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 Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS)

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szaleniec
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szaleniec

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 36
Location : Europe

Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS)   Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS) EmptyFri Jun 12, 2009 3:21 pm

This is a repost from the House, but I'm consolidating both instalments of this badfic into a single thread. I might have to do two posts.

First up, we have Phantom Dreams.

Quote :
Instead of telling me to fix it. why don't you fix it. send it to me and I'll repost it.
The bastard offspring of "let's see you do better" and the kind of interactive fic banned by the pit of voles. I don't see it catching on. At least I hope not.

Quote :
If you have an account and no storied but you can talk down to me... fuck you. My life isn't the best and I don't need you putting me down for something I'm working on. I'm not saying I have it really bad but it's bad enough. If you can complain about my writing then write your own.
And here we have good old original flavour "let's see you do better". I love the high and mighty ones.

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At Balamb Garden the first year after the sorceress's rule. An Ex-student Ex-knight of the sorceress was in headmistress Quistis's office. the rest of the team teachers. a few still mission heads. and The Famed hero Squall in his own office just beside Quistis's working on papers.
And the writer's grammar nowhere to be seen. Anyone see Squall as a penpusher? Thought not.

Quote :
Seifer was sitting in the chair, Unshaven, Hair grown, and slightly older clothes. He had come back. Though his bright green eyes were duller then they used to be. Even duller then when he was being controlled by the sorceress.
Seifer the bum. Clearly the writer hasn't actually seen the ending of the game, in which Seifer is depicted as finally at peace with himself, enjoying a nice afternoon fishing with his friends. That's no good for wangst, of course.

We'll see that this isn't the worst of the liberties the writer takes with canon.

Quote :
Seifer was kind of shocked to see Selphie filled out. She had breasts albeit small, but still she'd never had them a year ago. She also had nice hips which was probably why she couldn't wear that ghastly dress. "You grew up." he said gruffly. Sort of surprised he was commenting at all, himself.
Selphie had changed over the summer. Wait, wasn't she 17 in the game? One of the perils of abrupt POV shifts is that I initially thought it was Squall ogling her. Which if anything would have been even worse.

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Seifer really hadn't expected the warmth is Selphies voice or the true happiness in her voice.
Because Selphie being incredibly bright and cheerful is so unexpected.

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It sort of shook him. "I wasn't just noticing her changes. you on the other hand still need to take the pen outta your ass."
Please God let that not be a euphemism.

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He grumbles walking out. Next to Squasll he looked like a giant caveman. Tall, large, dark and light haired.
Seifer the caveman. Who's dark and light-haired at the same time. And get your tense shifts at no extra cost!

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He didn't look like Seifer Almasy.
You're telling me.

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Squall swallowed hard,dammit...just when I was ready to write him off as dead...he shows up in my office.
I think he already knows at the end of the game that Seifer is alive, but I'm only going by canon so what do I know?

Quote :
Seifer sighs softly. Reaching up with a small smile before frowning. Touching the metal unable to smile know. oiled and still sharp. Hif fingers tremble lightly as he moves his hand to the hilt. An inch away he loses focus and pulls away walking back a foot or so holding his arms tightly. "Close it... Put her away." He says his tone flat. Emtpy. His eyes closed, his entire body was shaking. His face held nothing of what he felt. Just emptyness and despondence.
I have no words.

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Seifer walks in brushing a tear from his face. Looking around. "this... is an incredable room."
Seifer takes a break from his wangst to admire the décor.

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Squall stopped,half way in undoing his last boot,balancing on one foot,studying the man before pulling of his shoes,heading for his bedroom."Anything you find in the cupboards you can have,and I have cable if you want to watch something.I'm getting a shower."
"Sorry I don't have any MCR CDs."

Quote :
Seifer crawled in and then turned to face Squall's back. "I... I'm really sorry Squall. for everything."
I'm sorry for getting influenced by an evil sorceress and trying to kill you. These things just happen, you know?

So chapter 1 manages to end without any of the threatened promised Hot Yaoi Action™️, but there's more.

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Squall whined a little
A perfectly understandable response to being stuck in this fic. The ensuing sequence probably violates the Uber-Pit's TOS by having two male characters sharing a bedroom without shagging.

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Zell looked up at his friends,namely selphie irvine and quistis, most morning the group of 5 sharing breakfast before heading off to their respectable jobs."Has anyone seen squall this morning?"
"No, he's out hunting for the missing grammar."

Actually, the grammar isn't all that's missing from this fic. The more astute among you will already have noticed, and the character roll call makes it even more obvious. Wasn't there another character in FFVIII?

A quick text search confirmed my suspicion. Rinoa hasn't died for the ship (a depressingly common fate for her) so much as vanished without a trace for the ship.

Quote :
Selphie giggles. "Yeah he sure is! Oh but you guys aren't allowed to tlak to him. Or I'll beat you with my Nunchaku!" Selphie says determindly. Knowing how badly poor ickle Seif still looked and or felt.
I feel safe in saying that's OOC even for Selphie.

The story prattles on for a further three chapters in which nothing much happens at all. Certainly none of the laundry list of activities in the content field, which is why this is an Uber-Pit fic not marked NWS. It's in progress, but I'm not optimistic. It is the real problem with continuation fics, that it can be hard to know where to take things with the main conflict of the story resolved. Some people do a good job of it. Others, as we've seen here, don't.

Phantom Knight seems to follow straight on from the original, and we open with a message brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department:

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Yaoi Warning!
Because there's no way readers would be expecting yaoi in a fic in the Uber-Pit's yaoi section.

The opening brings you everything you'd expect from the author of Phantom Dreams.

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Squall bit his lip,holding back the moan that wanted to escape as he shivered under seifer's fingers,turning a little,pressing a gentle kiss to his lips,a hesitant unsure kiss,but a first stumbling step.

Seifer kisses back just as gently. He made a soft happy moan in the back of his throat. He continues to move his hand lightly up and down Squall's abdomen and chest. His leg moving just a little snuggling between Squall's legs his hip over Squall's.
Yep. Tense shifts. Not quite so bad grammar but still questionable. This is the Phantom Dreams sequel all right.
I'm not entirely surprised that she descends into IKEA Erotica with the sex scene. I'd have been extremely surprised otherwise, to be honest.

Quote :
Seifer says walking into the bathroom rooting around find the first aid kit and pullign out the portolium jelly.
Okay, a sensible (albeit misspelled) choice of lube and a writer who doesn't think that lube is an actual act. I'll give her this.

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,"seifer.Come on.Let me go."He growled,,wanting to feel golden tan skin under his hands
Golden tan skin? Really?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Seifer laughs. he traces his hands down. before one hand envelopes Squall's arousel.
Quote :
arouse v. (arouses, arousing, aroused)
1 bring about (a feeling or response) in someone. 2 excite sexually. 3 awaken from sleep.
DERIVATIVES arousal n.
(Paperback Oxford English Dictionary)
Yeah, I don't think arousal is something you can hold in your hand. Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS) 611762

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Seifer breaks the kiss and moves down biting Squall's neck where it joined the shoulder. Still pushing his fingre inside slowly.
The structure of these sentences makes it look as though Seifer is pushing his "fingre" (Les Cadbury's Fingres?) inside Squall's neck. Shades of the Murder of Image collarbone sex? Also, epic tense fail.

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For a moment,as blond hair tickled his cheek,he had the insight that this was seifer,his rival,his lifetime bane of his existance.But at the moment he didn't care-as long as the man didn't stop what he was doing.
Here we see canon making a valiant but ultimately doomed attempt to assert itself.

Quote :
Reviews are nice! But not one's where you yell at me for bad grammer on an unfinished story. I'll have to sick Knives on you. And let me tell you Inuyasha and Sesshomaru won't be to pleased either. and jeez Kaiba! *eye roll* anyways!
Anime characters on a crusade against literacy!

Chapter 2:
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"Did you have sex?" Selphie asks curiously. No way she was thinking. Really who'd he have it with?
Oh, I don't fucking know. How about I go out on a bit of a limb:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Who really doesn't seem to exist in the writer's universe. Canon? What's that?

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"That makes perfect sense!" Selphie squeels.
No, Selphie, it really doesn't.

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"Yeah well this goes no further right? cause if SQuall finds out... I'm really seriously dead." Irvine says completely serious.

Quistis laughed a little."dead?Nah.He'll just leave you in the middle of dessert for a month or so."
Squall dumps people who annoy him into a vat of ice cream.

Nothing much in chapter 3, and deja vu in chapter 4, entitled:
Quote :
Never Enough
How wrong you are.

Quote :
"Alright then, let me prepare." Seifer says pulling away pulling his fingers out as well. Before starting to generously apply the vasaline to his own hard and aching member.
Evidently Unilever exports its products to Balamb. Who knew?

What follows is what the How Not To Write A Novel people would describe as the Second Buggery in the Laundromat, as it doesn't seem to establish anything plot-related that we didn't see in chapter 1. We already knew that Squall and Seifer were shagging. Chapter 5 sees the shit hit the fan with something of a dull surprise:
Quote :
okay Squall's been having sex with Seifer.
said Quistis in the most matter-of-fact way.

I leave you with Squall's own opinion of this fic:
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Phantom Badfic: Wangsty!OOC!Seifer shags OOC!Squall for no good reason (NWS)
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