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TheIan
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
TheIan

Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

Avatar fic yet to be titled >> Empty
PostSubject: Avatar fic yet to be titled >>   Avatar fic yet to be titled >> EmptyFri Jun 12, 2009 9:20 pm

This is a work in progress, on hold, thought I'd put it up to get some opinions/suggestions, whatever it takes to have this work.



Essentially, the story goes Azula escapes from prison, and starts killing party guests al a Michael Myers in the middle of a get-together to celebrate the year since the series ended.



Chapter 1: Reunion



Katara slept blissfully. She lay on the giant Sky Bison’s saddle, curled up and lost in dream. Dreams of old days, where she, her brother and Aang, now the Avatar, would escape from one problem and into another. She smiled in her sleep, unaware of the figure over her shaking her shoulder gently.



“Katara.”



Katara turned over on her side, not wanting to break away from her joyful slumber. A hand reached out again and shook her shoulder a little more firmly.



“Katara.”



She stirred once, and finally lay on her back, the vivid dreams of days past fading from her mind’s eye. Light poured into her vision, and found a boy standing over her, keeping her eyes shielded.



He was older, by a year, but handsome even though he was bald. He was well built, and fit his monk’s robes slightly better. Katara sat up, sighing gently.



“Aang,” she said still half asleep. “Are we there already?” She let forth a yawn to signify she was better sleeping at this moment.

“Almost,” he said. “We’ll reach landfall in about an hour, I’m guessing.” His voice was deeper now. She reflected on the time it cracked, and giggled to herself. That will be a story for the others to hear.



Katara fit her shirt over her bare chest, and fastened it, running her fingers through her longer hair. She stood in the saddle, and sat down straddling Appa’s neck. She wrapped her arms around Aang’s waist as he steered Appa towards the soon approaching Fire Nation capital. It rose over the horizon, spires made by hand of man and nature alike. Katara rest her head on Aang’s shoulder.

“How long has it been?” she asked. Aang contemplated for a moment.

“About a year,” he said. “I can’t wait to see how much everyone’s changed in that time.”



Appa soared over the bay, landing in a clearing with low buildings on every side and a grand pile of hay waiting for Appa’s ravenous consumption. Aang and Katara dismounted in the same way they always had out of habit, jumping down the bison’s side. A squad of guards stood at attention at the opening, the leader masked.

“Avatar,” the squad captain said, bowing and the rest of the guards followed suit. “We have been expecting you. Please, right this way.”



To say Aang recognized the city’s winding streets in the days he played with Kuzon would be difficult to identify at best. Indeed, several shops he remembered had been replaced with other buildings, but the layout certainly seemed the same. The streets were chock full of passersby catching glimpses of Aang, and cheering for him, thanking him for freeing them from the clutches of Sozin’s Madness as they had come to call it. Through the buildings of the city, Aang and Katara saw the palace in the center, and a palanquin sat waiting for them. Aang and Katara took their seats, and held onto each other as they were carried to the palace.



There was once a statue of Firelord Ozai standing tall and proud with his tarnished brass face looking towards the eastern horizon, an arm stretched outward and pointing. That statue was now gone.

“Things seem to sure have changed around here,” said Katara.

Aang nodded. “I just hope he’s willing to talk to me again,” he said slightly cross. He folded his arms and frowned.

“Aang,” said Katara, taking his hand into hers and holding it comfortingly. Her face had thinned in the year she spent with Aang traveling the world making peace agreements. But she was almost as muscular as Aang and she was a master Waterbender. The palanquin came to a stop, and Aang and Katara were helped out to the ground and were led inside. Along the red carpet, Katara and Aang walked, seeing as they passed recognizable faces on the wall on each side. At the end of the long corridor stood three guards facing one another as a figure strode down to meet Aang and Katara halfway. He was taller, his black hair slightly longer and his otherwise handsome face marred with a burn scar that covered his left eye and stretched to his ear. Aang and Firelord Zuko stopped just feet away from one another. Zuko scowled disappointedly at Aang and Aang narrowed his eyes at him.

“I know you cheated, Zuko,” said Aang finally. “Your Tiger tile was adjacent to my Dragon Tile and you switched it with my Dog tile!” Zuko shook his head.

“If I had done that, I could have beaten you with my Storm Tile easily,” said Zuko. Aang and Zuko stared at one another, silence hanging heavily in the air. They took steps toward one another, and embraced like brothers, laughing. Breaking from the hug, Zuko and Aang looked at each other.

“It’s so good to see you, Aang,” said Zuko finally. “I can’t thank you enough for coming. It means so much for me that you’re here.”

“The same could go for you as well, Zuko,” said Aang. “I wouldn’t miss a party like this unless there was a very big emergency.” Zuko turned his glance to Katara, and smiled brightly.

“You’re looking beautiful as ever,” he said. From behind, Mai rest her chin on Zuko’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around his. Zuko took the second to look at Mai and kiss her gently on the lips. Katara was happy for them. Mai was less gaunt, her face a few shades darker and her hair slightly shorter.

“So Zuko, who else has arrived?” asked Aang finally, after giving Zuko and Mai their moment of bliss.

“Hong, please show the Avatar and Master Katara to the guestroom, would you?” asked Zuko. Hong, the guard escorted Aang and Katara through the labyrinthine halls of the palace. He stopped at a door, turned its handle and pushed it open.



“Katara!”



It was a voice Aang and Katara recognized immediately. Drawing the water from its skin, Katara splashed Sokka in the face with enough force to knock him off balance.



Getting up from her seat, Suki rounded to face the three. Sokka and Suki wore festive garments colored in warm shades of blue and green, to signify the Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom respectively. For one to look around the lavish guestroom, they’d spot Sokka’s sword sheathed and leaning against the wall nearby. Sokka jumped to his feet once more stared his sister down.

“What was that for?!” he exclaimed, unaware of the reason for his treatment.

“Come on, Sokka, you left without saying good-bye just to be with Suki? You could have at least left a note!” said Katara angrily. “Gran-Gran can’t make it on her own and you were supposed to help dad with her.”

“Dad said he was fine with taking care of Gran-Gran by himself and Gran-Pakku,” said Sokka.

“You left without letting me know,” said Katara. She wrapped her arms around her brother’s torso. “After the uprising, I was afraid you’d go off to fight and get killed.” Sokka pried Katara away, to look at her.

“It was something I felt I had to do,” said Sokka. “You’re my sister, Katara. Just because I didn’t tell you doesn’t mean I abandoned you on purpose.”



At this point, Aang had moved to Suki’s side.

“How’s Kyoshi Island doing?” asked Aang. “Is that school you and Sokka started getting any students?” Suki nodded.

“We have a good twenty when it first opened,” said Suki. “Sokka’s in charge of the swordplay, and I’m teaching a class the Kyoshi fighting style.”

“Sounds like you’re going to have your hands full, then.”



Following these moments, Aang turned at the sound of yet another familiar voice.

“Is that you Aang?”

He was hunched over, looking older and more fragile as if his old age was finally catching up to him. He wore royal greens and yellows and his old hands were bare of the rings he once wore. His eyes were clouded over in cataracts and his white hair was several shades whiter. In hand, he hobbled in on a cane. Beside Bumi came in Toph. The year was better to her than it was for Bumi, as she had clearly developed more muscles and, if you’ll forgive my use of the cliché, curves growing into all the right places. She looked rugged with her black hair done short, yet her trademark bangs remained in place over her cloudy grey eyes. Her shoes had relatively thin soles so she could still Earth-bend whilst protecting her feet.

“I thought I sensed you, Twinkle Toes.”

Her voice was significantly deeper, Aang realized, and all the same was glad to see his old friends once more. “It’s good to see you, Toph,” said Aang.
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Reepicheep-chan
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Reepicheep-chan

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 35
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

Avatar fic yet to be titled >> Empty
PostSubject: Re: Avatar fic yet to be titled >>   Avatar fic yet to be titled >> EmptyThu Jun 18, 2009 11:43 pm

TheIan wrote:
She reflected on the time it cracked, and giggled to herself. That will be a story for the others to hear.
This bit seems really awkward to me. I hate it when people have these stray thoughts that are supposed to catch the reader up on who the characters are or how things have changed or whatever and it causes them to giggle to themselves and crap like that. You get the feeling that Katara just randomly titters about any given thing for months after it happens. If a character is going to have a quiet giggle about some thought they have, it needs to be prompted better by the action. Not, 'omg, Aang said a thing his voice is deep now it used to crack HAHAHAHAHAHA.' Plus, the whole line just seems out of place. OH GOD THAT TIME AANG'S VOICE CRACKED. MEMORIES. If his voice cracking is such an epic tale she feels the need to relate it later, you could at least hint as to what makes it story worthy, considering voice crackage is something all guys go through. Plus, did his voice really only crack once?

Quote :
“How long has it been?” she asked. Aang contemplated for a moment.

“About a year,” he said. “I can’t wait to see how much everyone’s changed in that time.”
You already told us Aang was a year older, why tell us again? If you are going to tell us a year is past here, take out the bit where you mention Aang is older. That bit is akward anyway. A year older than when? The narrator does not lay down anything to compair his age with. This part gives us a better ruler, as long as we assume Katara means "How long has it been since we were all together," and then make the logical leap that a year ago was when they fought Ozai. Or you could add some more details to clarify.

Also "I can’t wait to see how much everyone’s changed in that time" is a pretty unatural thing for Aang to say, I think, even a slightly older Aang. Maybe just "I can't wait to see how much everyone's changed!" or

Quote :
“Things seem to sure have changed around here,” said Katara.

People do not usually talk this way.

Quote :
Aang nodded. “I just hope he’s willing to talk to me again,”

You should probably tell us who "he" is. Why does Aang not call Zuko by name here? Hell, if he is irritated he could call him 'Prince' Zuko.

Quote :
“Aang,” said Katara, taking his hand into hers and holding it comfortingly. Her face had thinned in the year she spent with Aang traveling the world making peace agreements. But she was almost as muscular as Aang and she was a master Waterbender.

"And she was a master Waterbender," sounds totes out of place here. You need to reword that somehow.

Quote :
Katara was happy for them. Mai was less gaunt, her face a few shades darker and her hair slightly shorter.

This could definitely be worded better. You are describing the changes in appearance of these characters, but not in a way that flows naturally. You are coming close with this one, but maybe you could try, "Mai looked healthier than she had a year ago. She was less gaunt and her face wasn't as deathly pale. She kept the coolness in her expression, but she couldn't hide the faint glow on her cheeks." Something a little like that. If the hair change is not major I do not think you need to mention it, frankly.

Quote :
“So Zuko, who else has arrived?” asked Aang finally,

This also does not sound like how Aang talks.

Quote :
The year was better to her than it was for Bumi, as she had clearly developed more muscles and, if you’ll forgive my use of the cliché, curves growing into all the right places.

Talking 1st person here is really awkward, I would change this line completely.

Overall not really bad or anything, but kind of stilted.
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TheIan
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
TheIan

Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

Avatar fic yet to be titled >> Empty
PostSubject: Re: Avatar fic yet to be titled >>   Avatar fic yet to be titled >> EmptyFri Jun 19, 2009 5:56 am

Those are the only things that need to be changed?
[blinkblink] Huh, good to know.

Thanks Reepcheep-chan! Now I know!
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