The Bad Porn Roundup! (NWS)

We’ve taken on our fair share of bad comics, but the truth is that there are just as many standalone works which are just as incomprehensible, and why ignore them? In this first installment of what we hope will be a long-running series, we take on Engrish, erotic gigantism, Lion King porn, and more!

Delcat: Where shall we begin?
Zeiss Manifold: I'll allow you to go first.
Delcat: Okay. I chose one picture from each of my OMGWTFBBQ folders. This one is from "WTF Japan".
Zeiss Manifold: Ah yes, the tragedy of Whale Shark-Nipple Syndrome.
Delcat: She seems happy about it, at least. Actually, she seems thrilled. She must be on some good drugs for the crippling back pain.
Delcat: You know the level from We <3 Katamari when you roll around a sumo wrestler to pick up food so he gets fat? I think this is the dark bonus level to that stage.
Zeiss Manifold: It looks like a giant fly's head, the more I look at it. We just need a girl with giant labia to come along to form the wings, and we'll have the whole insect.
Delcat: We'd also need a guy with a giant penis for the proboscis, thus making the Freudian imagery complete.
Delcat: I can't help but feel that if we could read the little Japanese sign, this would somehow make sense.

Zeiss Manifold: Now Del, I know you have arranged your selections in order of WTF-ness, but I have arranged mine in order of piousness. Observe my first selection:
Zeiss Manifold: This is a page from the infamous "Can't show that in a" Christian manga Serenity, which tackles the growing problem of dildo addiction among today's godless.
Zeiss Manifold: Some have even resorted to using rectangular dildos to fill the need.
Delcat: I'm sorry, I'm going to need a minute to pry my legs apart after that mental image.
Delcat: One can only hope that the corners are rounded.
Zeiss Manifold: Of course, she later learns to use other rectangular objects - such as the good book - to fulfill her needs.
Delcat: Wait, is she trying to use a dildo while in a full leg cast? I'm pretty sure that's against doctor's orders.
Delcat: That's terrible, Zeiss! Just think of the paper cuts!
Zeiss Manifold: ...That segue kind of came out wrong, now that I look at it.
Delcat: Whose bed is she in to not know whether or not there are sex toys scuttling around under it?
Delcat: Did she just buy a box of assorted sex toys and toss them under the bed and forget about them?
Zeiss Manifold: I think she made a Satanic deal to trade her lips in for an ever-present dildo companion.
Delcat: She's gonna go to make a salad later and find the crisper stuffed with egg vibes instead of lettuce.

Delcat: This one is from "Fridge Logic". See if you can guess why.
Zeiss Manifold: "Hey, what's the Ouija board saying? P-L-N-U...Augh!"
Delcat: I was more thinking, "Wait, Ouija boards do that?", but that's close enough.
Zeiss Manifold: That has a fuckload of letters for an Ouija board...I'm sorry, what's that? Oh yeah, tentacle raep.
Delcat: I know they teach you in art school that everything's composed of basic geometrical shapes, but this is taking it way too far. Cyclops is a sack of doughy basketballs.
Zeiss Manifold: Lookin' kinda Ken there, Cyclops. His nipple's also been dislocated.
Delcat: I'm confused as to why Kurt is randomly uncircumcized. Did he BAMF every time they tried it or something?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, it doesn't look like he BAMFed during the boob job, so who knows?
Delcat: Cyclops: backwards hand lol
Delcat: Wait, why isn't Kurt BAMFing right now? More fridge logic, hooray!
Delcat: He must be Secretly Liking It.
Zeiss Manifold: I think Spyke is too. Cyclops, however, is Secretly Durfing It.
Delcat: Well, that's pretty much standard for him, really.

Zeiss Manifold: My next selection is something I found on Zany Video Game Quotes literally ages ago.
Zeiss Manifold: Fear the erotic power of the rotating drill bit.
Delcat: How exactly does a demon move while being exorcised from a nun? Kicking and screaming?
Delcat: Touch censor blotch, get dizzy!
Zeiss Manifold: I think the censoring is ZVGQ's policy. The spine-breaking and disappearing arm are not.
Delcat: I like how they censored with fuzzies AND a mosaic. It'd be positively lewd otherwise.
Delcat: Her juices are flowing like the pipes of a chemical plant? Wow, gives a whole new meaning to "Love Canal".
Zeiss Manifold: Nothing turns the otaku set on quite like utilities. Monopoly matches in Akihabara frequently end in pudge-fights.
Delcat: The more I look at her mouth, the more buck-toothed she looks. AHURR, AHURRDURRHURR
Zeiss Manifold: I still don't know exactly the "motor" is. It might be a magic wand vibrator, but I've never seen a Hitachi as big as my thigh.
Zeiss Manifold: And what is she sitting on? A stump?
Delcat: Looks like a jackhammer to me. MIND OUR MESS, NOW UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Delcat: I think she's sitting in an inner tube in anticipation of her vaginal gushing flooding out the room.

Delcat: That's a nice story, but this one from my Engrish folder is even better!
Zeiss Manifold: Rope like an eagle, into the scene, rope like an eagle, let my misshapen arm-sacs carry me
Delcat: I've seen a lot of love rope pictures over the years, but I've never seen one that attempted to turn the sub into a balloon poodle.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm getting a Ponda Baba vibe from their midsections, and I've never got that from a midsection before.
Delcat: I got a love rope girl hat once, mind, but one of the segments had a slow leak and I went around the fair all day with a set of deflating tits on my head, feeling like an idiot and wishing I had my three tickets back so I could ride the Hall of Labias.
Zeiss Manifold: Who knew vertebrae looked so much like those little plastic capsules you get with paint-by-numbers sets?
Delcat: I'm counting five skulls and maybe a third of the rest of a skeleton here. They must like keeping the skulls around to use as hand puppets between orgies.
Delcat: I don't think I'd be as happy as those two if I had feet bigger than my head. That must be hard to shop for.
Zeiss Manifold: But what can a Dweller do 'cept to slave in the worm cave land? 'Cause we're abserving all the cloths, there's just no place for a meat-tyin' man.
Zeiss Manifold: I see someone went to the "Stack those scalps!" school of beehive 'do-making.

Zeiss Manifold: Next up is another selection from the same bad hentai game that spawned the last one:
Delcat: Which membrane, exactly? Because if your brain is as heavily mosaic'd as your twat, I can see why.
Delcat: Wow, that sure does look like a man. Actually, with that mosaic, I'm not sure it's NOT a man. Zeiss, is this a trap of some sort?
Zeiss Manifold: If certain sources are to be believed.
Zeiss Manifold: Isn't the hymen the vaginal membrane? What's it doing, fluttering in anticipation?
Delcat: Well, I'm slightly more on board with that, then. Or I would be if his spine still wasn't broken.
Zeiss Manifold: And while I hate to steal ZVGQ's quip for this, it has to be said.
Zeiss Manifold: INSANE IN THE BRAIN
Delcat: Wait, no, I've got it now! It's two different people! There's a lady being eaten out leaning to the right, and the guy is lying leaning to the left in the background!
Delcat: It's a magic trick! Huzzah!
Zeiss Manifold: It doesn't look like a lady so much as it does a giant, flesh-colored set of tongs.
Delcat: Man, that's the LAST thing I'd want to see in my salad. Probably get you a free dessert at Ponderosa, though.

