You've been Yaoi'd!

Slush Black and the Seven Dwarbishies

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You've heard of Snow White right? Well, I'm her cousin Slush and this is my story. Warnings for sarcasm, stereotypes and slash.

Okay, so slashing up fairy tales isn't new. Hell, I've done a boy-love version of Red Riding Hood, so I'm a total hypocrite for this, but I couldn't ignore 'Slush Black'. Plus, I wanted to see what passed for sarcasm in the story.

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I blinked and the nightmare didn’t go away, I twisted and the fabric rubbed against my leg gracefully. I closed my eyes tight and let it sink in.

I was wearing a dress.

Now I know to most people,

this would not sound like a reason to be overdramatic like I appear to be. But let me burst your naïve little bubbles.

I am a boy. Not a girl. A man. A manly prince. One who has never worn a dress or even thought about wearing a dress.

I'm curious to know why a manly prince would allow a dress to be donned in the first place, wouldn't you?

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My parents are sadists.

No, I am not exaggerating!

Oh? They whip you and chain you into a damp and dreary dungeon?

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They constantly try to cause me displeasure. My sisters get all the attention, the best jewels, the compliments, the choice of which adoring prince they want to marry.

...oh. They spanked you with the Whiny Yaoi Paddle once too many times?

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Me? I just get shooed away and told to ‘go read my silly books’ or sent to do some princely thing like slay a dragon or win a tournament even though it’s a well-known fact I’m too clumsy for weapons and I’d rather talk to the dragon than slay it.

Brilliant! Murder the dragon one brain-cell at a time!

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People are so stupid, why kill a dragon when they can be so informative? My best friend Scaly had been a dragon when I was a kid ...(snip)

"But, as I grew older, I realized that 'Scaly' was just a particularly ugly horse..."

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My hair is red and curly and most importantly short, it barely reaches my ears unlike my sisters golden tresses that tumble down their backs.

"The chemotherapy wasn't boding well with their golden tresses, sadly."

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I got fed up with my reflection and walked over to the window, hating the sound of the ruffles against the stone floor.

"But, I am a prince - a manly prince - so cleaning up my leftover potato chips was certainly out of the question! That's what maids are for."

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Yes, my name is Slush. Slush Black, royal prince of Yriaf Elat.

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The door opened and my sister, Breezy walked in.

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“Prince Dunder has arrived, he’s waiting for you in the garden,” she said with a blush. My eyes widened.

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All three of them, Sunny, Cloudy and Tornado, my beloved beautiful sisters.

My, this writer is excellent at naming her characters! I can barely wait to see what the seven dwarfs dwarbishies are named! Doc Cock, Penisy, Phallusy, Dicky, Erectiony, Groiny, Membery?

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“Oh yes, very,” Sunny smiled and clapped her hands.

“Not enough to tempt me,” Cloudy frowned and crossed her arms.

“How can you say that?!” Tornado roared, looking at Cloudy with wide eyes.

Oh! Their personalities so blatantly match their names, as well. Literary genius!

So, Slush ends up meeting Prince Dunder and attempts to inform the sod that he's a boy. Quite blatantly. Prince Dunder, of course, is true to his namesake and obliviously denies any truth to the words, even though Slush believes himself to be such a manly prince.

Fed up with the stupidity, Slush punches his betrothed, strips himself of the dress, and makes a beeline for the forest after scaling the garden wall.

OH TEH DRAHMA.

I LOLed at the dwarbishie name part.

Goddamn it, with that thread title I thought someone actually wrote a porn fic about some WGWers out of revenge or something.

I feel so disappointed.

I see someone who has missed the point of why Snow White was named Snow White.

If I had to name this dude based on some stereotypical feature...It would be Squeal Lubefart.

"Yriaf Elat"? Really? Although considering the "imaginative" names of his other characters, I shouldn't be surprised.

Nihilist wrote:

Goddamn it, with that thread title I thought someone actually wrote a porn fic about some WGWers out of revenge or something.

I feel so disappointed.

I could probably arrange that, if you like.

Shingzyl wrote:

Nihilist wrote:

Goddamn it, with that thread title I thought someone actually wrote a porn fic about some WGWers out of revenge or something.

I feel so disappointed.

I could probably arrange that, if you like.

So does that mean either of the following:

1) snarking a friend's work
2) snarking your own work and too afraid to admit that it's yours
3) something else

And if you could arrange it, what does it matter anyway.

Nihilist wrote:

Shingzyl wrote:

Nihilist wrote:

Goddamn it, with that thread title I thought someone actually wrote a porn fic about some WGWers out of revenge or something.

I feel so disappointed.

I could probably arrange that, if you like.

So does that mean either of the following:

1) snarking a friend's work
2) snarking your own work and too afraid to admit that it's yours
3) something else

And if you could arrange it, what does it matter anyway.

Well, writing smut concerning strangers on a forum isn't the best of habits, now is it?

And if I were to snark my own work, I'd fess up to it being mine. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Shingzyl wrote:

Well, writing smut concerning strangers on a forum isn't the best of habits, now is it?

Hey, don't trash my dreams.

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And if I were to snark my own work, I'd fess up to it being mine. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Ohhh... I like you. :psy-4:

Nihilist wrote:

Hey, don't trash my dreams.

Gimme a reason to write some smut, and maybe your dreams will come true, sweetheart. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Nihilist wrote:

Ohhh... I like you. :psy-4:

Oh, I bet you do.

Back to snarking with chapter two!

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately yes, I own this; I do not however own any fairy tales that are mocked in this. Yay for Star Wars, Shakespeare and Terry Pratchett references!

She's targeting Terry Pratchett! This. Means. War.

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Now I saw why it was called the EWOK or Enchanted Wood of Kookiness.

Oh, the stifling genius is smothering!

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I’d only been walking for an hour and I’d already run into a fairy boy
searching for some girl named Dumbelina (or something equally silly) ...snip

Oh, that's a zinger!

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But the hunger and exhaustion were getting to me and a dinner of berries and a bed of moss did not sound appetizing.

But, moss is oh-so-delish!

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I blinked; they could tell I was a man? That was a first, these guys
must be some of the few intelligent beings in Yriaf Elat and that was
saying something.

"The only other intelligent being was a particularly brilliant turkey. Sadly, he died a month ago during a rainstorm; interbreeding on the farms made the rainclouds irresistible to look away from."

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“I still don’t think we should, this boy has brat written all over
him,” he poked me with the shovel again and I smacked it with the fork.

I'm liking the man with the shovel.

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On the far side of the room was a staircase that led to what I guessed were the bedrooms, I counted exactly eight doors.

Convenient. Eight doors.

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They were all tall and wore black pants, white shirts and vests. I
could see slightly pointed ears poking through their messy mops of
hair. So they weren’t men.

"Rorschach's Slush's Journal:
March 15, 2009.

Hosts appear to share the same wardrobe and hairstylist. They also possess pointed ears. Possible fairies. Must investigate further."

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“Um, yeah, most dwarves I know are short, hairy and ugly as sin,” I
smirked and pointed at Shovel-guy, “He’s the only one who fits the
description,” the group burst out laughing while if possible, SG’s
glare increased ten-fold.

Because, you know, insulting one of the homeowners you're mooching off of is a great way to gain free room and board!

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“Well, we all suffer from what Dwarves call Bishie. We were all born
into regular dwarf families except we had the misfortune of being tall,
beardless and handsome.”

Dwarfs in Yriaf Elat are notorious for their obsessive weaboo syndrome.

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“I pride myself on my sense,” I shot back.

How can you have pride in something you lack?

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If you can’t tell, each dwarf is named after an element or thing in
nature. Timber = Tree, Splash = River, Arid = Desert (Arid means dry),
Onyx = Rock, Striker and Boom = Lightning and Thunder, and Burnie =
Fire.

OH MAI TANK U 4 INFORMUN ME WHUT ARID MEANT!
Again, the names directly correspond with their personalities. Guess who "Shovel Guy" was!

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If anyone would like to be the best person ever and maybe draw me a
picture of the Dwarbishies, I’d be eternally grateful, just contact me
if you decide to take up the challenge.

I just got the image of Harlequin covers involving Fabio getting pasted together...

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This chapter is dedicated to my friend Bob the Destroyer, because he helped me name my dwarves. Thanks Eric ^_^

I am just going to point out that this little brainmaster needed help coming up with the name 'Burnie'.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

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This chapter is dedicated to my friend Bob the Destroyer, because he helped me name my dwarves. Thanks Eric ^_^

I am just going to point out that this little brainmaster needed help coming up with the name 'Burnie'.

Well, given the caliber of the names she usually makes up? Even bad help is help for her.

Chapter 3 Cats

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I would also like to point out that this is fairy tale land so
things like pancakes and shampoo are allowed to exist and the author is
too lazy to be historically accurate.

First step is fessing up to the problem! Now...fix it.

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“Poor girl, she told us about her mother who locked her up in a
tower for trying to cut her hair!” Splash’s face was so full of
despair, I almost felt sympathy for that Rapoodle girl (snip)

"OMG, Slush is soooooo funny. Always messing up the names of stoopid females. LOL"

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“!” Onyx blushed and gave Striker a shy smile.

That's a verbal feat!

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“Oh not too much, I managed to get some sleep after I stuffed some
candlesticks in my ears.” The dwarves laughed and I helped myself to
some pancakes.

"LOLOLOLOL!"

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“Who did this?! Who put this bucket above my door?!”

I stood and bowed and the laughter grew, even Arid managed a smirk.

“Maybe that will cool you down, you hothead!” I smiled triumphantly and Burnie
threw the bucket down the stairs before stomping back to his room to
change.

“Is he gonna kill me now?” I asked when the laughter quieted down.

"LOLOLOLOLOL"

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What? It’s not like I was some damsel in distress who couldn’t take care of herself…I mean, himself…

Ah, so Slush is a genderbendered self-insert of the author!

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I wonder what they would do if I took a knife and carved the word
‘dungeon’ into my door. Maybe it would solve their annoying guest
problem.

Oh, great idea!

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His hand fell to his side as he grinned, “I think you misunderstand me, I was introducing myself. You’re not the first to get confused. My name is Purr, while my surname is Fect,” he explained.

“Purr Fect?” I asked and gripped the doorknob so I wouldn’t smack myself in the head. His name was Perfect?! Grimm, just kill me now.

Purr Fect is, by the way, a pussy cat man.

Okay, so, I'm going to skip the obligatory "rawr I hate that egotistical pervert butOMGheissohawt" SlushxPurr crap.

Although, this made me laugh:

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Hans Christian Anderson! He was straddling me!

Today on Jerry: What happens when memorable authors have had enough of their precious plot lines being repackaged into cliche bullshit?

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Now you’ve met Purr. Can you guess what fairy tale he’s parodying? A cookie to whoever guesses it!

"DURRR, I DUNNO! Froots Baskut? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "

Now this is interesting. A badfic made of fairytale and not an AU made of fairytale. Doesn't make it any better though - It's practically an original story with very little resemblance to the original. The names make me LOL.