A Canterlot Rehash

Sporkbender Join date : 2011-05-16

It is surprising that there hasn't been an MLP fanfic featured on here, when Cupcakes, Sweet Apple Massacre and Rainbow Factory all got written. (The first was disgusting and kind of surprising, the second was disgusting and boring, and the third was gross and ridiculous). Now, however, it's time new ground was broken. Remember how awesome the MLP Royal Wedding was? Well, this turns it into something that makes Becoming Female look like MLP's pilot episodes. How bad was it? Subtract the downvotes from the upvotes and its final score was -113. It's so bad it was given two separate "CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKER" pictures in the comments section.

May Celestia, Luna, Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and Ron Raper be with us, as we look at...

"Me at the Royal Wedding" by dbzponyninja.

Plot sypnosis:

Quote :: I get invited to the wedding of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence and am supposed to help Twilight Sparkle oversee everything but why is Princess Cadence acting so strange?

I'd guess it's because she has to appear in this.

So, Chapter 1. Called (imaginatively enough) "part 1".

Quote :: This is the first me in Equestria story that i've wrote that takes place during an actual episode of My Little Pony

Quote :: This is the first me in Equestria story

You mean...there are going to be...more?

Quote :: All six members of The Mane Six were having a picnic at the fields in Ponyville Park when Spike came with two letters from Princess Celestia that he presented in the wrong order

Silly Spike. He should know that the "your car has been impounded" letter comes after "your car is being towed".

Quote :: he first letter read that they were invited to the wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

Who's she marrying? Prince Blueblood? Discord? Teddy Roosevelt? Ron Raper? Herself? (Actually, that might be the plan for the next series of My Super Sweet Sixteen.)

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle would be overseeing all the event along with me, who Princess Celestia and Princess Luna told them they contacted me recently and I would be there soon to meet them.

Wait, how did Stu get into Equestria anyways? Even the other bad Human-in-Equestria fics have some rhyme or reason. Here, he just shows up out of the blue. At least Shining Armor had a backstory.

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle read the letter and shockingly said "she's marrying my older brother why didn't he tell me this is person?"

person?

So after they go to Canterlot (and I quote "Twilight sang the Big Brother Best Friend Forever song") and meet Cadence and Shining Armor (who still speaks like a stoner)

Quote :: that was when I showed up.

Wait, how did he know about Twilight singing when he wasn't there?

Quote :: I said "hey Twilight I heard that were both wedding planners in charge of overseeing your friends prepare for the wedding?"

And at this point, Princess Cadence removed her disguise, and said, "Nope. Screw this, I'm going home. I'm not conquering Equestria if it means having to put up with a self-insert Stu."

Quote :: Shining Armor said "hey Twilight is this the human you told me about?"

But why did this human end up in Equestria with no explanation or backstory? DOES...NOT...COMPUTE!

Quote :: I said "that's me, you must be Twilight's older brother Shining Armor, it would nice meeting you I hope you and your wife have a wonderful wedding tomorrow."

And guess who shows up with Twilight to gatecrash the rehearsal.

Quote :: After going around seeing how Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity were doing with their assigned jobs for the wedding we noticed that Princess Cadence was being mean and rude to them but when we tried to tell them about it they said "I think the two of you are overreacting and besides she's probably stressed out about the wedding tomorrow."

I'd be cranky too if I was forced to appear in such a pile of horse apples.

Quote :: We then went to Shining Armor about it but before we had a chance to tell him anything Princess Cadence showed up and told him that she wanted to talk to him in private "Look, we need to talk"but of course with Twilight Sparkle being an overprotective and concerned younger sister and me just being curious we listened in on there conversation.

"So, you got the weed?"
"You know it."
"Then let's do this."

Quote :: Shining Armor said"I guess I am- ah!" while holding his head in pain.

"I really shouldn't have cleaned out Princess Celestia's supply of bourbon last night..."

Quote :: Princess Cadance said with a worried expression on her face" Oh dear, are you getting another one of your headaches?"

Well, that's what hangovers are like.

Quote :: Me and Twilight Sparkle said "she's not just rude and unpleasant she's downright evil."

Wait, they said it at the same time? They must hath telekinesis!

Quote :: As me and Twilight Sparkle went to tell Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Rarity they were all wearing fancy dresses. Fluttershy flew right up to me and Twilight and said "can you believe it the five of us have been chosen to be Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's bridesmaids."

I can. After all, even if I hadn't watched the episode, I'd know from the fact that this is a completely recycled script.

Quote :: Me and Twilight then asked them at the same time "what happened to the old bridesmaids?"

"They all got drunk with Shining Armor last night. He covered his tracks well enough, but Celestia sent them to the moon and now Luna's yelling at her because they've been throwing up everywhere and she had to hide her stash of Moonshine..."

Quote :: Later tonight at the wedding rehearsel

You mean later that night? Later tonight announces something about to happen, such as "Later tonight on Equestria TV, it's Becoming Female 2: Ron Raper's Revenge."

Quote :: "Hey... has anypony seen Twilight and Evan?"

Meanwhile, two floors below, Twilight and Evan reclined on a couch, surrounded by beer bottles, takeaway pizzas, and DVD boxes containing Nicolas Cage films, and engulfed in Marijuana clouds so thick that entering the room would cause you to get stoned for a week.

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle said "i'm here! I'm not gonna stand next to her, and neither should you!"

"I saw her at that Tea Party rally!"

Quote :: " I'm sorry, I don't, I don't know why she's acting like this."

Well, we're gonna find out one way or the other...

Quote :: Princess Cadance said "maybe we should just ignore her."

The first sensible thing said in this fanfic.

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle said "you have to listen to me.

"I have made a very impartant discovery. You see, Ron Raper...is sexist!"

Quote :: "oh goodness! Are you okay."

"Just Run! I drank Father Jack's booze, and he's on the warpath!"

And from down the hallway...

"DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! ARSE! FECK! DRINK!..."

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle said "i'm fine."

Yes, and I'm Teddy Roosevelt.

Quote :: Applejack asked her "Ya sure about that? "

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle said " I've got something to say, she's evil!"

"No I'm not! You're SEXIST!" replied Crystal Potter.

Quote :: I saw her put a spell on my brother that made his eyes go all crosseyed and weird looking."

"That was the Marijuan-oops."

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle replied to Cadence's question by saying" because you're evil!"

Cadence cursed, and started yelling repeatedly about how somebody called Fegelein was probably to blame.

Quote :: " you want to know why my eyes went all crosseyed? Because ever since I started having to perform my protection spell, I've been getting terrible migraines.

The nightly binge drinking sessions haven't helped either.

Quote :: Cadance hasn't been casting spells on me, she's been using her magic to heal me!"

Yeah, but you don't want to OD on them, or you become addicted.

Quote :: " and she decided to replace her bridesmaids because she found out the only reason they wanted to be in the wedding was so that they could meet Canterlot royalty,and if she hasn't been on her best behavior with your friends, it's because with me being so busy, she's had to make all the decisions about the wedding!"

I still think she's really Enony, infiltrating Canterlot to ensure it stays free of preps.

Quote :: And you can forget about being my best mare. In fact, if I were you? I wouldn't show up to the wedding at all."

"And just to make sure you don't see it, I'm going to disconnect the internet in your room, put parental controls on Youtube, and flag all the Royal Wedding episode uploads for copyright under Hasbro Inc!"

Quote :: Applejack said "C'mon, y'all. Let's go check on the princess."

"But the princess is in another castle!"

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle started to say "but I was-" but before she could finish talking Princess Celestia told her in an angry tone " You have a lot to think about" as she slammed the door in anger.

Managing to slam it on Evan's foot in the process.

Quote :: I stayed behind to comfort a crying Twilight Sparkle.

Wait, where did he pop up from? One moment, he's not there, the next, he's there out of nowhere! Can he teleport or something?

Quote :: "yeah but if you were there to hear the song about the relationship that me and my brother had before I moved to Ponyville nearly two years ago you would know that me and my brother have never done that before."

Except that this is in the first person, and we hear the descripton of Twilight singing the song.

Quote :: I then told her don't worry about, everything will turn out alright, i'm sure you're friends and brother and Princess Celestia have forgiven you by now."

Just then, seven voices from the other side of the door shouted, "No we haven't! Also, you don't use an apostrophe for the possessive unless its the third person!"

Quote :: Me and Twilight went to apoligize to everypony for the way she acted but just then Princess Cadence stepped through the door.

"Did you bring his weed?" asked Twilight.
"You know it."
"Then let's do this."

Quote :: Princess Cadence then made an evil smile and said "you will be" as she casted a spell that surrounded me and Twilight with green fire that surrounded us and teleported us to the underground crystal cave beneath Canterlot. Princess Cadence's grayish purple eyes glowed green for a second as she watched me and Twilight Sparkle disappear and laughed evilly.

Did they go down, down, down while the flames went higher?

Quote :: To Be Continued

Tune in next time when Self Insert continues to contribute absolutely nothing to the plot.

Subject: Re: A Canterlot Rehash Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:36 am

GeorgeUK wrote:: It is surprising that there hasn't been an MLP fanfic featured on here, when Cupcakes, Sweet Apple Massacre and Rainbow Factory all got written.

Not sure if I should do Cupcakes or one of its many spinoffs. Maybe both. Either way, there will be brightly coloured cartoon blood. Thanks for the idea, George.

Sporkbender Join date : 2011-05-16

Chapter 2, which is called part 2.

Quote :: for all the future me in equestria stories that take place in actual episodes

Future? As in...there are going to be...more?

Quote :: Me and Twilight Sparkle woke up in the underground crystal cave located beneath Canterlot.

"No, no, no, we should have taken a right turn at Albuquerque!"

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle asked herself "where am I?"
Princess Cadence replied back ":The caves beneath Canterlot, once home to greedy unicorns who wanted to claim the gems that could be found inside. And now, your prison.

Also, for just five bits per head, guided tours are available between 10am and 4:30pm every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Quote :: Me andTwilight Sparkle shouted" Help! Help!"

Oh God, they've run into Father Noel Furlong!

Quote :: "It's no use. No one can hear you. And no one will ever think to look for you, either. Most ponies have forgotten that these caves even exist. Which is why they are the ideal place to keep the ones who try to interfere with my plans. [laughing]

"Wait, why did you say 'laughing' just now?"
"Because shut up."

Quote :: Me and Twilight Sparkle asked her " Plans? What plans?"

"Stop taking in unison, it's bugging the hell out of me!"

Quote :: Princess Cadance replied " The plans I have for your brother, Shining Armor of course."

She's going to trick him into kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse?

Quote :: Twilight Sparkle said " Don't you dare do anything to my brother, you... you monster!" I agreed even though I just met him and didn't know him for long."

And you kinda gatecrashed his wedding rehearsal.

So, after they discover the real Princess Cadence ("ofcourse they don't know that at first")...

Quote :: "Twilight Sparkle go get her, I don't fight girls unless it's in a fighting game because I know it's fictional and would never hurt someone of the opposite sex in real life."

Great, so now he's turned into Peter Perfect.

So, as we all know how the episode goes for the next few scenes (and Evan somehow knows that Fake Cadence is singing the This Day Aria)...

Quote :: The imposter revealed her true form by turning into Queen Chrysalis the queen of the changelings.

Well, that was anticlimactic.

Quote :: Queen Chrysalis looked like a half alicorn, half insect, half zombie creature.

And then she took off her mask. She was Ron Raper!

Quote :: Queen Chrysalis said while laughing evily "Right you are, Princess. And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects."

"Well, why the hell didn't you go to the McDonald's two blocks away? You know, the one between Burger King and KFC!"

Quote :: Shining Armor was too hypnotized to say anything.

There's the marijuana again...

Quote :: "Ah, ah, ah.,don't want to go back to the caves, now do you?" "Ever since I took your place, I've been feeding off Shining Armor's love for you." "Every moment he grows weaker and so does his spell." "Even now my minions are chipping away at it."

Is she talking to herself?

Quote :: Queen Chrysalis said " soon, my changeling army will break through." "First, we take Canterlot and then, all of Equestria!!!"

And then we take over the world!

Quote :: Princess Celestia trotted up to Queen Chrysalis and said while touching horns in anger "no you won't you may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I can protect my subjects from you!" Princess Celestia then fired a magical sun colored laser at Queen Chrysalis who clashed it with an evil looking magical green laser and surprisingly won.

Well, that was anticlimactic. Still, I guess Chysalis will have to give herself a prrromotion!

Quote :: All six members of The Mane Six came face to face with an army of changelings that disguised themselves as The Mane Six. So Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight Sparkle punched and kicked and slapped their imposters until Pinkie Pie used Twilight like a gatling gun by holding her as she hit them with the same reddish pink laser that she hit the crystals in the crystal cave with and finally Pinkie Pie used her party cannon from Season 2 Episode 9 Sweet and Elite as a weapon. When The Mane Six finally got to the place that Princess Celestia hid The Elements of Harmony it was surprisingly taken over by another changeling army.

Well, way to un-epic an epic fight. I can only assume Evan has been locked in Father Jack Hackett's used underwear hamper.

Quote :: Princess Celestia was trapped upside down in a cocoon

Upon which hung a large sign reading "DO NOT DISTURB UNTIL THIS TRAINWRECK IS OVER" (MLPwikia already did the "how's it hanging" joke)

Quote :: and Princess Cadence hooves were tied down to the floor in a slime like substance.

I really hate people who leave their chewing gum on the pavement.

Quote :: Princess Cadence said "you'll never get away with this when Twilight and her friends come you'll be sor---

Now she knows how Union General Sedgwick felt when he told his men that those Confederate snipers "couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"

Quote :: but before Cadence could finish saying sorry they were led into the room by Queen Chrysalis's changeling army.

"We found 'em trying to sneak their cars out of the impound lot without paying the fee."

Quote :: Queen Chrysalis laughed evily and said "You were saying?" "You do realize the reception's been cancelled, don't you?" Go feed[laughing]

Wait, who's she telling to go feed? The Mane six? The changelings? The preps?

Quote :: Queen Chrysalis then sang This Day Aria Reprise.

Thankfully, it seems our author has refrained from copying the lyrics.

Quote :: Shining Armor and Princess Cadence then performed the protection spell but the force from when the force field bubble hit Queen Chrysalis and not only the changeling army in the ball room but all the changelings that were destroying Canterlot to be forced out of Canterlot and someother unkwown location."

So that's what caused the smears on the windows of Sexist Cooper Advertising.

Quote :: This also freed Princess Celestia and the captured royal pegasus guards as well as captured citizens of Canterlot and the ones visiting from Ponyville that were overpowered and tied up by the changelings. After all that me and Twilight Sparkle and The other five members of The Mane Six went to prepare for the real wedding of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. I asked Rarity that even though I don't really like suits I asked her to make one for me after she got done making Cadence's dress.

And Luke blew up the Death Star, the Nazis' faces melted off, and Ron Raper got eaten by the giant squid.

WAIT A MINUTE! Where was the self-insert while the fighting was taking place?

Not much left to go on that differs from the episode, except that Evan backchats Luna when she shows up, ruining the "did I miss anything?" joke in the process. I hope he enjoys his millenium on the moon.

So what do I think?

I think it's absolutely dire. It's worse than "Spike goes to Sugar Cube Corner" and that was just a copy+paste of "Dipper goes to Taco Bell" I hereby call it the. Worst. Possible. Thing. Multiplied by five. (Also, we need MLP smilies)

Tune in next time for "The tail of pRince Martin Willis", which is, as Rarity so eloquently put it...

on fimfiction.