Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
szaleniec
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 32
Location : Europe

PostSubject: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Mon Aug 24, 2009 9:48 pm

Dark Secrets by Jaiden Lee Malfoy isn't actually that badly written spelling/punctuation/grammar and style-wise, at least compared to the other two Potterfics I snarked here, but don't let that fool you. The summary contains the first clue that there's something wrong:

Quote :
Dark Secrets
By- Jaiden

Ron Weasley has a dark secret that nobody can know about, the only problem is… Is that his girlfriend Jaiden Spencer found out.
No, not a Mary Sue at all. Honest. I may just have spoiled what Ron's dark secret is in the headline. Sorry about that.

Quote :
Voices sounded from a patch of trees to her right. Curious, she inched closer. Keeping her 5’2” frame to the shadows she inched closer. The voices became clearer, her sapphire blue eyes already accustomed to the darkness, could just make out three figures standing in the center of the patch of trees.
I know I think about my height and eye colour all the time when I'm creeping around spying on the Dark Lord and scourge of humanity.

Quote :
"As I was saying you were over heard by me faithful servant
Why is Voldemort suddenly Mancunian?

The basic thrust of this chapter is that Mary Sue gets captured by Voldemort. This happens:
Quote :
“ That won’t be necessary, I’ll deal with that, ” Voldemort replied, “ I want you to take her back to the castle, do anything you have to, to keep her from talking, ”

“ This’ll be fun, right sweetie, ” Ron said with malice.
I like the idea of a fic focused on a Death Eater conflicted between his loyalty to Voldemort and his feelings towards a love interest. Much as [Lucius Malfoy] in Deathly Hallows eventually abandons Voldemort for the sake of his family. Here, though, there are two problems. First, the Death Eater is Ron. Not happening, people. Secondly, he seems to switch from being
Quote :
terrific so, sweet, and kind
to a complete monster in the space of 5 seconds. Not what I'd call dramatic conflict.

Quote :
Jaiden obeyed letting her self be guided out of the common room and to the Heads Common Room, where Jaiden roomed as Head Girl.
Ah yes, the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters. Friend to Ron/Hermione, Harry/Hermione and Draco/Hermione shippers everywhere, and completely, 100% non-canonical. I'll give you three guesses as to who the Head Boy is.

Quote :
“ What are you so afraid of Spencer? ” A drawling voiced asked from the couch near the fire, next to the wall of the common room.

“ That is none of your business Malfoy, ” Jaiden snapped.
Of course.

Quote :
“ How could everything get so screwed up in a single night? ” Jaiden thought as she cried herself to sleep.
I'm sure canon is asking the same question.

The third chapter has Draco snogging Mary Sue. Evil!Ron evidently sees this happen, and they have a fight.

Quote :
Ron however grabbed her other arm and slammed her against the wall. Jaiden felt her back crack on the wall, her bag fell to the ground.

“ Not going to happen sweetheart, ” Ron said tightening his grip on her arm, leaning down he kissed her hard on the lips.

Jaiden bit down hard on his bottom lip, causing him to how in pain. Raising his other hand he hit her hard across the face. She looked back at him fearfully as she clutched her brusing cheek.

“ Don’t ever do that again, ” Ron told her dangerously.

“ Go to hell, ” Jaiden said through gritted teeth, the spat in his face.

“ Now that wasn’t very nice, ” Ron said wiping his face off, “ I think someone needs a lesson in manners. ”

And with that he began to drag her away from the Head’s Common Room, keeping her tight grip on her arm.
You'll notice that at no point in this altercation between two seventh-year Hogwarts students is magic used or even presented as an option.

Quote :
When they had reached the violent tree, Ron touched the knot, and forced her to the Shrieking Shack where nobody could hear her scream.
Canon would like to point out that the Shrieking Shack is called the Shrieking Shack precisely because its occupant could be heard screaming.

It doesn't take much imagination to figure out what happens in the Shack so let's cut to the Heads' Common Room.
Quote :
They had begun to fall in love with each other.
Of course.

Chapter 5 is more of the same with Evil!Ron being Stupid Evil (seriously - his task is to prevent anyone finding out he's a Death Eater, so he not only acts utterly OTT eeevil but antagonises the one person who can make this information public? :bang:) so let's take a look at chapter 6.
Quote :
“ Don’t take that tome with me, ” Ron said.
Now he's objecting to her reading list.

Quote :
“ Today… we are going to concoct a healing potion, ” Snape told the class, “ This is a very complex potions and requires the utmost attention, ”

“ Great, ” Jaiden muttered under her breath.

“ What was that Miss. Spencer? ” Snape snapped.

“ Nothing, ” Jaiden said.

“ That’s what I thought, ” He smirked, “ Your instructions… ” He tapped the blackboard with his wand and writing appeared, “ Are on the board… Well what are you all waiting for get to it,
Wow. Not only has she remembered that magic actually exists, but Snape is somewhat IC!

Chapter 7: yet more of the same. Evil!Ron bursts in on her in the shower, is Evil and once again the writer forgets the existence of magic.

Draco returns to the aftermath of the attack in chapter 8. In a world with healing spells and potions, this is how he treats her injury from a piece of glass in her foot:
Quote :
“ Shh, it’s alright it’s out now, ” Draco said soothingly.

“ Ow, ow, ow, ” She said as he applied pressure to stop the bleeding.

Getting up he went in search of a first aid kit. He found on underneath the sink, walking back over to her he sat down on the floor, setting the first aid kit by him opened it and took her foot again. Unwrapping it he took some antiseptic to cleanse the wound.
Yep. Muggle first aid. WTF?

Evil!Ron turns up yet again:
Quote :
Jaiden opened her mouth to scream, but a hand flew to her mouth, her hands came up to get away from him, but he caught them and placed them under his knees next to her sides.

She could hardly move under his weight. Jaiden whimpered as she saw his face come closer to hers. She could feel his breath on her neck, as his lips brushed against her ear.

“ My preciousss, ” He told her in a sickening whisper.
Worst crossover ever.

Quote :
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of duck tape, and with one hand Ron tore a piece off with his teeth, and put it in place of his hand on her mouth.

“ Now if you cooperate this will be much easier on both of us, ” Ron told her grinning.

Jaiden shook her head frantically, he just laughed at her, which by doing this gave her time to yank her arms free, and they flew to her neck.

“ So this will be the hard way huh, ” Ron said catching her wrists and flipped her on her stomach, reaching for the Duck Tape beside him, he tapped her wrists together, behind her back.
And what, might I ask, is wrong with the Impediment Jinx, the Body Bind, the Stunning Spell, etc.? Why's he using fucking duct tape when he's got a fucking wand? Is this a Harry Potter fic or not? Angry
As I pointed out on the "don't desecrate my fandom" thread:
szaleniec wrote:
Another Harry Potter one, inspired by a fic I'm snarking at the moment [this one] that seems to have a selective memory regarding this fact, which is so obvious I wish I didn't have to point it out: magic exists. Not only does it exist, it's omnipresent in the Potterverse. "How would the characters having access to magic affect this scene" should be the first question a writer asks themselves on completing a scene.

Quote :
“ Ah! You bastard you horrible F-cking bastard, ” She told him viscously.
Well, she certainly was in a sticky situation.

Later in the chapter, Harry gets "brutally beaten". Obviously some form of Dark magic was involved, because the normal healing spells don't seem to be working. Or the writer has once again forgotten about the existence of healing magic despite the characters brewing a healing potion earlier in the fic. Anyway, he's in a coma and on a "magical ventilator" (like being magical makes things remotely better - the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office would have a field day with that one) and Mary Sue can't take any more. I know how she feels. :headshot:

Quote :
Dear Draco,

I am sorry to you all, for I cannot go on living like this. My life has become far to complicated to exist on this earth any longer.. I thought I had a friend that I could trust, but he betrayed me, abused me, and I cannot and will not forgive him for what he’s don’t to me and to others. This is my final good-bye. Once again I am truly sorry and please remember I love you all so very much, please do you forget me, and let my memory live on forever more…

All my Love… Jaiden Spencer
She needs to meet up with Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and start a Hogwarts Suicide Club.

Quote :
“ Yes I do! ” She cried out and drug her wand across cutting her wrist deep, the blood started to flow, she just watched it flow as she dropped her wand to the bed. The pain felt so good.
Where'd she learn Sectumsempra? Oh, I forgot. Mary Sue.

Quote :
Pulling his shirt off he pressed it against the cut, trying to stop the bleeding.
But as Draco doesn't have the counter-spell, she still bleeds to death. The End.

Quote :
“ You can’t protect me, Ron’s too powerful, ” Jaiden explained.
Ron who needs duct tape because he can't manage a simple Body-Bind Curse?

This is where they start shagging.
Quote :
She slowly slid them down his hips, as he kicked them off with a bit of difficulty, she went for his silk black boxers next, but he stopped her by pulling of her pants and underwear and let them join the other clothing on the floor. Draco gently spread her legs and he kissed up her thigh, where he saw her burried treasure, with his tounge the lick up her wet pink slit, causing her to gasp in surpise. With his fingers she spread her nether lips slightly, and slowly worked and finger inside her tight opening. Jaiden felt as though she was in another world, and in a sense she was, at least for tonight.
Whilst I have to give her at least some credit for not forgetting to describe how the POV character actually feels, it's still forced, rigidly mechanical and one step up from IKEA Erotica. I'll spare you the rest.

Quote :
He aimed for her moans.
OK, not quite all the rest. I'm having trouble picturing this for some reason.

Quote :
Hey Jade Baby,

Guess who? Yes that’s right it’s me Ron and I got someone you want… If you’re still wondering about who I’ve got… I’ll give you three guesses 1… 2… 3… Give up yet? I didn’t think so, that’s right I have your precious Draco: who doesn’t look to good right now, but you’re the one who put him in this situation now didn’t you, you shouldn’t of disobeyed me Jaiden. But I’ve got a proposition for you, no listen very, very carefully… you are to come down here where this all began. If you don’t, another one of your friend will be hurt or maybe even killed, it’s your choice. I give you until 10:00 p.m. yes one hour from now. You are to come alone, not before, not after. If you don’t follow these instructions, you know the consequences. Remember 10:00 p.m. No later.

Ron
ZOMG TWIST!

She goes down to the lake, Ron and Draco are there and there's a fire and Ron's killing Draco somehow and I have trouble picturing what the fuck is actually happening, until:
Quote :
“ So what… ” He said as he pushed her back, “ So what…! ” He forced her backwards into the three, keeping her in place with his hand on her arm. Taking his wand out he placed the tip under her chin, tilting her head up, “ You forget… with a snap of my fingers he’s dead, but… ”
FINALLY he remembers he's a wizard. Unfortunately, it doesn't last:
Quote :
As soon as he removed his wand, Jaiden began to struggle against him, slapping at him she made his wand fly out of his hand.

“ Don’t fight me, ” He snarled.

“ Go to hell, ” She told him, but kept struggling against him.

Ron swung and connected with her cheek, sending her to the ground. Jaiden started to crawl away, but he grabbed her ankle and dragged her toward him.

Picking her up he threw her over his shoulder, and carried her to the lake. Stopping at the shore he threw her into the water. Ron reached to his back pocket and drew a pocketknife out, snapping it open, he followed her into the water…
He doesn't, you know, retrieve his wand or anything like that. He wants her dead, but apparently Avada Kedavra isn't good enough for him. Anyway, he has this knife fight with Draco and Draco wins. Evil!Ron is dead and Draco and Mary Sue live happily ever after. And there was much rejoicing.
Back to top Go down
http://szaleniec1000.livejournal.com/
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 31
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:21 pm

Quote :
“ B-but M-my Lord, ” The man on the ground stuttered, “ I-its not t-true, h-he is l-lying, ”

“ Your stuttering tsk, tsk, tsk, ” The cold voice mocked, “I think that it is you who are lying, ”
"Hey! M-my st-st-ta-ta-tutter is a le-legitimate meh-medical c-c-c-co-co-ondition!"

Quote :
“ Do not swear to Lord Voldemort, ” The cold voice said dangerously.
Since when was that a rule?

Quote :
“ Now as I was saying to Mr. Thomas, ” Voldemort said turning his attention back to the man on the ground, “ I do not tolerate traitors, ”

“ I-I’m not a t-traitor, ” Dean Thomas said.
What, Dean Thomas is a Death Eater too? What is this, the Mickey Mouse Club? What is with all the children?
Back to top Go down
karmyn31
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 41

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:18 am

Head boy/Head Girl do not have seperate quarters. Remember in PoA? Percy was Head Boy and lived in Gryffendor with everybody else.
I don't know where this cliche came from, but it's used a lot in Draco/Hermione fics. Even after Deathly Hallows when Hermione wasn't even at Hogwarts for year seven. Let it die, people.
Back to top Go down
szaleniec
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 32
Location : Europe

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:04 pm

karmyn31 wrote:
Head boy/Head Girl do not have seperate quarters. Remember in PoA? Percy was Head Boy and lived in Gryffendor with everybody else.
I don't know where this cliche came from, but it's used a lot in Draco/Hermione fics. Even after Deathly Hallows when Hermione wasn't even at Hogwarts for year seven. Let it die, people.
I think it originated with Percy/Penelope fics back when that was a popular ship. I guess it's too useful a plot device to be constrained by such trifles as canon.
Back to top Go down
http://szaleniec1000.livejournal.com/
chelonianmobile



Join date : 2009-07-13

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:17 am

Okay. Voldemort says "do anything you have to to keep her from talking". Why does this apparently not include "kill her on the spot"? That's what Voldemort would NORMALLY do.
Back to top Go down
Inciter
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 27
Location : My sexual fantasty world

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:48 pm

chelonianmobile wrote:
Okay. Voldemort says "do anything you have to to keep her from talking". Why does this apparently not include "kill her on the spot"? That's what Voldemort would NORMALLY do.
Yeah, but when it comes to Mary Sue, no one acts normally.

Quote :
“ So this will be the hard way huh, ” Ron said catching her wrists and flipped her on her stomach, reaching for the Duck Tape beside him, he tapped her wrists together, behind her back.
Yeah, I think Duck Tape would be the hard way, with or without magic. Because, you know, duct tape is way better than duck tape.

Quote :
“ Now as I was saying to Mr. Thomas, ” Voldemort said turning his attention back to the man on the ground, “ I do not tolerate traitors, ”

“ I-I’m not a t-traitor, ” Dean Thomas said.
The worst part about this is that Voldemort would never allow a Muggleborn to become a Death Eater.
Back to top Go down
Wandering Critic
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:36 pm

Inciter wrote:
Yeah, I think Duck Tape would be the hard way, with or without magic. Because, you know, duct tape is way better than duck tape.
Duck Tape works fine for me.

I'm part of the school of thought that thinks "duck tape", aside from being a brand name, might actually be the original name for the stuff, because there's one big thing duct tape (however you spell it) isn't any good for: sealing ducts.
Back to top Go down
http://wanderingcritic.wordpress.com/
Hi
Guest
avatar


PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 7:25 pm

Wow, a Muggle first aid kit in the Potterverse. That's like Dr. McCoy performing 20th century surgery.
Back to top Go down
Yattara
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-09-06
Location : East of the meridian

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Sun Sep 13, 2009 8:14 am

[quote="Inciter"]
chelonianmobile wrote:
Quote :
“ Now as I was saying to Mr. Thomas, ” Voldemort said turning his attention back to the man on the ground, “ I do not tolerate traitors, ”

“ I-I’m not a t-traitor, ” Dean Thomas said.
The worst part about this is that Voldemort would never allow a Muggleborn to become a Death Eater.
Nor blood-traitors, which the Weasleys are according to Death Eaters. 
Back to top Go down
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 31
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Mon Sep 21, 2009 11:58 pm

[quote="Yattara"]
Inciter wrote:
chelonianmobile wrote:
Quote :
“ Now as I was saying to Mr. Thomas, ” Voldemort said turning his attention back to the man on the ground, “ I do not tolerate traitors, ”

“ I-I’m not a t-traitor, ” Dean Thomas said.
The worst part about this is that Voldemort would never allow a Muggleborn to become a Death Eater.
Nor blood-traitors, which the Weasleys are according to Death Eaters. 
Would a Weasly still be considered a blood traitor if he went over to the Death Eaters though?
Back to top Go down
szaleniec
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 32
Location : Europe

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:58 am

He would be looked at with intense suspicion and very unlikely to be inducted into Voldemort's inner circle. In fact it would be unlikely that any wizard their age would be inducted into the inner circle - Draco only was because Voldemort wanted to punish his father.
Back to top Go down
http://szaleniec1000.livejournal.com/
Yattara
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-09-06
Location : East of the meridian

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:58 am

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Yattara wrote:
Nor blood-traitors, which the Weasleys are according to Death Eaters.
Would a Weasly still be considered a blood traitor if he went over to the Death Eaters though?

I wonder if the Weasley would be accepted. Voldemort is pretty paranoid as is, and having a blood-traitor knock on your door going 'Hey, I want to join you" is not going to make you accept him on faith.

I suppose it could happen (and having someone who is so close to the Boy Who Lived is a bonus, given that Harry can't read minds if his life depended on it), but you'd be under very close scrutiny, both from Voldemort himself and the Death Eaters who are just itching to take you out of the picture because of your family.
Back to top Go down
szaleniec
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 32
Location : Europe

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:23 am

Yattara wrote:
Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Yattara wrote:
Nor blood-traitors, which the Weasleys are according to Death Eaters.
Would a Weasly still be considered a blood traitor if he went over to the Death Eaters though?

I wonder if the Weasley would be accepted. Voldemort is pretty paranoid as is, and having a blood-traitor knock on your door going 'Hey, I want to join you" is not going to make you accept him on faith.

I suppose it could happen (and having someone who is so close to the Boy Who Lived is a bonus, given that Harry can't read minds if his life depended on it), but you'd be under very close scrutiny, both from Voldemort himself and the Death Eaters who are just itching to take you out of the picture because of your family.
Then, of course, there's the question of Harry's mind link to Voldemort. If Ron was a Death Eater in his inner circle (or Dean for that matter) then Harry would know about it. I suppose Voldemort, as he knows about the link (remember Order of the Phoenix?) might use it to mind-screw Harry: "look, even your friends are joining me!"
Back to top Go down
http://szaleniec1000.livejournal.com/
MildlyPsychotic

avatar

Join date : 2014-02-09
Age : 525
Location : Gallifrey

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Sat Mar 22, 2014 12:59 am

Nice snarking.
Back to top Go down
Mouse
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-01-22

PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   Sat Mar 22, 2014 6:10 pm

Okay, seriously what does everyone in the Potter fandom have against Ron Weasley? Do they hate kind supportive friends who occasionally get a little jealous? Is this something against gingers or something? What's going on?

Then again, I fled the Harry Potter fandom because you people are nuts.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.   

Back to top Go down
 
In which Draco rescues Mary Sue from Ron the Death Eater. NWS.
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» "The Wolves" When Mary & Carrie fell. Injuries
» Mary Tamm
» Unable to identify this mark? Mumof1 has identified this as Mary Burr's mark.
» Mary Poppins
» Styling session with Mary Madison on buttonwood

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: