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 Origin of My/The Nightmares

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Nerdanel
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PostSubject: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Fri Mar 07, 2014 2:06 pm

There are the Mary Sue fics. Then there are the trollfics written to mimic the genuine Mary Sue fics. And then there are fics like these, fics filled with fail so extreme you might think them trollfics, except that no troll would write 14 chapters and counting to practically zero audience. The subject of this thread must be a labor of love... for a hideously obnoxious Mary Sue self-insert.

The author wrote 14 chapters of a Kuroshitsuji fic and then decided to start a remake that's supposed to go to a different direction. Maybe she noticed how badly the plot had deteriorated in the original. I mean, it started out ludicrous but then it became so boring and pointless. I think that is even worse a sin than being ludicrous.

Links to the stories:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] (the original)
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] (AU of the above)

I'm going to start with the first chapter of the original.

The "My" version: Chapter 1: Violet's Past (part one)

The present is fleeting, and so after one sentence in the present tense we switch to the past tense. It's Ciel's tenth birthday, and Kuroshitsuji fans will immediately know what that implies. Of course Ciel gets abducted, and more importantly, so does his sister, Violet Phantomhive. (Incidentally, the author of this fic goes by the name Violetphantomhive.)

Ciel and Violet are separated. Ciel, who sleeps through the whole affair, is taken somewhere in a carriage while Violet and some other unfamiliar children get to walk. It can't be a very long journey, as none of the children seems to get tired, not even those who had already been made to walk to the Phantomhive manor.

Some guy named Lance leads the children, who don't seem to be restrained in any way or guarded by people other than Lance, down a dark path to a dark village built of dark stone where fountain on the central square squirts out dark water. Lance says that the village is far from everything, though I don't know how that's supposed to be possible. Does Lance have the power of mass teleportation? Lance tells the children that they will only be allowed out in the afternoon and need to be back at sunset. So harsh and strict! That should give the children plenty of time to walk back to their old homes unless, of course, Lance teleported everyone. "Lord" Alois Trancy from the anime canon is also there and joins the group.

They get inside a fancy, glimmering mansion. We meet the villain of this chapter.

Quote :
Sitting on a glimmering throne was a man dressed in a dark purple suit with a crown in his hands that he fiddled with.

Rulers of single villages nowadays have thrones and crowns, you see... We learn later that the man is called Lord Mercury Iceglade. His weird name is completely unexceptional in this fic. In this fic OCs with semi-normal names are the exception.

The actual Lord Trancy, here called the "Head of Trancy" is also there. In Violet's thoughts: "It all made sense now, Alois Trancy and the Head of Trancy." No, it didn't and doesn't. Probably Alois's daddy is supposed to have sold his son into slavery, but I have no idea how that is supposed to go with the very short period Lord Trancy was pretending to be Alois's daddy for the public, etc. Apparently we're supposed to ignore the entire canon here and pretend Lord Trancy was Alois's biological father or something. Anyway, I don't know why it would be hard to believe Alois had been abducted like the other children, without any parental consent.

Violet immediately, and I mean immediately at first sight, becomes Lord Iceglade's favorite. He gives her to wear a glimmering white silk nightgown. Violet is less than impressed by this indecency and Iceglade wanting her to become his servant.

Quote :
"I'm a noble, I rank higher than you. You can't make me do anything for you." Violet refused.

Iceglade answers with a death threat.

Violet and the other children are to be put to work, but first it's time to eat. They are given some utterly terrible soup, so Violet waltzes to the kitchen, snags a pot of good soup, and tells off the maids who try to prevent her. She says "Do you know who I am?" and slaps a maid on the face. It works.

Quote :
"We'll eat what we want." Violet opened a nearby drawer and grabbed the silverware along with two loafs of bread. She walked back into the dining room and placed the pot in the middle of the table and gave everyone a chunk of bread and a spoon.

"Wow Violet!" The girl exclaimed.

Violet smiled, "let's eat together, there's plenty to go around."

Mary Sue powers, activate! Lord Iceglade is predictably angry though. Violet then goes to bed and has a random nightmare that doesn't connect to anything in any way that I can see.

Quote :
Figures and objects swarmed all around her and she began falling slowly and could see what was around her. Stuffed teddy bears, candy canes, books and stop watches. As she fell deeper, she saw the teddy bears were ripped and torn apart, the candy canes were cracked, the books were on fire. Blood oozed out of the cracks in the wall and she heard a deep cackle. Masks of dolls and other creatures stared at her as she fell down deeper into the hole, there was something waiting for her at the very end.

Violet wakes up from the irrelevancy, gets out of bed, and gets to spy Lord Iceglade whipping Lance all bloody because evil villains must be horribly cruel to loyal underlings. Evil villains are evil, you see. It's a complete mystery how on Earth Lance (or anyone) puts up with Iceglade, especially given how Lance could have just walked away earlier, or possibly teleported.

(Ciel in the canon is arguably a villain protagonist, but he treats his servants exceptionally well. That's one of the things that make him such an effective villain rather than one who should by all means have self-destructed long ago.)

Violet angsts herself to sleep and in the morning is violently beaten awake by one of the maids. The maids all dress identically. A particular detail that sticks out that they all wear black lipstick in what is (probably) still supposed to be Victorian England. Violet isn't intimidated, however.

Quote :
She yawned and blinked a couple times, then smirked at her. "I'd be careful how you act around us nobles." She snatched the stick out of her hand and threw it on the floor. It land with a clack and snapped in two. The maid stumbled back and looked down at the broken stick.

There is also a nice maid, Hannah. I have no idea whether she is a powerful demon in this fic like she is in the canon. She obligingly proceeds to help Violet look awesome by spilling some tea on a carpet at the first possibly opportunity, which of course is enough to earn a beating from Iceglade.

Quote :
He raised up his hand and swiftly moved to hit Hannah. Faster than lightning, Violet stood in front of Hannah and blocked her way.

A hard slap hit Violet across the face, leaving her cheek stinging. Lord Iceglade's eyes widened when he realized Violet was standing in front of Hannah.

"Violet!" Hannah cried.

Hannah is saved, but now Violet is the target of Iceglade's wrath. She fearlessly insults him some more, but he has guards that are able to stand him for some reason, and they tie her down.

Quote :
"You're such a little shock, I suppose you won't mind a little electric shock." He cracked the whip in the air and smirked. The whip..it had electricity.

Iceglade whips Violet all over with his Victorian electric whip, but she, a special Mary Sue with special powers, feels no pain, only tingling. After it's over, she goes to take a shower.

Quote :
As soon as the water hit her skin, the purple marks began fading away.

That's... convenient. Violet thinks that the place is "a nightmare full of endless horrors". It's also a place with bottles of coconut-scented shampoo that she gets to apply to her midnight-blue hair.

(This chapter is ridiculously long, so I'll stop here for now and finish the second half in another post. What can be the explanation behind Violet's special specialness? You'll learn in the next installment, or from the fic itself if you are impatient.)
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Fri Mar 07, 2014 3:06 pm

Haha, why do these people even write slave fic? I mean I hate to sound like Harley here, but it just seems sort of pointless.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Sat Mar 08, 2014 3:09 am

Continuing the chapter...

The "My" version: Chapter 1: Violet's Past (part two)

It turns out that Violet's new friends, her fellow slaves Lavender IceHeart, Clarence Mordyth, Diana Millicent, and Alois, saw everything. Violet tells how her "ugly purple scars" disappeared. It sounds like the author doesn't know what scars are. Diana has an idea about what is going on. For some unfathomable reason, she has been hiding a book in her boot all this time. Not something useful like a knife. Not something fitting to her background as a daughter of a noble family, like nothing except her sock and foot. A book. It's not a spellbook either, but just a book with information in it. The book is a guide to the unimaginatively-titled Legendary Powers. Said powers are always capitalized like that because they are Important.

Violet takes a look at the table of contents.

Quote :
...Legendary Powers...Page 2. ...Signs...Page 100. ...Earth & Nature...Page 250. ...Wind & Energy..Page 300. ...Fire and Ice...Page 420. ...Electricity and Lightning...Page 500. ...Death and Darkness...Page 650.

Violet does wonder how Diana had managed to fit all that in her shoe. It looks like the author noticed what would have been an obvious plot hole and instead of fixing it, applied some furious hand-waving.

Unsurprisingly, of those Violet meets the signs of having the Legendary Power of Electricity & Lightning. This means she resists "all electricity, lightning, and thunder". She also has "extra energy" and can control energy at will. And in a surprise twist the book tells that...

Quote :
Only Grim Reapers can have Legendary Power.

Being a (grim) reaper/shinigami is a big thing in Kuroshitsuji. Violet should have superhuman strength, speed, and agility. She should be immortal and able to regenerate from what should have been mortal wounds. She should be highly near-sighted and need glasses. In a surprise twist, none of this applies to Violet, probably because the slavery plot would be over if she could just beat up every guard and rescue everyone from their questionably competent captors. Even the status of a Mary Sue can't save someone from an angst-hungry author. (As for her wounds vanishing, I think the implication was that it was her Legendary Power doing that.) Well, based on later events I suppose ordinary reapers in this story are no more powerful than near-sighted humans and every canonical reaper just happens to have some of those Legendary Powers. You see, Violet needs to be extra special among reapers too.

There are also powers other than the ones listed in the index. The means for testing for those is more arcane. It involves something called... drumroll... the Legendary Herb. We aren't told what the Legendary Herb is like and whether it has a normal name, but luckily the book has one included in a pouch so that we can use the plot device and be done with that.

Violet swallows the nondescript Legendary Herb and within seconds she is vomiting. She produces three conveniently color-coded crystals because magic is magical like that. Diana tells that the crystals mean that Violet has 1. the power of seeing the future, 2. healing powers, and 3. ability to shape shift and control water. In case you thought Violet was deficient in the power department, she definitely isn't. In case you wonder, this whole thing about Legendary Powers isn't Kuroshitsuji canon at all but just something the author made up all by herself.

A bell summons Violet to Lord Iceglade's room where he sits on his throne. He makes Violet set some blankets and pillows so that he can take a nap and then springs a bombshell: he wants to marry her. He can't do that until after the arbitrary time limit of six months set by the author. There is supposed to be some random ball at that date, as if that would matter.

Iceglade has a little key on a golden chain around her neck and there is a very prominent box in the room. Violet asks about that.

Quote :
"You wanna know what's in there?" He smirked. "My favourite katana. I never used it, but it's supposed to slice like a hot knife through butter. It's treasure, I keep it locked in there."

Iceglade goes to sleep. Violet decides to get the Schrödinger's gun butter-slicing katana... one of these days. Smothering the sleeping Iceglade with a pillow doesn't occur to her.

Violet goes outside and sees Lance, who is looking really bad. She listens, hidden in a tree, as he talks with some other man.

Quote :
"I..I just.." Lance sighed. "I suggested Lord Iceglade bring someone back home."

"What? Bring someone back?" The guy's eyes widened.

"I don't know." Lance shook his head. "I told him to bring Violet Phantomhive back. I told him that she didn't deserve this."

Awww... The power of Mary Sue melts the hearts of even the most unreasonably loyal evil minions. Hannah has also made tasty soup for the slaves, presumably all because of Violet.

Lord Iceglade makes the announcement that he will marry Violet. He grabs hold of Violet but she doesn't approve.

Quote :
"Ugh, let go of me!" Violet shouted, but he had a strong grip on her wrist.

"You're bold Violet!" Lord Iceglade shoved her on the ground. Everyone gasped and looked at them in shock.

"Hah!" He kicked her in stomach.

"Augh!" Violet cried out in pain.

After a vigorous application of domestic violence, Violet is all bloody and bruised. However...

Quote :
Violet could feel the electricity running through her veins. She immediately got up and swiftly punched Lord Iceglade in the face. She could feel the vibration of the electric shock as he flew halfway across the room and landed against the throne with a thud.

It's Violet's Legendary Power! Iceglade doesn't approve.

Quote :
Lord Iceglade tormented her day after day. He hadn't changed his mind, he still wanted to marry her. She had broke his nose, he completely changed after that. Once a week he'd whip her again with the same whip, but it had no effect on Violet. She kept her mouth shut until she had to go back to her room, then she'd go in the shower to collect energy. The more he whipped her, the more electricity she had. He kept giving her strength, she could feel the electricity running through her.

There is no rape though, as that would be icky.

Quote :
They called her a panther, she lurked in the darkness.

Yeah. If she was really all that cool though, you'd think she'd take some action to escape rather than just delay indefinitely. Maybe she is secretly a masochist and lying to herself, not like this fic would ever have that sort of psychological depth. I think she's just dithering because otherwise the six-month limit could never get dangerously close enough for the author.

It's one day to the wedding, and Iceglade has beat Violet really badly. I'm getting the feeling that maybe he doesn't want to marry her after all. Or maybe he's just a sadist without any self-control. We'll never know.

Quote :
She was too weak to move, freezing and bleeding to death. He had stabbed her in the stomach. She was covered in bruises and sniffling as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was the end, Violet wasn't going to make it. She wanted to call out for help, but her throat was sore and she could barely speak. She put her head down on the cold ground and closed her eyes.

Then suddenly Ciel Phantomhive, her brother, is there with Sebastian like a convenient plot device! Her spirits instantly lifted, she heals her wounds with her electricity. With Ciel there Violet can no longer justify delaying, and the three of them charge right into Iceglade's room. Clarence, Diana, and Lavender are tied up in the middle of the floor for some reason.

Violet tackles Iceglade "like a panther", takes the key to the katana box, and tells Sebastian to unlock the box while she kicks Iceglade repeatedly. Sebastian throws her the awesome katana. At that point Iceglade suddenly goes all ninja and kills Lavender, Clarence, and Diana just like that with a dagger he had apparently had all the time in her possession, but which Violet had never noticed, probably because the dagger hadn't existed in the author's mind back then. Iceglade takes the time to make some cliché villain dialogue, including "Say goodbye to your friends," but somehow no one between Violet, Sebastian, and Ciel does anything useful at that point. Violet has her super cool Legendary Powers, Sebastian can move fast enough to pick up bullets from the air, and Ciel should have a gun. Well, maybe Sebastian and Ciel intentionally let the girls die, but with lines like "Sebastian lunged for Lord Iceglade, but it was already too late" it sounds like the author had just forgotten about Sebastian's capabilities.

Violet gets really angry, develops a green battle aura, and is surrounded by crackling electricity. The author says she's "going psychotic" because the author doesn't know what being psychotic means.

Quote :
"Your life is meaningless to me! I spill like thunder, I'm deadly electrifying!"

This fic has a habit of using those terrible, terrible electricity puns. And so Violet kills Iceglade with the katana. She should have sliced him in half rather than stabbing him in the heart, as katanas don't have sharp tips, but it works anyway. Either that was Violet's electricity-enhanced super strength in action or the author doesn't know anything about katanas.

Violet's three friends are dead. Unlike the sort of Mary Sues who blame themselves for things that were by no means their fault, Violet doesn't blame herself at all. The author probably thinks that the events were destined and beyond the ability of the heroes to affect, even though that blatantly wasn't the case at all. Apparently the author just wanted to manufacture some tragedy. Anyway, Violet is rescued now, and Chapter 1 finally gets to end.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Sun Mar 09, 2014 4:50 am

The "My" version: Chapter 2: Alice's Past (part one)

It turns out that some dead characters are only mostly dead, because the author wants them to have some last words. Lavender, who we're now told has long light purple hair, uses her last breath to infodump about Alois being alive, as if we couldn't have figured that out on our own. Because of a tense error Clarence's eyes sparkle with joy even though he's dead now. After a few minutes Violet finally remembers that she has the Legendary Power of healing, but it's already too late, as the author clearly thinks angst is more important than the lives of mundane extras. However, there is a little piece of foreshadowing that Violet's healing powers did indeed have an effect. The summary for the "The" version is probably relevant here, but we'll get to it later...

Iceglade, who has a katana through his chest and has been obligingly waiting for his turn, grabs Ciel by the ankle. People are understandably surprised about why Iceglade is still alive. He has a non-explanation explanation ready.

Quote :
"My powers are being drained first." Lord Iceglade coughed. "And then.." He glanced over at Ciel and a smirk grew over his face. "Ciel Phantomhive and Violet Phantomhive..how perfect."

Iceglade makes a rant about how he loves, loves, loves Violet. She insults him to his face. Sebastian re-stabs Iceglade and we are finally rid of him, at least as far as the "My" version goes. Well, at least Violet's Mary Sue credentials in feistiness and love aura have been reinforced. We couldn't have been left to think that maybe he really didn't care about her after all, favorite or not.

Our heroes find Lance, who had been tied up, gagged and blindfolded by Iceglade's maids for some reason. Our heroes spare his life. A little later they also find Alois, who had been protected by his canon character status. He had run away from the maids and made them give up finding him. Iceglade's staff suddenly isn't all that effective for some reason, and his guards seem to have disappeared for some reason. We also learn that Hannah and the other maids had left the manor in a carriage just a short time ago for some reason. Perhaps they were psychic. Alois is all scared, but Violet comforts him and gets him to calm down.

Our heroes proceed to loot the manor of all easily portable valuables. It's not like any of the characters should be hurting for money, and common robbery isn't a very aristocratic thing to do, but maybe the author had been playing JRPGs or something. Violet picks to wear a white dress, a white jeweled coat, and a diamond-encrusted belt for her katana. Alois also picks up some clothes, including booty shorts that are actually called in the story booty shorts. None of his new stuff has jewels on it because he isn't as awesome as Violet.

They find a convenient carriage for their departure. For some reason, Ciel doesn't set the manor on fire.

Around that point our heroes quite possibly committed mass murder and killed everyone in Iceglade's village, including the many unnamed children who had been kept captive there and hadn't been mentioned since early in the first chapter. Violet had promised earlier in this to chapter do that. The whole thing is skipped over in the narrative though. Maybe they just forgot about the village in general and those nameless, presumably-commoner children in particular. In any case, no one bothers to try to save the children. If I recall correctly, the village will not be dealt with ever again in the story.

Quote :
"Where are we going my lady?" Sebastian asks.

"Here." Violet took out a map of the 2 villages that she found in Lord Iceglade's room. She pointed at the village a little far off from this one. "Wavecrusher village. Ciel was there, and that's the last village here. We're going to end that village tonight."

It really looks like our heroes are really intending to commit their second casual mass murder of the day. Our heroes are unrepentant thieves and murderers, but nevertheless they are portrayed as being on the side of goodness and light. The canon characters' canon versions are simultaneously portrayed as darker and less evil. Well, maybe Sebastian could act that way (given sufficient hypothetical motivation), but he's also portrayed as truly evil, at least in the manga, instead of this fic where he's portrayed as a fluffy bunny.

Also, Violet's Mary Sue powers make Sebastian defer to her instead of Ciel.

Alois knows that her sister Alice is kept in the Wavecrusher village. Ciel was also kept there before he escaped. This was presumably before he met Sebastian, or maybe not. It's nevertheless a complete mystery why Wavecrusher still hasn't been the target of Ciel's revenge. I get the impression Ciel hadn't even considered going that way until Violet made her suggestion. Ciel is being so very OOC here.

Wavecrusher village is owned by Lord Wavecrusher, Iceglade's father, who is in later chapters changed to be Iceglade's brother without even bothering to make up a retcon to explain it. We learn later that Wavecrusher is Lord Wavecrusher's real first name. I don't know if Wavecrusher's parents named their son after the village or if Wavecrusher named the village after himself. Either way, the author of this story seems to think some Internet fantasy name generator is appropriate to what I think is still supposed to be Victorian England.

Then our heroes switch tracks completely and talk about being all careful and getting Alice out by stealth without raising suspicion. Maybe they don't want her to die as an unintentional casualty in their upcoming indiscriminate murderfest. The rescue plans turn overtly violent again and the story randomly turns to present tense when Violet gets an idea.

Quote :
"But how do we get Alice out without raising suspicion?" Ciel questions.

"We'll get rid of the villages while Alois sneaks out Alice. We'll distract everyone else, simple as that." Violet nods.

"How are you going to distract the whole village like that?" Sebastian asks.

"Easy." Violet smirks and pats her katana that hung off her diamond incrusted belt. "With my katana of course..so sharp, it cuts through butter like a hot knife."

"Then let's get to it!" Alois exclaims.

None of them considers the fact that even evil feudal lords (not that Victorian England was really feudal anymore) just might have innocent subjects and that said subjects just might have families. Violet is about to embark on a mission that should see her killing small babies.

Our heroes find a letter in the carriage. It is written to "IceGlade" by a person whom they will soon recognize from the from the letter's seal that has a wave on it to be Wavecrusher. The letter begins,

Quote :
Mercury IceGlade.

This is your final task, you have the only noble group there is.

Then it lists the members in Violet's "noble group". The other members just get short mentions in the form "son/daughter of a [title], the [title] [name]", but Violet, being special, gets a special description.

Quote :
And you have Countess Lady Violet Phantomhive. Royalty runs through her veins. She's the daughter of an Earl and a Marchioness, who just also happens to be a Countess as well. She's a niece to 2 Earls, and a Countess and Baroness, and her cousin is a Duke.

Fancy. That description makes it sound like her and Ciel's father Vincent cheated on Ciel's mother with some random OC marchioness. (There is a canon marchioness, by the way. She is Vincent's sister.) Also, Violet is called a "Countess Lady", which is not a real title. She should be just a Lady, or have no title at all if she is known to be illegitimate. I think it's clear that the author just doesn't know how noble titles work.

Wavecrusher instructs Iceglade to make sure at all costs that Alois and Violet do not escape. Apparently they're important somehow.

Our heroes arrive in the village, which looks normal except that it feels off to Violet somehow, like something isn't right, and almost immediately see a girl whose wrists are tied and who is being pulled away. It's Alice!
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Mar 11, 2014 9:28 am

Unlike what you might expect, now it's the perfect time to switch to the other version.

The "The" version: Chapter 1

The first (and at the time of writing this, the only) chapter of the "The" version contains over ten thousand words that are directly copy-pasted from the "My" version. It's better just to go through the meaningful changes and additions. I used the Unix diff command to find them. (By the way, I noticed that there was some carriage travel near the beginning of the chapter after all. It was just of the blink-and-miss-it variety, and then the children were made to walk for some reason anyway.)

But first, here's the summary:

Quote :
Violet Phantomhive is an electrifying Grim Reaper that escaped the horrors of Mercury Iceglade. Things aren't what they seem, her 3 friends that served Lord Iceglade are reborn as Reaper, Demon, and Fallen Angel. With Violet's Legendary Powers to see the future, she must do what it takes to survive the pain. After all, lightning never strikes the same place twice...

The summary spoils everything that has been published thus far, and then some.

As for the changes...

1. On the first night Violet dreams about the scene where she almost dies later in this chapter because she had forgotten to use her healing powers. This time there is a mention that the scene takes place in winter, even though we know it's six months after Ciel's birthday, which canonically is on the 14th of December, so it should be summer.

But no worries, a dark figure comes to Violet and tells that everything is going to be okay and she'll get to see her brother Ciel later again too.

Quote :
"Violet..please wipe your tears away.." The figure lifted up her chin gently. "I'll always be with you..just close your eyes, and you can see me."

This story is categorized as horror, by the way.

Quote :
"You know you can see the past and future of anyone and anything..this is your future Violet. I'm there. We'll all get out of there."

Just future sight wasn't apparently enough for our Mary Sue. Now she is given everything-sight.

The dark figure can't tell Violet who he is, apparently for no reason other than preserving the mystery, but it won't be much of a surprise that he's Sebastian, the resident hot demon guy. He tells Violet that they were meant to be together.

Quote :
"You and I were meant to be." The figure stroked her cheek. Violet blushed as she looked at the dark figure. "I love you."

"I love you too." Violet felt her heart pounding. She was attracted to him somehow, she could feel an undying love in her heart.

It's not just the common love at the first sight. It's undying love before the first sight.

2. We learn that Clarence and Lavender had given fake surnames to their captors for some reason. Violet thinks that's really smart for some reason. It's a complete mystery Wavecrusher, Iceglade, & co. wanted to capture them and made such a big deal about them and their noble titles when our villains didn't even know whom they were capturing.

For people familiar with the canon, the real reason for the surname change is quite obviously that the author wanted to make Clarence share his surname with a certain canonical reaper. From this we can deduce that Diana and Lavender get to be the demon and the fallen angel mentioned in the summary, though it isn't yet clear who will be which and what's the difference between demons and fallen angels anyway and whether the character who gets to be the angel will start out fallen or not. (I'm guessing Lavender gets to be the angel because she has light purple hair and stormy gray eyes.)

3. Iceglade brands Violet. Ciel has a brand too, and of course Violet must get her own version of such a cool thing. It wouldn't do if Ciel alone got to be cool.

4. Iceglade says that Violet has "an electrifying soul". Because we need even more awful electricity puns, especially repetitive ones.

5. Violet is all "So charming, handsome..." when she sees Sebastian for the first time.

6. Violet no longer has a green battle aura. Instead her eyes glow green.

7. Iceglade does his little love rant before he gets stabbed in the chest by Violet. This is a clear improvement. Lavender still talks with a slit throat though. (Violet is made to look more awesome, as in the first version he stabs Iceglade whom Sebastian then has to re-stab in the following chapter, but in this version Sebastian merely knocks Iceglade down and Violet gets to do the final stabbing.) Around this point, where the chapter in the "My" version ended, the differences start to become more pronounced.

8. On the carriage trip Violet sees a random vision of the Phantomhive manor burning down six months ago (she has everything-sight, remember?), and then Iceglade contacts Violet telepathically. He calls her an "electifying soul" once again because we can never get enough of her being described as electrifying. Iceglade is in full villain mode.

Quote :
Feel the wraith of Mercury!" Violet saw Mercury standing in front of her, laughing wickedly.

Iceglade uses twice the phrase "feel the wraith of Mercury". I have no idea if the "wraith" there is a typo or not.

9. On the the way to the Wavecrusher village (this time not because of Alice but only because of the letter) we learn more about Wavecrusher and stuff, and it's really stupid, much worse than all of that stupid stuff earlier. This is where the story goes down the rabbit hole.

Quote :
"He's Prince Wavecrusher Tempest XIV of Michael and Alicia Tempest, the 2 Archmages of Legendarius of the Legendary Crystal. Mercury Iceglade, Luke Everheart, Blake Flamewing, and Crimzon Rosethorne are his brothers, they have villages around here." Sebastian explained. "He left a map here showing the villages."

"The Archmages of Legendarius?" Violet's eyes widened. Alicia Tempest and her had created the Legendary Crystal in 1480 with a team. Alicia found the Heart of Legendarius that was the source of the Legendary Powers, and together they created the Legendary Crystal to protect it. Of course, Alicia!

Where do I start? There are so many things wrong with those two paragraphs. For one thing, there are all those terrible names like "Crimzon Rosethorne" and the "Legendary Crystal". Secondly, there is all that generic fantasy stuff about archmages and crystals that is completely out of phase with Kuroshitsuji. I want Kuroshitsuji in the Kuroshitsuji section, not Final Fantasy. Thirdly, in this world princes apparently rule single villages, which is both too much and too little power. I wonder if the author is aware that the Victorian England is not a made-up fantasy world. Fourthly, Violet having created the Legendary Crystal adds another awful dose of Mary Sue to her, as does the fact that she remembers it just like that for some reason even though earlier in this chapter she was completely ignorant about magic. I'm assuming some sort of reincarnation is involved so that Violet can be both an ancient archmage and Ciel's 16-year-old sister. Fifthly, "Of course, Alicia!" is such a complete non-sequitur.

The story has now completely diverged from the other version, though that terrible world-building stuff turns out to appear in both. Violet orders the carriage stopped even though they're right by the Wavecrusher village, as if they don't get to "that village" (which presumably isn't Wavecrusher village even though grammatically it should be) in time, the Legendary Crystal will be destroyed for some reason. I don't know how Violet could possibly know that, so it must be her everything-sight in action, or perhaps plot-sight.

Sebastian has figured out that Violet created the Legendary Crystal and is a grim reaper. He tells everyone and they're all in awe of her, as is the proper way to relate to a Mary Sue with cosmic powers. She then departs alone to see her buddy Alicia.

It's hard to describe how un-Kuroshitsuji-like this thing is.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:25 am

Quote :
"Easy." Violet smirks and pats her katana that hung off her diamond incrusted belt. "With my katana of course..so sharp, it cuts through butter like a hot knife."
Your knife cuts through butter like a knife, you say!?!?
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Mar 11, 2014 2:13 pm

Next you'll be saying that a duck has taken to water like a duck to water!
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:03 am

What a glorious clusterfuck.

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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:54 am

I love that quote too. I made it my new sig. Then it's time to go back to where we stopped with the "My" version.

The "My" version: Chapter 2: Alice's past (part two)

Meet Alice, another Mary Sue, who is currently being dragged to somewhere. She is quick to show her feistiness credentials.

Quote :
"Let me go you creep! Ugh, let go!" Alice shouted.

"Move!" Ceren pushed her in front of him. Ceren Sunheart...he worked for Lord Wavecrusher.

Based on his name, Ceren Sunheart sounds like he should be a paladin in World of Warcraft instead of an evil minion. All of Wavecrusher's sons/brothers are also named along those lines. Maybe everyone in Wavecrusher's family is just a big fan of fantasy name generators.

Speaking of fantasy name generators, Alice has been kept captive in something called "Boltnight", which is probably another name for Wavecrusher village, but maybe not.

Quote :
It was impossible to escape from Boltnight, especially at night when nobody was around. There were guards everywhere, watching everything at all times, and at night when everyone left, the death fence was on. The death fence prevented anything from leaving and coming into the village at night. Right after sunset it would switch on and everyone would head inside. Anything that touches the death fence would be electrocuted and bleed to death.

Somehow this world is developed enough to have high-voltage electric fences that also appear to have spinning razor blades attached. Too bad only the bad guys appear to have that stuff.

Quote :
Alice had Legendary Powers, she was given the Legendary Power of Fire & Ice. She'd sit there in front of the inn's fireplace at night and think of getting out of the village, the flames would go red. She'd be able to make fireballs and create things out of fire. Her Legendary Power was different, she didn't have the Legendary Power of Ice. It was split apart and she received the Legendary Power of energy. She was able to hit things with tremendous force and power and blast things with her energy and fire powers.

Maybe she should have tried blasting the death fence.

By the way, we learn that Wavecrusher has the Legendary Power of Death & Darkness, like a villain should. We also learn that this world has anachronistic alchemists hanging around at inns. The technology level in this story is quite mysterious. Alice also has been hanging around at an inn, as it's only natural to house high-value prisoners in such places and treat said prisoners like normal travelers who get to stay and eat for free.

And of course Alice is a supremely capable physical fighter too.

Quote :
She was quick and stealthy, and she could slice Lord Wavecrusher's guards into bits if they tried anything funny.

Really, Alice should have used her Mary Sue powers and escaped by now.

Ceren drags Alice to the doorstep of the "black castle" and ties her down. It's there where Alois, who has been sneaking around in the not-really-that-well-guarded village finally finds her (again), steps on a twig, steps on another twig, calls out her name from some distance, and gets captured like a chump. The timeline is really wonky here, as it's dawning now. I suppose Alice must have been left tied outside the castle for more than 12 hours. By the way, it was winter the day before, but the author has probably forgotten about that.

Alois and Alice share a tender moment and then get dragged to see Wavecrusher, who apparently likes to rise before the sun. He sits on a gleaming throne and makes people kneel to him as if he was a monarch. It takes a while before Alice gets to see him, because somehow she wasn't looking that way when they were led to the throne room. Alice notices that has a "handsome voice", and then she finally sees him.

Quote :
She looked up at Lord Wavecrusher and her eyes widened. She expected a monster sitting upon the throne, or some giant. Lord Wavecrusher was a teenage guy sitting down on his throne with his leg crossed. He wore long black boots of silk with diamonds glittering on the side. Long silk light blue pants with a matching robe that had a sapphire in the middle. Aqua blue sparkling eyes and electric blue hair with a golden crown on top. He was stunning...this was Lord Wavecrusher?

Wavecrusher gets the prize for the most unnatural hair thus far. He naturally wears really expensive stuff with plenty of diamonds and other gems, as our villains seem to be swimming in money. I can only imagine what the land rents in Wavecrusher village must be like.

Spoiler: Wavecrusher, being a hot guy, eventually stops acting like a villain for some reason and goes to school with Violet and Alice. I'm not joking.

Violet must have forgotten about her murder spree, or else the numerous guards in the village are so incompetent that no one has noticed all those villagers who were stabbed to death with a katana. Wavecrusher only learns about her presence because he asks Alois about the other noble children. Wavecrusher's plan is to torture Alice and Alois in the dungeons until Violet shows up. The flaw in this plan is that Wavecrusher, based on everything we learn in this story, forgets to inform Violet. People forget way too many important things in this story.

Claude from the canon is assigned to be Alice and Alois's personal servant. Claude is still a demon, by the way, and also Wavecrusher's butler.

There are also some noble boys in the dungeon. They were caught escaping with Ciel. Really, if Ciel had escaped successfully, so should have someone as powerful as Alice. I suppose the reason could be that she has something like 100 IQ points fewer than him, which is quite possible. Ciel presumably hadn't sold his soul to Sebastian at that point, as otherwise things would have been very different. The place would have been full of corpses and also on fire. It's quite unclear how much of Ciel's canon backstory happened in this world. Maybe the author intended to go with the canon but didn't get it right. Maybe human sacrifice and implied rape was too much for our torture-loving author, and so she erased all that from her story. It's quite mysterious how Wavecrusher abducted all those children of nobility for no apparent reason as far as this story is concerned. Maybe all the possible motives were too dark for the author in this story filed under the horror category.

Also, law enforcement is terrible in this world. People can abduct young nobles, including a duke, and suffer no consequences even though there are lots and lots people - at least hundreds but probably numbering in the thousands - who should know what happened. Later on we learn that like Ciel, Wavecrusher etc. live under and serve a queen who is presumably still Victoria. Given the role the Scotland Yard plays in the canon, there really is no excuse. Even the most incompetent investigators should have been able to crack this case and would have been compelled by the crown to do so.

Hannah makes a return as the maid who gives all the imprisoned nobles warm baths as instructed. Everyone has their own individual bath tub, as Wavecrusher is clearly rich enough not to care about having more tubs than necessary. Alice and Alois also get beds and delicious vegetable soup, quite possibly the author's favorite food, or perhaps the only food Hannah knows how to cook. This is seriously the third time vegetable soup has appeared in two chapters. The only other food was that terrible black soup Violet successfully refused. Even Iceglade ate vegetable soup, apparently as the main course. Alice noodles around for five days, thinking about how she has her cool Legendary Power but doesn't use it. Ceren keeps whipping her, after which Claude treats her wounds. Alice can't concentrate on her Legendary Power while she is being whipped, so maybe she should have tried casting her fireballs when the die number required for her Concentration Check wasn't as high, preferably before she was subjected to the promised torture. Finally Claude, who has had mutual love confessions with Alice, has had enough.

Quote :
"Claude!? What are you doing?" Ceren's eyes widened.

"Don't ever hit her." He growled and shoved Ceren back.

Alice's Mary Sue aura is enough to sway even the heart of a demon. This time Claude not only bandages Alice's wounds but also uses his demon magic to heal her. After getting some sleep, Alice finally melts the bars of her cell. Violence follows.

Quote :
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Alice laughed as she leaped at Ceren and knocked him down, tearing through him and sending the dungeon ablaze. Screams and hysterical laughter were echoing throughout the house and Alice dragged Ceren by his feet and grabbed his sword from his pocket.

"ALICE!" Ceren screamed, but it was too late. With one swift move, the sword sliced through him and Alice picked up his head and laughed, throwing it to the side. She dropped Ceren's body and crashed through the doors upstairs, barging through the ballroom.

The guards immediately spotted her and rushed towards her as Alice formed a wall of fire with her hands and blew it towards them. The guest Lords lunged at Alice to attack, but the wall of fire set them ablaze along with the guards. The guards screamed as their flesh turned to dust and their heads were sliced off, rolling around on the ground.

Unfortunately Wavecrusher isn't there to entertain his guests. Claude (who has just made a contract with Alois) comes there though, and is impressed.

Quote :
Claude moved in and pushed Alice against the wall as his eyes been glowing pink and his iris's got thinner. "C-Claude?"

"Alice.." He ran his hands through her platinum blonde hair and smirked. "Your Legendary Power is extremely powerful...you'd make a worthy demon."

So he turns her into a demon without asking her opinion. Somehow this means that there is a contract between Claude and Alice now that works as if Alice had sold her soul. I don't know how it's possible to have a contract by unilateral announcement.

Quote :
"Your soul is mine Alice.." Claude grinned as he held up his hand and the Faustian mark began glowing. "You'll be mine now.

Some things to consider: 1. Claude only appears in the second season of the anime. 2. A major plot point in the very same second season of the anime was that demons just can't take the souls of other demons.

Claude addresses Alice as Arekusa, and that's her name from now on. Alice/Arekusa herself doesn't seem to mind the involuntary implicit naming after all, and she will now be Arekusa to everyone, without any confusion or explanations. Maybe Claude sent out a newsletter. Arekusa's hair also turns brown for some inexplicable reason. I'd have thought natural platinum blonde her was prettier and more Mary Sue.... None of the canonical demons have brown hair, by the way.

Arekusa goes on her second murder spree of the day, as there were apparently survivors from the previous one after all. For some reason she doesn't gain any benefit from her new demon strength that is actually visible in the story. She was an undefeatable death machine before and she is an undefeatable death machine now.

Quote :
"HELP! ANYONE! PLEASE!"

Slice.

"Oops." Alice giggled.

That's our heroine.

When she finishes she finds out that Claude and Alois have left and gets all sad.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:38 pm

Okay I don't know Jack about this fandom but it seems to have the same problem as the Harry Potter Harem fic snarked a few pages back: it has nothing to do with the fandom in question. You could change the characters' names to Jack and Jill and it wouldn't make a difference.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Wed Mar 19, 2014 2:23 am

Mouse wrote:
Okay I don't know Jack about this fandom but it seems to have the same problem as the Harry Potter Harem fic snarked a few pages back: it has nothing to do with the fandom in question. You could change the characters' names to Jack and Jill and it wouldn't make a difference.

Surprisingly, the fic isn't as far removed from the canon as it seems to be. I've read ahead, and the author has clearly seen the anime, even the OVAs. Kuroshitsuji (grim) reapers/shinigami are pretty distinctive, among other things, and at one point the author makes her twin Mary Sues go shopping at the Frost Fair from one of the anime filler episodes people generally ignore. Canon characters are turned into satellites, but have some connection to their canon personalities. (See "Captive, Slave, or Prince" I snarked a little before for a fic where no one is remotely in character and Ciel in particular acts the very opposite of his canon personality.)

It's just that this fic is so stupid and inserts vast amounts of ludicrous stuff that doesn't fit. I really am not sure whether we still are dealing with the Victorian England or not. Maybe the author is just really ignorant and didn't notice that the likes of "London", "England", "Paris", "India", "Queen Victoria", "Eiffel Tower", and others might perhaps reference real world things and therefore feels free to insert archmages and magic crystals. Or maybe the author just hates doing research and can't apply basic common sense. It's a mystery.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Sun Mar 30, 2014 6:10 am

For your information: It appears that Violetphantomhive realized that having two fics with nearly identical names is unreasonably confusing, so she went for the unreasonably pretentious and gothy instead. The "The" version has been renamed to Phantom Black Oblivion: Darkness and Light, a name that doesn't sound like it has anything to do with anything. Maybe she had liked the results of that fantasy name generator so much that she found herself a fanfic title generator and didn't realize it wasn't meant to be taken seriously.

And then to the actual story... The chapters get a lot shorter from this point on, but there is still "good stuff" to come.

The "My" version: Chapter 3: Wavecrusher

We meet our third Mary Sue protagonist, named... (drumroll...) Lord Wavecrusher. He is mild when compared to Violet and Arekusa, but that is damning with faint praise. Here he is returning from a party.

Quote :
White silk gleaming robes with sparkling gold cuffs, sapphire incrusted long boots, a dress shirt, and the wraparound blue cape that hung off to the side. To top off his costume, he wore a beautiful blue mask that had wings on the side wrapping around his head and showing his aquamarine eyes.

Wavecrusher makes his exit from villain mode with record speed. I suppose we're supposed to forget all that stuff about putting innocent children (Alois would have been chronologically 11 or 12 based on Ciel's age in this story) in the dungeons to be tortured. Though, I suppose all the nastiness will be eventually blamed on that dastardly Ceren Sunheart and Ceren Sunheart only, regardless of Wavecrusher's "things will get unpleasant" line. I suppose we're also supposed to forget about how he abducted all of those children (the minimum number would be 11 according to my calculations, but the true number is more likely several dozen) and kept them imprisoned for months and months, with no end in sight. I suppose we'll end up learning he did indeed have a sensible motive and he did it all to save the children or the entire world or something, probably because of something to do with magic crystals or something. There is also how he burned down Ciel and Violet's home (unless that's going to get blamed on some underling too) and, if canon is any guide, killed their loving parents and probably servants also. If that's the norm, Wavecrusher would be responsible for numerous murders of important people.

But he has a sympathetic tragic backstory!

Quote :
His family were grim reapers, although Wavecrusher was supposed to receive his Legendary Powers at 10, he got them at five. Battleheart, another legion far off of Heavenheart had attacked the wizard tower that morning. Their assassins snuck in and began attacking everyone. They were wrapping rope around the crystal so they could lift it in the air and fly back to Battleheart, but the crystal split and broke. Wavecrusher's grandmother used all her power to protect the children and fight back, but it was too late. The crystal broke and leaked everywhere, killing the Battleheart assassins immediately. All the powers leaked out of the crystal, unleashing a tremoundous amount of power and leaking everywhere. The children gained the crystal's power then, and it was too much already.

His wizard grandmother died and it was so sad and tragic and sympathetic! And then he got the best super powers ever.

Quote :
Instead of gaining one legendary power, it gave them 2 and split another one. They say the children were blessed to receive such power, and Wavecrusher was one of them. His Legendary Power was supposed to be Fire & Ice, but his fire power split up as the magic surrounded him and he gained only Ice and Death & Darkness. He was the only one who gained Death & Darkness, only those worthy of the most powerful Legendary Power received this. With Death & Darkness, Lord Wavecrusher was extremely powerful, and nothing could get in his way. The Death & Darkness Legendary Power gave him immortality. There was only a few handfuls of people with the Death & Darkness Legendary Power, and their offspring would receive it too. Everyone had always wanted the Death & Darkness power, but it was very rare to get these days.

Wavecrusher gets back to his dark castle. Everyone is dead! What could have happened?

Here are the clues that are seen by Wavecrusher:
- A blood trail leads to/from the dungeons.
- The bars on Alice's cell have been melted down, leaving a big hole. Alice and the other prisoners are missing.
- A voice repeatedly taunts him from the shadows, and he recognizes it's Alice's.
- Charred remains of people lie on the floor and a few flames still flicker. A smarter person could suspect fire magic. (By the way, it has been established that people with Legendary Powers when they see someone can sense that person's Legendary Powers. This means that Wavecrusher would have been aware of Alice's fire powers.)
- A dying person has written "Alice" on a wall in their own blood.

We don't get to know if that amount of information is finally enough for him to figure out the murderer's identity, but at least at this point Wavecrusher finally gets the idea that something dangerous might be going on.

Quote :
"Claude!" Wavecrusher called out, but there was no answer. The Faustian contract Lord Wavecrusher had on his wrist was so faded that it could just fade off completely now. He brushed his hand against the slightly glowing Faustian Contract and it disappeared.

Claude is so fickle, even in the canon. On the other hand, Wavecrusher got to benefit from the services of a powerful demon for free for who knows how long, which is pretty nice. With that sort of lack of commitment Claude is going to end up never getting a single soul for his troubles. (And can you even quit a contract just like that? I think not.)

Wavecrusher's problems intensify as a threatening black mist starts to form around him (which is someone a.k.a. Alice/Arekusa finally using something resembling a canonical power). Luckily Wavecrusher has all those cool Legendary Powers of awesome awesomeness and "nothing could get in his way", so he should have at least a fighting chance against a newbie demon. Maybe he could use his Death powers to make an unstoppable death bolt, or maybe he could use his Ice powers to hit Arekusa with ice missiles while having a wall of ice protect him from her fire magic or immobilize her inside a block of ice. Or maybe he could rely on his immortality and pretend to get killed like a normal human, like Sebastian has done in the canon. Anyway, all of this speculation will remain in the world of theory, as it's Wavecrusher's turn to forget about his own Legendary Powers.

He chooses to go hardcore for evoking reader sympathy. He covers his face with his hands and cries. He remembers his mother's last words. He remembers his grandmother's last words. He remembers some more words.

Quote :
"Never give up hope Wavecrusher. In times of sorrow, use my blessing. It'll bring you where you'll be most happy."

His mother's blessing turns out to be a small pouch, that he has apparently been carrying with him all this time, containing a shiny SFX with a special effect. By this I mean that it looks like the sort of shiny light SFX for magic that gets used in movies and TV because it's cheap to add and also that it has a very special magical planeshifting effect. After the shiny, there is also some slow levitating-and-spinning-in-the-air SFX, because that totally fits when traveling between dimensions, at least in the mind of the author. Though...

Quote :
His eyes slowly shut, spinning him around and lifting him up in the air.

Apparently it's just that Wavecrusher's eyes have strange special properties. I wonder if that happens every time he falls asleep. Anyway, you'd think Arekusa would have taken action while all of this slow stuff was going on, but maybe she is a demon who can't see through her own black mist.

After some more fishing for reader sympathy with his thoughts and some more time for Arekusa to act that she somehow doesn't bother to use (and demons should be able to move incredibly fast, by the way), Wavecrusher wakes up in a white room. He is welcomed by name by the canon characters Ronald and William.

This fic doesn't use separators between entirely different scenes, so for a little bit it seems that Claude is there with Wavecrusher. Then it turns out that it's nearly two months later, and Claude is with Alois at their manor. Claude is still really into Arekusa.

Quote :
Claude was waiting for the day she'd come to visit them again. He already knew where she was staying at all times after placing his Faustian mark on her. He often visitied her dreams and turned them to nightmares, giving them a horrible twist and mocking her. He remained quiet most of the time, planning to seize her when he would finally have the chance.

Clarification: Claude is still really into Arekusa in a weird demon way that is unlike Sebastian's (in this fic) fluffy bunny demon way.

Alois decides that it would be a nice idea to invite Arekusa to visit her own home, as he has been really missing her. He gets really happy after he learns that it's possible, while Claude just smirks and mentally goes "Excellent."

Quote :
Alois got off the bed and ran around spinning in circles giggling and dancing around. "Yay!" He twirled around and clapped his hands together. "Ole!"

The easiest way to keep canon characters in character is to just lift scenes from the canon. That doesn't mean it's recommended.

After Arekusa has arrived, she wants to help Claude with the tea because apparently she has no idea how to behave as a Victorian noble lady and Claude lets him. So they spend 20 paragraphs chatting, first about the tea, then about their relationship, before we get to the following quote:

Quote :
"C-Claude," her voice began shaking, "you were the only one there for me and took care of me. How can I forget you?"

"You're wrong about that." Claude had a blank expression on his face. He knew it was true, he did care for her, and he was hiding the fact.

You see, the author wouldn't allow us to think that someone really, truly didn't appreciate her Mary Sue, even when that undermines the drama.

Then the pair spends 14 luckily-not-very-long paragraphs going on about whether he loves her or not and get absolutely nowhere. Then the chapter ends.

(Bonus: Wavecrusher will eventually have a love interest. You can try guessing who.)
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:31 am

The "My" version: Chapter 4: Lies

This is a really boring chapter, so I should be done with it relatively quickly.

Arekusa and Claude continue in their "Why don't you love me?!?" mode as if there had been no chapter break at all. 11 and a half paragraphs later there is finally a quotable sentence by Claude.

Quote :
You'll soon feel the spider's venom trailing through your blood slowly as you fall for me..all mine."

Much like Iceglade, Claude has a really weird way of expressing his obsessive love.

Quote :
"I already have you right where I want you.." He leaned in and trailed his lip over her neck, sending shivers up her spine.

Claude claims that Alois is the only one he loves but just can't get over those mixed messages. A few paragraphs later Claude kicks Arekusa in the stomach. Incidentally, we also learn what color betrayal and lies are. They're golden, like Claude's eyes. I wonder how the author determined that.

Arekusa then goes to have a touching moment with Alois. This fic loves making male characters have creepy obsessions with the heroines, and Alois too ends up becoming a victim to that. He lies in Arekusa's arms and gets vaguely incestuous.

(We also learn that Arekusa is Alois's little sister. Assuming they aren't twins, her absolute maximum age is 11.)

Quote :
"You won't be going anywhere...you're mine.." Alois looked up at Arekusa. "Forever..you'll be entangled in my web.."

Origin of A Nightmare

Shinigami

"W-Who are you?" Wavecrusher looked at the two.

Now here is a shining example of a scene transition. Unlike the transitions earlier in this fic, we actually get something to separate the scenes. Too bad that something seems to be a title for a fic that is only somewhat close to the title of this fic. Maybe I should have named this thread as Origin of My/The/a Nightmare(s).

William answers Wavecrusher's question with another question.

Quote :
"The question is who are you?" William lifted his glasses up, the light flashing on them and making them glare. "But we already know that."

They pretty well should know who Wavecrusher is, as they already welcomed him by name in the last chapter, about five seconds ago in the internal chronology of this fic. William proceeds to re-welcome Wavecrusher by name again anyway.

Quote :
"Welcome to the Shinigami Academy, Lord Wavecrusher Tempest. This is the only academy where Shinigami with a Legendary Power attend." He poked Wavecrusher's arm. "You're a Shinigami."

Yes, Wavecrusher will be going to school now. But even among special people he is special.

Quote :
"Whoa.." Ronald exclaimed. "Your Legendary Power is Darkness and Death!" His eyes lit up in excitement.

Wavecrusher gets to look around the place a little bit. It looks about canonical, which is to say significantly more technologically advanced than the Victorian human world. The (grim) reapers/shinigami live in another dimension after all.

The sightseeing is interrupted by Arekusa the murder loli having fun.

Quote :
"Hahaha!" Laughter echoed down from the hallways as another explosion went off. "Hey old man, check out your office!" BOOM!

William's office is all blasted and charred, and there are pages ripped from books scattered around. A normal person would be more than a little angry. Now, I probably should mention that William in the canon is very stiff, very formal, and very strict kind of bureaucrat who takes rules very seriously and does not take kindly people adding to his workload when he is already overworked and forced to do overtime because they don't have enough personnel and definitely is not a pushover.

Quote :
"Hey old man!" The door burst open and Arekusa ran in laughing, her uniform covered in soot.

Arekusa re-establishes her Mary Sue credentials by going against authority and not getting into slightest trouble for it. William is just fine with her repeated destructive bombing sprees. He doesn't even complain about those ripped pages that probably wreaked havoc on important information or worry about one of the bombs killing someone or setting the whole place on fire instead of just leaving the carpet charred black. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Mary Sue aura in action.

And then... the dramatic meeting.

Quote :
"This is our newest student, Wavecrusher." William looked at him.

Arekusa's eyes widened as she realized who it was.

The chapter ends with that cliffhanger. You may wonder what will come next in this fic. Spoiler: Something far, far lamer that you'd think. And yes, I'm meaning it's lame even for a badfic.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:58 am

The "My" version: Chapter 5: Immortality

In an example of terrible editing, the chapter starts off in a very familiar fashion.

Quote :
Origin of a Nightmare.

"W-Who are you?" Wavecrusher looked at the two.

(61 paragraphs skipped...)

Quote :
"This is our newest student, Wavecrusher." William looked at him.

Arekusa's eyes widened as she realized who it was.

Yes, we get a repeat of what happened right in the last chapter. It's not exactly the same though. It has been through some expansion and rearranging. But really, the differences aren't important enough to mention.

Then we finally get to the new material...

Quote :
Chapter 5.

Grim Reaper.

Past, 2 Weeks Ago.

According to the pulldown menu the title of this chapter is "Immortality", but consistency has never been one of our author's strong points. At this point of the story we're dealing with never-before-seen (at least by me) heights of violating consistency until it's curled up in a tiny ball, sobbing.

For example, this section doesn't start two weeks before the previous section, but about two seconds afterwards.

Quote :
Arekusa looked over at him. She knew she saw him somewhere before but she couldn't remember anything. She recognized his face..his stunning Shinigami green eyes and flowing electric blue hair. She remembered his strikingly handsome face, making her blush a bit and glance down at the ground.

That doesn't even qualify as a retcon. Also, Wavecrusher's eyes have mysteriously changed color unless the author thinks aquamarines are chartreuse.

At least the affair of the ruined office hasn't been forgotten, so there's that.

Quote :
Arekusa chuckled and looked at William. "Oops, sorry old man. Why not start the day with a bang!?" She grinned and leaped out of William's office.

"Wow." Wavecrusher smiled.

And that's how the matter is resolved for our bomber loli whom everyone loves. William orders Ronald to work overtime and fix the office.

Eric the canon character makes his appearance and is duly impressed by Wavecrusher's awesomeness.

Quote :
"Whoa!" Eric exclaimed. "Seriously!? That's the most powerful Legendary Power there is! Wow..you're really lucky..only a handful of people here have that."

Wavecrusher is modest about that though.

Quote :
Wavecrusher shrugged, "I just happened to be in the Legendary Accident when I was younger.."

Wavecrusher the pity magnet strikes again and successfully draws pity from Eric as well as yet another "Wow". Also, Legendary Accident. This fic is so full of stupid names.

As cliché would have it, Wavecrusher literally (and I mean literally literally, not metaphorically) bumps into Arekusa. Their awkwardly infatuated words and blushing are interrupted by some canon characters arriving to provide comic relief and sound effects.

Quote :
Vruuun!

BOOM!

It's Grell and Ronald, acting like hyperactive children who just happen to wield deadly weapons! I know Grell has been exaggerated from his manga self into this wacky comic relief character in the anime, but this fic exaggerates that portrayal even further and does the same to Ronald.

Quote :
"I AM THE SPOTLIGHT!" Ron jumped, doing the splits and landing his lawnmower on Grell.

For fighting in the corridor, Grell gets tasked with fixing William's office. For fighting in the corridor, Ronald has his already-assigned work fixing the office halved. Wavecrusher and Arekusa get back to their getting-to-know-each-other phase.

Quote :
Arekusa chuckled and grinned, showing her gleaming sharp fangs as her eyes began glowing demon pink. "I'm a demon too."

"Whoa..first time I've ever met a demon!" Wavecrusher looked at Arekusa in excitement and shock. "I've already heard you've barely lost at Training Hall. I think you'd be an interesting opponent."

It's quite remarkable that the author is allowing her Mary Sue to have lost duels sometimes. I've noticed the author seems to have ambitions of writing thoughtful fiction with complex, multifaceted characters. It's your call how well she has succeeded. Anyway, the shinigami really shouldn't be tolerating a demon among their midst. Demons and shinigami are natural enemies, as they want to do mutually contradictory things with human souls. And by the way, William in particular hates demons very, very, very much, to the point you wonder if he's compensating for something. It's a wonder he hasn't called Arekusa a "noxious beast" yet.

Wavecrusher and Arekusa tell each other their Legendary Powers and are mutually impressed. The author seems to have forgotten about Wavecrusher's Ice power. I suppose he could have skipped mentioning it (and his former contract with Claude the demon) on purpose, but I think the author more likely just forgot about it just like she forgot about people with Legendary Powers sensing each other's Legendary Powers.

For their duel Arekusa and Wavecrusher need scythes, and that provides for the author an opportunity to indulge in her all-original elemental nonsense.

Quote :
"Hmm.." Arekusa walked over to a Fire Legendary Power marked scythes isle and picked out a double bladed scythe, reaching into a white bag beside the Energy Legendary Power and dropping an orb with a wind element stored inside a bucket of water. The water gleamed white and began stirring inside as Arekusa dipped her scythe into the water, causing it to glow white. She mixed her Fire scythe with the Energy Power.

Wavecrusher naturally takes a Death and Darkness scythe and then not-so-naturally whispers a spell on it so that it glows black and produces a dark aura. The two not-yet-lovers have a tough duel, and in a surprise twist Wavecrusher ends up winning. He grabs the blade of Arekusa's scythe, and the metal splits in half and melts.

Quote :
Wavecrusher laughed. "Just one of the things my Legendary Power can do."

What happened to those scythes being indestructible and able to cut through anything (except another death scythe)? Wavecrusher's Legendary Power is stronger than the power of canon.

The pair go to sit on a romantic park bench with flowers all around and finally start to recognize each other simultaneously. Arekusa is the one who breaches the matter first.

Quote :
"I don't really remember but..he locked me and my brother up and hurt us when we were little. All I remember is that he was stunning.." Her voice faded away.

Help! Someone has murdered the timeline! It's not like the timeline was in a good shape before, but now it's really broken. Really, how long did Wavecrusher spend unconscious? Minutes? Hours? Months? Years? In any case, Arekusa should still be a loli, as she is an immortal demon now. As for Wavecrusher, maybe his immortality, the one he got at the age of five, works differently so that he can stay a hot teen forever. On the other hand, maybe he just wears mature-looking clothes and high heels like Ciel and that's how Arekusa, not the sharpest tool in the shed, mistook him for a teenager.

Quote :
I'm sorry for what I did to your mansion, Wave." Arekusa quietly said.

Wavecrusher looked up at her and swallowed hard. "Don't mention it.."

Mutual forgiveness is what the author ordered for the day. Arekusa at least had the excuse of having been imprisoned and tortured, but Wavecrusher was just sitting on his throne and ordering all those crimes for what at this point in the story seems to have been no reason at all. When there is no plausible defense, there is always the choice of going for pity, and that's Wavecrusher he does. His tactic should realistically have about the success rate of someone who bloodily murdered their own parents asking for mercy on the basis that they are now an orphan, but that would get in the way of the romance.

Quote :
Tears formed into Wavecrusher's eyes as he gripped his fists and the tears streamed down his cheeks. "I didn't want to hurt anyone..it was never me.. Rosethorne, IceGlade, and Ceren Sunheart.. It was always them..I hate them.." He looked up at Arekusa as his eyes softened and turned to aqua blue. "I never wanted you to get hurt, I had to leave because I couldn't bear to see you in pain.."

"Wave.." Arekusa gently held his hand. "I.." A tear rolled down her cheek. "I believe you.."

"They wanted me to be some great Lord or something, they wanted me to be the best. They were all used to hurting people, but I didn't wanna hurt anyone. Ceren never listened to me..I hate him so much." He looked into Arekusa's eyes. "I always loved you Arekusa, since the very beginning.."

The deep emotional bond created by the one-hour whirlwind romance is strong enough to produce enough gullibility to drown an ocean. On the other hand, based on what we've seen of Wavecrusher's character, maybe he really is that big of an incompetent wimp despite all of his dark castles and death fences and numerous minions.

And hey, Wavecrusher has color-changing eyes! So does Arekusa, but at least she has the excuse of being a demon.

Quote :
Immortality..my love will never die for you.

"Arekusa?" Wavecrusher whispered. "I.." He leaned in. "I love you."

Forever by your side, my love.

Not having been exactly paying attention to the recent pop songs, I had to check if our characters were mentally quoting lyrics to the famous My Immortal. It turns out they're not. It looks like the author wrote these sappy song lyrics about immortality all by herself.

Quote :
I love you, Wavecrusher. Forever bound in your waves..by your side.

Arekusa's romantic metaphors could really use some polishing, even if she's only thinking them to herself. Then Wavecrusher gets to speaking that stuff aloud.

Quote :
"Immortality, my love will never die for you." Wavecrusher whispered.

Generally, you should address your love confessions to your beloved person. Wavecrusher is here sounds like he's trying to change the subject. Maybe he really likes the idea of never dying, but now shouldn't be the time to talk about that.

Next chapter: Violet returns!
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Nerdanel
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Fri Apr 04, 2014 3:21 pm

The "My" version: Chapter 6: Legendary

It is a dark and stormy night. Violet is wet and miserable in a place that we will learn 25 paragraphs later is a carriage. She is wounded, presumably from the Wavecrusher village massacre that is never referred to and was apparently noticed by no one. We are later told that she has a lot of wounds, so she must have killed lots and lots of nameless guards, some of which managed to get in a flesh wound or two. Or maybe the author forgot that Violet healed herself after Iceglade's treatment.

Alice/Arekusa spent that particular night and more tied up outside back in Chapter 2. The author didn't think to mention the weather back then, giving the impression that it was mild and unexceptional, but now that image has been changed retroactively.

Ciel volunteers Violet his innermost secrets.

Quote :
"Oh." Ciel ran his fingers over his eye patch. "I wanted to talk to you about that.. My eye isn't hurt." He took off the eye patch and opened his eye. Violet gasped as he saw a purple glowing pentagram in his once ocean blue eye.

In the canon Ciel tells about his demonic contract to no one, as secrets on that level are far too damaging to let loose even to the most trusted of people. Of course Violet's Mary Sue aura makes her an exception in this story.

As Sebastian is a fluffy bunny in this story, he didn't make a contract for Ciel's soul. Sebastian apparently made the contract with Ciel solely because Sebastian is an altruistic demon butler who likes to help people for free. Ciel, who doesn't want to share Sebastian in the canon, wants to share him with Violet, no matter how awkward it would be for him to try to serve two masters who might well make want his presence at the same time or give conflicting orders. Ciel had even been carrying an eye patch all this time for Violet's use.

Quote :
Sebastian leaned in and smiled, slipping off his glove revealing his hand that had the same Faustian mark on Ciel's eye. "Close your eyes miss." Violet closed her eyes as Sebastian placed the back of his hand on her left eye. She felt a tingling sensation go through her, tickling her eye a bit. "You can open your eyes now miss." Sebastian said.

As Violet opened her eye, her left eye felt different. She widened her eye, causing the Faustian Mark to glow. Sebastian smiled as he helped her slip on her eye patch. "There, that wasn't so bad was it?"

Just for comparison, this is what making a contract seal is like in the manga:
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A bit later Violet gets randomly all angsty.

Quote :
The darkness follows me..because I am the darkness..My mind is forever trapped in eternal darkness.

Luckily Violet doesn't write down her improvised goth poetry.

Two months later Violet is still in a very bad shape, as she has forgotten how to use her healing powers. Luckily Sebastian has a (very late) suggestion. Maybe he too had forgotten about that bit of trivia, despite his powers of memorization.

Quote :
"Try focusing a little my lady." Sebastian suggested.

Violet took a deep breath and closed her eyes, concentrating on healing her wounds. As she opened her eyes, she slowly lifted her hand and a green aura glew around her hand, shining down on her hand and inching up her arms and legs, sinking in and sucking away the wounds. Violet watched in shock as all the wounds tickled a bit and disappeared.

"Whoa.." Violet's eyes widened.

"That's amazing my lady."

It's so very simple that you'd think Violet had tried that much earlier. In other news, it's confirmed that Violet has had no idea about Arekusa's location and that Wavecrusher's plan to lure Violet out really was that incompetent. Everyone in this story has huge problems with not remembering important things. Anyway, Sebastian has an interesting newspaper to show for Violet.

Quote :
Lord Wavecrusher, part of the Tempest, IceGlade, Rosethorne, EverHeart, and FlameWing noble family, has been missing for the past 2 days. His parents Lord Rutherford and Countess Fiona are still looking for him. Guards have been found dead, rotting all over the mansion along with the other guests and the manor itself has been deserted.

The author apparently has amnesia too, as she doesn't remember that earlier Wavecrusher's mother was dead. Or maybe she just became mute and that's how she has both uttered her last words and is still alive.

Quote :
The dungeon was the most horrific find of all, there was blood splattered everywhere, and Lord Ceren Sunheart was found beheaded. Lord Ceren Sunheart was supposed to join the Tempest Noble Wings in less than a week and he's already been found slaughtered. A few of his guards off duty said Arekusa and Alois Trancy were there before too, they have also escaped.

For some reason, no one wonders why Arekusa and Alois had been kept in the dungeons and if they perhaps might know something about the murders. No one wonders either why Alice has been renamed Arekusa and how the random guards had heard about the renameing. Claude's newsletter must have spread quite thoroughly.

And by the way, I don't know what the Tempest Noble Wings are. They have never been mentioned before.

Quote :
Lord Mercury IceGlade was killed a week ago and is barely recognizable in his state. His Legendary Power was Wind & Energy. His murder is still a mystery, and constables are still trying to find out what happened.

Wow. This world has police after all. They must just be completely incompetent to a degree that's hard to comprehend. Also, newspapers publicly publish people's Legendary Powers. Apparently those are common knowledge now even though they weren't earlier in the story. All of the Tempest brothers have Legendary Powers and all of those are listed. Wavecrusher's Ice power has been forgotten about though.

Wavecrusher's three surviving brothers are interviewed.

Quote :
"He probably ran off somewhere. He never liked the village very much either, he always told us about how he wanted to leave. I mean, how long can you keep a grim reaper entertained, right? Wavecrusher is the highest noble, and my best friend. What's the dude supposed to do?" Said Lord Rosethorne.

Because when a castle is full of corpses and the lord is missing, the natural explanation is that the lord just got bored and left. Rosethorne makes himself sound like the world's most incompetent fratricide.

Quote :
"Nobody wants to the noble work for years, we're all leaving anyways. I say Wavecrusher has a head start, good for him. We're all family, we always stick together, so I'm not worrying too much. I miss the guy though." Said Lord FlameWing.

Because everyone wants abandon a life of luxury and leisure for a life of bureaucracy and mandatory overtime as a civil servant with a death scythe.

Lord EverHeart speaks along the same lines too.

Arekusa used to be staying at the Phantomhives with Violet, but now Arekusa is in the hospital, because the author likes to revise the past at will. It's a complete mystery too why a demon would have to spend time in a hospital instead of regenerating right away. In the canon Sebastian got shot full of bullets and was just fine a moment later. Also, I didn't get the impression that Arekusa was wounded at all on her murder spree, and Claude had healed her just before that. Maybe she fought an angel or something on the way back home even though we were never told about that, and then she couldn't figure out how to regenerate.

Sebastian has enrolled Violet in the Shinigami Academy. William and Ronald appear to pick her up seconds after Sebastian has had time to respond to Violet's surprise with his catchphrase. Luckily Violet doesn't mind.

Quote :
Hello Violet!" Ronald spun around and did a sign with his hands. "Ronald Knox, the next to die for reaper!"

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out that Ronald, who doesn't have a catchphrase in the canon, has been given a catchphrase that is a modified version of Grell's. Another embarrassingly bad thing is how bad Ronald in this story is at catchphrases.

The timeline is wonky again. Arekusa is still in the hospital, but she will be enrolling that same day. Wavecrusher has been placed in a group with his brothers Crimzon Rosethorne and Luke EverHeart, which implies that they have already enrolled. I don't know at which point Arekusa had the time to gain rank as a duelist and go on multiple bombing sprees. Maybe she has a time turner like in Harry Potter.

The chapter ends with everyone present being impressed with Violet's awesomeness once again.

Quote :
"Wait a minute, healing and seeing the future!?" Ronald exclaimed.

"That's quite impressive." William nodded.

"You're quite the electrifying reaper, aren't you my lady?" Sebastian smiles.

"I am." Violet grins.

The bad "electrifying" pun strikes again. It is not electrifying to the reader.
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Nerdanel
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Sun Apr 06, 2014 6:50 am

The "My" version: Chapter 7: Beautiful Tragedy

Violet has a few hours before she has to leave for school, so she goes to meet Arekusa in the hospital. They have never met before, but of course they become instant friends, as that's what Mary Sues do when they meet another Mary Sue by the same author. I'm worried about boring readers, so I'm trying to go through this long and boring section quickly.

Violet randomly has a random future vision about Arekusa waking up, and then she does and says just the same things a few seconds later. You know, we need to be reminded about Violet's 1337 powers. She hasn't seen the future for a while. I just wonder if the author remembers her shape shifting and water control at all or if they have gone down the memory hole in the author's head.

Arekusa and Violet talk about how they have cool Legendary Powers and had been kept as slaves. The following quote is from Violet.

Quote :
"It's alright, I was kept in a village myself that was directly under Lord Wavecrusher's orders. His coat of arms includes Lord Rosethorne, Lord EverHeart, Lord FlameWing, and Lord Iceglade..Mercury Iceglade.."

Firstly, the village (or more properly, the manor) where Violet was kept was directly under Iceglade. Apparently Violet doesn't know what being directly under someone means. Secondly, Violet doesn't know what a coat of arms is either. And she is supposed to be an aristocrat and all.

Quote :
Violet nodded grimly, "I was a slave for many months..now I'm known all around the Tempest noble family because I killed one of them. I killed Mercury Iceglade, and I'm being hunted down as we speak."

In the previous chapter the newspaper said that Iceglade's murder was still a mystery. Really, Wavecrusher should just have told the police that a certain Alois Trancy, currently kept prisoner in the castle dungeons (since it's not like that seems to be a crime in this world) and available for further questioning, had revealed that Iceglade was murdered by Violet Phantomhive. Or maybe Wavecrusher had done so, but the police just forgot all about it because everyone keeps forgetting important things in this world all the time.

Violet uses her magic powers to heal Arekusa's many wounds, the wounds that she apparently only has so that Violet can look cool healing her. Arekusa is the worst demon ever. And by the way, when Violet learns that Arekusa is a demon, Violet reacts with mild surprise. Demons' reputation isn't what it once was. I know Sebastian is sexy and all, but he is seriously evil and sadistic in the canon and not a fluffy bunny. That includes both the anime and the manga.

And then... it's flashback time! It's Wavecrusher's flashback, which means we're up for that crystals-and-wizards nonsense yet again. Wavecrusher's grandmother is called Rosette and her mother is called Angel. In the last chapter his mother was called Fiona, but I suppose she must be his stepmother. Angel's (spoiler: she dies) last words don't match Wavecrusher's mother's last words in Chapter 3 either, so either Angel or that other one must have been a stepmother too. Every single time his mother is mentioned it must have been a different person because of the contradictions - unless you believe Fiona became mute, that is.

Rosette and Angel have been working for several months for a surprise for Wavecrusher and his brothers. It's the Legendary Crystal. It somehow needs a lot of work before it can glow. That's one impractical magic crystal. It's not clear how often it needs to be maintained though.

We get an infodump about the bad guys of the setting.

Quote :
The BattleHeart Legion...that was where the portal led to. Barely any Wizards went through the portal, only spies or assassins. The BattleHeart Legion had always hated the Wizard's of England. In 1455, the Wizard's had refused to work with the BattleHeart Legion as they only wanted power for evil. Ever since that day, the BattleHeart Legion had hated him. They often sent soliders to scare the citizens or mess around, but everyone knew better than that. The Wizard's knew that one day the BattleHeart Legion would be back, and they'd take away something that was more precious to the Wizard's than anything else... The Legendary Crystal.

We get a description of the Legendary Crystal. It shimmers and sparkles and reflects "true energy and power" and looks like a clip art collection.

Quote :
Everyone gasped as they looked up to see the enormous light blue glowing crystal. Floating around the middle of the crystal was a little thunder cloud, lightning bolt, a mini tree with large roots, a leaf, a black aura, a black sharp claw, a flame, a phoenix, a drop of water, a tornado, and a little glowing ball.

What can I say? I'm reminded of the time I played Secret of Mana. It showed magic skills a lot like this, and I don't think it's the only computer RPG to take that approach. I don't think magic crystals should look like RPG skill screens even if they do give Legendary Powers to people. We also learn that the Legendary Crystal can restore hit points and mana points. It's probably a save point too.

Quote :
But Wave knew the Legendary Crystal wouldn't become anything but a beautiful tragedy, a disaster that was waiting to happen.

The five-year-old Wavecrusher's random bout of random insight is shown to be 100% accurate a second later or so.

Quote :
His eyes widened as he saw the first bullet pierce through the window, flying and making it's way right to Wave's forehead. Angel spotted it too, she turned around and narrowed her eyes as she held up her hand and snatched the bullet, breaking it in midair.

Angel probably isn't supposed to be a demon, but here she is copying Sebastian's trick. She can even crush bullets with her bare hands, something that Sebastian has never done.

Quote :
"EVERYONE, DUCK!" Angel screamed as bullets whizzed all around. The window's smashed and laughing soldiers made of skeletons, wielding guns and swords in their hands flew in.

This world has wizards and magic crystals, so it shouldn't be that surprising that there are noncanonical skeleton armies too. Based on what we've heard about them earlier in this chapter, their typical operations sound like jumping from bushes and frightening people, but now the BattleHeart types are ready to take their villainy to the next level and actually battle someone. With a name like BattleHeart, you'd think they'd be more warlike, but then, their skeletal bodies don't have hearts, because, you know, they're magically animated skeletons.

(There are undeads in the canon. They are far better than this.)

Rosette dies to a bullet. A little later a particularly stupid Battleheart skeleton shoots the crystal's pedestal. The other skeletons try to stop the fall but the Legendary Crystal goes "SMASH!" anyway and leaks everywhere. That's why you don't entrust delicate robbery missions to skeletons.

Quote :
The liquid burned through Wave's robe, knocking everyone down and into a deep sleep just by the fatal odor.. Wavecrusher could feel the liquid surge through his veins, twitching him as more of the content spilled out of the crystal and washed over everyone.

If the odor merely makes everyone sleep, then it's not a fatal odor. It's pretty odd that skeletons turn out to be able to sleep, by the way. That's not how it usually goes.

Angel says the wrong last words and gets killed by a sword skeleton just like that. This means for the boys that the "BattleHeart Legion stole everything from them" except, you know, each other, their father, their home, their status as high nobility, and so on. Wavecrusher and his brothers (except Iceglade, who has been strangely absent in this entire flashback) get their awesome Legendary Powers of awesomeness and also become immortal for some reason. As Death & Darkness naturally gives immortality, Wavecrusher is now doubly immortal. He should be triply immortal, but apparently normal grim reapers in this world are mere mortals.

Quote :
Nobody had better skills of Life and Earth than Luke did. Nobody could master Fire and Ice like Blake did. Nobody could conquer Electricity and Thunder like Crimzon did. And nobody..nobody was as powerful as Wavecrusher Ceruleun Tempest. The grim reaper with the ultimate power of Darkness and Death.

A common theme in Kuroshitsuji Mary Sue fics is to give the Mary Sues titles in the form of the Queen's X, where X is some cool animal. This fic goes beyond the usual Queen's Menagerie in both numbers and the lack of limitation to animals. This is a long segment but I'm going to quote it all.

Quote :
Lord Wavecrusher Cerulen Tempest, master of Darkness and Death. He sat on his throne and rest his chin on his hand as he gazed out the window. Serving the Queen, he was the Master of Death, the Queen's Wave.

Lord Luke James EverHeart Tempest, Master of Life and Earth, the Queen's Snake.

Lord Crimzon Rosethorne Tempest, Master of Electricity and Lightning, the Queen's Scarecrow.

Lord Blake FlameWing Tempest, Master of Fire and Ice, the Queen's Pheonix.

And there were the one's in the shadows...

Arekusa Trancy, the Queen's Raven. Dark wings surrounding her as she dewelled in the darkness.

Alois Trancy, the Queen's Spider. Crawling in the dark corners, waiting to inject venom into the enemies.

Ciel Phantomhive, the Queen's Guard dog. The loyal guard that growled in the darkness, waiting to bite.

There was one who lay in the darkness, who's eyes pierced the night, who lay in the black midnight. Violet Phantomhive, the Queen's Panther. Spilling like thunder, deadly electrifiying, waiting to pounce.

Well, at least Ciel as the Queen's Watchdog isn't the one with the least impressive name this time around... We can only imagine what Rosethorne thinks about getting to be the Scarecrow.

Violet, of course, gets to be all cool as the Queen's Panther. She is "deadly electrifying" again too, as if that was the best descriptor ever, and I still don't know what that "spilling like thunder" is supposed to refer to. Thunder isn't a liquid. Maybe Violet can shift her shape into a liquid, and the author never bothered to tell us.
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PostSubject: Re: Origin of My/The Nightmares   Sun Apr 06, 2014 9:23 am

In case you're still interested, this story just keeps going further into the "who cares" territory. I'll go through the highlights.

Sebastian and Ciel continue to adore Violet and bring her gifts. Lots and lots of time is devoted to Violet and Arekusa being best friends and hanging together.

It's confirmed that Fiona is indeed Wavecrusher's stepmother. His true mother's name used to be Angel. Then it's Julia. Then it's Alicia. The author really can't seem to mention Wavecrusher's mother without making her a different person every time.

Violet has brief fling with Undertaker. He is a character who is very different in the anime and the manga. Undertaker in the anime is an eccentric old guy who means well. Undertaker in the manga is a white-haired prettyboy mass murderer who (despite his many fans' attempts to deny it) is heavily implied to be a necrophiliac. So, which version did Violet romance? The answer in all likelihood is "the best parts from both". Even though this story is clearly based on the anime, I don't think anyone wrote Undertaker romance, so prevalent nowadays, before his sexiness was revealed in the manga.

The last four chapters that currently exist are devoted on retelling a greatly expanded version of the Legendary Accident because we can apparently never get enough of that crystals-and-skeletons stuff. It's not like the new version is exactly consistent with the old version in anything other than the few main points, but you probably guessed that. You might be however interested in learning that the skeleton soldiers arrived through the air in "giant black metal ship" that had "a skull painted on the front". Subtle.

There is also a noteworthy scene of Violet and Arekusa dressing up gothy in Chapter 12.

Quote :
Violet picked out her black leather assassin outfit. Black strapped bra top, long leggings, fingerless leather gloves, and a black cape that wrapped around her. She always wanted to use it for a special dueling occasion, and now it was time for her to show off her skills and join a dueling team.

She smiled as she picked it up, slipping it on. She drew a lightning bolt on her cheek and looked in the mirror as the black lightning bolt appeared on her cheek. She tied back her black bandana engraved with the letter "V" in gold around her mouth. She put on a lightning bolt shaped glowing eye patch and looked down at her hands as they crackled with electricity. She picked up her main Death Scythe, Electra. A glowing trident that sparkled with electricity along the tips. A long smooth light blue staff with "Violet" engraved on the side in gold, a sharp silver trident with a blue glowing aura around it.

I don't think grim reapers are supposed to dress that way. They're civil servants, not assassins, and anyway, Violet's attention-grabbing "assassin outfit" with the glowing, sparkling trident and all isn't exactly suited for assassinations.

Quote :
Arekusa put on a black leather outfit, slipping on a cloak around her and cracking her knuckles. She tied her hair back in a pony tail and picked up her Death Scythe, Black Lace. She carried the heavy black scythe in her hands and smirked at her reflection in the gleaming blade.

She's even gothier than Violet.

And finally, some current stats:
Origin of My Nightmares: Reviews: 3. Favorites: 1. Follows: 2
Phantom Black Oblivion: Darkness and Light: Reviews: 0. Favorites: 0. Follows: 1.

This stuff is too bad even for the fangirls.
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