"Bebop's Gone Wild!": The Fantismical Adventures Of Clint & Puss (NWS)

For my first submission to the sporkathon, I present something very close to my heart. This is arguably the worst Cowboy Bebop fanfic ever written - something so utterly inept in every conceivable manner that I can’t help but love it. I present to you…lilbadazbitch‘s magnum opus, ”Bebop’s Gone WILD!”

Chapter I: The Capslock Begins

Our introduction perfectly sets up our expectations:

Quote :

"One more thing, the first chapter of this fic is all about Faye getting it on! WHOOOOP!"

Ah yes, the immortal "WHOOOP!", which I recall was invented by Steinbeck:

Quote :

"And the migrant people headed westward, and their cars compacted the dirt into nothingness, and the smell of dirt was on the cars. WHOOOP!"

Anyway, the first chapter opens with Faye taking a relaxing bath, soon to turn anything but::

Quote :

"Aww, what the heck. Its not like ignoring my needs will make it go away."

And the bath, like so many of them do on AFF, turns into unf unf crazy schlick time. Unf unf unf, indeed.

Quote :

"So Faye closed her eyes and pictured Julia again. She started to squeeze her huge breast harder every second.'

Faye's breasts have merged together. Together, they form Voltron OMNIBOOB. The breasticaboobical equivalent of a Cyclops. I can't help but imagine that it makes little squeaky noises if you poke it.

Quote :

"Her right hand started to rub her clint harder and felt this wetness starting to seep out."

Ah yes. Not 'clit', not 'cunt', but a new, never-before-seen sex organ, the 'clint'. A possible side effect of OMNIBOOB development. I can't help but picture a small Clint Eastwood-shaped growth affixed to her pubic region, flailing it's arms and yelling "Go ahead, make my day!" every time she tries to masturbate. But judging how the 'wetness' 'seeps' out of it, I imagine that it's rather some sort of erogenous sponge.
*Puts “Erogenous Sponge” on “If I ever make a punk band” list*

Quote :

"Faye finally finished her shower and had one foot out of the tub when her bar of soap fell onto the tub. She bent down to pick up the soap and accidentally brushed her clint onto the rim of the tub."

"Now I know what you're thinking. 'Did I come seven times or six?' Well, in all the confusion, I kind of lost track myself. So you have to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel horny?' Well, do ya, punk?"

A lengthy and very CAPSLOCK description of Faye's fantasy follows:

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"Julia: "YE..YES MA...MASSSTER!!! OHHHHHHH...........AHHHHHHHHH........
MMMMMMM...........OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................FU.....FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! MASTER!!!!!!!!! I...I'M ABOUT TO CUM!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Cast her in a plaster of alabaster, by Zoroaster!
Master of puppets is pulling your strings, twisting your clint and brushing your rims!

Quote :

"Cum bursted out of her hot puss and got onto Faye’s puss. She saw stars and swirling lights. After a while, you could still see a stream of white, milky, sticky, and tasty cum coming out of Julia's puss. Even though Julia already came, Faye on the other hand was harder to make cum and had to keep on fucking Julia's puss while she was cumming AND after Julia cummed."

Indeed, the day those two kittens escaped from the Humane Society was a day the producers at BukkakePunch.com would never forget.

Quote :

"She now rode Julia like a crazy animal weather she liked it or not."

A veritable torrent of weasels and muskrats raging inside her head...

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"Faye: OHHHHHH......YESSSSS!!!!!!! THIS IS MUUUCH BETTER!!!"

I FIXED THE PAINTING ON THE WALL AND IT'S NOT CROOKED ANYMORE OH GOD YESSSSS!!!!

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"And so she proceeded in cleaning but what Faye didn't know was that she was screaming out loud in reality even though she was only fantasizing. She also did not notice there was a pair of eyes that was watching her every move from the slightly opened door, and that person was feeling EXTREAMLY horny."

And no, that person isn't Spike. It's Ed. Really. Wrap your head around that one.

Part II: Clint and Puss. A hard-boiled sponge and his rookie partner on a mission to clean up the streets of Sacramento. Together, they fight crime, one piece of fanfic-grime at a time.

Faye continues to masturbate, only this time she does it in her own room for once.

Quote :

"Thime ime though she didn’t want to stick her fingers up her puss so she took her favorite fuzzy brown teddy bear and started to rub it against her puss. It felt so good. The fuzzy cotton sliding in and out of her from time to time making it feel even better."

TEDDY RUXPIN, NO
The way that this is worded, it seems that Faye is violently ripping stuffing out of the bear and stuffing it back into her vagoo. Way to go, Faye.

Anyway, Spike walks by and sees her:

Quote :

‘Hmm, I guess she likes to have sex with objects instead of fucking a huge dick like mine.’

In this fic, the role of Spike will be played by The Todd from Scrubs. Clint-five!

Spike also gets the inkling to go to a...special sort of strip club.

Quote :

You see, these strip clubs he go to aren’t your regular strip clubs. Ohhhh no. Men or women would often pick a whore and fuck with them right there at the bar so others can see. Then after he/she is done, the next person would get to fuck the whore.

Which, you know, is a perfectly rational way to run an establishment. Yep.
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Faye, meanwhile, is still going at it:

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Her teddy bear was now like a soaked sponge, filled with Faye’s come.

HER TEDDY BEAR IS A CLINT TOO
WE'RE ALL GOING TO TURN INTO CLINTS
…but is it an erogenous sponge?

Faye then logically substitutes a beer bottle for the bear:

Quote :

She slowly shoved the bottle up her puss. It was an extraordinary feeling for her. She was being stretched out in every direction.

She's having a quantum orgasm! Cumming in all eleven dimensions!

She then starts having a similar CAPSLOCK fantasy with Spike:

Quote :

Spike: “SHUT UP YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR UNDER MY CONTROL NOW AND YOU’LL DO AS I PLEASE!!!!!!!! YOU WILL ADRESS ME AS YOUR MASTER AND I WILL CALL YOU MY BITCH/WHORE!!!!! NOW SPREAD YOUR LEGS WIDER FOR ME AND SCREAM FOR ME TO FUCK YOU HARDER YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!!!”

“AND FIX THE CAPSLOCK KEY WHILE YOU’RE AT IT I THINK I GOT A PIECE OF FRITOS JAMMED UNDER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Faye finally has an orgasm, and is left with the inevitable result:

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Faye opened her eye’s and held the bottle of come in front of her. What she saw was a bottle full of clear white liquid. She set the bottle down on the small desk next to her bed and went to sleep.

Have you ever been to a Persian supermarket? They’re awesome. They have these candies which are basically cotton candies in gumdrop size and everything. The last time I went to one, I bought a four pack of something labled ‘yogurt soda’. It looked like carbonized milk - weird, but I could see myself giving it a try. You may want to know what yogurt soda tastes like, well unfortunately I CAN’T TELL YOU because it now reminds me of THIS FIC and now a part of me still fears that something in OUR FRIDGE was EJACULATED out of the WEDDING PLATTER of an ANIME CHARACTER in SPACE.
THANKS A LOT, FIC.

Chapter III: War Of The Colossal Puss

Spike then goes to the aforementioned strip club on God-knows-where (It's best if you don't try to think as to when this takes place in canon) and meets a stripper:

Quote :

Her breast were incredibly large and she had long sexy legs.

THE OMNIBOOBS ARE SPREADING
WE MUST FLEE FROM THE SQUISHYNESS

In this chapter, the role of Spike will be played by the husband from a Lifetime movie-of-the-week:

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“My name’s Spike. What’s yours bitch?”

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Is Spike going to have to choke a bitch? 'Cause Spike will choke a bitch. He proceeds to have very rough sex with said stripper in a big block of text that I'm not going to get into; suffice to say it all goes like this:

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Spike grew more aroused by her begging. He loved it when his bitches pleaded him to screw them. “PLEASE WHAT BITCH!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!”

Your resistance only makes his Spiegel harder!
“AND COULD SOMEBODY FIX THE DAMN KEYBOARD PLEASE THE CAPSLOCK LIGHT IS FUCKING BLINKING AND I DON’T KNOW MAN I DON’T EVEN KNOW”

Chapter IV: The Next Karate Clint

Since the whole chapter is the culmination of the Faye/Ed plot set up in Chapter One, I'll only quote a minimum of it.

Quote :

“Why not let me show you why this pleasures me so much Ed.”

In this chapter, the role of Faye will be played by Ross Perot. "This chart here'll explain the whole thing!"

Quote :

Clear liquid came out of her opening like a faucet.

A sponge, a faucet...did Faye have an entire bathroom installed in there?

Quote :

Anyway, the pedo-tastic part gets done with, and Spike is left to make sense of the aftermath.
‘How in the world did she manage to masturbate in the living room of all places.

HOW COULD SHE WALK INTO AN EASILY ACCESSIBLE ROOM
IT BOGGLES THE MIND.

Anyway, that's the fic. Don't blame me if cats look at you funny from now on.

Oh, Zeiss, Zeiss, Zeiss. I would gladly bear your snark babies were I not too old.

You know, stories like this always make me wonder-are there people out there who have sex like this? Who just randomly start schlicking in the bathtub, and the next thing you know, they've grown a uniboob and are fucking Teddy Ruxpin while screaming in ALL CAPS!111? Do they live in mud huts in the middle of the desert and don't have to worry about the neighbors calling the police thinking they're being murdered?

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I can't help but picture a small Clint Eastwood-shaped growth affixed to her pubic region...

"You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig."

Quote :

Her teddy bear was now like a soaked sponge, filled with Faye’s come.

Wait... so it's hollow and spongy? :hmm:

:viley: :viley:

Haha. Just kidding. Not sexy, at all.

What blows my mind about these fics is that they could be about any characters from any fandom. Replace Spike, Faye, and Julia with Harry, Hermione, and Ginny and it would still basically mean the same thing.

Also, what's the obsession with ejaculate fluid? Why is shooting massive quantities of it all over the place sexy?

.....

Joshcube, is that you?