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 The Story of the Abused Slytherin

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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: The Story of the Abused Slytherin   Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:19 pm

Welp, I'm back to the Harry Potter fandom, and have I got a fic for you! [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] is exactly what it says on the tin. No, this is not another "Lucius abuses Draco" fic, it's got a Mary Sue!

Well, just check out this description:

Quote :
Sirius Black had a daughter. Her name is

Tiny Tim. He put her in the bathtub to see if she could swim.

Quote :
Josephine Black.

Whoa, only two names? And her first name is actually real! Of course, that may well be a sign of a blatant self-insert...

Quote :
Matilda, Sirius's wife, died giving birth.

'Cuz we can't have HER gettin' in the way of teh ANGST.

Quote :
Because of Sirius getting locked away in Azkaban, Josephine was sent to her Uncle.

As in the brother of Matilda, I suppose, as Regulus Black is never mentioned.

Quote :
She got abused more then Harry.

Oh, PFFFFFFT. Of COURSE. That's a GIVEN. Poor Sue can't have anyone who's been through more than her, huh?

Quote :
Once she starts Hogwarts, she discovers that

Harry, Hermione, Draco, Neville and Luna, along with her, were

Elementals.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that this whole summary is enclosed in the first chapter (a good sign of a badfic are the words "summary inside"), and that it's centered and weirdly indented. The story itself is paragraphed normally, so why write the summary so strangely?

Quote :
Harry: Lightning; Josephine: Water;

Hermione: Air; Draco: Fire;

Neville: Earth;

Luna: Spirit.

Suethor, your official summary shouldn't look like the notes you took while planning the fic. Especially if your notes are very badly formatted.

Quote :
Now she has to gain trust with them, prove her dad innocent and show Harry how manupilative

Dumbledore, Ron, Ginny, Molly and Charlie were.

Wow, the summary includes a list of "good" guys and "bad" guys. I can hear the cogs turning in Suethor's head:

SUE, HARRY, HERMIONE, NEVILLE, LUNA = HAWT. HAWT= GOOD. GOOOOOOOOOOD GUYS.

DUMBLEDORE = OLD. OLD = BAD.

RON, GINNY, MOLLY = GINGERS. GINGERS = BAD.

CHARLIE = WHO THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT? UHHHHH, BAD.

Quote :
But, Time's running out. And Josephine is broken.

Who will help her pick up the pieces?

Nobody, her warranty is up. It's cheaper to just get a new Sue.

Quote :
A certin boy with the same problems as her?

But wait, there are three boys that fit the description.

No there aren't, her problems are all WAYYYYYY WORSE.

Quote :
So who is it?

Read on to find out!

Okay, I'll read, but just to laugh at you.

Quote :
~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S your dividing line? I know it's your Sue's initials, and I do admire that she only has two of them (can you imagine the divider being EDDRW?), but now every time I see it, I'll imagine your Sue running naked across the screen going all "JUBBA JUBBA JUBBA JUBBA!"

Quote :
" You Bitch!," he screamed in my face, spit flying everywhere. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and slammed my face against the wall. I could feel hot liquid rolling down my face.

"Don't push me against this wall, Uncle! The dog just peed on it!"

Quote :
" how could you get 99%?! Haven't I told you that you need to have 100% in every subject? you better not influence Mikayla," he said threateningly.

Oh noooooooooes! This is SOOOOOO much worse than the Dursleys! I better pull out my sorries and give them all to the Sue!

Quote :
Yeah, Mikayla, queen snob. Can get F's and dad doesn't even touch a finger on her hair. While me, let's just say that I have been to the Hospital way too many times to be healthy.

And naturally, no one's caught on. And that's had absolutely no effect on you except to make you snark on everyone.

Quote :
I heard a crack and suddenly my head felt like it was on fire.

Who knew dog piss was so flammable?

Quote :
I could see Mikalya, sitting on the chair and sucking a lollipop like what she was watching was a movie. I felt a wave of fury burst inside of me. I felt the window break open and darkness overcame my mind.

Did you jump out the window? Welp, that'll show them!

Quote :
************************************************************************************************************************************************

Aww, where are the JB's? I was looking forward to seeing Sue jump out a window screaming "JUBBA JUBBA JUBBA!"

Quote :
The next day I woke up in my room/closet.

Le gasp! Her room is a closet? How original, especially in the Potterverse!

Quote :
I found out that my left wrist was sprained and I had a fracture on my skull.

How did you find out? Are you a doctor? Did you do a convenient spell? What?

Quote :
I had deep gashes on my arms and legs. That wasn't too bad. I've had worse.

And again, that's had absolutely no effect on your psyche except to make you... hell, you don't even have any personality traits to speak of! Except maybe whininess.

Quote :
I let my thoughts wander. I wasn't even good enough to have a room that was bigger then 3 yards by 3 yards.

Because the way you condemn your cousin (I think? Uncle talks like she's his daughter...) for being a "queen snob" and going into a fury about her sucking on a lollipop totally makes you sound like you suffer from low self-esteem.

Also, 9 feet by 9 feet is one big closet. Are you sure that's not just a small bedroom?

Quote :
But, that was my life since the day my mom died. She died giving birth to me.

No mention of how it happened, seeing as this is supposed to be modern-day, and wizards are supposed to have brilliant healthcare.

Quote :
I think that that day was my worst and happiest days of my life.

Happiest because you were born, I guess? You don't sound very happy about being alive, and I doubt anyone else was very happy about it.

Quote :
My life consisted of waking up in the morning, dragging myself to get a small piece of toast. Then, it was chore time. Chore time usually lasted till 7pm. After that, I had an hour to do what I wanted. Then, I came home and ate dinner. I didn't have lunch. After dinner, I did my homework and read. And if i had school that day, then most likely a beating came after dinner.

And you sound so beat up about it. How have you adapted to the beatings? You don't sound like you believe you deserve it, yet you've made no effort to get help, despite being free to roam for an hour a day.

Quote :
Then he day started over again.

Groundhog Day, huh?

Quote :
I slowly trekked towards the bathroom. There was a mirror right in the middle. I saw a scrawny girl with too pale skin and too big eyes.

Oh, yes, now the Sue can go on and on about how OMG SO UGLAI she is (because big eyes and pale skin are major turn offs, as you know), only for her self-esteem to immediately take a leap when her twu wub falls for her.

Quote :
They were electric blue, my eyes i mean. They were like the vast sky, but bright. Sometimes, I could swear that there was waves in my eyes. But, I knew that was impossible. My eyes were one of the best features I had. The other was my hair. It was like a river, flowing down my back in waves and ending with curls. The hair was so deep black that it looked like purple. My lips were okay and were the color of a wilting blood red rose.

Yes, you truly are a hideous freak who will never know love. That's what I can gather from this paragraph-long infodump of you waxing on about how lovely you are, which is totally outweighed by your insistence that you are "too pale" (then go out in the sun, hippy!) and "too big-eyed" (but your eyes are your "best feature", shouldn't you want them to be big?).

Quote :
That was me. A short, scrawny kid with too big eyes and too long hair. A girl that looked abnormal.

Oh, and you're short and scrawny. Is there anyone who's actually turned off by shortness? And no doubt that Sue will be "slender with curves in all the right places" the moment a desirable male comes along.

Quote :
~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB~JB

YEEEEEEESSSS.

Quote :
I once had a teacher. His name was Mr. Lupin.

Oh, yes. Well, let's just be glad she won't be romantically involved with him.

Quote :
He taught Mathematics and Launguage Arts.

He clearly didn't teach you very well.

Quote :
But, then he had to move away. He was the kindest of all the teachers. He had dark brown hair starting at his roots and blond near the end. He had these peculiar amber eyes.

Amber isn't very peculiar.

Quote :
A little like mine.

Amber and electric blue = very similar.

Quote :
Sometimes, it was like there was a fire in his eyes. Mr. Lupin gave me these looks that made me think that he knew more about me then I think. He was my closest adult-figure.

Which is why we get no flashbacks of him and no further definition of your relationship. Because you were very close.

Quote :
That was how life continued for me.

How? You didn't mention your life at all in the last sentence.

Quote :
Until, one day when this man with shaggy, black hair that fell over his grey eyes.

That sentence lacks a verb.

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His eyes where like Mr. Lupin's and mine. Instead of fire or water, his eyes held thunder.

His eyes held noise? Or did you mean lightning?

Quote :
He was a tall man, but had a Haunted look to him. Like he's seen something no man should. But I knew right away that this man was my father. My real father.

When did he show up? You said "one day". Is this in the past, or on the day we were just following you on? When the hell are we?

Quote :
*************************************************************************************************************************************************

And no JUBBAs to cheer me up. I expected more from you, Suethor.

This is the first chapter out of three, though the other two are longer than this. It was last updated in 2008, so we can safely assume that this thing will never be finished, which is a shame, because this kind of feels like a fun break after sporking Feisty Sentiment.
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PostSubject: Re: The Story of the Abused Slytherin   Mon Dec 24, 2012 6:25 pm

Oh boy, yet another Ron and Ginny bashing fic. What exactly do the Weasleys do to deserve such maltreatment? Aside from a few moments of jealousy, Ron has been a loyal friend through and through as has Ginny. I have half a mind to tie fanbrats down and reread the part in Sorcerer's Stone where Ron gets clobbered by a chess piece until it sinks in.

Oh and if she had a fractured skull, I sincerely doubt she'd be concious.


Last edited by Mouse on Mon Dec 24, 2012 6:26 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Had More to Say)
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PostSubject: Re: The Story of the Abused Slytherin   Mon Dec 24, 2012 10:12 pm

Quote :
But, Time's running out. And Josephine is broken.

Who will help her pick up the pieces?


Nobody, her warranty is up. It's cheaper to just get a new Sue.

Noooo! It took the author all of 15 minutes worth of hard work to create her! (I'm being generous here).

Also, I'm with Mouse: Whyy does everyone hate the Weasleys so much? I know the British had a long-standing superstition about ted heads being in league with Satan or something, but honestly! We're well into the 21st century now.

(Actually, my maternal grandmother hated red-heads as well, and her family came from Denmark). Maybe it's a European thing?)
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PostSubject: Re: The Story of the Abused Slytherin   Tue Dec 25, 2012 6:12 pm

I bet five bits Ron is sexist in this.
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PostSubject: Re: The Story of the Abused Slytherin   Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:41 pm

Merry Boxing Day, everyone! Let's jump right in:

Quote :
Author 's Notes: Who should i put Josephine with?

Wow, the author just jumped in with no intent, even shipping? That's usually the only thing Suethors think of when they get to writing.

Quote :
2 years later...

What? Two years after the "one day" that Sue met Sirius? Two years after the day we were just following her on? Why follow her on an everyday routine if we were just going to skip forward?

Quote :
" Humph!," came a voice.

This Suethor puts a space between the opening of a quote and the first letter. Where would she get the idea for that? When I do that in MS Word, it gets the dreaded squiggly green line. Does Suethor not know what that means?

Quote :
the voice belonged to a fairly tall girl with a very pale complexion and with black hair and bright blue eyes. that girl was me, Josephine, known as Jojo or just plain Jo.

That whole sentence was useless! You already told us what you look like last chapter, and if you're trying to write in first person, then do it consistently! You could have just said "'Humph!' I said." Or, oh sorry, "' Humph!,' I said."

Quote :
currently I was heaving a large trunk onto the trolley.

" Need a hand?" asked a boy to my right. He looked a few years older then me with bright red hair.

Oh, no, Weasleys! Quick, get offscreen before you do something evilly OOC!

Quote :
" Cause we got four," said a boy identical to the boy on my right.

Oh, never mind. As many Suethors as hate the Weasleys, none of them seem to hate the twins.

Quote :
" Um, sure," I said. Once the twins placed the trunk onto the trolley, they introduced themselves.

" Names Fred Weasley"

" Mine's George Weasley"

" And we're twins!," the yelled together.

Oh god no.

Quote :
" Um, I noticed,"

Don't you DARE talk down to the fucking twins, you condescending bitch.

Quote :
the boys were a good few inches taller then me. Both had long red hair and pale blue eyes. " Um, do you happen to know where platform 9 3/4 is?" I asked.

" I see you 'um' a lot," said one of the twins. I couldn't tell them apart.

The "I couldn't tell them apart" could have been a reasonably funny gag, had she shown us instead of telling us. Of course, you couldn't possibly allow your Sue to look stupid in front of us, huh?

Quote :
" Um, alright," I said quizzically. They were really getting on my nerves.

They didn't do a goddamn thing to you, dumbfuck. All they did was offer to help you, do so, and then casually mention that you say "um" a lot.

Quote :
" Um, so do you where platform 9 3/4 is?" i said impatiently.

" Yes we do know," the other twin said.

" So, where is it?" I raised my voice a few notches up. George, at least i think it's him, looked at me with wonder.

NOPE NOPE NOPE THEY ARE NOT IN WONDER OF YOU

Quote :
" You have finally not said 'um'!" he said.

" Alright you two. Do you KNOW WHERE PLATFORM 9 3/4 IS?!" I yelled.

Omigosh, she has a temper! Totally not a Mary Sue, she has a flaw! Even though everyone will totally wub her in spite of it, and she'll never work to overcome it, a short temper is a MAJOR FLAW!

Quote :
" You don't need to scream so loud. We can hear you fine," they said while rubbing their ears." Run through the wall between Platform 9 and 10"

" Thanks" I said. I picked up the rest of my belongings and headed out to platform 9 and 10.

Wait, someone just told you to run through a wall, and you're gonna do it? Harry did it because he'd seen people doing it before, and he knew the lady who told him to was trustworthy, this bitch is just gonna run into a wall because two people she doesn't like are telling her to do so after she yells at them?

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" Wait, I didn't catch your name," One of them asked. I turned around.

" Names Black, Josephine Black," I called out.

OOH, what a CLEVER shout-out!

Quote :
I then turned and ran between platform 9 and 10. I didn't see the gobsmacked faces the twins had.

Why?! What has she done to impress anybody?!

Oh, I think I know. It's the name "Black," isn't it? Look, Black isn't an uncommon last name, and the House of Black isn't that much of a big deal.

Also, is this in first person or not? If she didn't see it, it shouldn't be noted in her narration.

Quote :
I stood there, staring at the bright red train. I shook my head to clear my thoughts

Pffft, what thoughts?

Quote :
and climbed aboard. I started searching for a compartment when I saw one with only one boy in. He had wild untameable black hair. I couldn't see his eyes though. I went with the traditional ' everywhere else is full.

Wait, you told him everywhere else was full when it wasn't? You lied just to get him to let you sit with him? You BITCH.

Quote :
" Um, can I sit... here," I whispered my last word. Once I started talking, the boy looked at me. He had emerald green eyes. Eyes you could get lost in. I just stared until I felt someone brush past me to get into the compartment.

" Um, sure. You can sit here," he said. I sat down on the edge of my seat as he took my trunk to put it on top of the railing.

Look, Harry's not rude, but he's not such a gentleman that he'd automatically put away your trunk for you. He might pitch in if he saw you struggling to lift it, but we can't have the Sue looking incompetent, can we?

Quote :
The person that just brushed past me was a girl with brown bushy hair.

" My name is Hermione Granger. And you are?" she asked.

" Josephine. Just call me Jo. Or Jojo. Any is fine. But please don't call me Phiny," I said as shook Hermione's hand.

Look, you point out a single nickname that you hate, and you're begging to be teased with it. Just say you like the names "Jo" and "Jojo".

Quote :
" I'm Harry Potter," the boy came back in.

" THE Harry Potter?" I asked.

A Sue, impressed to meet the savior of the wizarding world? Don't hold on to it, guys.

Quote :
" Yeah, Boy-Who-Lived," he grumbled.

" Oh, really? 'Cause I was going to say Sirius' Godson," I replied.

" How do you know that Sirius is my Godfather?" He asked as he took a seat.

" Well, he's my father," I said nonchalantly.

Did you guys SEE that? She took a huge conversation starter, and made it all about HER. "Oh, you saved the world? Well, I'm related to someone you know. Let's spend the next while talking about THAT."

That's like meeting a brilliant actor and going: "Oh, you're nominated for an Oscar this year? Well, I was in Drama Club in high school. Would you like to hear about all two plays I've been in?"

Quote :
" FATHER!," he yelled.

"You must be the fifth Sue to say that this term, and we aren't even at school yet! Who knew Sirius had so many daughters, or that all of them would come from such tragic backgrounds?"

Quote :
" No need to be so loud," Hermione said. " But, it is interesting. I never knew that Sirius had a daughter.

Yeah, you'd think that a kid of his would get some publicity after he got arrested, but nope.

Quote :
But you don't look like a first year," she asked.

Of course she's not a first year. If she were, she wouldn't be able to have hot smex with the leading males.

Quote :
" Well, I'm not. I 'm going to be in fourth year," I said. Just then a red headed boy that looked like Fred and George came in, and so did Fred and George.

" You again!" I said exasperatedly.

SHUT UP! They haven't done anything the slightest bit rude to you, except for the "um" comment. In fact, they helped you with your trunk and pointed you in the direction of the platform! Of course, knowing that the Suethor is going to bash Molly for doing the exact same for Harry in Year One, I suppose doing that is a sign of twu ebulz.

Quote :
" Phiny!" they yelled as the rushed to give me a big bear hug.

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Quote :
" Guys, I've known you for about five minutes and you come crashing in to give me a hug.

"It's almost as if a Suethor had mangled your entire characterization!"

Quote :
And you called me Phiny!," I exclaimed.

Okay, it IS rude to call someone by a nickname when they haven't given you express permission, but you didn't give them the talk about how you don't like to be called Phiny, so there's no reason to yell.

Quote :
I jumped up from my seat and took my wand out.

Yeah, go ahead and try a spell on them. You'll only get into trouble for using magic outside of school.

Quote :
" Um, calm down. Good girl-" Fred stuttered.

" Good cat?" George said. Both of them started to back away.

Fred and George would NOT be intimidated by some dumb bitch pointing a wand at them! They know all of their spells, they've got their own wands, and they're not afraid to get in trouble!

Quote :
" Oh, that does it! Mucas- Oumph!"

Were you about to shoot mucus at them? I hope you were holding your wand backwards.

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I got knocked down by the other red headed boy.

Oh, great. Physically violent Ron.

Quote :
" What do you think you're doing to my brothers?!" he said, towering over me .

"Look at them! You've warped them beyond recognition!"

Quote :
" Slytherin scum," he added once he took a look at the colors I was wearing

Oh, yeah. Look, Ron was prejudiced against Slytherins, I'll give you that, but he was never so open about it! Also, why did he tackle her? He has his own wand, and he's not that scared of getting into trouble either!

Quote :
" Just because a person likes to wear green and silver doesn't mean that they are in Slytherin! You know what? I'm out of here. I can't stand the stink of a prejudiced person.

Did it ever occur to you that he was just grasping at straws for an insult, and came up with your Slytherin-ness as your only outstanding feature? He has every right to be a jerk to you, you were just attacking his brothers for so much as saying hello!

Quote :
ByeHarry, Hermione. See ya Fred and George. I'll see you guys at Hogwarts, okay?" I didn't wait for a response. I walked away with my head held up high. I carried around me an air of dignity, of a leader.

Oh, SHUT UP ABOUT YOURSELF. And again, if this is in first person, she shouldn't be able to tell what kind of air she carries herself with, that's for OTHERS to notice.

Quote :
But if anyone could see the pain in the inside, they would be scared for life.

Oh, yeah, because no one else knows anything of an abusive childhood. No one else could POSSIBLY handle the demons YOU face every day.

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" The train is leaving in five minutes. Please take a seat," I walked down the rows of compartments. I came along one with a boy with platinum colored hair and fiery grey eyes.

Oh, HE'LL treat you kindly.

Quote :
The boy looked at me and nodded. I placed my trunk on the railing once again, and sat on the bench. " So, what's your name?" I asked a little disturbed by the thick silence.

Wait, Draco is sitting all alone? Where are his cronies? He doesn't go anywhere without his cronies!

Quote :
" Draco Malfoy," he said and looked back at the book he was reading.

" Well, my name is Josephine Black. You could call me Jo or Jojo. Just not Phiny. Did you know that one of the Weasleys, the youngest one, threw me out of the compartment because I was about to hex Fred and George for calling me Phiny?"

OH NOOOOES! You've been SO mistreated! And even if you had been, good luck getting sympathy from Draco--

Quote :
Draco started. In a dignified way. Who knew that you could snort in a dignified way? Well now I know.

Suethor's attempts at likeable-ness are only surpassed in horrendous-ness by her attempts at humor.

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The train jerked and started to move. I took the book Animagus and Me by the Mauraders and started to read.

Uhhhhhhhh...

Quote :
Animagus and Me was written by my dad and his two best friends before Uncle James was killed.

TWO best friends? There are four Marauders...

Quote :
Uncle James and Remus with my dad researched more on animagus after Uncle James and dad were animagus.

And they published their works? They couldn't publish their work without hinting that they were unregistered animagi, which is a serious offense.

And WHERE IS PETER PETTIGREW? I'm SICK of people acting like his actions later in life completely invalidate his existence! Just because he betrayed them later doesn't mean he was never friends with the Potters in the first place! If he hadn't been a dependable friend up until then, why would he have been allowed to become their Secret-Keeper?

Quote :
That's confusing.

How? You just explained it just fine!

Quote :
Well, now dad and Uncle Remus are teaching me the theory of being an Animagus.

So, you're saying that you are in direct contact with Sirius. How? We'll later find out that this is Year Four, so Sirius should still be running from the law and in hiding! Is he writing you under the pseudonym of "Snuffles"? What lengths are you going to to keep him hidden?

Quote :
I won't start the practical till Christmas. It's unfair isn't it?

What the HELL?! Sue, you're becoming an Animagus? What thought have you put into this? Is there any practical purpose behind this, or are you just doing it because "hurr hurr, animals are kewl"? Suethor, are you going to put any effort into this plotpoint, or is it just another thing you're doing to make Sue look more "OMGSPESHUL"?

Quote :
About an hour passed when there came a knock on the door. It opened to reveal Hermione and Harry with a girl with blond hair and dreamy blue eyes and a boy with brown hair and earthy brown eyes.

" There you are, Jojo. I've, well we've, been looking for you everywhere,"

Hermione has been searching for Sue for an HOUR? WHY? What has Sue done that would warm ANYONE up to her?

Quote :
She looked over to see the other occupant.

" Malfoy, is it okay if we could sit here?" Harry asked.

Oh, yeah, Harry and co. would gladly ditch Ron to sit with Sue and Draco.

Quote :
" Sure, whatever. Just don't annoy me," he replied.

Where are Crabbe and Goyle? Blaise Zabini? Theodore Nott? Pansy Parkinson? Draco, take off those leather pants and go sit with them!

Quote :
Harry took a seat opposite to me and Hermione took a seat next to me. The girl and the boy took a seat with Harry.

" I'm Neville Longbottom and this here is Luna Lovegood," Neville introduced.

Also, why is Luna hanging out with the main three? They weren't even acquainted until Year Five.

Quote :
" I'm Josephine Black. Call me Jojo or Jo," I said shaking his hand. Neville and Harry started a chess match. I could see Draco watching from the corner of his eyes. Luna, Hermione and I started talking about girl stuff.

BONDING!

Quote :
" So Jojo, my parents want me to get a haircut but none of the are me, you know? So what should I do?" Hermione asked. I opened my mouth to give a reply, but everyone was surprised when Draco replied.

" You should get side bangs on the left side. Maybe layers. The bangs should start small and end long. With layer you can do about anything to your hair, but you should buy some conditioner or lay low. This volume would be there but it won't get that frizzy or dry," he was met with silence. " What? do I have something on my face," he asked.

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Quote :
Hermione shook her head.

" No, it's just where have you learned these things. You don't look like a person to know hair tips," Hermione said.

" Well, being rich has its quirks," he said.

What, all rich people are experts on hair? I need to tell my aunt she's being rich wrong, because she's clueless about the stuff.

Quote :
" Why aren't you insulting us?" asked Neville.

" I don't know" he said and went back to reading his book.

WHAT.

That is the BIGGEST FREAKIN' COP-OUT of all TIME. Draco is OOC? Oh, it's okay, he just DOESN'T KNOW WHY HE'S DOING SHIT. Look, Suethor, just be like everyone else: when a character is OOC, completely forget their canon characterization and pretend they've just always been that way. It's still better than THAT.

Snip them getting to Hogwarts, taking too long changing their robes, and missing the carriages that are supposed to take them to the castle (shouldn't Sue be getting on the boats with the first years? That's how they get to the Sorting.). Also, it's raining.

Quote :
" You know, I'm too tired to walk. Somebody pick me up or I'm gonna sit here and wait for the rain to stop," I concluded.

Wow, what a pleasant character. "WAAAH, I DUN WANNA WALK, SOMEONE CARRY ME, I CAN'T EVEN ATTEMPT TO OVERCOME CHALLENGES ON MY OWN!!!"

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" Yeah, you boys are so mighty and noble-" insert a snort here and a 'yeah right' "- will you carry us dainty ladies?" asked Hermione.

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That is not how you Hermione.

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I was really starting to like Hermione and her devious plans.

A "devious plan" would imply effort and cleverness put into making something work, not a demand to be carried like a freakin' poodle.

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The boys mumbled and grumbled but us ladies got piggy-back rides to the gates of Hogwarts. Harry carried me, Draco carried Hermione and Neville carried Luna.

Ooooooh, SUBTLE FORESHADOWING! I wonder what Suethor's ships are?

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Once we got to the gate, Harry and Draco just plopped me and Hermione down to the slushy, muddy, worm-infested ground.

" Why can't you guys be as kind as Neville-" Neville carefully put Luna on the ground

Hey, they didn't have to carry you at all! You are not entitled to be carried around by virtue of the fact that you possess vaginas! Contrary to popular belief, women are not constructed out of feathers and fairydust, we are FRIGGIN' HEAVY. It's HARD to carry someone the who-knows-how-far to a castle in the middle of the rain! They may well have only dropped you on accident!

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"- bloody hell, you and Draco can be twins if one of you guys dye your hair the same colors," I said to Harry.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy

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He just gave me wounded face and punched my shoulder lightly. I punched him back. Soon it became a cat fight. I couldn't take it anymore and fell down laughing.

WHIIIIIIIIMSY.

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" Josephine, you have case of imacronge," said Luna.

" Imacro what?" I asked.

" Imacronge. You get it when you laugh hysterically," she said.

Thaaaaaaaat came right the fuck out of nowhere. Wow, you sure put a lot of effort into keeping Luna in character.

Snip them going inside, getting to the Great Hall, and slipping on their wet shoes, toppling each other over.

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The Great Hall was silent for a few minutes.

Have you ever been in a school cafeteria? Those things are NEVER silent, especially not for over a minute.

Quote :
Then whispers flew about, mainly concerning the new girl, me, and what was Draco doing with his arch nemesis and friends. My group scrambled to untangle themselves from the human knot. Professor Dumbledore stood up.

" What are you children doing?" he asked. My friends mumbled something. " Mr. Potter, Mr. Longbottom, , , and..." He trailed of looking at me.

" Josephine Black," I answered his unasked question. I could feel the gossip mill flowing from one person to another.

" And Ms. Black, please report to my office after the feast," he said.

Yes, Sue is SOOOO important that Dumbledore himself must get involved in EVERYTHING she does.

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Harry, Hermione and Neville went to the Gryffindor table. Luna floated to the Ravenclaw table

That's some talent she has there.

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and Draco strutted over to the Slytherin table. " , this is your first year at Hogwarts. So you must be sorted," Dumbledore ushered me to the Sorting Hat. I climbed on to the stool and placed the Sorting Hat over my head.

This'll be a treat.

Quote :
What do we have here? The White Sheep of the Blacks Family's daughter?

Yes, sir. Sirius Black is my father.

You, young lady are the first of many students to call me sir.

Because, as we've seen from her before, Sue has GREAT respect for authority. WAYYY more than EVERY OTHER STUDENT EVER TO ATTEND HOGWARTS SINCE ITS INCEPTION.

Quote :
You're welcome?

You are quite the polite one. But I see a prankster side of you. You are very brave and courageous. But you also have a thirst to know everything you can. I also see hardworking and kindness. Last but not least, I feel the ambition and cunning. I see all four traits for the houses. Is there any particular house you don't want to be in?

Well, sir, I don't think I will do a lot if I were in Hufflepuff. No offense to them

Wow, so much for "I can't stand the stink of a prejudiced person."

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Yes, yes. I think the choice is between Gryffindor and Slytherin.

Ravenclaw: it no longer exists.

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Oh, what is that I see? A broken heart? Abuse? I think I know the exact house to place you.

Sparklypoo, with all the other abused!Sues!

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You are going to be in...SLYTHERIN!

And what's THAT supposed to mean?! Just because she was abused, her chances at Gryffindor are gone? That's the moral of the story, kids: your classification in life is determined by what people do to you, not by the choices you make or how you react to the hardships you've faced. If you were abused, well, forget about being brave or loyal or clever; you're Slytherin for life!

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The Hat said the last word out loud. It was silent for a while. Then, Draco started to clap. So did Harry, Hermione and Neville. Same with Luna. After a few seconds everyone clapped.

" Ms. Black will be a fourth year Slytherin,"

Shouldn't they be giving her some tests before determining that? There was no mention of her magical aptitude; I doubt her uncle bothered to homeschool her, so wouldn't it be more appropriate to put her in first year classes?

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I placed the Sorting Hat down and walked over to Draco and sat down next to him." I have a few announcements to make. This year will have no quidditch matches. This year we will have the Tri-Wizard Tournament. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor will be Alastor Moody. Now I only have to say Twit Swift bubblegum," Dubledore announced.

Well, I'll at least thank the Suethor for not copy-pasting the scene right out of the book (yes, there are Suethors who do that), but could you at least have given us some imagery? Maybe some student reactions to these announcements?

Quote :
Food dishes appeared. I took a little of everything. The other Slytherins gave me and Draco a wide berth.

Why are you trying to make Draco look like some sort of social outcast? He has loads of friends, none of which would take kindly to Sue.

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Soon, we were talking about the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

" I wonder when Beauxbatons and Durmstrang will arrive?" Draco asked me.

" Beauxbatons!" I yelled.

" Yeah, why?" he asked.

" Well, my worst enemy is there. Fluer Delacour.

"She's always so rude to me, just because I can't spell her name! It's not MY fault, you know. French is WEIRD."

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She thinks that she's all that with having some Veela blood in her. She treats me like dirt because I have black hair! Black hair!" I screamed.

Ah, yes. Because we all know that Fleur is nothing but a shallow, selfish twit. That's why she gladly married a man with no wealth or power to his name, who had been wounded and permanently disfigured in battle and could quite possible become a werewolf, which would leave them both as lifelong outcasts. Yup, her vanity is her sole motivation.

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" Calm down. You were at Beauxbatons?" he questioned.

" Yeah, my first three years. And now I'm here," I said.

WHAT WHAT WHAT

Okay, so Uncle Evil allowed you to go to Beauxbatons, a school in a whole different country, but not to Hogwarts? What prompted the transfer?

Okay, I think I've figured out a timeline for this thing:

Sue is born, killing her mother. Her father, Sirius, takes care of her until the Potters die and he is sent to Azkaban. Sue is sent to live with her evil uncle and is abused. At some point during her time with him, Sue meets Lupin, who is inexplicably working as a teacher at a Muggle school, but doesn't know his true identity. Time passes, Sue goes to Beauxbatons for three years, then Sirius returns and takes her away from her abusive uncle. Now, according to his wishes, Sue is going to Hogwarts.

Of course, the part about Sirius taking Sue in after PoA makes no sense; after PoA and during GoF, Sirius was still a runaway. Peter Pettigrew had not been caught, so his name hadn't been cleared. He would not be able to take in a daughter, and her home with her uncle would probably be one of the first places the Aurors would check to make sure he wasn't there.

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" Will the prefects lead the way to the common rooms?" Dumbledore asked. Me and Draco headed to the Headmaster's Office. We met up with Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Luna. Dumbledore lead us up to his office.

Dumbledore only told Sue to come to his office, not everybody!

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" Now, I would like to ask where were you when the carriages left?" He asked " We were walking too slow and the carriages left. We walked all the way to here," Neville answered.

"That is, those of us with Y-chromosomes walked; we had to carry the girls because they were too female to walk on their own."

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" Well, see that it doesn't happen again. Harry can you stay here for a bit?" All of us except Harry went down the staircase. We parted ways. Me and Draco headed down into the dungeons. We came to a sculpture of a snake.

" Pureblood," Draco said. Both of us headed to our separate dorms.

"Pureblood" is the password? How does Draco know it? It changes at least every year, and Draco's not a prefect.

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I walked along the corridor until I saw a sheet of paper with my name. I went into the dorm and looked for the empty bed. I found one next to the window. I flopped down onto the bed.

Now, let the nightmares begin, I thought.

"Plot? Properly behaving canon characters? Character development? OH DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STAAAHP."

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JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-JB-

That's the sound of the Sue's snoring.

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The Story of the Abused Slytherin
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