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 Of Vampires and Beatles

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Dr. Professor Science
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PostSubject: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:58 am

A little history: The Vampire John Lennon was first posted on GAFF years and years ago. I can't for the life of me remember whether it was on green or orange, but what I do remember quite vividly is the author completely flipping their shit at us. They deleted the story which, unfortunately for them, she had originally posted in a downloadable .pdf format. Of course this meant that we had a copy uploaded pretty quickly, half to spite her and half out of a genuine desire to rip it to shreds.

Fastforward to now. GAFF is gone, our upload links vanished into the aether, and I remember this story. I say to myself “Jeez, that was a bad one. I'd like to read it again.” Thus begins my quest to find it. The author is still totally paranoid because of us. She had taken all sorts of mad precautions to keep people from finding it. You could request the story, otherwise there was no way to get it. However, her efforts were undone by something moronically simple: Google. That's right: I got a copy of it off of Google's cache. Now, this copy was missing all the beautiful images the original was endowed with, so I decided that it would be pretty damn easy to just ask for the story. Which I did. She gave it to me happily. Here's a link

So there ends an epic saga of pure stupidity and I have a copy of a valuable artifact on my hands. I swear that I will treat this with responsibility and careful – oh my god



I... what? The Photoshopping... the pink... the shiny... the title... the almost threatening text... if I didn't know better I would have sworn someone decided to write a Twilight fanfiction about the Beatles. Where on Earth did she get that picture of Paul McCartney? What possessed her to turn it bright pink? Floating Transparent John Lennon isn't even looking at him, he's just sort of staring off into the distance. Man, where's Ringo? I want me some Ringo!

You know, I've stared at those funny shapes on the bottom of that page for a good five minutes and I can't figure out for the life of me what they're supposed to be. Two of them kind of look like they're giving me the finger. At first I thought they were supposed to be some sort of word but now I just think they're randomly shaped blocks designed to make sure you can't tell what's going on in that photograph behind them. Poor Ringo, he's the only one to get a block right smack dab through the middle of his face. When will the abuse end? Don't worry Ringo, darling, I still love you, honey.

This is, of course, followed by an even cheesier version of the title. If you think seeing it done in a font that resembles pink ribbon is bad, wait until you see it with the T from “The” turned into a vampire bat. Hell, this version of the title looks like the author wrote it out of glitter glue. I hope to God that isn't supposed to be some sort of gemstone behind it, because it sure as hell looks like some sort of girly blob. I guess I could maybe see a ball of crumpled up paper if I tried really hard, but it just looks more like someone thought the pen tool in Photoshop was a hell of a lot of fun to use.

And here we start with the disclaimers.

Quote :
©️ January, 2005 Chanson de la Lune (cdelalune@gmail.com), on
the creative work involved: graphics and novel. The Beatles own
themselves (a lot of other stuff, too). This is a fan novel, and not for
profit. The only authorized agent for this fan novel is:
Agent With Style
9821 Hawkins Creamery Rd. * Damascus, MD * 20872-2339
www.agentwithstyle.com
If you’re buying it unauthorized, you’re almost certainly paying a LOT
more than the printer pittance that fan publishers charge. IT IS TO
BE SOLD TO ADULTS ONLY.

Okay, that's a pretty normal disclaimer. I mean, you're writing a Beatles porn novel, you sure as hell wouldn't want that valuable piece of joy stolen from you.

Quote :
This is a work of fiction. This is a fan novel set in the “Hard
Day’s Night”, “Help” and the assumed-fiction “Let it Be”
universes, with nods to some other basic Beatles historical
facts (some of it is, indeed, true). I am no more saying that the
Beatles are/were gay than I’m saying they are/were vampires—
one should not infer literal reality in this novel any more than
one should assume Picasso’s women had three eyes or that
Robert Burns’ wife literally looked like a rose.
I can forgive the disclaimer running a little long to get this stuff in. I wouldn't want any of the surviving Beatles coming after me for this, would you? Of course, comparing this piece of tripe to Robert Burns smarts a little. You're starting to get borderline pretentious on me, author lady, and more than a little cocky. Do you really think you're that good? You're going to have to prove that one. And do you really think we're stupid enough that you need to explain what a metaphor is? Wait... what do you mean there's more?
Quote :
It’s a metaphor—
a myth—a story phrased in the mythological gods of the
modern era and the homoerotic vampire tradition. It’s also a
slash novel, meant for a specific community of readers (and we
all understand the game rules of the art form) and not for the
reading public. I’ve also removed the names of the innocent
(wives and families), since they are not gods of the common
mythology and just regular old folks like you and me. The only
real person’s name employed is Timothy Leary’s, and I figured
Doc Tim would understand.
Okay, you dove right into pretension there, didn't you? Mein Gott, I don't even know where to start here. It just reeks of pompousness to an absolutely putrid degree. Homoerotic vampire tradition? Is that really a thing? I really fucking hope it's not an actual thing. And you really think Timothy Leary would want to be associated with your gay porn about the Beatles? Wasn't he friends with the Beatles? I think he'd be more than a little angry at you for all of this if he wasn't dead. What's the fuck is a common mythology, anyway? I'm pretty sure things have to be at least a little iffy on the facts in order to be properly mythological, but then you don't seem like one for proper definitions, do you, author lady? That has to be one of the dumbest terms I've heard to refer to something similar to the Collective Unconscious.

Wait a second, how could Timothy Leary be the only real person named in the story? What about the Beatles? You know, the ones you wrote the story about?



