Mildly stupid lube choices

For a story I'm writing, I need two male characters to use something as lube for anal sex that isn't all that good a choice.

Any suggestions what they could use? It should be a mildly bad choice - works more or less as lube, and is not very dangerous or very unhealthy, but still not a good idea. More specifically, the bottom should feel uncomfortable and be unfuckable for a few days, but not be poisoned or otherwise in danger.

The story is set in Japan, so please keep that in mind as to products that would be easily available there. One of the characters is a mechanic, if that helps. Is there anything in a garage that could be used as lube in a pinch that isn't seriously unhealthy? Motor oil, grease and such would be very dangerous, I assume, though if anyone knows specifics I'd be very grateful.

Not soap, since that is, as far as I know, more uncomfortable for the top (dry skin on his dick for several days after).

I've asked around in a few other places, and someone suggested energy jelly, the kind you drink through a straw. Would that work? And what would be the consequences of that?

I want to go for the "they used what?!" funny effect if possible, though if anyone knows more details on "boring" choices like hand cream, I'd like to know those too, just in case I can't find anything funnier.

I've tried google searching this topic, but I only got lists of things that really shouldn't be used as lube at all, which is not what I'm looking for.

Peanut butter. It works, it's just not the most comfortable choice after it's all said and done.

Reidmar wrote:

Peanut butter. It works, it's just not the most comfortable choice after it's all said and done.

Especially not the chunky kind.

I would suggest conditioner, like for the hair. Some of them can work fairly well for lube, but it doesn't take much imagination to think many of them might NOT. One of them could be fine for a short while, and then starts to burn and itch. Since that's not an easy place to wash out... yeah.

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lol Thanks for the suggestions!

Strangely, this is the only place I've asked where no one suggested WD-40 as a lubricant...

WD40 wrote:

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no Chap-stick?

Shisaiga wrote:

Strangely, this is the only place I've asked where no one suggested WD-40 as a lubricant...

You only asked for "mildly" stupid.

Penguin wrote:

Shisaiga wrote:

Strangely, this is the only place I've asked where no one suggested WD-40 as a lubricant...

You only asked for "mildly" stupid.

So? People fail at reading comprehension - got "soap" suggested in almost every place, even though it's mentioned and vetoed in my question.

I'm mostly surprised that no one used this opportunity for TMI. Well, except for the "I farted bubbles for three hours!" guy.

Jello? It's cold.

How about somebody melts chocolate, and then finds out that melted chocolate is kind of like a delicious napalm - it sticks as it burns.

Or Marmalade?

How about my favorite? Peanut butter. CRUNCHY peanut butter.

They're men so they probably have barbecue sauce around somewhere. Use that.

Lard, Pam, Olive Oil, butter.

Honey, or agave nectar.

Motor Oil, Tobasco, Vasaline... oh wait. You meant only slightly stupid...

Thanks, trolls (and people). I already found a solution . It's stupid and hilarious, but not poisonous, since it's a kid's toy originally. Doesn't work as a lube at all, though people assume it would, because it is slippery

Braigwen wrote:

Motor Oil, Tobasco, Vasaline... oh wait. You meant only slightly stupid...

I thought Vasaline was supposed to be a good lube.....was I lied to about this?

Shisaiga wrote:

Thanks, trolls (and people). I already found a solution . It's stupid and hilarious, but not poisonous, since it's a kid's toy originally. Doesn't work as a lube at all, though people assume it would, because it is slippery

I had that. It was a bitch to clean up, and it stuck to paper. Make of that what you will.

EileenK98 wrote:

Shisaiga wrote:

Thanks, trolls (and people). I already found a solution . It's stupid and hilarious, but not poisonous, since it's a kid's toy originally. Doesn't work as a lube at all, though people assume it would, because it is slippery

I had that. It was a bitch to clean up, and it stuck to paper. Make of that what you will.

I did make something of that, actually! In the fic, there's a humorous scene where a friend helps the bottom dig green gunk out of his ass.