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V3N0M
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:26 pm

I can write a better fanfic:

Once upon a time in Enumclaw, WA, xerro and asked cyberwulf to film him getting buttfucked by a horse. Why cyberwulf? Because that's the closest she's ever going to get to a dick in her entire miserable life. But that's another story. Anyway, while cyberwulf was filming, the horse tore xerro's turdcutter in half. Xerro was afraid to go to the hospital because the doctors would find out what happened and call the cops, so he bled to death. Though beastiality was legal in the state of Washington at the time, cyb was given a suspended sentence of one year for criminal tresspassing. And WGW never saw another pony thread again. The end.
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Mikey Go WOOGA
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:37 am

grmblfjx wrote:
xerrofoot wrote:
Summercorn wrote:
[The only person here willing to give your stupid attention whoring post the time of day, and you are patronizing enough to correct her post, which you asked for, in red, mostly for fucking typos]

Prologue, not epilogue. Prologue = before the beginning. Epilogue = after the end.

You ask for feedback and then have the nerve to correct the only answer for fucking spelling errors. How about a THANK YOU first, or at all, really?
I'm starting to think you may be for real after all, because to create a sockpuppet this obnoxious, this clueless, this stupid, your creator would have to have a degree in psychology and spend hours on end plotting how to make this character more consistently unlikeable, only to find that that's impossible. You wonder why people don't like you; it's because you're a condescending, stuck-up, deluded little shit.

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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:02 am

Didn't read the whole thing, but a few thoughts.

Quote :
The boy's facial expression changed to confusion and he clutched at the pendant around hi neck, holding it up to examine it. “It can't be wrong...” he muttered.
Tamara decided to play along, figuring the kid must be playing some kind of game. “Is your magic necklace not working properly?”

Unless you want to paint Tamara as a character who is extremely trusting to strangers, this seems a bit too easy. I would expect her to be more disturbed by the situation.

I also think you're trying to cram too much information into a single sentence sometimes (a problem I have as well, when writing). A good example is this one:

Quote :
On a pedestal near the entrance was a stone form familiar to many: a tall, lanky draconequus – part pony, part dragon, part lion and parts of all sorts of other creatures – sealed in stone with the same look of horror he wore on his face when he was unexpectedly thwarted by the six Ponyvillians bearing the Elements of Harmony.

I would either leave some of this info out, or break it up into a whole paragraph.
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:50 am

xerrofoot wrote:
helpful correction
Oh yeah, Summercorn totally doesn't know that 'your' isn't spelled with a W. You changed her life. Rolling Eyes

Quote :
I don't see Summercorn complaining. Pull your head in, you cranky old biddy.
So basically, if people are too nice to call you on your shit, that makes it A-OK to act like a dickweed. Noted. Seems to go nicely with the rest of your personality, actually.



Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:
Mikey,
Totally not creepy Cool
It's okay, hon, I know you've fapped to my boobs before. This is nothing.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Thu Mar 21, 2013 7:37 am

V3N0M wrote:
I can write a better fanfic:

CYBERWULF PLEASE FUCK ME PLEASE PLEEEEEAAAAASE
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ZOOLANDER
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Thu Mar 21, 2013 7:56 pm

spork wrote:
Didn't read the whole thing, but a few thoughts.

Quote :
The boy's facial expression changed to confusion and he clutched at the pendant around hi neck, holding it up to examine it. “It can't be wrong...” he muttered.
Tamara decided to play along, figuring the kid must be playing some kind of game. “Is your magic necklace not working properly?”

Unless you want to paint Tamara as a character who is extremely trusting to strangers, this seems a bit too easy. I would expect her to be more disturbed by the situation.

Good point, but Twilight Sparkle and her pals are usually pretty trusting of people/ponies in general, so Tamara's reaction to Spike isn't too much of a stretch. I actually intended Tamara to come across as slightly condescending to kids.

spork wrote:
I also think you're trying to cram too much information into a single sentence sometimes (a problem I have as well, when writing). A good example is this one:

Quote :
On a pedestal near the entrance was a stone form familiar to many: a tall, lanky draconequus – part pony, part dragon, part lion and parts of all sorts of other creatures – sealed in stone with the same look of horror he wore on his face when he was unexpectedly thwarted by the six Ponyvillians bearing the Elements of Harmony.

I would either leave some of this info out, or break it up into a whole paragraph.

How?
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Fri Mar 22, 2013 12:46 am

By breaking it up in smaller sentences. So it could become something like this, for example:

Quote :
On a pedestal near the entrance was a stone form familiar to many. It was a tall, lanky draconequus: part pony, part dragon, part lion and parts of all sorts of other creatures. It was sealed in stone, with a look of horror on his face.

Once, he had had an evil plan to steal candy from kids. But his plans had been thwarted by the six Ponyvillians bearing the Elements of Harmony. And the shocked expression of that moment was now frozen forever.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:39 am

OK, thanks for the example.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Fri Mar 22, 2013 6:19 pm

xerrofoot wrote:
spork wrote:
I also think you're trying to cram too much information into a single sentence sometimes (a problem I have as well, when writing). A good example is this one:

Quote :
On a pedestal near the entrance was a stone form familiar to many: a tall, lanky draconequus – part pony, part dragon, part lion and parts of all sorts of other creatures – sealed in stone with the same look of horror he wore on his face when he was unexpectedly thwarted by the six Ponyvillians bearing the Elements of Harmony.

I would either leave some of this info out, or break it up into a whole paragraph.

How?

There's this thing called a period. Maybe you should Google it.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Fri Mar 22, 2013 9:20 pm

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:
There's this thing called a period. Maybe you should Google it.
I'm pretty sure they happen to him on a regular basis.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:08 pm

grmblfjx wrote:
Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:
There's this thing called a period. Maybe you should Google it.

I'm pretty sure they happen to him on a regular basis.

>Implying he has hit puberty yet

Thank you for hitting the easy ones out of the park. I knew there was a menstruation joke in there somewhere, but I couldn't think of a smooth way to write it and I was concerned no one would hit it off the tee I had put it on. Seriously, well done.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:19 am

“Isaac Asimov, Harry Harrison, Arthur C. Clarke, Ray Bradbury. Those are authors from the golden age of science fiction,”
"You will read every last word. Then you may have food."

Tamara Sparque smiled at the teenage girl on the other side of the information desk. “If you want to get better acquainted with the classics, those guys are definitely the way to go. If something's not on the shelf, you can reserve it through the loan reservation system and we'll let you know when it comes in.”
“OK, thanks.” The girl headed for the stacks and Tamara took her lunch break as Brad, the middle-aged systems admin, took her seat.

Brad, the TYPICAL middle-aged systems admin with the forgettable name, was never heard from again.

Tamara hurried dow the front steps of the library, her cheap flat shoes slapping against the cement.
Raunchy porno noise #347

A shortcut through a connecting gap between buildings brought her to her favourite coffee house, where she loved to blog on her days off.
Tamara: Dear Readers, I fucking hate Brad. I hate Brad so fucking much. The way he breathes irritates me, the way he chews, the way he can't seem to get to the point when he's telling me something important and I can't stop looking at how small his fucking head is!

A latte and couple of sandwiches later, she was on her way back when someone tried to get her attention in a rather strange way.
The stranger stared straight at her breasts and started screaming.

“Twilight?”
Tamara stopped and turned to see a young boy, gazing up at her with an expression of hope.
“I'm sorry?”
“I wasn't expecting to find you so soon! I guess I got lucky.”
She smiled kindly at him. “I think you're mistaking me for someone else. My name's not Twilight!”

"I'm sorry, little boy. My name is not that stupid."

The boy's facial expression changed to confusion and he clutched at the pendant around hi neck, holding it up to examine it. “It can't be wrong...” he muttered.
Tamara decided to play along, figuring the kid must be playing some kind of game. “Is your magic necklace not working properly?”
The boy paused,

and his eyes narrowed, "... Don't fucking patronize me."

then he shrugged, took it off and held it out to her. “Here, why don't you take a look at it?”
Tamara took the object by its chain and held it up to the sunlight to admire it, wondering how a kid got hold of such a gorgeous piece of jewellery. Then the fingers of her free hand brushed against the deep green crystal and suddenly bright green lights exploded in her vision, her head began to hurt and the world around her faded to black.

The kid just sort of clocked her in the back of her head. That's how most people end up in Equestria.

Tamara had no idea how long she had been out, but when she woke up to see the boy standing over her with a worried expression, a flood of memories rushed into her brain. Her upbringing. Her schooling. Her friends. Her real life.
Her real name.

The time she found the disembodied arm under the bridge.

Twilight Sparkle looked up in astonishment. “Spike?”
The boy sighed in relief and gave her a big smile. “I'm glad I got the right person.”

"Seriously, you are person number twelve. The last person I asked ended up collecting my email address and now I have a ton of messages about 9-11 being an inside job."

Four hours later, after finishing work, Twilight/Tamara took Spike back to her apartment and insisted he fill her in on the important details of their current situation over an afternoon snack. What were the two of them doing in this world, and why were they humans instead of a unicorn and a dragon? How was it that she now had memories of two different lives, one in this world and one in Equestria? Which one was real?

Spike solemnly informs Twilight that she was actually dead during the whole movie.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:06 am

Eeveegou wrote:
The kid just sort of clocked her in the back of her head. That's how most people end up in Equestria.
I love you so goddamn much Eevee.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sat Mar 23, 2013 5:19 am

Eeveegou wrote:
“Isaac Asimov, Harry Harrison, Arthur C. Clarke, Ray Bradbury. Those are authors from the golden age of science fiction,”
"You will read every last word. Then you may have food."

Tamara Sparque smiled at the teenage girl on the other side of the information desk. “If you want to get better acquainted with the classics, those guys are definitely the way to go. If something's not on the shelf, you can reserve it through the loan reservation system and we'll let you know when it comes in.”
“OK, thanks.” The girl headed for the stacks and Tamara took her lunch break as Brad, the middle-aged systems admin, took her seat.

Brad, the TYPICAL middle-aged systems admin with the forgettable name, was never heard from again.

Tamara hurried dow the front steps of the library, her cheap flat shoes slapping against the cement.
Raunchy porno noise #347

A shortcut through a connecting gap between buildings brought her to her favourite coffee house, where she loved to blog on her days off.
Tamara: Dear Readers, I fucking hate Brad. I hate Brad so fucking much. The way he breathes irritates me, the way he chews, the way he can't seem to get to the point when he's telling me something important and I can't stop looking at how small his fucking head is!

A latte and couple of sandwiches later, she was on her way back when someone tried to get her attention in a rather strange way.
The stranger stared straight at her breasts and started screaming.

“Twilight?”
Tamara stopped and turned to see a young boy, gazing up at her with an expression of hope.
“I'm sorry?”
“I wasn't expecting to find you so soon! I guess I got lucky.”
She smiled kindly at him. “I think you're mistaking me for someone else. My name's not Twilight!”

"I'm sorry, little boy. My name is not that stupid."

The boy's facial expression changed to confusion and he clutched at the pendant around hi neck, holding it up to examine it. “It can't be wrong...” he muttered.
Tamara decided to play along, figuring the kid must be playing some kind of game. “Is your magic necklace not working properly?”
The boy paused,

and his eyes narrowed, "... Don't fucking patronize me."

then he shrugged, took it off and held it out to her. “Here, why don't you take a look at it?”
Tamara took the object by its chain and held it up to the sunlight to admire it, wondering how a kid got hold of such a gorgeous piece of jewellery. Then the fingers of her free hand brushed against the deep green crystal and suddenly bright green lights exploded in her vision, her head began to hurt and the world around her faded to black.

The kid just sort of clocked her in the back of her head. That's how most people end up in Equestria.

Tamara had no idea how long she had been out, but when she woke up to see the boy standing over her with a worried expression, a flood of memories rushed into her brain. Her upbringing. Her schooling. Her friends. Her real life.
Her real name.

The time she found the disembodied arm under the bridge.

Twilight Sparkle looked up in astonishment. “Spike?”
The boy sighed in relief and gave her a big smile. “I'm glad I got the right person.”

"Seriously, you are person number twelve. The last person I asked ended up collecting my email address and now I have a ton of messages about 9-11 being an inside job."

Four hours later, after finishing work, Twilight/Tamara took Spike back to her apartment and insisted he fill her in on the important details of their current situation over an afternoon snack. What were the two of them doing in this world, and why were they humans instead of a unicorn and a dragon? How was it that she now had memories of two different lives, one in this world and one in Equestria? Which one was real?

Spike solemnly informs Twilight that she was actually dead during the whole movie.


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Now THAT is the snark I was looking for. Great job, Eeveegou! :D

Mikey/Grumbles: What if I told you I was a woman the whole time?
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:12 am

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:
>Implying he has hit puberty yet
I dunno. He could be thirteen or fourteen. I'm willing to believe he's that old.

Quote :
Thank you for hitting the easy ones out of the park. I knew there was a menstruation joke in there somewhere, but I couldn't think of a smooth way to write it and I was concerned no one would hit it off the tee I had put it on. Seriously, well done.
Obvious Joke- Five.

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xerrofoot wrote:
Mikey/Grumbles: What if I told you I was a woman the whole time?
Wouldn't make a lick of difference. I don't see how.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:37 pm

Gumball wrote:
Scrubs reference and gif

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

But only if I get to be The Todd. You be Turkleton. Colbert

Clopper wrote:
Mikey/Grumbles: What if I told you I was a woman the whole time?

It would explain why you only rarely make sense, why you're completely adverse to logic and stats in favor of being swayed by your emotions (which are fucked up to begin with because of the autism), and why you are a fan of a show meant for five year old girls.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:58 am

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:
Gumball wrote:
Scrubs reference and gif

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

But only if I get to be The Todd. You be Turkleton. Colbert

Out of the two of us, you are most definitely The Todd, dear. Hands down.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:47 am

Writer's block is a bitch, but I finally knocked out another chapter.

EDIT: Already found something that slipped through my first proofreading. Damn it. I really should get myself a beta next time.

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Tue Feb 11, 2014 12:16 am

God. I'm new here, although I've been reading the forums for a month or so, but honestly: I love you guys, but you're SO argumentative. Why is everyone ganging up on Zoolander?
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:28 am

MildlyPsychotic wrote:
God. I'm new here, although I've been reading the forums for a month or so, but honestly: I love you guys, but you're SO argumentative. Why is everyone ganging up on Zoolander?
Zoolander was really known as Xerrofoot, who we all came to despise. He kind of a creep, worshipping the Lady of the Labia, threatening Wulf with bad yiff writing, and just generally being a bigger nuisance than a Juggalo.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Tue Feb 11, 2014 2:26 pm

Yeah, people came to dislike him almost as much as they hate me.
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PostSubject: Re: I want someone to snark my work.   Tue Feb 11, 2014 2:28 pm

MildlyPsychotic wrote:
God. I'm new here, although I've been reading the forums for a month or so, but honestly: I love you guys, but you're SO argumentative. Why is everyone ganging up on Zoolander?

Please do not necropost unless you have something of value to add.
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