Oh my god there's even more to this disclaimer. What the fuck.

Quote :
To Beatlefans who may have happened across this: unless
you’re a slash reader, this is not for you.
IF YOU DO NOT
KNOW WHAT SLASH IS AND ARE READING THIS, STOP
READING IT NOW.
Otherwise, severe eye damage may
occur.
At least they have the common courtesy to try to get rid of the old hippie Beatles fans who would be mentally scarred for life by this. Sure, they might survive a little porn, but wait until you get to the plot.

Quote :
In writing this, I wanted to create a story to satisfy all the lost
ends of Beatlemania for those fans still haunted by it. It is what
I think may have happened based upon my assessment of
known events—it is not presented as a fact-based
representation of what did happen.
Remember when I said you were pretentious? Yeah, well now you're pretentious and the pretentious synonyms of pretentious, like bombastic. God, I hate you. I hate you so much. Didn't you just explain that this story is a metaphor to us like we're five? Now you're saying you actually believe it. I'm getting some serious mixed messages right here, author lady. In fact, I'm pretty sure that sentence there just contradicted itself.

Quote :
I should also point out how this whole story came about: In a
very Anne Rice-like setting, I dreamt I was the interviewer of
the vampire John Lennon. John then went on to relate this
story…most of the major events (in terms of Paul and him)
came from that dream (yes, including the fucking). This
includes his own commentary on Paul’s later work (some of
which I agree with and some of which I don’t). Most of the rest
is my creative confabulation. Just in case there was any actual
external input made, I’d like to give credit where credit is due.
However, Paul, you’ll have to take up the content with John.
Oh god, where do I even begin with this one? I have to say that the last one is most rage-worthy, implying that if Paul McCartney thinks her porn novel about the Beatles as sparkly vampires is bad, he can't talk to her, he has to go talk to his dead friend. Gee, that's very kind, ma'am. The fact that this is based on a dream sure as fucking hell raises my confidence in you. Especially now that I know it was a wet dream. DO NOT SHARE YOUR PRIVATE SEX FANTASIES WITH THE PUBLIC KPLZTHX. THAT'S WHERE TWILIGHT CAME FROM.

Hey, wait a minute, you just said that you talk about Paul's work from after he left the Beatles... but you just said that this wasn't based on the REAL Beatles, it was based on the Beatles from their movies. Surely the wild and carefree Beatles in the movies I saw wouldn't have exactly the same history as the real ones.

Quote :
Two points of order for non-Beatlefans: Macca was the
nickname John bestowed upon Paul. It has since become
Paul’s “other name”. Ringo’s real first name is Richard (which
you know if you’ve seen HDN), so that’s why he’s called “Rich”
or “Richie”, as that is what he’s usually called by family and
friends…occasionally they get by with “Ring”. I didn’t reach for
“Lennie” or “Harrie” or “Pudges” or “Boog” or any of the other
pet names because I thought at some point, one has to draw a
line at reality. I did opt for “Puddin’” and “Prudence” because
they’re so damned cute and there is public record of them.
People... people call someone Boog? For real? And you're going to call one of the Beatles "Puddin" at least one in this piece of crap? I'm pretty sure Prudence isn't even a lovey dovey pet name. Seems almost like some sort of bizarre insult to me, given what the Beatles are actually like. And WHO THE FUCK CALLS THEM LENNIE, HARRIE, PUDGES, AND BOOG? WHO?

So all together, this comes to a grand total of approximately two whole fucking pages of disclaimers. Jesus, Agony in Pink didn't even get that much.

It's at this point that we're treated to a few select quotes from interviews and such. Y'know, real slashy ones... including a couple which were really obviously jokes that the author took seriously. Wait a minute. Didn't you just go into agonizing detail about how the characters in this novel aren't the real Beatles but are instead the Beatles in the movies? These aren't quotes from movies. These are quotes from interviews with real people.



And so finally, agonizingly, we actually get to start Chapter One. It's called Broken Wings and has a picture of Paul McCartney in the shape of a butterfly at the top of the page. Okay. You'd better explain that one real good.

Quote :
He found himself sitting there, staring at the empty wall….just
staring at the empty wall…beside the desk…beneath the
light…before his reservoir of paper. His hand had grasped pen
and wandered after a word. Focus, he would tell himself, and
then bolt back into this narrow room of attention, not quite
remembering where his thoughts had been hiding….where he
was…bugger that, when he was.
Okay, no mention of Butterfly Paul, but jeez you know all those guides to writing floating around? They say that the most important paragraph of your novel is your first one. Your first paragraph is supposed to draw your reader in, get them hooked. I'VE NEVER SEEN A MORE INCOHERENT FIRST PARAGRAPH IN MY LIFE.

So the novel opens up with Paul McCartney having an exciting case of Old Person Syndrome. It could be senility, dementia, or Alzheimer's. It's not really explained. (Spoiler: It's because he's dead) He just sits around being really fucking confused for a page and a half. It just goes on and on and on. It's one of the least interesting openings to any novel I've seen anywhere, and this includes some of the other gems we've reviewed here. Man, those Beatles have an exiting life, don't they? He's living in such a whirlwind, he doesn't even recognise his own house!

Then our dear Mr. McCartney gets a ~*~mysterious visitor~*~. She's dressed as a secretary and wants to tell him that he'd better answer the ~*~mysterious phone call~*~ he's been ignoring.
Quote :
though he couldn’t remember her to
spare his life…or how, in fact, someone dressed “as a
secretary”. She was clearly waiting for his reply.
Wow, those are some unnecessary quotation marks.

Quote :
“Sorry to bother you, sir, but you have an old friend on the line.
He wouldn’t give his name.”
Ooh, an old friend, how ~*~mysterious~*~. I wonder who it could be. Maybe it's Timothy Leary. She mentioned he was in this fanfiction.

Quote :
All of his truly old friends were at a distance or dead. (Now
how the hell is it you know that, old son?
)
I don't know, maybe you've got Alzheimer's.

It turns out that the secretary's name is Martha (HA HA GET IT?) and she says that the corporate limo is coming to pick him up. Paul wanders around lost in confusion some more and analyzes the Beatles' career, as people are wont to do when they can't even remember what their house looks like and that all their friends are dead.

Quote :
During word association tests
throughout the world, when the word “four” came up, they were
the first “thing” remembered. Psychologists had checked that
out for years…it held true everywhere—even in Bengal, even in
Katmandu. One, two, three, four meant Ringo, George, Paul
and John. The four most famous faces—walking along the
Great Wall, he had heard his name called down within a
barrage of Mandarin Chinese. Everywhere…they knew him
everywhere.
Yeah, no. Just... no. If anyone here reacts that way to the number four I would be seriously surprised. Surprised to the point of fists.
Quote :
Everyone knew them…yet nobody knew them at all.
OH POOR PAUL. COME HERE SO I CAN HUG YOU, POPPET.

Then he sits around and gropes a photograph of the Beatles while BAWWWing until the limo shows up.
Quote :
His future seemed trapped in a dark,
endless cavern resounding with an awful Joycean knowing:
Never, ever, ever, ever…
…always…always…always…
I resent that Joyce reference, novel. Yes, I will hold it against you.

Quote :
The fact of the matter was he didn’t believe in God. And that
meant he couldn’t believe in John…anymore…
What the fuck does that mean? Are you trying to be deep because that makes no sense.

That paragraph right there is the start of something awful. It's the start of the pseudo-existentialism that this whole novel seems to be made up of. The whole damn thing, aside from the sex, the banter, and the excruciating character analysis, is this horrible fake philosophy that was clearly made up on the spot. That's right: what we've got here is a fanfiction that's trying to be deep. It doesn't work at all.

The limo shows up and is driven by a guy named Jude (HA HA AUTHOR YOU ARE SUCH A DRY WIT) who apparently isn't the regular guy. How ~*~mysterious~*~. We are then treated to all the fun and excitement of a car ride.

For a page and a fucking half.



Then Paul is let out in some ~*~mysterious~*~ unknown location, which just leaves him even more confused and senile. Then he runs into Ringo, who has apparently been dead for a while.

Quote :
Had he not known
this man very, very, very well, he might not have recognized
him in these strange surroundings.
Seriously?

Quote :
“Been wondering when you’d finally make it over,” Ringo said,
a deep fondness in his gaze, as if they hadn’t seen each other
in a very long time. He toasted toward him a crystal glass of
something deeply red. “Welcome. I reckon you’re wondering
how it is you find yourself here, eh, old man?”
Oh god, I see the direction you're going, novel. You're going to have everyone act like whatever crazy shit is going on is completely normal and Paul is the one who's crazy for not thinking it's normal. I hate you.

Then it's implied with all the subtlety of an anvil to the skull that Paul is dead. Odd, I thought he'd died in the sixties. I mean, it says so when you reverse my copy of Revolution 9.

We're treated to some excellent dialogue in which nothing is really said but a lot is implied really really badly. Here is another symptom of this novel's degenerative disease: the author apparently can't write anything but dialogue. After this introduction, the whole damn thing is just dialogue. This would be fine if it was a deliberate stylistic choice, but I don't think it's intentional. I think it's just from lack of skill. The biggest problem is that it makes it damn near impossible to tell what the fuck is going on sometimes.

I'm pretty sure that right here, the reason for all this dialogue is to hide the fact that we're just having information dumped on us like so much flaming dog poo.

Quote :
“To see me? But we just saw each other last—“ Paul said,
thinking. He backed up a little, as if unsettled at his sudden
thoughts…or lack of them. “When?”

“You can’t remember now, can you?”

Quote :
Ringo laughed, shook his head. “No work, Paul. There’s been
a lot gone under the bridge. When’s the last point in time you
remember?”
CAN ANYONE ELSE PARSE THIS? I AM SO CONFUSED.

So, wow, we find out that holy crap Paul is dead. Really? I never would have guessed.

Quote :
“Get hold of yourself, Paul. We have shocking
news to impart. Ready, steady?”
I want to punch you.

That is how Ringo talks the entire fucking time. I am not joking.

So then nothing happens for two pages while Ringo convinces Paul that, yeah, he's really dead and we get some more exposition where they explain what it's like to be dead. It's written in a way that it's almost like someone reading out the shopping list, except they try to make it interesting by throwing in "cute" little quirks.

Quote :
"Spirit bodies. You remember holograms? Help me, Obi Wan
Kinobe, that sort of thing?”
Please, may I punch you?

Quote :
”These bodies are created from
highly focused energy emitted from our minds. Our minds are
electromagnetic, as it were. Our head thingies spin it into
interference patterns until it solidifies into stuff.”
Such appalling pseudoscience. They're fucking vampires or at least something magical. You don't have to explain it scientifically.

Quote :
Paul listened carefully, nodding. “Vibrational, you mean? Like
music? The music of the spheres?”

Ringo pouted a little. “Yeah, they said you’d get it before me.
Exactly. It took me two days of charts and diagrams to grasp it.
And I’m a musician.”
Really? Because that didn't make any fucking sense.

So there's a BAWWfest where Paul starts freaking out because holy crap Ringo is alive. Slow today are we, Mr. McCartney? Oh wait I forgot, you're retarded in this novel. Oh and there's magic. And stuff. Yay? We find out about it in more excruciating detail. Then George shows up and we get a fuckton of self-analysis from Paul.

Quote :
One half of him wanted to find a firm and final place to stand
with George, but found none…because there wasn’t one…and
he knew it…anymore than there was for Rich…or for the one
whose name if recalled would surely break Paul’s heart…

His choices had been either (1) ignore the depths or (2)
surrender to them completely.
I know that that sentence is probably supposed to refer to John Lennon, so you've done your job wrong. There must be an even less coherent way of getting your point across. You just have to think harder, babe. It'll come.

Suddenly! Banter! Lots and lots of banter!

The banter here doesn't progress the plot in any way, it's just there to distract you from the fact that you're enduring more exposition than a history textbook.

Quote :
“Then I pointed out Madam Tussaud’s was all wax,” George
explained. “And that wax doesn’t breathe. But then his
Ringoness here hit upon the theory that we might be made of
special, military top-secret breathing wax. How was I to
respond to that?”
You could have told him he's retarded and kicked him in the balls. That was a terrible joke.

Funnily enough, Paul hasn't actually had it click that if the other Beatles are here, John must be here too, but Paul is unnaturally stupid in this fanfiction anyway. Then we find out they're vampires, but we find it out in the most technical fucking way possible.

Quote :
“I was wrong about before, perhaps you are about this, eh?”
George said, looking again to their newly arrived friend. “All
right, here’s all of it, Paul…this is the worst, from a newcomer’s
perspective. You see, to survive we sap little bits of vital
energy to replenish our own plasmic cells. Usually we do this
straight off the Mater, but every so often, when the opportunity
presents itself, we can partake from living beings, so long as
they consent. The nice thing is the whole process is very, very
pleasant, so they don’t mind. It’s very, very, very pleasant for
us, too. Almost better than sex.”
You... you do that.

Paul starts to freak out because now he has to drink blood at least once. First off, he reacts with way more vehemence than you'd expect, almost like he's not actually freaking out but just covering it up. Oh Paul, you closet Haematolagni--uh--ist, you. And then he gets over it really fucking quickly. And doesn't even drink any blood at this point, even though they just said he kind of has to.

Quote :
The light wall dissolved into a dark room. Not just dark, but
black dark, John Milton dark…O dark, dark, dark…Without all
hope of day dark. That kind of thing.
Trying to make yourself sound better by association? I'm on to you, novel.

Then there's an assload more banter. It looks like this author can barely write anything else.

And OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT JOHN LENNON IS THERE TOO. OH MY GOD I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING, DID YOU? PAUL SURE AS HELL DIDN'T.

Quote :
He would have communicated this
perhaps only through a P.R. buffer, a million miles away from
his heart. “When John…went…it bloody killed me the first
fucking time… It bloody fucking killed me…”
Yay, another over-the-top freakout! Paul, you're severely mentally deficient here, aren't you?

Quote :
It was terrifying
because it was so real, so vivid, this…love.

“Paul,” said a voice the very sound of which instantly melted
the last vestige of what remained of Macca’s resistance. “You
couldn’t leave here if you wanted to. And the fact is you don’t
want to in the least and you damned well know it, so quit
playing like a hard to get queen.”
D:

The prose and the dialogue do not match in any way, shape, or form. You can't just lump "witty" dialogue with that alongside "deep" prose. It doesn't work. It just makes your novel look like it's patched together from a whole bunch of rags you found in the trash.

And, of course, the first thing they do is argue. Then they make up soppily.

Quote :
John held him gently, strumming the other man’s long, darker
hair like a gentle, lilting ballad of belated sorrow. He knew what
Paul did not: that the expense of emotion was dispersed as
energy and Macca would soon be surrendering to a restorative
process which, in this higher realm of heaven and earth,
passed for a few hours of sleep.


More to come.


Last edited by Dr. Professor Science on Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:18 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Zeiss Manifold
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 18, 2009 8:22 am



Keep going, man. This is awe-inspiring stuff.
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Fairlight
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 18, 2009 11:07 am

Wow, that photo of John on the front cover, could he look any less like a vampire? Edward Cullen looks more vampireish than that.
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Dr. Professor Science
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:02 pm

Okay, so I decided it was a really good idea to write that thing up at 5:00 AM because I couldn't sleep. As a result, it was really skimpy on the detail, especially towards the end. I've edited it and you should reread it because it's a lot better now.
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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:53 pm

I love how, after all the crap at the beginning, you managed to get hold of a copy of it just by asking her for one. I'm assuming you didn't tell her WHY you wanted it? Though it would be fun if she showed up here to cry about how no one understands her. Though she'd be more likely to bore us into submission.

Also, I've decided that the next time I have a half-way decent erotic dream, I'm going to write a book about it. If S. Meyers can do it, so can I!
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:35 pm

Quote :
Agent With Style
9821 Hawkins Creamery Rd. * Damascus, MD * 20872-2339
www.agentwithstyle.com



And someone mail her porn. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:44 pm

Nihilist wrote:
Quote :
Agent With Style
9821 Hawkins Creamery Rd. * Damascus, MD * 20872-2339
www.agentwithstyle.com



And someone mail her porn. Smile
Unfortunately, that's not her address, it's the zine's address.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 25, 2009 3:17 am

We open on a beautiful panorama: laptops as far as the eye can see, all arranged in intricate patterns on the dusty Earth, a palette with every colour imaginable. The camera begins to zoom in and we can see that all the screens display different web pages. Truly, there is an infinite variety. The zoom speeds up until finally we focus in completely.



Yes, our dear John Winston Lennon, vampire, has returned to soothe our troubled minds once again. Nobody could ever resist his allure. We wake together with Paul and who is there to meet us but John? He's barely been in this story for a page and already he's giving off stalker vibes. He's there as Paul awakes and was probably there while he slept. Remember how my first impression of this story was that it was scarily close to Twilight? Yeah, I'm being reminded of Twilight again. I wonder if this was the inspiration for Twilight. Believe it or not, this story is older.

Quote :
Something cool and sleek like satin whispering beneath
inquiring fingers, inciting a memory of other nights in other
places.
"and a bad chilly wind came over and gave her chill down her back and a bad vampire named satin appeared around her and he ask if she would marry him as his bride forever eternal."

Quote :
“When you’re sleeping, you look like one of those rococo
alabaster cherubs,” said a nakedly admiring voice hovering
over him. “Only you’re more beautiful.”
And we're immediately reminded of the pretentiousness that permeated every aspect of this story in the first chapter. In case you had forgotten. Which you probably hadn't. Let's play a game, hm? Who is this speaking? Does it sound like any of the Beatles? Well, screw you. It's John Lennon. Yeah. This paragraph is exactly what I picture when I think of that Lennon wit and charm.

So after that bout of creepiness, we get more horrible banter and discussions of feelings! The story doesn't tell us where this section is set. Presumably it's Paul's bedroom, though it's a bit odd that he has a bedroom when he's... y'know... dead.

Quote :
“My eyes are hazel, as you know very well. They pick up the
color of whatever I’m near. They only look green when you’re
around, John."
Oh that's just lovely. You've turned Paul McCartney into a Sue. You've turned a real person, one who who is still living, I might add, into a Sue.

Oh wait, I forgot that this takes place in the movie universe. Psh.

Quote :
“My lady told you what that was about.”
Yes. No mentions of anyone who isn't the Beatles. THIS IS A LEGITIMATE LOOPHOLE THAT I HAVE FOUND BECAUSE I AM BRILLIANT.

This is followed by some of the more bluntly delivered exposition in my experience. Also flirting.

Quote :
“Not really flying, is it? More like artful hovering really.”

Paul winced at his approaching thought. “We don’t…you
know…transform, do we? You know…really fly?” He flapped
invisible wings. “Squeak—squeak—and all that.”
She tries so hard to hide the fact that this is just straight up infodumping.

There's something just slightly off about all the dialogue in this story. I don't know what it is. It's just not the way any real human would speak. This is a pretty big problem since this fanfiction is all dialogue.

No, really. There's next to no narration in the entire thing. It makes it pretty god damn hard to follow and leads to a lot of conversations that are poorly disguised ways to get plot points across.

Quote :
The four of us can’t be as one and
we’re supposed to be as one until the two of you are together
again.
Run. Run the fuck away.

Quote :
“Like hell they didn’t. After you…died, I’d guess you’d call it…I
got it all quoted back at me on the nightly news.”

“Partly your fault for going in front of the bleedin’ news camera
after taking six benzodiazepines and two crobs. You looked
like a big, stunned salmon. I didna want to be alone…iss a
drag innit
? I’m surprised you were that erudite.”
Holy shit is that true? Is that a real quote? That's so sad. Shame, novel. Shame on you for capitalizing on a real person's grief to give your fucking fanfiction extra emotional impact.

What was that about these not being the real Beatles?

Bad! Bad fanfiction! Down! Down boy!

Also, please double check what 'erudite' means, novel. You're trying to look erudite and you're failing.

Quote :
“Was ever thus, John.”
Oh yeah? Well, your mom.

Quote :
You got off on How Do You Sleep,
admit it.
I wouldn't put it past the McCartney in this fanfiction to have some repressed masochistic tendencies, given how strangely he's been acting so far.

At this point, John starts to completely beat on Paul. Yes, you just found out that you're dead and are reunited with your best friend. The first thing you do? No, there's no celebration or anything. No, your friend picks apart every choice you made in your life that he didn't really agree with and insults you for it.

I think the author has some ill feeling towards our dear Mr. McCartney.

Quote :
“Firstly, recordin’ with Whacko Jacko. How do you
reckon that one out, eh?”

“Boredom and stupidity. That accounts for a lot in both our
lives, yours and mine.”

“But Paul, I mean you’ve got to grow a fuckin’ ego. You talk
about how big mine is…and I mean ego, ducks, don’t give me
that come hither look…but you act like you don’t know how
great you are. You go and take up creatively with the likes of
‘im. You know how that felt from the other side, where I
couldn’t snipe about it to the press? Damned painful, I’ll tell
you. Not a pig’s ears to tickle in sight.”

Paul smirked. “At the time, Jacko was the King of Pop.”
Remind me again. How long has everyone hated Michael Jackson's music?

And then we find out that oh my god George and Ringo know that Paul and John used to have sex. And they've seen them do it! What a twist!

Then they talk some more about relationships and other boring stuff.

Quote :
“Yes. I told you early, I told you late. I loved you before you
loved yourself, Macca, and that’s never changed. It never will
change. In love, on love, up love or what-have-you. And what
we’re feeling is important. We’re important, you know, and not
just to us. It’s the point of all Creation, I might add.”

Paul laughed darkly. “Now your ego has really gone aground,
John.”

“Not literally, Pauline. I mean metaphorically. You and I comin’
together tells us the why of existence.”

“Which is?”

“In the beginning, God was lonely.”
I like my fanfiction with a heaping helping of pseudo-existentialism.

Quote :
Don’t be saucy…not until later anyway.
And then Lennon needed help undoing his bodice.

Quote :
“Not yet but we have a way here of clearing the decks. You
know the old Vulcan mind meld thing on Star Trek?”

“The one Mr. Spock did? He’s around here, too?”
Oh no
Quote :
“Then you won’t mind my having a look,” John said, reaching a
hand across their narrow division. His hand nearly touched his
face.

Paul moved away, his back now flat against the bed’s
headboard. “Didn’t say that. It’s an invasion of privacy, isn’t
it?”

“Privacy? Humbug. We gave up privacy between you and me
long about 1961." John leaned forward, his eyes lit up like all
day. “Just proves me point. You don’t want me to see.”
Oh nonononono.

Quote :
“Don’t mind if I do,” John said, grinning again, his hand finally
encountering skin.

As if at the center of theatre in the round, a memory played
across the world enclosing the two of them. John was both
looking in and looking out.
Motherfucking Vulcan vampires!

Suddenly! Inexplicable font change! The first of many. The new one is really squished and hard to read. Thank you author! I mean, I know it's supposed to be inside Paul's ~*~memories~*~ but when you switch back to the regular timeline you do it in a third new font.

We're assaulted with a whole bunch of really short scenes about Paul and John's relationship.

Quote :
“There’s still hope, son,” she promised, her countenance now
grave and thin. “But if it happens, Paul, let it happen. It’ll be
whether we’ll have it or not. Get on with things. Let it be.”
Get it? Because this is a literal interpretation of Let it Be? HA HA HA

Quote :
Paul leaned into his field of vision. “John…I just heard…I…”
Paul wiped away the fresh crop of his own tears.

“Don’t talk, just hear,” John said, coughing words instead of
speaking them. His face was pale and blank and tear-stained. His
hands seized Paul’s arm, squeezing it for dear, old life. “Lead me
through this. I gotta go up and see me mum layin’ in that fuckin’
death basket thing up there on the fuckin’ altar. I can’t do this shit
alone, Paul. I’m lost. You been there already. You can lead me
through it, eh?”
Yay for bringing up real people's real traumatic events to help your story move along!

Then they do acid together. Because you know that means they'll be 2gethr 4evr.

Quote :
“I have an octopus in me garden.”

“You haven’t.”

John pointed. “I have.”
DOHOHOHOHO

Quote :
“It was him! Admit it! He wanted to sell me the
flat suite for this squathouse. Sold me this
£10,000 vase instead. Said it would give me
class, as if I didn’t have none to begin with, unlike
him. But the worst part of it all was how his
fuckin’ filthy stare kept puttin’ it to you."

Paul gazed up at the ceiling, as if he had wished
for wings. “What do you want me to say? You
want to just shame me? You’re a fairer man than
that. What is it—”

“I want you to tell me you don’t love him!” John
said.
I'd blame this exchange on the drugs, but at this point in the scene, the author seemed to have forgotten that they were on drugs... not that her idea of an acid trip was anything more than “people see hallucinations and otherwise act normal.”

Then they y'know... do it. Sorta.

Then George and Ringo show up and guess what? More banter.

Quote :
But half the fuckin’
schoolgirls in Great Britain and North America
want to bear young Macca’s babies. A significant
portion of them wouldn’t mind tossing out a few of
yours, John, come to that.
WHO LET WAFFLES WRITE FANFICTION?

Quote :
“Have
you ever heard of something called Co-
Dependency?”

“No,” he said sharply, tossing a look at him like a
warning shot off the starboard board.

“It’s a disorder, for want of a better word, that is
really only beginning to be understood. It’s about
what happens after long-term psychological and
emotional control. Verbal abuse. Criticism.
Bullying. That sort of thing. Over the years it
accrues, until you lose the walls of where one
person leaves and another begins. We feel this
may be the situation here. Usually this is
relegated to abused…spouses…families…in
domestic situations, but—“
This is never properly addressed again.

Quote :
“Listen to me. Hear me,” John said. “I promise
this to you. I’ll crush you if you do this. For your
own fuckin’ good. They’ve got your soul in their
teeth and I’ll have to shred you to pull you
away—”

“Who are you to tell me—“

“I am you,” he howled back. “Every time you
hear my name from now on you’ll flinch at the
fuckin’ sound. Every time anyone hears your
name they’ll only remember what I say about you.
So long as you’re with her, every day will bring
another torrent…another torment. Did you hear
the one this morning? And I’ll tell ‘em what I want
to tell them—I’m the smart one, remember? I’m
the one with the mouth who they listen to. They’ll
quote me.”
This is also ignored.

Why the fuck are you bringing this stuff about them being crazy and then spending the rest of the story going on about how they're star crossed lovers who couldn't properly be together in the 1960s because of persecution?

This is followed by a confusing argument that I can't even begin to summarize because it makes no sense. I'm sorry. I tried. I think they want to move in together but can't because John lives with Yoko and Paul and Yoko hate each other. John can't go live in Paul's place because apparently that means that Paul will keep him as a pet or something? Then there's banter with an undertone of passive-aggressiveness.

And then...

Quote :
He allowed himself the scream, since there had
been only one pair of ears to hear it: the night
man, swabbing, who would later speak directly to
the Morning Report. One broken staggered word,
sobbed out into the night…into the empty, empty,
empty night:
Penis!
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Mr.Doobie
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:23 am

I started reading the original, but had to stop. Jeez, it just went on and on. And I managed to slog through the entirety of Celebrian! But this... gah! Two pages of disclaimers? Her prose is some of the most incoherent and boring prose I've ever read!
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 3:51 pm

LMAO! I could not believe you guys are still harping on this -- I didn't believe it -- but here you are, as L.J. said. I know most of you guys hate all fan fiction now -- all fan fiction, especially the dirty stuff which you somehow equate with being "bad." (BTW, fucking people is NOT "Bad" -- God created it, it must be okay) When I was a member of the real godawful back in the beginning, it was filled with people who liked fan fiction.

Now you're intermixed with people who (a) hate dirty fan fiction or (b) hate any writers with readers. Three of you are booooorrrring fan fiction writers who like attacking fan fiction writers with readerships. You are jealous. Sad, but true. Most of you, however, are just the same set of pathetic wannabes. You found a little corner where you can have a "clique" with others who tell you you're superior. My comments stuck in your craw because you know it was, and is, the truth. They SO stuck in your craw that you had to recreate this thread after the other Godawful finally collapsed from all the hot air dooming it. Few, if any, of you have written anything ANYONE has EVER wanted to read. Oh, the text would all pass English tests, but it's all boring and pointless. The novel you are picking apart has sold hundreds of copies from a small publisher -- it will shortly sell more, which I'll get to in a moment. Yes, isn't it awful how the masses are so beneath you in their opinions?! If only we could be superior like you are! LOL

And you can't even remember your history correctly -- I was the one who came here and took you on. I merely insulted you to the same degree you were maligning the writer. You have these "do not personally attack" clauses, all of which you set aside for real writers (the ones with real readers).

Have fun jerking off to delusions of your own grandeur. You guys are a riot (and not a good one)

Melody Clark, professional publisher/writer (as in, I make money doing it, not sniping about it on the web. on forums, and then begging for donations)
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:25 pm

Um... look at the date stamps. The last post was from October of last year.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:26 pm

Quote :

Melody Clark, professional publisher/writer (as in, I make money doing it, not sniping about it on the web. on forums, and then begging for donations)

"Professional" only implies you get paid to write, babe. Therefore, DeviantArt weeaboo furry artists that get commissioned to draw shitty anime porn are on the same par as you. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:37 pm

melodyclark wrote:
SUCK MY DONG FAT FANFICTION FAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!

Spigot the Bear! You're back! Though awfully more long-winded than I remember.

Quote :
LMAO! I could not believe you guys are still harping on this -- I didn't believe it -- but here you are, as L.J. said.

Wait a second? There's an Live Journal page dedicated to us?

I think I feel just a bit honored.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:54 pm

Thanks for the thread necromancy, Mel! I'd never heard of this piece of crap before, and missed the thread the first time it was posted. Now I'm staring at my screen, still attempting to process how anybody could write something quite so mind-bogglingly bad.

(And oh, please don't be a troll. We haven't had a genuine Offended Author fight in sooooo long.)

Looking at this story, one word springs to mind: overwritten. It's like the writer couldn't be satisfied with writing Beatles RPF, and had to try and justify it with miles of disclaimer and pseudo-philosophical babble. Author, you're writing a story about vampiric Beatles having sex. Just . . . go with it. You don't have to pretend.
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SlyChild
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:16 pm

Vampiric Beatles having sex? I had a dream rather like that once. Only they were beetles, as in insects, and I was videotaping.
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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:00 pm

I find it rather amusing that it took her almost an entire year to track us down (long after the thread had been abandoned) and necromancy it back to life.

I want to know what LJ comm she's talking about, because as near as I know, the only WGW on LJ is the one Site Guru set up when the board was down and he was having surgery. Or did Nihilist set up one when the coup took place?
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:05 pm

One would also think that she would employ better punctuation as well. And no, we do not think that people fucking makes a fic bad. It's when people fuck like they do in My Immortal that makes it bad.

No one made you come here and start flailing around like a naked guy in a shark tank. But since you so generously put yourself in our sights...
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:05 pm

melodyclark wrote:
LMAO! I could not believe you guys are still harping on this -- I didn't believe it -- but here you are, as L.J. said.

LOL. A YEAR LATER--THEY FIND OUT. *snort* Also, link pls? I'd like to know what people are saying. :D

Quote :
I know most of you guys hate all fan fiction now -- all fan fiction, especially the dirty stuff which you somehow equate with being "bad." (BTW, fucking people is NOT "Bad" -- God created it, it must be okay)

Well, I can certainly tell this person just looked us up for the one thread and didn't bother reading any other threads. Most of us (there are a couple asexuals, which is totally ok) love fucking people. But mostly we love fucking WITH other people. In this case, fan fic authors who write atrocious pieces of crap. We only really rib on "the dirty stuff" when it's like, well, Tyrone's Tongue.

Quote :
When I was a member of the real godawful back in the beginning, it was filled with people who liked fan fiction.
LOOK AT MY STREET CRED! LOOK AT IT!

Stop it. A good portion of our core posters are from the real godawful. I joined the year after it was formed, though I didn't post. And many of us still love fanfiction. It's the reason why bad fanfic is mocked.

Quote :
Now you're intermixed with people who (a) hate dirty fan fiction or (b) hate any writers with readers.
"YOU'RE ALL JUST JELLIES!"

Quote :
Three of you are booooorrrring fan fiction writers who like attacking fan fiction writers with readerships. You are jealous. Sad, but true.
Oh, wow, I hadn't read the entire post, lol. The jellies comment should come here I guess. And just three of us are boring fanfic writers? Damn, that means the rest of us are AWESOME! I bet I'm one of the boring ones.

Quote :
Most of you, however, are just the same set of pathetic wannabes.
The same set from the all-hallowed GAFF? And that would make you what, our pathetic stalker?

Quote :
You found a little corner where you can have a "clique" with others who tell you you're superior.
OMG! US! STOP HAVING FUN WITH PEOPLE WHO SHARE SIMILAR INTERESTS! STOP IT. NOW.

Quote :
My comments stuck in your craw because you know it was, and is, the truth.
I don't know what comments you're talking about. So, uhm, yeah, you sure showed me. O.o

Quote :
They SO stuck in your craw that you had to recreate this thread after the other Godawful finally collapsed from all the hot air dooming it.
WOW. A REALLY pathetic stalker. There's been at least one other iteration of GAFF inbetween GAFF and here.

Quote :
Few, if any, of you have written anything ANYONE has EVER wanted to read.
"OMG I'M SO JELLIES! Er, I mean YOU'RE SO JELLIES!"

Quote :
Oh, the text would all pass English tests, but it's all boring and pointless.
Because proper grammar is boring and pointless.

Quote :
The novel you are picking apart has sold hundreds of copies from a small publisher -- it will shortly sell more, which I'll get to in a moment.
"OMFG U GAIZ. I'VE SOLD LITERALLY ALMOST DOZENS OF BOOKS SO STOP PICKING ON ME." ... yes, and I'm sure Laurell K. Hamilton would hate us too, and she's sold umpteen bajillion copies of her craptastic anthromorphic sex books.

Quote :
Yes, isn't it awful how the masses are so beneath you in their opinions?!
Translation: *sniffles* "You hurt mah feeeeeeeelings."

Quote :
If only we could be superior like you are!
If only you could be.

Quote :
LOL
Yes, this is very loltastic. I LOL with you.

Quote :
And you can't even remember your history correctly -- I was the one who came here and took you on.
I can't remember you at all. Talk about being boring and pointless.

Quote :
I merely insulted you to the same degree you were maligning the writer.
Muhahah. *evil mustache twirl* Our evil plan is complete.

Quote :
You have these "do not personally attack" clauses, all of which you set aside for real writers (the ones with real readers).
Nah, I think we set them aside for amateurs too.

Quote :
Have fun jerking off to delusions of your own grandeur.
Why thank you! I WILL! Schlick

Quote :
You guys are a riot (and not a good one)
So, why do you care again?

Quote :
Melody Clark, professional publisher/writer (as in, I make money doing it, not sniping about it on the web. on forums, and then begging for donations)

Oh, idiot, I'm published too which means I'm a professional writer. So, since my street creds equal your street creds, I'm going to give you a piece of advice: STFU.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:19 pm

Celery Bark may have resurrected the thread, but Max made it great again. LOL
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:21 pm

Quote :
Though it would be fun if she showed up here to cry about how no one understands her

And than the clouds opened up, and the INTERNET GODS declared, "AS YOU WISH IT! SO SHALL IT BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Quote :
the dirty stuff which you somehow equate with being "bad."

Have you taken a look at my avatar?

melodyclark wrote:
Few, if any, of you have written anything ANYONE has EVER wanted to read.

Pot: "Hello Kettle."
Kettle: "DAMN POT! U IZ ONE BLACK MUDDA FUGGA!"
Pot: "..."

Quote :
Most of you, however, are just the same set of pathetic wannabes.

And since you obviously don't care what us pathetic wannabes think, you just completely ignored us when you learned that we still existed, years after the fact.

Oh wait.

You didn't. You posted in a year-old thread just to show us how much you don't care about us pathetic wannabes. Your logic is flawless.

Quote :
The novel you are picking apart has sold hundreds of copies from a small publisher

Heidi Montag's first album sold hundreds of copies as well.

Just sayin'.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:17 pm

Oh boy! An angry author! It's been too long! Excitedplz

Ah Max, you remind me once again why I e-married you. I love you
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:27 pm

You know, I'd totally forgotten both this writer, the story and the thread, till she resurrected it.

That's what jealousy does to you, apparently; makes you forget things you don't give a shit about.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:47 pm

Yeah, I completely missed this one. Good snark, Dr.
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:58 pm

Blooferlady wrote:
Oh boy! An angry author! It's been too long! Excitedplz

Ah Max, you remind me once again why I e-married you. I love you

Excitedplz

Yay! I also somehow missed this snark the first time around as well. Or if I read it, I only glanced over it. Some pretty funny stuff. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Of Vampires and Beatles   Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:33 am

I was going to post something about how this was like the homoerotic version of Paul is Undead, but then the author shows up, a year after the fact, and rants at us for what we said a year ago.

Epic Fail.
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