Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:15 pm

Hellooo, first time posting and first time snarking~

So, about two months ago late at night reading some fanfics, I wandered into FF.net's Yu-Gi-Oh!/Harry Potter crossover archive, hoping to find card games with magic. That being said YGO and HP crossovers like to focus much more-so on the magic elements of it all then card games, so my search was in vain. Then, however, I saw this gem of a description.

Quote :
What happens when Ishizu is raped at age fifteen and her daughter kidnapped and given to the Potters while disguised as a boy they named Harry James Potter? Read and find out. Rated T for suggestive content a few curses and paranoia. Bad!Dumbles Nice!Yamis Pharaoh!Bashing Not completely Insane! Marik and Malik or Bakura Nice!Petunia FEM!Harry

Why?

Eventually, bile, bile fascination stepped in and I found myself reading this just to see how bad (and hopefully hilariously bad) it would be. Having over 100 reviews, over 190 faves, and (at the time) about 200 followers actually intrigued me and made me think maybe she just really, really sucked at summaries and titles and was actually a competent author. I read it, raged at the sixth chapter, tore it apart while trying my best to give some kind of encouragement as I could to this story after ripping it apart in two reviews, then left it be. Then I found this site.

Part of me would feel bad if I didn't show this, admittingly. So, enjoy~

Quote :
A tall Egyptian woman with black hair, dark brown eyes, and a nice tanned figure sighed as she stood up and got ready to open the museum in Domino City, one of seven of the Millennium items catching the light as she did so. This womans name was Ishizu and she was roughly twenty years old, give or take a few months, and was the keeper of the Millennium Necklace. Ishizu wiped the tears from her eyes as she looked at a single picture on her desk. The picture was of a fifteen year old Ishizu lying in a hospital bed exhausted and with a small pink bundle in her arms. The bundle was a beautiful baby girl with a small tuft of black hair and bright brown eyes and was obviously born recently. The girl was Ishizus daughter Hotaru Hikari, the by-product of being raped on the way home from the Egyptian tombs one night, and this was the only picture the Egyptian woman had of her now five year old child. Right after the baby was born and the picture was taken
the few hours old child had been kidnapped from her arms by a strange old man in weird clothes that had knocked her out with a curious red light emitting from a stick.

So right off the first paragraph, the author tells us everything about Ishizu anybody familiar with YGO canon already knows, throws in a mysterious rapist who is obviously Dumbledore and somehow gets hospital treatment for her birth even though when she was fifteen she lived underground. Beautiful. Also, note the non-Arabic name for the Egyptian girl born in a country where the language is Arabic. She doesn't even have a name from Egyptian mythology!

As expected from a story like this, Harry Hotaru is going be a huge Sue. Not just any sue though, trust me- she is a Mary Sue to reign over Mary Sues.

Quote :
"Whose fifth birthday is today?" Malik asks curiously and making Ishizu jump…as much as she could jump anyways. That basically meant that she tensed as if prepared to fight for her life or run for it as she spun around only to see her brother and his darkness grinning at her like twin lunatics.

"Marik! Malik! What have I told you two about sneaking up behind me like that?" Ishizu questioned relaxing when she saw her brothers (who she often referred to as twins whenever Marik was out in his own body) standing behind her and crossing her arms over her chest sternly.

Beautiful. Remind me to look like a lunatic next time I talk to my brother- apparently that's not creepy at all or anything like that. Or having a split personality that murdered your father in front of you. "Good Ra brother, stop being such an asshole."

So Marik learns for the first time he had a niece. Nevermind the plothole that Marik still lived with the Tombkeepers at this time, because as far as this story is concerned canon just doesn't exist.

Quote :
"Yes. Her name, the one I had given her before she was kidnapped by the old man, was Hotaru Hikari. Strange name I know but it just seemed to fit her for some reason. You didn't know because you weren't here at the time and I didn't really consent when she was conceived." Ishizu said sitting down in her chair and smiling down at the picture of her daughter, a few tear making their way to the corners of her eyes.

How modest. The author won't even try to pretend she isn't a Mary Sue (she actually admitted to it later on). Let's recap. She hasn't even appeared yet, and we know she's a five year old Egyptian raised in England with a Japanese birth name.

Why, God, why?

So, Malik talks about he'll kill whoever did this, but there's really no point to this conversation after this point. However, there is this little gem courtesy of Malik-

Quote :
"You were…raped? Who did it? I'll garrote them for ever coming anywhere near my big sister with ill intent!" Malik said glaring at nothing in particular as he snarled at the thought of something like that occurring to his older sister and the only mother like figure he ever had.

But now, this is when this story really takes a nose-dive in the shit meter.

With no warning, we now get to focus on Hotaru.

Quote :
Five year old Harry Potter, otherwise known as Hotaru Hikari or 'Freak', was laying in her cupboard under the stairs staring up at the ceiling and just thinking about whatever came to her mind. Oh yes, the small child knew that 'he' was really a she. What she didn't know was how or why. Just two weeks ago and she looked like a boy with maybe a little bit of girly appearance but now she really looked like a girl with no boyish appearance. The only one other than her to know was her 'Aunt' Petunia who adored the young girl when her 'Uncle' and 'Cousin' weren't around.

Bullshit on why Hotaru couldn't tell the difference starting with when we learn more on her intelligence. Also Petunia is only mean because... I don't know. She doesn't care how her family's gonna turn out if they act like assholes all the time?

Quote :
The tiny five year old Egyptian was many things but dumb was not one of them. She could read books that left high school students scratching their heads in confusion and often would sneak off to the library to read loads of different books. For some reason she hadn't known before now, the young girl had been extremely in anything relating to Egypt or its past. This included Duel Monsters and Monster World. Monster World appealed to her because it seemed like a fun adventure while Duel Monsters was because she could see the obvious resemblance between several different monsters and the pictures of monsters on ancient Egyptian tablets that had been uncovered.

...

You.

Are.

FIVE YEARS OLD.

YES. THIS is where this story goes from being bad to just obnoxious as all hell. This exact paragraph. In the UK, Reception/first year of school starts when you're 4-5. And I'm not British and I don't know about their schooling, but I just have this tensy little doubt you know how to read by the time you're five. HOW in the hell do you know how to read, let alone read books that leave highschoolers scratching their heads!? I don't mind prodigies very much: Rebecca Hawkins was 8/12 (depending on if you're going dubbed or not) and was in college and a Duel Monsters prodigy. At least she was at an age you know how to read already. Also, she learned how to play Duel Monsters on her own. No help. When she wasn't even five yet.

My brain, somebody help it ;.;

Quote :
She had at least four decks and another one in the making now. One deck was based purely on Egyptian cards, another was based on Darkness, one on light, and the fourth currently made was based on the Occult. She was currently making a deck that was Charmer themed as well since everyone assumed them to be weak and hardly ever used them. Boy, wouldn't that be a surprise? A small five year old girl having four decks with varying themes and another based on the type of cards many assumed to be too weak to use in a deck. The thought almost made the Egyptian girl smirk, especially when she considered how her 'relatives' would react to her having so many cards while their 'precious Dudders' barely kept enough cards for one full deck. Aunt Petunia would probably act furious when Vernon and Dudders were around but then laugh her head off and congratulate the young girl when they weren't.

1.) Fuck you. Give Bakura and Ishizu their decks back. If you want an OC with a Fiend deck find, but don't go around stealing canon character's decks. Can't say for sure on Ishizu, but an Egyptian-themed deck sounds an awful lot like Ishizu's Earth Fairy deck. But maybe I'm just being a bit too picky.
2.) "Boy, wouldn't that be a surprise?" I think anybody would be surprised if a five year old Mary Sue beat them with a horrible deck that requires ass-pulling to the extreme to write out in duels. Charmers... really aren't that good, I'm sorry.
3.) Four decks with varying themes that people think are too lose that can beat anybody. Not even gonna spork that, it's just so... arrogant. Considering this fanfic revolves around precious Hotaru though, she could probably win with the most horrible deck imaginable.
4.) It's apparently OK to make somebody's life hell and be part of the crowd as long as you're nice to them in private. Yeah, I wonder how nicely canon!Harry would have taken to that? "Harry, my nephew, I was only mean to you to keep up my appearances in the family but I really love you deep down." "Hey, that's nice. Think that means I'm gonna forgive you for treating me like shit all my life? I slept in a cupboard for Merlin's sake!"

Quote :
"We are going to Japan for a tournament that Dudley is going to enter." Vernon began once the girl he still saw as a boy, mainly thanks to the baggy old castoffs she was forced to wear hiding her now feminine body, stood in front of him with her stoic mask in place. The only time the mask was dropped was when she was alone or only around her Aunt Petunia.

"We were originally going to leave you with Mrs. Figgs or someone else but no one is available so you have to come with us. But I'll warn you now boy. One freakish thing happens and you won't live to see England again. Understand me?" Vernon threatened, his face turning a fascinating shade of purple when the young Egyptian merely nodded and showed no emotion at all. Hotaru mentally noted to see how it was possible for the large fatmans face to turn that shade of puce even as her heart gave a huge leap in her chest. Japan! The libraries there would be several times larger than the one here not to mention all the different museums and such dedicated to Egypt and its past!

What, are there no museums devoted to ancient history in England? And how can you read the books? They're all gonna be in Jap- oh, my bad everybody. I forgot, she's a Mary Sue. She can read Japanese. Nevermind.

Then we learn Hotaru has a pet snake. This is brought up for no reason since this snake is never mentioned again.

Another minor fact brought up that's unimportant is Hotaru's garden. Yeah, she's five, can read books that confuse highschoolers, knows Japanese, and has her own garden.

Likewise, Petunia is also aware of this. She shrugs it off because weird things happen around Hotaru often.



Petunia recommends to dress Hotaru as a girl and let everybody think she's a crossdresser because it'll make them look so much better for putting up with it. Whatev-

Quote :
"Hello? I'm here for an Egyptian dress for my niece." Petunia said walking into the dress shop where she saw the Egyptian piece, causing two of the helpers to fawn over the young girl immediately upon seeing her 'absolutely gorgeous and intriguing' eyes. Hotaru merely blinked at them for a moment before tilting her head to the side slightly.

"Why are they acting so strangely?" Hotaru asks gently tugging on her Aunts hand that was holding her much smaller one.

"It's because you're an absolute cutie, dear." Petunia said smiling down at her niece fondly before looking at the two workers.

Oh my God she's five and people are ALREADY swooning over her and having orgasms on how pretty she is. I wonder if she'll be anorexically skinny and have the 'ideal female form' when she grows up? This story's bad enough to make me think the crossover could happen.

Quote :
"Yes ma'am. I like Dueling and my cousin is going too but he didn't want a new outfit so Auntie Petunia decided to bring me to get a new dress just for the occasion. She said I could have an Egyptian dress since I like Egypt and the Egyptian based cards. Did you know that historian found an Egyptian tablet with a drawing of a man on it that looks like the Dark Magician? It's really cool!" Hotaru says for once acting like the little child she had yet gotten to be.

"Really? I didn't know that. Are all the Duel Monster cards based on Ancient Egyptian things?" The worker asks smiling as she listened to the girl excitedly ramble on about Egypt and the cards that were based on what people have found on Ancient Egyptian tablets and such.

"And there are three really rare cards based on three of Egypt's gods. There's the Winged Dragon of Ra, which is based off of the Egyptian God of the Sun, who happens to be called Ra, there's Obelisk the Tormentor, who is based off of the God of the Dead, Osiris, and Silfer the Sky Dragon, who is based off of both the God of Destruction, Sekhmet, and the God of Justice, Ma'at. Those three cards are some of the powerfullest ones out there and are nigh unbeatable unless they are taken out by a trap, spell, or another monsters special effect." Hotaru says near the end of her small tirade, leaving the two workers and her aunt staring at her in shock and surprise.

"My my. I've never met someone who knows so much about Egyptian gods or the cards that were based off of them." A man in a black coat holding an Ankh says as he steps into the shop in time to hear the ending of Hotarus small monologue.

"He-he. I really like Duel Monsters and anything related to Egypt so I read a lot of books at the library." Hotaru says making her aunt snort at this in amusement.

Ugh, so yeah. An entire section that's absolutely useless and exists only to show us how perfect and wise the five year old who shouldn't be able to read is.

I don't know if I'm nitpicking at this, but I really wonder if she did this to show she isn't perfect or something. She may be on the mark with whom the Gods are based off of, but in the YGO canon, they aren't based off of those gods. The God Cards were real gods who were worshiped by the ancient Egyptians, and they were called Obelisk, Osiris/Slifer, and Ra. That's canon. I honestly can't tell if this is some weird way of being humble by showing Hotaru doesn't know everything there is about everything, but part of me doesn't think it is No

Still though, it still stands- this scene is useless. It's unimportant. It only shows off how smart she is.

Quote :
"If the call I got from one of the librarians was anything to go by, you've read every book that even mentions something Egyptian or Duel Monster related and then at least half of the rest of the library." Petunia said smirking in amusement when a rare blush colored her nieces cheeks for the briefest of moments.

....

......

Half the library... just turned five... either just starting school or entering it... can go to the library on herself to read half the library... just... please, just stop it...

Oh, and that man? It's Shadi.

Quote :
"Well seeing as how you like Egypt and all things related to it so much why don't I give you a small gift from Egypt itself?" The man asks bending down to be on eye-level with the young girl who immediately looked at him excitedly and happily.

"Really? A gift from Egypt!" The young girl asks literally bouncing in place at the thought of getting an honest to god gift from someone other than Aunt Petunia, let alone a gift right from Egypt.

... No...

Quote :
"Yes. Two in fact. One is for your Duel Monsters deck and another is one that I think you would really like." The man, who would later turn out to be named Shadi, said smiling at the young girls' excitement while Petunia was looking at him warily and the workers were smiling at the generosity of the man.

"Here. This is a special necklace that I feel would fit you perfectly." Shadi said reaching into one of his robe pockets and pulling out a Millennium necklace that was, ironically, a smaller version of the one Ishizu wore all the way in Japan.

NO. NONONONONONO.

Quote :
"Really! Thank you Mister! This looks just like the Millennium Necklace that was carved into one of the tablets at the Museum!" Hotaru said happily and excitedly, forgetting all thoughts or feelings of caution or suspicion she may have had earlier as she flung her arms around the man's neck in a hug.

"That's because this is a smaller version of the real Millennium Necklace that is currently being worn by a woman in Japan who looks quite a bit like you now that I think about it. This necklace chose you as its wielder for some reason which means that you're destined for some great things in the future, little one. Besides, if you liked that gift then you're going to love this one but I want you to promise me that you'll put these into your deck and use them instead of selling them or letting them collect dust. Can you do that young Seer?" Shadi asks smiling slightly at the hug he got from the child that looked almost like a miniature Ishizu as he held out about five Duel Monster cards with their pictures facing the ground.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WHYYYYYY. WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?

There. Are. Seven. Items. Each took fifteen people to be murdered to be created. Few people are aware of the Items existence. It's not like the Gods. They aren't advertised. A LOT OF PEOPLE (mostly criminals, but still) WERE MURDERED TO MAKE THEM. EVEN 4KIDS DIDN'T HIDE IT. W-WHY IS THERE AN EIGHTH ITEM AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM!?

*deep breaths*

OK, It's... it's almost over, that's good, right? ... Wait, Hotaru is going to get new cards... o-oh no...

Quote :
"The Winged Dragon of Ra, Obelisk the Tormentor, Silfer the Sky Dragon, The Pharaohs' Name-Atem, Egyptian Desert, and The Creator of Light, Horakhti? You're giving me the five rarest and most powerful cards in existence?" Hotaru said looking at the man in wide eyed shock and awe.

.........................................................



Yes. The most powerful cards in existence that usually attempt to kill their wielders if they don't have a connection to the ancient past or an Item. A five year old just got them for free for impressing Shadi, the several thousand year old guardian of the Items with some trivia.

...

Well, that's chapter one, folks. Five more chapters of this.

Five.

More.

;;

That being said though, knew to sporking- if you don't mind me asking, how'd I do? Any tips?


Last edited by Shadow Sora94 on Sat Dec 15, 2012 8:28 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
John Marston



Join date : 2010-05-26

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Dec 14, 2012 6:26 pm

I'm no expert but you had it pretty spot on here in my opinion, awful story though in fact how the fuck can there even be a story/conflict if she already has the most powerful cards in existence. Still pretty good sporking for a first attempt
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Dec 14, 2012 7:53 pm

John Marston wrote:
I'm no expert but you had it pretty spot on here in my opinion, awful story though in fact how the fuck can there even be a story/conflict if she already has the most powerful cards in existence. Still pretty good sporking for a first attempt

First of all, thank you c:

Second, well, there surprisingly is one- as of chapter 5-6 it's finally started having imitating a plot. When it isn't, it's just really stupid and over the top Pharaoh bashing (and I mean seriously over the top). But from the direction it's going, I gotta say-

Maybe Hotaru going on a quest to be the greatest duelist who ever lived, beating the Pharaoh, and obtaining all three god cards and living happily ever after would have been less sueish.

This story is... one hell of an ordeal, I'll say that much.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sat Dec 15, 2012 11:07 am

And now, we delve into chapter 2, and it's even worse than chapter 1- The flight and meeting the Kaibas

... Oh boy.

Quote :
A/N I don't own and this also has a FEM!Seto Kaiba in it.

... OH NO.

Ok... so she puts the five most powerful cards ever in her Egyptian deck we'll probably never see in action (hopefully). So because her decks aren't overpowered enough, they go to buy some more cards. Charmers which suck ass most of the time to be exact. As a birthday preasent, the old pervert man who owns the shop gives it to her as a birthday present.

Quote :
"Let's go freak. It's time for us to get to the airport if we want to catch our flight. You'll be sitting in the second class area with the rest of you second class no-do-gooders while Dudley, Pet, and I will be sitting in the first class with the respectable people." Vernon said pompously and sounding as if he were condemning the young girl to some horrible fate while he, his wife, and son were being blessed by the gods. Hotaru merely looked at him with blank eyes, wondering if she really was supposed to care about where he sat and such other trivial things.

Not saying Vernon isn't a stuck-up asshole, but you're going too far, brah.

Now, we're dumped on the plane. God willing this'll just be a normal flight. This is the end of the chapter. Maybe Hotaru will wonder what her experience in Japan will be like and act like a normal five year old for once in her life and just be excited as she goes to a whole new count-

Quote :
"Excuse me." Hotaru said with a slight dip of her head to two Japanese boys and a single Japanese girl as she sat down in the seat between the boy with tri-colored star shaped hair that was wearing a strange pyramid shaped necklace that appeared to be made of pure gold and the small kid that looked to be about two or three years older than her, which would put him at around seven or eight years old.

Or Yugi was in England in for no reason an- wait a second.

Quote :
seven or eight years old.

Quote :
seven or eight years old.


.... Yugi is a highschooler. That is why he was in class with his highschool friends. Why is he so damn short? That's up for fanon. The hell, author, seriously?

So, Yugi is sleeping so Yami is in control. Because apparently he just takes over whenever Yugi sleeps instead of when he needs to interact with others. Remember that one episode when Yugi set him up on a date (kind of) with Tea against his permission? It's admittingly been a while since I really sat down and watched, but I don't think outside of Battle City Yami was in control the majority of the time. Anyways, Yami asks her if she's egyptian judging from her dress and the little skin he can see.

Quote :
"Hai. At least half Egyptian at any rate and you three are Japanese." Hotaru said, since it most certainly was not a question. She had only been around the Pharaoh for a minute and she already didn't like him, as was evident by her dark blue-brown eyes flashing silver-blue, then red, then back to dark blue-brown before anyone noticed.

Just in case you weren't sure if she was a sue or not yet.

Quote :
"Something wrong Mokuba?" Tsuki Kaiba whispers to her little brother in Japanese as Petunia walked towards the front class section of the plane.

"No big sister, the small Egyptian girl next to me just had a mischievous gleam in her eyes and I was wondering if I could help her pull whatever prank she's thinking of." Mokuba replies back in Japanese, his voice low enough that Yami couldn't hear him but Hotaru could, not like he thought she knew Japanese anyways.

WHOA
WHOA
WHAT THE HELL?

Uhhh... yeah. Well, everybody, meet Fem!Seto. Tsuki Kaiba. Apparently she doesn't own her own private jet and was for some reason in England along with Yugi. Mokuba tagged alogn too Apparently despite being the CEO of a large corporation, she can only afford second class also. Well... at least she's just not as rich, she isn't... too out of character...?

Quote :
"Of course you can. I can always do with help from a fellow prankster and it is considered very rude to talk about someone in a language they might not understand especially when you are sitting right next to said person." Hotaru whispered low enough for Mokuba to hear but Tsuki and Yami couldn't.

Canon!Seto: "Do you always listen in on other's conversations?"

Quote :
"You speak Japanese?" Mokuba asks looking at the girl next to him in shock and curiosity.

"As well as Egyptian, Latin, Greek, Romanian, Spanish, and English." Hotaru said casually, as if it were nothing special which to her it probably wasn't. This caused the three Japanese kids, or two teens and one kid to be more precise, to look at her in shock before starting up a conversation in Japanese with the young girl.

..................................................................................................

WHAT THE FUCK

NO. I did not make that up. No, this is seriously part of the story. Hotaru Ishtar/Fem!Harry Potter is FIVE YEARS OLD. She reads text that makes highschoolers confused, and speaks SEVEN LANGUAGES.

SEVEN LANGUANGES. Two of which are DEAD languages! Unless the author REALLY doesn't know they speak Arabic in Egypt. Ishizu, in order to do her job, HAS to have known Arabic- even if they didn't underground. Marik likely speaks Arabic. Odion likely speaks Arabic. I can't get over this- not only is she a five year old who knows seven languages, the language of her home country isn't even listed.



What the FUCK.

This isn't just bad- it's really bad! No joke, I think she's up there -if not higher- than Crystal Potter and almost as bad as Ebony Way! But you know what? For how horrible they're written, at least they're fun stories to read! There is no conflict. There is almost nothing except Crystal and what makes her so special.

Unsurprisingly, it is absolutely boring. No sexists to fight, no preps, nothing that can make you have a chuckle and still enjoy reading it.

You know what the worst part is? The story itself is aware of this, but the author just doesn't care. Read after she drops the bombshell- "Hotaru said casually, as if it were nothing special which to her it probably wasn't." Even if you were thirty, too fluently speak all those languages would be an incredible accomplishment. Hotaru has done it when she just had her fifth birthday. Set- Tsuki, Mokuba, and Yami are all aware this is totally abnormal. Do they question her how the fuck she managed to do something whose only good explanation would be... umm... she reincarnates every time you die and she has these memories built up from past lives or some BS like that?

Quote :
"Do you play Duel Monsters?" Mokuba asks wanting to know more about the young girl seated next to him.

"I want to question why you're so abnormally smart, but the laws of Suefiction prevent me from calling you out on this!" So she's about to talk about her decks, before (thank God)

Quote :
"Hey Freak! What are you doing sitting near the Kaiba siblings and the King of Games? They don't want some Freak like you around so beat it!" Dudley Dursley exclaimed, drawing all attention to him while Hotaru merely sighed and looked at him with bored silvery blue eyes.

Dursley is probably the only character that's actually in character throughout this whole ordeal. Although 'freak' is being abused just a bit too much, even for him.

Quote :
"Dudley, I have been sitting here having a civil, if not pleasant, conversation with all three of them and in that time they had not once told me to get lost or find somewhere else to sit, if they had then I would have honored their wish and found another empty seat somewhere on the plane by now. If I am still sitting here then that means that they are, at the very least, indifferent to me being near them so please go back to Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon before you convince everyone on the plane that you're an even bigger idiot than you've already shown to be." Hotaru said boredly and almost bluntly, leaving Dudley gaping at her rather unattractively.

Who the hell talks like that? Let alone five year olds? And I might be bringing that up a lot, but it's one really bad trait- if she was twenty she'd still be a Sue in the extremes, but a five year old? Come the fuck ON.

That being said, I'm sure canon Seto wouldn't be too impressed with Hotaru anyways. The fact for some reason he has to fly second class on a public plane close to his arch-enemy is bad enough. And why isn't Yugi and Kaiba being swarmed? Battle City apparently hasn't happened yet if this is what the tournament is for, but Yugi is still the King of Games- Hotaru should have to push through a line to get to her seat.

Quote :
"What'd you just say you Freak! I'm no idiot and even if I was then at least I'm not a cross dresser!" Dudley said yelling this last part while looking smug. This caused Hotarus eyebrow to twitch ever so slightly as she stared at Dudley as if he were the biggest idiot she had ever seen, which he probably is.

"I'm not a cross dresser if I'm wearing a dress you moronic blond pig!" Hotaru responded sharply, causing the Kaiba siblings eyebrows to shoot up since they hadn't seen the young girl like this in the last ten minutes they had been talking.

"Yes you are! You're a boy wearing a dress! Dad says that makes you a cross dresser which means you're an even bigger Freak than before." Dudley said triumphantly and he was about to continue if Hotaru hadn't had interrupted him with her eyebrow visibly twitching now.

Yeah, Dudley is the only character who acts like he should. Well, he was. Then he turned too stupid. Even for Dudley.

Quote :
"I'm a GIRL you blithering idiot! I've been living with you, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia for the last four years and you and Uncle Vernon still haven't noticed? I knew you both were stupid by this takes the cake!" Hotaru says glaring at Dudley darkly while the Kaiba siblings hid their snorts at the 'hit over the head with a metal bat' look Dudley was now sporting. Before anything else could be said, a flight attendant came and took Dudley back to his parents so that the plane could take off. Hotaru was muttering insults to the blond boy and his father in every language she knew as she glared at the porky boys back as he was led away.

1.) Again, who talks like this?
2.) Hit over the head with a metal bat? I can't even try picturing that. When I picture somebody hit in the head with a metal bad, I see them with a concussion and severely injured. Did Hotaru's word physically hurt Dudley or something? After what I've seen I wouldn't be surprised if that was another power of Hotaru or something.

So then they talk about how the hell can her cousin not know she was a girl. Mokuba points out it's pretty sucky.

Quote :
"Life's not fair." Hotaru deadpanned without a hint of emotion on her face or in her eyes, this caused warning sirens to blare in Tsukis head as the plane took off. Something wasn't right here, not at all.

Conflicted. On one hand, considering the abuse Seto (and probably Tsuki) had to go through under Gozaburo, I really do think Seto would always feel sympathy for the abused and not stand silent. Despite how much of a Sue Hotaru is, this is surprisingly somewhat in character. One of the original dreams for KaibaLand was that it would have free admittance for orphans. This is one of the very few promising signs for this story- if it's handled correctly.

Hotaru explains a bit more on the family situation, before Yami asks just where are her parents.

Quote :
"I don't know about my birth parents but my adoptive ones died when I was one. Way I see it, my birth parents either didn't want me and gave me up for adoption, are dead and I was put in an orphanage, or I was kidnapped and left on someone's doorstep. Don't know and don't really care." Hotaru said with a careless shrug of her shoulders while the Kaiba siblings looked ready to slap the pharaoh upside his head for asking such a personal question so bluntly and tactlessly.

1.) Pretty damn dark for a five year old. Obviously, if Canon!Harry wasn't fed with the BS his parents died with a car crash he wouldn't have cared about them at all.
2.) Apparently it's a horrible question to ask just where the hell somebody's parents are when they're living with such fuckawful guardians. Wasn't the most elegant way to ask it, but still. It's really not as bad as the Kaibas make it out to be.

Mokuba wishes her a happy birthday and reminds us all she's much too smart for her age.

Quote :
"Really? Hotaru is a pretty name. Why would you're relatives call you a Freak?" Tsuki asks, causing the young girl to blush behind her veil at the comment about her name.


Oh God. 50% Tsuki acting like canon Seto and being an insensitive dick, but she's complementing her name...

Quote :
Two hours later and she was awoken by the plane going through more turbulence, only to see that she had fallen asleep on Mokubas shoulder.

"Sorry about that." Hotaru said with a small sheepish grin that was hidden behind her veil.

"It's alright. I fell asleep on big sis and since you fell asleep on me that means that you're our official baby sister!" Mokuba said, having talked it over with Tsuki while Hotaru was asleep and having the much taller Kaiba sibling agree with officially adopting the young Egyptian into the Kaiba family. For some reason neither Kaiba sibling could explain, they were just drawn to protect the small child.

WAIT, WHAT. NO. GODDAMMIT.

"For some odd reason" HOW ABOUT THE FACT TSUKI'S CHILDHOOD WAS PROBABLY HELLISH THANKS TO GOZABURO?

ADJ:KLASDJAK:LSDJASKLDA

All right... all right... *deep breaths*

Quote :
It was like there was an irresistible urge to protect the child, much like one would protect a kicked puppy from its abusive owner. The two Kaibas also talked it over with Petunia and she agreed that having a pseudo older brother and older sister would be have a good effect on the young girl who was normally quite stoic. They also agreed to throw a small birthday party for the half-Egyptian girl later on that day in a guest room that Tsuki had called and told several butlers and maids to fix up with Egyptian themes and if they needed help with the theme to go see the Ishtars.



Now, Tsuki has evolved beyond being Fem!Seto. She's a complete Mary Sue who, while a kid was napping, managed to talk with Petunia to adopt the brat. Ugh. And apparently, this is normal. She also arranged a birthday when she hasn't even come home yet...

"Ms. Kaiba called. She adopted an orphan in less than three hours after knowing her now we have to throw a birthday for her."

"Was it a kid from Africa?"

"No, some half-Egyptian from England that speaks Japanese."

"... Wow I'm happy we're not real characters."

Quote :
"Yep! We also talked it over with your aunt and she agreed that since you're our new official baby sister, you can come stay with us and even live with us if you want to when it's time for your 'relatives' to go back to England." Mokuba said grinning widely at his 'imouto', glad that he was no longer the youngest of the Kaiba siblings and that his new sister seemed to like pranks just as much as he did. They began to take off their seatbelts and stretch before heading for the exit.

"Really? I don't have to live with the Dur-butts anymore? Thank you!" Hotaru said grinning widely and hugging the two older Kaibas in thanks as they walked out of the plane and into the airport.

Canon!Seto, where are you? You could have been the one saving grace...

But, yeah, that's Chapter 2. Somehow, it manages to be worse than the first. And that's a real accomplishment there. I can only guess the author realized there was no way to make Seto's personality anything closely resembling what this story demands, so by making him a girl she figured that she could turn her into an OC that does whatever she wants at the drop of a hat.

2/6 of the way done. The other four can't come soon enough.
Back to top Go down
John Marston



Join date : 2010-05-26

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sat Dec 15, 2012 4:40 pm

Goddamn that's awful if you cant write a character don't use them simple as. Once again really good snark keep it up
Back to top Go down
Rabid Badger
And This is Why I Need Medication
And This is Why I Need Medication
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sat Dec 15, 2012 7:44 pm

It IS possible for a child to be reading by the time they're five. Most of the kids in my family could. But that's probably because we were ready to from the time we were babies. And our reading levels, when we started school, were still in the Kindergarten range. None of us were reading 'War and Peace' yet.

This child, on the other hand, is the Godmod Sue to end all Godmod Sues.
Back to top Go down
EileenK98
Recovering Fanbrat
Recovering Fanbrat
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 49
Location : very, very close to Chris

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sun Dec 16, 2012 7:18 am

Reading is one thing. Reading at a college level, and speaking seven languages . . . not possible.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sun Dec 16, 2012 3:15 pm

So, I'm going to be honest myself. I do realize and accept I was being a bit pushy on "YOU'RE FIVE YOU CAN'T READ YET" yeah, that's.... that's not right, really isn't. And I personally apologize on that one. That being said though, we still have the Godmode Queen of Sues' story to look after. So, ladies and gentlemen- Chapter 3.

Quote :
the car ride, phone calls, and crashes

Nah, this doesn't totally give away the entire chapter. Reminder of Fem!Sue!Seto, typical disclaimer, so let's dive in.

Quote :
"Really? I don't have to live with the Dur-butts anymore? Thank you!" Hotaru said grinning widely and hugging the two older Kaibas in thanks as they walked out of the plane and into the airport.

"You're welcome Imouto. Now let's get your things, your aunt, and go see your new room while nee-chan signs the official adoption papers." Mokuba says grinning as he tried to muse with Hotarus hair but she saw what he was about to do and nimbly dodged out of the way and out of his reach, hey all those long days of being chased by her 'cousin' and his 'friends' came in handy for something at least.

Now the first quote is from the last chapter but this starts so suddenly it's hard to just start sporking from there. But, muse with her hair, what...? I thought she was wearing a traditional Egyptian dress? Covering the whole head and all? And damn that sounds creepy to boot. Then again, both Kaiba siblings decided to make her their adopted sister when they ahven't even known her .for four hours (and for no other reason than a desire to protect her. Tsuki and Mokuba's abuse under Gozaburo and being afraid of seeing it again apparently just isn't' a factor in this BS).

Surprise surprise, Hotaru has no luggage whatsoever. Just what's on her person. Her clothes, her decks, her dagger slipped in by Shadi, her- huh?

Quote :
"The things I carry on my person happens to be five full decks of Duel Monsters cards, my new necklace, and that dagger the nice man who gave me my necklace slipped to me to protect myself with." Hotaru said grinning up at her aunt from behind her veil.

"I wasn't aware that he slipped you a dagger!" Petunia said this quietly but still shocked at this new information, as was Tsuki and Mokuba. Oh and the Pharaoh but no one paid him any attention.

Uhhh, me either. What the hell? I actually went back to their encounter in Chapter 1 and re-read it to make sure I hadn't missed anything. I didn't. This dagger just slipped out of nowhere, I guess. Wonder how the hell that made it through security? Goddammit story... at least nobody's bothering the Pharaoh.

Quote :
"Yeppity yep yeppers. It's pretty and looks a lot like my necklace but it's really sharp too. He said it had some kind of mystical properties that I'd have to discover." Hotaru said and you could practically hear her grinning behind her veil.

Oh Hotaru, stop trying to pretend you can remotely act your age. And surprise! It is magical! Now so far nothing important concerning this dagger has come up yet in the story, but I figure this is worth nothing just in case. Not to mention it's another testament to Hotaru's sueism.

Quote :
"Really? But I never heard him say anything of the sort." Petunia said looking at her 'niece' curiously while the Kaiba siblings bundled them towards a limo that was waiting for them out front.

"That's cause he said it in my mind using a key that I think is the Millennium Key from old Egyptian tablets. He said his name was Shadi and he would do his best to look out for me from now on." Hotaru said causing the Kaibas and Yami to tense and freeze in shock.

You've only spoken with him once! And again- how the hell do you know about the Millennium Items!?

Now usually, this is when Seto would roll his eyes at the talk of ancient Egypt and magic, but this isn't Seto Kaiba. It's his long lost Mary Sue sister, Tsuki Kaiba. Well, while she'll probably accept it, at least this'll be some news to her, right?

Quote :
"Shadi? You actually having that guy looking out for you?" Tsuki asks looking at her new sibling in shock and wide eyed disbelief.

"I almost feel bad for whatever idiot tries to hurt you now." Tsuki said shaking her head bemusedly when Hotaru nodded at her question.

SON OF A-

Quote :
"Shadi is the guardian of the Millennium items and if he sets his mind to protecting someone or something then they're not going to get hurt as long as he is paying attention." Tsuki explained to the younger girl who merely shrugged her acceptance or indifference to this.

BITCH!

I honestly don't understand what the fuck is canon in this story and what isn't anymore. Yugi's the King of Games, so that mean he has to have done Duelist Kingdom. We can only assume this tournament in Japan is Battle City even though we're going by English names, so it should be the English dub in which Domino takes place somewhere in California. But Marik apparently isn't evil and Hotaru has all the god cards, and that was Seto's motivation for the damn tournament. This is really, really confusing- you know how even in bad fanfics you at least know what's happened so far before everything goes to shit? Not here.

Apparently though, Tsuki knows about Shadi even though Seto never did. Also she fully believes in the Millennium Items. God, Seto, where are you?

Quote :
"Why would he give a child like you two Millennium items when I as pharaoh only received one?" Yami asks still now giving Yugi control back even though his Hikari was awake now.

"He doesn't get that this is the twentieth century instead of the tenth century does he?" Hotaru asks looking up at Tsuki and Mokuba curiously, and causing both of them to snort in amusement and agreement.

Good fucking point. He's the Pharaoh that's saved the world multiple times. If anyone in the entire YGO Canon deserves more items to make their life a little easier, it's him. I wanted to skip this quote altogether, but it's actually pretty important. This is the EXACT moment Atem bashing becomes a VERY major part of this story.

Also, what do you mean received only one? You've been trapt in the Puzzle for like, 5000 years Atem. Come on, bro.

Quote :
"What was that peasant?" Yami asks separating from Yugi once they were seated in the limo, only earning a bored look from Petunia and Hotaru for his trick.

"Ah shut up ya old pain in the a-"

"Hotaru!" Petunia said sharply cutting her niece off before said niece could finish the curse, much to the Kaiba siblings' amusement.

"What? He had it coming!" Hotaru whined giving her aunt a puppy dog pout that was so good it should have been illegal. Petunia instantly crumbled in the face of the pout.

When her sueism finally died, Hotaru would go on to sell herself for money. She'd use the puppy dog look to throw off police suspicion when she murdered her clients who couldn't pay. But, seriously, fuck you. That being said though, despite being such an asshole for no reason in this story, Atem is probably my favorite character, below him being Dursley and Vernon. Why? They're the ONLY characters who don't fucking buy all the hype about Hotaru. And if that wasn't good enough, he's still a five thousand year old Pharaoh. Awesome.

EDIT: I think I really botched up not talkign about this more. Yes, Atem just fucking separated from Yugi at will. What the FUCK? This is ALWAYS a bad thing to do in YGO fanfiction for ANY of the Yamis unless a very, very good reason is used. 90% of the time it is, there's no good reason. But DAMN that's just STUPID. Really, suthor, really? It is, however, going to be a bit more important in about another chapter or two...

Quote :
"Very well then. Just don't curse in front of me if you can help it alrighty?" Petunia asks cooing over the young Egyptian who was smirking smugly behind her veil, which she still hasn't been removed.

"Yes aunty Petunia." Hotaru intoned cheerfully, since she really didn't feel like acting all stoic and emotionless right now.

Oh, what a surprise! She isn't a stoic and emotionless bitch 24/7! It's just an act, everybody! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Ahaha, no. You're still obnoxious, Hotaru. So, so obnoxious.

Quote :
"Kaiba." Tsuki said stoically as she answered her cell phone as quickly as possible when it began blaring 'Egyptian Woman', blushing slightly at Mokuba and Yugis knowing grins, Yamis confused look, and Petunia and Hotarus curious ones.

For a second, Tsuki remembers who she's supposed to be based off of, only to quickly revert to her normal self. And what's with the bush- you wanna do Ishizu or something, Tsuki? Did Mokuba and eight-year-old Yugi walk in on you making out with your pillow pretending it was Ishizu? Ahh, oh well.

Quote :
"Hello Ishizu. You were called in for decorating the room huh? Yep. Met an adorable little Egyptian girl on the plane with her aunt, uncle, and cousin. Aunt is nice but the cousin and uncle didn't even know that she was a she, they thought her to be a cross-dressing male. The cousin looked like a fat baby whale with a blond wig, wasn't too bright either. The aunt, uncle, and cousin are all English but the girl the room is for is at least half Egyptian. She looks a lot like you actually. The only major difference is the eyes. Yours are a warm brown while hers are kinda a mixture of brown and blue-silve-"Here Tsuki looked at Hotaru and yelped slightly when said girls eyes changed from Blue-silver-brown to the very shade of warm brown that Ishizu had.

"Brown, then blue-silver...? And did you just call her 'adorable'? The hell are you on, Kaiba."

"Listen, can we just read the script and be done with it? I want to get back to my normal gender and personality before I go to jail for punching a five year old."

Quote :
"I'm fine Ishizu. The kids eyes just changed colors suddenly. She looks like she's your clone or mini-me or something." Tsuki said unaware of Ishizus widening eyes and the hopeful look on the Egyptian curators face.

"If anything I should be asking you the questions. Listen, we know she's your Sue daughter, but look at her! The eye-changing, being a little clone of you, why is your offspring like this?"

"Because shut up."

So, they decide to check her full name since Ishizu has an idea of who she is and is wondering if now's the time to finally use that cyanide pills she's been saving for just the occasion.

Quote :
"My anklet says Hotaru Hikari I. so I assume that's my full name." Hotaru said blinking up at Tsuki with her eyes still brown, forcibly reminding Tsuki, Mokuba, Yami, and Yugi, who had gotten attached to the young girl immediately upon seeing her, of Ishizu. Tsuki relayed this to Ishizu who felt her heart stop for a single moment in hope.

..... Yami? Here I was thinking he hates her. Well, no, he does. Just not for the sake of this paragraph, apparently.

And then they found out she was her daughter! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I'm sure deep down though, Ishizu was depressed as all hell. "Why, Ra, why?"

For once in her life, Hotaru is shocked, and her sue wisdom is unable to comprehend the fact this story now has a real plot- the bonding of mother and daughter. She was so used to everything revolving around her, she's planning matricide to remove her mother from the picture.

Quote :
The driver, who was none other than one Tristan Taylor who did it as a favor and so he could earn some extra spending money,

"My hair gives me super-driving skills!" ... Really though, if it was a favor, shouldn't he be doing it free of charge?

Quote :
was so shocked he didn't have enough time to dodge the car that had swerved right out in front of them for a head-on collision.

Then everyone died and the story was finally over !

... Nah, it's just the end of chapter 3. Stay tuned for more, folks.[i]


Last edited by Shadow Sora94 on Sun Dec 16, 2012 9:26 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
Mouse
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sun Dec 16, 2012 6:52 pm

Why exactly does this need to be Harry Potter? It works just as well as a straight up Yugi-Oh sue. All you have to do is change the names of the Dursleys and there you are.
Back to top Go down
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 31
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Mon Dec 17, 2012 9:57 am

Quote :
"No big sister, the small Egyptian girl next to me just had a mischievous gleam in her eyes and I was wondering if I could help her pull whatever prank she's thinking of." Mokuba replies back in Japanese, his voice low enough that Yami couldn't hear him but Hotaru could, not like he thought she knew Japanese anyways.
Eyes changing color = PRANKSTER? Huh, learn something new everyday.


Last edited by Reepicheep-chan on Tue Dec 18, 2012 9:16 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Mon Dec 17, 2012 4:40 pm

Mouse wrote:
Why exactly does this need to be Harry Potter? It works just as well as a straight up Yugi-Oh sue. All you have to do is change the names of the Dursleys and there you are.

I actually do have a bit of a theory on this. Because to them, it probably just makes it seem like they can make Harry even more super special awesome?

Really. Maybe I don't lurk more or I need to look into more fandoms, but I have never seen a fandom with more fanfiction that turns it's canon main protagonist into a Mary Sue to such extreme conditions. It's like MasterGhandolf said in his Karala sporking-

Quote :
There’s a certain genre of Potterfic that misses that the entire point of the series was that Harry defeats Voldemort by being a better person rather than a more powerful wizard, and so load him up with superpowers out the wazoo.

