"I've been waiting" for a refuse truck to come haul this one back to The Pit

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Anyone got the snark of this? Or better yet, someone wanna bring it back to life? I WANNA SEE VINCENT BARRET PRON FROM THIS GUYS!

No worries, lovedless. I still have the snark Delcat and I did. I just have to post it...


...tomorrow. After I sleeeeep.

I'm also eagerly awaiting the chance of Vincent/Barrett porn. I honestly think that's never been done before.

If I'm wrong, please don't tell me about it.

In the FF7 fandom, everything has been done. Twice. With chocobos.

Delcat and I have teamed up to bring you a joint snark,
since we’re the same kind of crazy I think. We bring you a Sephiroth/Cloud fic
called ”I’ve been waiting”, found at aff. Oh, this is gold, people. GOLD.

First, the author’s note.

Quote :

soryy this chapter is very sucky! but it gets much
better after chapter 3! i promisee soo readdd onnn anddd review

Del: : ...she says to the sweaty ball-fondling men of AFF.net
Ink: The author has a stutter. In her fingers.

Quote :

This stroy is now revised and edited by LANIE12777..
my absolutly AWSOME BETA!!! lol check out her stories they rock!! Espcially is you like Naruto!!

Del: Wow, I've never seen a beta disqualified from her work in her own acknowledgment before.

And now for the story.

Quote :

I sat at my computer staring at the screen. The
slowly changing screen saver reminded me of him, of us.

Ink: Cloud does this often.
Del: What, does he have a yaoi slide-show?

Quote :

A photo of us hugging, at a park, on my couch, with
my little brother Sora, and one of us kissing. What hurt the most was looking at him, his beauty. His stunningly long silky silver hair, and those piercing emotionless emerald green eyes, and those rosy lips. I sometimes think it was my fault he left, I wasn’t good enough, passionate enough for him.

Del: Cloud wasn't passionate enough for the emotionless guy? OUCH.
Ink: No, he wasn't passionate enough! He didn't want to have a threesome with Sephiroth and JENOVA's head
Del: JENOVA gives great head, though.

Quote :

I was barely 16 when we started dating, a kid, gravity-defining spiky blond hair and glossy blue eyes, short about 5`7”, he towered over me at 6`3

Del: Wait, isn't Sephiroth 6'2"? I remember him being an inch taller than Vincent and giggling at his one-up-manship. Yup, 6'1". She did the obsessive stat thing and got it WRONG.

Quote :

Thinking back I wish I would have talked to him that day, kissed him goodbye, maybe even let him take me, then he might have changed his mind. Ill never know… He left me a letter before he left, slipped it under my door. I still have it, I read it every night like a prayer. Cloud let his head drop onto the desk with a bang and sighed.

Cloud: *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Author: Read the lines!
Cloud: But I can feel my penis shrinking!

Quote :

Cloud opened the drawer to his old beat up desk. He reached in and grabbed Sephiroth’s letter; it was a small piece of paper, with his blue ink writing on it. He slowly brought the paper close to his face so he could smell, and inhaled slowly. “Still smells just like him,” he thought aloud to himself. Like Rain and Vanilla.

Cloud: "You smell like rain"
Sephiroth: "I smell like water?"
Cloud: "Well. Yes."

Quote :

That smell, it was intoxicating

Sephiroth: "Cloud, stop getting drunk off smelling me. Seriously, you're weirding me out."
Cloud: “You smell like a magic marker :D”

Quote :

Dear, Cloud
I wish I could have said goodbye to you!!

Ink: Dear god, Sephiroth looks like he needs Ritalin from the opening lines.

Quote :

I will miss you & know that I do love you with all my heart.. I will be back for you but my country needs me Cloud.

Ink: What country and wtf why did Sephiroth write all this in a letter. Did he leave a letter for Cloud and not say goodbye face to face? what a douche.
Del: Especially since he slammed the door in his face, which makes me think he did this on PURPOSE.

Quote :

When he left me, I screamed at him, and told him I wouldn’t wait for him; that if SOLDIER was more important than me, then when he came back he wouldn’t have me anymore. He just stood there and told me he had to do it, it was important to him. He didn’t even blink when he said it, his face didn’t show one bit of emotion, or remorse. It looked like he didn’t care whether he stayed or went. I didn’t want to hear so I shut the door in his face, and cried myself to sleep.

Del: So...he wrote this long, passionate letter, then refused to say anything about it while Cloud was upset. What a DOUCHE.

Quote :

Wait for me baby, save yourself for me. Me and Zack will try to come back soon. I love you Cloud, I won’t hold it against you if you have other lovers. Go ahead babe, but do save your virginity for the first love of your life.

Del: Sephiroth: Seriously, we all know you're the fandom bicycle. Let whoever you want fuck you, just let me tap that ass first. I hate sloppy
seconds.
Ink: Sephiroth does not do sloppy seconds. Mommy JENOVA doesn’t stand for her boy having second best!
Del: Mommy JENOVA doesn't stand, period. She slurms.

Quote :

*flashback*

Ink: SOUND EFFECTS GO HERE. DOODLEY DOODLEY DOOOO

Quote :

Cloud closed his eyes and sighed blissfully. He was
in the Nilbehiem park, it was dark and the moon was only half-full tonight, but it still seemed like such a romantic night. And it was always a plus that it was the middle of fall, and he hadn’t brought a sweater so he could cuddle up to his boyfriend all night if he wanted

Ink: He hadn’t brought a sweater so he could catch pneumonia
and die yay story over oh wait
Del: No, Sephiroth will warm him with LOOOOOVE. And by love I mean rape

Quote :

: It was about 2 in the morning and he was little tired, but he didn’t care, he was here with the love of his life, Sephirot.

Ink: I like to imagine this is Central Park and they’re about to be mugged and then raped with broken beer bottles.

Quote :

: In between his legs was Cloud. Cloud laid his head
back against Sephiroth’s shoulder and tilted his face so he could kiss the
silver-haired angel’s cheek lightly . Sephiroth looked down at him and raised an eyebrow at him.
“ I’m not complaining…but what was that for?” Sephiroth asked softly,

Del: Sephiroth: Are you blowing me or not? Cut that sentimental crap and get back down there.
Ink: Cloud: NO ONE APPRECIATES ME *slurp slurp*

Quote :

“ Because.. Iloveyou,” Cloud replied hurriedly, He was so glad it was dark because he was blushing madly; he always got that way
when he told Sephiroth he loved him, he was way too shy for his own
good.

Del: I guess Sephiroth has a thing for twelve-year-old girls, seeing as that's what Cloud is for the purposes of this fanfic. Hojo must be loving this.
Ink: Hojo is filming this. Eagerly.

Quote :

That caused Sephiroth to bring his distracted gaze down to him. Cloud looked into Sephiroth’s shining mako green eyes and frowned; he could see guilt and sadness in his eyes. He had never seen Sephiroth look
sad before, it was so new and heartbreaking.

Ink: In fact, her had never really seen Sephiroth have emotions besides WORLD DOMINATION, and “mm, cereal.” Sephy had a thing for Apple Jacks.

Quote :

“ Baby… let me make you mine tonight, I can make you
feel really good, just let me show you Cloud,” Sephiroth whispered passionately into Cloud’s ears.

Ink: With drugs! Here, have some heroin, Cloud.
Del: This is now an after school special. DON'T GIVE IT UP, CLOUD! YOU'RE NOT AN EASY GIRL! DON'T GO ROADSIDE!
Ink: They have sex. In central park. And all the hobos watch
avidly.

Quote :

: “ Seph…I… uh, I-I’m not ready… I’m so-sorry but I
just need more time,” Cloud mumbled, turning his head to stare at the swing so he wouldn’t have to look at Sephiroth’s disappointed face.

Ink: That's when he noticed all the hobos watching with
silent tears in their eyes, touched by this spectacle of TRUE LOVE.

Quote :

“ I just need more time,” Cloud murmured, averting
his gaze once again.

He sighed. And crawled into his dark blue covers. His room was nothing special; it had a white wooden desk against a wall that him and his friends had painted with every color in the rainbow, so it looked like big blobs of paint everywhere.

Ink: Sephiroth: "Cloud, I have the best idea for interior decoration. We'll get all our friends to put their hands in paint, and then put heir handprint on the wall! It'll be like a rainbow of all our best pals!"
Del: Cait Sith: WHEEHOO *ka-JACKSON POLLOCK*
Cloud: I like it :D
Vincent: You're all idiots.

Quote :

And an end table next to his bed that had a navy
blue lamp, his cell phone, and a photo of him and Sephiroth hugging. Zack, his loud spiky brown-haired best friend, had taken the photo.

Del: First Sephiroth is two inches taller than he really is, now Zack has brown hair. The author officially does not give a shit.

Quote :

Zack was head over heels for his other best friend
Aeris. Aeris has long brown hair and beautiful green eyes, she was gorgeous and so nice; they had helped each other when Zack and Sephiroth left. She had been there when he couldn’t take it, and started cutting himself.

Ink: Cloud: CRAWWWWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIN THIS ORANGE
WILL NOT PEEEEEEL
Ink: Aeris: Seriously, cut the shit, Cloud. I just peeled
all your oranges. WITH HOLY
Del: Vincent: Aren't I supposed to be the cutter? ...it's built in, after all. ...with my claws.

Quote :

Sora’s room was across the hall from his. His little
brother had spiky gravity-defining milk chocolate brown hair

Del: AUGH IT'S GONE CRITICAL BULLSHIT MASS

Quote :

He [Sora] was also dating Sephiroth’s younger brother Riku

Ink: That is just fucked up.
Del: You know, if Riku was raised by Hojo, that explains SO much about him. Seriously, that boy was doomed from the start. In the family videos, they both just set the Christmas tree on fire and cry.
Ink: Riku spells out WORLD DOMINATION with his cheerios as a
child
Del: And Lucrecia is crying in the background because Hojo is having an affair with that Vincent tramp. A non-con affair.

Quote :

He slowly drifted off to sleep, to his dreamland where he could be happy with Sephiroth.

Ink: SO HAPPY TOGETHERRRRRRRRRRRR
Del: BA BA BA BA BAAAAH

Quote :

“Seph…I love you,” he sleepily mumbled, before his eyes closed with a content sigh.

Del: Hojo: I love you too, honey.
Cloud: You're not--
Hojo: Shhhh, just hold still and call me "daddy".
Ink: Cloud: Why did my eyes just sigh with content?
Hojo: I said shh, goddammit, you're interrupting careful experimentation.

Quote :

Cloud slowly woke up to sound of thumping and
moaning. ”Ughh...nggh…RIIkk…ahh!”

Ink: OH SHIT! Jenova got out of her tank again!


Del: No, Cait Sith is coughing up a furball on the carpet!

Quote :

You could hear his brother’s loud moans and Riku’s
more quiet groaning. “Riku, Harder!!” screamed said little brother. Cloud
pounded on the door and screamed, “Sora, shut the fuck up! Do you know it’s 8
in the morning, can’t you do this at his place you horny teen?!”

Del: Cloud:
“Quit fucking on my lawn, you derned kids!”





(Side conversation Del
and I had:


Ink: “Once when I was younger and had no idea what horny
meant, I named a pokemon Horny. It was a Beedrill. Which doesn’t make much
sense.”
Del: “When I was younger, I
watched this movie that had a demon in it. In the move, he was described like
this, ‘He’s blue, he’s horny, and his jokes are corny!’ God only knows what mom
thought.”)

Quote :

“Got to fix that mailbox,” he mumbled. His brother’s
boyfriend Riku had run into it out of anger when Sora had kissed their
so-called “best friend” Kairi… She was a big whore and Cloud was pretty sure
Kairi pressured his poor little brother into kissing her. Sora was really dense
at times, he got pressured into doing things way too quickly; of course big brother
Cloud was always to the rescue.

Ink: Kairi: “SORA! Pay attention to me! I have breasts now!
I’m trying to show them to you!”


Sora: “KAIRI, I AM TRYING TO DO IMPORTANT THINGS! Like fight
Heartless!”





Del: Kairi:
“Naked?”





Ink: Sora: “It increases mobility! That’s what Riku told me!
Riku, what’s mobility?”





Del: Riku:
“Sora, shut up or I’ll gag you.”

Quote :

He searched through the mail, mumbling, “Junk, junk,
bill, more junk.” He froze, looking at the white envelope with the words Shinra
and S.O.L.D.I.E.R. “No… no... there... it just… No,”

Del: Cloud:
“It can’t be! IT SAYS I’M AN INSTANT WINNER!”

Quote :

He froze, looking at the white envelope with the
words Shinra and S.O.L.D.I.E.R. “No… no... there... it just… No,” Coud said
with a shocked expression on his sleepy face. “It can’t be Sephiroth, it just
can’t be him after two years, two whole years and I get a letter now!” he
fumed. ‘Maybe he is dead, humph, I don’t care, he could have committed suicide
for all I care.

Ink: Yeeeeaaah, Sephiroth is kind of a douche for not
sending him a letter in two whole years.

Quote :

He could hear Sora and Riku talking softly in his
brother’s room, but couldn’t make out what they were saying.

Del: Riku: “He
is such a drama queen.”
Sora: “I know, right?”

Quote :

He sat down on the edge of his bed and slowly ripped
open the envelope; inside, folded in three, hamburger-style, was a piece of
paper with his name on it. He unfolded it carefully, like if he did it too fast
it would blow up in his face a like time bomb.

Ink: Mario: “It’s-a like-a time bomb-a!”


Cloud: “Mario, get out of this fanfic! You’re not
androgynous enough!”

Quote :

Dear, Cloud

It’s been a while, 2 years and 5 months.

I

Ink: Still can’t properly punctuate a letter?

Quote :

I paid my dues to

my country, I was offered to become General

with Zack as my second in command, but we decided

that it was not in our best interest.

Del:
Especially with the baby on the way.

Quote :

I have missed quite a bit

and would love to see if you have grown any.

Ink: Cloud: “A whole inch, daddy Sephiroth!”


Del: “In the
PANTS!”

Quote :

Also if I could stay at your house that
night,

Ink: What a douche.

Quote :

Cloud stared at the paper for a while. That was
Sephiroth all right, cold and straight to the point. Though he thought that his
love had gotten over all that coldness and indifference, but he could read the
hidden message, or so he hoped.

Del: If you
read it backward, it says JENOVA IS LORD.

Quote :

Sora smiled softly at Riku, “Do you think he has a
date, Ri?” Riku shrugged his shoulders and continued to eat. Sora, not liking
that his boyfriend ignored him, whined childishly “Rikuuuu… What if my brother
was abducted by aliens and replaced by a happy brain-sucking MONSTER!!”

Del: Then this
would actually be a somewhat entertaining, original fic?


Ink: Sora: “RIKUUUUU PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE”

Quote :

“Hey, where did Mr. confidence go?” Riku asked,
grinning up at his cute lover. “ Rikkkuuuu don’t do that… Ughh you know I’m
SHYY!!” Sora whined, burying his face in his boyfriend’s chest.

Ink: Sora: “And I like totally just broke a naaaaail!”

Quote :

“ Baby, we’ve gone all the way so many times, you
don’t have to be shy with me, I’d love you even if you were buried 10 feet in
my dad’s ass and covered in yucky strawberries,” Riku said lovingly. That had
to show how much he loved him!

Ink: Sora: “Oh, funny you should mention that! Only it was…
raspberr – you were joking, weren’t you.”





Del: Has Hojo
been doing freaky experiments with his intestinal tract?





…again?

Quote :

he brought his lips to Sora’s ear and nibbled on it,
flicking his tongue over it. “ Unghh, oh god Kai--Riku,” Sora said, quickly
correcting himself.

Ink: AHAHAHA THAT IS SO FUNNY wait it wasn’t supposed to be
funny


Del: I am
enjoying this scene way too much.

Quote :

“She was right, all you care about is touching me!
Tell me Riku, what are you going to do when I get loose… Be-because with how
much we do it I’m pretty sure my hole will be the size of Midgar!” Sora cried.
He sat up and hugged his legs, crying softly.

Del:
Seriously, first Hojo has a ten-foot-deep asshole, and now Sora’s anus is the
size of Midgar? I don’t even want to know what kind of kink this is.


Ink: Doomcocks, meet DOOM ASSES.

Quote :

TWO I would love you even if you weren’t tight or if
you sucked at fucking or whatever you’re trying to say…I would love to be in
your hole even, if it was the size of Midgar I would jump on it any
day.

Ink: Riku likes to jump on Sora’s anus like a trampoline.


Del: AUGH THE
IMAGES

Quote :

Cloud crashed onto his bed, and started to dial
Aeris’ number. “ring ring”

Del: Cloud:
“Ring ring”


Phone: *rings*


Cloud: “Hello?”
Aeris: “Cloud, honey, the Planet told me you forgot how to use a phone again.”
Cloud: “Ring ring!”


Aeris: “Cloud, the Planet wants you to know you’re a
dumbfuck.”

Quote :

He wondered why Zack hadn’t talked to her, he was
head over heels in love with her after all, or at least he was; he reminded
himself that things and people change when their away, especially at
SOLDIER.

Del: Which
means people get killed, limbs get blown off, and Hermione Granger gets curves
in all the right places over the summer.





Ink: It means Zack is gay. Because everyone knows when you
join the army, you turn gay. Right, kiddies?

Quote :

Only to have the phone ring a minute later. He
picked it up and looked at the collar I.D., it read unknown.

Ink: Cloud! Throw the fucking pokeball! It’s an Unknown! You
need that for the pokedex!





Del: *checks
collar I.D.* I’m made in Taiwan!

Quote :

“Well you going to keep me waiting, Clo?” Sephiroth
asked coolly.

Ink: I dunno, ROTH. I dunno, PHI. SEE HOW STUPID IT IS?


Del:
Especially since Cloud is already A ONE-SYLLABLE NAME. D<

Quote :

“I uh, uh, hold on,” he stuttered. He ran down the
stairs as fast as his feet could take him, the phone still glued to his
ear.

Ink: Aeris: “Cloud, did you superglue the phone to your ear
again? …hold still. I’m gonna have to remove it with Holy.”


Del: holy
works on all household chores and needs y/y

Quote :

He ran a hand through his wild blond head to fix it
a little, straightened out his clothing the best he could and reached for the
door knob slowly like in the movies. He slowly opened the door little by
little, and oh lord, there was……

Del: A perfect
soufflé!


Ink: A unicorn!


Del: A pickle!


Ink: A pair of woolly socks! Dumbledore!


Del: Vincent
and Cid, fucking on the lawn, like they did every Tuesday!


Ink: Yuffie, desperately vying for Vincent’s attention!


Del: Reno
attempting to sell himself for cash, like he does every… every day, actually.
It’s really very sad.


Ink: And Rude trying to catch him and put some clothes on
him!


Del: you know,
with the mascara and the tears and all, “THE GUBMINT TOOK MA ASS BABY”


Ink: … yeah

Quote :

I suggest you skim it! THIS IS A SEPHxCLOUD storie
but there will be quite a few chapters that will have Aeris and ZAck.. And some
Chapters with Vincent and whoever?

Vincent and Cid

Vincent and kadja

Vincent and Yuffie

or any one you want VOTE!!

We voted, Housemates. We voted for Barret/Vincent. HELP US
GET HER TO WRITE BARRET/VINCENT. It will be epic!

Bless you Inkweaver, Bless you Delcat <3

Sooo... some guys I know definitely did a dramatic reading of this with the commentary. Who wants to hear it? =D

InkWeaver wrote:

Sooo... some guys I know definitely did a dramatic reading of this with the commentary. Who wants to hear it? =D

I think we would all retch in the trauma. So please, SHARE THE LOVE.

*wipes a tear away*

That snark was wonderful.

Here it is, my friends. The readers are two users from the Voice Acting Alliance - Motly Fool and Koichi Saito. For reference, Motly Fool is the one who says "Is it recording?" at the beginning.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Have fun with that, kiddies. You might hear my laughs in the background.

**snorts at epicness**

I think I now have some new soundbits for my phone... YAY RINGTONE MATERIAL!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

OH GOD

:worship: