Harry Potter and the Underaged Salsa Dancer

This fic first appeared on Orange GAFF. I think it's worth a repost. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, there was a Dark Lord with a busy schedule. Take one Halloween for example. First he attended the birth of his daughter, Marina Rose. Then he murdered his wife. A few hours later, with his baby in his arms, he went off to murder the Potters. When this turned out not to have been a good idea, he absorbed the reflected Killing Curse to save Marina. When Dumbledore found her with Harry, he decided that she had to be kept away from Dark magic, so he took her to Grimmauld Place.

Welcome to Bizarro (Wizarding) World. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

This story, Black Rose of the Sea by elfangelprincess, is Not Work-Safe. Marina says that she's fourteen going on fifteen, but if she was born on the day the Potters were killed, she has to be thirteen. In any case, she's going to salsa dance all over the legal age of consent.

But that's in the not-too-distant future; for now, we get a look at Marina's life in her "Ancestral Home" [sic]. Marina calls Mrs. Black Baba and Baba calls her dear. Mrs. Black actually died when Marina was little, but “her picture is still kind to me.” (It seems to have been shellacked with Ecstacy.) "Poor dear" Kreacher and Baba-the-painting raised Marina “as their own,” but she's almost completely ignorant of the wizarding world outside 12 Grimmauld Place. She doesn’t know who Dumbledore is. She doesn't go to Hogwarts. She doesn’t know who Harry is. She doesn’t know who Voldemort was except that that was her dad’s name. She does know that Muggles are not her kind, but “I can’t… I can’t hate muggles the way she does. It’s just not in me. To be who I am would break her and Kreacher’s hearts. They’d call me blood traitors.” Nevertheless, they don’t seem to mind her having headphones, CDs, a portable karaoke machine, “trendy” and “gothic” clothes that are “low rise everything,” and salsa lessons.

Marina's Suvian flaw-that-isn't-a-flaw is a new one on me: a hyperdeveloped aesthetic sense. When she first came to Grimmauld Place, the gloomy décor was killing her--literally. Baba saved her by redecorating her rooms in baby blue and soft pink. It isn’t the color scheme she really wanted, though. Poor Marina.

To elfangelprincess’s credit, Marina has some emotional problems. Although Baba adopted her, she has lingering feelings of “pain and emptiness” because she is an orphan. She is also ambivalent about her father, probably because the information Baba and Kreacher chose to provide goes about like this: "Your father's name was Voldemort; when he married your mother, she was wearing a kimono, which we have in storage here. You were born, he killed her, and then something tried to kill you so he let it kill him instead. The end. Have a nice childhood!" This is almost crazy enough to be in character.

The plot lurches into motion late one August night during Order of the Phoenix. Marina has just returned from an unsupervised holiday at “the beach” to a warm welcome from the portrait and Kreacher. The Order moving in failed to harsh Baba’s buzz; the portrait tells Marina pleasantly, “Actually we got a number of uninvited visitors while you were gone . . . So, how was your trip?” Naturally, when Baba says “uninvited visitors,” Marina thinks “pixie infestation.”

Marina heads upstairs with something on her mind:

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As I sank into the hot water I sighed. What should I do? How long can I hide all this from my Baba and from my anonymous Muggle friends who are just mentioned to show how enlightened I am and whom I will forget as soon as the plot takes me closer to Harry Potter’s naughty bits? Hmm? I thought I just heard my bedroom door open. Well it’s probably just Kreacher. This room is guarded against all magical worries. I put my headphones on and just sank back into the tub and shut my eyes allowing my body to relax with the music--

You’re Sirius Black, you’ve been stuck for weeks in your evil family’s creepy house, and you’re still finding nasty surprises. Picking your way gingerly through a baby blue bedroom you’ve never seen before, you enter a soft pink bathroom to discover a teenager you have also never seen before dozing in a bath. Do you try Finite Incantatem in case she is an illusion covering something horrible? Do you back out, mortified, and tell Mrs. Weasley? Hint: She is emanating Suvian Stupid Rays.

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--when I felt course hands grab me and pull me up out of the tub. “What?” I screamed confused as I came face to face with one of the most gruesome looking men I’ve ever seen. Pale, skinny, lines on his face, hippie hair, not a hot teenage actor--eww! Hideous! I grabbed my towel and wrapped my body as he pulled me from the tub.

So they argue for half a page over whose Ancestral Home Grimmauld Place is until Mrs. Weasley walks in and takes Sirius downstairs so Marina can dress. (Mrs. Weasley is one of the few characters in this fic not played by somebody else. She is sensible and motherly and then she is dismissed.) Marina decides to wear something “powerful . . . to show them whose house this is.” But Mrs. Weasley said there were other people in the house; “perhaps some will be cute boys. Better look nice.” To cover both bases, she dresses like a waitress at a Chinese-American restaurant. Okay! She accessorizes with a medallion that matches the phases of the moon. She received it when she was born and never takes it off. Is it a plot point? Yep. Is elfangelprincess going to remember it? Do bears tap dance?

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I allowed my long blue-black hair to fall down to my shoulders as I looked in the mirror. I was always an enigma to people. My eyes fell to the floor with meaty little plops in the beautiful way Chinese eyes did. I always loved that. I thought the curve was beautiful, but instead of brown I had beautiful blue eyes and the most fragile pale skin because I was a zombie. Brains. Braaaainsss. My [knee-length] hair was wavy. Perfect waves every day, but for the most part I straightened it. Blue-black hair in waves even when natural just looks and feels fake to me, you know?

She leaves it wavy this time; “if they didn’t like it this way to bad for them.” (Because if you discover squatters in your house, they must be the Fashion Police!) She also has “legs . . . strong and agile. A perfect teardrop shape [due to] dancers [tight] abs.” Her sensitive ears are unused to loud noises and she smells of cherry blossoms, which have no scent, but never mind.

When she joins them downstairs, Sirius and Mrs. Weasley have a rush of brains to the head and ask her how she got past the Order's magical safeguards. Just then, Dumbledore Floos in to explain that he arranged it. He could've told the Order about Marina ahead of time, but that would have destroyed an opportunity for DUN DUN DUNNN!

Marina must have gotten home very late (or early) and taken a really long bath, because Mrs. Weasley sends her back upstairs to get ready for breakfast. Meanwhile, Dumbledore serves up some exposition:

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“Why did you say she could stay?” Sirius demanded. “She reeks of pepper jack cheese and the whiny pop music is driving me insane!”


“Because she will be the one who decides the end of the great war it is all placed in her hands DUN DUN DUNNN! and I’d rather keep her here and safe before we have to allow her near the dark.” With that he gasped for breath and left them to their thoughts. “Oh,” he turned before he left, “If you tell her or anyone else I’m fairly sure the dark will prosper so don’t tell a soul. Let’s give ourselves a fighting chance to pad this story as much as possible. Voldemort’s daughter is more powerful then her father could ever imagine.” DUN DUN DUNNN! He apparated right before Harry and Ron walked in to see a very shocked Sirius and Mrs. Weasley.

As Marina is bathing (again), she overhears two girls exploring her bedroom closet:

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“Could these have been Sirius’ mothers?” The Stupid Rays must be particularly strong today.

Slowly I opened the bathroom door, they didn’t even notice. I was fully dressed and looking quite formidable. Bratz dolls do look unnerving. “Actually, they belong to me and I’ll thank you to stop rummaging.”

They gasped as they turned to face me. “Who are you?” Asked a bushy haired brunette.

“My name’s Marina. Marina Rose Black.”

“In other words,” The brunette replied smugly, “the black rose of the sea.” Oh, come on. She’s Hermione Granger, not Eustace Scrubb!

“Yes.” I looked to where creature always put the black roses. “As you can see I am not the only black rose in this world.”

“Yes, we get it,” the brunette replied with a sigh. “Your name is special. Marina Rose Black, this is J.K. Rowling’s universe, where everybody’s name is special. You’re just another Mary Sue. Finite incantatem!” Marina disintegrated into a sticky mass of high-fructose corn syrup and printed screencaps of Daniel Radcliffe. No, she didn’t, because we’re on page 4 of 60.

Blah, blah, blah, more repetitive argument about whose house it is . . .

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“Then would u like to tell me your names before we continuing arguing further?” I implored trying to distract them with chatspeak and bad grammar.

“I’m Ginny… Weasley.” She was energetic but when the brunette glared at her she looked ashamed. Some friend. Mary Sue is feeling possessive. All potential competition must be demonized and subjugated!

“I’m Hermione Granger.” She sounded so bored. “Look,” she said tiredly, “you’re the sixty-seventh Mary Sue we’ve had to deal with since term ended. So what’s your story? Please don’t tell me Sirius has another daughter.” No, she didn’t, because we’re still on page 4 and Marina is about to deliver the traditional Mary Sue smackdown. Behold:

“Right, well I’m going down stairs I’d appreciate it if the two of you didn’t destroy anything but feel free to rummage I got some good stuff that may fit you both.” With that I waved as I swung my hips from side to side in the model like manner just to irk little miss perfect. Mary Sue wins again by the power of the motion in her ocean and her astounding rudeness! Then dropping that I yawned as I made my way downstairs. “I’m back!” I knew that was a little to perky but who cares.

The first time I read the next scene, I thought, “What are these well-written teenagers doing in this morass?” When she meets Harry and Ron, “two cute boys,” Marina blushes and stares at her feet. Ron excuses himself “to get dressed” and Marina observes naively (and to herself!) that he is dressed. Left together for a few minutes, Harry and Marina have an awkward getting-to-know-you conversation. Dropped into the middle of the scene, however, are lines that make me wonder whether this author was reading as she typed:

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“Hi Harry.” I responded gently as I sat next to him. I was still blushing feverishly and sitting next to him didn’t help. For some reason it made it worse. Probably because he’s so much more attractive than I am. It’s funny I can have such low self-esteem with a superiority complex. The spirits of all of the good characters elfangelprincess could have written guided her hand. If the automatic writing doesn’t reach her, they’ll try manifesting ectoplasm next.

“Um… I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how exactly did you get here and who are you?” He asked. I sighed. How many times would I have to answer this? Luckily Luckily? Mrs. Weasley answered for me.

“She is the daughter of a very evil wizard. He was killed the day she was born and Dumbledore brought her here. She became a Black.” Yes, lucky for Marina that Mrs. Weasley stepped in.

You’re Harry Potter, you just met a girl who grew up surrounded by Dark magic, Kreacher and Mrs. Black's portrait both like her, and Mrs. Weasley just rang the Death Eater alarm. Do you (a) make up an excuse to leave, (b) stay to keep an eye on her, or (c) compare childhood traumas? Hint: The power of a Mary Sue who wants you is greater than Imperio. Oh, and Marina has copied Harry's ability to remember his parents' death while dreaming, even though she was only hours old when hers died. Not far into this scene, however, Marina innocently mentions her father’s name and Harry has a brief attack of good characterization, choosing option A. Marina is confused and hurt. It doesn’t matter, though, because elfangelprincess don’t need no steenkin’ continuity.

Chapter 2 is titled “A Grandparents Wrath.” Has Mrs. Black’s portrait found out that baba is a disrespectful Japanese word for someone her age? Nope. Does the bad Japanese mean what you think it means? Probably. Onward!

Harry Potter Fanfic Plot Contrivance No. 143 doesn’t even happen onstage. We don’t watch Marina becoming Instant Friends with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George, and Sirius; she just is--the day after their awkward introduction (during which she called Sirius a blood traitor, by the way). Plot Contrivance No. 144 is disposed of almost as briskly:

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The next morning things were rather hectic, as we were getting ready to leave for Diagon Alley. Dumbledore had sent a note explaining that I would be going to Hogwarts this year. Time for a cameo: Obi-Wan Kenobi as Mr. Ollivander! “So.” When we were in the wand store the clerk looked at me, “I had been wondering when I would be seeing you in here, I had my doubts that I ever would.”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Ah, yes, Ms. Why Best synonym for Mary Sue ever. come to think of it I do not believe I know where you have come from you just reminded me of an old student, but his daughter is dead.”

“Ah,” I was speechless, this doesn’t happen often. I guess they’re still hoping automatic writing will work.

Do I even need to add that her wand contains a blue phoenix feather or that her owl is the color of her hair?

Time for more continuity whiplash! In Chapter 1, Marina muses that Baba wants her to marry Draco, who she knows and loathes. When they meet at Madam Malkin’s in Chapter 2, not only has she never heard of him, but she also thinks he’s “the nicest person” (he kisses her hand). Here’s what Harry has to say:

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“No, it’s just known that Draco isn’t the most caring in the world, but to you I can see even him being nice. You’re beautiful.”

“Here’s to that mate.” Ron shouted behind him. I smiled.

“Yes,” said Hermione, “which is why she should be careful around all the boys when we get to school.” We get it, Marina; you’re beautiful!

“Yes,” said Mrs. Weasley. We get it already! “And I expect you two to look after her. She’ll be in your year in all your classes to ensure that she’s safe.” And here’s Plot Contrivance No. 145!

The next day, aboard the Hogwarts Express, we discover that Lee Jordan is being played by Hugh Grant. “I’ve never seen her and I know everyone. It’s just shocking.” Terribly--ah--terribly so.
Draco is played by many characters, most of whom do the same scene. First, Professor Frank N. Furter:

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“Our newest beauty.” I heard from a compartment. I turned to find myself suddenly face to face with Draco Malfoy.

“Hello Draco.” Elfangelprincess don’t need no steenkin’ commas either.

“Hey come in.” I walked into his compartment and there were two Ape like boys, a girl with the face of one of those pug dogs, That would be Pansy Parkinson. She was Draco’s date at last year’s Yule Ball, so she doesn’t get a name. and someone with the bone structure of an overgrown monkey. “This is Crabbe, Goyle, and Flint.” Still? Did he get mononucleosis or something?

“Nice to meet all of you.”

“You two.” They all said. I smiled and looked to Draco. Silently I hoped he knew I was asking what now?

“Sit.” He responded, very nice. “Woof,” I said happily, wagging my tail.

“A very angry Fred and George” take her back to Harry, who appears to have gotten into Mrs. Black's stash of Ecstacy because he merely says "gently" that Draco wouldn't hurt Marina. Unfortunately, this is foreshadowing.

Now for some angst! To provide a plot contrivance, Marina emits more Stupid Rays, making George blurt out her parentage in front of Luna Lovegood. Marina storms out and tells us what's been on her mind: she has recently developed Suvian mood eyes and some other, unspecified oddities. "Somehow I didn't think these changes were normal." No, really? Because she doesn’t want people to know that she isn't normal, she runs through the cars, climbs the ladder at the end in full view of the other students, and stands on top of the moving train for a while. When she comes back down, she meets Draco again. He pulls her into an empty compartment and reprises his one scene; this time, he’s played by Prince Humperdinck.

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“Your Voldemort’s Hey! daughter. I am one of his loyal followers. Don’t you see how this match could ensure certain prospects for me?” DUN DUN DUNNN! Just then all the magical locks were broken and the doors were thrown open.

“You two,” said a tall man with flaming red hair. He reminded me of Ron. “Is this the compartment where your things are?”

“No.” I replied instantly. At least Percy gets to be useful in a badfic for once.

“Then I suggest you get to them the ministry is conducting a search of the train. Assumingly Dumbledore has so secret ‘weapon’.” Maybe I should just put DUN DUN DUNNN! on a loop and call it “Marina’s Imperial March.” I ran out back to my compartment and to Harry--

Cornelius Fudge (“Not very attractive I must say.”) is using Dementors to search for the secret weapon. Naturally, Marina is unaffected. Fudge decides that she is a suspicious character because there are gaps in her transcript, so he has a Dementor feed on her so it can tell him what it sees in her memories. She's immune, of course. Fudge is so befuddled by this that he lets the Dementor administer the Kiss--because unattractive men are stupid. Then Marina gets to stare blankly up at Harry as he weeps over her “empty shell.” Unfortunately, this is just a setup for Mary Sue’s traditional vindication scene, which is a doozy!

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Suddenly the wind picked up and the skies became dark as night. All the plants surrounding the train withered up and burst into flames. A woman, so young and beautiful, appeared. She was covered from her head to her toes in vines. She wore a simple light brown tunic her long red curls slowly flowing down to caress her back. According to the author, this description is from a painting in her humanities classroom. She looked angry. Soon beside her a man in a long black tunic with hair that was made of blue flames M-I-C! K-E-Y! M-O-U-S-E! appeared at her side. So, he’s beside her, then. His pale complexion unlike hers was not tanned from the sun, but paled from being away from it for to long. So, it’s pale, then. She had amber eyes, while his were a deep sapphire blue. Pre-Raphaelite!Demeter and Cartoon!Hades exchanged eyeballs instead of wedding rings.

“Who, who are you?” Fudge asked frightened.

“I am Demeter. You have brought my spirit back to this plane after eons. You who would threaten the grandchild of a Goddess.”

“And I am Hades. Lord of the Underworld. Her dear mother my beautiful Queen of Darkness. Well she is only a stepchild I have always loved and watched over her as my own. You have stolen all of my commas. Now you would threaten the one whom my dear Persephone gave her life and immortality for?”

Why the gods of Olympus were in this crappy story was a mystery. One thing was for sure they were angry. “I’m sorry.” Fudge cried. “There was nothing I could do. I tried to order them to stop but by then it was to late they kissed her. They ate her soul.”

“Nonsense.” Hades roared. “If they had eaten her soul don’t you think I’d be the first to know of it. Where do you think they’re food goes once it’s digested?” Can’t . . . stop . . . giggling . . .

Demeter tells Marina (“dearest,” “sweetheart”) to get up as if it were time for breakfast. All better now!

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“Marina.” Harry threw his arms around me.

“Harry.” I was surprised Yeah, right., but I soon composed myself and wrapped my arms around him. “It’s alright. I’m okay.”

“You boy.” Hades looked to Harry. “I deem you her protector. If anything happens to my Persephone’s precious child it will be on your soul.” With that he and his propane hair disappeared. Foomp!

“Remember our warnings.” Demeter called. “Do not make us return, or else you all shall suffer.” She disappeared right after him.

Hermione then delivers an expository chunk about Persephone, including the solemn announcement, "You have the blood of the gods in you." With Fudge being the Designated Doofus, it’s hardly surprising that he and Percy are the only two people in the compartment who don't immediately conclude that Marina is the secret weapon.

That evening, she broods over the “weapon” thing:

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“Ugh.” I buried myself in a pillow in the Gryfindor common room. They sorted me separately so not to make me to apparent to the school. Hair down to her knees, eyes like a Blythe doll, stood on top of the Hogwarts Express while it was in motion, got Kissed by a Dementor and her stepdad came roaring to the rescue with his hair on fire . . . yes, Sorting her separately should make everybody forget all about it. Everyone else was down at the feast but I was so sad. I decided not to go.

But Ginny convinces her to join the feast with a cute little pout and a reassurance that "Evil people as well as good attend here. They don't discriminate like that." (So being an evil person is like being a Plain-bellied Sneetch?) Ginny pleads some more and Marina finally agrees. Ginny is being nice because she has a boyfriend, Seamus Finnegan, who is played by the Lucky Charms leprechaun, begorrah. He tells Marina that his Irishness gives him the power to identify girls who sing beautifully just by looking at them. Póg mo thóin, Marina. It’s time for Mary Sue to sop up some sympathy, so Kreacher and Baba are suddenly chopped liver. Marina was rescued from her “boring and overrated” “normal life” by the Order of the Phoenix and she’s so grateful that she can’t help crying over dinner, impressing Seamus. Now that she has added him to her collection, he drops out of the story. Lucky him.

Seconds later, it’s time for more DUN DUN DUNNN! The author applies another plot device, rendering Marina unconscious so she can meet her mother in a vision. Persephone welcomes her with "earsplitting" music. (My money is on either "I Wanna Be Anarchy" or "You Shook Me All Night Long.") Marina, by the way, is surprised that her mother isn't ugly because, you know, she hangs out with dead people and stuff. Who wouldn't want such a daughter?

Now Black Rose of the Sea ascends into true godawfulness. Is Marina a demigoddess in order to work the Olympians into the Wizarding World? Does Hades' propane hair mean that this is a Disney crossover? Nope. I'll let Persephone explain it:

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“Yes, you are a young Youkai, normally it’s only right for you to mate soon.”

“I’m a…”

“I’m sorry,” she truly looked it. “When I ate of the underworld food I became not only a goddess, but also a demon, and that demonic blood resides in you. You’re an unholy hybrid of wish fulfillment and fanon. You’ve always known it.”

Yep. Persephone is here to provide the lamest justification ever for writing Inuyasha-style demons in Harry Potter. Naturally, she's a beautiful and heretofore unheard-of white tigress demon. What's more, the demon ancestry is being used as the lamest justification ever for Mary Sue to have underaged sex with her lust object. Where are the Furies when they're needed?

You’re Harry Potter, aged fifteen, and you’ve fallen for a gorgeous girl you met a few days ago who is related to Voldemort and to the Olympians--overlook the absurdity for the moment. She was knocked out, so you’re at her bedside in the Hospital Wing. When she wakes up, she tells you that she is not only part goddess, but also part demon; she also says that her dead goddess mother wants her to “mate,” “hopefully before the school year is through.” Then this happens:

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“What kind of demon are you?” I flashed him a fang filled smile as he searched my face, when he saw my fangs [and claws and amber eyes and heard me growling] he recoiled in fear. My tail came comfortably I haven’t felt it in so long it felt so good. I would have never thought to mention it to them without that dream. It was white with black strips running down it.

“Guess.” I purred at him, I didn’t know it at the time but it was seductively. When my youkai form took over my body did feel the desire to mate more than just my mother wanting too. Ew! Persephone! Yuck! I wanted to. I couldn’t help it, I kissed him and ate his face, because in Inuyasha a creature like you only looks like a full demon when in the grip of berserker rage. Bad crossover! No biscuit!

So, anyway, do you run for help? Do you pull free and aim your wand at the monster? Or do you neck with it? Hint: This is not a multiple-choice question. Mary Sue wants your Potsticles.

Stay tuned!

Hearing grownups approaching, the lovers duck out of the Hospital Wing. Harry demonstrates that Mary Sue is working him like a puppet:

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“So about this mate bit? Planning on choosing me?” Is he talking about sex or cricket?

"You wouldn’t be able to handle mating with me.” I told him. “I have herpes.”

He smirked as he replied, “Want to bet?” Han Solo IS James Bond IN Harry Potter: Return of the Mary Sue Who Loved Me! I could feel my fangs growing. “OW! I bi’ my ‘ongue! Could you handle that no matter what I’d be pregnant with your child.” I began to caress his chest. “Just imagine it . . . the stares and whispers . . . people counting on their fingers to see if you’re old enough to be a child molester . . . the Cesarean I’ll probably have to have because my pelvis is too small . . . Hey, maybe if I deliver vaginally, I’ll get a fistula! Wouldn’t that be great?”

“I almost lost you once. Some how after that being bound to you in such a way doesn’t bother me. You have sucked out the dregs of my free will. I am your green-eyed sex toy.”

“When I mate it will be for life and you are young. I will have plenty of time to attach myself to your belly and fuse my circulatory system with yours. Like anglerfish, but in reverse.”

“Take me for life.” He whispered.

Albus Dumbledore interrupts them and questions her privately:

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“You are a demon are you not?” Blunt huh? I was thinking more "bemused."

“Yes.”

“And you are around the age where you are hunting for a mate, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“And you are to choose one in this school.”

“Yes.”

“You know,” Dumbledore said mildly, “when I woke up this morning with thoughts of my newest student bobbing about in my head, I thought I was remembering a particularly nauseating nightmare. Apparently not. Finite incantatem!” No, he didn’t, because this is only chapter 3. “Very well. I must give you this advice though, don’t give into your instincts, choose wisely, someone both your demonic and human side could live with.” Thank you, Dr. Ruth!

Marina realizes that “my demon side was thrown into fits around Harry, but my human side. That was just confused.” Harry’s solution is a date by the lake so they can “get to know each other a little better.”

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He smiled at me, “We’re already on one.” I laughed. I wonder will there ever be a time when I stop learning new things about myself. Look, it isn’t working. Try the ectoplasm. I’m sure that day will come, and when it does the final battle will begin… Hey, didn’t Dumbledore say something about the Dark prospering if Marina found this stuff out? Actually, that explains a lot. I roughly pushed those thoughts aside as I spent the day learning and laughing and talking and talking and talking with Harry at my side.

“So,” sun set came all to soon, I learned so much about Harry, his life has been almost as hard as mine--‘cause I have a baby-blue room when I wanted blue and lavender, and I have to make all these decisions about what to wear, and the House-Elf who waits on me hand and foot is soooo ugly--only he’s mortal. We are running from the same person. My damn father! I hate him. He will not hurt or take Harry from me. I gasped, does this mean that I actually am beginning, why did I think that?

“Marina?” Harry was waving his hand in front of my face smiling. I would not let that beautiful smile go out. I would change his batteries. I promise myself right here and now.

By the way, Dumbledore said that Voldemort may be hiding in the Forbidden Forest, which isn't a problem for Marina because he can't kill her, so Harry shouldn't worry. Anyway, here’s Marina on celebrity:

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“You’re famous, but you try to spend your whole life acting normal. All my life I’ve been to odd to be normal, but all I’ve ever dreamed of is being famous. Of having people accept me worldwide the way they accept you.” Read my lips: Ectoplasm!

And then we get Marina on motherhood. It turns out that even though she is only thirteen--excuse me, “fifteen”--and was living in London (and had never heard of this old guy who runs this school a short walk away from Hogsmeade), she’s been singing at the Hog’s Head for a long time:

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“I make more than enough to support my kids and myself when it comes to it. I even make enough to hire a baby sitter.”

“But don’t you want to finish school? Come to think of it, don’t you want to start school?”

“Well when Dumbledore spoke to me about looking for mate in this school he didn’t seem to mind me looking.” Harry just nodded. “So for your mating you’ve got everything figured out.”

“Well yeah, plus I know it’s not just theory because I’ve supported young kids on my wages. I adopted a baby kitsune. He’s my little baby. He left though. I haven’t seen him for a while. That was the week I got this weird call from, like, this dog pound on my answering machine, saying they were going to, like, put down my dog if I didn’t come to claim it, but I don’t have a dog, so I erased the message. What were we talking about?”

“Oh.” Harry stared at his hands finding them suddenly fascinating. “Wouldn’t you rather mate with a demon, you child-neglecting weirdo? Why do you want to get into my pants?”

Having declared her plan to become a dropout as well as a teenage mother, she must prove that she’s smart. Time for Hermione to get another smackdown! By the way, Ron and Hermione were hiding in the bushes, because that's the only way they could spy on the happy couple; what do you think they would use instead, magic or something?

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“Well, we wanted to know what was going on between you two.” Hermione looked on the verge of tears as she said it.

“And you couldn’t ask?” Harry snapped. I began to purr louder as his anger peaked making his heat grow. I knew my purring was having an effect on him. It made him want to scratch behind my ears and feed me kibble. How did I manage to keep this under lock and key all this time? This part of me that made it so I could never be normal. The part of me I despised, the part that frightened me for so long, I was now embracing it. What is happening to me? Some how I know I know the answer to that question I just can’t find it and I don’t care about it either. ECTO--never mind.

As the two make out in front of her, Hermione points out the obvious problem:

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“Do you not get the meaning of demon?”

“I do, I think you don’t.” That’s Harry speaking. Translation: “Run! Save yourselves!”

“We come mostly during the time of wars.” I told her, “The irony smell of the fresh, rustic blood calls to us.” Ma’am, please step away from the thesaurus. She suddenly looked to Ron. I knew I was speaking seductively and not even he could resist anymore. Hermione instantly slapped him. “Harry may soon be a demon.” I whispered in her ear, so low that only she could hear. “Could be worse, I could go for Malfoy,” with that I spoke to them in my normal voice. “I’m heading back to the common room.” With a wave I left them all there, I heard Hermione collapse. [Genie]Marina, Marina, she’s our gal. If she can’t do it--GREAT![/Genie]

Time for a reprise from Draco! This time, he’s played by Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham, pinning Marina to “a wall that spun into a secret chamber” and purring lines like, “I know who you are, your father gave you to me” and “That sounds so good, growl for me.” The Trio scare Draco away--they find the two in a hallway, which suggests that the spinning wall kept spinning, which is par for this fic--then make awkward conversation:

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“So umm…” she still seemed uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, I’ve only read bad things about demons.”

“They come about during times of war and bloodshed, naturally people wouldn’t be to thrilled about them.”

Hermione sighed. “Did you know that the only creature that is called a demon in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a kind of parasitic pig? Oh, it’s nightfall.” She commented.

“Really?” Suddenly I realized something. “Hermione, do you know what the moon is tonight?”

“I believe it’s a new moon tonight, according to that medallion you always wear, why?” Well, duh. Because DUN DUN DUNNN!

Marina has a weakness! Like Inuyasha, she turns human on the night of the new moon; she becomes “small and frail” as if she were “made of paper” and her hair turns blonde, shortening to mid-back length. The bad news is that her weakness is an excuse to get her alone with Harry in the Room of Requirement. The worse news is that Mary Sue is worming her way into his past as well as his present and future: when they enter the Room, it has become "the unicorn's pool," a place in the Forbidden Forest at the foot of a hill on which there is a mango tree for some reason. They sit under it together and Marina talks some more. See, when Marina was eight--excuse me, “ten”--she was alone in the Forbidden Forest and the unicorns sacrificed one of their own to Voldemort so that he would be too distracted to find her. Because Professor Quirrell the Dark Arts expert couldn’t possibly have killed one by himself. HANDS OFF THE UNICORNS, PAPER GIRL!

Although she feels safe by the unicorns’ pool--safe because it's so beautiful, this being Sueworld--Marina is terrified because she is now mortal. (Technically, she’s a demigoddess even at the new moon, but she doesn’t know what happened to her “goddess side.” “I get the feeling that plays into my frailty.” Okay!) Terror notwithstanding, she still has her hand firmly up Harry’s bunghole, as shown by the way she makes him burble stuff like this:

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“My dear, please will you sing for me?”

“All you’ll here right now is fear.”

“Even so, let me hear your beautiful voice.”

She obliges with “Whisper” by Evanescence. Then Puppet!Harry strokes her ego some more:

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“Is that truly how you feel? You’re ready to give up everything for everyone else? What about you?”

"Why do I matter?”

“You do matter, greatly. We’re going to stay here till morning breaks.”

But enough of that. Time to par-tay! “I was planning on shaking a little salsa, it would distract him to learn.” So she wishes up a barely-there dress accessorized with heels and silver jewelry. “I think this was part of Harry’s imagination to.” Yuh-huh.

I knew zilch about salsa dancing until I did half an hour’s grueling research online. Salsa can be flashy and racy, but the basic step requires less touching than the waltz. Some U.S. salsa clubs are places to meet your grandparents as well as your date. As for the UK, London is a salsa hotspot and was the first time I sporked this thing too. But I digress.

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“It’s a Latino dance. It’s a beautiful sensual dance.”

“I see,” he smiled. “And why do you enjoy this dance?”

“Firstly because you Brits Psst! Mary Sue! Your author is showing! get all out of sorts when it’s done. It’s beyond not proper. I mean, it belongs in a country where one of the biggest newspapers features naked boobies every day―oh, wait. Secondly because dance is the second best form of non-verbal communication.”

“What’s the first?”

“Mime, silly! Here’s your face paint.”

Marina gives a beginning salsa lesson in please-make-it-stop detail; they dance and neck, then Marina wears the dress to breakfast in the Great Hall. (“Why not? I’m Salsa worthy.”) On the way, Draco snags her for another reprise. This time he is played by a nameless Z-list Tim Curry wannabe using a script even the Sci Fi Channel wouldn’t touch. Marina doesn’t have to be rescued this time; instead, she scares Draco off with a warning shot of “divine lightning.” Were her batteries still charging all the other times?

On we go . . .

Harry and Marina must have been dancing for weeks because it’s already the first Hogsmeade weekend. Hermione delightedly announces that she is going with Ron, so Marina generously helps her look "hot." Now that she is on the way to marrying off a rival, it's time for more angst! (For the purposes of this story, a rival is any girl who has ever said something nice to Harry. Yes, I said any girl.) Harry invites Marina to a school-wide blood drive (Blood-Replenishing Potion? What's that?), but she runs off to cry by the lake instead. Harry, of course, follows:

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“Look Harry, I can’t give blood. I’m a diabetic.” I lifted my uniform so he could see the pump. Actually I decided to send my robes away to my dorm. It was easy for me. She’s a walking, talking black hole of specialness! “I don’t know if they’d take my blood or what would happen if it was put into a non diabetic if they did take it.” Nothing if she’s been keeping her blood sugar stable. I got this info from a diabetic GAFFer, but just for giggles, I tried finding it myself online. It took me two minutes and I was still on dialup at the time.

“Diabetic?”

“Please don’t ask. . . . and talking and talking . . . But that isn’t all. I also have hyper-thyroids That’s hyperthyroidism (one minute), which can lead to upset bowels, a sweaty red face, and a staring gaze (two minutes). and weak bones.”

“And a pretty messed up childhood.” He sighed.

“Hyper-thyroids that will eventually kill me No (five minutes). if diabetes doesn’t. Harry I’m not healthy I’m not a good person for you to love. Try Pansy. She has good childbearing hips.”

“So what? I want to love you anyway. It’s my choice isn’t it?”

“But it’s a bad one. Go meet Cho today, tell her you love her. I can see in your eyes you care for her.”

To nudge him along, Marina agrees to go to Hogsmeade with Draco. Now that she is with him of her own free will, he doesn't have much to say. He is flabbergasted when she takes him to the Hog's Head (where she still works), orders sugar-free butterbeer (which she convinced the owner to stock), and explains her insulin pump. After an hour, he lamely takes his leave.

Harry runs up to her and says that he just called poor Cho "Marina." And then:

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“Marina, I need you to love me.” He breathed as his lips gently held mine. “Mawina, I ‘ee’ ‘oo ‘oo ‘uh me.” Hope he had a Tic-Tac earlier.

“Harry.” I lips locked passionately Huh? as he held me in his arms. His hand found it’s way up my neck; his fingers gently wrapped my hair around themselves. Thing, you sly dog!

Suddenly we heard a loud, “Ahem.”

“Dumbledore.” Harry stumbled out the name, as we instantly pulled apart. POP! went our lips.

“So,” he smiled at me, basking in the warm glow of the Ecstacy I had surreptitiously swapped for his lemon drops. “You have chosen then?”

“Yes,” I smiled. “I can’t wait for my ankles to swell up like baseballs!”

“Even when your human side wanted to push him away.”

“I still love him. He’s the one my human and demon side can live with.”

“So he will be your mate?”

“Yes,” Harry replied soundly. “After all, I’ve known her for almost a week!”

“Then I suggest you mate before the 3rd full moon from now.” I see that Marina has two puppets this afternoon. What happens if she has to scratch her nose?

“I will not mate right away.”

“You have three moons.” He said. “A Polyjuice accident, I presume? But what were you trying to turn yourself into? After that, I’m not sure how things will go.”

I looked to Harry who nodded. “We will sir.”

He nodded and left. Marina: faster than a fifteen-dollar hooker. More powerful than Grindelwald. Able to leap canyon-sized plotholes in a single illogical bound.

“Harry, are you sure this is what you want? Wouldn’t you rather be at the Hog’s Head right now, recruiting for Dumbledore’s Army? Haha! I’m such a kidder! Now tell me all about myself.”

“Yes, as I said I love you with all your parts and flaws. To me you are perfection incarnate for lack of a better word.” If she strokes her ego any more, it’s going to develop a rash.

Ron sensibly--I mean stupidly--thinks Dumbledore is crazy, but Hermione, her will broken, merely suggests "meekly" that the Headmaster’s request is “a little to strange, don’t you think?” Then, conveniently, it turns out that there is an "ancient prophecy" so ridiculous that my snark broke:

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“When the dark prince loses his bloom, his small princess shall he doom, upon his wife’s death, and upon her birth she is sold to the mini prince whose heart is colder than the winter earth. But though this may seem like her last a strange event will come to pass, enemies for so long unknown have now a friendship that will have grown. Her true mate she’ll find by his side, bound to him glowing with pride. By her 16th year upon this earth, she will have given birth. By his side shall she stand as good conquers evil by her hand.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“I don’t quite know, but your sixteenth year is in one year correct?” It's already Halloween? But they just started school a few days ago! My head hurts.

“Yes, that’s why you said in three months, that would fulfill the prophecy.”

Marina goes off to think-at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Hi, Dad! Then Hagrid shows up:

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“I see you have met my beautiful daughter.” He hand stroked my cheek as he still held me close. I could feel my eyes changing colors as he pulled the string in my back.

“Marina! Blimey, what are you doing to her?”

“Nothing, you see the change in her eyes? She finds my voice comforting Hagrid. This is a comfort she hasn’t felt since Potter took me out. She was so sure that I would have the best blind date ever!” I felt my body become lax and sleepy, my eyes, which had been turning violet, were now turning gray. The Forbidden Forest has mirrors conveniently mounted on every tree. “Marina?” My father asked as he looked into my eyes. Those cold eyes were the last thing I saw before I passed out.

She wakes up in Malfoy Manor with Draco--as himself!--by her side. She can't move, but she isn't worried; it only feels like the onset of a diabetic coma, no big. She asks for oatmeal with Sweet'n'Low and a maid brings it right away. But wait! That's no maid; that's an avatar of Persephone! By feeding Marina the magical sugar-free oatmeal, she restores the strength that Voldemort drained away! The mini-prince and Lord Voldemort alike must FEAR THE POWER OF THE CATGIRL!

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Licking my fangs I spoke slowly, “Ow! I bi’ my ‘ongue again! How do I get back to Hogwarts?” They both cowered in fear now that they knew their plan to win me had failed. I flexed my claws hoping I didn’t have to shed their blood just yet…

“Harry!” I yelled as I ran up the boy staircase. “Harry!” It was the middle of the night, I threw open the door to the dormitory--waking the four other boys who slept there--and ran to where Harry’s bed was. He wasn’t in it. “Harry?” Where could he be?

I walked around the school searching for him, calling his name. I didn’t care who knew I was up and out of bed, OI! PEEVES! I doubted I’d be in trouble if Dumbledore had anything to say about it. He has assured the students that he plans to have Marina spayed. It was then I came to the wall that held the room of requirement. I saw that the door was already there. Slowly I opened it and asked it to disappear behind me just as I had done when Harry had brought me here a week ago. Evidently I’d been unconscious for a while. A week to be exact, Wow! I never would’ve guessed. I can’t imagine what people thought without my all-controlling hand up their behinds. I looked around, the unicorns flew by at lightning speed, frantically searching for the door. I knew Harry had to be here somewhere, no one else could have gotten this room to look this way, except maybe Hagrid, but I already knew he was in his cabin. Suddenly I heard music: “Hello” by Evanescence. I guess the Room of Requirement gets good FM reception.

She follows the music “to it source,” which turns out to be Harry-don’t ask me how that works--who is lying on the ground emitting “wails.” Perhaps they are wails of manic laughter, because he doesn’t make much sense when he sees her looking down at him:

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“There were flowers…” He smiled. Duh?

“Marina!” He ran What, the whole three feet? and threw his arms around me.

“Harry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hagrid said, Voldemort had taken you, and that he was lucky to have escaped with his life. You should have seen him. They thought he was did, they did crucio so many times on him.” Instantly tears welled up in my eyes. “He’s alright though, and thank god so are you.” He kissed my forehead as he held me close. His embrace felt as though he’d never let go of me. I had to pee.

“Oh, Harry,” I reached up and pulled his lips down to meet mine, “OW!” he yelled. “Let GO!” tears still streaming from my eyes. So she’s going to have sex with Harry while thinking of Hagrid? She really is going to collect them all. Slowly we found our way to the ground, which was hard to do because the gravity had gone out. Harry climbed on top of me. “The view up here is great,” he said happily.

Then they break the law. But wait! There’s more! Marina goes catgirl again. There is mutual neck-biting, which turns Harry into a demon too. (Is this in Inuyasha? Of course not, silly!) As part of our special bonus offer, their encounter was the demonic equivalent of a wedding! (No, this isn’t in Inuyasha either. They plan to get married the human way over Christmas break as well so that Marina can fill two chapters with wedding blather.) It’s two, two, two Sues in one: Marina conceives within minutes! And you also get a surprise gift--the title of this chapter is “Pups.” What a deal!

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We walked down to breakfast the next morning. Harry’s hand was on my waist, he looked very smug; Both our wounds from last night were hidden so no one was the wiser. “Hey, isn’t that Potter with the new girl? Wasn’t she howling his name all over the school late last night? I heard that he didn’t come back to his dormitory all night long, hur hur. What’s with the matching neckscarves? And where’s he got his hand? OooOOOooh!” Harry looked human right now, but like me he could also now become a demon.

“Well, looking smug this morning aren’t we Mr. Potter?” Snape, who is being played by a toon in this cameo, my least favorite teacher came into view. “We do not permit students to show such signs of affection, at least not while I’m trying to eat.” Gently I growled and Snape seemed to back a way a bit, though his feet did not move. I’m thinking the Judge in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? when he saw the steamroller coming at him.

“Yes, Professor,” Harry purred. It’s amazing to see how much he enjoyed his new abilities. Hey, I can purr too. I can also whistle a recognizable tune. VOLDEMORT, PH34R MY 733T DEMONIC SKILLZ!

Stay tuned!

Anyway, they show off their newly deflowered demonic specialness to Hermione and Ron. We are treated to yet another Suvian smackdown. Hermione seems to personify the reader’s common sense, which must be bludgeoned into submission; due to elfangelprincess’s slapdash research, it goes like this:

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“Harry,” she whispered, “You, you, with her… the fallen one? You guys started that indie rock band from Maryland? Dude, you rule!”

“Been reading up on my mother and I have you Hermione?” I smiled. “Yes, I’m Galactus’s first herald. It’s nice to be recognized. Now die, puny mortals!”

“They would have thrown you out of the gates of Olympus!” She roared at me. “If you’re a half-Greek demigoddess, I’m Martina Navratilova!”

“I have done nothing wrong or immoral with my life Hermione, the only reason they’d have to throw me off Olympus was my relationship with Harry, and nothing to do about it now.” I snapped at her. Yes, ‘cause the Greek gods would never have countenanced a roll in the hay with a morta-oh, wait . . .

I could hear Harry purring in my ear, which tickled like hell. “Calm down,” he whispered, “forgive them, they mean well.”

Dumbledore shows up to give his blessing again, but Hermione, grimly holding on to shreds of her canon self, deduces that Marina must be pregnant and points out the obvious problem:

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“Harry, your so young, you can’t support a child, this is madness.”

“Not for Demon’s Hermione. They aren’t like us.” [Tom Servo]Because they have--trust funds? Marsupial pouches? What?[/Tom Servo]

“But what happened to her goddess part?” Ron asked. “It seems as though she’s been all demon. Yowling, purring, pointing her rear end at anybody and anything, rolling around on the floor . . . ”

“That’s because she has. Her mother, Persephone, after partaking of the fruits of the underworld was forced to be a goddess for six months with her mother, and a demon with Hades for the other six. The curse carries on to her.” Yuh-huh.

Now that she has been defeated once more, it’s time for Hermione to deliver an after-breakfast expository chunk:

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“So, Harry is a…” Ron stopped short.

“Yes, Ron, I’m a demon.” He replied.

“You are, immortal then.” Hermione asked. “Look, I realize that you abandoned most of your commas by a highway, but would it be too much trouble to obedience-train the few you have left?”

“Yes,” that’s how it’s supposed to work then. I suddenly realized, he supposed to beat my father using my immortality. DUN DUN DUNNN!

“So my love, what do we do now?”

“Try to keep her father from finding out,” Hermione answered for us.

“Her father?” Ron asked. Clearly he wasn’t getting any of this. Why is Ron always stupid in Suefics?

“Marina is considered the fallen one.” Hermione began to explain again. “A half mortal, there was a prophecy that Persephone gave her own immortality up to allow her daughter these abilities. That prophecy ties into the one with Harry and Lord Voldemort.” Which she learned how? I watched as Ron flinched but Hermione kept going, “Voldemort is her father.”

“What?” Ron yelled. See? Rocks, box of, dumber than.

"That’s something to decide for another day,” Harry said as I ran out of the room to vomit. "Marina?” He called after me as they heard my retching. “I think this might be a bit harder to hide then I thought.”

Luckily, Snape has assigned the fifth-year class a potion to hide the symptoms of pregnancy. As class begins, Draco does his little thing. This time, he’s played by some dim-witted sleazebag in a bar. Actually, everybody's a dimwit in this scene: Harry growls at Draco, who is across the room, and he doesn't notice--but neither do any of the other students nor Professor Severus "Suspicious Bastard" Snape. Malfoy threatens Marina with “an abortion spell” if he finds out that she and Harry have “mated.” I guess he didn't notice the neckscarves or the PDAs either. Snape's morning sickness cure, by the way, uses rat tail, dragon scale, and toadstools. Snape, you clever devil. You’ll rid us of her yet!

Hermione volunteers to make the potion for Marina, but it has to mature for a week. This is supposed to provide some dramatic tension as Marina has to run for the loo after class. Her classmates, worried that she might be ill, suggest the Hospital Wing--I mean, the "nurses' office." Instead, Marina leads Harry to the Room of Requirement (past students putting textbooks into their battered lockers as the electronic lunch bell rings over the PA system and the sounds of cheerleaders practicing on the football field filter in from outside--OK, OK, I'll stop).

Marina lays down the law: they must hide their relationship so Voldemort won't attack. Just then, Umbridge somehow finds the Room of Requirement, so Harry and Marina have to hide until she leaves for DADA. Because Marina has missed most of her classes so far, Harry hurriedly outlines the canon plot for her as they are sitting down at their desks. This earns him more detention with Umbridge, who says, “I can’t have you corrupting this beautiful young woman now can I?” Ew.

Marina sneaks after Harry and watches his detention. In a telling slip of the keyboard, she describes how “over and over the words, I must not tell lies, we etched into his skin.” Then she reveals that her special prophecy wasn’t special enough. Now she’s going to save the world!

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“Your scarred body will be the one to save this earth.” I told him serenely.

“Your scarred soul is what will save the earth.” I smiled.

“We’ll save it together. I now realize why we had to mate. And why we only had a chance to save our planet.”

“Why did you figure this out by watching Umbridge torture me? Marina,” Harry said nervously, “you’re acting really creepy.”

“Malfoy is right, I was promised to him. “If I chose him over you then the dark side would gain my immortality and power. It had to remain with you, so that the light could overcome the dark and not the other way around. And remember, your life has been almost as hard as mine!”

After Harry installs a lock on the Room of Requirement, Marina gets her dream suite; the bedroom is lavender "with blue tones everywhere" and a heart-shaped silver bed, while "the bathroom was a gentle green with a soft pink tub and the lights were all different colors of soft hues." But where’s the life-sized Malibu Barbie?

The new plumbing brings Moaning Myrtle, who says she is worried about Harry's safety because Marina is a demon. (I guess she's afraid of parasitic pigs.) The plot, such as it is, comes to a screeching halt so that Marina can defeat one more rival, no matter how preposterously unlikely. Maybe she should just pee in a circle around him. First, Harry reassures Marina of her absolute domination yet again. Then, Marina talks and talks and TALKS until Myrtle agrees that Harry is better off alive and leaves Marina with a pledge of friendship. After that, Marina must convince herself that Harry never had serious feelings for the whiny ghost in the girls’ bathroom. Because, you know, destined mate and love and trust and stuff. (This scene may have been written to showcase Marina's previously mentioned insecurity. If she weren't such a boorish, self-absorbed little jerk, it might have redeemed her a bit.)

Marina can’t sleep for thinking about the problems she and Harry are facing, so she goes for a walk. Draco finds her in the Great Hall. This time, he’s played by-well, I’m not sure, but it’s lame. Marina is rescued by her new empathic link with Harry, who comes jumping down the stairs like the Jersey Devil just as Malfoy disappears.

The next day, when Harry and Marina look at the clock on the wall in their shower (don’t ask):

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“Noon?” I yelled. “Harry, we have to get to lunch. We’ve been out of the common rooms all night and its not like we can say we went down early as we missed breakfast!” We hurried to get dressed. He grabbed a black shirt that even though it was a medium that fit him when he was younger, the massive muscle he obtained from quidditch Aaand here's Harry Potter Fanfic Plot Contrivance no. 146. Because Suvian lust objects can never be ordinary teenage boys, even when they are. made it stretch across his chest. He put on a tight pair of jeans that Sirius had bought for him. Sirius is a panderer now? I grabbed a lavender skirt and a baby blue blouse that showed a nice amount of pregnancy-induced cleavage.

To deflect suspicion, Marina wears Lily’s engagement ring, which outshines Princess Diana's. Okay! To further deflect suspicion, they go straight to the gates of the school, where Ron and Hermione meet them with news: they're engaged too! Because the Stupid Rays are particularly strong today, Marina has to remind them that their parents may have something to say. Naturally, she gets to read their mail.

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Dear Hermione,

I think it’s wonderful dear. You’ve never been one for rash decisions, if this is truly what you believe is best, we support you whole-heartedly. We understand that we may not be able to attend your wedding, but we expect at least a videotape of it, is that understood? If so than your mother and me wish you all the happiness in the world.

Love,
Your parents
PS: Please, please, please, please tell Marina that we have obeyed her every command and we will not soil her triumph with our Muggle presence. The man with the propane hair is scaring your mother.

“Well,” Ron said after reading it, “That’s one reaction, let’s see what my mother had to say.”

Ronald Weasely! How could you? You are not nearly ready for this kind of responsibility. We didn’t even know you and Hermione were an item let alone that you’d wish to get married in your fifth year. I know that you’ve liked each other for a long time dear, but what brought about this insanity. But I suppose you’re reading this with Hermione, congratulations dear, it’s not that I don’t approve of you, or your thoughts in the matter, it’s purely my sons. Oh dear, tell me what struck this madness and then perhaps we’ll talk.

“Wow,” was all I could say after reading that. “You’re mom is truly a wonderful person.” I told him. “She alone has managed to defy me. But this is a slight delay in my plan to DOMINATE THE WORLD. MUAHAHAHAHAAA!”

“After that outburst?” Ron asked, his face was completely red.

“Sure, just write back explaining why you and Hermione are doing this.”

“Right.” He took out a piece of parchment and began to scribble out a letter.

Dear Mum,
Hermione is a wonderful person whom I’ve loved since the minute I saw her. You of all people should know that time is growing short. I don’t want to regret anything in my life, so I wish to marry her now. Life’s to short and unpredictable not to live it to the fullest while you can.
Ron

“Not exactly awe inspiring, but I suppose it will do.” That’s Marina talking.

She also decides to design Hermione's dress. But first, she must make Hermione cry by singing "I Won't Say I'm In Love" from Disney's Hercules and Hermione must apologize for worrying about Harry getting involved with a parasitic pig. Marina magnanimously forgives her. Time to exercise her aesthetic sense!

Although Marina dreamed of wearing her mother’s “wedding kimono,” she forgets all about it now that she’s actually engaged. Instead, she pulls roll after roll of material from under “my bed.” (Harry who?) She has “white fabric, chicken wire, thread, and soft silk with leaves sewn into the pattern, as well as some stuffing.” When Marina says “chicken wire,” she means chicken wire. She's making the crinolines out of it. Marina is thinking about her future after all: she intends to use the wedding dresses as advertising. "Who knows, maybe we'll be able to launch a business at this if we do this right." Maybe Marina plans to be a baker, since she and Hermione are going to look like Barbie doll cakes. I read off the descriptions to a professional seamstress I know and actually made her :blink: .

Looks like we're down to the last chunk of this behemoth. Onward!

Later that night, the Room of Requirement becomes the lamest excuse ever for a peep show:

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“Gotta find a bathroom.” It was Draco’s voice. I didn’t have to hear him, I could smell him. Ick.

“Harry.” I whispered urgently as I could smell him getting angrier by the minute. Why did male demons’ have to be so possessive? Pot . . . Something about ‘their’ territory I guess. . . . kettle. They’re almost like dogs at times. I watched as Draco ran into the bathroom. I had a clear view of everything, every part of his toned ARGH! There it is again! body. He was patrolling the halls stark naked? Briefly I wondered if I had made a mistake in choosing Harry over that. Shaking my head I realized that that was merely my hormones talking. Both my human side and my demon side chose Harry for life, and him that I wanted. But her goddess side prefers blonds.

“Ah, well, well, well,” He walked out as he zipped up his fly. “This looks like a nice place to relax till my shifts over.” He walked up to the silver bed. Our bed. He fell onto it as we watched from behind some piece of conveniently placed furniture. A scratching post? A chamber pot? He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

“Harry,” I whispered urgently, “The bow-chicka-wow-wow music is starting. This is too pervy even for me! I’m sure the room can give us a passage to the door so he won’t see us, let’s go to the common room.”

“No, he’s leaving.” Silently Harry picked up the sleeping Draco and placed him outside the door, this time remembering to support his head until the last possible second so he wouldn’t wake up and cry tell the room to make the door disappear behind him.

Then they fight about Harry’s possessiveness and Marina storms off to her workroom, which she has instructed the Room of Requirement to lock unless it senses that he wants to apologize. So there!

Looking back at the “ancient prophecy,” I can predict how this story was supposed to end: Draco turns into a good guy, makes friends with Harry, and pledges eternal love to Marina, who mates with him after another speech of submission by Harry. Luckily, it's unfinished and (judging from the tone of the summary) likely to remain so. But we're not done yet; the worst is still to come.

Fast forward to a few days before their wedding. Harry and Marina are kissing in the Gryffindor common room. Time to tie up some loose ends! Let’s see: Moaning Myrtle has surrendered, Hermione is marrying Ron, Harry dumped Cho . . . who is Mary Sue forgetting?

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“And what do we have here?” Dean and Ginny walked in. Dean looked very disgruntled because he was being played by that smarmy Tanqueray Gin spokescharacter, who was not used to such frumpy surroundings and Ginny looked a bit flustered. No wonder--a few pages back, she was going steady with Seamus. She looked from Harry, to me, and back to Harry, until she finally settled on glaring at me. She had no idea yet about our wedding, but she knew about Ron’s and she wasn’t happy. Somehow I guess she feels it was my fault. Because no rival of Mary Sue could possibly be friends with another rival or wish her well. Suddenly Dean looked up at me. “Can I talk to you in private for a moment?”

“Sure.” I saw Harry’s eyes narrow, but he was Ginny’s boyfriend, and Christmas was around the corner. I patted his sleeve and smiled and he eased up. We left Harry and Ginny to talk while we went to sit at a table across the room. “What’s up Dean?” Marina’s puppet stick.

Ginny has dumped Dean because she wants Harry. Gee. I never would have guessed in a million years.

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“Don’t worry, he’s mine, she can’t have him.” He looked at me shocked. I could smell Harry’s disinterest as she showed off her body, “accidentally,” to him. Believe it or not, this isn’t where I really started to hate Marina. Ohhh, no. Keep reading.

“I can’t imagine Harry leaving such a divine creature for her.” He nodded toward Ginny. I laughed. Marina, honey, the Tanqueray Gin man is creepy. On second thought, never mind.

Marina doesn’t give Ginny a smackdown; she leaves that to Harry. Instead, she goes for a walk in a blizzard so that Hagrid can find her and serve her cocoa, so that Harry can find them chatting, so that Hagrid can give the couple--fangs, baby, and all--his blessing. There is no other reason for this scene to exist--besides our burning need to know that, according to the Marauder’s Map, Malfoy has “been spending some personal time with Patty in the boy’s dorm.”

Early next morning, Dumbledore, Harry, Marina, Hermione, Sirius, Tonks(?), and the Weasleys gather at Grimmauld Place. Remus is never mentioned. Mary Sue can't angst about her awful shapeshifting curse--a blonde, a goddess, or a catgirl, oh noes!--if there's a werewolf around.

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There were many hugs as we were told to sit down. “Now, Hermione we set up the video camera. Since you may be the only person in the room who has actually used one, you just sit right there and don’t do anything. The wedding will take place tomorrow. Harry, Marina, your wedding, will take place the day after theirs.”

Ginny spit the water Tonks had given her to drink. We all had glasses; she said that the smoke fumes would’ve dried our throats. Did she say that to Molly’s face? “Wedding?” She croaked.

“Yes Ginny,” Harry looked like he was finally going to drop the bomb on her. “Marina and I were to be married for months now. HA! HA! We sure set you up the bomb.” And here’s why my hatred chooses this moment to ignite like a giant igniting thing that has just burst into flame: This chapter is called “Merry Xmas Ginny.” DIE.

“What?” She looked as though her heart was breaking before our eyes. “No.” Tears streamed down her face.

“Ginny.” Mrs. Weasley stepped forward comfortingly. “The Protectors of the Plot Continuum are on their way. This won’t last much longer, dear.”

“No!” She pushed her mother away and ran upstairs. Mrs. Weasley started to follow. I put a hand out to stop her.

“No, let her be alone for a while. She needs to cool down. You always find your true self on the far side of suffering.” They all stared at me for lots longer than I would’ve hoped Maybe because you just behaved with flagrant disrespect to a woman more than three times your age? before deciding this was the best action. All going up there now would do would give her something to aim her anger at. DO IT. DO IT. Soon that anger would turn to tears, that’s when it’s time to strike. That kitsune must have had a lovely childhood. “When the time comes, I shall speak to her.” Oh, shut UP!

“No.” Harry jumped up. “Who knows what she’ll do to you.” He looked to my stomach and I knew he was imagining many, many jinxes. After all, she’s the one friend who always tells him when he’s being an ass. Obviously, no evil is beneath her.

“Trust her Harry, trust her as you trust me. Trust in her spirit.” I smiled and went up to the room that I thus far was allowed to keep for solo use. So she’s sleeping in her old pink bathtub? And where does Harry sleep when she doesn’t want his Potsticles--the front hall?

Blah, blah, yakkety yak, don’t tell Snape I’m getting married . . . His assigning the anti-morning-sickness potion the day after Marina did the nasty with Harry is a clear sign that he has no idea what’s going on.

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With that taken care of I walked upstairs and promptly fell asleep. When I woke, I knew it was time from the sobs I heard from the room Ginny had locked herself in. She couldn’t be in this state for her brother’s wedding day. I whispered the unlocking spell. Ginny hearing the lock click jumped as I walked in.

“Ghyahh! How long were you in the bathroom? What are you doing here?” She screamed as she threw her pillow at me. I blocked my stomach with my arm as it hit like an iron ball. Oh, come on! Does Ginny sleep with her head on a Bludger?

She burbles at Ginny for about a page, lecturing her about different kinds of love in a way that might have worked coming from Mrs. Weasley; it’s condescending crap from somebody Ginny’s own age. Ginny, apparently mollified, hurries off to invite Dean to Ron’s wedding.

At The Burrow, Marina takes over the cooking and decorates for Ron and Hermione (her aesthetic sense prompts her to use white roses and ice sculptures because they’re getting married outdoors in the snow). Blah blah wedding, complete with flower girls who pop out of nowhere. Then a storm blows up. Oh dear, whatever shall we do? Why, let’s hold the Potter/Black-Riddle wedding at super-secure Grimmauld Place because that’s the best way for Marina to be put in peril once again!

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The music started up and I walked down the aisle to attach myself like a remora once again the man that I loved. Ginny was balling her eyes out. Has Dumbledore been passing out those doped lemon drops? She was one of my bridesmaids. Sirius gave me away to his godson and took a seat. Dumbledore was the one performing the ceremony. He smiled down his long nose at us. “Harry, Do you take Marina to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, till death do you part?”

“I do.” He smiled and flashed his fangs. The flower girls dropped their baskets, shrieked, and fled.

“And Marina, do you take Harry, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”

“I don’t like these vows. If Harry gets, like, poor, then I would have to, like support him. And I’m the angelically sick loved one, not hiiim! This wedding is so lame. I’m leaving.”

“In taking these vows you two have signed on for more than most couples. Harry is in grave danger every day of his life, and Marina in holding That was fast! his child the same now goes for you.”

“She’s pregnant?” Ginny(?) screamed.

“I think it’s a bit to much for Ginny,” Mrs. Weasely said.

“So that’s how you snagged him, you whore!” She screamed as she(?!) tried to come at me.

“Nonsense.” Harry told her. “She told me that would be the outcome and I accepted it that day.” That shuffling sound is all of the guests trying to sink into the floor.

“So that’s why you were sick for an entire week. And why you now take that potion.”

“That’s right.” I nodded acknowledging everything she was saying. It was all accurate. So it was right, then?

“I chose this path Ginny.” Harry told her.

“Ahem,” Dumbledore coughed. “By the power invested in me by the First Church of Elvis I now declare you husband and wife. It is my very proud privilege to present to you on this day, Mr. and Mrs. Harry Potter.” He kissed me happily Dumbledore, you rogue! and we ran down the aisle. With the wave of a hand the table was back and set for the reception, which would take place in the same room. Ginny(?!?) was still seething with rage. Harry went to speak with some friends Ron, Hermione, and . . . Ginny? and Dumbledore approached me. “I believe you have made a new enemy is Ms. Weasely.

“She’ll get over.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Harry already told her, this is the path he chose. He chose me over her, what else is there for her to do but accept it?” For the last time, SHUT UP!

“She could tell Malfoy.” He whispered.

“Wouldn’t do her any good.”

“Why not,” Ginny’s voice sounded behind us. It was a neat trick, since she was standing right in front of us.

“Because that would mean betraying Harry, he trusts you not to do that. Do you think betraying him and killing his already beloved child will really win you his heart?”

“Considering that she’s probably having puppies, Headmaster, I think the answer is obvious.”

“Ah, yes. Carry on.”

So Ginny casts a spell that creates huge plot holes in Potterverse canon. Marina wakes up at the Malfoys’ with Draco anxiously hovering. Voldemort walks in as she is singing "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from The Phantom of the Opera. The ensuing tedious conversation boils down to:

VOLDEMORT: You will marry Draco! Your friends have betrayed you!
MARINA: I won't! And I hate you!
DRACO: I'm acting nice again, but I'm still going to marry you!

That's where it ends. I think Marina's baby turns out to be a chestburster and she explodes in a shower of scentless urple blood in the Malfoys’ parlor.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

Haven't finished reading the sporking yet, but bravo - I lol'ed several times. I remember this fic well, chiefly for the random demon-ness. Why do Suethors feel the need to throw so many ideas into their fics (then forget about half of them before the next chapter)? I mean, Voldemort's daughter, and the descendant of mythological beings, and an Inuyasha demon, and diabetic, and a salsa-dancing seductress?

And brittle bones, and hyperthyroidsomething.

What an insufferable, stuck up little bitch.