SONICHU ISSUE 1: THE SWELLING
Zeiss: Alright, now - I know a fair bit about CWC himself, but not too much about the comics. I'm basically going into this one blind.
Mafi: Prepare to be horrified.
Zeiss: Oh, I've prepared myself.
Zeiss: By God.
Mafi: Let's count how many copyrights are being infringed upon.
Zeiss: Probably about 11 80's hair band logos in the title font alone.
Mafi: TRICK QUESTION: NONE, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS COPYRIGHTED TO CHRIS LOLOLOL
Zeiss: DAMN THAT CHRIS AND HIS MEDIA EMPIRE
Mafi: There's a lot of SCIENCE! in this issue. Are you prepared?
Mafi: LET'S TURN THE PAGE.
Zeiss: *Puts on SCIENCE! hat*
Page 1 and 2
Mafi: "Or otherwise parodic"
Zeiss: I cannot help
but hear everything Chris writes as Strong Sad.
Zeiss: Perhaps there is a CWC-Melissa connection?
Mafi: Well, can't unhear damn it.
Mafi: I DIDN'T MAKE THIS COMIC FOR THE LIKES OF YOU.
Zeiss: Well, that's a lot of trouble to go through then, what with copyrighting everything and such.
Mafi: This issue was brought to you by an accidental dose of CHERRY COLA
Zeiss: I wish someone had spilled an accidental dose of Cherry Cola on the page.
Mafi: Also, what are we looking at in that first picture? An anus?
Zeiss: More like a probiscis of some sort.
Zeiss: ...Has CWC snuck in the German flag?
Mafi: This proves it. Chris-chan is a Nazi.
Mafi: Somehow I always knew.
Zeiss: Alas, the old handbuzzer gag.
Mafi: Oh hey, and look it's the return of Chris' evil twin and some generic anime villains.
Mafi: HEH HEH
Mafi: I'm bored of this, let's turn the page.
Page 3 and 4
Zeiss: What the hell is on Naitsarrahhkhlhjret's head? It looks like a red Haunter putting its fists up.
Mafi: Bill is a hero to us all.
Zeiss: Where did the omelot come from? What is going on?
Mafi: Bill has single handedly discovered a link between hair color, DNA and flavored carbonated syrup.
Zeiss: He's also throwing a DNA sample into a large, mechanical snail.
Mafi: Well, that totally destroys my willing suspension of disbelief.
Zeiss: "Maybe it's the liquid, but Sonichu looks Black to me!"
Mafi: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS.
Zeiss: Oh man, please tell me Black Sonichu speaks in vintage Jive Turkey.
Mafi: No, but he does offer some good ol' fashioned RACIAL TENSION!
Zeiss: In the "Hmmm..." panel, he's morphed into Pippi Longstocking.
Zeiss: "You are a Sonichu!
You are a child's plaything!
Mafi: Ready to turn the page?
Page 5 and 6
Zeiss: Y'know, Naitzoqoatl, I think it's just you.
Mafi: "Drain the fluid and raise the tube" sounds like a terrible euphemism
Zeiss: Those faces...it's like the "Land Of Confusion" video.
Mafi: Don't be fooled: His brain waves are literally racing. It's like fucking NASCAR in there.
Zeiss: Knowing CWC, it's probably more like Mario Kart.
Mafi: There are some serious contenders against Zapdos.jpg on this page.
Zeiss: I can't look at Robotnik without laughing now.
Zeiss: I'm imagining him yapping like a little Terrier.
Mafi: Nasahasapimapetalan is really hung up on that Sonichu's skin color.
Zeiss: Giovanni: "LADIES?"
Mafi: EBONY AND IVORY, ZAP TOGETHER TO THE EXTREEEEMEEE
Zeiss: (DO NOT CROSS HIM)
Zeiss: (DO NOT COLLECT $200 CWCBUCKS)
Mafi: ...DID HE SERIOUSLY JUST TELL THE BLACK CHARACTER TO CALL HIM MASTER.
Zeiss: To be fair, Blacherrycolachu looks just as confused as he ought to be.
Mafi: ZEISS, PLEASE ACCEPT THESE ROCKET BOOSTERS AS YOUR FIRST SNARKING PRESENT
Zeiss: Robotnik: PAGE NUMBER OM NOM NOM
Mafi: NEXT PAGE
Page 7 and 8
Zeiss: NOW, BLACK SONICHU, YOU MUST SLAY THE GORGON
Mafi: Those aren't rocket boosters, those are t-bone steaks with jetpacks attached.
Zeiss: Dammit Robotnik, stop making me laugh.
Mafi: Robotnik and Bill are the best characters. I bet Bill invented the steak boosters.
Zeiss: I'll bet Bill also found the handy Sonichu printouts.
Mafi: They're very lax about the whole "contamination in a lab" thing.
Zeiss: So did CWC just give up on backgrounds altogether? 'Cause Giovanni's neck's gone missing.
Zeiss: And his forearms have merged into one claw hand.
Mafi: More like his arms are making a break for it
Zeiss: "I WILL BRAKE YOU ARMS"
Zeiss: Oh God, he is
Mafi: They are long lost brothers cloned by Bill.
Mafi: Anytime something nonsensical happens, we can blame it on Bill.
Mafi: Next page?
Page 9 and 10
Zeiss: Murat can make rocks explode, but Blachu can make walls bleed.
Mafi: *cue Rocky theme*
Mafi: I mistook the spin-dash test for a rock going the way of Giovanni's arms.
Zeiss: It took me about a minute to figure out what the hell is going on in the "speed test".
Zeiss: Robotnik just keeps on giving.
Mafi: Oh Robotnik, we would be dead without you.
Mafi: Like, literally hemorrhaging in my brain.
Zeiss: He's starting to remind me of Noseybonk.
Mafi: Blachu's looking kinda hydrocephilac.
Zeiss: Sonichu's looking kinda squished.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE
Page 11 and 12
Mafi: Nope, I was right. Hydrocephalic. And it's getting worse.
Zeiss: FEATURING ARTWORK PAINSTAKINGLY TRACED FROM DEVIANTART
Mafi: Goddammit, I already saw this ad last time.
Zeiss: "Advance"...I thought that 'v' was caron, and that maybe there's a Czech version of this floating around.
Mafi: Chris is so lazy and unoriginal he can't even come up with more fake ads for his crappy sonichu merchandise.
Zeiss: Or a title for that other game.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE
Page 13 and 14
Mafi: Pallet Town is a single house.
Mafi: Which is smaller than Sonic's house.
Zeiss: Professor Oak gets very lonely sometimes, with nothing but the starters to keep him company...
Mafi: Oh please tell me the Zapdos returns in this comic.
Zeiss: Sonichu and Rosechu have apparently devolved into a crowd of CH4 atoms.
Zeiss: ROBOTNIK RIDING ZAPDOS
Mafi: OH GOD THE LAUGHTER WON'T STOP.
Zeiss: THE REACTION FACE TO END ALL REACTION FACES
Zeiss: "I roll d20 and summon Zapdos!"
Zeiss: KISSES MAKE SONICHU'S HEAD MONSTROUSLY INFLATE
Mafi: The hydrocephalus is spreading!
Mafi: Really, this whole comic is an excuse to use that word over and over again.
Zeiss: Next Page?
Page 15 and 16
Mafi: Oh god, the look on Sonichu's face.
Zeiss: "I am gettin' laid
Zeiss: Looks like Sonichu's body has caught up to his hydrocelaphy.
Zeiss: Either that or Rosechu has wilted.
Mafi: And then Sonic's arms were noodles.
Zeiss: The blue one is CWCchu, right? But Sonichu is also a self-insert...
Mafi: Zeiss, my heartsweet/sweetbolt, stop trying to inject login into the mouth of madness.
Zeiss: I should really know better. I'm pretty sure CWC has invented a new breed of Dadaism.
Mafi: Next page
Page 17 and 18
Mafi: Oh my god, Zeiss.
Zeiss: FEELS GOOD CHU
Mafi: Out of context moaning-chu
Zeiss: They've just realized, neither of them have boyfriends...
Zeiss: Meanwhile, Rosechu is deflating by the second.
Zeiss: OH NO, NOW HE'S GOING TO DO *BLACK* THINGS TO HER
Mafi: She's powered by Sonichu lust, which has now been transfered to this handsome new blue hedgehog.
Mafi: Getting dangerously Harley here
Zeiss: This thing was dangerously Harley to begin with. At least no one's drinking each other's blood yet.
Mafi: Turn the page?
Zeiss: Here I go...
Page 19 and 20
Mafi: Okay remember when I told you to lay off the logic? I take it back, explain that first panel to me.
Mafi: Read the 5th panel to the tune of "We're off to see the wizard"
Zeiss: The Black Sonichus aren't immune to hydrocephaly either!
Zeiss: Must be a hedgehog thing.
Mafi: No, Chris-chan suffers from a swelled head too.
Zeiss: I am now reading Rosechu as Rocko from Rocko's Modern Life
Zeiss: ANSWER ME CHRIS-CHAN: THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST...
Mafi: Wait, if Sonichu is the meshed combination of Sonic and Pikachu...then...who is this fake Sonic?
Zeiss: Do we ever find out what the hell that plesiosaur volcano thing is?
Mafi: Nope, that's one of life's little mysteries.
Zeiss: Oh man, that Sonichu by its mouth...
Zeiss: Textbook illustration of HERPADERP right there.
Mafi: PAGE TURN
Page 21 and 22
Zeiss: "Let's find Rosechu with our GIANT ACTION HANDS"
Mafi: ZEISS, LOOK QUICK IT'S THE ONLY THING NOT COPYRIGHTED BY CHRIS-CHAN: THE AUTISM RIBBON
Zeiss: AS FLEETING AS A ZEPHYR IN THE WIND
Mafi: Speaking of herpaderp check out the Sonichu on that trading card
Zeiss: I like the giant disembodied Sonichu head. It looks like a hat.
Mafi: More like DRR...DRR...DRR...
Mafi: Chris-chan used Heart Fix!
Mafi: It's not very effective...
Zeiss: Moe Howard IS Christian Chandler IN The 40-Year Old Virgin WITH RAGE!
Mafi: SONICHU YOU CHOWDAHHEAD
Zeiss: YES VAUDEVILLE ROBOTNIK
Zeiss: THIS WAS WORTH THE WAIT
Mafi: "THAT IS SO LAME"
Zeiss: SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRIS
Zeiss: YOU PHILISTINE
Mafi: Shut your fucking mouth Chris, jesus
Zeiss: Shut your fucking virgin hole.
Zeiss: I wonder which Nicktoon he stole the song from...
Zeiss: "I idol Sonic!" AND IT SHOWS
Zeiss: Why is Chris wearing Moon Boots now?
Mafi: Because Blachu's wearing the steak shoes.
Zeiss: I seriously thought that it read "GOMBAT" for a second there.
Mafi: Next page?
Page 25 and 26
Mafi: Oh no, Sonic caught the head swelling.
caught the head swelling. It's transmitted via derpness.
Mafi: "This is the face of my nemesis Dr. Eggman"
Zeiss: NOW YOU CAN TAKE ROBOTNIK WITH YOU AND LOL WHEREVER YOU GO
Mafi: Oh my god, what's happening on page 25.
Zeiss: "I know the Eggman, I am the Sonic!"
Zeiss: ...Aaaaand we wander straight into Instrumentality.
Zeiss: "Black Sonichu!" "No, Kunta - Kunta Kinte!"
Mafi: Look at those tiny hands goddamn
Mafi: Next page?
Zeiss: SONIC SLAP, SONIC SLAP, SONIC SLAAAAAAAP
Mafi: Robotnik is getting increasingly jolly.
Zeiss: I'm starting to think he's one of the Boos from Super Mario World.
Mafi: Or Santa.
Zeiss: *MACH PUNCH* is my new favorite panel, btw.
Zeiss: Slapping someone who is standing still right in front of you = SNEAK ATTACK
Mafi: HE'S A GODDAMN NINJA
Zeiss: 'CAUSE HE'S *black*
Mafi: Anger=lightning bolts
Zeiss: Page 27: That arm's lookin' pretty good...coming out of the back of his neck there...
Mafi: Robotniks or Sonichus?
Mafi: ...Or both?
Zeiss: Robotniks and Sonichus and virgins, oh my.
Mafi: Next page?
Mafi: More robotnik gold begging to become smilies
Zeiss: Robotnik's arms are just floating. Is he actually Rayman?
Mafi: I'm afraid for Sonic's arm that is withering away into nothing
Zeiss: And what the hell is in the first panel? It looks like CWCchu is punching a horse with his boner.
Mafi: There's a mental image I could have done without.
Zeiss: PAGE 28: IN WHICH CWC PAYS TRIBUTE TO A PROUD ANIMATION TRADITION
Mafi: Metal sonichu has a giant vagina in he center of his chest.
Zeiss: *Thunder Bullet!*, or *Thunder Ballet*?
Zeiss: ...oh crap, he does.
Zeiss: QUICK CWC MAKE YOUR MOVE
Mafi: METAL SONICHU/CHRIS OTP
Zeiss: Wait, why is he rapping with a Schnauzer?
Mafi: Because it's PARTY TIME
Zeiss: YOU'LL BE BUSTIN' THE CHUS AND I'LL BE BUSTIN' THE RHYMES
Zeiss: I really, really, wish the guys who made that movie would make a Sonichu adaptation.
Mafi: Oh my god. Oh my god. That must happen.
Zeiss: That would seriously make my decade.
Mafi: I'm going to make myself cancerous and ask the Make-A-Wish foundation to make it happen
Zeiss: NO, MAKE IT AN ANTHOLOGY FILM
Zeiss: SEVENTEEN ESTEEMED STUDIOS PRESENT THEIR VISION OF SONICHU
Mafi: STARRING ROBOTNIK AS PLAYED BY ROBERT DENIRO
Zeiss: COLEMAN FRANCIS SONICHU Y/N
Zeiss: "Nothing bothers some people. Not even flying hedgehogs."
Mafi: Next page?
Mafi: Oh god tiny sonichu in a snowglobe
Zeiss: SONICHU, YOU MUST SLAY THE ROBOT BY GENERATING AN ANUS
Mafi: SO MANY VAGINAS
Mafi: SO LITTLE TIME
Zeiss: His final attack looks like a party whistle.
Zeiss: "FIRE!" *WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Mafi: Sonic just jumped into his vagina.
Zeiss: That sentence pretty much sums up CWC right there.
Zeiss: Next page?
Zeiss: Yay, let's consult the flow chart!
Mafi: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON
Zeiss: THESE TWO PAGES
Zeiss: DONCHA KNOW YOU GOTTA SHOCK THE ROSECHU
Zeiss: HEY HEY
Zeiss: SHOCK THE ROSECHU TONIGHT
Mafi: Today's moral: Never mess with true pokelove.
Zeiss: AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED
Mafi: In b4 Zeiss slaps my "teeff" out
Mafi: "THIS IS FOR MAKING ME READ THIS"
Zeiss: By pulling an ear of corn out of your hair, apparently.
Mafi: The moon looks like evil Mikey Mouse
Zeiss: I'm pretty sure your teeth were already rotten from the Cherry Cola anyway.
Mafi: Leave it to Bill!
Mafi: Next page?
Zeiss: Oh yes.
Zeiss: SONIC SONIC SONIC
Mafi: I'm seeing double! 4 Rosechus!
Mafi: MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED
Mafi: SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING
Zeiss: Rosechu replicated? Hedgehog hijinks? Find out on the next Sonichu!
Zeiss: Did CWC really draw himself with multicolored eyes?
Mafi: He has it in real life too thanks to a nasty pink eye infection.
Mafi: I'm really sad that I know that.
Zeiss: Yikes. If only I knew he was as much of a Sue in real life...
Mafi: OH-HO A GEICO JOKE VERY DROLL SIR
Zeiss: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT IS
Zeiss: WHAT IS GOING ON
Mafi: These two pages will begin Cyberwulf's slow decent into becoming a being of pure rage
Mafi: It only goes downhill
Zeiss: Oooh, I'm champing at the bit.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE.
Mafi: oh god what
Zeiss: CHRISTIAN & THE HEDGEHOG BOYS / VIRGINS AND TEARS AND TOYS
Zeiss: CHRISTIAN & THE HEDGEHOG BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS
Mafi: Why is Felix rocking out on the drums
Mafi: And by rocking out I mean staring at me with his cold dead eyes
Zeiss: 'Cause he's horribly, horribly lost.
Zeiss: "SURELY YOU CAN EASE MY PAIN, NUGGETS"
Mafi: Oh good a comic about Chris' pathetic life because I totally care
Zeiss: Does Mary Lee Walsh show up in this one?
Mafi: Imagine Chris-chan trying to eat those eight chicken nuggets...seductively...
Mafi: No, unfortunately. No Jerkops, either.
Zeiss: Sorry, I can't hear you over MY BALLS SHRIVELING
Mafi: Zeiss' shriveled balls: 20% repaired
Zeiss: I HAVE STARTED MY NEW BALL QUEST
Zeiss: I could seriously take that "THE RISE AND FALL OF MY HEART" graphic and fool everyone into believing it was the album cover for the next Decemberists album. That's how bad it is.
Zeiss: And that's terrible.
Zeiss: Aaaand next page now
Zeiss: FINALLY, SOMEONE WITH MICRO
CEPHALY AROUND THESE PARTS
Mafi: SWELLING HEADS ARE SO PASSE
Zeiss: Joe Don Baker IS Christian Chandler IN SUPERTHUMBS!
Mafi: I can't even concentrate on the left side of this page because the right side is so glorious
Zeiss: If I was faced with the ultimatum of shooping a giant dong into only one page of this, that'd be the one.
Mafi: That page is the ultimate expression of joy.
Zeiss: That page is the ultimate expression of DERP
Mafi: Chris-chan: Exploding Rainbows and Popeye arms
Zeiss: THERE'S SO MUCH CHRISSSSS THAT MAKES ME WEAK AND KNOCKS ME OFF MY FEEEEEEET
Zeiss: All this needs is a booming Rush soundtrack.
Mafi: And not mom jeans
Zeiss: I'd hate to leave, but...next page?
Mafi: Yes...if I can tear my eyes away.
Mafi: Suddenly Rosechu out of fucking nowhere
Zeiss: "OH MAN I'M GONNA BROFIST ALL
OF MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS"
Zeiss: PUNCH IT
Mafi: :awesome: in panel 5
Mafi: That girl's head is so tiny. Tiny leetle head.
Zeiss: Clearly, a lifetime of Chuck Paladuck has inured her to these things.
Mafi: Oh god he has a SONICHU SCRAPBOOK
Zeiss: And "SPRUNG"
Mafi: Double fail.
Zeiss: HIS TWO SOURCES FOR ADVICE ARE DATING SIMS AND IMAGINARY FRIENDS
Mafi: Zeiss, are you ready.
Zeiss: Another flirt spoiled by club hand.
Zeiss: BRING IT
Mafi: I'm going to do a double take flirt to you.
Zeiss: LET ME GET MY ZEISSCHU SCRAPBOOK
Zeiss: THIS IS ZEISSCHU AND HE'S A ZEISSCHU AND HE CAN DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS
Mafi: SECOND TAKE:
Zeiss: OH YEAH
Zeiss: WE'LL I'M GONNA GET YOU ONE BETTER
Zeiss: SECOND TAKE:
Mafi: OH MAN I'M SO HOT RIGHT NOW
Mafi: Oh my god look at his DS
Zeiss: haha this comic is rad
Mafi: Oh god, Zeiss caught Derpes
Mafi: NEXT PAGE QUICK IT'S ALMOST OVER LAD
Zeiss: ewww he wants her to keep his "spot" warm
Mafi: That is the worst feeling, a warm seat from some one's ass.
Mafi: Chris' head cracked in half and his heart shattered.
Mafi: Worst of all, his spot got cold.
Zeiss: DESPITE THE EFFORTS OF ROSECHU
Mafi: Zeiss, please pardon me for a moment...
Zeiss: Rosechu: KICK THAT BITCH TO THE CURB
Zeiss: Last one?
Mafi: Thank god.
Mafi: arg tiny font
Zeiss: arg Comic Sans
Mafi: tl;dr: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Zeiss: AND MISPLACED VIDEO GAME METAPHORS
Mafi: ...HE GRADUATED WITH HONOR ROLL
Mafi: oh wait I forgot, he lives in the south, lol
Zeiss: Well yeah. Can you see
him getting invited to any crazy teen drug parties?
Mafi: Thank god this comic is free.
Mafi: But the premium Sonichu comic is some good shit.
Mafi: "Zappin Fun!"
Zeiss: WE NOW BRING YOU ONE MAN'S REACTION ON HEARING ALL THIS TALK OF THE WORD "ZAP":
Mafi: It's over.
Mafi: How do you feel?
Zeiss: Uh....pardon me for a moment.
Zeiss: And I think I got hydrocephaly from this, too.
Mafi: ,xc mc,jkfdaw489nfa
Mafi: Sorry about that, my head swelled up to the size of a melon and I fell head first on my keyboard
Zeiss: Maybe...he planned this?
Mafi: ...I'm scared, Zeiss.
Zeiss: We should all be scared. He's on a Love Quest, and he won't stop until everyone is SHOCK
Mafi: Or until we all have vaginas on our stomachs.
Mafi: ...MY GOD
Zeiss: Though I do already miss Robotnik...