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 Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue

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-XIII-



Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 32

Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty
PostSubject: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue EmptySat Jun 13, 2009 10:39 am

Under normal circumstances, a Mary-Sue fanfic wouldn't be awful enough for snarking, but this one seems a bit different to me. Maybe because she's half-monkey but looks exactly like a human with dwarfism who has every boy in high school think she's hot and who also has special powers. Or maybe it's because the writer is so completely ignorant of the rules of writing speech* that the entire thing is at risk of being nigh-unintelligible. Or maybe it's the pathetic attempt at a tragic past. Or maybe it's just because she refers to her eyes as 'naval blues'.
Whatever it is, I present to you 'Specter's love' by Hinatachan167.
*Yes, I know she's German, but given she knows the words, and the order in which they should go, and her punctuation isn't notably bad, I don't really think she has any excuse for this. It's like she's never seen any dialogue before, which I refuse to believe.

Quote :
‘Professor! Is it true: Rin-Chan coming for a visit?!’ the professor stared at an excited spike,
This is why capital letters are so important - as it stands, that may almost belong in the 'unerotic euphemisms' thread.

Quote :
‘konichuwa!’
This takes Fangirl Japanese to a whole new low, something I previously wasn't entirely sure was possible.

Quote :
‘Yep the one you used to help me catch apes in the past!’
Boo for Mary-Sue retcons!

Quote :
I remember specter even though I was 7 years old
From what I can tell, she was seven-year-old went out to save the world. Not only that, but she's surprised she remembered doing it?
I remember some mundane things from when I was that age...

Quote :
still short about specters height to be exact.
I looked this up on the Internets, and Specter is 128cm. She would almost certainly be a dwarf, by American standards.

Quote :
I remember me having short crimson red hair and very deep navy blue eyes now in days my hair is straight down towards the middle part of my back which is always tied back in a braid.
Surpisingly, the hair and eyes are canon, if she wants to be a colour-clone of Spike. However, her back being braided is completely original.

Quote :
I nodded at my grandfather I remember what I did to specter not to long ago when I came to visit my grandfather.
That sounds wrong. The name of this fic is not helping it sound any better.

Quote :
I could even remember petting him and he seemed to like it, but then he turned into a monster. ‘I wonder what specter looks like.’
Didn't you just, you know, mention you'd fought against him twice. In, maybe, the previous paragraph.

Quote :
I wanted to cry since I was little I’ve been called that, but instead I took a letter opener and stabbed my mother and then knocked her out with the vase which initially killed her.
I bet the writer wanted an OMGtwagicpast here, but this is just hilariously hilarious. And completely out-of-the-blue, too.

Quote :
I tried not to freak out over the fact that I’ve probably killed my own mother. When the paramedics arrived they told me she was gonna be alright but I needed to move away from her until my mentality was back together,
Yeah, it'll be fine, let's just allow a dangerously insane and violent person to walk free instead of, say, have her institutionalised for a while.

Quote :
Oh! Sorry people, I forgot to mention something: I’m basing this fanfic off of sarugetchu on air that I’ve been watching on YouTube.
Sorry, but that doesn't excuse anything you've written here.

Quote :
yeah pipo monkey popped out of no where and scared me but now I’m fine.
This makes me think of Legolas, for some reason.

Quote :
my hair was in a bun like the geishas, little chopsticks (sorry don’t know what they’re called), and my locket.
If it's not relevant, and you don't know what it is, then don't mention it. Especially not if your best description is 'little chopsticks', and you don't even make it clear where they are.
...If anyone cares, I think she's referring to kogai...

Quote :
At the school- every guy stared at me with amazement, giving me dog howls and cat whistles,
I told you she was a Mary Sue, didn't I? Half-monkey and a midget, but so beautiful everyone is attracted to her.

Quote :
My naval blues glared little flames
It could be worse - she could have managed to work 'orbs' in there somehow. Not much worse, though. Naval Blues.

Quote :
I looked up and saw a tall boy,
I'd say it's too common to even bother stating, your seeing someone taller than you are.

Quote :
Vision: I saw chaos, builds torn down, fires ECT.
After attacking your mother like that, perhaps ECT featuring in your future isn't exactly entirely unrealistic.

Quote :
‘is specter back or what!!?!?!’
Let's see...at the end of the first paragraph the Professor said Specter was back and you were attacked by a monkey at the start of the second chapter. I think he's back - what does everyone else think?

Quote :
‘MY MOTHER ISN’T DEAD THAT CAN’T BE!!!!’ I had the wrath of 10,000,000,000 men and women
"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"
...Sorry...

Quote :
THAT PYSCO BITCH!!!!
Referring to yourself, by any chance? Honestly, you make your mother look positively sane by comparison - not that that would be difficult, given that we never see her do anything particularly 'pysco'.

Quote :
He held my big black suitcase that was filled with all my stuff, ‘how can a little monkey lift something that’s probably 20,000Xs heavier than he is?'
How can you fit all your stuff in a single suitcase and have it be that heavy?
Wait, why do I even care about that?
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myeerah
Contributor
Contributor
myeerah

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 43

Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty
PostSubject: Re: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue EmptySat Jun 13, 2009 10:55 am

Quote :
My naval blues glared little flames

Naval blues. I get an image of a clinically depressed belly button shooting fire.
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anangrychocobo
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2009-06-13

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PostSubject: Re: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue EmptySat Jun 13, 2009 5:08 pm

... half monkey!?
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Rabid Badger
And This is Why I Need Medication
And This is Why I Need Medication
Rabid Badger

Join date : 2009-06-10

Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty
PostSubject: Re: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue EmptySat Jun 13, 2009 7:29 pm

I know nothing about the fandom, but this one paragraph just jumped out at me:

Quote :
I wanted to cry since I was little I’ve been called that, but instead I
took a letter opener and stabbed my mother and then knocked her out
with the vase which initially killed her.

How do you initially kill someone? She's either dead or she isn't; unless she somehow managed to come back to life. Which, given the way this story reads, is apparently possible, since it turns out she was only stunned (despite having been stabbed with a letter opener and brained with a vase).

Naval Blues sounds like a gay porn film about the travails of hunky young Navy cadets, BTW.
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Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
Reepicheep-chan

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 35
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty
PostSubject: Re: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue EmptySat Jun 13, 2009 8:16 pm

Hmmm, the half monkey Sue is making a come back since DBZ was popular.
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Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty
PostSubject: Re: Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue   Specter's lover - Ape Escape half-monkey Mary Sue Empty

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