Cupcakes

If you want somepony* to blame for what you're about to see, blame GeorgeUK, he gave me the idea.
*GET USED TO IT.

Cupcakes by Sergeant Sprinkles is one of (if not the) most infamous My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfics to exist, so much so that it has spawned metafanfiction and fanart, some of which is of superior quality to the original. What Cupcakes really needs, though, is an episode treatment with Hasbro-grade animation and voices similar to the actual actors. I know that will most likely never happen, but a brony can dream.

Now then... WHO WANTS CUPCAKES?

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WARNING: This fanfiction is incredibly gory, and may ruin your appreciation of a certain My Little Pony character as well as the titular baked goods. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

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The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Ponyville was having a glorious day.

Except for Cranky Doodle Donkey. You know how he is.

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When Dash walked into the store, she was immediately greeted by her host, who was bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here! I’ve been waiting aaall day,” said the jumping pony.

Aside from foalsitting, looking after Gummy, baking and helping run the shop, Pinkie has absolutely nothing to do apart from wait for Rainbow Dash all day? What a boring, lonely life she must lead. No wonder her special talent involves partying, she's constantly trying to escape the soul-crushing boredom.

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“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time,” Dash apologized.

You considered continuing doing those exercises, too. So much for the Element of Loyalty...

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Pinkie giggled and responded in a gleefully reassuring tone, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes? I’ve been sooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breathe I’ve been so happy.”

See, Pinkie Pie, this is why some ponies think you're on drugs. You're always bouncing around maniacally and talking like someone's pointed a universal remote at you and pressed the fast forward button. What DO you put in those cupcakes of yours? Oh, wait...

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Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She had always appreciated Pinkie Pie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but Pinkie’s overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out.

Pinkie's excited. She's REALLY REALLY excited. Foreshadowing much?

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Dash psyched herself up. “You betcha, Pinkie. So what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you’ve got some stunts you think I should try? Or perhaps…”
“MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.
“Baking?” Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good at baking. Remember last time?”

I remember an overtired Applejack putting at least a dozen ponies in the ER, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders wreaking havoc in the kitchen, but I've never seen Rainbow Dash bake. RD is pretty full of herself though, so when Dash says she sucks at something, you'd better believe it.

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Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.
Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.”
“You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.
“So, is this like taste testing or something?”
“Sorta,” Pinkie said.

Mmmmm. What pony could turn down free treats, right? Right?

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Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

No, Rainbow Dash, you're supposed to be masticating, like a cow. MAS-TI-CATING. Helloooo, anypony home?

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“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.
“Now,” Pinkie informed her, “You take a nap.”

[portalturret]Naptime. Shutting down. I don't hate you.[/portalturret]

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Puzzled, Dash opened her mouth but felt instantly lightheaded. A wave of dizziness washed over her, the world spun, and seconds later she collapsed to the floor.

And then Pinkie had her way with Rainbow and Lyra and Bon-Bon showed up to watch and clop.

PLEASE SAY THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Please?

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When Dash regained consciousness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that a taut leather strap held it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread her legs wide apart. Dash’s wings were the only part of her not tied down, and they fluttered frantically while she struggled to escape. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped suddenly into her line of sight.

There's no cake, but there's plenty of DELICIOUS RAEP to be had, right?

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“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said urgently.
“Well duh, that’s because you’re tied down,” chided Pinkie. “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you’d need to be told that.”

Silly Pinkie, Dashie is an athlete, and everypony knows athletes are DUMB.

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“Special ingredient?” Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient?”
Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly!”

DUN DUN DUNNNN

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Dash’s eyes widened, and her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh and said, in a voice bordering on hysteria, “Woo, you really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made into a cupcake? I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.”

That's the spirit, Rainbow Dash! Maybe if you clap your hooves together and make a wish, it'll actually become true! Oh, right, YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR FORELEGS.

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Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”
“Then why were you laughing?” Before Dash could answer, Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. On the cart was a tray containing various sharp medical tools and knives, carefully organized and wickedly sharp, as well as a large medical bag.
Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind raced as she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

It's all fun and games until someone gets eviscerated.

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“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out,” Dash cried in desperation.

RD really is quite full of herself. No wonder the Mysterious Mare Do Well had to be invented: to keep a certain pegasus's ego in check.

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“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules. We can’t turn back now.”

Yeah, Dash, you get your ticket, you have to wait in line like everypony else.

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“Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs,” Pinkie mimicked.

Sorry, but this is where I have to call bullshit. Unless Pinkie can assemble a netgun out of spare parts and weave a net tough enough to hold a griffon, I just don't see that happening unless Twilight or Zecora was involved.

Wait.

Did Zecora supply the drugs?

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It’s too bad she had such a meanie mouth. She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Rainbow Dash.”

Yeah, but some folks just get kind of ornery when you're carving them up alive, pony or otherwise.

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Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.

No flair? Good grief, I thought Pinkie was supposed to be a gourmet patisserie chef?

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Placing the ragged patches of skin down, Pinkie selected a large butcher knife and walked behind the blue pegasus. “Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now,” Pinkie laughed.

WORST. PUN. EVER. Even worse than the one involving Spike and punch.

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“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing,” scolded Pinkie as her friend howled.

Sure, they're grievous wounds, but damn it, they've got to be even! This is Cupcakes, not Silence of the Lambs!

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“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

I think it's the same logic behind pineapples. It's not meant to make sense.

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She watched numbly as her wing flew over her head and landed with a fluff on the table.

And she spent all morning cleaning and straightening those feathers! Do you know how hard it is to keep feathered wings neat and tidy when you don't have a beak to comb the vanes with? Especially when you have the magical ability to break the sound barrier, that can really, er... ruffle your feathers.

That was bad and I feel bad.

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“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would you like it if I came over to your house and went to sleep? ‘Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re so boring I think I’ll take a nap.’ You think I like always doing this by myself? I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough. I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you! Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

Hey, come on, Dash is being tortured to death! Cut her a break, can't you?

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“What?” Pinkie asked. “Oh, this?” She held up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself to a small sample. I got it from your leg; you’re not bad. Wanna try some?”
Without waiting for a response, Pinkie shoved the strip of meat into the revolted pegasus pony’s mouth. Dash gagged, and immediately spit it out. Pinkie frowned, and picked up the chunk of flesh. “If you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She contemplated the discarded snotty morsel, then gulped it up. “It’s not like you haven’t had my cupcakes before.”

SWEET CELESTIA SHE'S A DRUG ADDICT AND A CANNIBAL
FLY LIKE THE WIND RAINBOW DASH - oh, sorry, I forgot, you're still tied down.

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“This is a little something to take the pain away,” Pinkie informed Dash as she walked around to her victim’s ruined back.

Oh, geez, couldn't you have given her some anaesthetic before you started cutting her up? You're not a very good friend, Pinkie Pie. I know you're the Element of Laughter, but this is ridiculous and totally not funny.

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Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie?” she choked out.
“Yeah?”
“I want to go home,” Dash sobbed.
“Yeah, I can see wanting to do that,” replied the party pony. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done with this mess’ and go to bed. But you know what? You can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

What's the use in giving somepony advice like that if they're minutes from dying anyway?

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“Looks like I got my ‘I’ on you, Dash,” Pinkie giggled.

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“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” Pinkie laughed, slinging the intestinal tube around her neck and spraying blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty?”
Reaching back inside, she sliced the smaller intestine off from the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed the slimy organ through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

I hope she brushes thoroughly before kissing Gummy or the foals.

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“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” Pinkie started pulling out the rest of Dash’s organs, pausing with each removal. “I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”

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As she looked, Pinkie cocked her head. She began to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t much damage to the corpse. “It fact,” the pink pony mused, “I think….” An idea exploded in her head. She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do was put them back together. Yeah, she just had to get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever. In fact, thought Pinkie, that’s what she’d do for all her best friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped right over to the body with her skinner to get started. The cupcakes could wait; Pinkie Pie had a friend to make.

Pinkie Pie is soooo good at making friends! But nopony seems to last for very long once they become her bestest bestest friend...


Well, that's my treatment of Cupcakes. Feels good for some reason, now that I've done it.

piss in my mouth

turn me into a literal human fountain of urine

Dear Gods...

It's "Agony In Pinky-Pie"...

xerrofoot wrote:

If you want somepony* to blame for what you're about to see, blame GeorgeUK, he gave me the idea.
*GET USED TO IT.

I'm already used to the idea that you're a fucking muppet. Go on.

xerrofoot wrote:

Cupcakes by Sergeant Sprinkles is one of (if not the) most infamous My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfics to exist, so much so that it has spawned metafanfiction and fanart, some of which is of superior quality to the original. What Cupcakes really needs, though, is an episode treatment with Hasbro-grade animation and voices similar to the actual actors. I know that will most likely never happen, but a brony can dream.

So, it's infamous in the sense you'd actually want to see this happening? Like fucking horses? Freudian slip?

xerrofoot wrote:

Quote :

WARNING: This fanfiction is incredibly gory, and may ruin your appreciation of a certain My Little Pony character as well as the titular baked goods. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

(video removed)

2 girls 1 cup didn't rid me of my scatological urges.
If some internet shitfiction ruins your appreciation of something you must be one easily-swayed idiot
just saying

xerrofoot wrote:

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The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Ponyville was having a glorious day.

Except for Cranky Doodle Donkey. You know how he is.

No I fucking don't, explain the joke you bronyass fuckpony. Not everyone watches your fucking show, and not everyone who casually watches it gets your fucking joke. Oh, it's for other bronies to point and laugh. Yeah, I'm sure you made Ian shit bricks of laughter.

xerrofoot wrote:

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When Dash walked into the store, she was immediately greeted by her host, who was bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here! I’ve been waiting aaall day,” said the jumping pony.

Aside from foalsitting, looking after Gummy, baking and helping run the shop, Pinkie has absolutely nothing to do apart from wait for Rainbow Dash all day? What a boring, lonely life she must lead. No wonder her special talent involves partying, she's constantly trying to escape the soul-crushing boredom.

Because everyone who throws parties is an idiot, says the guy who just sits on a stupid fanfic mocking site where people can't even fucking write anyway and make fun of twelve year olds because they're just that jealous as he drew MSPaint horsefucking porn, and everyone was glad he wasn't there bronying up everyone's awesome parties.

xerrofoot wrote:

You considered continuing doing those exercises, too. So much for the Element of Loyalty...

What? Fanfiction going against CANON???? HOW OUT OF CHARACTER!!!!! THE AUTHOR MUST BE HITLERINA OR SOMETHING

xerrofoot wrote:

Pinkie's excited. She's REALLY REALLY excited. Foreshadowing much?

So herschtick is to be excited and fucking party all up in this bitch and you're just no, get on my dick pinkie
one of my five fingers and shit

xerrofoot wrote:

I remember an overtired Applejack putting at least a dozen ponies in her butt, and the Marky Mark wreaking havoc in the kitchen, but I've never seen Rainbow Dash baked. RDJ is pretty full of herself though, so when Dash says she sucks horsecocks, you'd better believe it.

And then they all stripped naked, began to shit on each other with their giant titty doomcocks and fucking horses came in and gave them all meth and they were all ponies and nobody slept for three fucking days while they all fucked each other to death drenched in each others' juices.

xerrofoot wrote:

[portalturret]Naptime. Shutting down. I don't hate you.[/portalturret]

So your interests are horse porn and games whose fanbase is so fucking annoying that my god, I know that Portal is a good game, hell I have both fucking games but it's a fucking game so shut your fucking ass you intermeme horsesnogger

xerrofoot wrote:

And then Pinkie had her way with Rainbow and Lyra and Bon-Bon showed up to watch and clop.

Will Ferrell?

xerrofoot wrote:

PLEASE SAY THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Please?

It could be much, much worse, yanno. Where are the speculums and cervical lickings? Torturously inserting sugar cubes into some pony's cervix???

xerrofoot wrote:

There's no cake, but there's plenty of DELICIOUS RAEP to be had, right?

you find rape to be delicious oh ho ho hey everyone xerrofoot likes to rape
his life is horseygorean

xerrofoot wrote:

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Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.

those shitty drawings on their sides are their vaginas??? That would make standing in the subway *quite* awkward.

xerrofoot wrote:

And she spent all morning cleaning and straightening those feathers! Do you know how hard it is to keep feathered wings neat and tidy when you don't have a beak to comb the vanes with? Especially when you have the magical ability to break the sound barrier, that can really, er... ruffle your feathers.

That was bad and I feel bad.

After all this, it takes some lame joke for you to feel some semblance of aspergery "bad"

god this story is boring even knowing that it's some cutesy ass show but it must be hardcore to a 14 year old whose life comes crashing down after discovering such dark themes as cannibalism, antitheism, anarchy and other assorted bullshit

I mean, shit this isn't even all that interesting and is kind of boring, and your snark didn't do anything to assuage my disinterest

so while I was on hiatus was this shit the invasion of the most high functioning autistic bronies or what

because my fucking god

Disco Stu wrote:

So, it's infamous in the sense you'd actually want to see this happening? Like fucking horses? Freudian slip?

No, I want to see ponies tortured for the lulz. If you had even an ounce of internet-fu, you would be learned and skilled in the ways of the Chans. Yet, sadly, you are not. GRASSHOPPER, SNATCH THE PEBBLE FROM MY HAND.

Disco Stu wrote:

2 girls 1 cup didn't rid me of my scatological urges.
If some internet shitfiction ruins your appreciation of something you must be one easily-swayed idiot
just saying

I said nothing of the sort, I was referencing the "baked bads" gag from Season 1.

Disco Stu wrote:

No I fucking don't, explain the joke you bronyass fuckpony. Not everyone watches your fucking show, and not everyone who casually watches it gets your fucking joke. Oh, it's for other bronies to point and laugh. Yeah, I'm sure you made Ian shit bricks of laughter.

Fuckpony? Is that like a fuckbuddy? Because, as you've all been told numerous times already, I DON'T FUCK PONIES.

Disco Stu wrote:

Because everyone who throws parties is an idiot, says the guy who just sits on a stupid fanfic mocking site where people can't even fucking write anyway and make fun of twelve year olds because they're just that jealous as he drew MSPaint horsefucking porn, and everyone was glad he wasn't there bronying up everyone's awesome parties.

Way to put words in my mouth, knob-jockey.

Disco Stu wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

[portalturret]Naptime. Shutting down. I don't hate you.[/portalturret]

So your interests are horse porn and games whose fanbase is so fucking annoying that my god, I know that Portal is a good game, hell I have both fucking games but it's a fucking game so shut your fucking ass you intermeme horsesnogger

Fuck you, that was a good joke and you know it, you pissy little bitch.

Disco Stu wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

PLEASE SAY THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Please?

It could be much, much worse, yanno. Where are the speculums and cervical lickings? Torturously inserting sugar cubes into some pony's cervix???

The fan base being what it is, I'm surprised that hasn't been done yet. There are some crazy motherfuckers out there, what with the pony tulpas and shit.

Disco Stu wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

There's no cake, but there's plenty of DELICIOUS RAEP to be had, right?

you find rape to be delicious oh ho ho hey everyone xerrofoot likes to rape
his life is horseygorean

Dude, seriously. Do you even read this forum half the time? My rape kink is common knowledge around here. It used to be my schtick until Cyberwulf ruined it.

Disco Stu wrote:

xerrofoot wrote:

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Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.

those shitty drawings on their sides are their vaginas??? That would make standing in the subway *quite* awkward.

If you want to see brightly coloured pony vaginas, you can refer yourself to the fine folks at the Pony Plot Perfection Project.

Disco Stu wrote:

so while I was on hiatus was this shit the invasion of the most high functioning autistic bronies or what

because my fucking god

Sweet Goddess of hot sweaty fucking, what is it with you people and your aspie hate-boners? How would you like it if I started accusing you of having Down's Syndrome. you dippy mongoloid?

And you're homophobic too! No I don't care to read your ongoing saga of shot lording you douchewaffle. It's fucking boring. And whatever, wow way to be an insult to Down syndrome kids and go play in the street you boring shitstain. I don't give a flying, shutting pony fuck about what is going on either because

That raging boner of awesome is all in yr motherfucking empty skull babe

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And you're homophobic too!

He can't be homophobic because he's bisexual.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

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And you're homophobic too!

He can't be homophobic because he's bisexual.

He must hate himself every night he fantasizes sucking some sexy guy's junk and instead replaces it with stupid horse pictures and faps to that

You don't understand. Gay slurs are ok because they don't refer to homosexuals anymore. South Park said it so it must be true.

What I figured you were being sarcastic what with the rollyeyes

but oh yeah right southpark is the fucking bible man

Yeah man, what other show confirms all of my preconceived angsty white geek boy biases every episode?

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What I figured you were being sarcastic what with the rollyeyes

I am.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Yeah man, what other show confirms all of my preconceived angsty white geek boy biases every episode?

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What I figured you were being sarcastic what with the rollyeyes

I am.

good now we can get back to our regular scheduled viewing: Glass Houses: Stone Throwing Edition

But that's the only channel.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

But that's the only channel.

Well, we could go to tumblr where everyone only pretends to care

im reading up on ableist power dynamics and while it's definitely a thing, I'm convinced these people really don't give a shit and are only doing it to hook other hot queers into having askbox sex with them

I want the last word.

edit because now my post count is a comfortable even number

Maybe George Washington nut all over yr post count

Disco Stu wrote:

wow way to be an insult to Down syndrome kids and go play in the street you boring shitstain

You started it by being insulting to aspies, you goat-fellating shit-eater. Go fuck a dead crackwhore.

please

get fucked by a horde of moths

imagine their tiny little cocks squirming and writhing against yr skin as they pile on you in a swarm of fluffy wings and sexual frustration

i hope you wake in the night and still feel them fluttering against yr eyes as the attempt to fertilize yr tear ducts

Disco Stu wrote:

What? Fanfiction going against CANON???? HOW OUT OF CHARACTER!!!!! THE AUTHOR MUST BE HITLERINA OR SOMETHING

Oh god I laughed so hard

xerrohoof wrote:

My rape kink is common knowledge around here. It used to be my schtick until Cyberwulf ruined it.

I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

xerrohoof wrote:

How would you like it if I started accusing you of having Down's Syndrome. you dippy mongoloid?

xerrofoot wrote:

Disco Stu wrote:

wow way to be an insult to Down syndrome kids and go play in the street you boring shitstain

You started it by being insulting to aspies, you goat-fellating shit-eater. Go fuck a dead crackwhore.

He's a self-diagnosed aspie; called it

If anyone else posted about Cupcakes, this thread would've looked so much better. It IS a legitimately awful fanfic.

Snake Bandage wrote:

If anyone else posted about Cupcakes, this thread would've looked so much better. It IS a legitimately awful fanfic.

I disagree...

This fic was always going to happen - we expected it. It was always going to be in the shadow of Agony in Pink, and even beyond that, this is the sort of stuff that Happy Tree friends has, basically, been doing for years.

And to cap it off - it is actually competently written.

There's nothing shocking here.

hey hey hey

get out of my shed

xerrofoot wrote:

Sweet Goddess of hot sweaty fucking, what is it with you people and your aspie hate-boners? How would you like it if I started accusing you of having Down's Syndrome. you dippy mongoloid?

Fuck you, Snotty McAsshole. If people hate you, it's got nothing to do with you having Asperger's and everything to do with you being an arrogant, unlikable shithead.

I think I'll borrow a page from Eileen's playbook and put you on my ignore list.

Burn in hell, you self-righteous son of a bitch.