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 The Hunted of 2060: Shifters Evolution #5 by Ami Blackwelder

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Maximilia
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PostSubject: The Hunted of 2060: Shifters Evolution #5 by Ami Blackwelder   Sat Jan 11, 2014 2:46 am

So, as you guys may know from my Rain review, Ami Blackwelder is my FAVORITIST AUTHOR EVER! Actually... not. However, she has produced what might have been my best snark ever, so... let's see if we can get another good snark, eh? Also, even though she's self-published, that doesn't mean the product has to be bad. I just really hate how people fucking GUSHED over Rain and as we all know, it was terrible. Her stuff is terrible... but Rain was an early book, so maybe a book that's number five in the series will show how she's grown as an author?

Plus, I'm reviewing number 5 because it was free for my Kindle.

It starts out with a picture of a chick on the cover, and it's not terrible. Already better than Rain, wooo! The next page has praise for the Hunted of 2060. Blah, all gushing reviews gathered from the internet. It just makes me think that I really need to publish some books because I will make MILLIONS if people pay for this crap.

Chapter 1: Abducted

Quote :
Staring out the dark-stained window, the sharp pain in my belly drew me to my knees.
Stained with what? And what, the pain was staring out the window?

Quote :
Long, lean legs in black leather pants raced over the soil of Chugach Forest.
"WOOOO! We're free of the body! Run! Run! RUUUUUUN!"

Also, why is Forest capitalized?

Quote :
Heavy jack boots hit the ground pound-pound...
Hey, we're back to the inanimate objects acting on their own again! At least her style is consistent.

Quote :
Rifles swayed in soldiers' hands as they engaged in the violent pursuit, ready to fire on command.
"RIFLE! FIRE NOW!"

Quote :
Only the rustling of leaves and bush gave away the prey.
Alright, alright, I GET it. She's being chasing by soldiers. I know it's supposed to be a tense scene, but I don't know this person. I don't care. And the way she keeps phrasing inanimate objects doing things, I get the impression the whole forest is trying to capture her. It's just bizarre!

Quote :
Instincts pushed her forward; the musty scent of the military men flared her nostrils; adrenaline pulsated through her veins.
I keep imagining a ghostly vapor giving her nose a make-over. "There you go, sweetcheeks, your nostrils are *~*Flared!*~*!"

So, whoever this person is keeps running towards some vicious terrain that of course only the super special shifters or whatever (Hey, the book is 5th in a series about "shifters", I think I figured out the big surprise in that she's one of them) but she gets shot. Gasp! Actually, that is somewhat surprising. Maybe the rest of the book will just be apologies for putting out this drek?

Quote :
Onyx hair waved in the gust of wind and draped to her stomach.
Even her hair is trying to escape the book.

So, they catch her and demand her to put her arms up. She does, then TRANSFORMS INTO A BLACK PANTHER! ROAR! She ATTACKS!

Quote :
Jumping over a few bushes, her bestial form whirled through the air and over branches until her enlarged paws landed on the grassy ground.
Whirling through the air like a helicopter! WHUPPA WHUPPA WHUPPA!

Well, whirling or not, the panther gets tazed (lol no tranquilizers for her) and captured by the EBIL GUBMINT.

Quote :
As her body landed in the back of the caged truck, a wolf high in the trees watched and howled at the moon.
Wolf: Whoa, man. *toooookes* Man, look at that. Is that... that's a ... panther? In the wood? *inhales* Whoa... whoa... I gotta tell Bob about this. *howls*

And our nameless protagonist wakes up. Pretty short first chapter. It's not as bad as Rain so far, and there's no loltastic pictures, but the author just has a way of writing inanimate objects like they are alive.
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Lady Anne
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PostSubject: Re: The Hunted of 2060: Shifters Evolution #5 by Ami Blackwelder   Sat Jan 11, 2014 8:51 pm

A wolf high in the trees? Biology fail!
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Maximilia
My spoon is too big.
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Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 44
Location : South Dakota

PostSubject: Re: The Hunted of 2060: Shifters Evolution #5 by Ami Blackwelder   Sat Feb 01, 2014 1:44 am

Alrighty, been a bit, and if I'm very motivated, I will get to FATAL tonight too! But, I already have this document highlighted and ready to be snarked, so here is the second chapter, entitled "Metamorphosis".

It started out with her being torn in half. Sadly, not literally.

Quote :
My body aches with a pain too familiar.

Get the chocolate and heating pads; it's that time of the month again.

She's in the middle of class "clutching" her metal desk, sweating a lot and probably making a lot of sounds. Her nails "scratched the surface of the desk" which since it's a metal desk, that's a neat trick.

Quote :
Pain as sharp as a knife carved into my sides, my muscles, my bones.

She can't just say 'a sharp pain'?

Robert, some athletic dude sitting close to her, asks if she's ok. She's like, "yeah, yeah, I'm fine" while scratching up her desk and sweating up a storm.

Quote :
I felt the color fall from my face.

And land on the desk with a thump.

She goes to the bathroom where "the ceramic tiles of the bathroom walls swirled in dizziness". Psychedelic bathroom, gotcha.... Then, she blacks out and revives in the nurse's office. It's close to the Dean's office and she basically has a panic attack just thinking about being close to the Dean. She starts hearing sounds from everywhere, but when the nurse comes and asks her if she's ok, she can just talk normally. Nah, any negative side effects from having uber senses are just negated. We don't need a lick of realism in this book.

The nurse is pretty nice and wants to help. She wants to run some blood tests, but April, the protagonist, is like, "Nooooooo."

Quote :
I don't need needles in my skin, my blood.

The needles... they are piercing my BLOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!

This next quote makes me laugh though:

Quote :
Somewhere inside of me I knew what was happening, but my rational mind could not make sense of the muscle pains and my fluctuating mood swings. Not PMS.

Nah, she's just turning into a shapeshifter. It's totally easily mistaken for PMS. Happens to me all the time.

So April pushes out of the clinic and the nurse tries to grab her and pull her back, because yeah, college nurses would totally try to assault someone to treat them. She runs outside and Robert is immediately there to show concern about her. She takes time to notice that his blond hair is "chiseled", which gives me a really interesting mental image of this guy. He's not the only one with strange hair though.

Quote :
Pulling my long dark chocolate hair over my left shoulder, I fluttered my lashes fringing hazel eyes.

Mm. Chocolate hair, and her eyeballs have lashes growing out of them. No, I know what the author meant, but it's such a clumsy way to put it.

They start walking, and they mention that GASP they are studying METAMORPHOSIS in biology class. So surprised! Then Robert asks her out, but she just says that she's busy and he backs down and leaves.

Quote :
"Look, I gotta run, but call me if anything changes. You know I'll be there if you need me," Robert said in a loyalty I knew only he afforded me.

Yeah, fuck his other friends and family!

Well, it's not the end of the chapter, but RL is pulling me away.
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