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 March is Mykan Month

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TheIan
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PostSubject: March is Mykan Month   Tue Mar 04, 2014 4:09 pm

Welcome to March, the Month of Mykan!

You’re probably wondering why I’m doing this; why March? Well, for one thing, I like alliteration. It’s awesome, applicable, affective, and altogether awesome.
The other reason I’m doing March as Mykan Month, is because I look at one the most pathetic writers in the Pit and just feel like spiting him. I got nothing personal against the man-child, I just think he’s worth pointing and laughing at. So each week in March, I’ll put up a snark of one of his one-shots, because it’s nice and easy to sink your teeth into. I just hope my soul isn’t crushed in the process of this.

The first story I’ll be looking at is from a fandom I’m near and dear to; Teen Titans. Not the comics, mind, my love for that came afterward. Way back in the day, I was a massive fan of the Teen Titans animated series. Which is why I present the first story of the week of Mykan Month, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

This is the thing about Mykan; he hasn’t let go of how the series ended when it was canceled in 2007. He has devoted the entirety of his misery and hatred to the unexpected series finale since.

And I thought Jehovah’s Witnesses were devoted.

So it begins where the series left off, with Beast Boy leaving a school-girl!Terra at school and disappearing into Cancellation Land! Only, this picks up from there.
Quote :
"…Come with me." Beast Boy said, in one last attempt to convince the girl to change her mind, but Terra shook her head and insisted. "You go. You're the teen titan. That's who you are. That's not me. I'm not a hero. I'm not out to save the world. I'm just a girl with a geometry test next period and I haven't studied."
She backed away from him as the bell rang and all the students came out, and she seemed to just disappear out of his sights and his life forever.
Fans would normally cry at this tender and well-written moment in the series, Mykan just managed to cry and masturbate about it for nearly seven years.


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He then turned on his heel and dashed out of the school ultimately accepting that he had lost, and it was time to embrace his fate as he ran off to join his teammates.
His mind so deep in thoughts of defeatism and foreshadowing horrific deaths for him and his team, he unwittingly ran headlong into the girl’s bathroom.

After a stray ellipsis we fast forward to join Beast Boy in the fray.
Quote :

He joined with the others at the recycling plant. "Yo' man… where have you been!" snapped Cyborg.
“Sorry, the grocery store had a sale on tofu and I couldn’t pass it up!”

Quote :
"Never mind…!" Beast Boy thundered and he turned into a T-Rex and tail-swatted the robot hard into a steel wall.
Robin dashed after the robot, ready to strike with his staff, when the robot absorbed the elements of the wall and vanished, causing Robin to miss.
This action then led to Robin’s staff breaking, and go flying at a 64-degree angle, striking a hapless sparrow in flight to plummet down an open manhole, causing a laughing sewer worker to choke to death on a featherless bird. Good job, Robin.

Quote :
"Beast Boy, can you sniff around for him?"
Beast Boy changed into his normal form. "Don't have to tell me twice." He said and he changed into a bloodhound and sniffed around along the walls.
Not there, Beast Boy! That’s a hobo’s urinal!

Needless to say, Beast Boy finds the scent, and leads the team to it. Of course, it’s written with more words than necessary.
Quote :
The scent became stronger, and Beast Boy motioned at a darker steel wall before him. "Stand back!" cried Cyborg as he fired his sonic-cannon at the wall, forcing the robot to come out of hiding.
One-by-one, the titans went after him, only to get punched, tossed, or knocked aside by the robot's incredible strength from absorbing the steel.
Don’t worry if you don’t remember that happening. It was only, like, four paragraphs ago.

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Starfire fired her star-bolts, and managed to scratch the robot's surface, and knock him across the floor, but the robot didn't seem to get any weaker, and merely forced its strong fists into the floor ripping out the solid floor tiles and flinging them at Starfire. Raven used her powers to grab them fling them right back, but the robot dodged them.
"This guy is really starting to bother me." Raven grumbled.
I don’t blame you, Raven. Mykan’s writing style seems to be the height of verbal moonwalking.

Oh, you were talking about the white menace, weren’t you?

Quote :
The robot leapt down over the side to the factories lower level, and into another room. "After him…! We can't let him escape!" shouted Robin.
“Let us pursue our unexplained antagonist for purposes that we never bother to explore but would never touch on anyway! FUCK HIM UP!”

The team continues onward, while Starfire shows some concern for Beast Boy’s state of mind, but it leads to nowhere important. Meanwhile, an unmentioned sixth member of the Teen Titans jumps in.
Quote :
There was no sign of the robot anywhere inside, suggesting he had hidden within the material of something else. Beats Boy sniffed around for him again.
Beats Boy, with the power of beat-boxing, astounds his opponents into a catatonic state with mouth-sounds one thinks the impossible!

Also known as Michael Winslow.

And then the robot decides it wants Raven to be its own personal squeak toy.
Quote :
"Raven!" shouted Robin, and before Raven could do anything she could feel the robot squeezing her hard like a soda-can followed by the sickening sounds of her bones crunching and her blood spewing forth. "AAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
I’m sorry, but this is all I can think of when I read this!


