BBC hates Kindle, Part 1: From Nerd to Gay Werewolf

The Kindle is wonderful. It’s a place Bleachy can store all her favorite pre-1920s novels to read while riding the bus. Sadly there is only so much stuff that one can read before they go into the Kindle store to see what else they can get.

Bleachy has now paid for and read about threesomes with twin werebears, women coming under the spell of warlocks and finding their true love, and a nerd being bitten by a werewolf that also turns him gay. Yay, go 99 cents and under books!

Fuck you all. I’m sharing my pain. If you REALLY want to read this story it’s free on Amazon. Also, I may or may not have been drinking halfway through writing this, so the humor will not be that great. Or edited.

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“Dude did you see The Show Attacks last night? I TOTALLY saw Bolivia Dunn’s nipple”

“Yeah, I saw that shit on 4chan!”

“Oh, speaking of 4chan….”

This.

This is how our story opens. With people talking about 4chan because they’re nerds. How can we tell that they’re nerds? Because we’re told so of course by our hero, a 5’2” neeeerrrrrrddddd!

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All his friends where as nerdy and lame as he was, but they seemed to have all the fun at the college parties. Not a one of them have had sex yet, but they have fun hitting on women that despise them. He’d much rather spend his time studying so he can graduate and find a women willing to deal with him in exchange for his money. Or maybe he’ll luck out and actually find someone who likes him, but who are we kidding?

Our hero. Thinking ahead to how he’ll buy a Playboy bunny someday. And how no ones loves him because he's such a nerd.

We get everyone’s height, hair color, and that they’re all nerds. They’re nerds and unlikeable. Who wants to read about sex between people we might like?

We then get a hour by hour tour of Jame’s life. He goes to class, skips a class, watches porn in the computer, reads superhero comics, and takes a shower. Lucky for him the shower room is emply, but all he does is shower.

This is very well paced. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

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The woods behind the school have always given James the creeps. There’s been rumors of people being attacked by wild dogs or wolves there, and yet the frat assholes keep holding every party out in the middle of the trees.

Glad to know that College of I Give No Fucks hasn’t decided to fence in the forest of crazed attacks so parties can be had by all.

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It had been his goal to never go to one, but part of the college experience is suffering through shitty parties.

“Hey wanna go to a shitty party with me?”
“I don’t know man…”
“Come oooonnnn you need to have at least one shitty party a semester!”

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He hears the parties before he sees it, many whoo-hoos and whoops echoing through the trees.

Man are the trees getting it one tonight.

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The clearing is larger than expected, and there’s about a hundred people getting drunk and making out.

James sees his friends playing a trading card game which isn’t named because whoever wrote this doesn’t want to be sued or have to come up with something.

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“Is this what you assholes do at every party?”
They greet him happily, clearly already drunk.

Aww, look the nerds are having fun playing a card game in the middle of a drunken orgy! Isn’t that sweet James? I mean you were just complaining how they always hit on women in parties. Hell, I bet after a bit the jocks will join in and everyone will be friends.

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Pissed and fuming, James grabs a beer and walks away from them.

Or you could walk away pissed off because... your friends aren't trying to hit on people?

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James doesn’t see it, but he’s being watched. Two football players have had their eyes on him since he arrived. They nudge each other and nod, and follow him as he exits the clearing.

For some odd reason walking around the forest while drunk on one beer and James gets mauled by two wolves. Hmm… two wolves… two football players.. Hey did the pack eat those two?

James passes out, because he’s a neeeeerrrrrrrddddddd and nerds are only good for being whiny little babies that look at porn. Aww, was the ittle nerd scared by the two giant wolves coming at him?

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Helping James up, the football player player slings his behind the shorter boy’s back to help him walk.

I can’t help but see this as the guy rubbing his ass all over Jame’s back to help him move.

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“My name’s Bowen, by the way.” James looks up into Bowen’s hazel eyes, a strange feeling growing in the pit of his stomach.

James froathed at the mouth before going for the throat. It had been a quick acting rabies that police had throught had been contained inside of an apartment building.


James doesn’t notice the giant wound on his arm. Bowen has to tell him about it before our hero went “oh yeah… those wolf things must have done it. Eh.”

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The nurse comes out and screeches a little bit at all the blood coming from him.
“What happened?!”
“I got bit in the woods.”
A look of disapproval and annoyance washes over her face. “How many of you kids have to get hurt before you stop going out there?”

Holy fuckign shit! How many kids have been mauled in this forest? Don’t you think it’s time to hire someone to clean it out, or make it into a parking lot?

James looks into the mirror and we all realize that he’s been bitten by a radioactive wolf. It has given him bigger muscles, an ablity to be attracted to men, and a want to birch his friends out when they ask him about anything.


There is yet ANOTHER party in the woods that night. Hey, what’s a little mauling when it’s time to PARTY?


James gets pissed off at his friends for playing card games again, bitches them out for not talking to women, and goes over to stare at Bowen.

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“Hey, why don’t you follow me? I want to show you something.”

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When he realizes what he’s doing, he freaks out and pushes Bowen away.
“What the fuck is happening to me?!”
“Shhh it’s ok. Just give into me. It’ll be better this way.”

Yep, it's time for "It's not rape if I'm a werewolf!" rape! With bits that some might find sexy.

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The stronger man's hand slowly moves down Jame's back, cupping his asscheek and squeezing.

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Each bite is followed by a lick by Bowen's rough, slimy tongue.

Mmmmmm slime.

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he moans as he feels the passion in his balls build up.

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The large man drops to his knees, so he can be eye to eye with the monstrous man meat in front of him.

"Are you going to treat my James right?" growled the man meat as it took yet another swig from it's flask.

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He feels his asscheeks spread, and then something warm and slippery in his asshole. He realizes with a moan that it's Bowen's tongue, getting him ready to get rammed.

Nothing makes me hotter than the thought of someone licking inside another's ass! Or the word ramming.

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Bowen's cock gets buried deeper and deeper within his bowels until it finally reachs the end.

"Ooooh yes!" James whimpered (like the pussy neeeerd he had been before) "Right in the gallbladder!"

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As he cums though, the fire completely takes over him, and he begins to change. His eyesight becomes better, as does his sense of smell. His arms and legs grow both in mength and in muscle.

The gaybies have gotten to him! Now we'll have to put the poor boy out of misery.


It just... stops there. No "HOLY FUCK I'M A WERWOLF?!?!?111" or anything. Just the two guys turning into wolves.

This isn't the most horrid book I've found for the kindle. However it was short, I don't want to do a long book without brushing up on my sporking skills, and I figured that with a title of "From Nerd to Gay Werewolf" I HAD to spork it.

I'd ask if it would make more sense if I had the whole thing to read, but... somehow, I think it probably makes MORE sense when this truncated.

Also, could you link to the Kindle book?

Here you go, like I said I was kinda drunk so my sporking is horrid. I would also like to point out how... wonderful the cover of this is.

Oh wow the "book's" actual name is From Nerd to Gay Werewolf. What the fuck.

I know, right? That was my thought exactly.

Also:

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Roxie Feurouge is a 23 year old housewife, not yet a mother, living in a pleasant town called Garden City. While during the day she is like a timewarp back into the 50s, at night she's a sexy vixen who enjoys letting her wild side show through her fiction.

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Oh wow the "book's" actual name is From Nerd to Gay Werewolf. What the fuck.

Hey, at least it's honest about what's going to happen in it?

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grmblfjx

Oh you think that one is bad?

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After his mother had split with a trucker two years prior, Austin had taken his mother's place in his step father's life....
Austin cooks for Hank. He cleans the house for Hank. He washes his step father's clothes. There is only one womanly duty thing that Austin does not take care of....
On Austin's 18th birthday, Hank decides that it is now time for his step son to service all of his needs....

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In this sequel to the Amazon Gay #1 Best Seller: The Substitute Wife, Hank and Austin Conroy have left their small town in Missouri for Cedar Rapids. Dominant Hank has now married his submissive, Austin. The newlyweds face an indecent proposal as well as a dangerous foe.

This erotic novella is 11,000 words. This work contains graphic sex, as well as, bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and other elements of sexual fetishes and fantasies. All characters in this erotic novella are 18 years or older.

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the Amazon Gay #1 Best Seller

Okay, yes, that's awful. But what I was quoting wasn't a plot, it was the author's bio for the story you're sporking. Roxie Red-Fire?!

DOMINANT HANK LOL

Now I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween.

grmblfjx wrote:

Okay, yes, that's awful. But what I was quoting wasn't a plot, it was the author's bio for the story you're sporking. Roxie Red-Fire?!

Oh, sorry. I didn't even know she had a bio.

Shouldn't have clicked that link. No, Amazon, I don't want any gay porn!

I'm sending the link to this to my son. He got a Kindle two years ago for Christmas, and upgraded to a Kindle Fire last year. I'm sure he'll be thrilled he can now get the sort of cheap, sleazy porn that was previously only available in Adult Book Stores in an electronic format.

Are you serious? What the hell? I know this is about a month old, but damn...How can Amazon sell this stuff without getting backlash? How do these people actually make money off of this stuff? WHY would you want to read it?

Oh God...Now I have an idea. And I don't like it.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Here you go, like I said I was kinda drunk so my sporking is horrid. I would also like to point out how... wonderful the cover of this is.

OMG! The cover! The cover! The way the nerd is sticking out his tongue is just, well. You need to click for the larger image or the preview of the novel to get the full horror.

But then, oh then, I decided to check out her other available titles and I broke out laughing: The Bike that Fucked Me (Dildo bike m/f public sex exhibitionism erotica) by Roxie Feurouge and Michael Darling (Oh no Darling! No!); 50 Shades of Dust (Virgin BDSM billionaire maid erotica)...

It's like someone going onto BDSMlibrary or literotica, cut and pasting random fanfics into kindle, and then trying to charge money for it.

You'd think she'd end up with better material by pure chance, then. :/

The bike that fucked my childhood, brought to you by, the looney toons!

Reidmar wrote:

The bike that fucked my childhood, brought to you by, the looney toons!

Just about the time I think I've encountered pretty much every sexual fetish that humanity could invent, someone manages to come up with one I've never heard of before.

Do people lie awake at night thinking these things up? Because if so, they obviously need a stiff dose of Nyquil. Or maybe chloroform/.

I got morbidly curious and downloaded something called--I think it was 'Mayfield Marriage' or suchlike--and in the opening scene the main character (or what we're led to believe is the main character) is shaken awake from a deep sleep, fed laudanum (opiate)-laced milk, and is brought before her brother and some old French-speaking stranger, evidently for the purpose of being married off. This man expresses displeasure at the fact that 'she is not fifteen, as you promised'---and asks how old she is---yeah, she just turned twelve. Twelve. And what does stranger-man say to this? More or less:

'Oh well, if my son isn't too drunk let's wed them anyway.'

The son--a boy of about fourteen, maybe fifteen--is dragged in and sure enough he is drunk, and sobbing to boot. The MC can't understand what he says except that the word 'Father' comes up a lot, and eventaully he starts ranting in English about how his father has lots of bastard children, gets slapped in the face, and the girl starts to daydream about how he will be sent away on a ship for three years and she won't see him again. Endchapter.

Next chapter: New MC outta fuckin' nowhere!

I haven't been drunk enough to read any farther yet.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Just about the time I think I've encountered pretty much every sexual fetish that humanity could invent, someone manages to come up with one I've never heard of before.

But you aren't even new to the internet.

There used to be a website that was set up like a book, or maybe it was scanned pages from an actual book, I don't remember- but it was so lovingly crafted... it was really pretty. And it revolved around the love story between a girl and her bicycle, and by "love story", I don't mean a fade-to-black at the end.

It seems to be gone, though. That made me sad. :/