Looking For Trouble

This is not one of the stories, friends. This is the author speaking of himself. The way he goes on to describe his father physically is much more suitable in a story of a fictional character than a man describing a close relative. I did not need to know that he rarely wore underwear. I certainly did not need to read:

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I went in there when he was asleep to look at him facedown… [snip] see clearly the hair-choked split of his ass, the huge twin orbs of his testicles, the wrinkles of his sack pressed out and about ready to burst.

Now his father knew why the hooker had been ‘on discount.’

The author then goes on to talk about other people he wanted in his childhood, ending with a snide

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But not Ralph; I never wanted Ralph.

Oh, yeah! Well, I never liked you anyway!

But on to the first short story, Looking for Trouble. It begins with a man, Ron, who had worked at a detention center for boys. He is visited by one of the boys who had previously been under his care, Matt.

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…manipulating the big, good-looking boy by his dick strings.

Next on When Body Mods Go Too Far...

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Fully extended, Matt’s cock now resembled a fat, blunt redheaded cannon,

He shot himself with it in an attempt to escape the badfic, but misfired.

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…his pecker thwacked against his stomach.

Pecker. Potentially one of the least sexy words in the English language. Sadly, he never uses tallywhacker, then at least I’d know he was trying to make me laugh.

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He pushed Matt down on the bed and grabbed his ankles, splitting him like a wishbone.

Matt screamed and called 911. Ron, as it turned out, was a serial splitter.

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Putting his face into that dark, musty split…

Did I mention that most parts of a man (crotch, crack, etc) are often described as ‘musty?’ Musty is not an adjective I associate with good sex. Or good hygiene, for that matter.

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Ron pulled on Matt’s dick, making it greasy.

He realized a moment later that he was actually assaulting an oil pump.

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Matt’s bung hole pulsed. Ron ran his thumb over it, pushing into it as if it were a hot, overripe melon.

Matt exploded into fruit flavors three seconds later. It seemed the next time Ron made a golem for his own amusement, he would need to construct it from something other than pre-chewed Juicy Fruit. PROTIP: Lube is your friend.

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Matt’s heavy joint trembled and dripped with anticipation.

He soon realized, however, that his knee perhaps ought not be doing that when the shooting pains began.

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A slow, easy fuck to introduce the boy’s anus to Ron’s big invader was in order.

It was discovered that no matter how hard they tried, an entire Viking would not fit.

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…burst up inside Matt’s cunt, churning up a come butter that the boy would eventually eat off Ron’s resuscitating dick.

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YOU NEVER GO ASS TO MOUTH!