I’d share a shorter video, but not everyone here likes ponies, so hopefully DBZ Abridged will have to do.

I don’t know what I hate more about this: The fact he just killed off Raven so easily, or the fact she didn’t try to rotate the control stick to shake free.

Quote :
The others dashed over to try and help her, but… it was too late. "NO…!" cried Beast Boy as he and the others watched as the robot threw Raven's body to the side and she didn't get up; as she was very dead!
She has ceased to be! She has gone off to meet her maker! She is pushing up daisies! She has shuffled off her mortal coil! She has left for the great Lunatica concert in the sky! This is an EX-TITAN!!

Thank you, Mykan, as if we couldn’t figure that out on our own. Fuck you.

So with their Mage down, the party goes berserk.
Quote :
Tears came to Starfire's eyes as she fell to her knees, quivering; in shock "Raven…!" she sobbed "Raven…!"
Cyborg and Robin felt their angers break through the roof and they both roared loudly as they charged forth, and double-whammed the killer Very hard into a wall.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
No single competent, sane person writes like this.

Quote :
The remaining titans dashed after the robot, determined to avenge Raven's death. Their newfound rage and hatred seemed to give them more strength
Goooood! Let the hate flow! Give in to your anger.

Quote :
as they punched, shoved and blasted the robot hard, but the robot was still not willing to give up and fought back, returning all the attacks.
Beast Boy latched onto him and turned into an electric eel, and tried to short him out with electricity. It seemed to work, at first, but the robot actually managed to absorbed event he electricity itself. "Beast Boy, stop! You're making him stronger!" shouted Robin.
“And by ‘make him stronger’, I mean you’re giving him the weirdest boner!”

Basically, Beast Boy totally fucked up and boosted the enemy’s power level to over 9000. In the series, the enemy in question was seen only to be capable of absorbing properties of a solid nature, metal, stone, concrete and whatnot via physical contact. So to absorb electricity isn’t really a possibility. I know that Mykan is trying to test the limits of imagination, but he can’t seem to go very far for his own sake.

But the only way to try and stop the menace from spamming Thunderbolt like  a douchey trainer, is for Cyborg to use Self Destruct!
Quote :
Cyborg saw the only way how, but it was risky; too risky!
Risky indeed! Who could conveniently have 50 gallons of honey, axle grease, two 40 ounce bottles of 190-proof straight vodka and a bus-full of nuns?

Quote :
Robin caught onto the idea. "Cyborg, No!"
“I don’t even know where you’re going with whatever idea you have, but don’t do it!”

Quote :
"I gotta..!" shouted Cyborg as he dashed right at the robot, slamming into hard and shoving it hard back across the floor, and they both fell into a tank where water came into be recycled.
Eeeewwww, death by poo-water!


Quote :
They found bits and pieces of Cyborg's broken-up body scattered all over the place, including his busted, dying head lying in the middle. "Cyborg!" cried Starfire as she and the others dashed over to gaze down at the head.
Can’t say there isn’t enough Cyborg to go around anymore, I guess.

What, too soon?

Quote :
"Dude!" cried Beast Boy as tears to his eyes. "Cyborg, no…!"
Cyborg managed to gaze at them all, his vision was statically fading fast with distortion, and managed to say, "See ya… guys… I love… y'all." and he complete shutdown, beyond any hope of repair or removing the life he once had.
Robin couldn't believe it. "…Cyborg."
“You… you owed me fifty bucks!”

But hey, mission accomplished, right? No more enemy to worry about, Cyborg’s sacrifice wasn’t in vain, Raven’s been avenged, it’s time to go get some mourning waffles!
Quote :
As the friends mourned over the loss of Cyborg and Raven, Starfire and Beast Boy were so lost in their devastation, that they didn't see the robot, survived the electric explosion and was now in the form of water,


Quote :
as it rose up high from below in the tank and eyed at them all, but Robin saw him just as he shaped his right arm into a sharp spear of water and dashed right at them. "LOOK OUT…!" he shouted as he heroically shoved his friends out of the way, only to get struck hard himself.
AND THEN ROBIN DIES

First off, Mykan, fuck you.
Second of all, water needs to be at an extremely high pressure and focused into a single point for it to even be used effectively to pierce human flesh. Water contained into the volume of a shape does not an effective weapon make.
Third, fuck you, Mykan!

Anyway, while Starfire and Robin fulfill a dying-in-the-arms-of-your-loved-one trope, Michael Winslow comes back to lay some fresh beats!
Quote :
Starfire ran to him and clutched his dead body, while Beats Boy, so incensed began to lose it, and he felt himself slipping away as the Beast began to take over again.
And no, the Beast is not his penis.
The Beast is actually an alternate form for Beast Boy from the episode The Beast Within, from Season 3.

The Unknown White Menace escapes and Beast Boy pursues, leaving Starfire to mope. Beast Boy and Michael Winslow fight against the menace.
Quote :
The beast lost sight of the robot, but did have extra special sense of smell, and was able to find him hiding in the brick-walls of walkway leading to the entrance of the factory. The beats smashed the walls forcing the robot to come out from hiding.
Nothing can resist the alluring power of Michael Winslow!

Quote :
Now as a brick monster, the robot and the beast brawled hard, strength to strength, but the beast seemed to have the advantage what with its natural brute force, and the rage from the deaths of his friends and the loss of Terra, it managed to break the arms of the robot clean off.
And Beast Boy couldn’t do this earlier because…?

Seriously, how easy a victory would it have been for Beast Boy to go full Beast on the menace, tear its arms off and dismantle it? It could have been done in about five minutes and then the Titans would be off finding a new place to have pizza!

Quote :
The robot glared angrily at the beast, and changed back into his normal white shape. Without the use of his arms, he could no longer absorb elements, but that didn't mean he was finished. His red eyes glowed brighter than ever, ready to fire a laser at the beast.
Sure, give them laser-vision, why? Because fuck you reader, I’m TOOOOORRTUUURRREEDD!!!
That is you, Mykan. That is how dumb you sound.


Quote :
The beats gasped in horror as he watched his last friend float softly onto the ground. "Robin… I have failed you!" were he last thoughts, and she expired!
Damn, I used the Dead Parrot bit too soon!

And Beast Boy takes Starfire’s death as eloquently as possible.
Quote :
The beast fell to his knees and pounded his huge fists right through the solid pavement and roared angrily.
The robot stomped towards the beast ready to finish him off too with one final blast from his laser, but at the last second, the beast grabbed the robot and held him over his head and tossed him way up high into the air and then leapt up alongside of him and shoved down hard on him, sending it crashing down towards a grinding turbine below, destroying it completely.
Again, I ask, WHY WAS THIS SO FUCKING HARD TO DO FROM THE START?

Quote :
The beast eventually changed back into Beast Boy, but the bodies of his dead friends brought so much sadness to him, and combined with what he went through with Terra, and he was really weak form the battle… that he died of a broken heart… right there on the ground. "Good-bye… Terra…!"
They’re all dead now, Mykan, I bet writing this was real therapeutic for you, because this was just—

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT OVER YET?!

Quote :

At the same time, Terra was having lunch at school, when she felt a sickening feeling run down her spine as if something was really, really, wrong!
The cafeteria’s “mystery” meat special was finally coming back up on her.

The story, luckily, is almost done, as it goes on about how the Titans are reported dead and there’s a big funeral event that could rival Superman’s death.
Quote :
The city held a big funeral for the heroes of their city and buried their remains in the cemetery with a big statue of them standing heroically. Almost everyone in the city and even around the world either attended the service, or watched it on live on television.

Quote :
But no one… absolutely no one in the entire world felt as upset, and as devastated as Terra, especially when it came to Beast Boy, and she couldn't help but feel guilty that it was what happened between them at the school that caused part of this… which it did!
I got nothing for this. If this is what Mykan got coming away from the series, then he clearly missed the memo about Terra’s character in the series finale. A hero is not so selfish as to think one person will affect whether they live or die. I’m sorry if my thinking seems antiquated, but a superhero must always put themselves first in a fight rather than someone else. They can’t be allowed the distraction of someone else otherwise, it’s a risk that leads to dead heroes. Yeah, Cyborg’s death in this story goes against what I’m saying, that he died because he was thinking about his friends. And in the end, his death was for nothing.

Quote :
All she tried to do was erase all the bad things she had done in her memory, only to have made things worse than ever. She felt so guilty, so devastated, and so upset… that there was only one way out of it for her this time.
If that answer isn’t “ice cream” or “rave party”, it’s the wrong answer.

Quote :

One day, Terra had not shown up for First-Period. She was seen going into the girl's bathroom, but she hadn't come out since. A lot of her classmates felt maybe she was more devastated than anyone thought. Even the teacher acknowledged that everyone felt bad, even he did.
"But you're all here for school aren't you? And what does that tell me? That you want to get over what happened and move on, and that's good. After all, the titans wouldn't want us to spend the rest of our lives grieving over them, would they?"
The irony of this is Mykan hasn’t even bothered to follow his own fucking wisdom.

Quote :
The students began to agree, and the teacher sent Jackie and Jillian to the girl's bathroom to check and see if Terra was still there…
…but when they arrived, a horrible sight met their eyes. Terra was lying on the floor, with a switch-blade knife stabbed into her chest, deliberately!
She was actually trying to perfect her audition for the part of Juliet and slipped on a banana peel.

But unlike Terra, I don’t go to such extremes wishing this story to be over.

Quote :
Earlier, she had found a switch-blade, and decided the best way to end everything and stop herself from causing any more pain and grief to herself and those around her… was to kill herself.
…and she did. She hated to do it at school, but, she just didn't care.
A big memorial service was held for Terra at her school, though many of the students and teachers didn't seem to know much about her. They held a small memorial for her and the titans, and allowed this to teach them all how things are not carved in stone, and that everyone doesn't have to be the way most people say, even if it is not true to one's self, or to others.
Of course suicide and bullying didn't qualify, but it was important to remember that people change all the time and they did not have to act the same way forever. It was only by choice what they chose to do with their lives, or based on the actions of others.
Fuck you, Mykan, what a tacked-on, pretentious bullshit message!

This story sucks! Apart from the fact this was nothing more than a snuff-fic, there is nothing even remotely worth anyone’s time in reading it. It’s boring, over-written bullshit with the shock-value of an Eli Roth movie.

So that was the first story of Mykan Month! Whether you want me to or not, next week I’ll be looking at why Mykan is considered the King of the Dakari.

Right now, I need to go lie down for a bit. Fuck this story.


Last edited by TheIan on Wed Mar 05, 2014 10:33 am; edited 2 times in total
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Tue Mar 04, 2014 4:59 pm

...but is there not a brand new Teen Titans cartoon now

I'm seeing something all over tumblr that looks like it
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Tue Mar 04, 2014 5:48 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
...but is there not a brand new Teen Titans cartoon now

I'm seeing something all over tumblr that looks like it
Teen Titans GO! doesn't count. It may have all the old voice actors, but it doesn't have the spirit of the old series.
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:09 am

Ugh, I hate GO! The original series was great; I miss it, though was sad at the 'ending'.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:32 am

Lot of people seem to enjoy it, but regardless of whether you like it or not it is kind of a completely different show. Not a whole lot of plot, mostly gags, practically a different genre altogether.

Also: man that was a pointless slog of a fic.
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Shadow Sora94

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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Wed Mar 05, 2014 2:09 pm

I should probably continue my MLP sporking of that story of his if you're gonna make this Mykan Month

sobs
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Thu Mar 06, 2014 1:39 pm

Okay for serious Ian I just read your whole snark and... you could boil it down to being a pointless snuff fic. Ripping on a typo? Swearing at the author? Son I am disappoint.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Thu Mar 06, 2014 8:16 pm

Eh, to each their own.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Tue Mar 11, 2014 9:33 pm

Week two of Mykan Month! The doctors said my wounds have closed after the first story, so let’s not waste any time and reopen them with another abomination, shall we?

This time, I’m looking at a fanfic from a fandom I loved at a younger age: Digimon. Coincidentally, this fandom is also the reason Mykan has appointed himself the King of Dakari (which is weird, because I didn’t vote for him). Needless to say, I grew out of Digimon after the second season, but I was a huge nerd for it back in the day. The majority of my fanfiction at the time consisted entirely of Digimon. So I deem it appropriate to return to my roots.

Thus the story this week, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].

Quote :
CHAPTER ONE
Boy am I glad it didn’t go beyond this.

Quote :
Many years had passed since Maylo-Myotismon's defeat…
Most of the Digi Destined moved on with their lives, graduating high-school, going through college, many of them had finally achieved their dream careers,
A part-time job at the Sizzler? ONLY IN ALBUQUERQUE!

Quote :
while some were still studying just a little longer. A lot of them had even found special someone, and had gotten married and begun to settle down.
And promptly divorced when their spouse offered they join the Columbia Record Club.

Quote :
Even Patamon and Gatomon, but they preferred to date as Angemon and Angewomon.
Because it isn’t creepy enough to see an ear-winged hamster and a cat spooning, here are two religious symbols spooning, instead.

Mykan, buddy, you haven’t been to the dark side of Digi-Porn fanfic, have you?

Quote :
Kari and TK dated a long time, and after years of it, they finally got engaged, and as luck would have it, so had Yolei and Ken. They all decided to have a joint wedding, and then everyone could attend what they hoped to be one of the biggest and grandest celebrations of the year.
Come on, what could possibly be bigger and grander than Free Waffle Day?

Quote :
Almost everyone that is…
Ever since Kari and TK started dating in college, Davis had been rarely seen, mainly because he was a busy man now.
“Busy”. Yeah, his dick wasn’t going to sad-jerk itself.

Yes, all-powerful corporate entrepreneur Davis Motomiya (Holy shit, how have I remembered that name after all these years?) is so wealthy and successful, but he can’t get over a high school crush. This is the emotional equivalent of an alien race capable of traveling light-years to Earth but can’t open a wooden fucking door.
Quote :
As president and CEO of the most successful noodle company in the world, his new job had taken him to many business meetings all around the world, however… whenever he seemed to have free time, either in another country, or finally at home. He wouldn't talk to anyone. He'd never call or email.
Due, probably, to the fact he lost everyone’s number or e-mail. He was impractically stupid like that.

Davis has only ever been able to take solace in the fact he would cross into the Digital World to ensure no new threats popped up, and often comes into -GASP!- contact with others once in a while and –GASP AGAIN!- socialize with them!

Which is an over-exaggeration; it’s not like they tied him to a wall, stuck a funnel in his mouth and force-fed him nothing but sauerkraut.

Quote :
The only people he seemed to be really open with were Ken and Yolei, he trusted them, and they knew the real reason he was avoiding everyone.
"It's Kari, isn't it?" Ken asked.
Davis let out a small sigh "Yep. Another mystery solved, detective."
“It wasn’t that hard to figure out. What else could a Dakari write about?”

Quote :
Davis tried his best to get Kari out of his mind.
He even went so far as to attach a dozen starving, crazed weasels to his face.

Quote :
He knew she liked TK, and eventually it turned into love. Everyone always said they made such a cute couple.
They ate together, they bathed together, they even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss!

So yeah, Davis is being a whiny, mopey little bitch. That doesn’t sound like a certain pairing-obsessed writer, does it?

Quote :
Now all anyone could talk about were the upcoming weddings, which were only a week away.
But that was beside the point. He tried therapy, he tried going out with other girls, but nothing was helping. His heart belonged to Kari, and she didn't feel the same, "What's the point anymore?" he would ask.
That’s what I’m asking. What’s the point of this story? To feel sorry for Davis and, by extension, you, Mykan? Because, BAAAWWW NO ONE ELSE SUPPORTS MY PAIRING AND I’M ALL ALONE

CRAAAAAWWLLIIIIINNNNG IIINN MY SKIIIIN

Quote :
Staring at Kari and TK, and knowing how happy they were together was too much for his aching heart.

It was so inevitable, I held out using this for as long as I could.

Of course Ken, one of the only good characters on the show, has an idea to try and get Davis to stop acting like a depressed 12th grader.
Quote :
"Davis…?" Ken asked nervously. "Look, I know this is probably a bad idea, but… I need to ask anyway. Will you be my best man at the wedding?"
Davis did look strange for a moment.
Like a cow looks at an oncoming train...

Quote :
A mixture of shock and sadness that Ken would dare invite him to his wedding, knowing TK and Kari's wedding would proceed at the same time. "I'm sorry." Ken said
"No don't be." Davis said with a weak smile. "I won't be able to anyway. I won't be here."
"You have to go away again?" Yolei asked "When will you be back?"
Davis now looked sad "I won't be back."
Hey kids, can you spot the obvious, unsubtle suicide talk?

Quote :
He regretted to say, and he explained that he had ordered his new world-wide head office to be based in California and he'd be running his company full-time from there.
Oh, well fine! Take the fun out of it why don’cha?

Yolei and Ken don’t really buy Davis’s story, and were right about it, just like that time a big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and one nostril barged into their apartment and stole Ken’s lucky snorkel. OK, even I know I’m reaching the end of milking Albuquerque for jokes with that one, and I’m sorry.

Quote :
The next morning, Ken and Yolei found out he had lied to them…
When they got to his apartment only find he had already left without calling them, and when they asked the manager.
…What’d they ask the manager? How many molecules there are in Leonard Nimoy’s butt? If they have any jelly donuts? If she wants to join the Columbia Record club? (Wait, I used that one already, fuck!)

Well, the cowardly and friendless Davis (Yeah, great depiction of the DigiDestined chosen for Courage and Friendship, dumbass!) apparently up and runs away from his problems and is never to be heard from again. Except for the note he leaves behind conveniently for everyone to read that somehow has enough of an emotional effect on everyone that it cancels both weddings.
Quote :
She explained that Davis left for the airport and she knew that his plane left at nine in the night.
Davis had slipped off without so much as leaving them his number, his email address, or anything, all but one note…
By the time you two read this, you'll already have discovered that I lied to you and I'm gone.
I felt it was best to do it this way and not to your faces, because as much as I don't like it… when I said I'm moving away from everything… that means the two of you as well. I don't think we should comminute with each other anymore as it won't help me recover and start over.
I'm sorry for lying to you, and I know you may not forgive me for it, but… try and be happy together. I love you both.
…Davis!
…JACKAL!

Yeah, makes no sense, either.

Quote :
Yolei and Ken had to show the others. "He's gone!" snapped Tai
"When, how…?" snapped Matt.
TK thought Davis was a real jerk for just up and abandoning everyone without explanation, and Kari also thought it was mean of him to just up and lie like that, but that's when Ken and Yolei explained why Davis left. "Because of me…?" Kari asked "I thought he was over me…?"
"It looks like he wasn't." Gatomon said.
"So, he's really gone?" asked Patamon "All alone…?"
"I don't think so…" said Wormon "He has Veemon with him."
TK was still badmouthing Davis for what he did "That jerk, how dare he upsets us all before the weddings."
“There were going to Shriners and lepers who played their ukuleles all day long and someone would gladly shave your back for nickel!”

Quote :
And then… much to everyone else's shock. Yolei and Ken weren't sure their wedding would happen. They were too depressed, and they couldn't just pretend to be happy and move on just like that. "I guess that's it then." Ken said, and as much as Yolei hated to agree "Our wedding's off."
A long moment of silence fell on the room, and Cody gazed out the window at the sky. "Damn it, Davis." He thought to himself.
Damn it, Mykan.

This story sucks.

And I’m glad it’s never been picked up and updated again, because one chapter was too much for this mindless, angsty pile of emo-sad in a bucket of depression with a side of WAAAAAAAAAH-Sauce.

Week two of Mykan Month has come to an end, and next week will be in a fandom I recently picked up on. We’re gonna head from an old fandom into a new one I recently entered: Total Drama.






Oh yeah, and before I forget... ALBUQUERQUE!
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Wed Mar 12, 2014 11:10 am

What a bunch of jackasses. "Let's pay thousands of dollars to get married, the stop the weddings because someone's feelings were hurt." Geez, why couldn't they cancel the weddings over cheating fiance's like normal people. Loved the song reference, by the way. That one is one of my favorites.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Fri Mar 21, 2014 7:48 pm

Sorry this is so late, folks, I had a horrible thing called Work running interference on me. Not to mention I was slightly unmotivated after last week's travesty.

Welcome to week three of Mykan Month! Last time, I rowed with a story from an old fandom I have since left behind. This week, I go to blows with a fandom I recently got into.

Those of you who don’t know (And if you don’t care, then screw you), Total Drama is a Canadian animated reality series parodying other reality shows like Survivor or Big Brother and it follows the exploits of teens. The thing is, these teens are crazy; all of them. The host even more so.

And I fucking love it.

It has quality writing, fun and interesting characters, and has its share of references and jokes just about every age can get behind. It’s a good show. So imagine my surprise when I found out Mykan had written fanfiction for it.

I’m just glad he hasn’t written any fanfic for Detentionaire yet.

So this week’s slice of Mykan Trash pie, we look at a Total Drama World Tour story titled [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].

Quote :
Author's notes:
Ugh! The Document Manager is doing it again; smuding my words together. I can't fix them or it just smudges more words
Sorry folks... just just and work with it, but there's nothing I can do.
How about correcting the mistakes yourself, then?

We start the story just after Tyler’s elimination in the episode The EX-Files, and tensions seem to mount in the Loser Class of Jet McLean.
Quote :
EPISODE
(Part one)
It all started with an episode that was meant to be captured on Total Drama, but couldn't properly air because of something extremely sick, yet awesome as Chris put it.
He was gonna leave them in the abandoned ruin of Aperture Science?

Quote :
Team Chris is really hot was in loser-class, only three members remained, but Owen was givingDuncansour looks. "What…?" snapped the delinquent. Owen simply turned his back, "I have nothing to say to you. Nope! Not a word. Not a single sound."
“Except for these five sentences, then I’m ignoring you forever.”

Quote :
Duncanwas growing annoyed by all the harshness people were giving him because of him and Gwen. "Ah… come on, man!"
“If you’re gonna give me the cold shoulder, at least turn around!”

Quote :
Owen simply scoffed, but then Alejandro stepped in. "Gentlemen… Gentlemen… Por Favor. There is no need for all this conflict. We are teammates aren't we?" Duncan and Owen agreed and Alejandro continued, "We must remember, strategy over feelings… and we can overcome anything."
Alejandro Burromuerto, the Archvillain, Mastermind, Gentleman, apparently gets his wisdom from episodes of Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Wouldn’t have guessed.

While the boys are disagreeing over who’s the prettiest, the First Class (reserved for the team who wins reward challenges) has a different problem to deal with: Gwen’s apparent betrayal of Courtney’s trust in hooking up with Duncan.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the show is like a soap opera for teens. There’s a lot of “he said, she said” and “he did, she did” that keeps the characters interesting while at the same time keeping pace with an unfolding storyline.
Quote :
In first class sat Team-Amazon, but all the other girls were still given Gwen the cold shoulder. Courtney drew a noose on her pad and showed it to Gwen. Sierra was typing in her pizza-box laptop, and reciting out loud, "Invitations to the funeral of boyfriend-stealing Gwen!"
Gwen Bashfest 2010! Bring your own pitchforks and torches!

To those of you wondering what Gwen did to deserve the treatment she’s getting so far goes back to the episode I See London…, when Duncan’s return to the game had them both hooking up. This had made a lot of people very angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.
Quote :
"Stop bugging her! Will you?" snapped Cody trying to defend Gwen, which sickened him deep down still, all the girls, even Sierra gave Cody a look to shut up! "This is none of your business!" snapped Courtney.
Kind of is, considering he is on their team. The irony of a team Amazon with a lone boy should be played for every harem anime joke, but it was completely missed. I was disappoint.

Quote :
Heather insisted that Cody keep out of this. "What kind of pathetic, wannabee, supposed loser of a non-ladies-man, thinks he can help out here." Courtney seconded that motion, but Sierra was cross with the two of them,
Because no one gets to stomp on Cody’s nuts but her. She’s possessive like that.

Quote :
"How dare you say that to my sugy-wugy-Codykins." And before long a three-way fight ensued between them, Gwen couldn't but laugh… at Heather's mock towards Cody. "Pathetic, wannabee, supposed loser of a non-ladies-man?" she giggled, "That's you all over, Cody."
Cody felt hurt!
The emphasis of it is expressed with pointless exclamations!

Quote :
Cody sat all alone on the far side of the hall snacking on some chocolates the stewardess brought him. He was sick and tired of being mistreated by his teammates and being treated like he was invisible.
The girls had been treating him badly sinceEgypt, except for Sierra, but Cody couldn't stand her even more.
Well considering Cody and Sierra, one is an obsessed, perverted, stalking, overzealous creep, and the other is Cody.

So while Cody is being the butt of ridicule and trying to shake Sierra’s constant pursuit, the host announces their eventual arrival to the next “challenge”. And by challenge, I mean “teenager abuse session”. Chris McLean is kind of an evil, sadistic bastard like that.

Little does Cody realize, Alejandro, the handsome devil he is, watches him in secret while he dashes to the bathroom. I’m not sure entirely if that’s Mykan trying to play Alejandro as a closet-creep or not, but after an ellipses, Cody comes out of the bathroom to Duncan for a confrontation of a lifetime!
Quote :

Cody made it to the bathroom, but who did he see coming out, "Duncan!" he grumbled through his clenched teeth.
And then his nipples went hard.

Quote :
He heard his voice, "Well, well… if it isn't the new little shrimplet." He mocked. "What's the matter…? Wittle baby gotta go potty?"
Cody's features hardened more.
AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mykan, you make it too easy, sometimes.

Quote :
"Watch it, pal…" he sneered, "Unless you want another taste of my fist."
This reminded Duncanof when punched him out in Greecefor kissing Gwen. "Sleep with one eye open, Anderson, or ya may find my fist up against your face."
And here’s hoping it’s just his fist.

And then Cody finally snaps. Not that Cody would, he’s the least likely of the bunch to completely lose his shit. I’m beginning to think Mykan likes to project himself into canon more than he realizes.
Quote :
"I'LL GIVE YA A PIECE 'A ME!" and beforeDuncanknew it, Cody rammed right intoDuncan, tackling him to the ground and rammed numerous punches at his face, each more forceful than the last.
I’m fairly certain this would be broken up quickly by a couple of Chris’ interns, unless he hadn’t thrown them out of the plane already. In which case, while Cody and Duncan enact every UFC fight ever, Alejandro comes up to First Class to flirt with Heather. And point out Cody was kicking Duncan’s ass. Way to have your own teammate’s back, Alejandro. Douche.

Quote :
The girls all blinked, and soon, everyone had arrived to seeDuncanbadly beaten up, and Cody hardly beat up at all as he continued punch and kickDuncan's day out. "CODY!" snapped Gwen.
Everyone helped to break them up, even Chris came out. "What's going on, man?" he asked. "Whoa! Dog fight…" and he zipped back with a tub of popcorn, "Sweet!"
The host, everyone. Points to Mykan for keeping him in character, at least.

Quote :
Cody punchedDuncanagain splitting his lip, but finally, Sierra, along with Owen, and Chef managed to pull Cody off the injured delinquent. "Let me go!" shouted Cody "Let me go… I'LL MURDER HIM!"
Probably all the more reason to break it up. It’s as good as canceled if anyone died on the air.

So after Cody royally fucked up Duncan’s shit, Gwen, the girl he’s gone to lengths to try and win over and selflessly gave up to let her be with who she likes (Season 1, Episode 8: Up a Creek) tells us all what we knew from the beginning.
Quote :
Gwen was really angry now, and told Cody to stop going on about this. "I told you once before… I don't like you that way… and I never will, and if I ever see you beating upDuncanagain I'll beat up you up myself like the shrimp you are!"
"Shrimp you are!"
"Shrimp you are!"
"Shrimp you are!"
“I’ll have the chicken.”
“Shrimp you are!”

And Cody takes it rather well.
Quote :
All of Cody's anger changed to a look of extreme shock and horror. She just called him a shrimp, just likeDuncanhad said. He just stood there and he didn't move, not even when Sierra grabbed him in her arms and planted kisses all over his face.
OK, I can buy Cody losing his shit. I can buy Gwen lashing out at him for losing his shit. But you’d have to be really traumatized to not even be bothered with the fact your own stalker is trying to make out with you.

Quote :
Cody sat dead still, his eyes only focused on Gwen's angry eyes staring him down with looks of extreme disgust and hatred. He'd never have a chance with her now, especially after what she just called him.
He’d never had a chance with her ever, Mykan. What is your obsession with impossible canon pairings?

Oh, right.   

Anyway, after too long, we finally get to what makes this show so enjoyable; the horrific forms of maiming Chris comes up with for his contestants. In this case, they finally land in Death Valley and Chris explains their challenge.
Quote :
"Yes…Death Valley, inEastern California." replied Chris, he went on with the basic mumbo-jumbo, "And your challenge, tonight, is there…" he pointed up a rocky slope leading to an old abandoned mansion. "Um… what is that?" asked Heather.
"That is a perfectly, in near good-shape, but powerless… empty mansion, abandoned for a t least fifty years."
“Had a bunch of corpses in it, but I made sure the interns cleaned it out for us.”

Quote :
The gang didn't like the sound of that. "So… it's like… haunted?" asked Courtney.
"Could be." chirped Chris. "The first part of the challenge is simple… climb up the slope, and reach the house. First team to have all their members go gets a big advantage in the next part of the challenge."
“I was gonna have you dropped off about twenty miles away from here and make you race on foot with minimal provisions and water, but I remembered I have standards. And executives breathing down my neck.”

Like in reality show common sense, the team with more members has to play on equal ground. This basically means Team Amazon has to have two members sit out. Cody is forced to sit it out, if only because he beat up Duncan? I dunno, wouldn’t someone emotionally destabilizing handle a physical challenge a little better because of adrenaline?

Of course, while Team Amazon is having issues, Team Chris-Is-Really-Really-Really-Really-Hot (Blame Sierra, she named the team before switching over to Amazon) has some concerns as well.
Quote :
While at the starting line, Owen askedDuncanif he felt really okay about this climb. "I'm okay." he said. "I've had worse…"
"Really…? Worse than what Cody did to you…?"
Duncanthen suddenly realized he was wrong. Cody's thrashing him really was the worst he ever had. "Ahh, but you are much stronger than that." said Alejandro. "Surely a few measly bruises cannot halt you in your quest for greatness."
“I’m not out because of some bruises. And don’t call me Shirley!”
Finally a chance to use that Airplane reference somewhere!

As is standard for Total Drama, Chris begins the challenge and Alejandro, smooth criminal that he is, hits on Heather during the climb.
Quote :
The racers did their best, the slope wasn't very steep and the rocks and boulders made climbing up a breeze. Alejandro couldn't help but flirt with Heather. "I never knew you could rock climb. It explains your tough exterior."
"Which will be pounding on your tough exterior if you don't leave me alone!" snapped Heather.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Heather, never knew you had a kinky side!

In the end, the chapter leaves off like it would an episode. Don’t really know what happens in the end, don’t really care. All we get at the end of the chapter is a cliff-hanger. Seriously, I’m on the edge of my seat. I should really sit back, though.

All we get at the end is Mykan leaving a note about how he’s not done meting out author rage on canon who don’t deserve it. It's pointless, like most of his writing is.

Seriously, this story sucks. I’d be fine with Cody confronting Duncan, if it was done without the excessive violence. I know that’s weird coming from me, but Cody is as non-violent as they come and seeing him bloodying up Duncan is so unnatural and out of character for him.

Join me on the final week of Mykan Month as I take on one last story, this one from his infamous series, My Brave Pony!

Merciful deities, give me strength.


Last edited by TheIan on Sat Mar 22, 2014 2:08 am; edited 1 time in total
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Arcadia Rose

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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Fri Mar 21, 2014 11:52 pm

Gah, the ocular rape and moider!

Could be worse...if he does, say, a 'Dr. Who/Soul Eater' fanfic I'm driving to his house and burning down his computer, and salting the Earth so it can't return...
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Sat Mar 22, 2014 2:10 am

Arcadia Rose wrote:
Gah, the ocular rape and moider!

Could be worse...if he does, say, a 'Dr. Who/Soul Eater' fanfic I'm driving to his house and burning down his computer, and salting the Earth so it can't return...
Merciful Deities be praised he isn't devoted to either fandom, though he's done a 6Teen/Warcraft that, for some reason, only has one chapter and no relevance to the latter fandom involved. Almost wanted to rip on that one, but honestly, decided not to.
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Arcadia Rose

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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Mon Mar 24, 2014 9:02 pm

TheIan wrote:

Merciful Deities be praised he isn't devoted to either fandom, though he's done a 6Teen/Warcraft that, for some reason, only has one chapter and no relevance to the latter fandom involved. Almost wanted to rip on that one, but honestly, decided not to.

Squeamish, or it was a waste of good letters?
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Tue Mar 25, 2014 5:01 am

Arcadia Rose wrote:
TheIan wrote:

Merciful Deities be praised he isn't devoted to either fandom, though he's done a 6Teen/Warcraft that, for some reason, only has one chapter and no relevance to the latter fandom involved. Almost wanted to rip on that one, but honestly, decided not to.

Squeamish, or it was a waste of good letters?
I'd say the latter. Maybe if there were more chapters detailing how little about World of Warcraft Mykan knew, I'd rip into it.
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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Fri Mar 28, 2014 9:30 am

Bad news, everyone. (Or good news depending on who you are.)

As of earlier this week, my computer crapped out on me. I lost the snark for the final week, so there won't be a Mykan Month finale snark. Sorry guys, I was kind of looking forward to it, but at the same time, after the second one, I really hardly had any motivation. The third wasn't my best work, and I wasn't sure I'd do well on the fourth. Until I can get a computer that isn't an outdated Windows XPOS, I'm gonna be computer-less for a long while.

Again, sorry to let you down, everyone.
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Arcadia Rose

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PostSubject: Re: March is Mykan Month   Wed Apr 02, 2014 7:04 pm

Eh, well, I'd rather have top notch quality snark than the "phoned in" stuff anyway.
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