The Fool (NWS)

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This epic failfic features Irma the waitress. This is typically Irma:

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She will take everything literally and is about as smart as the potato.

Of course, in the fanfic a random nameless vampire has chosen her, no one but Irma, to receive the gift of immortality.


See and disbelief the events that follow:

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“What’ll it be… hon?”

“Irma! You’re Bleeding!”

“Special sauce, hon…”

This is Irma speaking? That'll be the first witty remark she ever made.

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Garfield’s claws flicked out and dug into the counter. Suddenly hyper-aware the ginger cat could smell a dead body in the kitchen… chef Tony.

Of course Garfield knows it's chef Tony by the smell. Why, he probably smelled the exact time of decease and his last words, too.

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Irma also smelled… wrong. Her black hair was down about her shoulders, freed from the constraints of her hairnet.
Her glasses were gone though she held a bloody pad in one hand, and a pencil in another. She stopped in front of cat and dork and flashed them a grin with teeth to match the cats.

“Why Miss Irma… you’re beautiful…”

Hang on. Jon Arbuckle decides to hit on her? Jon Arbuckle? There'd better be a damn good explanation. Oh, there it comes:

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Jon took the dorky stereotypical reaction to Irma with her hair down and glasses removed.

Aha! Removing the hairnet makes Irma irresistable. Fact.

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Garfield’s claws were stuck fast in the counter. He pulled with all his strength, teeth grinding together, but couldn’t budge.

‘JON! JON! FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF! SAVE ME!

Better for Garfield to beg Jon to remember himself.

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Irma reached out and stroked a blood-spattered finger down Jon’s face. The hunger snarled within her, a raging beast of lust and fury. The emotions failed to flicker across her immobile face, worn with years of service in the diner. Jon felt the frustrations of the night forcing blood into his crotch.

Nothing as arousing as being smeared with blood.

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“That’s sweet, hon… sweet as suger…”

That'll be the first second time Irma ever said something remotely witty.

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She knew what she had to do.

“Well, Irma, a smart sophisticated guy like m-ARRGGHH”

Irma pulled Jon over the counter and held down on the sticky, stained surface with just one cold hand.

Irma even acts competently now?

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“Why Irma… this is all so sudden!”

”WAKE UP GARFIELD! WAKE UP!’

Because Garfield was sleeping? Who is even yelling this?

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“I want you, Hon.”

Jon’s leg accidentally booted Garfield in the head. Now he was seriously annoyed, but even the anger couldn’t yank his claws from the bench.

Poor anger.

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He hadn’t felt so helpless since he was too fat to run away from the big dog next door.

Indeed. So what will he do? Scream for help?

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Irma mounted Jon with cruel abandon, as he pushed her skirt and apron up, and pushed her knickers aside to feel for her snatch. He was surprised to find it so cold. With his other hand he pushed his trousers down as much as he could to pull out his cock.

Nope. John Arbuckle, professional virgin, decides to get naked instead.

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He was getting laid! Jon wasn’t even stopping to think of the craziness of Irma pulling him on the counter, or the blood, or any of it. Irma looked down at his neck and fancied she could see his jugular pulsing fit to burst. The hunger howled within as Jon penetrated her, so happy he felt as if his bow-tie was twirling.

Impossible. How did Jon NOT spend five minutes finding the right opening?

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‘JON! YOU CRAZY…’ Irma casually flicked out her arm hard enough to knock Garfield back out through the diner door. He lay stunned on the tarmac as birds snickered overhead, ‘This is a job for the caped avenger…’ the cat fuzzily thought before losing consciousness.

Poor Jon. Irma pays more attention to Garfield than to him, even when he unexpectedly penetrates her.

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Jon had his eyes screwed tight as he held onto Irma’s hips and pumped into her.

“Wow! My sock collection’s got nothing on this!”

Jon the virgin, keeping it up in a difficult position like a professional porn actor.

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Irma let the hunger build as she held Jon’s head to the side. Rolling her head back she ran her tongue across her teeth, letting the anticipation build. She envisioned breaking all the diner’s customers in the same way, taking their blood.

Does she even notice Jon is screwing her yet?

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“Irma! Kiss me!”

Irma, being Irma, of course took it completely literally and..

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“Sure… Hon…” Jon felt like Iram was crushing him against the counter as she pressed herself close into his warm body and bit deep into his throat.

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“Arrhhh! Lovebite!” Jon began to cum, hips jerking against without conscious effort against her. Heat and lust; hunger and death. Jon’s eyes were now wide with panic even as he pasted her undead womb. With terror lent strength he tried to pry Irma from his neck. The waitress thrilled as the blood washed her tongue, finer than any coffee, as Jon’s life pumped into her from neck and crotch.

Oooh snuff porn.

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“Irma… please…” Jon felt the exquisitely erotic sensation as Irma lapped at his lifeblood, and kept Cumming.

But the quick decrease in blood pressure would end his erection!

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Irma pulled herself off of Jon slickly, and stepped down beside him. He weakly looked into her eyes and saw the embers of the hunger. Irma rubbed his wilting penis with one hand, and slurped seminal fluid from her finger.

“Bye hon. Come again soon.”

I can't wait, Knorg.

So, the fuck did I just read? Still not as batty as ShakespeareHemmingway though.

Hahaa, I am so glad you picked this one. Garfield = instant badfic comedy gold.

spork wrote:

But the quick decrease in blood pressure would end his erection!

I don't even want to know how you would be able to say that for sure.


Nice touch with the comics.
I'm confused, though; so he doesn't die? Or what?

That's another thing. I thought he was turned into a vamp too. Maybe it'll take a while for the effects to settle in. We'll see next chapter.

grmblfjx wrote:

I don't even want to know how you would be able to say that for sure.

Just one of those things you try in your early teens.

kakashifan wrote:

That's another thing. I thought he was turned into a vamp too. Maybe it'll take a while for the effects to settle in. We'll see next chapter.

I don't think there will be another chapter. This was the first in a series of random short stories, all with different characters.

In one of the other Knorg stories a different vampire (Willow, from Buffy the vampire slayer) killed a guy while having sex with him too, so after reading that I assumed Jon died here too. But only Knorg knows.

spork wrote:

Just one of those things you try in your early teens.

e.e

Well, you are Dutch...

kakashifan wrote:

That's another thing. I thought he was turned into a vamp too. Maybe it'll take a while for the effects to settle in. We'll see next chapter.

I don't think there will be another chapter. This was the first in a series of random short stories[/quote]

Not so random. It's called Knorg's Vampire Tarot for a reason...

Sporky wrote:

Poor Jon. Irma pays more attention to Garfield than to him, even when he unexpectedly penetrates her.

"SURPRISE," yelled Jon as he boned old-as-fuck Irma up the ass.

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Irma looked down at his neck and fancied she could see his jugular pulsing fit to burst

Uh, if sex caused jugulars to explode, the people left would be Ian, Clopper Cyberwulf, and myself.

But then I'd probably kill myself instead of listen to Ian and Clopper for eternity, and Cyberwulf would probably beat both of them to death with a rock, so it'd just be Cyberwulf, ranting about the Patriarchy to no one.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

But then I'd probably kill myself instead of listen to Ian and Clopper for eternity, and Cyberwulf would probably beat both of them to death with a rock, so it'd just be Cyberwulf, ranting about the Patriarchy to no one.

Your new avatar amuses me, did I say?

spork wrote:

Nothing as arousing as being smeared with blood.

If you haven't got your Red Wings you haven't lived.

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