So, they make so overpowered when he does fight Voldemort, there is no conflict whatsoever and Harry defeats him by blinking and Voldemort is just utterly obliterated. So, why not? To them, how mysterious and vast magic is in the HP universe is apparently enough for them to say "Well, this magic COULD exist!" and give it justification to make Harry the Sue they always wanted him to be. By making it a crossover, they use that 'excuse' for more magic, as well whatever abilities the crossover has. That being said, the author also appears rather fond of this- out of her 35 stories, every Harry Potter related one has a Fem!Harry.

Hell, here's an example from her from a Harry Potter and Kiddy Grade crossover-
Quote :
Midnight Angel Potter? NO! I'm Eclair Tada
How would the HP and KG universes change if an abandoned Fem!Harry turned out to be Eclair from Kiddy Grade? Look out Magical Britain! You have some pissed off G.O.T.T. ES members after you now. ALIVE!LILY AND JAMES LILY JAMES AND MARK BASHING RON BASHING some ginny bashing Rated T WRONG!BWL STRONG!ABANDONED!FEM!HARRY MOTHERLY!ECLIPSE AND DVERGR SANE!NOTEVIL!ALV GOOD!DUMBLES

Now I don't even know what Kiddy Grade is about so I'm not even gonna touch it, but giving her some credit, apparently there isn't much Dumbledore bashing in this story (she still apparently feels Dumbledore is sane and evil and not good canoncially if she feels the need to warn us). Likewise, she usually does attempt to give stories real names- these two are the only ones with titles that just scream lazyness.

But, yeah.

tl;dr- Suethors think HP is mysterious enough to turn Harry into a mary sue. Making it a crossover just lets them add more if their worlds are going to collide.

But, before I ramble more, let's move onto Chapter 4. Awakening, mother dragons, and bakas The chapter right before my least favorite. Joy. Thankfully, however, it is a very short chapter.

So, Tsuki got lucky and didn't have a single injury from the crash, she just fainted was all. So, Tsuki asks around, and we learned there's been a fatality in the crash. It was............................... Petunia! Yugi, eight years old, delivers the news.

Quote :
"Petunia died the moment the crash occurred, some glass from the window sliced the artery in her neck causing her to bleed out in seconds,

Well, fuck. Was there any need to really tell us? Listen, I have no problem with intense gore and violence in stories- I could read Cupcakes just fine. But why bother telling us this? It just feels like it was thrown in for shock value. Even if that's how you pictured she died, you can just tell us she was killed on impact, jeez...

Quote :
(continuing from where that sentence left off) Hotaru is badly injured, she is in critical and is also in surgery. Only one person was allowed with her and Ishizu practically teleported to the kids side." Yugi reported feeling sorry for the death of the older woman and grave injuries of the young Egyptian.

"I mean, yeah- it's kind of ambiguous if she was a good person, what with being OK with Hotaru being abused and all because she was nice to her in private, and instead of disciplining her horrible son and divorcing her fuck of a husband for ruining them, and using Hotaru in part of a plan to humiliate her son to teach him to be nicer instead of grounding him like a normal parent does, but still..."

Quote :
Just then Ishizu walked out of the emergency room, well dragged out by two burly doctors would be a more appropriate way to put it, with tears rolling down her face as she desperately cried Hotarus name, causing all of the gangs hearts to break at the sight of the normally strong, stoic, and slightly apathetic womans behavior.

"Let me go! That's my daughter in there! Hotaru! HOTARU!" Ishizu yelled struggling to get back to her daughters side when the young girls face scrunched and she suddenly screamed out in pain. Ishizu stomped on one doctors foot and slammed her elbow into the other guys neck before rushing back towards her daughter worriedly, only to be dragged back away from the now screaming girl by two security guards that had shown up.

"Ma'm, your daughter is a Mary Sue- she's going to be just fine, we promise! ... Unless this is the only way the author thinks the plot can advance..."

Quote :
"Hotaru. Hotaru. My baby." Ishizu said her voice getting softer and softer as she began to sob brokenly into her twin brothers' shoulders. This caused everyone but the guards hearts to break into even tinier pieces, none of them had ever seen Ishizu shed more than a single tear before let alone see her sob brokenly like she was doing now.

Hey, maybe these guards aren't that bad of characters either...

So then, shit REALLY hits the fan in three, two, one...

Quote :
"Don't fret Isis. It's your daughters destiny to die now. I don't see why you're crying. Not like you actually know the brat. It's not a huge loss to you or-"

'CRACK!' the sound of Yami Yugis jaw breaking could be heard all down the hall of the hospital as a strong fist gave him a solid punch to the jaw.

W-w-wait, did Ishizu just fucking break Yugi's jaw? Considering they can seperate at wi- ohhh, that's right! Apparently in this story, Yaims ARENT spirits/split personalities that need hosts! Honestly, doing this sporking, for the first time I realized just how Marik/Malik's conversation with Ishizu went now. I was just thinking Malik was ghostly apparating next to Marik.

Quote :
"My clan may have sworn their lives to you until you regain your memories but…" Ishizus voice was icy cold and full of venomous, righteous womanly fury.

"If you ever speak about my daughter like that I'll fucking kill you!" Ishizu said snapping her head up to glare and snarl at the pharaoh with a dangerous gleam in her eyes. The pharaoh gulped from his new position of being sprawled out on the floor since Ishizu was mad enough to make a nesting mother dragon protecting her nest look tame and innocent.

"I'm a ghost, how the hell can you kill me!?"

"I DONT KNOW."

... But, yeah. Not much to say about this chapter, or even much you can really make fun of either. However, that's justifiable, since the next chapter is the most hair-pulling, frustrating, most OOC chapter this story has to offer so far. If I really, really delved into it, I could probably talk about the entire chapter here, word-for-word, pretty quickly.

4/6 of the way done, almost there...
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Jan 04, 2013 3:14 pm

... Whoah, I thought I had finished this before I went on vacation. Dammit :l

Well, since then, this story has updated. So, ladies and gentlemen of WGW, lets hit for three in one, shall we? These chapters are short as it is, so why not? I'm afraid this might not be as good as my previous chapters- this chapter marks a turning point. Not only are the chapters much shorter, at this point it starts going from laughingly bad to just... bad.

It was always boring, but at least it could easily be made fun of. From this point on, it just got progressively worse and harder to make fun of it- or maybe I'm just too new to do it justice just yet. Chapter 6 and 7 in particular are just short as hell with almost no sporking material. But, let's move on for now.

Chapter 5- beatings, Shadows, and healing

You know when some stories/shows/animes/games/whatever have a bit of a filler beginning to help us get introduced to the world before the plot rolls around. Chapter 5 is that chapter when that BS stops, and unsurprisingly it doesn't do a good job at it.

Quote :
"Go sister!" The Ishtar twins exclaim as Ishizu proceeded to physically and verbally rip the pharaoh a new one, the guards not making a move to help the idiot who had pissed her off.

"Damn. Some of those words I've never heard off and that's saying something." Bakura said letting out a low whistle at the amount of curses that Ishizu was spewing forth with enough venom to poison all of Japan in seconds.

"Go Ishizu!" Tsuki and Mokuba said cheering on the pissed off mother who still hadn't finished cursing the pharaoh out.

... This is how this chapter begins. I... it's honestly hard to spoof the first half of this chapter because there's nothing to spoof. It's just Ishizu beating up Atem while everyone makes inappropriate jokes about it.

Quote :
You guys might want to have a hospital room ready for him after she gets done." Tea said to the guards making no move to calm or stop the raging woman.

"Or you could call the morgue since I doubt she'll stop before he's dead." Mai Valentine chipped in perkily, causing the two guards to nod showing that they understood and/or agreed with the blond woman.

This chapter is so bad, maybe it's because I'm new to this, but I can't spork this. The only thing I can do is just be fucking disgusted- TEA. Remember, married to friendship Tea? She doesn't even fucking care! This is supposed to be funny!? According to the suethor, yes, yes it is. Here's a little gem from this chapter after Joey asks the guards if they should be doing their job and break this up.

Quote :
"We will jump out of that window if she so much as glares at us at this point in time." Guard one said in a monotone with Guard two nodding his agreement.

What shitty fucking guards. Can you imagine if your lives were in their hands. Once again, the only promising characters are just for show.

"OH GOD HE HAS A SPOON"

"You're on your own- good luck!"

*both die of heart attacks right there"

Goddamn. However, showing us how bad this story is with it's pacing, in the middle of a paragraph things get switched around-

Quote :
"Do you want to try and stop her?" Guard two asks looking at Joey with one of his eyebrows raised.

"Aw hell no! I ain't getting in that!" Joey said looking from them to Ishizu beating the pharaoh bloody with wide eyes as his face paled drastically. Before anyone could do or say anything else a loud scream was heard from the emergency room, causing everyone to stop in their tracks and wince at the amount of pain that was behind that scream before even they were shocked by a large explosion of shadow magic coming from the room. The explosion of magic was strong enough to fling all of the doctors out of the room and into the hallway as shadows covered the room and the child in it.

"Don't mind us, we're just here to start drama and introduce the plot."

"B-but this story was supposed to revolve around me!"

So, Ishizu rushes inside to save her previous babeh from the evil shadows. Then, as he's our magical plot device character, Shadi appears.

"Jagshamesh! My condolences for not being there to save little Mary Sue Jew-girl."

Quote :
Shadi appeared in a swirl of shadows with a stunned and horrified look on his face as he looked down at the girl he had sworn to protect.

"I am sorry young Seer. I stopped watching you for only a minute and you got injured because of it. I will make sure to protect you with my very life from this day forward. I will never let any harm come to you again." Shadi said kneeling to the young Egyptian despite the loud garbled protest of Yami outside the room and ignoring the loud 'SMACK!'s of Tea, Yugi, Tsuki, Mokuba, and Mai hitting the pharaoh for something he must have said.



OH MY GOD ARE WE FUCKING SERIOUSLY GOING BACK TO THE YAMI BASHING? DAMMIT. He just had the shit beat out of him! Why isn't that enough to drill into our heads that he's a badbadbad person? No- apparently we need everyone hitting him again because we can't tell suethor doesn't want us to root for him at all.

Quote :
"That's all well and good but it won't mean much if we can't save her!" The Mystical Elf snapped at Shadi as she continued to heal the child that was now whimpering.

"…" Hotaru said nothing as she clutched at her mamas hand with amazing strength for her condition.

H-what? Where did you come from D:!?

Well, that's it for the chapter. Dark Magician Girl is also there, so apparently Duel Spirits can interact whenever they want with the human world without special conditions or consequences. Meh. At least it's ove-

Quote :
"You're welcome. We couldn't very well let the Shadow princess die." The Dark Magician Girl said grinning at Ishizu who looked at them curiously and confused at this.

"Shadow Princess?" Ishizu asked confused and curious but the Shadow Beasts had already vanished as had the shadows that surrounded the room.

................

Why, God, why!?

UGH.

So, with that, we delve onto Chapter 6. The Real Chapter6 Somewhat.

This is both an incredibly short and awkward chapter. I don't want to talk to much about it, but there's a reason this is only 'somewhat' a chapter. This is because originally, it was a two line all caps bold rant at the ONLY negative review this story had EVER gotten until then. And to make it worse, that person did like it, just wanted to give constructive criticism. He didn't have an account so he made it anonymous. This just set off something in her since she viewed it as being an attack hiding behind anonymity.

When I called her out on it, she admitted she was in the wrong and was in a lot of stress- out of respect since she did show a lot of maturity in admitting she was wrong (far more than I thought she would. And in any even you actually read this, Say, I do feel sorry about what happened and I do think you deserve respect for how you handled it. I'm sorry, but your story is still bad though), it was actually a pretty depressing reason and I'm not gonna talk about out of respect. Just let it be known she admitted she was in the wrong, was mature about it, and now as time has gone by all traces of it are gone with the exception of a comment in one of my reviews. It was also part of the reason I was willing to try to give her some constructive criticism.

Looking back at it I regret doing that, but still. This is super ultra short, with not even 300 words. Granted I understand she just wanted that old chapter gone, as anyone would. In this chapter, Hotaru becomes crippled- following the beloved stereotype of Sues having permanent injures to make them so much sadder and more sympathetic. There's two little gems in this chapter, but not much to make fun of.

Quote :
"She'll live but she'll be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of her life." Ishizu reported as she softly stroked her babys hair, inwardly still wondering about the Shadow Princess title the Shadow Beasts have given her daughter.

"Well then I'll just have to make sure she has the best and most advanced wheelchair possible." Tsuki said her eyes filling in determination as she mentally thought of the many different things she could do to customize a highly advanced wheelchair for the poor little girl who had lost her aunt, her legs, and nearly her life all in a few seconds.

"I mean, I can't afford my private jet or even first class tickets on a plane, but I'll do whatever I can to make her wheelchair the best it could probably be!"

And then, for the best ending ever...

Quote :
"Who're you?" Hotaru asked blinking wide brown eyes up at them innocently.

Huh? Why is Hotaru acting like a child? ... Oh no...

Quote :
"Who am I?" Hotaru asked almost instantly afterwards and caused everyones hearts to stop temporarily as one thought fluttered through their brains.

'Amnesia. She has amnesia.' The group thought in collective shock and unision with their eyes wide.



Chapter 7, and we're done with this (for now. I don't have this in my subscriptions, and admittingly I actually only learned about this new chapter when I came back to finish what I started. Chapter 7- don't kill me. I'm gonna assume since it's been a while since there's been an update.

It's... just as short as chapter 6. No awkward reason either. Who knows? This is the end for now, so I'm gonna try to comment on as much as possible.

Quote :
"Your name is Hotaru Hikari Ishtar. I'm your mother, Ishizu Ishtar, and these are your uncles Malik and Marik Ishtar." Ishizu said swallowing a lump in her throat as she stared down at her memory less child.

"Really? Why I in hospital?" Hotaru asked blinking up at the Egyptian seer curiously and innocently, her memory loss seeming to affect her speaking skills somewhat.

Hotaru has devolved from a five year old with an intelligence and thinking process on par with a 30 year old to being a five year old with an intelligence and thinking process on par with a 2-3 year old.

Quote :
"You had gotten hurt very badly in a car accident sweetie. You-You can't walk anymore." Ishizu spoke softly to her baby girl who was looking up at her in wide eyed innocence.

"But just because you can't walk don't mean you can't get around!"

But yeah. Tsuki is more or less a toddler now. Let's compare and contrast~

Chapter 2-

Quote :
"Dudley, I have been sitting here having a civil, if not pleasant, conversation with all three of them and in that time they had not once told me to get lost or find somewhere else to sit, if they had then I would have honored their wish and found another empty seat somewhere on the plane by now. If I am still sitting here then that means that they are, at the very least, indifferent to me being near them so please go back to Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon before you convince everyone on the plane that you're an even bigger idiot than you've already shown to be."

Chapter 7-

Quote :
"Feet not work?"

Pffft.

If you really, really wanted to see Hotaru get knocked down a couple of pegs, Chapter 7 looks like the answer your prayers, but it isn't. After seeing her as a god mode sue, it's almost satisfying to see her become a toddler who can't walk. But she's still a mary sue the entire world and their mom minus Atem adores, and she's still going to be pampered by people she barely even knows. Not to mention it's obvious our beloved Shadow Princess will probably recover.

Quote :
"Hey there kiddo. My name is Tsuru Kaiba and I'm gonna design your wheelchair and all okay?" Tsuru asked smiling gently at Hotaru who smiled back as she cuddled closer to her mother.

"Kay." Hotaru said smiling cutely at Tsuru before blushing and hiding her face in her mothers neck as her stomach growled loudly.

... Where the fuck did Tsuki go :l? Really weird to make this mistake twice in a row.

This would be heartwarming and tragic if this was a normal five year old who had gone through such a horrible thing, if only Hotaru had been a good character. A likable character- anything then how she's been until now! But... nope. Ishizu then takes Hotaru to get some food and...

That's it for the story for now. No more chapters. And that concludes this for now~

Now excuse me as I try to find YGO and HP crossovers that actually do focus on card games and Harry isn't a five year old girl.
Back to top Go down
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 31
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:12 pm

Shadow Sora94 wrote:
This chapter is so bad, maybe it's because I'm new to this, but I can't spork this.
Yeeeeeah, I do not really 'get' the whole character bashing fic thing. It is not funny at all.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:31 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Shadow Sora94 wrote:
This chapter is so bad, maybe it's because I'm new to this, but I can't spork this.
Yeeeeeah, I do not really 'get' the whole character bashing fic thing. It is not funny at all.

Honestly, I really was never looking forward to doing this chapter. I just really didn't want to leave this hanging and got through with it- bashing fics are bad enough, but trying to make it funny when Ishizu is violently beating somebody with nobody watching... whats the appeal to this :/?
Back to top Go down
Kari Izumi
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2009-07-07
Age : 31

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Mon Jan 07, 2013 2:52 am

Quote :
I wandered into FF.net's Yu-Gi-Oh!/Harry Potter crossover archive, hoping to find card games with magic.anything resembling something out of either canon universe.
FTFY, 'cuz that was your first mistake. God, I haven't read a really bad YGO fic since the GAFF replacement board before last, so I'd forgotten how ridiculous this fandom can be.

Regarding Chapter Five, it's not very often you see Tea on the opposite side of a character bashing, which is the most original thing this story has going for it.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sun Apr 21, 2013 1:31 am

Wow it has been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long since I've been here, let alone actually sporked anything. Well, I really should get back to that MLP story, but for now, I wanna revisit what started me off here.

And now that i've been registered for well over a week, I can post links now, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Excitedplz

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Chapter 8: Ishizus thoughts and Cameras

...

Can I leave? I love you guys, but really, can we just forget I came back so I can go live comfortably away from the memory I have read this story?

... No? Fuck you guys :c

Quote :
A few days later and Ishizu sighed as she got ready for bed. She was happy to have her baby back yes but not only was the Pharaoh acting weird

Quote :
Pharaoh acting weird

WELL THERE'S THE FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY.

Quote :
her old nightmares were resurfacing again. The ones of her being raped, her daughter dying, her mothers death, and other such things. Ishizu smiled slightly as she went to her daughters room and looked at the sleeping five year old that was cuddling a small blue eyes white dragon plushy under one arm while there was a Kuriboh plushy under her other one.

Just in case you forgot the rape that's shown no emotional torment or angst in the entire story and is just there as a very convenient excuse for Hotaru to be born. And just in case you forgot Hotaru is, indeed, a five year old, and not a 28 year old midget because she has the intelligence for it and doesn't actually act like a five year old.

But that's OK because now she is so you shouldn't think about her previous personality

Quote :
Ishizu knew that most women that had children by rape were screwed up and hated their children but she couldn't bring herself to be like that. It wasn't her daughters fault that she had been the byproduct of rape so why bother acting like it was? She might get a little overprotective of her baby girl or her baby brothers sometimes but she could never hate them. Her brothers had been there for her just after she was raped and she knew it wasn't their fault so why bother treating them like it was? Her brothers had been what kept her sane but they didn't know of her pregnancy because of the Ishtars father's death and the boys moving to Japan before she could tell them or start to show.

Awwwwwwwww, look at how great a mama she is! I mean I know there hadn't even been a hint she ever resented her daughter at all but isn't it so nice how the author let us know that for sure <3 I don't know about you but I never could have known Ishizu didn't have any resentment for Hotaru if I hadn't been told that. How great of the writer to let the stupid masses know!

I also love how we're going into this younger brothers bullshit again. They're not fucking younger brothers. One is an insane murderous split personality. Why is it on the same level as Marik? Why is it a good guy? Yami Marik was arguably the most fucking evil individual in all of Yu-Gi-Oh! God-fucking-dammit WHY!?

Quote :
they didn't know of her pregnancy because of the Ishtars father's death and the boys moving to Japan before she could tell them or start to show.

ISHIZU. MALIK MURDERED YOUR DAD/SENT HIM TO ETERNAL SUFFERING IN HELL IN A PG RATED SHOW. IN THE MANGA HE FUCKING SKINNED HIM ALIVE. AKLFDSJFDLKSJ

HOW DO YOU MESS UP THIS MUCH CANON. HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH DISRESPECT FOR A FANDOM?

At least it tried to fucking explain why Marik didn't actually know about this. Oh well, though. I've already given up on trying to salvage any canon from this abomination of a story. I guess I do need to learn to let it go...

Quote :
The twins (THEY ARE NOT FUCKING TWINS GODDAMMIT) thought it would be a good idea to introduce their little niece to Duel Monsters, despite the fact that the childs own decks had been ruined in the car crash, and Tsuki had agreed readily.

W-wai-huh-what!? We've already established she's been introduced to Duel Monsters! She has six decks! She has a fucking CHARMERS deck (AKA really shit) that could beat experienced duelists! You don't need to introduce her to anything!

And once again we kill Kaiba's memory some more with Tsuki's existence.

Quote :
It had taken her baby girl only two to three turns to get adjusted, or was it readjusted, to the game and from there it went from a hesitant one-sided brawl in Mokubas favor to a straight out massacre in Hotarus favor.

Everyone for the favor of a five year old at a children's card game:

Quote :
Even when they switched her opponents and her deck or the cards in it Hotaru always seemed to know what to do with the cards in her hand and when to do it.

Totally not the God-Queen of Mary Sues, you guise

Quote :
"The way the cards acted with her…it's like she could speak with them or something." Ishizu muttered as she climbed into her bed and thought back to the matches.

All right, Heart of the Cards/Topdecking. All right. At least in YGO's canon this isn't blatant Mary Sueism, it's honestly pretty accept-

Quote :
When Hotaru had first used a monster card, which had been the water charmer, the hologram of the card didn't just float in place stoically like they normally did. No the hologram flew over towards the sitting Hotaru and hugged her, actually able to touch her!, and never strayed far from Hotarus side and when it attacked it seemed to have gotten a power boost from somewhere that no one had noticed before then and instead of a small bubble beam that most water based magician/charmers used it was an all-out tidal wave!

Fuck me.

So the rest of the chapter is just wanking off to Hotaru a bit more to build up her Mary Sueism, not much else to say other than this.

Quote :
"With the Shadow Princess reunited with her true family but without her legs…oh dear Ra! I hope we can get a camera for everyones faces when they realize what she really is." The Mystical Elf said with a light giggle as well while the other Duel Monsters around the house pictured the look on the other humans faces when they learned what Hotaru really was and had to fight to keep their snickers hidden from the sleeping humans.

8l

OK, now for Chapter 9. The twins and the tournament

DAT EFFORT

It's also short as fuck which is why I had to wait for two chapters to be out to actually even try to do a reply.

Quote :
In Hotarus room though the small Egyptian girl smiled widely in her sleep as the Blue Eyes White Dragons curled around her and her bed protectively while Kuriboh was cuddling up to the girl much like his plushy self was doing.

Kisara: Hey wait a second you're not Seto.

Quote :
"Time to get ready for the duel tournament today, my little firefly." Ishizu said smiling as she gently shook her daughter awake the next morning and caused the girl to yawn as she blinked her eyes open cutely.

What? What was that? Are you saying you're confused at the idea of this tournament? That you didn't see it coming? Well don't fret, neither did anyone! Because there was no mention of a tournament whatsoever until it happened 8D!

Quote :
"Good cause so am I. Me and the others can't wait to see what kind of deck you have since neither you nor Pegasus would tell us." Ishizu said smiling down at her daughter and picking the tiny child up. Tsuki had pulled through with the custom made and highly advanced wheelchair but it was downstairs since Ishizu preferred to carry her daughter up and down the stairs herself.

WHAT. WHEN THE FUCK DID PEGASUS SHOW UP? WHAT. AUTHOR. WE DON'T HAVE MAGICAL MIND READING POWERS. STOP IT.

Quote :
"Hehe. Me and Granpa wanna keep it a surprise!" Hotaru said grinning widely up at her mother who merely rolled her eyes fondly. Hotaru was the only one who could call the famous multi-billionaire 'Granpa' and get away with it. When Pegasus had met Hotaru through Tsuki once he had immediately began to dote on and spoil the child, printing her any Yu-Gi-Oh cards she wanted. The two of them had kept what cards she had gotten for her deck a secret and no one could wait to see what the clever child could come up with.

...

Quote :
"Hehe. Me and Granpa wanna keep it a surprise!" Hotaru said grinning widely up at her mother who merely rolled her eyes fondly. Hotaru was the only one who could call the famous multi-billionaire 'Granpa' and get away with it. When Pegasus had met Hotaru through Tsuki once he had immediately began to dote on and spoil the child, printing her any Yu-Gi-Oh cards she wanted. The two of them had kept what cards she had gotten for her deck a secret and no one could wait to see what the clever child could come up with.

......

Quote :
"Hehe. Me and Granpa wanna keep it a surprise!" Hotaru said grinning widely up at her mother who merely rolled her eyes fondly. Hotaru was the only one who could call the famous multi-billionaire 'Granpa' and get away with it. When Pegasus had met Hotaru through Tsuki once he had immediately began to dote on and spoil the child, printing her any Yu-Gi-Oh cards she wanted. The two of them had kept what cards she had gotten for her deck a secret and no one could wait to see what the clever child could come up with.

.........

Quote :
"Hehe. Me and Granpa wanna keep it a surprise!" Hotaru said grinning widely up at her mother who merely rolled her eyes fondly. Hotaru was the only one who could call the famous multi-billionaire 'Granpa' and get away with it. When Pegasus had met Hotaru through Tsuki once he had immediately began to dote on and spoil the child, printing her any Yu-Gi-Oh cards she wanted. The two of them had kept what cards she had gotten for her deck a secret and no one could wait to see what the clever child could come up with.

...........

Quote :
Yu-Gi-Oh cards

FUCK. THIS.

WHY, GOD, WHY!?


IT'S DUEL MONSTERS. IN NO VERSION OTHER THAN A REALLY SHITTY FANLATION IS IT EVER, EVERY YUGIOH. NO. NONONONO. ACTUALLY, USUALLY EVEN NOT IN THOSE. AT LEAST THEY TRY
TO GET SOMETHING SIMILAR TO WHAT WAS WRITTEN!

AUTHOR. THE TITLE IS NAMED AFTER YUGI! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. NO. IN NO FUCKING UNIVERSE OTHER THAN A REAL LIFE FIC SHOULD IT EVER EVER EVER BE CALLED YU-GI-OH! CARDS. NO. NONONONO. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU'VE DONE SO MUCH TO PISS ON YGO'S MOST BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL CANON, NOW THIS!?

WHAT IS FANFICTION!? WHAT IS YU-GI-OH!?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK.. ok...

... OK.

Le's move on.

Quote :
"Now sweetheart. If the Pharaoh says something mean than just ignore him or tell me and/or the others okay? He's not acting himself lately and I think someone or something may be controlling him."

REALLY? I COULDN'T TELL.

Quote :
"Hey there squirt!" Malik and Marik chorused seeing their sister walk into the room with Hotaru and Malik snatching her up deftly. Hotaru squealed slightly in laughter as she hugged her uncles neck happily.

... C-can't you please just stop? They... they're not supposed to be twins, t-they're not even supposed to be separate. Only one personality is ever supposed to be dominant at a time... please...

Quote :
"Unkie Mal!" Hotaru squealed happily hugging Malik's neck while the Yami pouted slightly before stealing Hotaru away from his Hikari.

"What bout me?!" Marik asked hugging and cuddling the small Egyptian with a pout on his face.

"Unkie Mar!" Hotaru squealed again as she hugged his neck happily while Ishizu rolled her eyes fondly when Malik tried to steal Hotaru away from the Yami.

... P... please...

...

And that's all for now, folks

But as a bonus, why don't we look at it's enablers? It has 159 reviews. Surely, it's filled with people calling this story at it's bullshit, right?

Quote :
YOU PASS!
FLAWLESS VICTORY!

I have a feeling, Saya, that I may have to reread this from the beginning.
My memory is not what it should be (I am almost 40 after all. Razz) and I have been reading and reviewing a few other fanfictions besides yours over the past month or so.

You are an excellent writer, Saya, and I am glad that you not only are updating when you may... But also that you are my friend.

Please continue when you may, Saya.

Quote :
Brilliant ideas and can you get the next chapter out?

Quote :
cute ! Very interestign about her title. Smile I like that she has Kuriboh and Blue Eyes White Dragon's and her protectors. They compliment each other. Kuriboh while small. Is usualy a very warm and cheerful Monster. (From the American Anime and American video games) It can also make hundereds of it self. Which makes a great shield. The Blue Eye's White Dragons' have power and strength to make up for Kuriboh's small size. They also remind me of honor and strength. Also because Blues' are dragons she get's the benifits of dragons.

Great story !

Quote :
Noooo! Dammit, give 'er legs back! *bawls* Not fair not fair not fair!

Out of 159 reviews, less than five are negative or offer any kind of constructive criticism. And I wrote two of them.

Yes, you may lose all your faith in humanity now.

Good day, it's a pleasure to be back, WGW.
Back to top Go down
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 31
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:48 pm

Quote :
"What bout me?!" Marik asked hugging and cuddling the small Egyptian with a pout on his face.
Welp, there is just about everything wrong with the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom summed up as succinctly as possible.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:33 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
"What bout me?!" Marik asked hugging and cuddling the small Egyptian with a pout on his face.
Welp, there is just about everything wrong with the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom summed up as succinctly as possible.

While tha'ts true for the greater fandom as a whole, in my opinion, the worst plague concerning fanfiction is the ungodly amount of Mary Sues. It's really up there, possibly in the same level as Harry Potter. The problem is that because of the card game nature, it's easy to writ eoff "LOL she just got a good hand and shit" while conveniently ignoring that Yugi, Kaiba, and Joey are supposed to be the best and most powerful players in the world.

Also, deck stealing. Too many people think it'd be nice to have thier super special OC use a Dark Magician deck, or a Red-Eyes deck, or fucking any previously used deck. Just once I'd love to see a main character iwth an Endymion/Spell Counter deck who actually loses to a main character.

... I guess that's one of the onyl positive things I can say about this. She's using a Charmer deck. That being said as somebody who actually plays this game I can't imagine somebody succesfully creaitng a Charmer deck to save their life. So... blah.
Back to top Go down
Reidmar
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-01-10
Age : 26
Location : A string of Code in the Interwebz( IF living = true input ragequit)

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Wed Apr 24, 2013 2:13 pm

Shadow Sora94 wrote:
Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
"What bout me?!" Marik asked hugging and cuddling the small Egyptian with a pout on his face.
Welp, there is just about everything wrong with the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom summed up as succinctly as possible.

While tha'ts true for the greater fandom as a whole, in my opinion, the worst plague concerning fanfiction is the ungodly amount of Mary Sues. It's really up there, possibly in the same level as Harry Potter. The problem is that because of the card game nature, it's easy to writ eoff "LOL she just got a good hand and shit" while conveniently ignoring that Yugi, Kaiba, and Joey are supposed to be the best and most powerful players in the world.

Also, deck stealing. Too many people think it'd be nice to have thier super special OC use a Dark Magician deck, or a Red-Eyes deck, or fucking any previously used deck. Just once I'd love to see a main character iwth an Endymion/Spell Counter deck who actually loses to a main character.

... I guess that's one of the onyl positive things I can say about this. She's using a Charmer deck. That being said as somebody who actually plays this game I can't imagine somebody succesfully creaitng a Charmer deck to save their life. So... blah.
I stay the fuck away from OC stories as much as possible, however there are a few good ones out there... This though... this just makes my eyes burn.
Back to top Go down
Shadow Sora94

avatar

Join date : 2012-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:55 pm

Well, it feels good to feel back. Sorry for vanishing on this with no warning.

Long story short, personal friendship things around the time this updated really did a huge number on me emotionally for a long while. By the time I was better, I didn't care much for sporking anymore. Now I do, though.

So, I figured I might as well do a sporking of the POS that started it all as soon as I could. So, ladies and gentlemen, Chapter 10, only a few months late! This is also the final chapter! How so?  Here's chapter 11 before I dive into Chapter 10:

Quote :
I'm going to be rewriting this as I was rereading it the other day and was not happy with what I read. I will be completely rewriting it although some things will stay the same.

  

On a bigger note, I am happy this suethor is at least taking an interest to better herself, I legitimately mean that. It doesn't help this 200+ review story's reviews are almost universally positive, it's just not something people who write stories like this tend to want to do. In fact, they usually just accept what the positive reviewers say with no second though to it. I was so shocked I actually sent a review saying I'd help with the rewrite (since I do love the YGO universe) in any way I could. So even if it's just as bad as the original, I probably won't snark the rewrite even if it's just as bad.

Or maybe.

I don't know, seems kinda douchey after I said I was willing to help. A part of me still has reservations about doing this, but I decided to go along with it. Enjoy!

Chapter 10: First Duel and Dudley.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yup, this is it, folks. The chapter I've most been dreading! As a warning, this is probably gonna have a lot of images in it, so you might wanna log in as you read this- or just keep the YGO wiki open in another page. Not gonna be using any images other than pictures of cards so I don't have to explain their stats. Other then that though, I'm not using any other images. Although, this duel isn't as horrifically awful as you may be expecting, much to your disappointment/relief.

Anyways, let's just jump into it, shall we?

Quote :
Ishizu sighed slightly but smiled behind her veil as she followed her brothers and daughter down the street full of duelists looking for an easy win.
And here I was thinking people would just surrender first time upon seeing the god mary sue that is Hotaru. I like how they're specifically looking for an easy win despite how much of a bigshot Hotaru was.

Oh yeah, that's right, she magically started acting her age, right?

Quote :
Right now the two boys were driving off any would be competitors by arguing loudly over which one of them would beat up anyone that made Hotaru cry worse.
>Somebody beats Hotaru in a legitimate match
>"WAAAAAH"
>Cue torture
Glorious.

Quote :
"How would you get a spike inside someone's ass? What's ass mean anyways?" Hotaru asked innocently and blinking up at her uncle's curiously from within her wheel chair, causing them both to gape at her while Ishizus killing intent skyrocketed. Those two psychopaths she called her little brothers were corrupting her baby!
You shouldn't be surprised, Ishizu, considering, uh, one of them skinned your father alive in front of you.

Or sent him to the Shadow Realm. Whatever floats your boat better.

And again, Yami Marik is not your fucking brother! God, I hated this story!

Quote :
"Bakas! Saying things like that in front of your five year old niece! Watch your language!" Ishizu yelled at the two before she turned and smiled down at her daughter, her mood doing a complete U-Turn.
"Bakas bakas bakas you're all fucking bakas!"

"Mommy what's a baka?"

"It's the japanese word for Idiot, my little sue."

"But... aren't we Egyptian? Shouldn't we say idiot in arabic?"

"Hotaru, baby, we're in a badfic. We use japanese even though we're not japanese."

Quote :
"There you are freak! I challenge you to a duel! Two stars to the winner!" Dudley Dursley yelled glaring darkly at Hotaru as she licked her ice cream happily, it was all that freaks fault his mum was dead as far as he was concerned.
Whoah.

Uh.

Hi Dudley? You, ah, really came out of fucking nowhere.

So, my lovely readers, wanna guess how seriously and deep the angst of a boy mourning the loss of his mother is going to be portrayed in this? The spoiled brat who's just had one of his enablers utterly ripped out of his life, forcing him to grow up? A spoiled brat who's finally being forced to grow up in an unnaturally short amount of time not because of age, but because of a traumatic event?

... That's right, none at all 8D!

Quote :
"Okay dokey! Chair? Deck 4 please." Hotaru said finishing off her ice cream quickly as she got her Duel Disk, which was built into the wheelchair and customized solely for her, ready with her wind deck in the deck slot. Tsuki had given her seven decks worth of cards that she separated into different decks based on their attributes, Deck 4 was Hotaru's wind deck.
Stop trying to act like you're actually five. Your first few chapters ruined that illusion. Do you really think we're stupid enough to fall for it? ... Well, as the reviews prove, apparently there are a lot of people stupid enough to fall into it.

Anyways, it's a WIND Deck. It is not a Charmer deck. In fact, Charmers don't appear fucking at all. So all that build up to Charmers that the suethor loves? Meaningless 8D! Absolutely fucking meaningless 8D!

Unfortunately, this also means Hotaru has a deck that's actually capable of winning a duel. Thankfully this duels with 4000 LP like the anime, not 8000 like real duels so we don't have to see it draw on for eternity and a half.

Quote :
"I go first! I draw!" Dudley said drawing five cards from his standard Duel Disk while everyone else backed away so as to not get in the way or caught in the crossfire of the duel.

"I play one card face down and summon Mechanical Snail (ATK: 800/DEF: 1000) in attack mode!" Dudley said placing one card face down in a spell/trap slot while summoning his monster onto the field, causing Hotaru to giggle when the Snail showed up with a somersault and bowed at her.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

It bowed to her? So fuck, even her enemies love Hotaru? I can see it. A man is getting ready to shoot her and he gives her chocolate right before killing her.  

Anyways, not quite sure how to feel about this. Of course Dudley is going to be a horrible duelist. He SHOULD be a horrible duelist who has a horrible first move, even in a GOOD story. Now, I understand that this is fanfic, not competitive play. I understand Heart of the Cards and everyone duels with cards they like, not just the best. Hell, I duel with Evilswarm/Banishing because I like it, not just because I love my Chaos Zone + Gold Sarcophagus + Necroface + Evilswarm Rank 4 XYZ Spam...

... Uh, sorry, kind of went off topic there.

But fucking hell, a Mechanical Snail, really? I can't even tell if the author is just trying to show what a dipshit Dusley is. Or does she really think anyone with half a brain would make this a good move? Even for anime standards...

Quote :
"My turn! I draw!" Hotaru said drawing a single card from her deck and smiling wider as she looked at her hand.

"I play the Field Spell Rising Air Currents and then summon Sonic Duck (ATK: 1700/ DEF: 700) in attack mode." Hotaru said giggling happily when the Sonic Duck showed up and gave her a small grooming with his beak as a strong wind current began to form.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Thanks to Rising Air Currents all Wind type monsters gain 500 attack points but lose 400 defense points." Hotaru explained to Dudley while Sonic Ducks attack skyrocketed to 2200 points, causing Dudley to gape unattractively at the rather powerful monster in front of him.

"Now Sonic Ducky! Attack his Mechanical Snail! Use Sonic Peck!" Hotaru ordered, giving a small sad smile at the Mechanical Snail as the Sonic Duck raced forward and gave it a vicious peck. The Snail was destroyed and the remaining damage came out of Dudley's life points.
... What the... the suethor... can write a duel!?

Quote :
Dudley: 4000 – 1400 = 2600 Life Points

Hotaru: 4000 Life Points.
And she fucking knows math!

... Ok that's probably too mean.

So, Dudley plays the card nobody would ever expect anyone to play! A sacred card, one that nobody EVER sees coming! A card from the depths of hell itself, one that has never been seen before in the entire history of Yu-Gi-Oh!

Quote :
"I draw and play my face down Pot of Greed!"

  

Quote :
"I activate my spell card Restructer Revolution!" Hotaru said causing one of the face down cards she had set to flip up, making Dudley blink he hadn't heard about that card before.

"By activating this card you take 200 damage directly to your Life Points for each card in your hand. The six cards in your hand means that you lose 1200 Life Points." Hotaru explained seeing the confused look on his face while his Life Points dropped again.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I can go ranting about how this isn't a quick-play spell and shouldn't be able to activate during Dudley's turn, but honestly, sometimes you just have to accept how people write duels in the YGO fandom, you really do. Sometimes they're strict with real life rules, sometimes not. In the original Duel Monsters anime (with Yugi and friends) you could activate Spell Cards whenever, so eh. At least this isn't completely disregarding everything about dueling. As boring as this may be, trust me, it could be a billion times worse. I was expecting it to be much, much worse. Trust me, I wanted this to be a huge spectacle with a million YGO Abridged-esque jokes about dueling, but everything is by the book.

So, ultimately, this isn't a hair-tearing duel, as much as it is a rather uninteresting and boring one. Which, while not the best for snarking, isn't that bad from an honest reading perspective.

So yeah, now Dudley's down to 1400 while Hotaru is still at 4000.

Quote :
"That poor kid never stood a chance. Hotaru-chan's a natural!" Marik said laughing at how badly the boy was losing to the wheelchair bound five year old.

  

ADMITTING SHE HAS NO BUSINESS BEING THIS GOOD DOESN'T MAKE IT OK

OR BRINGING UP THE FACT SHE'S A CRIPPLED FIVE YEAR OLD WHO'S SO GOOD

Dudley revives Sonick Duck with Monster Reborn. I'm not getting an image for that one ya'll. It just lets you revive monsters.

Vernon is scowling at Hotaru. Apparently he also got over Petunia's death fairly quickly and is focusing all his hatred over at Hotaru: you know, the usual. Hotaru casts Fissure to destroy the poor Duckie, probably the best character in this whole mess.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

RIP in peace Duckie :'(

Quote :
"Next I summon Cyber Harpie Lady (ATK: 1800 + FIELD Spells 500 =2300/ DEF: 1300 – FIELD Spells 400 = 900) in Attack Mode." Hotaru said summoning one of her favorite Wind Cards and grinning at how pale Dudley turned under the Cyber womans glare as said Cyber Woman gently patted Hotaru's head, being careful not to hurt Hotaru with her claws.

STOP FUCKING STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S CARDS HOTARU AND GIVE MAI BACK HER HARPIE RIGHT NOW

(Also don't question how holograms can physically interact with anything in YGO fanfics. Just don't.)

SO THEN CYBER HARPIE LADY ATTACKS and Hotaru won with a perfect game.

... What, were you expecting anything else?

Quote :
"Yay! I won! I'll take your two stars please!" Hotaru said grinning widely as she wheeled over to Dudley and held her hand out for the stars, beaming at him happily for being her first Duel of the day.

What Hotaru didn't expect was for Dudley to push her wheelchair over angrily, spilling her out onto the street harshly and breaking her arm in the process.

  

THIS IS IT
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE END
I'M NOT SHITTING YOU THIS IS HOW IT ALL ENDS PRE-REWRITE AND IT'S FUCKING OH MY GOD

That's how it all ends. Dudley breaks her arm. THE END.

That's all, folks! Sorry this all had to end on such a lackluster note! I'll find something else great for ya'll!

....... Or try to continue that pony thing. But I'd prefer something new over how boring that fic is.
Back to top Go down
hottienanako20

avatar

Join date : 2012-05-21
Age : 41
Location : I live in the US. Nanako lives in Kasukabe.

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:55 am

Quote :
"We are going to Japan for a tournament that Dudley is going to enter." Vernon began once the girl he still saw as a boy, mainly thanks to the baggy old castoffs she was forced to wear hiding her now feminine body,

First off, that sentence is really creepy; and, second, she doesn't have a feminine body yet. She's five.
Back to top Go down
Reidmar
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2010-01-10
Age : 26
Location : A string of Code in the Interwebz( IF living = true input ragequit)

PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   Sat Feb 15, 2014 4:10 pm

Battle Loli. Colbert I do not want.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar   

Back to top Go down
 
Harry Potter? NO! I'm Hotaru Hikari Ishtar
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Harry Potter deck
» Harry Potter Paper Piecing
» One Last Cold Kiss (A Harry Potter Fanfic)
» Harry Potter vs Narutoverse: Naruhina/Debunking NS arguments
» Harry Potter

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: