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 Serects (mildly NWS)

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Poniticus



Join date : 2013-04-25

PostSubject: Serects (mildly NWS)   Mon May 06, 2013 12:32 pm

As a first-time snarker, I can tell you right now that this is going to be terrible. The back button is right there in the left-hand corner, and it is free to click on.

Now, for the people who decided to stay, I've chosen a Hetalia fic, partly because it's my fandom and partly because it'll be easy for a practice run (I mean, it's Hetalia. What would you expect?). Basically, Hetalia is an anime/manga featuring personified nations interacting throughout history, from the classical era to modern times. It's insanely entertaining, and second only to My Little Pony for having the most racist fans ever.

So, shall we begin?

Quote :
It was midnight and a stray cat ran as a dark figure chased it. The cat ran until it was dark figure pounced on its prey.

First two sentences and we're probably already thinking this won't end well for anyone.

And as if it can't get off on a worse start any more than it has, the most cliché setting in Hetalia fanfiction appears:

Quote :
"LISTEN UP DUDES!" Shouted America, "We need to talk about our economies and how to deal with them!"

That's right—a world meeting! Yay, I can't wait to see where this goes!

Quote :
"YOU AN ASS!" China yelled.
A mildly racist speech pattern in the English language written entirely in caps? Of course this is where it would go! (Oh Hetalia fanfiction, you so silly and oddly predictable.)

Quote :
America began laughing at China, so China started to yell insults at him. England sat reading a newspaper sipping his Earl Grey tea. He was reading a unusual story. France noticed.
I know purple prose is the worst way to write, but maybe, just maybe it would improve the writing in this fic.

Quote :
" Listen to this," England said "'For over a month now small pets have gone missing all over the world. the where about these pets are unknown or the reason someone might take these pets.”

America spoke "who cares dude? its just little animals. it would be different if it was people."

I wonder if PETA exists in this universe.

Quote :
"well you bloody wanker we'll just see if this goes on for any longer than we will take action," England said.

Hetalia fic writers are required to have England say 'bloody' and 'wanker' at least once a chapter or they'll die. #trufax

(Also, “for any longer than we will take action.”)

Quote :
Japan approached him "uh. America, are you okay? You seem irr."

D'aww, more affectionate racism! It totally makes Asians in character, right? Right?

So the meeting ends with nothing accomplished and our heroes enter the exciting realm of...

Chapter two! which begins with a few more sentences about an animal getting attacked.

Quote :
A dog ran as a figure chased it. The dog tried attack it when it became cornered. The firure seemed human. But it had appendages that were inhuman. The dog lept to figure slashed with its claws. Thud.

Oh, my dear chapter introductions. Still as incomprehensible as ever, I see.

Quote :
Another meeting had come and the animals still vanished. England was telling the others why they need to take care of it and japan noticed America.

Wait... why do I feel like this has happened before?...

Quote :
France laughed "Ohononon. Oh England are we not getting over worked with your little magic?"

If anyone knows what France's laugh is supposed to be, I'd love to hear it.

Quote :
Russia spoke up "I say we find cult ourselves and smash heads in,da?"

the other nations paled " ."

Pale: to enclose with pales; fence in.

Poor “ .”

Quote :
England sighed "I'll see what i an do. But I suggest we all try something on our own to catch the culprte."

How do you botch 'culprit' so thoroughly?

Quote :
France wrapped his arm around England "Wounderful idea."

England blush " off."

France let go "Fine maybe later?"

England blushed more and the others laughed.

Hetalia Fic Rule #616: England must blush whenever he is molested.

Quote :
England sighed "i think. We might have a demonic problem."

BREAKING NEWS: England establishes that he can, in fact, think.

Quote :
A nation stood easdropping to the conversation. "Shit. Their onto me."

Ooh, how mysterious!

Also, for the last bit, I like to rearrange the word order. 'Their shit. Onto me,' is much more interesting than whatever's actually happening.

And thus chapter two ends, and chapter three begins. This time no animals are harmed, but the predator sits on a building in the first understandable introduction in the whole story:

Quote :
The dark figure knelt on top of a building and spread out its sinister wings. A tail swished behind it. It looked down at the city searching for prey with glowing blue eyes.

... Okay, so maybe not entirely understandable, but it's a start in the right direction, I suppose.

Immediately afterwards we go to Japan, who's setting up traps with his dog Poochi.

Wait.

Poochi?

Surely author meant Pochi, which is both the name of Japan's dog and a common pet's name in the country. Is it really...

Quote :
Poochi whinned
Quote :
Japan pet Poochi
Quote :
Japan picked Poochi up
Quote :
Japan and Poochi sat in the bath tub and Japan washed Poochi's ears
Quote :
Poochi barked
Quote :
drying Poochi then himself

... I guess it is.

So Japan and... Poochi have a bath together, and Japan 'lied down and fell asleep'. But Japan won't have a peaceful rest for too long.

Quote :
It was the middle in of the night when Japan heard a gunshot. Japan woke up sitting up "What was that?" Then one of his bells rang, it was a sign a trap had gone off! Japan Got up putting on sandals running out to see what it was.

Its short i know but the next chapater is going to be long.

Fanart for the story can be found on my DA account. Blackestfang.

An author's note shoots a gun and triggers one of Japan's traps! Oh no, what is Japan to do?!

On another subject, can a fic have fanart if the author's the one drawing it? Just a question to distract you while chapter four begins...

In the worst way possible.

Quote :
Before I start. Yes I'm ignoring time zones in this story. If you don't like that then you can stop reading but i don't think its something to worry about. It'll be a good story but to make it good we have to ignore time zones. -Blackfang11

What? You can have time zones and a good story; it's not like they're mutually exclusive or anything.

But I guess in this case they aren't.

Quote :
Japan couldn't believe his eyes. A net had captured something. But what it was Japan couldn't believe. In the net was a man with black hair, horns, glowing blue eyes, glasses, pointed ears,No shirt, devil wings, one was bleeding on the top, tan pants, claws on his hands and feet, fangs and a forked tounge.

Japan backed up shaking "A. I. A."

Oh, dear. It appears the terrible description of the object in the net broke Japan.

Quote :
The creature looked away from Japan.

Japan spoke " ?"

Shit, he's worse than I'd originally thought. It'll take much longer for Japan to recover, I'm afraid. Those commas were traumatizing.

Quote :
the beast sighed. "hey. Japan." The monster was America?! Japan slapped his cheeks to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He wasn't.

Gasp! Now it all makes sense! is something I would never say in regards to this fic.

Quote :
"America. What happened to you?! Your," Japan said.

Ah, Japan got through two sentences before shorting out! It seems my diagnosis was incorrect. He'll make a full recovery!

So Japan gets America out of the net and immediately tends to the wound he received from the gunshot, because I guess a Japanese person will always respond like that when he encounters a supernatural being. Must be that anime stuff.

Then Japan asks the question that's on everyone's mind:

Quote :
"America..What happened to you?"

America sat there shaking and Japan could see tears swelling in his eyes. Japan frowned. Whatever happened to America must have been bad.

"i don't know," America said quitely.

Japan leaned looked at him confused "What did you say?"

America almost yelled it "I DON'T KNOW!"

'Almost yelling' is the same thing as 'saying everything in caps with an exclamation point at the end', right?

Eventually America gives in and tells Japan what had occurred to cause this change:

Quote :
"i.I don't know. I was working in the woods. My boss wanted me to cut some trees. I started hearing a voice and then a sharp pain in the back of my neck. I passed out and woke up to days later. I had a mark on my neck," America said. America moved his hand off his neck showing a mark that looked like a broken yin yang symbol, "I thought it was just a cool burius but then at night I kept hearing a voice. The voice told me to do things! It wanted me to kill. No eat! Eat humans! It wanted blood! I tried to ignore it then one night I turned into this!"

Quote :
"so. I decided to..eat animals. It was the only way to get the voice to leave me alone. I tried raw steak but that didn't work. So I had to kill and eat little animals just to get it to stop. I'm so scared. I'm a killer. No matter how much I try the voice keeps telling me to consume." America held his head shaking " I can't be a hero. I can't stop it. I'm so scared. I wanted to make you guys not worry about the animals so you wouldn't find out. So..I said it was no deal. I'm scared. I don't know what to do."

So to break it down:

1. America's boss ordered him to cut trees, presumably to etch little hearts into the bark.
2. America passed out, only to wake up to days later with a ying-yang burius on his neck.
3. There's a voice in his head, telling him to eat human flesh, but since he's so righteous he eats random animals he finds wandering around instead.
4. He's scared.

America starts crying after realising how ridiculous it all sounds, and then Japan tries his best to comfort him.

Quote :
Japan finished treating his wing and walked around America sitting in front of him. America looked at Japan crying. Japan put his hands on America's cheeks and smiled.

"Prease stop crying. I'rr herp you," Japan said.

I'rr herp you

herp you

herp


Quote :
America wipped his face, "Really?"

Japan nodded, "yes. And I wirr not terr the others about this. Your serect is safe with me."

Title Drop!

Quote :
America smiled wagging his tail "Thanks."

"but I have a question. When do you change into this?" Japan asked.

"at night," America answered, "I change only at night time."

Japan smiled "okay. Prease try to come here every night untir we can break this."

America became worried, " But what about my blood lust?!"

Pfffft what kind of question is that, America.

After a quick 'thanks you' to Japan, America leaves with a healed wing, and Japan feels odd emotions stirring within him as he thinks about the other nation... emotions that, perhaps, signify love...

Which is rather obviously addressed with the title of chapter five: 'Love?' (It's okay, author. I don't know what that is, either.)

For some reason, Italy, Japan, and Germany are meeting even though World War II's been over for almost seventy years now. Despite WWII apparently continuing in this universe, some things have been looking up:

Quote :
Japan had been helping America for almost a week and news of vanishing pets have stopped. The news said that whatever was doing it must have finished what it was doing.

To be honest, I had to reread the second sentence to make sure that was what I was reading.

Japan's still conflicted about these new feelings he has for America, and he decides to talk to Italy, the famed master of flirtation and being a virgin at the same time.

Quote :
After they finished japan approached Italy "Itary. May i ask you something?"

Italy smiled "course you can Japan! Whats up?"

Japan held his chest blushing "as of latery we ever I see America my chest gets wierd. What do you think it is? Shourd I see a doctor?"

Italy was silent for a moment then laughed at Japan" VEEEE! Your funny Japan!"

'Oh no!' Japan gasped. 'Is my funny showing?'

Quote :
Japan became flushtered "itary! I'm serious!"

italy poked japan's head "You are in love."

" ?!" japan said surpised, "With America?!"

Oh dear, Japan's still broken.

Quote :
Italy snapped "bingo! You've got a big crush on him I think."

Japan shook his head and crossed his arms "NO! Theres no way I could be!"

"You are. I know becasue I've had that feeling many twice in my life," italy said.

"Twice?" Japan asked.

Many twice, if Italy is to be believed.

Quote :
You should tell America how you feel before its to late!" Italy than ran off.

Japan crossed his arms tilting his head, "To rate? What courd Itary be thinking. Does he know about America's curse?" Japan shook his head "Imposirbre."

I spy a word that needs to exist!

After the 'meeting', Japan returns to his house with some mice and watches America eat them, complete with bloody imagery and the desire to vomit. With that romantic setting, Japan and America then ponder their feelings for each other.

Oh, yeah, America has feelings for Japan. The author decided you didn't need to know that until now, too.

Chapter seven is a real treat: Delicious France/England sex!

Quote :
France lifted England's penis and licked the tip of it.

... Well, I didn't mean it literally, but whatever works.

Quote :
"Its just that the fairies are all telling me to avoid America and the time he and Japan have been spending together is all so strange," England said.

France pushed England onto his back kissing his cheek "oui? And are you jelous of Japan for spending time with America?"

England blushed "NO! I got you git!"

france started removing his own pants " hehe. I was teasing you silly."

England crossed his arms "Well don't. I need to figure this out!"

Yes, figure it out... with buttfucking!

Quote :
France lifted England's penis up and slid his own underneth it and began to thrust.

Since I have no words for how strangely horrifying the imagery is, I'll just quote this review:

Quote :
UGH! This is sooo awesome! but...I don't know if you know how two guys actually have sex. That's okay though. Other than that this was amazing Wink Keep up the good work!

Quote :
England clenched the sheets and moaned as france thrusted. When france stopped England sat up and kissed him.

That is the most disappointing sex scene in fanfiction history. I mean, even My Immortal has some redeeming qualities.

Chapter seven arrives far too late for the reader's salvation; the unsatisfying, anatomically impossible sex scene is already embedded into the reader's mind.

In this chapter, Japan is working on a cure for America's animal-eating curse.

Quote :
Japan pured garlic water on America's curse mark but nothing happened.

I suppose that's one way to go about it.

America then explains why he doesn't wear clothing as often anymore: smexy fanservice to win over Japan his transformation destroys them. He suggests Japan take a break, and Japan—wait.

Quote :
Japan was surprised. America wanted to take a break? If they did it would prolong the time America was cursed. Then again they weren't getting anywhere with thier work.

Quote :
If they did it would prolong the time America was cursed. Then again they weren't getting anywhere with thier work.

Quote :
Then again they weren't getting anywhere with thier work.

Quote :
with thier work.

Quote :
thier

OKAY THAT IS IT. I was going to avoid pointing out the godawful spelling and grammar because it would take up over half of the entire snark, BUT I HAVE HAD IT! I AM GOING TO EDIT THIS WHOLE GODDAMN CHAPTER!

Quote :
It was another night for America and Japan. They were at Japan's trying to break the curse. Japan poured garlic water on America's curse mark, but nothing happened.

America smiled. "I guess it's good I don't wear a shirt when I change."

Japan nodded. "I suppose. But why do you do it?"

"When I first changed, the transformation ripped my shirt, jacket, and shoes, so I take them off before I change," America said.

Japan nodded. "Okay."

America looked around. "So what should we try next?"

"I'm not sure," Japan said.

America smiled. "Well, how about we just relax tonight? We've been working so hard and we could use one."

Japan was surprised. America wanted to take a break? If they did, it would prolong the time America was cursed. Then again, they weren't getting anywhere with their work.

"Okay," Japan said.

America crossed his arms. "Dang."

"What?” Japan asked.

America shrugged. "I was hoping you would smile. You're cute when you smile."

Japan started to blush. Cute? He was cute? Could it be that America shared his feelings? "America, do you—"

America cut him off. "Alfred."

Japan was confused. "What?"

America smiled. "That's my real name. You can use it."

Japan was stunned. Nations were to never use or give their real names. They had them to help them feel human. Alfred. It is an amazing name, Japan thought.

"Kiku. I am Kiku," Japan said.

America smiled. "Kiku? That's a cool name!"

Japan looked away blushing. The more he talked to America, the more he wanted to confess his feelings.

Japan got up. "Mind if I go change into my house kimono real quick?" He had to get away from America for a couple of minutes.

America blinked. "Okay. I don't care."

japan got up and started to change. He heard a loud thud. And America screaming.

Japan ran into the room where America was. America stood there, his glowing blue eyes suddenly blank. Japan shivered. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

I feel so much better now.
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Mon May 06, 2013 9:24 pm

Jesus. This is just bad. Again with the vampire crap too. why? WHY?
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Poniticus



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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 12:15 pm

I know. Something must be done to stop this!
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 12:38 pm

Quote :
"LISTEN UP DUDES!" Shouted America, "We need to talk about our economies and how to deal with them!"
We need to hang-ten because that market theory is totally gnarly!!

Quote :
France lifted England's penis up and slid his own underneth it and began to thrust.
Hmm, I am no expert on frottage, but that seems like it would be hard to keep in place. Maybe their dicks are magnetic?
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 12:47 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
"LISTEN UP DUDES!" Shouted America, "We need to talk about our economies and how to deal with them!"
We need to hang-ten because that market theory is totally gnarly!!
In the FuniMation dub, America has the most stereotypical surfer accent ever. "YO BRITAIN! I TOHDALLY CAPTURED ITALY!"
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 2:23 pm

Hahaha yessss. That is so much better than Japan replacing Ls with Rs, why is there not more of that in this fic? Hang on a minute, I need to fix this:

Quote :
America threw up some devil horns. "Rawk out dawg, it's hella rad I don't wear a rash gaurd when I change."

Japan nodded. "I suppose. But why do you do it?"

"When I first hit that fat wave, the transformation made doogie meat of my shirt, jacket, and shoes, so I take them off HARDCORE before I change," America ROCKED.

Japan nodded. "Okay."

America looked around. "So what should we, like, try next, brah?"

"I'm not sure," Japan said.

America head-banged. "Well, borseph, how about we just chillax tonight? We've been shreddin the gnarl so hard and we are jonsin to hang loose."

Japan was surprised. America wanted to take a break? If they did, it would prolong the time America was cursed. Then again, they weren't getting anywhere with their work.

"Okay," Japan said.

America crossed his arms. "Weaksauce!!!"

"What?” Japan asked.

America head-banged some more. "I was hoping you would smile. You're totally spiffy like fr'real when you smile."

Japan started to blush. Cute? He was cute? Could it be that America shared his feelings? "America, do you—"

America cut him off. "Alfred, dude."

Japan was confused. "What?"

America smiled. "That's my real name, bruduh. You can rock it."

Japan was stunned. Nations were to never use or give their real names. They had them to help them feel human. Alfred. It is an amazing name, Japan thought.

"Kiku. I am Kiku," Japan said.

America smiled. "Kiku? Woooooah, that's a wicked tubular name!"

Japan looked away blushing. The more he talked to America, the more he wanted to confess his feelings.

Japan got up. "Mind if I go change into my house kimono real quick?" He had to get away from America for a couple of minutes.

America threw up some more devil horns. "RADICAL!!! I don't care!!!"
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 2:43 pm

*cackling*

seriously though the hetalia canon is already extremely dodgy because a) all the characters are collections of stereotypes and b) a lot of it is world war 2 reimagined as harmless fun between hawt bishie-boys and nobody gets put into camps or gassed to death en masse

and then funimation adds an extra layer of offensiveness by slapping accents on everybody in the dub
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 6:23 pm

scratch How many animals was America eating each night that it became news?


Quote :
and then funimation adds an extra layer of offensiveness by slapping accents on everybody in the dub

I now have to watch this show dubbed just to see how bad the accents are.
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Poniticus



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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 6:48 pm

I honestly think this whole fic would be better if America spoke like that

Cyberwulf wrote:
seriously though the hetalia canon is already extremely dodgy because a) all the characters are collections of stereotypes and b) a lot of it is world war 2 reimagined as harmless fun between hawt bishie-boys and nobody gets put into camps or gassed to death en masse

The treatment of wars like WWII and the nations themselves is a very bad recipe; for some reason, a lot of fans think that they can find humour in any tragedy, or that they can treat tragedies lightly--I mean, I've seen 'funny' fanart about the Japanese invasion of Manchuria, and one piece concerning the Ardeatine Massacre. You can imagine why I've often considered leaving the fandom.
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Tue May 07, 2013 11:16 pm

What? What? I don't know how to respond to this. WW2 and everything relating to it was awful, why would an anime series try to glorify this and turn it into a parody? Oh wait, Japan thinks they have done no wrong when it comes to WW2, right? They still haven't apologized, right? No wonder shit like this slides.
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Wed May 08, 2013 2:47 pm

Poniticus wrote:
I honestly think this whole fic would be better if America spoke like that

Cyberwulf wrote:
seriously though the hetalia canon is already extremely dodgy because a) all the characters are collections of stereotypes and b) a lot of it is world war 2 reimagined as harmless fun between hawt bishie-boys and nobody gets put into camps or gassed to death en masse

The treatment of wars like WWII and the nations themselves is a very bad recipe; for some reason, a lot of fans think that they can find humour in any tragedy, or that they can treat tragedies lightly--I mean, I've seen 'funny' fanart about the Japanese invasion of Manchuria, and one piece concerning the Ardeatine Massacre. You can imagine why I've often considered leaving the fandom.
On the other side, you have fans who have no problem with a canon that makes light of WW2 and ignores the Holocaust, the internment camps, and the 55 million dead, but get extremely precious about aspects of their own history. It's like, how can you be okay with the canon and not with this? Are you going to stop reading/watching if canon tackles this particular event? Because by and large the comic/anime makes light of historical events. The only one I can think of that's treated with a little more seriousness is the American Revolution (it ends with England on his knees in the rain, crying because he can't bring himself to shoot his little America in the face).

Kakashifan727 wrote:
They still haven't apologized
Well, they aren't allowed to have an army and they were bombed with nuclear weapons, so.
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Wed May 08, 2013 4:58 pm

Oh, yeah. But then again they killed/raped people and brush it off like nothing happened/don't acknowledge it, I believe. They also don't teach RoN in the textbooks, too, so many young JPN people have no idea. I dunno...I mean, we killed people and nuked places, but we at least acknowledge we did bad things. Japan seems to want to sweep it under the rug.
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Wed May 08, 2013 6:04 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
Kakashifan727 wrote:
They still haven't apologized
Well, they aren't allowed to have an army and they were bombed with nuclear weapons, so.
Oh, well, that's okay then.
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PostSubject: Re: Serects (mildly NWS)   Thu May 09, 2013 2:48 pm

Kakashifan727 wrote:
but we at least acknowledge we did bad things.
IDK, that seems to depend on where you go.

But yeah the US sorta fisted Japan and never took its hand out. If I were Chinese or something I might feel righteously pissed at em but as a US citizen I am not sure I have a leg to stand on about that.
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