Delcat: This one's just from "XXX", and was my punishment for attempting to trawl Rule 34 for Kingdom Hearts porn.
Delcat: FUCK YOU, PAHEAL, ALL I WANTED WAS SOME NICE LUXORD OR DEMYX AND YOU GAVE ME THIS
Zeiss Manifold: I shall put forth my reaction to this as eloquently as I can:
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Delcat: I'm curious as to exactly how they measured the semen, really. I mean...they're lions.
Zeiss Manifold: Clearly they evolved advanced semen-reasoning capabilities just for this.
Zeiss Manifold: Aww, the dildo's got puffy clouds painted on it!
Delcat: Scar doesn't look like he's diddling Sora with that thing so much as checking the pop-up thermometer in a turkey.
Delcat: "Whoops, looks like this pic's a tad overdone!"
Zeiss Manifold: The Deviantart Lion faces extinction due to excessive dodging and burning.
Delcat: Thankfully, we always have the techonology to half-assedly trace more.
Delcat: The only compently drawn thing in this picture is Sora's dead mind-rape eyes. I don't want to put too much thought into that.

Zeiss Manifold: Up next is a statement from the Pokemon fandom that they don't need Ono's help to ruin stuff:
Delcat: Ahhh, Dickorita. Will you ever grow old?
Zeiss Manifold: It's the tissue that gets me, it just looks so clinical.
Delcat: I want to know what, exactly, the little napkin he was covering it is meant to be. Is he wearing a fundoshi specifically for the purpose of dick-flashing?
Zeiss Manifold: Like Ash showed this to Nurse Joy and the only thing she could do in her bewilderment was to order a urine test.
Delcat: The really disturbing part is what it's obviously attached to.
Delcat: FIGHTING TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS WITH HIS ANTHROPOKEMORPHIC PENIS, THE BLUE BADGER LEAPS INTO ACTION
Zeiss Manifold: Blue Badger was swiftly detained after telling one Nurse Joy too many to inspect the Pokemon in his pants.
Zeiss Manifold: DING DING DING-DING-DING
Zeiss Manifold: YOUR PENIS IS FIGHTING FIT
Delcat: "It has a naughty shape, when I look at it."
Zeiss Manifold: I don't know how to explain the Pokeballs, though. Maybe they're just painted on?
Delcat: No, they're just PASTDED ON YEY

Delcat: Okay, my last one is from "Absolutely Off the Deep End", the folder reserved for the stuff I honestly cannot make sense of:
Zeiss Manifold: Your sperm's in the gutter, your dong's in the sink.
Delcat: I just don't even know where to start interpreting this one. Where did she get a pair of apparently sentient blue dicks? Why does she have a Southern dialect in one text bubble and not in the next? Are they attached to her, and if so, wouldn't circumcizing them with forks be painful? Why is the sink senior, and where is Sink Junior?
Zeiss Manifold: Ah yes, the plumbing fetish. How many "Drano Dani" stories must the Erotic Plumbing Pavillion forum endure before it runs its course?
Delcat: I like to retitle this one "Thanksgiving Day Troubles" in my mind. It's such a pain in the ass trying to deal with personal issues when the whole family is over.
Zeiss Manifold: Why do the cocks look like Bellsprouts? Have we even left the Dickorita pic?
Zeiss Manifold: The "BACK TO OUR STORY IN PROGRESS" bit makes it.
Delcat: Man, if we get into Oddishes, I am SO out of here. Ono has done enough to my favorite grass-types as is.
Delcat: As far as I know, this is a one-shot. I'm afraid to look for more.
Zeiss Manifold: The bottom panel reads oddly Gaiman-esque.
Delcat: Yeah, if Gaiman was...was...
Delcat: ...actually Gaiman does pull this shit once in a while, but he has enough cred to make it work
Zeiss Manifold: Alternate-Universe Gaiman, though, is stuck writing webcomics about electric blue colon-cocks and the ghostly girls who love them, praying frantically that one day, SexyLosers will feature him on the blogroll.
Delcat: I would say this is worse than the standard Casper the Friendly Ghost comics, but Harvey really is kind of bottom-of-the-barrel, comic-wise.
Delcat: I appreciate this new direction they're taking with him.

Zeiss Manifold: Alright, for my final selection I've chosen something just as inexplicable; my favorite hentai manga cover of all time. Feast your eyes on:
Delcat: ....just...wow.
Zeiss Manifold: Bin Laden! Bush! Saddam! Hitler! Stalin! Jesus! Buddha! King Tut! The Killer Rabbit! Discworld! It's the veritable Sgt. Pepper's of inexplicable hentai porn stars. This is the Tijuana Bible reborn, folks.
Delcat: It probably says something about me that the first reference I went was Superbook, actually.
Delcat: Twin Towers? Moon octopi? No, I go STRAIGHT for the most obscure Japanese Bible-based kids' show in the world. My hobbies have done strange things to my perception.
Zeiss Manifold: Finding a working link to a translated version of this is like, my mission in life. How could this not be the greatest thing ever?
Zeiss Manifold: It's like the end to the worst Satoshi Kon movie ever made.
Delcat: What the hell kind of hentai would even be in this? Hardcore political smut? ...plus a giant pink hamster?
Delcat: Or fetus or something?
Zeiss Manifold: It's Tubby, the asexual pink blob who's purpose is to lead your eyes over to the Pope.
Delcat: All I can think is that the artist still harbors a deep dissatisfaction for not being able to cram in Mohammed.
Zeiss Manifold: That might be him right above Stalin, actually. Don't tell.
Delcat: oh tsk tsk
Zeiss Manifold: The Discworld nod at the bottom still blows my mind. Fuckin' Discworld, man! I had no idea those books were even translated.
Delcat: They're translated into like a bazillion different languages, but I didn't know Japanese was one of them. I'm just mystified as to why the elephant has an eyepatch.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm sure it's explained in the book.
Delcat: You really think so? Because I get the feeling that the entire cover is just one big mmmmmBIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT.
Delcat: The inside is probably a bunch of stock quotes or something.
Delcat: Like, it's one of those official-looking fake book covers they sell here to make reading comics in public less stressful, except it's backwards in Japan.
Zeiss Manifold: I've seen a few pages of it scattered here and there, and they make just as much sense as this. You can't just have one whole thing be a BLAM.
Delcat: Well, I think that wraps it up. Anything to say to the viewers, Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold: We've barely even touched the surface here, folks.
Zeiss Manifold: The only reason my selections seem tame in comparison is that I know better than to bring the picture of the dickgirl shoving a morningstar up her urethra first thing out.
Delcat: Tune in next time, kids! If not, ya'lls gunna be circumsized wit' forks!

Del, Zeiss, you know I love you guys to death, but WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN BLUE HELLS DO YOU FIND THIS STUFF!? And why aren't your computers infected with inexplicable Japanese viruses (probably sexually transmitted) from visiting these kinds of sites? I mean, Jesus, I can't go to a gay porn page without my stupid Windows Defender warning me it may contain adult images. I KNOW it contains adult images, you idiot; that's why I want to look at it!

Rabid Badger wrote:

Del, Zeiss, you know I love you guys to death, but WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN BLUE HELLS DO YOU FIND THIS STUFF!? And why aren't your computers infected with inexplicable Japanese viruses (probably sexually transmitted) from visiting these kinds of sites?

I can't speak for Zeiss, but I mainly get my stuff off of Gurochan, /d/, Encyclopedia Dramatica, and occasionally Rule 34 or Y!Gallery. Truth is, when it comes to terrible porn, you don't have to go much further than your Internet backyard. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


Delcat: Okay. I started last time, so it's your go.
Zeiss: I'd like to introduce tonight's Roundup with an old favorite, The Flying Dong.
Zeiss: "Why must you leave me?" "I AM SORRY ROSITA, I MUST MOVE ON."
Delcat: The only thing that could make this picture better is a rocket-thruster effect and a "WHOOPEE!!" sfx bubble.
Delcat: Two exclamation points, mind, or it ruins it.
Zeiss: Or if the dong sported a jaunty mustache.
Delcat: Ugh, the anatomy is just terrible. The vagina looks like squid lips and her hips are totally out of line with the rest of her body. What hack drew this?
Zeiss: I know. She doesn't even have a penis.
Zeiss: Well, that was a pleasant warm-up. Del, your first?

Delcat: I think this picture was the sole reason Poser porn was finally banned on Gurochan, and that's saying something.
Zeiss: Has anything good ever come out of Poser? It's like the Dave Matthews Band of the rendering world.
Zeiss: Or Creed, rather.
Delcat: You'd think that such a sophisticated software engine would have its own blood effects and intestine models. I guess he went for the MS Paint commemorative version.
Delcat: Is she lactating, or is her nipple just wobbling outward?
Zeiss: I think we've found the only person in the world with a girls-who-leak-melted-bubblegum-lollipops fetish.
Delcat: I like that the raptor chomped her in half, then went on to eat the dried, canned bait instead of her steaming entrails. That's polite of him.
Zeiss: I like how its lower half is like a giant, scale-covered wishbone.
Delcat: Think you can beat that, Zeiss?

Zeiss: Oh, I think I can.
Delcat: You lie! That doesn't have any raptors in it at all!
Zeiss: It does have a foreskin mat, though.
Delcat: The cum showeeeeeers that fall todaaaaaay
Bring the dickfloweeeeeers that bloom in Maaaaaaay
Delcat: I like that she looks mildly annoyed at worst at this. She may be experiencing excruciating pain and have been impregnated against her will, but all that's bothering her is that she's missing her four o'clock.
Zeiss: If you squint your eyes, she's a very bushy squid from the belly down.
Delcat: Sorry, buddy, I can't squint hard enough for that and I have cataracts.
Zeiss: Testicular torsion: Not just for boys!
Delcat: I see we can check off another type of fruit-breast--go papaya!
Zeiss: No, really, the squid's eyes are bulging and it's got a nose and everything! It's like a Dali painting.
Delcat: So the text bubbles read "I AM A SECRET SQUID, THIS IS SO LEWD"?
Zeiss: I AM SQUID, HEAR ME CUM
Zeiss: MY FORESKIN'S TAUT LIKE THE SKIN OF A DRUM
Delcat: Reaching there, buddy.
Zeiss: Well I had to rhyme it with something. LET'S SEE YOU RHYME BETTER.
Delcat: I AM SQUID, HEAR ME CUM
THERE ARE WIRES IN MY BUM
AND MY BALLS ARE BIGGER THAN MY HEAD
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Delcat: okay fine it's not that easy. Let's move on and pretend we both said something fantastically clever.
Zeiss: *golf clap*
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Delcat: Well, it's better than the teacup, at least.

Delcat: I'm not sure what bothers me more here--the arbitrary number of dicks or trying to figure out why Lieutenant Havoc has ballooned to 500 pounds.
Zeiss: I'm just boggled at the cum stalactites.
Delcat: It must have taken real effort to trap him with those, even with the random dicks. He must not have been trying very hard to run.
Delcat: "Look, swallow or spit it out, don't just drool it all over yourself like a Santa beard."
Zeiss: I don't know what stretched out all of his penii to different lengths, but it must have done the same to his arms too.
Zeiss: I like the fact that one of his cocks isn't that big. Obviously a small modesty on the part of the artist.
Delcat: Don't be silly, it's obviously an engorged clit.
Delcat: There has to be SOMEWHERE he's getting all that jizz from.
Delcat: Clearly, he works on the succubus/incubus CICO plan--cum in, cum out.
Zeiss: Well, they are in the Cum Caverns, so he might have just scooped it up.
Delcat: Man, dose thighs. I think there's a family of four in each one.
Zeiss: Gluttony's body just makes no sense at all - I think the cocks are the most anatomically correct part of it. It's that bad.
Delcat: And you'd think we'd be used to that by now, but it actually gets a little worse every time, folks.
Zeiss: It's like the artist was like, "Damn, his upper and lower halves don't meet anywhere! ...You know what could distract people from this? COCKS"
Delcat: Well, it beats the alternative of someone sitting down and purposefully doing this.

Zeiss: Speaking of distractions...
Zeiss: Well, looks like the CICO plan is spreading.
Delcat: It says something that what really bothers me is trying to work out what the can opener is for.
Zeiss: Well, what are they opening?
Delcat: ...not a can?
Zeiss: And what's not a can, Delly?
Delcat: I do not know, Zeiss, what is not a can?
Zeiss: Well, think for a minute. What do cans, cocks and fairies have in common?
Delcat: A five-cent deposit in California?
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Zeiss: But yeah this doesn't make any damn sense to me either. MOVING ON:
Delcat: Maybe it's really, really obscure Rule 34 for this omake.
Delcat: Why does the faerie have a toothbrush? Is it a tooth faerie? Did she jizz her so hard she lost a tooth?
Delcat: Oh wait, that's a sound, isn't it.
Delcat: ...the urethral sound faerie is SO not as popular as the tooth faerie.
Zeiss: Scrub scrub scrub.
Delcat: It looks like there's a tiny set of telephone poles spanning her ass.
Zeiss: Also, FORESHORTENING. I'm starting to think that everything else is to distract from that schoolgirl's leg.

Delcat: Speaking of bad things happening to women, including terrible foreshortening...
Zeiss: I can't tell whether this is actually Silent Hill canon or not.
Delcat: About as close to it as Shattered Memories gets, so there you are.
Zeiss: B-but...they're clearly not on a boat!
Delcat: I didn't know there was a "Squeeze baby, draw with what comes out" filter in Photoshop.
Delcat: I think they flat-out forgot the upper half of the monster raping Heather in the midst of the scrawly infant-shit.
Zeiss: Breasts work like sprinklers, folks! Especially when they're half-attached!
Delcat: I love the quality brush work on Claudia in the background. HAY GAIS WHASHOO DOON?
Zeiss: I love how the whole scene is being watched over by an anthropomorphic dog.
Delcat: Heather's arm is apparently cut off at the elbow and STILL manages to be twice as long as her body.
Delcat: Seriously, this picture makes less sense the more I look at it, and I've had it for years. Heather has like three clitorises and a hat on her twat, and also it goes halfway up to her tits.

Zeiss: Speaking of bad proportions:
Zeiss: I guess with all the obvious animals taken, it was only a matter of time before someone developed a thing for the ground sloth.
Delcat: Oh hell, this happened to me once. The worst part wasn't the microcephaly, it was the fact that I was allergic to myself. Well, that and the fact that I couldn't dial 911 with my massive ham-hands.
Zeiss: Microcephaly! This time, it's canon!
Delcat: At least she's covering her nipples, which she should have like eight of. I'd hate to think that this was at all indecent.
Zeiss: I do wonder what would make someone think this was erotic. Just imagine two of those things going at it, heads frantically struggling to meet...
Delcat: I was about to say something about how the Y chromosome is more likely to carry diseases than grant immunities, but you know what? Giant tiny-headed boobkitty. Fuck that noise.
Zeiss: SCIENCE!
Delcat: Tonight's lot sure does have a lot of pictures of people barely caring that terrible/amazing things are happening to them. Is this our Valium edition?
Zeiss: I guess?


Delcat: Time for a combobreaker, then!
Delcat: You know, it's not just that I have a Lemming OC and thus this is even more childhood-raping than for other people. It's the WHY THE DOUGHNUT. WHY.
Zeiss: Oh yay, balloon animal pr0nz.
Zeiss: I thought that was an inner tube.
Delcat: Does that make it make any more sense?
Zeiss: How does the suction device work? Did they already implant the necessary machinery inside the doughnut? Doesn't that defeat the point?
Delcat: Do Lemmings have tire pumps for plumbing? I just...dude, I can't even begin to get it, and I can bullshit explanations for a lot of bullshit.
Zeiss: CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUCTION LIES, SAID THE LEMMING BOY TO HIS TRUE LOVE'S EYES
Zeiss: IT'S IN THE TUBE, SAID THE MAN WITHOUT LUBE
Delcat: I refuse to believe that this was done on purpose. Someone did not sit down, pencil in hand, and say "FUCK YEAH I AM GOING TO DRAW LEMMING BUTTSEX WITH RED STOCKINGS AND AN INFLATABLE DOUGHNUT." Acid had to be involved in this.
Zeiss: I think someone lost a bet.
Delcat: And yet we're the ones paying out.
Zeiss: I just realized I hadn't finished the verse. FOR HIS POOL SUPRISE, HE TRADED IN HIS PRIZE
Zeiss: There.

Zeiss: Okay, my last one is a doozy:
Zeiss: First panel: FIST ME
Zeiss: Second panel:

Spoiler:

Delcat: I understand now. I know exactly what I want to do. I want to punch Unskilled in the cervix. I get it now.
Zeiss: I just don't understand how fisting would be such a dastardly concept for her to grab. I mean, she's already nude with a centaur girl, what did she think she meant?
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Delcat: I don't know what you're whining about, Zeiss, I totally saw Mike Rowe do this on Dirty Jobs.
Zeiss: Anyway, I just thought "PUNCH ME IN THE CERVIX" was the perfect line to go out on.
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Delcat: Of course, I was on a lot of pain medication at the time, so I might've gotten a few details mixed up, but I think the upshot was that centaur-fisting was a good and natural thing.
Zeiss: Hey, you know about biology and stuff. What is that distended pair of breasts near her nether regions supposed to be?
Zeiss: I wasn't aware horses had udders.
Delcat: I was about to touch on that. Look, artist, you can have horse-anatomically-correct boobs or you can have human-anatomically correct boobs, but you cannot MAKE BOOBS UP. That's illegal.
Delcat: P.S.: Your asshole looks like the tie on a balloon
Zeiss: They're awfully subtle for made-up boobs. Why not just have boobs everywhere? Boobs on top of boobs?
Zeiss: Boobs dissolve, and boobs remove.
Delcat: Shhhh, you'll spoil one of my future selections!
Zeiss: There are boobs at the bottom of the ocean!

Delcat: Well, I crossed my legs fair and square, Zeiss. Now it's your turn.
Zeiss: I'm too confused by what is going on to cross my legs, thanks.
Delcat: This is the upshot of a valuable learning experience in which I discovered not to respond to my friend's "Dude, that guy is crazy, he drew a picture of a monster sliding leeches through a funnel into someone's urethra" with "Dude, you so have to show me that".
Zeiss: A funnel wouldn't even work, though. It'd be too narrow for the leeches and too wide for a urethra.
Delcat: Well, it appears to be a faerie boy or something. Maybe he has a ~MAGIC ELF URETHRA~.
Zeiss: ...Sometimes I think we should just write these things we say during these on scraps of paper and scatter them around town.
Delcat: I like not being arrested, thanks. I get nervous enough being attached to this shit online.
Delcat: But yeah, those must be armor-plated annelids to bulge through the peen wall instead of popping like grapes.
Delcat: Also, you'd think that a picture as lovingly rendered as this wouldn't have random chunks entirely cut out of it. Guess someone's Sharpie broke, possibly from being rammed into the artist's cock.
Zeiss: Elf of Steel, Urethra of Kleenex.
Delcat: Well, that's it for this edition, I think. Anything to say, Zeiss?
Zeiss: Well, if you thought today's selections were odd...
Zeiss:

Spoiler:

Umm, the pic with the girl and the two giant blue dicks and the sink? Do you... uh... know where that came from? Because I... sort of... do...

Excerpt from a PM I just sent Delcat:

I wrote:

As far as that dick-sink thing goes, that is a comic on Slipshine. I assume you know what that is, lol. Of all the comics Slipshine has, that particular one (I think it is called "Cheezy World by Cheezy WEAPON") has the largest free section (minus the elf-troll vore thing that used to be all free). Since I am not planning to cut Slipshine a check unless they get some more female-oriented porn, I have no idea what the pay-only part is like. However, if I recall correctly the first few chapters go kind of like this:

Big-tittied Naga: *whine* I am sooooo hungry. So hungry I could do something really stupid. *bites nipple* OW! That was stupid. My gawd I am a worthless fat fuck. *cries*
Skinny eye-on-stomach monster girl: Honey, I'm hoooome~! I got you lots of foods~!
Naga: OH GAWD I AM FAT AS SHIT.
Monster: There there. I still love you. Now I have to go and masturbate some. *goes to the bathroom and impales self on 2 foot strap-on*
Naga: OH GAWD MY PENIS IS SHOWING! I BETTER JERK OFF AND MAKE IT GO AWAY BEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND SEES IT. *starts to masturbate* Wait a minute, since when did I have two of these? And since when are they so big? And since when were they blue?

INTERMISSION!!

Eyeless woman: *telling story to some zombies*
Zombies: *Do not care*
Angel with huge penis: *exists*
Eyeless woman and angel: *have sex*

BACK TO STORY!!

Monster: LA LA LA! I BETTER GET DINNER READY.
Naga: OH SHIT- *comes in sink*
Sink: *overflows*
Naga: *piles in dirty dishes*
Monster: I love cooking in the nuuuuude~!
Blue peni: *under table SCHWING*
Monster: Tee-hee, your tail is touching me.
Naga: OH GAWD YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME AT AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! *runs off crying*
Monster: Oh noes! I have upset my girlfriend, woe is me~ *cries*
Naga: *cries some moar*
Monster: I love you sooo much!
Naga: I have 2 gigantic blue penises.

CLIFFHANGER!!!

Just in case anyone wanted to know...

I wish I had a pertinent screencap like Zeiss manages to do, but *APPLAUSE*

Oh Reep, never change.

ETA: Finally got around to looking up the insane dickgirl sink artist. Of course he's also the artist of one of my most-beloved pieces of Yume Nikki fanart. Of course.

Fuck, Internet, stop being so gorram small. This is almost as bad as the time that I found out the artist of some of my favorite Earthbound fanart was also the artist of the extreme-guro eye-socket-fucking picture I made a parody icon of AND the artist of some of my favorite kink porn. I just...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BALANCE MY FEELINGS ANYMORE, INTERNET, I JUST DON'T. STOP BEING SO FUCKING BIPOLAR.

Delcat: Hey, Zeiss, want to see a fetish picture of a hot succubus?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, that sounds just fine, I-
Delcat: HERE YOU GO
Zeiss Manifold:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Delcat: Surprise, it's another Porn Round-Up! Doesn't this lovely lady inspire you to greatness?
Zeiss Manifold: WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT FETISH
Zeiss Manifold: It would have been a good picture if the guy didn't rub popcorn butter all over it.
Delcat: Now, to be fair, succubi are shapeshifters, so they presumably have a great deal of control over bodily functions. Maybe succubus farts smell like warm sugar cookies.
Delcat: Middle of the night, both of you are sleeping, she heeds nature's mini-call, are you suddenly suffocating? No, you roll over and think of Christmas!
Zeiss Manifold: I'm sure you've thought this all out.
Zeiss Manifold: ANUS BLOWING TIMBRES ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL
Zeiss Manifold: It sounds like an Acid Mothers Temple album where all they do is fart for an hour.
Delcat: The sad part is that this was probably a perfectly normal, perfectly good picture that some fetishist found and Photoshopped into a gastrointestinal nightmare.
Delcat: Like that one site on Portal of Evil back in the day where a guy obsessively took hundreds of real-person porn pictures and used MS Paint to draw "POOT" on them.

Zeiss Manifold: Now, Del, there's a running theme in my selections this time. It's a special All-Nipple Night!
Delcat: Gee, Zeiss, I knew milk came in bags in Canada, but I didn't know it ORIGINATED from them too.
Delcat: I mean really, they look like the makeshift flesh-balloons from the end of 9.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Did I say "nipples"? I meant "annelids". There.
Zeiss Manifold: THEY'VE GOT SEGMENTS
Delcat: Oh, baby, you do not want me to get started on horrible bug porn. /d/ LOVES horrible bug porn.
Zeiss Manifold: /d/ loves a lot of things.
Delcat: Judging by her feet, she's leaning on them. "Ahhh, this really takes a load off." It's like a bra in reverse.
Delcat: In Soviet Japan, oversized breasts support you!
Zeiss Manifold: I like to think that the chain on the wall there is what inflates and deflates them. Just give it a tug!
Delcat: Are you suggesting she's FLUSHING them? That...that's just more than I can deal with right now, Zeiss. Let's move on.
Zeiss Manifold: Yes, lets.

Delcat: For as long as I've known it existed, Simpsons porn has flummoxed me. Like, my first exposure was a Bart/Lisa fic years ago, and I went "Jeez, that's one sick individual, thank God it's just him." But no, no, it's so successful that they had porn zines before the Internet existed.
Zeiss Manifold: Tijuana Bibles, even. It's popularity surpasses that of time itself.
Delcat: Anyway. I like to think that this pic came to be in one of two fashions: 1) Life drawing student gets bored, puts cartoon head on model body. 2) Cartoonist gets bored, puts model body on cartoon head.
Zeiss Manifold: 3) Gardener gets bored, puts bean sprout in bed.
Delcat: I mean, the alternative is that someone who can draw hands better than I probably ever will actually intended to do this, and...again, more than I can deal with.
Delcat: The...orifice fascinates me. It's kind of like the slit you get on stuffed toys that have battery compartments.
Zeiss Manifold: I have no idea just what it is specifically that that vulva reminds me of, but it's something that makes a honking noise. I know that much.
Delcat: I think her feet have more detailed vaginas than her pussy.
Zeiss Manifold: Those are vaginae? I thought they wrere asscracks.
Delcat: Also, she's resting her hand on the veeeeeery edge of that bed. The next picture in the series is "Nude, swearing and clutching head after fall and collision with nightstand".
Delcat: "Oh also she's totally cartoon jailbait"
Delcat: Grade F+ SEE ME

Zeiss Manifold: It's the blanchedly dopey look on her face that gets me. That and I cannot figure out for my life how her hair is supposed to work.
Delcat: The tears, they come a little now and make your face a sad. But a cheer comes, happy, happy!
Delcat: I think she's standing (?) in front of a horse. It's a literal pony tail.
Zeiss Manifold: That and I think her right shoulder is hyperextended.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, and there's a dick in her nipple. Forgot about that.
Delcat: Also, what the fuck is going on in the lower right corner? Is she...what IS that? Is it someone else? Is she folded in on herself?
Zeiss Manifold: I thnk she's in one of those rooms what has mirrors on both walls. It goes on forever!
Delcat: Although I guess fucking between two mirrors is the ultimate orgy.
Delcat: She seems to have the "made of jelly" syndrome you see sometimes in porn. Look how shiny and wobbly she is.
Delcat: Just wanna slap 'er side and watch 'er wiggle
Delcat: NO, YOU FOOL! THEY'LL STEAL YOUR SOUL!
Zeiss Manifold: I want to shoop duck eyes on that breast for some reason. Now Del, what do we have next?
Delcat: Well, as long as we're talking hyperextension of limbs...

Delcat: SURPRISE! Johnny Longtorso and a caterpillar had a baby!
Zeiss Manifold: You know, all this needs is a cake somewhere and it'd be every other bad yaoi pic I've ever seen.
Delcat: What, every bad yaoi pic you've ever seen has a pair of hips that independently wander off a foot away from the body?
Delcat: And take place on the side of a skyscraper?
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, if you're going to have something climb onto a greenhouse and obstruct the sunlight, it might as well be something without much surface area. The spindliness is oddly practical in this case.
Delcat: Now you've got me thinking this is like some kind of annual insect infestation.
Zeiss Manifold: I would make a "dicada" joke here but he seems to have stolen the vagina from that Lisa Simpson pic earlier.
Delcat: Think ants mating on your patio every August is bad? Try a run of superextended bunny ukes fucking on your greenhouse roof.
Delcat: Well, whatever else you say, the doilies are a quaint touch.
Delcat: My grandmother will love it.
Zeiss Manifold: It's festive!
Zeiss Manifold: I just imagine this guy frolicking around and making the most horrible squeaking sounds.
Delcat: And they get even WORSE when you plug him in the ass, believe you me.

Zeiss Manifold: Alright, continuing on today's theme…
Delcat: Well, those clearly aren't real breasts, so it's not that much of a stretch...so to speak.
Zeiss Manifold: Nah, they're real. They wouldn't be using the special fetish straws if they weren't.
Delcat: She's just getting her speakers wired for better sound.
Delcat: Oh man, if I had breasts of slightly different sizes, I would so call one Woofer and one Tweeter.
Delcat: So, is that third orifice supposed to be her urethra, or did the artist just go "Meh"?
Zeiss Manifold: NEEDS MORE ROOM FOR DICKS
Zeiss Manifold: I WANT DICKS WHERE THERE AREN'T EVEN HOLES
Delcat: You know, I think the creepy bemused expressions you're finding are even creepier than sobbing rapefaces.
Delcat: It's like there's someone holding a gun offscreen and MAKING them smile D:
Zeiss Manifold: It's nothing short of wonder!
Delcat: Yes, I'm sure all the /d/eviants are looking at this pic right now with an equal sense of Sagan-esque cosmic wonder.
Zeiss Manifold: Hey - if you wish to make a Porn Roundup from scratch, you must first invent the imageboard.
Delcat: On the other hand, maybe having your breasts carved out like a jack-o-lantern just itches a bit.
Delcat: Okay, I'm getting morbid here, next picture.

Delcat: Uh, Zeiss, I think you dropped something.
Zeiss Manifold: TITSUO
Delcat: *CRUNCH*
Delcat: "Yeah, nagas are kinky and all, but you know what snakes need more of? TITS."
Delcat: I think the ones sticking out of the sides like warts disturb me the most. THEY'RE SPREADING. IN 24 HOURS HER ENTIRE BODY WILL BE ONE JIGGLY BOOB.
Zeiss Manifold: This is either the worst Pokemon ever, or the best.
Delcat: NAGATIT uses SMOTHER!
NAGATIT hits five times!
Delcat: And it's contagious, so the warrior dude is gonna become Ranma. ...briefly.
Zeiss Manifold: I feel that this would be to boy trainers what Lickitung must be to girls.
Delcat: Oh dude, that is nasty, man. You think girls think like that?
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, don't look at me, I never caught the damn thing.
Delcat: Fuckin' Haunter is where it's at, Zeiss. Lickitung is way too fat.
Delcat: HAUNTER uses LICK!
/d/EVIANT is paralyzed! ...WITH HORNINESS!
Delcat: ...I've seen fanart okay stop it

Zeiss Manifold: The nipple that doubles as a calzone.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't even like ricotta what is this
Delcat: You know that scene in The Shining where the blood floods out of the elevator? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
Delcat: You can even see the ghost partiers from later on in the background.
Delcat: All we need is an inexplicable dogsuit blowjob and we're set, and we KNOW the Internet has that.
Delcat: Why is she rolling up like that? Is she doing crunches?
Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, it's really not safe to hold the duck by the bill like that.
Delcat: "Fuck, I've really put on some pounds. Better work out."
Delcat: Zeiss, don't say "duck" in correlation with penises. I've had my fill of Chris-chan lately.

Zeiss Manifold: Alright, I know you've been saving the best for last.
Delcat: Oh, Zeiss, you know me too well.
Zeiss Manifold: OH GOD IT'S SUCKING OUT HIS GLUTES
Delcat: Milking is a very small but very devoted fetish group on /y/, and every time someone starts a thread, the same handful of pics are passed around...except this one. This one shows up in maybe one of five threads, and when it does, it's like a man who bathed in bacon gravy entering a small room and flapping his arms enthusiastically.
Delcat: Is it the terrible anatomy? The Shatner-paced dialogue? The painful disconnect between drawn and Photoshopped art? Whatever the case may be, this pic ends parties like Unskilled masturbates--abruptly, awkwardly, and with the lingering scent of a sack of Whitecastles.
Zeiss Manifold: Milkinme, the new family sci-fi fetish adventure brought to you by McDonald's..
Delcat: Hey, still can't be worse than Nukie.
Delcat: ...really, it can't. Seiran and I actually watched it, and...yeah, I'll take my chances with Tom.
Zeiss Manifold: It looks like something from a Tom Of Finland coloring book.
Delcat: It's nice that they let him keep his security blanket, at least.
Delcat: "Hard at work in the secret labs of the Juicy Juice corporation..."]
Delcat: Or no, you know what? I bet this is all twenty-four flavors or Dr. Pepper.
Zeiss Manifold: ...The way that he's positioned, it's probable that the original artist drew a pole and a milking machine in the first place. I don't know why you'd go through all the trouble of rendering new ones with the engine from Bubsy 3-D.
Delcat: ...OH GOD. NO, ULILILILILIA, NOOOOOOO!

Zeiss Manifold: Now, it might not look it, but my last selection closes out my themed presentation quite nicely.
Delcat: Why? That's a perfectly nice vaginOH MY GOD
Delcat: okay I lied it's actually a shitty vagina regardless, but I had to go for the line.
Zeiss Manifold: Turn it upside down, it's an inquisitive beetle!
Delcat: Tit: ;o;
Delcat: D'aaaw, it so is! I should make an icon of it and see if people use it without realizing.
Zeiss Manifold: I hear "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" every time I see this. Trufax.
Delcat: You know, it's got more detail, but this is essentially the Lisa Simpson vagina all over again. No urethra or actual vaginal opening, just a distended navel.
Delcat: Wait, how do those piercings even work? Magnets?
Zeiss Manifold: It's leaking! Someone must have punctured its milk sac.
Delcat: *boobclutch* JAYSIS Zeiss.
Zeiss Manifold: It's like they're getting ready to make nipple cutlets.
Delcat: That sounds like a good theme for another round-up. In the meantime, we have to sign off. Any parting words?
Zeiss Manifold: Protect your milk sacs, girls!
Delcat: Truer words could not be spoken.

I believe this qualifies as fanart. Also as porn. Bad? Well, you decide.

Spoiler:

Delcat: (you first, or shall I?)
Zeiss Manifold: (you can go first, gime a sec)
Delcat: Aw, but I don't have any of my zombie rape pics queued up!
Delcat: This'll have to do.
Zeiss Manifold: Wolverines don't have quills, do they?
Delcat: Not to my knowledge. and being from Michigan, I have more knowledge of wolverines than most.
Zeiss Manifold: From experience, and having seen your share of Rule 34 over time?
Delcat: I like to think that this is happening on a boat, and they take turns fucking her as she slides back and forth, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Zeiss Manifold: oh my god this picture is awesome now
Delcat: Although that'd mean it's Cyclops' turn right now, so I'll admit to being pretty confused.
Delcat: It doesn't help that Wolverine is apparently ejaculating adamantium. I can't even count the number of reasons that wouldn't work on both hands.
Zeiss Manifold: It'd be hell on his tubes, too.
Delcat: Most of all, though, I appreciate Cyclops in this picture. His neanderthal sneer, his flattened nose, his ill-drawn mushroom-cock, his limp balls, his awkward stance. Could it possibly be more obvious that the artist drew him in as an afterthought and didn't like him much to begin with?
Delcat: It's like someone went "NOT ENOUGH COCK DRAW SOMEONE ELSE" and they went "FINE FUCK YOU HERE'S MONKEY-CLOPS" out of spite.
Zeiss Manifold: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD SOLIDIFY MY STATUS AS A GREAT STRAIGHT PORN ARTIST? A GIANT DRIPPY DONG IN THE CORNER OF THE FRAME
Zeiss Manifold: THAT'S THE TICKET
Delcat: It's cute that Scott and Logan have matching nondescript fucking pajamas. It'll look just great on the Christmas card this year.

Zeiss Manifold: Say Del, I really don't hope I'm inflating your expectations of this Roundup…
Zeiss Manifold: Captioned images are starting to earn very frothy reactions over at /d/, and here's why.
Delcat: Good frothy or bad frothy?
Zeiss Manifold: ...Has there ever been a "good" froth of any sort?
Delcat: Hot cocoa, man. Whipped cream on top.
Delcat: ...this isn't a cocoa froth situation, is it? :<
Zeiss Manifold: That's not froth, "froth" implies gunkiness and bubbles.
Zeiss Manifold: "Foam" is good, "frothy" is not.
Zeiss Manifold: LINGUISTICS
Delcat: Why do we always have to have gunkiness and bubbles? Why can't we ever have cocoa?
Zeiss Manifold: DUN DUN DUN
Delcat: DON'T YOU TRY TO SFX OUT OF THIS
Zeiss Manifold: BUT I WANNA SFX YOU UP
Delcat: Well, on the bright side, I was never that fond of King of the Hill. Mafi's gonna be upset, though.
Zeiss Manifold: HAPPEDE IT
Delcat: Wait, didn't the lady who voiced Luann just die? ...don't bodies bloat up after they die?
Delcat: God, I hope they buried her deep.
Zeiss Manifold: Too soon, man, too soon.
Delcat: Well, this had to happen sooner or later, I must say. We could fill an entire Roundup with inflation art alone.
Delcat: Which, y'know, would be kind of meta, if you think about it.
Delcat: "Hm, I got something in an unmarked package and I don't know what it is. I THINK I'LL STICK IT IN MY MOUTH."
Delcat: Couldn't they just...y'know, take out the plugs?
Delcat: Or would that cause them to fly around the room making high-pitched rude noises?
Delcat: ...is that part of the fetish?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh man, what if someone is reading all the times I've gone "pffft" in our snarks and doing unspeakable things
Delcat: It's okay, dude, as long as you weren't actually deflating from an oversized pool-toy appearance, they can't get off.


Delcat: Hey Zeiss, have you ever seen those papercraft doll thingies?
Delcat: You know, where people cut out little paper dolls of chibis and take photos of them playing with giant real-life objects, and it's cute?
Zeiss Manifold: I think so...no wait, you don't mean-
Delcat: Gurochan likes papercraft too!
Zeiss Manifold: So many "paper cut" puns, so little time.
Delcat: I must say, a lot of work, creativity, and devotion go into /g/ papercraft dolls...which makes them that much creepier.
Delcat: I mean, look at all the teeny fiddly little pieces that he had to cut out and stage, there. That had to have taken so much time and effort.
Delcat: And for what? A fairy girl peeing while her clit gets ripped off.
Zeiss Manifold: And meanwhile, on a higher plane, Astral Gurochan savages a PVC figurine with a penis-shaped hypercube.
Delcat: I wish I knew exactly how long this took, so I could make a pie chart of other things he could have done during that time, like read a book or cure cancer.
Delcat: I like that he cut out the action lines, too. I really needed to know that her big toe was...echolocating, or something.
Delcat: And also out of line with the rest of her...actually what the hell is going on with those toes, one is broken or bent back or something
Delcat: I forget if this was done by the same guy who mentioned having a hard time doing these because his family kept coming into his room during photo sessions.
Zeiss Manifold:
It's the dirty story of a dirty man
And his fairy wife doesn't understand
His son is fooling with exacto-knives
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperclit-ripper
Zeiss Manifold: PAPERCLIT-RRRRRRIPPER

Zeiss Manifold: ...And I'm filked out and can't think of a good segue for my next selection, so here goes:
Delcat: I think the best part is that she's clearly already got something stuffed into her horribly misshapen balls.
Zeiss Manifold: This doesn't squick me nearly as much as it should, really. I think it's the YEP THIS HERE IS A GOOD IDEA WHOOPS MY URETHRA IS PUNCTURED I GUESS THAT'S LIFE expression.
Delcat: Yeah, she clearly went into this knowing exactly what she was doing and is satisfied with the results.
Zeiss Manifold: And really, who can blame her?
Delcat: I guess what's what you can expect from a woman with subway handholds for nipple rings.
Delcat: For some reason, this reminds me of the bit in Jungle Book when Baloo is singing Bear Necessities and stacking fruit on his claw and then he eats it all at once.
Delcat: In other words FUCK YOU ZEISS THERE GOES ANOTHER CHUNK OF CHILDHOOD
Zeiss Manifold:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Zeiss Manifold: The arrow makes it. "Down. The morningstar goes down into the pisstube." It's like a hentai version of the Superdictionary.
Delcat:
~Now when you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear
And you prick the wrong paw, well next time, beware!
Don't pick the prickly pear with the paw, when you pick the pear try to use the dong!
But you don't need to use the dong when you pick a pear from the BIG pawdong
Delcat: Have I given you a clue?
Delcat: ~The Bare Necessities of life will cum to you!
Zeiss Manifold: Well-played.
Delcat: Well really, what else are you gonna say to that?
Delcat: Is this a good place to point out that you're not supposed to insert or remove ANY urethral sounds while the penis is erect because it turns into kind of an inverse Chinese cocktrap?
Zeiss Manifold: And how many times did they make you watch that penis-safety video in Human Sexuality class?
Delcat: ...I may have asked to borrow the copy, what of it?
Zeiss Manifold: Now I've got this image of a bunch of claymation urethral sounds singing a jaunty song about using them safely.
Zeiss Manifold: "NO MISTER TOOTHPICK / YOU'RE NOT THE RIGHT PICK FOR THE JOB"
Delcat: HOW DID YOU KNOW
Zeiss Manifold: New York State public school system, man. We watched it every semester up to high school.
Zeiss Manifold: It's upstate. People here do weird things when they get bored.
Delcat: Funny, I heard people do your MOM when they get bored.
Zeiss Manifold: OH NO YOU DI'INT

Delcat: AND IF THAT DOESN'T HURT YOU INSIDE, TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE
Zeiss Manifold: And here I thought threatening to shit on things was the lowest persuasion technique one could make do with. Ash just went a step lower.
Delcat: I really want to know the story behind this one. I mean, in a morbid curiosity kind of way. Why won't he come out? Is there an HD TV in there or something?
Delcat: I would Google "Doc Ice", but I fear the unknown.
Zeiss Manifold: You can shit him out, man, you're Charizard. Come on.
Zeiss Manifold: -Oh wait, it's an unregistered version of Charizard. Never mind.
Delcat: He forgot Explosive Human Shitting to learn Flame Wheel, man. Bad deal all 'round.
Zeiss Manifold: I can see him signing this, too. "Yeah, I'm Doc Ice. Chicks did the Ice."
Delcat: That is a very frightening penis. I mean, it's smaller than his balls, it's syphilis-red, it's covered in motherfucking SPIKES, and it's vibrating wildly.
Zeiss Manifold: LIKE YOUR MOM
Delcat: man let it go that doesn't even make sense
Zeiss Manifold: I can pretend your mom is a tiny, unstable Stegosaurus-mite if I want to, man.
Delcat: It's no wonder Charmanders are so rare in the wild, if they all have radioactive wigglejunk like that.
Delcat: Know what really tops off the sad in this picture? Motherfucker COULD NOT stay in the lines. Look at all those little orange smudges leaking out.

Zeiss Manifold: Well, it's time for our last selection of the night.And wouldn't you know!
Delcat: ...Zeiss.
Delcat: ...am I looking at blobfish porn.
Zeiss Manifold:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Delcat: *sigh* Well, let's check the Other Wiki for authenticity.
Delcat: "Blobfish are found at depths where the pressure is several dozens of times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient. To remain buoyant, the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front of it."
Delcat: That? Makes this picture awesome.
Zeiss Manifold: Well, the blobfish is technically only holding the octopus in place...
Delcat: Seriously, that thing has been in her basement for four months. She's been ignoring it this entire time, and just ventured slightly too close today while doing laundry.
Delcat: The socks were her downfall.
Zeiss Manifold: And it's a blobfish, so it still looks depressed about it.
Zeiss Manifold: Blobfish are the Strong Sads of the Sea.
Delcat: It's true. Blobfish don't have pervert [sic] delight in anything. They got the depression.
Zeiss Manifold: It's more of a compulsive delight, really.
Delcat: Actually, I'd feel even worse if I was in that situation. Having a half-digested screaming chick stuck in my gaping maw, and also I'm a blobfish? I'd just bite off my own tongue along with her head and die right there.
Delcat: At least this confirms Femboy School in one thing: Chiller is the SEXIEST FONT EVER.
Zeiss Manifold: AND NO ONE'S GONNA HIDE YOU FROM THE CHILLER CHILLER WHOOO
Delcat: Aaaaah, was that really necessary?
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, anything to cheer the blobfish up.
Delcat: We might as well be making jokes about how she brought her own fleshlight at that rate.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm imaging her yelling in slow motion as we zoom in on the blobfish and "MacArthur Park" starts playing.
Zeiss Manifold: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR FEET OUT NEAR THE FISH
Zeiss Manifold: IIIII DON'T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE IT
Zeiss Manifold: 'CAUSE IT TOOK SO LONG TO MAKE IT
Zeiss Manifold: AND I'LL HAVE TO TORRENT PHOTOSHOP AGAINNN
Zeiss Manifold: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Delcat: Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but when this gray 'net crumbles like a cake, I'll be hangin' from the hope that we never see this URL again.
Zeiss Manifold: Aaaand that's a wrap for tonight's roundup! Sleep tight, and don't let the blobfish bite!
Delcat: Or...gum aggressively, at any rate.

NOTE: This thread isn't just for the two of us! If you've got some bad porn that doesn't fit anywhere else to snark, go right on ahead. Just don't turn this into 20 pages of "OMG EWWWWW BRAIN BLEACH" and it's fine.

Delcat: Hey Zeiss, I think it's time we had a serious talk about neglected characters.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh really?
Delcat: Specifically, neglected characters and their relationship to hot sex.
Zeiss Manifold: And how close is our next character to hot activites of the sexular variety?
Delcat: Let's just say he's about to bring out a few CANDLES for MOOD LIGHTING
Zeiss Manifold: You're trying to outdo my tickle fetish pic from last time, aren't you
Delcat: I know it's a difficult thing, but I like to think I shed some LIGHT on the challenge
Delcat: The earring makes it for me, personally. Nothing says "I have an inexplicable crush on an inanimate singing object that must be fulfilled with tickling" like hanging your lover's visage from your flesh in effigy.
Zeiss Manifold: Would vigorously pounding someone's foot with a blunt thing of wax really tickle? Wouldn't the wax, like, form a protective Rule 34-free coating or something?
Delcat: Just wait until he tries to give her a Brazillian.
Zeiss Manifold: And calls all his blobfish friends.

Zeiss Manifold: Well, I'm going for a rather Rule 34-ish theme too. And guess what's worse than Rule 34? Belated holiday Rule 34!
Zeiss Manifold: Cowboy Bebop weighs pretty low on the "awesomeness of series:awesomeness of series’ porn" ratio.
Delcat: I see a vision.
Delcat: A vision of a female torso with breasts augmented beyond her control hung like a marionette above another woman's stomach and legs.
Zeiss Manifold: They're attached right to her collarbone. It's like a festive breast-themed bib.
Delcat: A vision of dead porn star eyes and autopsy scars barely covered by yellow shreds of cloth.
Delcat: A vision of a corpse lefting hanging in a man's studio apartment as a faux holiday gift as a message that he is next.
Delcat: --BUT I did read NaruTaru recently, so...
Delcat: Although having your porn resemble a really disturbing murder THAT closely should probably make you re-examine your work anyway.
Delcat: All that aside, I like that her boobs and stomach are making a little moe 83 face.
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe they are, and the rest of her is just vestigial.
Delcat: And that she not only shaved her pubic hair into a heart but also renegotiated her entire reproductive system for better vaginal access.
Delcat: That's love, right there.
Delcat: I also wish I knew what "Valetines Day" was and why soulless marionettes celebrate it.
Zeiss Manifold: According to calculations, her uterus should be resting comfortably in her taint by now.
Delcat: T'aint nothin' wrong with that! Well, except all of medical science as we know it.

Delcat: Well, while the girls are off having fun, I wonder what the boys are getting up to!
Zeiss Manifold: ORGY BABIES MAKIN' OUR DREAMS COME TRUE
Delcat: The underage-looking cross-fandom furry boys, I mean.
Delcat: The sad part is that I know what all of them are. That's Yoshi, three Neopets, Pikachu, Veemon, and one of those little flappy things from Sonic.
Zeiss Manifold: Flappy Dude is clearly the wallflower here.
Zeiss Manifold: Apparently, furries have Episode I Jar-Jar Pushup Candy for penises.
Delcat: oh fuck you man that candy was creepy enough
Delcat: You know, I see that a lot in furry Pedobear stuff, the little chapstick dick. Why is that? It's not like penises evolve at puberty.
Delcat: ...do they?
Zeiss Manifold: The "Flappy & The Trouble With Premature Ejaculation" coloring book was met with scorn by education officials.
Delcat: Red Neopet's dick is coming out of his stomach. No wonder he's the least engaged.
Delcat: They all have uniballs, too. Maybe we've got it all wrong. Maybe they're actually cancerous growths rupturing all over each other.
Delcat: I think that would actually be preferable.
Zeiss Manifold: Why are they in a locker room to begin with? Do shotafurs really have much need of gym pants?
Delcat: All right boys, shower up.

Zeiss Manifold: Well, that aside, how would you like our next selection?
Zeiss Manifold: Available in three easy payments of $19.99.
Delcat: I'm once again made sad that that site Seiran found that exclusively sold models of underage Japanese girls shitting themselves mysteriously disappeared.
Delcat: You'd think that with all that loving construction detail we could at least figure out who it is. Goku? Cloud? That dude from Yu-Gi-Oh? Who knows?
Zeiss Manifold: His semen is barbed. Macekebab-Sounding Dickgirl from last time would be proud.
Delcat: Whoever it is, they have lovely ballerina feet, which probably excludes Cloud.
Zeiss Manifold: Just imagine setting this by a nice china lamp for the guests to look at!
Delcat: No no, dude, this is totally a coffee table piece.
Delcat: Right next to a copy of "301 BUTTS OF THE MULTIVERSE".
Zeiss Manifold: "And here's a signed monograph from Paul Klee addressed to my father - the frame cost a fortune, mind you, and here's our collection of Miles Davis records, and this right here is a little anime man gleefully molding his own ejaculate into a decorative lasso."
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: Avatar, the Last Spermbender!

Delcat: Okay Zeiss, you ready for the big sign-off from my end?
Zeiss Manifold: Why, my sperm is coiling itself in anticipation.
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S A RULE 34 BLOWOUT
Delcat: I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUCKING ORGANIZATION XIII PORN I FUCKING HATE YOU PAHEAL
Zeiss Manifold: This is pretty much any given day on /co/, really
Delcat: From L-R: A reject from the Pink Elephants scene from Dumbo, that rat thing that that one chick from back in the day on GAFF couldn't stop drawing, a mop of some sort, Rule 63 of my first dog, that dog from that series no one cares about, Amelia FUCKING Bedelia GOODBYE CHILDHOOD, I think furry Rule 63 Jizabel from Godchild, possibly the lady from Cats Don't Dance or possibly the blind cat from Felidae...
Delcat: ...a Heartless, hence why it turned up under the Kingdom Hearts tag, that chick from that series nobody cares about, obligatory Paheal Frankie, some kind of horrifying Ewok, something I suspect is actually a guy, antagonist of Moose and Squirrel, and I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW RAINBOW BRITE MAYBE
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: Fuck, did I miss anyone?
Zeiss Manifold: Uh, just the logo
Delcat: Oh, everyone on Paheal knows that logo, it's a total whore.
Delcat: And I just realized that "Jizabel" is like a godawful porn star name, there goes another chunk of fandom.
Zeiss Manifold: With all the emphasis on HOOOOOOOOOOOOOTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRS, I'm surprised he didn't go for the full six tits on the dogs.
Delcat: I think that's because most of this stuff looks plagiarized anyway.
Delcat: I mean, he may be able to go out of his way while tracing to make two boobs, but six? Please, he has other things to do!
Zeiss Manifold: Some of these characters are pretty obscure, though - we're dealing with an expert. This guy had this all planned out years in advance, long nights spent agonizing over whether to to include Mrs. Fathead or not, whether Amelia Bedelia would make for a better contrast if she was sandwiched between two furries...
Zeiss Manifold: I just imagine whole sketchbooks full of rough drafts for this thing. And then he added "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERSSSSSSSSS" in at the last minute and he's been kicking himself ever since.
Delcat: The furry-to-human ratio mystifies me, honestly. It's like he almost managed a complete furry line-up, and then deviated at the last second.
Delcat: It's almost like the pattern-recognition game they have on Sesame Street. "What should come next? A furry, or a human?"
Zeiss Manifold: Well, it's the old question of artistic purity vs. mass appeal, isn't it? Only covered in tits.
Zeiss Manifold: And speaking of which, the tits all look copied and pasted. If you're that obsessed about making a tribute to them, why not add some variety? Some differing areola diameters are all I ask for, please.
Delcat: Like the story about the cat with areolas like coins, and then the cat with areolas like saucers, and then the cat with areolas like towers?
Delcat: p.s. I hate Furry Storytime :<
Zeiss Manifold: They had Furry Hour at your daycare too?
Delcat: Yeah, right before Special Fun Closet Hour.
Delcat: And then those snacks with blue Jell-o in a clear cup like an ocean with GUMMI SHARKS YEEAAAAH
Zeiss Manifold: And Goldfish! Don't forget Goldfish.
Zeiss Manifold: They must have barrels of that stuff stocked in every learning facility.
Delcat: Aw man, takes me back, man!

Zeiss Manifold: Y'know what else takes me back?
Delcat: Oh yeah, me too! Giant exploding Dr. Manhattan wanking, I remember when this happened!
Delcat: Man, I feel so sorry for those bastards on floor 57 right now.
Zeiss Manifold: This is why you should never use Nikolai Tesla as a sounding rod, folks.
Zeiss Manifold: Also, Truth For Youth face.
Delcat: Is...what is happening to the Comedian's chest? Do his nipples have little hands with nice manicures?
Zeiss Manifold: And the artist decides to go with the Chinese bootleg versions of the Watchmen cast. CHICKEN.
Zeiss Manifold: I think we finally found out what Rorscash looks like.
Delcat: Actually, I think this is Rorschach's secret origins. All that abuse and neglect? That did nothing to his philosophy compared to seeing a stream of santorum like the Nile slowly drip down the side of the Empire State Building.
Delcat: Speaking of which, that spike has gotta hurt.
Zeiss Manifold: It was enough to make him replace his mask with a goalie faceguard and grey Inca-emperor-crest, at any rate.
Delcat: This is just...this is a perfect image. I am in complete awe.
Zeiss Manifold: "Everybody !!" Except for the penthouse suite, they probably can't see shit.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I worded that wrong
Delcat: We can only pray, Zeiss.
Delcat: We can only pray.