Hamlet and the Pirates.

Changed, an insultingly dull Hamlet fanfiction

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Hamlet returned from the pirates a different person. He was more decisive, and stronger, physically at least.

Wait wait wait wait woah... wait... woah. You took the single worst plot device in the entire play... one that Shakespeare just kind of threw in there and obviously barely thought through...

(For those not in the know – Hamlet is sent off to school in England but SUDDENLY! PIRATES! That's right – on the way, pirates attack their ship and for some reason take Hamlet in and he becomes a part of their crew and then they all go happily back to Denmark. I am not joking. This doesn't take place on stage. Hell, this is literally two or three sentences in a letter. It's just that fucking ridiculous. Oh Shakespeare, you madman.)

you took that plot device... and you based an entire fanfiction around it. Right. Got it.

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He returned with very different clothes, creamy white and loose instead of black and tight. He wore a sea coat with broad cuffs, and wore it well. His boots were the same, but that was all Horatio could recognize. His hair was longer and more disordered; he laughed more easily. He seemed... warmer. Somehow. Like the layer of ice inside him had melted.

You fucking prep.

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"Horo!" The scholar smiled at the nickname.

...

...

... Horo?

...

... You'd best be trollin', mate.

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Hamlet told him eagerly about his adventures on the high seas, how the pirates had taken a liking to him because he had so bravely swung aboard. He spoke at length about the rings he had acquired, how one had come from the captain of a ship they had raided and another from treasure already on board and another he had won in a bet.

When I think 'Hamlet', I think 'Adventure on the high seas'. Yup.

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Hamlet dug his hands into the loose dirt as he spoke to the Gravedigger, relishing in the coolness of the earth.

I LIKE TO SHOVE MY HANDS INTO THE GROUND WHERE I KNOW A BUNCH OF DECAYING CORPSES ARE TOO.

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Turning his back to the gravedigger, the prince crushed the skull and crumbled the pieces.

So how much time do you think Hamlet spend working out with one of these? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Or maybe Hamlet is just Godzilla. I don't know.
 

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The scene in the graveyard was a violent one, and Hamlet returned to Elsinore in a state of disgrace nearly worse than the one he'd left in. Accosting a mourner in a grave was horrific, and rumors of it flitted about the castle.

Well that was an unexpected shift with absolutely no announcement that the scene was changing. Thanks, author. Your talent astounds the mind.

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"I quite missed you, Horo." The prince said quietly as he wiped the last remnants of soap from his face. "I'm glad you stayed."

... yes... soap. Totally.

What? It is a slash fanfiction.

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"How could you know that I would be back?" Horatio shrugged his shoulders. He couldn't have known. Clearly, Claudius had meant for Hamlet to be in England for a long time. 

"I suppose m'lord..." Horatio paused briefly, "Eventually, I would have gone to England after you." Hamlet smiled. "But I felt that I was more needed here immediately after your departure." 

Are they even talking to each other at this point? They seem to be carrying on entirely separate conversations.

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"What does that even mean? They don't even know me. And how could they? With me locked up in this prison of a castle... this gilded cage. My whole life has been a golden prison... and there's no escape from it, I see that now."

I want to write all symbolic-callic-ey like Shakespeare so I'm going to use the first metaphor that comes to mind. Who cares that it's been used so much that the marrow has been sucked out of its bones?

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His own eyes were terribly dark, deep blue and desperate.

This is the second time in a thousand words that you've mentioned Hamlet's eyes. Shut up about Hamlet's eyes.

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Horatio didn't know what to say. This Hamlet was different. So different Horatio didn't even know how to begin to talk to him.

Being kidnapped by vicious pirates who probably beat you would do that to a person.

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"Horo," he said softly. "I'm sorry for all that. All those wild emotions. There's no need for that." He was so calm. Resigned. It was chilling. "That's not who I am any more, is it?"

What the fuck are you talking about? No, seriously.

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"I don't want to destroy you," he said against Horatio's mouth. He smelled like exotic fruit and stale cigarette smoke. "You mean too much to me. Much more than Ophelia." He pulled away just slightly, but their fingers remained entangled. "I loved her, in a way. But not like she loved me. And not like..." His words trailed off as he stared at Horatio for a long, tense minute. Their hands were still touching. Then Hamlet pushed him away and their fingers slid apart. Frowning hard, Hamlet let out a sigh. "Never mind it."

Hmm... you've got your mouth against mine and we're holding hands. WHAT ON EARTH COULD THAT MEAN?

No, really, Horatio does not get the hint.

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Abruptly, in one quick, graceful motion, he leapt up, feet landing against cold stone and a few flakes of passing snow.

Wait I thought they were in Hamlet's room. Where the fuck are they? Snow?

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they were met with the slight and aggravating Osric, who followed them to the kitchens and ruined Hamlet's appetite.

Here's the second incredibly minor thing from Hamlet mentioned in this fanfiction. The first was the pirates, the second is Osric, who appears in one short scene where Hamlet makes fun of his hat.

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From there, everything turned downhill again.

Because this wasn't melodramatic at all.

You know how much effect the pirate's kidnapping Hamlet had on the story? I'd completely forgotten about it till you mentioned it.

Also, I couldn't figure out who he was talking to when he kept saying 'Horo.' All I could figure was that the pirates had been Japanese.

Also, he and Horatio aren't actually having a conversation, they're talking AT each other. They might as well be shouting from different rooms. I think I developed whiplash trying to follow the conversation.