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 Omamori Joutei Rekidaishi Charm Lord Chronicles

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SeanyGenovese

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Age : 25
Location : Boston

PostSubject: Omamori Joutei Rekidaishi Charm Lord Chronicles   Mon Nov 26, 2012 1:22 pm

Some of you may know about this RPG series called SaGa Frontier, or Romancing SaGa, something equally nonsensical. The fates aligned in getting me SaGa Frontier for PSX when I was a kid, and I was entranced. Impressive visuals, compelling storylines that I could play over and over and never get tired of, difficulty that made it a worthwhile challenge, &c. SaGa Frontier II was good too but it got convoluted and at one point it got literally unwinnable.

Before I digress any further, yes, this is a fanfiction based on a little known game that deserved more attention, which makes it all the sadder that it's just goofy and unwieldy as using a wicker table to fight a brontosaurus. Since the title is just word salad due to plunking the Japanese phrase next to the English phrase, that gives you some insight into the author's own attention to detail, and consequently warns you that the narrative will be equally clumsy. Let us delve elbow deep into this poor use of language in chapter one, entitled "The Birth Of A Prince".

Quote :
Orlouge leaned back against the padded seats of the carriage, his arms crossed lazily over his

chest. Next to him sat Ildon and across from him sat Ciato.

And the audience waits with bated breath!

Quote :
"This traveling about bores me. I will be pleased when we reach Facinaturu..." Orlouge said.

Ildon sighed in response, finding the long hours riding in the carriage just as boring as his master

found them.

"It is indeed tiring Lord." Ciato agreed and Ildon shot the blond haired man a look of dislike

which Ciato returned with a smirk.

Hooray for not establishing the relationships between the characters at all!

Just a bit of backbone: Ciato is one of the henchmen of Orlouge (The Charm Lord). Ildon starts out the same, but later joins Asellus as a party member. I actually had to look these things up because I wasn't too fond of Asellus' plotline or skill building ability. I was more of a Blue/Red/T-260G guy myself.

Quote :
The noise of the horses quick hooves on the stone street

echoed outside the carriage and then all at once the horses gave an equine scream

What.

Quote :
an equine scream

Okay.

Quote :
and the carriage rocked and shifted, as though hitting something.

"Rastaban! What is that racket!?" Orlouge yelled as the carriage halted, pushing the curtains

of the windows aside so he could peer out to see Rastaban jumping down from his perch where

he'd been holding the horses reins to look about.

"Lord, there has been an accident.

Glad you cleared that up, because oftentimes carriage drivers like to rattle up the passengers for giggles. What are they paid for if not their ability to add some excitement to your nighttime travels? You were bored before, and now you're not. Some people just can't be pleased!

Some more clarification: Rastaban is Ildon's lover, and I suppose he also joins Asellus, making this game officially progressive due to having a gay couple operate like any other random couple. I always knew there was a reason why this game rocked.

Anyhow, back to the torture chamber with ye.

Quote :
A human ran out in front of the carriage and was crushed

under the horses hooves and the wheels."

You mean the parts of a horse carriage that could conceivably crush someone who happened to be in the way?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
For your listening pleasure.

Quote :
Rastaban said nervously, the reins still gripped tightly

in his right hand.

"What?!" Orlouge said, kicking open the carriage door and getting out, gazing back behind

the carriage at the human lying in a pool of crimson blood, their form illuminated by the bright

full moon overhead.

"Their" here being the broken carriage door and the human who the horses mercilessly mowed down while screaming... horsily.

Quote :
"Forgive me Lord, I couldn't stop the horses, they charged right over the human." Rastaban

tried to explain.

"My Lord, what are you doing?" Ciato asked, climbing out of the carriage as Orlouge moved

toward the crushed figure lying on the street.

Now, I'm not a terrific story writer myself, but am I the only one who was imagining all of this happening on a forest road or something? SantanaDarkAngel, a little bit of describing never hurt anyone except some Puerto Rican guy.

Quote :
Orlouge stared at the girl lying on the street, her

breaths were barely noticable as she lay unconsious, bleeding severly. Her face was severly

crushed in on one where her cheek had been broken, likely by one of the horses hooves, and her

legs and chest looked crushed where the wheels of the carriage had struck her. The girl wore the

simple clothes that most humans do, a light blue fleece jacket with a hood and pink shorts and

some tennis shoes.

I'm beginning to see why SantanaDarkAngel doesn't describe things more often: She's bad at it. Someone get her a thesaurus, because "severely", as she meant to say, is a fine word, but using it twice in a row is the mark of novice unparalleled.

Quote :
"She is alive, but only barely. Quite an interesting human, though her appearance might not

show it now she's quite exotic looking and very refined in appearance... In fact..." Orlouge said,

trailing off the last of his words and kneeling next to her, ignoring the way his robes quickly

soaked up the crimson blood that was pooled around the green haired girl.

Yes, quite an interesting human, even though she is, as the author mentioned, dressed like any other human. I suppose she is interesting if screaming horses decide to kick her face in upon sight, though that might be a sign that she's possessed or carries the power to cause earthquakes.

Quote :
"My Lord, you musn't sully yourself touching a human!!!" Ciato said, jogging over to stand

behind Orlouge who was closely examing the girl.

"Don't you know it's rude to examine half-dead people over your superior's shoulders?"

Quote :
Ildon nonchalantly climbed out of the carriage and strode to where his Lord and Ciato had gathered about the girl who was floating on the edge of life and death. Rastaban stood close to one of the large black horses, soothingly stroking the large beast's neck and gazing into the creature's huge glowing crimson eyes, ignoring the fact

that it's hooves were soaked in blood. Rastaban had a strong liking for the gorgeous mystic stallions of Facinaturu.

I would imagine that a horse driver normally prefers to ride with the breed that they are most fond of. In this case, gorgeous mystic stallions with a penchant for kicking girls' faces in.

Quote :
"I think... She will become my heir. She will make a fine Prince of Facinaturu! I will have to

transfuse some of my blood to her."

I don't mean to be sexist, but in my mind Prince connects with male. Keeping in mind, however, that this is Asellus' official backstory, and in the mystic world you are automatically a "prince", regardless of gender, I can't really snark it too hard. Thank your lucky stars that Squaresoft backs your tale, SantanaDarkAngel.

Quote :
Orlouge said and Ciato's eyes widened in rage.

"Charm Lord! You can't, you musn't! She's a human!" Ciato said, spreading his arms and pleading.

See how humans and mystics differ: Blue blood, and pleading gestures. Note that whenever a mystic begs you for something, they don't want a hug.

Quote :
"Ciato, do you dare question MY decision?!" Orlouge snapped and the blond haired mystic

shrank back from him, clasping his hands together and chewing his lip nervously.

"Indeed! You had best mind your words, Ciato! You know our Lord is always right!" Ildon

spat and Ciato shot an offended glare.

"Shut up, Ildon!" Ciato spat.

"Enough from both of you! I demand silence!" Orlouge yelled, cutting off Ildon's reply to

Ciato and silencing them both.

The clumsiness of the narrative makes even the worst She-Ra episode look like The Godfather.

Quote :
He held the palm of his left hand upwards and drew a small

ornate dagger from his boot with his right hand. He pressed the point of the dagger into his hand,

increasing the pressure until the blade penerated all the way through his hand and had slid

through the back. Ciato winced, looking away with distaste while Ildon watched his Lord's

actions intently. Drawing the blade back out he used the point to also cut an interesting looking

spell pattern around the deep wound, his hand covered now in his blue mystic blood. As he

finished he then held the dagger over the girl's chest and drove it downward, cutting into her.

Asellus then died, having already lost a lot of blood and haemorrhaging internally while Ildon and Ciato made faces at one another.

Quote :
Setting the dagger aside he pressed his palm firmly against the wound he'd made in her chest,

feeling the magic within his blood and mind ignite, the blue blood forcing itself into her human

veins, mixing with her crimson blood and changeing it to a shade of purple. As the blood

transferred the girl's body slowly regenrated, her crushed cheek, ribs, and legs repairing

themselves and her wounds healing.

Note how as SantanaDarkAngel completely shirks medical science (I know, I know, mystic magick, blah blah), her spelling gets worse. Also, which shade of purple? Lavender? Eggplant? This story lacks in chromatic specificity, and thus gets an F minus minus.

Quote :
"It is done. The Prince has been born." Orlouge said, scooping up the girl in his arms and

walking back toward the carriage. Ciato cast a glance at Ildon, knowing that with their extra

"luggage" they'd have to sit next to each other while the Charm Lord cradled the new sleeping

prince in his arms.

Meanwhile, Rastaban whispered to Ildon, "Someone get the Lord a band-aid. His bleeding hand's freaking me out, dude."

Quote :
Ildon sighed and rolled his eyes just slightly and climbed into the carriage

after Orlouge, sitting down on the seat opposite him and crossed his legs, letting Ciato be the last

one to get in and close the carriage door.

"Rastaban! Let's be off, we must resume our trip to Facinaturu!" Orlouge commanded and

the lean man who had been standing by the large horses climbed back up on the carriage

So what you mean to tell me is that Rastaban had been standing there fondling his horses while all that blood mixing went down? You'd think he'd at least be curious about the plum blood.

Quote :
cracking the reins and sending the horses cantering off into the night on the long path back to

Facinaturu.

And on the ride home no one mentioned to Orlouge that he was covered in what looked like mauve paint.

There's a second chapter entitled "The Theatrics Begin!", but I'd rather not sully my mystic eyes presently. These are the only two chapters, showing that SantanaDarkAngel realized the error of her ways and quit, rightfully so.

The quesiton on my mind is why even write about something that's already canon? This is fanFICTION. FICTION being the operative morpheme. Excuse me, I must write a fanfiction about Broly coming to life and beating Goku up.
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Omamori Joutei Rekidaishi Charm Lord Chronicles   Mon Nov 26, 2012 6:36 pm

Love this series. Confusing as hell though, never been able to beat SG1 with anyone yet.

I think the point was to show how they thought the idea would have happened had SE actually decided to put it in the game instead of alluding to it. I wouldn't be surprised if other game nerds do the same thing with unmentioned plot points in other games. Thank God they did not use this kid's fic as a script.
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SeanyGenovese

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Age : 25
Location : Boston

PostSubject: Re: Omamori Joutei Rekidaishi Charm Lord Chronicles   Thu Nov 29, 2012 2:59 pm

Kakashifan727 wrote:
Love this series. Confusing as hell though, never been able to beat SG1 with anyone yet.

Same here, though I did come closest with Blue. I only once got past being inside that giant monster's belly with Riki, only to have my data accidentally erased by my brother. So much squandered hardship...

But yes, being acquainted with this series and being a badfic (though "fic" is short in supply when what you're writing is just canon with bad dialogue) enthusiast, it was only natural that I would seek to reconcile these two desires to great results.
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