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 Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover

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PostSubject: Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover   Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:11 pm

Another gem brought to us via WTF Fanfiction: This is Family Matters HARRY POTTER ENTRY[sic], and once again, we're told all we need to know right off the bat (this time in the story summary):

Quote :
Her real name is Isabella Marie Potter Summers Swan Turner. Her siblings, Harry James Potter Summers Swan Turner and Buffy Potter Swan Turner. They're triplets and it's time to kill Voldemort. TWILIGHTxHARRYPOTTERxBUFFYxPIRATESOFTHECARIBBEAN book x-over.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

This is pinging my trolldar slightly, but still... Lets see what delights this clusterover has in store for us!

Quote :
This takes place after Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and after he kills all of the horcruxes, except for the 7th one.

So this takes place in the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts?

Quote :
This takes place after Eclispe and after Buffy has saved Angel's soul.

Which means that these all took place at least half-a-decade after the end of the Harry Potter series. But I don't think continuity is a concern here.

Quote :
I don't know if the Buffy's part is right because I haven't watched that many episodes. If I am wrong in anything, please tell me and I'll correct it. And yes, I purposely spelled Swan with one "n" because even though Elizabeth Swann has two "n's."

I think you threw in a stray "because" there.


Quote :
The Phone Call- Bella's POV

Today has been the best day of my life. I have married the man I loved and am in complete bliss. The wedding ceremony was magnificent.

So it's less "after Eclipse" and more "In the middle of Breaking Dawn".

Quote :
Alice has done an amazing job. It was held in the Cullen's backyard and everyone in town attended. Everything was done over the top, but I didn't care. Today was my special day. Charlie had given me away and the vows were said in a blur. The only parts that I can recall were the "I do's" and our kiss, but other than that, all I remember is starring into those warm pools of topaz.

That's seems less "I only have eyes for my beloved" and more "someone spiked my drink."

Anyway, Bella waxes glurg-y about how happy she is when she spots "two cloaked figures" in the sky and gets a weird feeling about them. In response, she asks for her parents... and someone else.

Quote :
"Yes, I did. But first, Edward can you get Charlie for me?" I asked. He looked even more puzzled than before, but nodded and left. "Mom, do you still have the Weasley's phone number? I think Mr. Weasley still has that muggle phone."

"Yeah, here you go, sweetie. But why do you have to call them?" She handed me her cell phone.

Apparently, they just straight up know the Weasleys. How does that work? *confused shrug*

Quote :
"Hello?" asked an uncertain, male voice.

"Yes, hello. Is this the Weasley residence?" I asked. Just then, Edward had returned with Charlie.

"Yes, it is. And may I ask whom am I speaking to?"

"Isabella," I replied simply.

"Oh my! Isabella Marie Potter Summers Swan Turner?! Is this really you?!" shrieked the voice.

Assuming that's Arthur there (and "shrieked?" Really?). ANd not only does he know Fusion Bella here, he knows her full lineage. And who the hell would just blurt out a name that long like that?

Quote :
"Is Harry with your family at the moment?" I looked over to see that Renee was smiling; Charlie was surprised that I would call, and Edward just looked completely confused.

Edward speaks for us all.

Quote :
"Yes, would you like to speak to him?"

"Yes, if he isn't busy." I heard him put down the phone and his footsteps up some stairs.

"Hello?" a motherly female voice said.

Harry's been through some changes!


Quote :
"Hello. You must be Mrs. Weasley. It's been a while since I have last seen you. I'm Isabella."

One: Isn't it kind of rude to just pick up the phone and start talking like that, especially when you don't actually know who's on the other end?
Two: "You must be Mrs. Weasley?" This is something you say to someone you've already met before?

Quote :
"Hey, Harry. It's me, Bella," I said with a smile. I missed my brother.

"Hey. How are you? And how is America?"

Yet another really odd turn of phrase there. Unless they're suggesting Bella moved to America when she was old enough to remember England.

Quote :
"I'm perfectly fine. The only thing has changed is that I'm married," I said and looked back up to the sky.

"What?! You're married?! Bloody hell, my baby sister is married before I am," he said, surprised.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry I didn't invite you. But I actually called because there is a problem and just wanted to know if it is major."

So she couldn't bother to send an owl to the brother she loved and missed so much about the most important day of her life? Strong family ties rite thur.

Quote :
"Is there a problem going on with the ministry over there? Because when I looked at the sky I saw some dementors.

"Naturally, I said and did nothing to safeguard my loved ones and guests from the soul-sucking ghouls."

Anyway, Bella asks if Dumbledore knows anything about the apparent stray dementors (like how the hell they reached the Pacific Northwest). Harry informs her that Dumbledore done got dead.

Quote :
"I don't know, Bella. And he died just last year." His voice sounded like he was in pain.

I was gonna cut this a little slack, since the story was written in 2009... Then I double-checked and was reminded that The Deathly Hallows came out in 2007. Which tells me ifairyu, the author, is going by the movie storyline and has never read the books. Joy.

Quote :
Just as he said that, he sent me an image of Dumbledore's last moments.

If he could just Twin Telepathy her the info, why the hell didn't he do it a long time ago? Anyway, a little angsting over SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE and...

Quote :
"It's time, isn't it? We have to take care of this problem now," I said, my voice determined.

"Yes, it is," he sighed sadly. "How soon can you get over here? I didn't even tell Buffy."

"I can get over there in about three days. I'll pick up Buffy. Meet you at London's airport?"

A) Because London only has the one airport.
B) You're just gonna ditch your husband of hours to address a situation you should've been appraised of months ago?
C) Wouldnt' it be far faster and easier to just call Buffy, tell her what's up and have her meet you there? I mean, it's not like Buffy doesn't have shit to do on her own turf, right?

Blah blah Bella is awesome and stuff, ohbytheway "my new husband is a vampire."

Quote :
"A WHAT?! How can you do this, Isabella?! I'm not really mad, surprised. If he makes you happy then I am happy for you. But Buffy is going to have you head! You know what her job is and all!"

"Yeah, but don't you remember she loves Angel? And he is a vampire, too. And besides, these vampires are different from the ones that we're used to."

Something I hadn't realized from the summary: We've got the "kung-fu fightin' demon" vamps of Buffy in the same universe of "Sparkling X-Men" of the Twilightverse. And I'm betting the differences will never be remarked up, let alone explained.

Quote :
"Who's Harry and Buffy? Why do you have to go to London? What are you keeping from me?" Edward asked. I jumped. I forgot he was with me.

"Oh, remember how I was pretty much unexceptional, except that you couldn't read my mind? Big fucking lie, actually."

Bella gets the Cullens together with her parents and it's Infodump Time!

Quote :
"Renee and Charlie aren't my real parents. They are actually my aunt and uncle from my mom's side. My real name isn't just Isabella Marie Swan, but Isabella Marie Potter Summers Swan Turner. I am actually seventeen and will forever be seventeen unless I wish to grow. My mother is Elizabeth Swan and my father is William Turner. I have two older siblings, Harry James Potter Summer Swan Turner and Buffy Potter Summers Swan Turner. We are triplets. My father is a pirate/blacksmith. My mother was a lady of high society. They lived in London until they fell in love and began on their journey to find my grandfather who has been held captive on the Flying Dutchmen. On their final journey, they rescued my Uncle Jack Sparrow from Davy Jones' Locker. There was a big fight between the British and pirates from all over the world. They fought on board. My mother and father even married right then and there while they fought. My father sacrificed himself by stabbing Davy Jones' heart that he kept in a chest, but he also ripped out his own and replaced it in the chest. My father saved everyone, but he couldn't live with my mother afterwards because he had to follow the ship. On their honeymoon, which was the night right after the battle, my parents conceived me and my siblings. She only ever got to see dad once a year. After we were about six months old I believe, when she sent us to live with relatives because she missed dad so much."

"That's why our names are so long. We had our godparents name with them. My brother went with the Potters and my sister went with the Summers, while I went with the Swans. But really, our family is quite big. I have aunts and uncles and cousins that are pirates, wizards, witches, werewolves, vampires, demons, angels and every other mythical creature that is out there. As a result, my siblings and I are witches. I haven't seen them since I about four years ago when Dumbledore told me everything about our family. Harry lives in London with our most hated muggle aunt and uncle and their spoiled brat of a son. And he is the only one that goes to Hogwarts, a school where they teach you how to use spells and such. Buffy lives in Summerdale, California. She is actually, a vampire slayer. She fell in love with one, too. His name is Angel. Her demon friends are also with her and their really nice. The vampires that she hunts are different from the vampires that you know. And that is my life I guess. Do you guys have any questions because I have to go get Buffy."

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Sadly, I don't know enough about PotC to know how out of place this would be in that universe.

Quote :
I looked around the room at all their faces.

Expressions of "What the actual fuck" across the board.

Quote :
Carlisle looked interested, Esme looked happy because I guess she is just glad to have a few more daughters and sons, Jasper looked like he was going to explode with all these emotions, Alice looked excited, probably because she has another shopping buddy, Edward looked thoughtful, Rosalie looked confused, and Emmett looked….well, like Emmett.

I like my idea better.

And then we get around to the question of why, exactly the PSST sibs needed to join up right the fuck now.


Quote :
"Who's Voldemort and why do you have to kill him?" Carlisle asked.

"Voldemort is the most feared dark wizard in the world. He killed thousands of people. While I was little and stayed at the Potters with my brother and sister, Voldemort busted in and killed my Aunt Lily and Uncle James Potter because they were in his way because they were protecting us from him. He used a killing curse on us, but then something backfired and he managed to have the curse reflect off us and on to him. Now, we are the only known living survivors to have survived the killing the curse and it's a prophecy that we kill him once and for all. That is why I am going to London." Carlisle nodded and I continued. I lifted the hair over my shoulder to show them the lightning bolt scar on the back of my neck.

"Which, inexplicably, none of you have ever seen before now.

Quote :
"You see this scare? Harry and Buffy have the exact same scar. Harry has his scar on his forehead and Buffy has her scar on her shoulder. We got these scars from Voldemort's curse. It shows that we are all bound together and are cursed to do great things. Because of these scars, I can talk to my brother and sister through our minds." I watched as Alice packed some stuff into a suitcase. "You guys better go pack if you are coming. Harry almost exploded when I told him I'm married, let alone to a vampire. He wants to meet you guys." I said looking over my shoulder at them.

That came across as less exposition and more "stream of consciousness brain storming:.

Oh and good job both missing the point of and destroying the impact of Lily's sacrifice, BTW.

Quote :
So what do you guys think? Should I continue? Please review! This is my first fan fiction , so please no flames.

What you gain in solid grammar (outside of the odd typo) you lose tenfold in pure WTFery.

Oh, and this is Chapter 1 of 5. Well, four chapters and an A/N whining about other readers whining.
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PostSubject: Re: Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover   Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:05 am

I skipped to the whining and read this:

Quote :
Q: Why do you post up the same story 4 times? And in different categories?

A: Because my story is a cross over between 4 different books/television shows/movies, I wanted to put it in different categories because I know that some people are only interested in one topic and would only search under that topic. And so I want people who are interested to be able to read it if they want to.

This is technically against ff.net's rules, so don't be surprised if this monstrosity disappears soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover   Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:26 pm





Quote :
Sadly, I don't know enough about PotC to know how out of place this would be in that universe.

I do, and this makes no sense whatsoever, resembling the movies only insofar as there are people named "Elizabeth Swann", "Will Turner" and "Jack Sparrow" involved.

1. Will and Elizabeth lived in Port Royal, not London (Elizabeth may have lived in London when she was a little girl, but that was before she met Will and the movies never specify where he was from originally beyond "England").

2. Elizabeth hated her social role; by the end of the Pirates trilogy she'd pretty much severed all her ties with "high society" and become a pirate captain and Pirate King of the Brethren Court. Really, if you want to make your Sue's parents sound cool "they were pirates" really beats out "they were a blacksmith and lady of high society". Just sayin'.

3. Elizabeth was an only child. Mary Sue here shouldn't have an aunt and uncle on her mother's side.

4. Will and Elizabeth did save Will's father, "Bootstrap" Bill Turner, from the Flying Dutchman, but that was neither their first adventure together nor the reason they set out on any subsequent one, more something they did in the course of killing Davy Jones and stopping Lord Beckett from taking control of the sea.

5. The kids shouldn't have had powers; Elizabeth goes from Distressed Damsel to Badass Normal, and Will only has powers as a side-effect of being the new captain of the Flying Dutchman. The kids should be ordinary humans, not freaky immortals.

6. Will and Elizabeth could only see each other once every ten years, not once a year. That particular point regarind the Dutchman's captain is very, very well established in the movies- he (whether Davy Jones or Will Turner) can only set foot on land but once every ten years.

7. Will and Elizabeth had only one child, not triplets.

8. Last and most importantly, the Pirates movies take place in the mid 1700's. That's more than 250 years ago, Suethor. Now, Will is immortal, so long as he remains captain of the Dutchman and nobody kills and replaces him, but neither Elizabeth nor her imaginary relatives should be alive, and Bella-sue, Buffy-sue, and Harry-stu would all be centuries old if they somehow inherited their dad's immortality. That doesn't remotely jive with the established backstories and characterizations of any of them.

So yeah, this suethor seems to have somehow gotten the idea that Pirates was the best franchise to use to tie this massive crossover together, when it really, really isn't, and what we've got feels like throwing random elements of different franchises together to see what sticks. I'm not as familiar with Buffy as I'd like to be, about as familiar with Twilight as I want to be (which isn't very), but I know my Potter and Pirates and this pretty much destroys both of them because the Suethor was (assuming this isn't a troll, in which case they're still no Tara Gilesbie) too busy squeeing over them to actually pay attention to what was happening. I only pray they don't bring in Lotr or Star Wars later on *hopes fervently that favorite franchises are safe*.

Sorry if TL:DR, but this level of pure "They just didn't care" regarding canons you're allegedly writing fan fiction for just irks me.
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PostSubject: Re: Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover   Mon Jun 24, 2013 9:56 pm

It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but I finished riffing all four chapters.  I'll have it up shortly, but in the meantime, here's Chapter 2, featuring the Rifftrax crew.

Quote :
Lil' Sis- Buffy's POV

KEVIN: ♫ Hey hey hey Mama /Look at litle sis/ Out in the backyard/Stakin' like this! ♫

MIKE : You made it fit.  Nicely done.

KEVIN: Thank you!

Quote :
I just came back home from a tiring night of killing vampires and demons when I burst through the doors of my house.

MIKE : [Buffy] WILMA!  I'M HOOOOOME!

Quote :
I guess everyone is already in their rooms or have gone out. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and chugged it down.

BILL: Grab the gusto, Buffy!

Quote :
Just then, the phone rang. I let it ring three more times before I picked it up.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hello? Is this Buffy Summers?" asked a timid female voice.

"Yes, it is. And who is this?" I asked, suspicious. Just then, Spike, Willow, Oz, Cordelia, Xander, and the others had joined me in the kitchen.

KEVIN: The Scoobies travel in packs.

MIKE : What?  Were they all hiding from the phone in another room?

BILL : [Gollum] The ringing!  It frightensss usss!

Quote :
"Oh! Hey, sis. Long time no see. It's me, Bella."

"Holy shit! Bella is this really you?!" I shrieked, surprised.

BILL : It's been so long you don't recognize your "beloved" sibling's  voice?

Quote :
"Hey! Is that Bella?! Put her on speaker!" Willow demanded. I nodded.

MIKE : [Willow] Hey - it's the sister we like!

BILL : [Dawn] HEY!

Quote :
"Hey, Bella. Everyone is here with me. I'm going to put you on speaker, kay?"

"Mmkay."

ALL : [Mr. Mackey] M'kaaay!

Quote :
I clicked the speaker button and put the phone back on the stand.

"Kay, Bella. The phone is on speaker now."

"Hey, everyone! It's been awhile since I last saw you guys," Bella said enthusiastically.

"Hey, Bella!" everyone chorused.

KEVIN: [Spike] Wait, which one is she again?

MIKE : [Willow] You know how Buffy has this brother in England who's like this magical super hero?  She's the other triplet.

KEVIN: [Spike] Oh, yeah - Little Miss "And The Rest."

BILL : [Bella] I can hear you, you know!

KEVIN: [Spike] I know.

Quote :
"Yeah, it's nice to talk to you guys again. Anyway, I'm on my way down there. You better start packing because I just called Harry and he said that it's time. I'm in Oregon right now."

"Really? So the ministry has already gone crazy? Is Dumbledore with Harry?" I asked.

BILL : [Buffy] And why am I hearing this from you and not Harry?

KEVIN: [Bella] Because I'm awesome! Duh!

Quote :
"Buffy, Dumbledore is gone. He's gone just like Aunt Lily and Uncle James," she murmured.

"No! What the Fuck! This can't be happening!

MIKE : [Buffy] Wait... Which ones were they again?

Quote :
Who did this?!" I could feel the tears pooling up but I held them in.

"I saw it. Harry showed me. He was there. And it was Snape." Angel had pulled me into a hug as Bella sent me the image she got from Harry. It was awful.

BILL : [Buffy] Again - why am I getting this from you instead of  Harry?

KEVIN: [Bella] Because then I'm as superfluous as the real, canon me.

BILL : [Buffy] Oh, right.

Quote :
"Okay, when are you going to be here?" I asked, determined more than ever to finally be able to kill that son of a bitch.

"I'll be there by six in the morning,

MIKE : [Bella] With cops on my tail!

Quote :
but we can't leave until night again," she explained.

"Wait, why can't we leave right after you arrive? We can't waste any time!"

BILL : [Buffy] In fact, why am I even waiting on you?  I should fly  out there myself and meet you there!

KEVIN: [Bella] You're waiting on me because SHUT THE HELL UP!

Quote :
"Because my family is coming along and they can't go into the sun without?err, complications."

"I don't understand. So what is Uncle Charlie and Aunt Renee are coming along," I said.

MIKE : I think this fic has some sort of Tourette's, but instead of cursing, there's just random grammar goofs.

Quote :
"It's not them that is coming. I mean, Edward's family."

"Who's Edward?" I exaggerated the word out.

"My husband," she murmured. It was barely audible, but I heard it.

"Your What?! You never told me you were married?! Why didn't you tell me?!"

BILL : So when, exactly, was she going to tell her two siblings about Edward?  When she sent out anniversary notices?

KEVIN: As far as I see here, at Mustache Dad's funeral.

Quote :
"Congratulations!" everyone else chorused.

MIKE : They're just trolling Buffy now, aren't they?

Quote :
"Thanks, guys. And I just got married today."

BILL : [Bella] I did mention that, right?

Quote :
"Well, I am happy for you. Is there anything else I should know?" I was mentally tapping my foot on the ground while waiting for her reply.

KEVIN: [Buffy] Mom and Dad showed up?  Godzilla attack?  We're crossing over with Percy Jackson?

Quote :
"Do you promise you won't freak? Harry freaked a bit, but he said that you would go over board and attack Edward when we got there." She sounded worried.

"What? It sounds like your saying that you married a vampire," I laughed.

BILL : [Bella] Awww... You spoiled the surprise!

Quote :
"Yes," she whispered.

"WHAT?! How could you? He could have hurt you! That is some very dangerous shit you got yourself into. Do you know how to defend yourself against them? I think I have taught you well enough. Do you still have that stake? And-"

MIKE : [Buffy] I mean - sex with a vamp is fine!  But marriage?

Quote :
"Stop! I knew you would freak. And yes I know how to defend myself.

KEVIN: [Bella] My every portrayed action to the contrary...

Quote :
No, I didn't bring the stake with me when I moved to Washington. These vampires are way different from the vampires in California. I think that Spike could explain later.

BILL: [Spike] No, I can't!

Quote :
And please don't attack my husband or family when we get there."

"Fine," I grumbled.

MIKE : [Buffy] My sister has her own nest of vampires.  Groovy.

Quote :
I could faintly hear a struggle on the other line and someone yelling at a person named Alice to stop doing something.

"Hey, Buffy. My very bouncy and energetic sister-in-law wants to talk to you. " Bella sounded annoyed and amused at the same time.

KEVIN: [Buffy] Wow! She sounds like someone I *never* want to talk to!

Quote :
"Fine, put her through."

"Hi! My name is Alice Cullen! I can't wait to meet you! We could go shopping and hang out and talk about-" she was cut off then.

BILL : [Buffy] Crap... Cordelia has a vampire evil twin.

Quote :
"Sorry about Alice,sis. I got to go, see you later."

"Okay. See you soon. Bye, Bella," I said with a background of people bidding her a fair well and safe journey. Then I hung up. Wow. What a phone call.

MIKE : [Buffy] Still don't know why she couldn't have told me all this telepathically...

Quote :
I just hope that I can keep myself from attacking her husband and my?.brother-in-law.I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

KEVIN: Because you have so little control over yourself when it comes  to vampire violence...

Quote :
So what do you guys think?!

BILL : [Cheerfully] I think you should delete this thing and re-evaluate your life!

Quote :
Why is it that I got like 15 hits, and 14 people read it, but only ONE person reviewed?!

MIKE: It's called "The Internet", dear.  That's the way it works.

Quote :
I am not going to continue until I get 5 more reviews,

KEVIN: Because ransoming your fanfiction always goes over big!

Quote :
so click the review button and just tell me if you like it or not. It doesn't take that long. At most only about a minute.

BILL : Again - The Internet.  Ten seconds is too long for some people.

Quote :
SSSOOO PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

ALL  : NO AND YOU CAN'T MAKE US!
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PostSubject: Re: Family Matters - A Twilight/Everything crossover   Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:45 am

Freezer wrote:
Another gem brought to us via WTF Fanfiction:  This is Family Matters HARRY POTTER ENTRY[sic]....
The title alone screams "disaster" in capital letters. Who in God's name is coming up with these failfics?
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