Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:28 pm

This is my first ever sporking! I'm...not excited.
Here's Raised By Wolves, the first Skyrim badfic I read.

It has a rather generic first person opening
Quote :
I returned to Jorrvaskr my heart heavy. Kodlak's spirit now at peace in Sovngarde and I the new Harbinger. I wound my way through the lower quarters to Kodlak's chamber…no my chambers now. The room was just as he had left it. I sighed and sank into the side of the bed.
I'm bored already. But wait! There's more! Farkas shows up to comment that our heroine is 'the new Kodlak'.

Quote :
"Vilkas said you were the new Kodlak. I don’t know what that means but I thought it might mean you would be in here."
So he leaves and Bitchcakes here starts ordering the maid around to get her some chow. While she's waiting she gets changed into that Translucent Long White Low Cut Nightie(c) that all Mary Sues seem to own. She basically did the classic porno setup of 'order pizza, forget about it then get in the shower' because this happens;

Quote :
I crossed my arms over my chest trying to cover myself, "May I help you Vilkas?"
Farkas' twin Vilkas walks in on her and they start making out. But oh, his armor is in the way and Vilkas leaves and comes back sans armor ready to get down, but with an Irish accent!

Quote :
"You’re a maiden?" he asked incredulously.

I took deep breaths trying to focus on his question, "Um, yes." The pain began to subside.

"Ach, lass you should have told me. Are you all right? Do you want me to stop?" he asked softly.

"Please," I begged kissing him softly on the lips and rolling my hips against his.

"Lass," he groaned pulling out of me slowly fighting against my legs locked behind his back. "Love, I'm not stopping but you're going to have to loosen your grip so I can move."
Now I imagine Brynjolf in a Vilkas mask. Then later like a cheaply made mid 80's music video, Alianna the Dragonsue runs off IN THE NIIIIIIGHT and turns...into a wolf. Not a werewolf. A normal wolf. And goes to play with normal wolves. One of the other wolves turns into.....................................................................Farkas!

And guess what he does:

Quote :
“Farkas, you need to get off me now.” I demanded.

“My brother bit you,” he said, as he rose from my collarbone. “You let him mark you.”

I blushed, staring at the sky blankly, recalling Vilkas biting me the night before. “Yes.”

“Did you mark him back?”

I blinked rapidly, meeting his eyes. “What? No.”

“Good.” He grinned and lowered his face inches from mine. “I want you too.”
So, the werewolves of Skyrim are not Hircine's children, they're furries. Predictably, Alianna lets her loins guide the way and bangs Farkas too. And we get this explanation from Aela;

Quote :
“Harbinger, this is a dangerous game you play,” she chastised me.

I blinked at her, my face a blank mask. “I know not what you are speaking of.”

“I see one brother's mark on you,” she said, pointing at my neck, “and I can tell what you and Farkas did in that clearing.”

“Oh Aela, I’m so confused. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” I confessed. “Last night was the first night I had been with a man, and I managed to be with two of them. I don’t know what is going on.”

She sighed. “It’s one of the side effects of the change, and you're going through a mating cycle. Most of the time your scent would only call to one male. It appears that because they are twins, it is calling to both of them. This could be bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“They could end up killing each other for you.”
So the twins are fighting over the same bitch.  Because she’s a female wolf! Get it? *silence*
My inner Grammar Nazi is seething by the way.  Well Alianna heads home and checks her mail. Among her mail is a letter from Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak;

Quote :
Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak

Requests the pleasure of your company

On the 24th of Midyear

For the celebration of Tibedetha

Please arrive a day early for pre-celebration preparation  
Tiberius…Titania…Terabithia…whatever…is a Breton holiday that celebrates Tiber Septim, the founder of the Septim dynasty and who rose to become Talos, a Divine. I’m a bit lost here; why would Nords celebrate a Breton holiday, even if it was about Talos?

Oh that’s right, to get into the Mary Sue’s panties. Silly me. And it’s a ‘huge honor’ so she has to go. If you haven’t gathered, this Dragonsue allies with the Stormcloaks. Ulfric sends her a circlet [Mrs. Doubtfire voice] A sort of ‘going down’ payment [/Mrs. Doubtfire voice].

The twins find out about Alianna’s whoredom and fight over her. I’m not kidding.


Quote :
His eyes turned soft as I stood in front of him; there would be no fight to pass him. “Arianna,” he murmured, reaching to cup my face. I felt Vilkas as he hurled himself at Farkas, who pushed me gently out of the way. Vilkas’s attack knocked them both to the floor, where they wrestled furiously, with the sound of fists hitting flesh repeatedly. Farkas pushed his brother off, the force propelling Vilkas through the doorway, into the hall and toppling a table and chairs. Farkas gave me a playful grin before tackling his brother, and I wondered if he took this fight as seriously as Vilkas did.
Don’t lie, author. You were thinking ‘threesome’. Schlick 

Anyway, Alianna derps on up to Windhelm where Ulfric slobbers over her supposed beauty and Lydia points out that he wants her as his wife. Yes, a rebel leader needs a wife in a time of war. Can’t even wait for the Moot, Ulfy?

Tune in next time for pointless fluff, OOC-ness out the wazoo, costume porn and the most hilarious description of cunnilingus I have ever read.
Back to top Go down
bleachedblackcat
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 15, 2013 3:13 pm

Link?

Seeing as Mary Sue Alianna is (so far) both the Dragonborn and Harbinger I'd be surprised if Ulfric wouldn't want her to be his wife. Think about it, she's one of the most powerful people in the world.

I'm going to bet that she can't really fight and will need her tru luvs to saaave her. Because we all know that twins love to have sex with the same person all the time.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 15, 2013 4:06 pm

I tried to post the link but when I do it says I have to wait a week. It's on Archive Of Our Own.

My biggest peeve with this fic was the pussification of Ulfric. I kept reading hoping he had some sort of political BS going on but noooooo he just feels funny in his pants when he's around the Sue. Natch.
Oh and the werewolf mating is retarded.

Back again for more, aren’t you excited?

It’s like friggin’ My Inner Life all over again. *has flashbacks*

Alianna’s dialogue can be turns into ‘derr derr derr duuhhhhhh deeeeeeeeeerp herpa derr derr DUUUUUUR’ because she is useless. I lost count of how many times her face (her beautifully gorgeous face) turns into ‘a blank mask’ or she just ‘blinks rapidly’. Most of her dialogue is asking questions; what’s that? Who are you? Why are you here? Vilkas? Farkas? My Jarl? Bueller?

So Ulfy barges into her room via a hidden passageway.

Quote :
A chill crept down my spine, and I pulled the fur tighter around me. "How do I warrant a midnight visit from our future High King?"

He crossed the room and stood near the bed. "You are a powerful woman, Dragonborn. What man wouldn’t want to sneak into your chambers?"
A man who wants to live! A man who’s not an effin pervert!
And guess what she’s got on?
Quote :
"Ulfric," he said softly, gazing back at me. "Let us be true equals here in the wee hours of the morning, in the dark of your room, clad only in our night clothes."
I trust you are all familiar with the trope Male Gaze. And they’re in Windhelm. In that see-through nightie she can probably cut glass with those nips. Ulfric gets to his point. And not the ‘wink-nudge-say-no-more’ kind, thank the Nine.
Quote :
"I do not exaggerate. This level of devotion the people of Skyrim have for you is staggering. I fear if we were to hold a moot, the people would vote you High Queen out of their love for you." His fingers tightened on my jaw. "
Alianna: I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!
Ulfric continues to grope and fondle our demure heroine.

Quote :
"You are a very sturdy woman with curves in all the right places," he purred, slipping his hand down my back cupping the curve of my buttock.
Ulfric: But just here, on your arse. *gives her arse a hard slap* Jorleif! Get my branding iron! I’ve decided to purchase this heifer.

Vilkas pops out of frick-nowhere and proceeds to have a cockfight with Ulfric.
Quote :
"It would seem your housecarl wasn’t lying when she said there was competition for you," Ulfric drawled, put out by Vilkas's sudden appearance.
"Vilkas," I warned softly, struggling to pull myself from Ulfric's embrace.
"Ah, the mighty Companion," Ulfric said snidely. "I have heard of some of your adventures, my fellow. Is it true you have fought one of every type of predator in Skyrim?"
"Yes," Vilkas growled, his hands reaching for his blade. "And I'm going to add a new one to my list if you don’t release my mate."
"Are you threatening me? Your king?" Ulfric demanded.
"I see no king here, just a royal pig putting his hands on something that doesn’t belong to him," Vilkas snarled.
Oh Mary Sue. Expert in combat but can’t knee a molester in the balls. He’s not High King yet.
Quote :
His arms encircled my waist, pulling me against his soaking wet, freezing form as he turned me to face him. "Lass, are you all right? He didn’t harm you, did he?"
I slapped my hand on his chest. "Now, you listen to me. I am fully capable of protecting myself. I was killing things that sought to harm me long before you and I knew each other."
LMAO.
After that harrowing experience, Alianna sends Vilkas away and resolves to pack up and leave in the morning and….oh no she doesn’t, they make out again.  The entirety of Chapter 7 is of them making the two –backed beast. We also get the hysterical description of him…going down on her. Here’s the best part.

Quote :
I wriggled on the bed, trying to get away from his wonderful, naughty mouth; but his arms held me tight. Unable to move or to get away, I cried out as my body vibrated from the ecstasy.      
What.
Quote :
his wonderful, naughty mouth
….
I thankfully turned away in time and didn’t spit coffee on my laptop. Does he also have a heavenly naked body?

Hey man, Jussi 69 has a pretty heavenly…naked upper torso but he’s not hairy. *daydreams of sexy Finnish dudes*  Uh yeah. Dragonporn suddenly remembers there’s a person named Farkas and where in Nirn is he?
Quote :
If Vilkas had come for me, why hadn't Farkas?
They both already came for you, you stupid slut.

We cut to Farkas, in third person. He’s in his best frilly apron cleaning up the aftermath of his fight with Vilkas. Then we get this little odd bit.

Quote :
Farkas took another deep breath, and this time his lungs filled up with both her and Vilkas’s scents. He smiled at the thought of his brother. They shared so much together, it was only natural in the scheme of things that they would share the obsession for one of the most beautiful women to walk the halls of Jorrvaskr.
This is edging in to the creepy twin zone. It’s far from the Game of Thrones brand of creepy twins but it smells like it’s almost done cookin’.
He ends up deciding to go after Alianna and Aela goes with him. Meanwhile Alianna is ogling Vilkas’ firm buttocks.

Quote :
“…watched him bend over to put his pants on and bit my lip until I almost drew blood. Great Talos, what a view! A part of me, the part deep down inside between my legs, begged me to send Lydia from the room and spend the day abed with that glorious behind. My brain, on the other hand, screamed reasons not to stay in bed all day. Duty, Sex, Ulfric, Vilkas.
Alianna: DAT ASS.
You obviously have had your brains screwed out so let me fill in the blanks;
It is my (duty) to (sex)(Ulfric) and/or (Vilkas). Somewhere the author tries to shove some politics in between the bricks of badly written sex that this fic is built upon.

Quote :
I sighed deeply and rested my head on his shoulder. This is why I liked him so much. He understood the whole situation without me having to explain it. He knew the politics I had to maneuver through.
Politics? What politics? You’re just wishy-washy on who you’d like to shag on a permanent basis! Ulfric barges in again and escorts her on her walk of shame to breakfast. He’s also commissioned a tailor to make her a dress for the evening’s occasion.

Quote :
 Thank you, my lord,” I answered graciously, masking my concern over Vilkas. “Actually, I wanted to discuss my dress for this evening.”
“Ah yes, that,” Jorleif prattled. “The tailor has already arrived. Don’t you worry about a thing. It is all taken care of.” I raised my unoccupied hand to silence him.
“I wasn’t actually worried. I am sure my jarl here has planned the most exquisite dress for me. I am, however, curious as to what my housecarl will be wearing.” I raised my head haughtily, mimicking what I had seen other noblewomen do and stared at Jorleif pointedly. “I think it is only fitting that she should have attire to match mine. Who better to do that than the same creator as my dress?”
Jorleif stuttered, trying to answer my request. Ulfric laughed deeply, respect filling his eyes. “Well played, Arianna. Spoken like a true noble.”
Ohh that’s cute. Pretending to care about the cardboard. They feast and brown nose until Farkas drags in an injured Aela. Strong, warrior woman Aela. Alianna heals her and they tell her they were attacked in the south by Imperial and Thalmor? It’s not very clear.
OK so I lied about the costume porn, that comes later. But next time we’ll have that plus Ulfric’s bastard children and sudden decision to stay with a woman this time because she’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND SPESHUL.
Back to top Go down
Summercorn
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-08-18
Location : The Garden of England.

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Fri Aug 16, 2013 7:38 am

bleachedblackcat wrote:
Link?
There you go.
Back to top Go down
ZOOLANDER
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-10-21
Age : 32

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:27 pm

I was playing Skyrim on my PS3 all day yesterday (only just started it the day before that), so it's a funny coincidence that I come on here and find some Skyrim badfic waiting.

Lydia is remarkably astute for a Nord, which would probably put her a good fifty or so IQ points above Sexpot Sue.

CyanideTea wrote:

Ulfric: But just here, on your arse. *gives her arse a hard slap* Jorleif! Get my branding iron! I’ve decided to purchase this heifer.
I lol'd.

Seriously, though, Sexpot Sue needs to take a trip out to the Temple of Mara in Riften so someone can hammer into her ditzy head how sex and marriage is supposed to work in Skyrim.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:44 pm

xerrofoot wrote:
I was playing Skyrim on my PS3 all day yesterday (only just started it the day before that), so it's a funny coincidence that I come on here and find some Skyrim badfic waiting.

Lydia is remarkably astute for a Nord, which would probably put her a good fifty or so IQ points above Sexpot Sue.

CyanideTea wrote:

Ulfric: But just here, on your arse. *gives her arse a hard slap* Jorleif! Get my branding iron! I’ve decided to purchase this heifer.
I lol'd.

Seriously, though, Sexpot Sue needs to take a trip out to the Temple of Mara in Riften so someone can hammer into her ditzy head how sex and marriage is supposed to work in Skyrim.
Oh I should have warned it was spoiler-y but what badfic isn't?
Suethors will take whatever liberty with the story to get their Sue into their Twoo Wuvs' (yes, multi) undies. We all knew that. I wonder if the author played Oblivion and happened upon the couple shacking up in Bruma who calls that 'the old Nord way' and that they don't believe in that 'Mara Mother Mild chapel family business' or something.
Back to top Go down
ZOOLANDER
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-10-21
Age : 32

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Tue Aug 20, 2013 12:42 am

Eh, don't worry about the spoilers. I'll see that stuff anyway if I need help from a gameplay guide. Besides, I'll still play anyway because Skyrim is just that good. ESPECIALLY the scenery. ZOMG THE SCENERY.

I was just thinking: who wants to bet that the vast majority of Sexpot Sues are Bretons? Let's face it, most of the other races in Tamriel are either evil, ugly or both. The Nords are racist, the Altmer are racist, fascist and plotting genocide, the Falmer are so twisted they eat human flesh, the Dwemer aren't even around and the Bosmer are extremists who will murder you in the face if you so much as look at a tree the wrong way. The only halfway decent folk in Skyrim are the Argonians and the Dunmer and they're not even native to that region.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Tue Aug 20, 2013 2:57 pm

xerrofoot wrote:
Eh, don't worry about the spoilers. I'll see that stuff anyway if I need help from a gameplay guide. Besides, I'll still play anyway because Skyrim is just that good. ESPECIALLY the scenery. ZOMG THE SCENERY.

I was just thinking: who wants to bet that the vast majority of Sexpot Sues are Bretons? Let's face it, most of the other races in Tamriel are either evil, ugly or both. The Nords are racist, the Altmer are racist, fascist and plotting genocide, the Falmer are so twisted they eat human flesh, the Dwemer aren't even around and the Bosmer are extremists who will murder you in the face if you so much as look at a tree the wrong way. The only halfway decent folk in Skyrim are the Argonians and the Dunmer and they're not even native to that region.
I have sporked the entirety of this fic, but I am currently still working on just some choice tidbits to post. Or should I just post it all?

I LOVE the scenery of Skyrim. It's just a gorgeous game.The first time I set foot out of the cave on the road to Riverwood I stopped and just said "WOW."

There's a series on AO3 called Dyce The Incredibly Easy Breton.  
I have a fanfic about my Dragonborn from my first playthrough (a Dunmer) who is slutty but it's played for laughs. It's stated that elves are promiscuous in their youth in an in-game book, though, so it's sort of justified.
Back to top Go down
ZOOLANDER
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-10-21
Age : 32

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 10:31 am

Post the whole lot if you want. As long as it's good snark, people will eat it up.

I made a female Breton named Chell as a kind of Skyrim/Portal crossover. What do you think, is it worth writing into a fanfic?
Back to top Go down
Penguin
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
avatar

Join date : 2009-07-18
Location : Wild Gray Yonder

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:29 am

xerrofoot wrote:
I made a female Breton named Chell as a kind of Skyrim/Portal crossover. What do you think, is it worth writing into a fanfic?
Skyrim/Portal what kind of fucking moron no they're not compa- wait, what? As an attempted crossover, you changed Chell to one of the two all-white races in the game?

Great, so not only are you asking if two completely incompatible game universes are worth writing as a fanfic, you're also whitewashing one of them.

HEY EVERYONE WE GET TO ADD "RACIST" TO THE LAUNDRY LIST


Last edited by Penguin on Fri Aug 23, 2013 4:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 1:51 pm

xerrofoot wrote:
Post the whole lot if you want. As long as it's good snark, people will eat it up.

I made a female Breton named Chell as a kind of Skyrim/Portal crossover. What do you think, is it worth writing into a fanfic?
I think that would be ridiculously difficult, personally. I think though, when doing crossovers, you should stick to the same genre. Fantasy with fantasy, sci fi with sci fi and so on and so forth. Although a Harry Potter/Terminator crossover could be interesting...scratch

Ok I forgot to mention last time that when Alianna sees Farkas she’s thinking about how she can’t wait to be alone with him. Buh?

So now Alianna is bitching about how much it dearly sucks to have a custom dress made. That Ulfric is paying for.  I’d wager his Septims should be going towards…I dunno, THE FRICKIN’ CIVIL WAR. Or does he have a special safe for Mistress Funds?

Stormcloak soldier: Aw, raw cabbage and stale bread again? How are we supposed to fight on an empty stomach?
Stormcloak Officer: Sorry soldier, Jarl Ulfric is cutting corners on our rations. He’s courting some slattern or so I hear.
Alianna wanders off to ask what the kittens happened to her boytoys and runs into a Redguard maid.

Quote :
My thoughts were a mess. Lydia still hadn’t returned, Vilkas hadn’t appeared, I had no idea where they had taken Aela and Farkas, and not a single servant was around for me to ask. Frustrated and annoyed, I wound my way through the corridors until I stumbled upon a young Redguard maid carrying an armful of linens. Startled at my appearance, she dropped what she was carrying.

“Dovahkiin!” she exclaimed, falling to her knees. I knelt beside her and picked up the linens, holding them out to her.  
Then author does that thing where she TELLS us about her character. Doesn’t show.
Quote :
She stood still as stone for several heartbeats before raising her gaze to mine. “Is it true that you are fair and kind?”
I looked her over from head to toe and pondered her question. “I do what I think is right. In a world such as ours, sometimes that means being fair and kind, but other times it requires being ruthless and cold. I try to do what is best in every situation I am in; however, I reserve my judgment until that time.” I tilted my head slightly raising an eyebrow at her. “Why?”  
Olivia: Is it true that you’re a slattern?
This Reguard maiden is called Olivia and she has a brother who was whipped. Must…not..make…Roots…reference.

We’re treated to an entire chapter of Alianna using her speshul alchemy skills to heal the Redguard boy. What’s funny is upon reading the chapter one would think Olivia was a child but no, she’s seventeen. Buh? Olivia is now a walking talking medicinal herb bag who can pull glasses of water out of nowhere. Alianna flits about the castle and heals Farkas and Aela while they continue to fawn over her and nothing else seems to happen. Two chapters down the drain…

Then our heroine finds the secret passage into Ulfric’s chambers .
Quote :
Ulfric’s bed sat in the middle of the room on a platform. Next to the bed, sitting in a tub of water, was the jarl himself. I stood there, frozen, unable to remove myself from his chambers. I watched Ulfric rise from the water with fascination as rivets of water trailed down his pale skin. My eyes followed a single droplet; it dripped from his hair down his well muscled back, over his tight buttocks, down his thighs, and back into the water. He leaned over, reaching for and grabbing a towel, then rubed his face and hair dry. I watched mesmerized as he stepped out of the tub and hitched the towel around his waist.  My breath caught in my throat as he turned to face me, a sexy, slow grin sliding across his face. “Are you enjoying the view?” he drawled, his green eyes piercing mine.
If you take the Markarth Incident into account, it’s more than likely Ulfric is twice the age of Alianna.  Make of that what you will.  Here again taking the part of the Love Interest is Brynjolf of the Thieves Guild.


Quote :
Ulfric’ shadow blended into mine on the wall, and his body heat emanated against my back. I shivered. “Would you like out, lass?” he murmured against my ear, his breath caressing my cheek. I nodded, swallowing hard. His right hand snaked around my waist and pulled me taut against him. I stood motionless, afraid even to breathe. He slowly turned me around to face him. “I will show you the way out for a small price.”
I frowned, pulling back from him, “What price?”
“A kiss.”
My jaw dropped open in shock. “A kiss?”
“Yes, a kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. It is, after all, owed to me after our interruption last night.”
I thought back to the night before. Had we been about to kiss before Vilkas interrupted us? Perhaps it had been Ulfric’s intention last night but not mine. However, did I want out of this situation badly enough to grant him a kiss?
“All right,” I breathed.
His eyes sparkled in merriment as he cupped my chin with one palm and pressed the other into the small of my back, forcing our bodies even closer together. His mouth descended upon mine, inch by slow inch until they were less than a heartbeat away. I closed my eyes and waited. My heart raced; was it nerves or anticipation? No…wait, maybe…damn it.
Was he waiting for me to close the distance? I cracked open my eyes and stared up into his compelling eyes; yes, he was. I took a deep breath and sent a silent prayer to Vilkas and Farkas for forgiveness. Then I pressed my lips against the jarl’s.
Of course this turns into a makeout session. She confronts him about his bastard son and he shows he’s been whipped in the past too. For…? Talos worship? Lollygagging? Ulfric kicks her out and she runs into Lydia and tells her what happened. Quoth Lydia;
Quote :
"Oh, well that's nothing, milady. I am sure your other lovers will forgive you."
Riiiiiiight.  I sense a lot of sarcasm in this though. The next exchange makes me giggle.

Quote :
"He confuses me, Lydia," I stated, crossing the room to sit on the edge of my bed. With a heavy sigh, I said, "With Farkas and Vilkas, I understand how I feel about them; I just can't choose one over the other. But with Ulfric, I don’t know. One minute I respect him; the next he infuriates me. He's sneaky, manipulative, and cocky; but in rare moments he is kind, thoughtful, and fiercely protective. To top it all off, I find myself attracted to him."

"I do not think any advice I might provide for you at this time will be of assistance to your romance problems. I find it distressing that Vilkas is conveniently missing while the jarl tries to wedge himself into your heart and that your other lover, Farkas, was injured by Imperials on his way to find you. Not to mention the Thalmor and Imperials sit in a camp somewhere outside of Windhelm while we sit here and play dress-up for a party instead of driving them from our land." Lydia puffed out an angry breath.
Thanks Lydia for trying to get the actual game’s plot back on track! But…Thalmor camping with Imperials? Theirs is an uneasy alliance, but why would Thalmor sully their Altmer master race glory by hanging out with their conquered foes?
Suethor used Confuse!
It was super effective!
Then we get the warrior women bitching about having to wear pretty dresses then go suit up to hunt some Imperials. Farkas has a wet dream about banging Alianna that culminates in her marking him as his mate… *shudder*
WEREWOLVES DO NOT DO THAT. In TES, anyway. I’m waiting for the vampires to show up.
Lord Harkon: This is the skin of a killer, Arianna! *sparkle*
Farkas tries to get up with difficulty because A. he’s still wounded B. he’s fighting to transform into a werewolf and bang Arianna and C. that boner is hard to conceal. Aela gives him an herb which his stupidly takes -in case you forgot Farkas is the stupid brother- and he falls over paralyzed. Aela swears to him she’ll find the Harbinger
Ulfric piddles around and wangsts about his chocolate mistress who left him their kids.
Quote :
He dressed swiftly as he pondered what to do about Arianna. He smiled as he thought of their kiss. Never before had a woman made him so hard just from a kiss. The last time he had been this infatuated with a lass, his father had sent the girl away. In fact, that girl was Eldar’s mother. She had been a bonny lass. That had been before the Great War, when Ulfric had been kidnapped and tortured by the Thalmor, before his father died. Ulfric rubbed his face, clearing away those memories he preferred to have forgotten. He couldn’t have imagined running into her years later. Though not like she had when they were younger, she had still stirred the desire in him. Of course, that result was a half-blood child who now lived in his kitchen and he had no idea what to do with.
Do they not have a child support system in Skyrim? Drop the little punks off at Honor Hall, then!
Suethor, read this next sentence very carefully:
The leader of a REBELLION doesn’t need people to worry about DURING THE WAR.
Or after, really. Seriously, even if Ulfric was named High King he’d have a big ol’ ‘Stab me’ sign taped to his back. He’d go down faster than a nymphomaniac.

Then Jorleif walks in.

Quote :
There was a knock on his door followed by Jorleif entering his chambers. “Milord, I have news. The Dragonborn has taken off for the Imperial camp.”
Ulfric growled. Damn the woman! She just had to make his life that much harder. “How long ago?”
“Long enough to make it impossible to stop her,” he replied.
“By the gods, what is she thinking?” Ulfric snarled. She was directly disobeying an order by him; she was acting like a fool. She had to know there would be some kind of repercussion from this event—if she came back alive, that is. “Did she go alone?”
I’m trying to find the part where Ulfric forbids her from going to clear out the Imperial camp. I recall him saying ‘nah let’s celebrate’ and Alianna, in a rare show of intelligence tells him that course of action is inadvisable. Yeah, let’s sip wine and fawn over the Dragonborn while the Imperial Army scouts the area outside, they won’t attack! Not like we called a ceasefire for a holiday or something. I thought Ulfric was supposed to be a military genius?

Alianna drags Lydia, Ulfric’s housecarl Galmar Stone-Fist and about fifteen “off-duty” Stormcloak soldiers to go wipe out the camp. And they will be hopeless outnumbered.

Quote :
This was suicide for all of them. His scouts had told him of the camp’s numbers; no less than one hundred warriors and mages in that encampment. “What of the nobles? Does anyone else know what has become of her?”  
Not only is Alianna going to disobey direct orders, she’s dragging other people into it too. Not that it matters;  she hogs all the glory to herself.


Quote :
I closed my eyes, letting the beast flow back inside. Skin replaced what once was fur. My snout receded back into my face. My sight, smell, and hearing returned to normal (yet enhanced from a normal humans). I crouched on the ground, naked, peering around myself. My fingers reached for my clothing, armor and weapons; I dressed quickly. Once I was put together, Lydia and I ran side by side back to the camp. With Ebony and Fire in my hands, I cut through several mages quickly. Aela had done a wonderful job of keeping them contained, but she showed wear from the effort. I nodded at her as I sprinted past. The Thu'um spilled from my lips effortlessly. “Fus Ro Dah!” It toppled mages and soldiers alike. I plunged my blade into the ground, calling forth my magic, and rained fire down upon them, burning and killing all that it touched. Burnt bodies littered the ground at my feet. I stepped over them carefully, moving toward Galmar and his fighters as well as the remaining Imperials. Lydia followed behind me, keeping a watchful eye at my back. Aela melted into the woods along with the other werewolves.
This is just a bit of Chapter 18 of Dragonsue versus the Thalmor.  It opens with a lyric;
Quote :
I came to win, to fight, to conquer to thrive. I came to win to survive, to prosper, to rise.  - ”Fly” by Niki Minaj and Rihanna]
Just bring in Nikki Minaj and the Thalmor will flee in terror.
Alianna returns to Windhelm with some animal corpses to make up the fact that she’s probably about to get dishonorable discharged.
Quote :
I cleared my throat and raised my eyes to meet his penetrating stare. “My Jarl, we return with gifts of meat from our hunt.”
He raised a single hand into the air for silence, and my mouth snapped shut with an audible snap. “My scouts tell me that your hunt was doubly successful," he said, "that not only did you bring us meat for the feast of Tibedetha, but that you and your men have chased the Imperials from our woods and sent them to Oblivion!” The crowd roared at his words. “Rise, Dragonborn, and let us honor you properly.” He offered his hand to me.
Ulfric: You disobeyed me but what sin isn’t remedied with food?
And hooray for Easily Swayed Crowd! You just put them in more danger!

Quote :
He waved to the crowd as they cheered in delight. I smiled tentatively and slowly joined Ulfric in waving at the crowd, my movements awkward.
….

Did they just get elected homecoming king and queen?
When you talk to him in Windhelm,Ulfric says of the late High King Torygg;
“He was too privileged and too foolish, more interested in entertaining his queen than ruling his country.”

So he’s going OOC by being a hypocrite AND stupid.
Now we get to the real reason Ulfric’s not pissed at her.

Quote :
“Marry me, Arianna,” he pleaded, bringing my hands to his chest as he gazed tenderly at me.
“I…” I couldn’t finish; I could only stare, dumbfounded.
His finger slid against my lips gently. “Don’t answer yet; think about it until midnight.” He brushed the softest of kisses against my lips before he pushed me from the room.
The door clicked closed and I could only stare at it stupidly. What had just happened? Did Jarl Ulfric really just propose to me?
I blinked slowly, my mind still reeling. What in hell was I going to do?
Ulfric: Yes, marry me you disobedient ,retarded, Leeroy Jenkins-ing skank-ho!
Whatever. Time for the party. Lydia gets some costume porn.
Quote :
The dress was stunning; blue and gold swirled throughout the fabric, shimmering like fire in the light of the room. The neckline reached to her chin but had a diamond cut out over her breasts. The sleeves were cropped short, leaving her impressive arms bare. The dropped waist clung tightly over her hips then opened into a full, billowing skirt just past the top of her thighs.
Sounds hideous. And if I had man-arms I’d want sleeves or something. Plus we’re STILL IN FRICKIN’ WINDHELM. Lydia’s Fawning Servant Intuition kicks in and she realizes something is bothering her lady.
Quote :
I turned my head slightly, acknowledging her with lifeless eyes. Her normal deadpan expression left her face as she stared into my eyes and approached. “Arianna, you look like death. What has happened?”
“Ulfric proposed,” I whispered through dry lips.
She snorted. “You speak as if that is the end of the world.” She brushed a stray length of hair from her face and continued. “Tell him no if you do not desire to marry him.”
Lydia pointed to the letter on the floor. “There’s more than just a proposal.”
Aela scowled at Lydia but picked the letter off of the floor. Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the parchment.
“What is this?” she demanded.
“Our lady has until midnight to tell Jarl Ulfric she will be his bride, or Vilkas and Farkas will be executed.”
Alright, I’m no Stormcloak but this mistreatment of Ulfric is making me itch. Opportunist, yes. Racist, yes. But Ulfric is no mustache twirling villain who blackmails chicks into marrying him. What would that gain him? She’d probably run off with her Twoo Wuv anyway. I’d say she’s even more useless than Princess Buttercup but that would be an insult to Princess Bride, a GREAT story.
Alianna decides to go through with the wedding instead of doing the sensible thing and blackmailing Ulfric. Killing people to get their woman wouldn’t behoove a king, methinks.  
Some pointless babble with the Redguard kids and it’s time for the party! (By the way the fic is almost over.)

Quote :
As soon as Olivia was out of the room, Lydia finished painting my face and fixing my hair. Once done, I stood, dropped the towel and held out my arms, while Lydia dabbed my body with lavender-scented powder. There was a knock on the door, and Slovak’s handmaidens entered my chambers carrying my dress, covered by a white sheet. Lydia moved to the far corner of the room, giving the women space to help me dress. Once finished, they stepped away for Slovak to examine it personally.
It shimmered; there was no other way to describe it. When I moved, it caught any light around me and glittered like a fire dragon scales. Of course, I was sure that was what the tailor and Ulfric had been trying to accomplish. The dress, made of the softest sapphire-blue fabric, ran to the floor and trailed slightly behind me; it had twin, thigh-length slits up both legs that flashed soft, black leather, thigh-high boots. The bodice of the dress cut a low V to the top of my breasts; a corset cinched my waist and pushed my already voluptuous chest upwards. The mounds swelled at the low cut, leaving little to anyone’s imagination. A gold belt fastened at my waist and gold gloves covered my arms to the elbows. The top of the dress had points that curved across my shoulders and looked like horns on a dragon. Two colorless straps rested on my shoulders, holding the dress up. The theme was obvious; I was dragon in human form.
That dress sounds like a Mardi Gras costume. Laissez les bons temps rouler! I love how she has to tell about how big her tits are.  Why is Lydia babying Alianna? Besides the obvious I mean. She’s a housecarl, not a bleedin’ handmaiden!
And Slovak? Isn’t he the guy from Red Hot Chili Peppers who OD’ed? And like, died?

Quote :
“Too bad I can’t appreciate it under the circumstances,” I replied. “But thank you, Lydia.” How I wished Farkas and Vilkas were here to enjoy this evening with me. Every minute away from them, knowing they were in danger, made my heart ache.
“Are you truly going to marry Ulfric?” she wondered as we began our assent to the great hall.
“I will do just about anything to keep Farkas and Vilkas safe,” I vowed. “Though I am hoping to find a way out of this marriage, for now I will go along with it.”
“Sneaky bastard,” Lydia cursed Ulfric under her breath.
I sighed. I hated to disagree with her. “I don’t honestly think Ulfric is behind their disappearances. However, a few misplaced words here or there in the wrong ear, and voilà, someone is doing this without his knowledge. Though he is not the one giving the orders, it does make him ultimately responsible for this situation.”  
What a twist!   Alianna suspects Ulfric is being manipulated into marrying her. Her Sue Sense somehow know even though we have no evidence to support this at all. Ulfric gushes over her wunnerfulness to the Easily Swayed Crowd and they announce their engagement when suddenly…

Quote :
I didn’t know the din could get any more deafening than it did when we kissed, but I was wrong. My ears rang from the explosion of sound assaulting my ears. I was so caught up in the celebration, I didn’t even see the arrow until it was buried in the flesh of my left breast, just above my heart.
I like to imagine that’s my Imperial aligned Nord mage, Kalma, shooting the Sue with her conjured bow. It fills my black heart with joy. Alianna can somehow still Shout during this.

Quote :
I whispered, “Yol toor shul,” the Shout of fire breath, before it all went black.
By the way, for extra giggles on the story proper, check the comments section.
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
Disco Stu
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-10-22
Age : 33

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:28 pm

sexpot sue

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
bleachedblackcat
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:37 pm

I can't help but think that Farkas was really hoping that the herb would kill him so he could go back to killing things and not have to moon over some chick who can't even make clothing that'd fit into the game/era. I admit that I giggled over the fact that she seems like a Japanese anime villain in her wedding dress though.
Back to top Go down
ZOOLANDER
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-10-21
Age : 32

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:53 pm

Penguin wrote:
xerrofoot wrote:
I made a female Breton named Chell as a kind of Skyrim/Portal crossover. What do you think, is it worth writing into a fanfic?
Skyrim/Portal what kind of fucking moron no they're not compa- wait, what? As an attempted crossover, you made changed Chell to one of the two all-white races in the game?

Great, so not only are you asking if two completely incompatible game universes are worth writing as a fanfic, you're also whitewashing one of them.

HEY EVERYONE WE GET TO ADD "RACIST" TO THE LAUNDRY LIST
1. Such a crossover has not only already happened, it happened as a joint Valve/Bethesda DLC project, effectively making it canon.

2. Bretons are only white by default. I changed the skin tone to a much darker shade and reshaped her eyes. Don't you fucking call me a racist.

Thanks for reminding me why I put you on ignore, douche.

CyanideTea wrote:

So now Alianna is bitching about how much it dearly sucks to have a custom dress made. That Ulfric is paying for.  I’d wager his Septims should be going towards…I dunno, THE FRICKIN’ CIVIL WAR. Or does he have a special safe for Mistress Funds?
Didn't Windhelm stop paying taxes to the Empire once the Stormcloak rebellion started? Plus there's the whole thing about non-Nords getting taxed more heavily. Either way, Ulfie's got plenty of cash to splash on the future Jarla.

CyanideTea wrote:
Quote :
"I do not think any advice I might provide for you at this time will be of assistance to your romance problems. I find it distressing that Vilkas is conveniently missing while the jarl tries to wedge himself into your heart and that your other lover, Farkas, was injured by Imperials on his way to find you. Not to mention the Thalmor and Imperials sit in a camp somewhere outside of Windhelm while we sit here and play dress-up for a party instead of driving them from our land." Lydia puffed out an angry breath.
Thanks Lydia for trying to get the actual game’s plot back on track! But…Thalmor camping with Imperials? Theirs is an uneasy alliance, but why would Thalmor sully their Altmer master race glory by hanging out with their conquered foes?
Because until they finally execute their master plan and wipe out all the other races, the Altmer still have to hang around with all the smelly humans. It's their Empire, after all.

CyanideTea wrote:
Do they not have a child support system in Skyrim? Drop the little punks off at Honor Hall, then!
And leave them to Grelod's tender mercies? That's cold, Cyanide.

Quote :
There was a knock on his door followed by Jorleif entering his chambers. “Milord, I have news. The Dragonborn has taken off for the Imperial camp.”
C-3PO: Master Ulfric! I'm afraid your little friend has done something rather rash.

CyanideTea wrote:
Yeah, let’s sip wine and fawn over the Dragonborn while the Imperial Army scouts the area outside, they won’t attack! Not like we called a ceasefire for a holiday or something. I thought Ulfric was supposed to be a military genius?
\

I don't know, that sounds pretty genius to me, actually. Pretend to party it up and lull the enemy into a false sense of security, then bam! Out of the shadows comes the Dragonborn and a handful of soldiers. They'll never know what hit them.

CyanideTea wrote:
Quote :
I came to win, to fight, to conquer to thrive. I came to win to survive, to prosper, to rise.  - ”Fly” by Niki Minaj and Rihanna]
Just bring in Nikki Minaj and the Thalmor will flee in terror.
I would. Nicki Minaj is HORRIBLE.

CyanideTea wrote:
I like to imagine that’s my Imperial aligned Nord mage, Kalma, shooting the Sue with her conjured bow. It fills my black heart with joy. Alianna can somehow still Shout during this.
Her name should be Karma, then. Heh heh heh.
Back to top Go down
rae
Contributor
Contributor
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : computer chair

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:00 pm

xerrofoot wrote:
Penguin wrote:
xerrofoot wrote:
I made a female Breton named Chell as a kind of Skyrim/Portal crossover. What do you think, is it worth writing into a fanfic?
Skyrim/Portal what kind of fucking moron no they're not compa- wait, what? As an attempted crossover, you made changed Chell to one of the two all-white races in the game?

Great, so not only are you asking if two completely incompatible game universes are worth writing as a fanfic, you're also whitewashing one of them.

HEY EVERYONE WE GET TO ADD "RACIST" TO THE LAUNDRY LIST
1. Such a crossover has not only already happened, it happened as a joint Valve/Bethesda DLC project, effectively making it canon.

2. Bretons are only white by default. I changed the skin tone to a much darker shade and reshaped her eyes. Don't you fucking call me a racist.

Thanks for reminding me why I put you on ignore, douche.
The way you emphasized 'me' makes me wonder just why you should be considered above reproach on this issue.

lrn2ignore. That means, you know, ignoring people's posts. Not reading them and answering them.[/quote]
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:00 pm

xerrofoot wrote:

Didn't Windhelm stop paying taxes to the Empire once the Stormcloak rebellion started? Plus there's the whole thing about non-Nords getting taxed more heavily. Either way, Ulfie's got plenty of cash to splash on the future Jarla.
Fair point. War is still expensive though. Also, nothing more romantic than getting your fiancee shot.


xerrofoot wrote:
Because until they finally execute their master plan and wipe out all the other races, the Altmer still have to hang around with all the smelly humans. It's their Empire, after all.
I figured they had plenty of troops of their own.


xerrofoot wrote:
And leave them to Grelod's tender mercies? That's cold, Cyanide.
Oh, well Dragonsue probably hasn't killed her. I always do whether my Dragonborn joins the Dark Brotherhood or not.



xerrofoot wrote:
I don't know, that sounds pretty genius to me, actually. Pretend to party it up and lull the enemy into a false sense of security, then bam! Out of the shadows comes the Dragonborn and a handful of soldiers. They'll never know what hit them.
Ulfric was probably counting on the Dragonsue to do this. But would he risk his best soldier and somebody he's developing feelings for? And that seems pretty underhanded for a Nord; the people who value honor and strength.
I guess Breton Alianna doesn't know a thing about honor though, does she?
High Rock is supposed to be THE Deadly Decadent Court

But I'm sure she's an orphan, etc, etc generic sob story twagic past, etc.
Back to top Go down
Penguin
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
avatar

Join date : 2009-07-18
Location : Wild Gray Yonder

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Fri Aug 23, 2013 11:42 am

xerrofoot wrote:
1. Such a crossover has not only already happened, it happened as a joint Valve/Bethesda DLC project, effectively making it canon.
Right, because the easter egg mod you linked to is totally what that statement implies. Throwing in the Space Sphere as a one-off gag is hardly a crossover, let alone establishing a canon connection.

Quote :
2. Bretons are only white by default. I changed the skin tone to a much darker shade and reshaped her eyes.
Okay, so you changed the skin tone from "Irish" to "Brit thinking about getting a spray tan."  The slider doesn't go that far for Bretons; screenshots or it didn't happen. Besides, did you ever stop to think about what "Breton" both means and implies? There's a reason they all have English- and French-sounding names. In-game they're the result of elves banging Vikings. They're Whitey McWhiterson, esq.

Quote :
Don't you fucking call me a racist.
Or what, you'll cry some more?

Quote :
Thanks for reminding me why I put you on ignore, douche.
Thanks for reminding us that you're incapable of actually ignoring anyone, racist.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:34 am

Penguin, go troll somewhere else.
Back to top Go down
Penguin
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
NO NOT THE BEEEEES
avatar

Join date : 2009-07-18
Location : Wild Gray Yonder

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:09 am

CyanideTea wrote:
Penguin, go troll somewhere else.
Are you familiar with the concept of trolling? Because it seems like you aren't.

In any case, the target has been renamed and apparently banned. I'm done here.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 24, 2013 5:05 pm

Farkas wakes up imprisoned with Vilkas. They’re imprisoned in WINDHELM. Stupid Sue, go LOOK for them. It would work better than walking around asking questions. So now we get some last minute exposition from the tailor Hillel Slovak and his girlfriend.

Quote :
She sighed but nodded. “For what it was worth my dearest, it was a good plan. Skyrim united under the two strongest individuals to come along in centuries.”
“Damn the Thalmor for their interference. Perhaps if the Dragonborn doesn’t die she will still marry the jarl.” Slovak looked over her shoulder at the twins and scowled. "They have been the only obstacles that Ulfric had in winning Arianna’s heart. The weeks I worked on the Dragonborn’s dress, the jarl talked to me of her strength and beauty.  It was so easy to see that the jarl was infatuated with the woman. Had Arianna been a Nord, I am sure Ulfric would have married her the day they stormed Solitude and killed the general together." He sighed, looking back at the elf.  “I can only hope that our interference with these two will have opened her eyes and perhaps her heart to Ulfric.”
They had to use all this subterfuge to hook up those two?  
Oh wait! I get it! They wanna kill the Sue! No, that’s just my wishful thinking. Farkas and Vilkas hear about this eeeeeevil plan and decide to break out. They also babble about how she’s their mate…but not, since she didn’t claim either one.
Quote :
His mind contemplated the tailor’s words about Arianna’s promise to wed the jarl. She hadn’t really thought he or his brother had abandoned her and willingly run into another man’s arms; she wouldn’t do that, would she? No—no way in Oblivion would she choose anyone other than him or Vilkas. One of them was destined to be with her. By the Nine, they were mated! No words of marriage would or could break a mate’s bond.
Though she hadn’t completed the bond with him or Vilkas yet, he just couldn’t believe she would choose another over either of them so quickly. The sounds of chains rattling against stone broke Farkas from his deep thought.
Kinda easy to break a bond that’s not completed, actually. Sure go running around calling someone your mate instead of marrying properly. Folks are bound to get suspicious. Ufric carries the injured Dragonsue out of the secret passages that keep cropping up. Now we’re in Hogwarts Castle and not the Palace of Kings. He looks upon her and gets a nasty twinge of those awful things called ‘feelings’.

Quote :
His world had shifted and he was numb, or at least he thought he was. Ulfric had never experienced this sensation before. He’d come to feel something towards her, something beyond the physical. It wasn’t quite love but it was the strongest emotion he had ever felt. Even his feelings for Eldar’s mother paled in comparison to how much he was beginning to care for the Dragonborn. Looking at Arianna in his arms, she looked so frail, so tiny. She always seemed so much larger than she really was, her personality making up for her small form. Seeing her like this was surreal. The thought occurred to him that she could be injured so badly that she might not survive.
No! No! Ulfric! Heed my voice! Come back to the light! Don’t fall for the Sue! You already kissed her and got her Sue herpes, don’t get full blown Sue AIDS!!! Vilkas ponders what to do if Alianna dies and that he WILL have her as his…ugh…mate…no matter what. No, never mind the Imperials attacked and lots of people have probably already died, you’re busy thinking about your three-timing ho.  The twins find those DAMNED secret passages and blunder about trying to find the Dragonsue who they can’t seem to pick up her scent even though they’ve gone to retarded lengths here to tell us how powerful a werewolf’s sense of smell is…
If they were smart they’d LEAVE the palace and follow said scent to the White Phial, the only alchemy shop in Windhelm. A good place for someone with an arrow sticking out of her chest? Actually the hall of the dead would be better. Nah, a giant’s bonfire. While still alive. Muahahaha.
Blood loss aside, Alianna’s conscious enough to be helpful.
Quote :
Quintus looked pale but wrapped his long fingers around the shaft and pulled as hard as possible. It barely moved; instead, my blood on the arrow made it slip through his fingers. He cursed in frustration, reaching for a bloody cloth to wipe his hands with. Once again he reached for the arrow and I jerked. “Use the cloth.” He stared blankly down at me for several precious heartbeats before comprehending my words. He grabbed a rag and wrapped it around the arrow as a grip and nodded to Lydia and Ulfric, who held my limbs tightly in their grasps. Quintus took a deep breath and pulled.
And she turns into a werewolf. Because….loose ends.
Quote :
“She’s cursed! A damned wolf!” Ulfric shouted. “Had neither of you thought to mention this fact to me before I proposed to her?” He stomped back and forth across the White Phial's shop floor, shattering the fragile calm in the store.
Really? You didn't know she was a werewolf? WEREwolf. THERE. WOLF. There. Mary Sue. Did you not notice she smells like wet dog? Has hair sticking out of her ears? Bends over and offers you her rear end while whining?
'*loud howl*Please do me, my Jarl but be gentle I'm a maiden!'
But no, the Suethor is already picking and choosing only the good parts of being a wolf. We can't have anything like heat or litters.
Vilkas and Farkas finally find their way to the White Phial and they bicker with Ulfric like schoolboys picking teams.

Quote :
Ulfric's head snapped around to their direction, baring his teeth in a carnal way. "The Dragonborn is no longer your concern. Stay away from my bride."
Vilkas stormed forward, his eyes narrowed in fury. "She will marry you over your dead body."
"And you will see her over yours," he growled back. "She agreed to be my wife, she chose me over you both."
"Only because she was being blackmailed into it," Lydia snapped.
"Lies!" He screamed. "She wants to be with me."
"Tell that to whoever kidnapped these two and sent her the letter saying they would kill them if she didn’t agree to marry you."
Alianna accuses Ulfric of only wanting to get with her for her power and influence.
Quote :
“I believe that this is for the best right now. Someone is plotting against us, my jarl. That is more important than conflicts involving the heart. Besides, you don’t really want me anyway; you want the power and influence that would come with being married to me.”
I lowered myself on the stairwell, exhausted from standing even for a short amount of time. Ulfric opened his mouth in protest. “You can't possibly believe that?”
Sadly, I shook my head. “I do actually. Your reaction to finding out about my second nature showed me how you truly felt about me.” I leaned my elbows onto my knees and rested my face into the palms of my hands. “I will support your bid for High King, so long as you stop pursuing this delusion of you and I and you leave these two alone.”
She threatens to nominate herself High Queen (pfft) and Ulfric storms out after throwing a hissy fit.
Quote :
He threw his hands into the air. “Fine! I release you from your promise and swear to leave them alone.” He stormed to the door and his hand gripped the handle tightly, making his knuckles turn white. “One day you will regret this, not today or tomorrow but someday, you’ll think back on this moment and know you made the biggest mistake not choosing the best man for you in this room.”
How…soap opera-y of you. Now it’s time for the hasty cop-out wrap-up. But first, this;
Quote :
. I tensed for a fight as a soft sexy voice murmur into my ear.
“Hello, lass.”
Alianna: ARGH! Brynjolf, get out of my house! I will not bind myself to you in a sex rite to Nocturnal!
By the way, despite all her healing skills Alianna’s been bedridden for weeks.
So she bangs her mystery man who is………………………………….Vilkas!
Vilkas helpfully brings us up to speed on what happened.
Quote :
First off, Ulfric was pissed that it was me and not you there. He seemed to think you would have been joining him on this raid. But we have determined that the witch, whose name is Nirya is in Winterhold. Slovak has been caught and is being held in the dungeons at the Palace of the Kings."
So that’s the end then. They exchange a few mushy words and then this dreaded sentence comes along;
Quote :
This is the official end of Book One of Raised by Wolves. There will be a second book, because I don't know about you but I'm not ready to say goodbye to Arianna and Vilkas just yet.
A sequel. Oi.

This fic was a painful schlickfest; the BEAAUUUUUUTIFUL Sexpot Sue fucks two people and makes out with a third and still comes out on top. Why does there have to be a choice regardless? The 'marry me or your boyfriends die' was painfully cliche; the constant worship of the Sue is stupid; the werewolves having to mate and the twins choosing the same woman is STUPID and the only reason it was brought up was to handwave the fact that two brothers don't fall for the same kind of woman.
If the author puts out a sequel I will likely spork that too.
Here's a summary I threw together.

Dragonborn: I'm Harbinger now.
Farkas: You're beautiful.
*kissy kissy bomchickawahwah*
Vilkas: You're beautiful.
DB: Uh oh, LOVE TRIANGLE!
*bomchickawahwah*
Vilkas: You're my mate now.
CyanideTea: But werewolves just kill stuff! *tased and stuffed into broom closet*
Lydia: I'm here to be a reasonable voice. Oh forget that I'm here to stroke the ego of the Dragonborn and be useless. Here's a letter from Jarl Ulfric.
DB: The jarl wants to see me? Do I smell plot? Nope we can't be havin' plot. Ooh he sent me a pretty circlet. He's sending me pressies 'cause he wubs me. And I'm already banging two guys I'm not a slut at all!
*In Windhelm*
Ulfric: I have the author's puppet stick wedged firmly in my colon, I shall now turn from a rebel leader into a fucking fop. Someone go tase CyanideTea again I can hear her sobbing all the way from Whiterun. Welcome, Dragonborn. I threw a feast for a Breton holiday even though Nord bigots like me would never do so but the author needs to give me an opportunity to get into your panties so here we are. You're beautiful!
DB: Ohhh I'm pretending to be modest having three guys after me and being wishy washy. Some other stuff is happening too with some original characters but it's really quite boring.
Ulfric: I'm going to sneak into my room because that's not stalkeriffic it's romantic then I'm-a try to shag you.
DB: *swoon* I'm so powerful yet I can't knee you in the balls or something.
Vilkas: *bursts in* DAS MAH MATE HANDS OFF. Och lass faith and beggorah and some such because the author has me mixed up with Brynjolf from the Thieves Guild who has vaguely Irish mannerisms or the Nirn-related equivalent thereof.
Farkas: *useless*
Lydia: *useless*
Original characters: *doing stuff elsewhere*
Ulfric: Marry me. I need fodder for the battle of Solitude and-I mean, you're beautiful. And you're powerful 'n stuff. Somehow that will help me politically even though you're Breton and I'm trying to win Skyrim for the Nords and they'd think you were a Forsworn or something. So marry me or I'll kill your other two fuck buddies.
DB: Cool. I mean... Noooo I'm in a terrible conflict!
Ulfric: I had a tailor make you a hideous dress to wear when we announce our engagement.
DB: *gets shot by an Imperial soldier during the announcement* Oopsie we forgot about the fucking CIVIL WAR going on. Tee hee! *faints*
*some other stuff happens*
Ulfric: You're a werewolf! I'll not marry a beast! But a Breton, I'd totally wife you and make you a target for a political assassination because that JUST FUCKING HAPPENED. Dragonborn or not you can't Shout away that arrow wound, huh?
Farkas: Potato.
*Vilkas and Placeholder move into Breezehome where they boink a lot*
Vilkas: You're mine.
DB: You're mine.

END Angry
Back to top Go down
ViewSonic
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2013-05-05
Location : Where the lonely people come from

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Wed Sep 11, 2013 1:23 pm

Hey, guys, look at this:

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I found all the commas this story forgot.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:55 am

I think there's a lot more than that still missing. And did you find a plot, likeable characters, logic and faithfulness to the source material?

Oh I think that's asking a bit much.
Back to top Go down
Dixie
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : London, UK

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Sat Sep 14, 2013 2:38 pm

ViewSonic wrote:
Hey, guys, look at this:

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (etc, etc) (edit mine)
I found all the commas this story forgot.
How about bunging in a few spaces?  You're stretching the board.
Back to top Go down
CyanideTea

avatar

Join date : 2013-08-15
Age : 29
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Tue Jan 28, 2014 10:01 pm

Why did I forget to mention that the useless Redguard maid Olivia calls the Sue 'Dovahkiin' even
though she should have no business knowing the Dragon language? Even the Blades just call
you Dragonborn. Only the Greybeards say 'Dovahkiin'. That was probably just a slip, though.
Anyway, this fic is like a cheesy romance novel. Its biggest sin is that it's boring.
Back to top Go down
Knorg
Behind Blue Eyes
Behind Blue Eyes
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-06
Age : 35
Location : The Forest

PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   Wed Jan 29, 2014 11:40 am

Quote :
Being lusted after by three guys because you're attractive is not sexy.

No, but it's my life so I have to put up with them.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)   

Back to top Go down
 
The Elder Scrolls said nothing about this...(somewhat NSFW)
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Review
» making Scrolls
» [TCG] "Elder God Noden" Arrives on TCG!
» [SCD New] Elder Entity N'tss
» Elder God Demonbane vs Hajun vs Othinus vs Beyonders vs Living Tribunal

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: