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 Ingenious Potions: A New F.U.C.K.E.R. fic

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SouthSimGal
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Join date : 2012-05-05

PostSubject: Ingenious Potions: A New F.U.C.K.E.R. fic   Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:45 pm

Hello, WGWers. Southy here. Those of you who have kept up with me know that I (somewhat) recently finished my [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] sporking. I ended that sporking with something of a teaser, indicating that I was going to spork another one of Fully Useless Cute-Kitten-Eating Riffraff's (F.U.C.K.E.R.) fics. The new fic was known as [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Funny thing, though: I didn't read ahead when choosing that fic. I just saw the summary and thought it would be good material. Little did I know what this fic would be like.

Oh, yes. It's bad. Plenty bad enough to spork. It's terrible. And yet...

Those of you who read Feisty Sentiment with me know that it juggles many hard-to-pull-off topics, and fails at them all, often in spectacularly offensive ways. This fic...

It's WORSE.

So. Much. Worse.

It juggles so many offensive topics that I've lost count. It treats serious issues as plot devices. It objectifies, simplifies, and warps characters to an absurd degree.

Skimming through, I found: god-parental rape, Stockholm Syndrome, mpreg, an mpreg miscarriage, mentions of child murder, anorexia, and diagnosed sociopathy.

And I'm only two chapters in.

Unlike the sick-yet-intriguing mess of Feisty Sentiment, there was NOTHING redeemable about Ingenious Potions. There was no entertainment to be found, no ironic humor to take, no lesson to be learned. You know how many people become writers because they want to "give something back" to the world? Well, Ingenious Potions did the OPPOSITE of that. It TOOK everything away from me. It drained me of life. It left me a genuinely WORSE person than I ever was before.

I do NOT wish that on any of you. If you insist, go ahead and read the fic. Hell, go ahead and spork it. Maybe you're funnier than me. Maybe you can make SOMETHING in this fic work. But I will not be sporking Ingenious Potions. I will not be READING Ingenious Potions. I will not be CLICKING THE LINK to Ingenious Potions.

So, because I don't want to completely mislead you, I am sporking a completely different work of F.U.C.K.E.R.'s, known as [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. That's right, F.U.C.K.E.R. is actually calling her fic a "beauty".

Well, let's not waste any more time! How about checking out the author's note?

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A/n: I have been in a Harrymort mood lately. This is only a one-shot

Ah yes, I forgot to mention this was less than 2,000 words long. This was a great contributing factor to my choice of fanfic. However, that is not my only reason:

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but I am in the process of trying to write a multi-chaptered Harrymort with a slightly different story line than this one which should grace your presence soon. Think of this as something to wet your taste buds until the real story is posted.

That's right; this is the Spiritual Predecessor to Feisty Sentiment. It was meant to "wet our taste buds". Now imagine for a moment: Feisty Sentiment was not only well-received, as we saw in its many positive reviews, but it was also ANTICIPATED. It was PLANNED. Now, imagine Feisty Sentiment, but minus all effort and storyline.

What you cannot possibly be imagining is this fic.

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Harry couldn't take it anymore and that's why he ran away.

That's our opening line. F.U.C.K.E.R., you just got started, and you're already out of commas?

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He couldn't deal with the lies, abuse, and pressure.

Care to elaborate, F.U.C.K.E.R.? What was Harry's breaking point? After all the shit he's gone through, what is making Harry want to leave now? Even if it's only a small straw that broke the camel's back, we still need to hear about it if we're going to understand Harry's character and sympathize with him!

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Why should he be forced to hate someone he was in love with anyway?

Yes, more of the "I'm in beautiful magic shiny rainbow sparkling divine twu wub with X because F.U.C.K.E.R. wills it." F.U.C.K.E.R. does realize that romance happens for REASONS, right? And that when writing a romantic story, these reasons need to be explained and explored in order for the reader to give a shit? Sure, plenty of PWPs can get away with "this pairing is happening now, lol", but this isn't a PWP. In fact, it doesn't have any smut at all!

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That is why Harry ran that night and why he never came back. The light lost Harry as their pawn and now the dickheads were just now realizing it.

Well, that's FUCKERverse!Harry's voice for you. One moment, he's flowery and eloquent, the next he's swearing like a sailor.

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With a black cloak that had a hood which covered most of his face, Harry apparated illegally into Malfoy Manor.

If Harry knows how to Apparate, then he must be at least sixteen. Just keep that in mind for the rest of the fic.

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Once Harry got passed the gate with some threatening then he went inside the massive home

WHAT?! MALFOY FUCKING MANOR is guarded, yet a "threat" convinces them to leave him alone?

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and used a 'point me' spell to locate his lover.

The FUCKERverse sure does have a lot of convenient spells.

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Harry's lover did not know that he was in fact Harry's lover which is why the man was so surprised when Harry entered his bedroom in the middle of the night.

Plot twist: Harry murders Voldemort.

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Voldemort was fast asleep in his king sized bed which he deserved because he was in fact king of the wizarding world even if most of the people were unaware of this rule.

Does he also like to eat cookie dough in his king-sized bed?

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While sleeping a most fitful sleep he felt his bed move and since he was a light sleeper he immediately awoke. Harry was sitting beside Voldemort's body in the green bed.

Don't worry, kids; this is perfectly safe.

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When Voldemort's eyes opened they widened in realization that his enemy was sitting right next to him.

"F.U.C.K.E.R., what are you doing here?! I thought I told you to leave me alone! I never did anything to you!"

"I don't want to hurt you, darling. Don't you see, Voldy? This is for your own good! You and Harry were meant to be!"

Besides his own mortality, F.U.C.K.E.R. is the only thing that can give Voldemort nightmares.

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Voldemort was about to grab his wand from beneath his pillow when Harry spoke.

"No need for violence love, I merely wished to see you." Harry whispered.

"Even though I've never once had a civil discussion with you, I am in wub! Please, let me be with you!"

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"I don't understand. You have me here right for the taking and you do not want to fight me. I would have thought you would be wishing for this opportunity all of your life why would you waste this chance now." Voldemort spoke.

"And why am I taking your word at face value? Am I even reaching for my wand at the moment? God, this scene is so poorly described."

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"I do not hate you that would be the reason why I have not attacked you. I you have not noticed all of the times we happened upon each other I never once attacked you. I merely only defended myself when your spells became too harmful for me not to take action against you.

Hm, what an interesting characterization of Harry. I've never thought about it, but I suppose that it is possible that Harry felt this way, since, after all, we had no access to his mind and feelings during all of his scenes with Voldemort-- OH WAIT.

WE DID. Harry had NO FONDNESS for Voldemort, and why should he? Voldemort killed his parents, as well as countless others. He's the leader of a movement comparable to the Nazi party. I'm a strong believer of the "no bad pairings" law, but if you want to write a fic about Harrymort, give us a reason to believe in the romance. At least try to convince us that these two give a shit about each other. If not, why should we give a shit about them?

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It might be hard for you to understand but I have fallen in love with you. I do not know when I started falling for you but now I am in deep and honestly, I do not want to leave." Harry explained.

THAT DOESN'T COUNT! Two characters sopping on and on to each other about how in wub they are does not a convincing relationship make!

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Harry reached out and lightly touched Voldemort's pale cheek with his fingertips, just as Harry was about to pull away Voldemort grabbed his wrist gently. Voldemort tugged Harry closer and the unexpected movement caused Harry to fall against Voldemort's chest. Harry smiled softly up at Voldemort and was granted with a kiss. The kiss seemed to last forever and when the kiss ended Harry snuggled into Voldemort's chest. Together the two fell asleep in each other's arms.

Sorry, F.U.C.K.E.R., I seem to have checked all of my shits at the door when I found out I would be sporking something you wrote.

Snip them falling asleep and then waking up in the morning.

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Harry whimpered and tried to buck his hips towards Voldemort's lithe body but Voldemort held Harry still. A few moments later their passionate moment ended when there was a knock at the door.

What passionate moment? Voldemort was holding him still, that's not passionate!

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"Sorry to disturb you milord but I have important information that would interest you." Severus said through the door.

"Go down to the throne room. I will meet you in a few moments." Voldemort ordered.

We're still in Malfoy Manor, right? So we're supposed to believe that the Malfoys keep a throne room around?

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When he heard Severus leave down the corridor Voldemort turned his attention back to Harry. Harry looked up at Voldemort with bright eyes. With a few more caresses and kisses Voldemort finally decided to get up out of bed. Harry sat up and watched Voldemort as the dark lord got dressed in clean black robes.

"Voldemort, do you mind if I come with you?"

"Do you really think that would be such a good idea Harry?"

"Probably not but since when have I ever had a good idea?

"Yeah, that's not convincing me at all."

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Please, I want to stay close to you and we have no idea how long this supposedly emergency meeting could take."

"I think I might be coming down with the uke-virus! I can't spend more than a few minutes away with you before my entire personality flakes away and is replaced by a grotesque lump of feminine stereotypes!"

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"Fine, you can come but I want you to wear your hood over your eyes so that no one can recognize you until I say so."

Alright, decent idea; after all, most Death Eaters wear cloaks that cover their faces, so no one will think oddly of-- oh, whoops.

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Harry went over to Voldemort and wrapped his arms around the dark lord's waist before leaning up and kissing Voldemort's jaw lightly. When Harry had pulled his hood down to cover half of his face the dark couple finally left Voldemort's private rooms. They entered the throne room in ten minutes time and were surprised to see more than just Severus.

F.U.C.K.E.R. was there, too! And she was masticating to them!

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Within the throne room stood Severus Snape, Sirius Black,

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Regulus Black

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Remus Lupin,

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Fenir Greyback, Rabastan Lestrange and Scabior. Voldemort went over to his throne and sat down while dragging Harry into his lap.

And that's not turning any heads.

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"Speak before I lose my patience." Voldemort ordered while Harry snuggled into his chest.

Shouldn't Harry be the slightest bit curious as to why no one is surprised to see Voldemort wrapped in a boy-toy?

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"My name is Sirius Black, Lord Voldemort and I found my younger brother Regulus here under a spell that caused him to be unconscious and close to death for many years.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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When I found him I revived him and since he is my brother I brought him back to you for I knew he worked for you before the spell controlled him. Regulus here has told me of your great plans and so I wish to join your ranks if you will allow me to do so."

WHAT GREAT PLANS?! F.U.C.K.E.R. is clearly trying to pass Voldemort and the Death Eaters off as good guys, so what makes them that way? What is Voldemort doing that would be any better than what the Light side has planned?

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Sirius explained and Voldemort noticed that the brothers were holding hands in a very romantic manner.

"Is there more than just a brotherly connection between you two?" Voldemort questioned.

"Yes there is. I hope that won't be a problem milord." Regulus said defensively.

"No problem at all I was just curious.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

WHAT THE FUCKING EVEN---

What is it with F.U.C.K.E.R. and incest?!

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After this meeting Sirius will be marked and welcome back Regulus. Who's next?" Voldemort announced.

"Milord, I managed to sway Remus here to join our side. He will help me keep control of all the wolf tribes as well as be a spy for us since he is in the order of the phoenix." Fenir Greyback publicized.

Oh yeah, because Greyback is the one with all the influence on Lupin's decision-making; after all, who wouldn't be excited to join the side of the guy that bit you as a small child, forcing you to become a monstrous killing machine every full moon, with no hope of a cure? I know I would.

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"Fine, the wolf shall be marked." Voldemort stated.

"While Scabior and I were doing patrol last night a wizard threatened our lives and stupefied us before we could do anything. We assume that the wizard is in the manor and wished to warn you in case he might bring harm to you." Rabastan explained.

At this point Voldemort was chuckling as was the mysterious wizard that was sitting in his lap. Voldemort did not know that Harry had gone through so much trouble just to get to him.

Mid-paragraph POV switch!

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Using their mental connection Voldemort congratulated Harry on a job well done. After a few moments of chuckling the two wizards finally calmed themselves and turned their attention to Severus.

Um, no one thinks it's odd the the two of them just visually and audibly chuckled at some very serious news?

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"Harry Potter has run away from his muggle relatives. The order has no idea where he is however I suspect he is the wizard that Rabastan and Scabior had an incident with last night because I could feel Harry's magic here." Severus said.

I guess everyone has a magical signature or something.

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Voldemort nodded seriously meanwhile on the inside he was laughing so hard he actually thought he might piss himself.

Go ahead, it's not like it'll make the fic any less sexy.

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Harry at this point couldn't take the meeting any longer and threw his hood off to reveal his identity to the death eaters in front of him.

Shocked, each Death Eater pointed their wands and immediately murdered him. In the confusion, one of the Killing Curses hit Voldemort, but it was okay, because Voldemort had already died long ago. All that was keeping his shell alive was the perverted will of a Suethor.

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Everyone gasped and without a seconds notice Harry was suddenly in the arms of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Knowing Harry as well as they did, they were able to tell this was merely a malevolent doppelganger, and ripped him to shreds in moments. Canon was restored.

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The two new death eaters explained to the dark lord that they saw Harry as their pup

More furry imagery!

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and so they constantly worried over the sixteen year old.

-Later that evening-

WHAT?! In a moment of suspense and conflict, you just switch scenes?! And there's never a flashback or anything, that's just it for the entire event. Look, F.U.C.K.E.R., when telling a coherent story, you have to carry scenes through, not just jump around whenever you get bored!

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The huge dining room table was currently filled with death eaters, Harry, and Voldemort. Tonight was apparently chicken and quesadillas.

Last night had been grilled cheese and the blood of their enemies.

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Each person's plate had two drumsticks and three quesadilla slices on their plates. Everyone was eating happily while whispering amongst themselves when suddenly Harry spoke up.

"Severus, do you think you can give me potion lessons even though I wont be attending Hogwarts anymore?"

"I am sure I can fit that in my schedule Harry."

"Thank you Severus you will be rewarded when my lessons for this year are finished. I will see to it myself."

"Although I don't have much now I am sure I can save up a hefty sum of commas to pay you with by the end of the year."

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After dinner Harry followed Voldemort into their private rooms. It had not taken long for Voldemort and the death eaters to get used to Harry's presence around the manor. Harry had spent most of his time around Voldemort but since Voldemort would be busy tomorrow Harry would be on his own which worried Voldemort.

"Oh dear, what if he runs around the house and hits his head on a doorknob? Or finds his way under the sink and drinks cleaning products? Oh, life's so different when you have a little uke to look after."

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Once they were safely in their rooms Voldemort went over to the bed which Harry was currently sitting on.

"Do you think you will be alright tomorrow?" Voldemort questioned worriedly as he pulled the teenager into his lap.

It's not the FUCKERverse if lap-sitting doesn't occur in every scene!

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"I am unsure of what will come tomorrow but hopefully I will be able to make some friends with the younger death eaters." Harry responded as he snuggled deeply into Voldemort's chest.

Oh, blech, more Stus? Well, I guess I'll see you next time on Just a taste: Harrymort beauty--

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The End

Wait, what? That's it? You're going to end it on a cliff-hanger like that?

Well, I guess I should be... glad.

And there are --you guessed it-- positive reviews. Five, to be exact (that is, if you count expressing disappointment at the abrupt ending to be positive).

I'm thinking of taking a break from Harry Potter for a while. After this fic, I need it.
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SHGCat



Join date : 2010-04-04

PostSubject: Re: Ingenious Potions: A New F.U.C.K.E.R. fic   Sun Dec 09, 2012 6:44 pm

Woooooow. This fic is....indescribable. I may have to do some parody artwork or snark of my own. O_O

I'm just hoping it's as batshit as Feisty Sentiment was. XD
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Kakashifan727
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Join date : 2012-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Ingenious Potions: A New F.U.C.K.E.R. fic   Tue Dec 11, 2012 10:32 am

It was pretty bad, but nothing so far can top FS. /this is just normal bad.
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