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 Karala

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MasterGhandalf



Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Karala   Fri Oct 12, 2012 8:22 am

There’s a certain genre of Potterfic that misses that the entire point of the series was that Harry defeats Voldemort by being a better person rather than a more powerful wizard, and so load him up with superpowers out the wazoo. It tends to go hand in hand with another genre that, disliking the canon Dumbledore, either demonize him, make him totally incompetent, or both. This fic- titled “Karala” (link here: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ) which is rather unhelpful if you’re unfamiliar with the contents- is one of those.

Unlike the last fic I sporked here, I’m thinking this isn’t a troll, or at least is better at hiding it- it’s not nearly as randomly weird, and the spelling and grammar mistakes are within a more tolerable level, though neither is good. What it does have is a bizarre AU starring massive amounts of noncanonical magic, no opening to insult or humiliate Albus Dumbledore left unexploited, and a trio of alleged assassin Sues and Stu, of which Pod!Harry is not even the worst.

Sporking with me will be Vin, heroine of Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn trilogy and a magical assassin herself, who is less than pleased with this fic’s treatment of her profession, to put it mildly.

We open to a theater empty except for two figures sitting in the front row- a blurry humanoid outline that is MasterGhandalf, and Vin, a slight, dark haired young woman in black who is glaring darkly at the blank screen. After a few moments of waiting, the screen crackles to life and the following words begin to scroll across it:

A/N: First 1 and two chapters suck..cos they were written years ago. So well...chapter 3 & 4 starts to sound better in my opinion..so if you don't like the first two chapters please continue on reading cos chaps 3 and 4 are much better. I swear. :D

MG: You know, I’ve read fanfics (and published books, for that matter) that get much better as they go along or in later volumes, but… when the author admits it flat-out, and the admission itself is so poorly-written, I think we have a problem…

Vin: Well, the self-awareness is there, at least.

Unnerving green, amber and blue eyes stared back at him.

Vin: Floating eyeballs are generally unnerving, yes.

MG: I’ve heard of starting in media res, but this is ridiculous. I feel like we’re missing a paragraph at least.

Hostility was obvious,

Vin: Yes, I’m already feeling rather hostile to this entire thing.

and Albus Dumbledore wondered if enticing the help of the students of Karala was a good idea. All three teens were trained as assains, and he knows that blackmailing will only get their co-operation for so long.

Vin: *bemused* “Assains”?

MG: And that’s not the last time we’ll see that typo, either. Or the random, often mid-sentence tense shifts, for that matter.

Vin: Why does he even need to blackmail them, anyway? Most assassins work for hire. Then again, I’m not even sure I want to know how one hires “assains”.

MG: Whatever you choose to call them, these people do work for hire as later chapters make explicit, which makes the blackmailing particularly weird (and no, it’s never explained what Dumbledore is blackmailing them with). Trust me, though, this thing misses no opportunity to Dumbledore-bash.

Vin: Lovely.


"We accept your terms for now, but we will not fight for either 'Light' or 'Dark',

MG: Umm, “Dark” is a capitalized affiliation in the Potterverse, but “Light” isn’t. It’s immaterial in any case, because by agreeing to work for Dumbledore you’ve pretty clearly chosen a side (not that the war against Voldemort is ever going to be important or anything…)

we will guard the school and as guards, not students. Have you got that?" Sara's silky, cold voice filled the room, her amber eyes sparkling with defiance.

Vin: No. Girl, you are being blackmailed- I don’t know what with, but Dumbledore plainly has something on you. That means he has power over you. Openly antagonizing him? Not smart. Lie low, do what he wants, don’t make him suspicious- but keep your eyes open, and then turn the tables on him as soon as you have the opportunity. Wait, that’s what an *assassin* would do. You, however, are an *assain*. Do continue.

"Yes, your quarters will be assigned to –"

"That won't be necessary, we have places to sleep." This time Kate had interrupted, a casual smirk stretched along her pretty features.

MG: I’m starting to hate these people already. Note to author- you want people to like your heroes, don’t have them smirk after everything they say or do. Of course, Draco Malfoy has his legions of fans, so maybe I’m just missing out on something… nah.

"Where will you be staying then?"

"That is not your concern." Harry replied, the once boy-who-lived

Vin: Implying he’s dead, now? You’d think he’d have stopped walking around.

MG: More to the point, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? How did Harry end up at this Karala place instead of Hogwarts, why is he now an “assain”, who are these Sara and Kate people, when are we, what about all the things that happened at Hogwarts in canon (this is during sixth year, we’ll later learn), why does the school need protecting, and- ARGH! NOTHING IS EXPLAINED! It’s like reading Steven Erikson, except he actually gives his readers enough information to figure out what’s going on if they pay attention and is (usually) good enough to keep you interested long enough to do so!

And no, none of these questions will ever be answered satisfactorily.

now glared back with clear defiance at his parents old headmaster. Albus slowly wondered if he was making the right decision by blackmailing them but soon dismissed the thought, as he could never be wrong.

MG: No, Dumbledore is usually pretty self-aware about his own fallibility. Harry thinks he’s essentially infallible in the earlier books, but by the time books five and six came out Dumbledore was pretty upfront with Harry about his own mistakes. This was published about a month before book seven came out, so the author should be well aware of that!

"Alright then."

"Good." They stood up as one and before Albus had anytime to talk or even move, they gave him a slight nod and walked casually out of the door.

MG: This, of course, is just the beginning of seeing three teenagers consistently be disrespectful to and be portrayed as far more awesome than the greatest wizard in the world. This author is *really* into humiliating Dumbledore, though we won’t see the worst of it starting until next chapter.

Albus was left, staring after them with a slight wistful expression on his face. He wondered deeply to himself whether or not he was doing the right thing for the last few days but he soon dismissed the worry because the great Albus Dumbledore could never be wrong.

Vin: Author, you’re getting repetitive. You’ve established already that your Dumbledore is an arrogant fool of the highest order. Establishing it again is…

MG: Tacky? And see above note about Dumbledore and admitting mistakes.

The three teens meanwhile was making their ways towards the forbidden forest. Changing into their animagus forms, Harry changed into a big black panther with startling emerald eyes, Sara changed into a graceful cheetah, amber eyes blinking reproachfully at Kate. Kate shot her a glare before changing into a huge lion and they all ran off into the midst of the forest.

Vin: Of course they all got the most impressive animagus forms. I don’t know much about… Potterverse… magic, but isn’t this supposed to be a rare ability?

MG: Yes, and you don’t get to choose what animal form you get. All three of them being pretty, perfect big cats is just bleh, though hardly the worst of this fic’s offenses to canon’s magic system. By the way, the Forest is forbidden for a reason. Say hi to the arrogant, territorial centaurs and ravenous, homicidal acromantulas for me, Sues and Stu.

Arriving in the midst of the forest, Sara changed into her other animagus form, a phoenix.

MG: NO! Animagi in canon get only one form, and it’s always a mundane animal, never a magical creature. A phoenix is almost unbearably Sue-ish and self-important. Sara, you’ll begin to see shortly, is easily the most overpowered and insufferable of this merry lot.

Chirping at her two friends, they hurried and held onto her tail and she flamed them to Karala. Arriving at the entrance to Karala, they displayed their robes and using a signet ring, were allowed entrance into the school.

MG: See, Karala is *so* much better than Hogwarts, the students get *signet rings*!

Vin: Wait, displayed their robes? Wouldn’t wearing them be more practical? Of course, the scene with Dumbledore does become much more amusing if I’m imagining the three of them completely naked for the whole thing. No wonder he was so wrong-footed!

Passing a number of their fellow classmates, they gave them a dismissing nod and kept on their paths. Their robes billowing behind them.

MG:Is there anyone these people aren’t rude to? (The answer, of course, is no). By the way, that’s a horrible sentence fragment.

Sara spotted her group of friends and with a short nod to Kate and Harry, she left to join them again. Soon Harry and Kate also broke their powerful trio with Sara and left to their separate friends groups.

Vin: Powerful trio? Really? Even the narration is singing their praises!

MG: Note the implication that they’re not actually friends. I’m now going to assume that these “friends groups” don’t actually exist and they got flung together simply because nobody else could stand them.

Sara

Vin: Why is her name just floating in the middle of the page?

MG: I think it’s supposed to indicate we’re now in her POV- except that there’s no other indication that the perspective has changed at all, and the author never does it again. Let’s fall back on the standby for this thing- the author thought it would be cool?

"Hey guys, wassup?" she asked, pushing her raven hair out of her face. Her friends updated her on what had happened in her absence;

'Headmaster wants to see you the minute you get back, your snakes are getting bored waiting for you, sis is kinda mad at you for that prank, Dumbledore is so gonna be sorry for blackmailing you and the minister is now made aware of our part involvement in the war.' Jodie said,

MG: Holy flood of useless exposition, Batman! None of this stuff except the brief reference to the headmaster comes up again. We still don’t know what Dumbledore blackmailed them with.

Vin: What’s a “part” involvement in a war, anyway? Did you fight in exactly half the battles? In my experience, you’re either involved in a war, or you’re not.

Sara nodded and they quietly began to discuss whatever that came to mind. Soon Kate and Harry joined them and some of their friends joined the 'popular' group as well.

MG: As the Alpha Sue, of course Sara’s friends are the most popular.

Vin: Sara is beginning to remind me of someone I knew. I hated her. I killed her. I’m seriously tempted to give Sara here the same treatment. Maybe that will snap everyone else out of it.

MG: Nah, Kate or Harry would just take her place. Save your strength. You’re going to need it later…

Soon laughter filled the hills of Karala and many new students heads turned to see who dares to laugh out loud now that the 'esteemed' headmaster is present.

Vin: Wait, when did he show up?

Soon all heads were facing them and they all watched on as Headmaster Krill made a beeline to the huge group of students.

MG: Behold, the headmaster of Karala, the magic school that is so awesome Hogwarts only wishes it was like it, the man who presumably is responsible for training magical assassins so powerful they can get the better of Albus Dumbledore, the mighty- Krill. Might as well call him “Headmaster Shrimp” and be done with it! Thank you, author, for ensuring I can never take this character seriously.

Everyone else looked on in amazement as the group separated to stand behind five exceptionally pretty girls and one gorgeous guy.

MG: Of course they’re all gorgeous. Can’t have anyone outshining the Sues/Stu, after all. Where’d the three extra girls come from, though?

"Hello headmaster, I hope Kate, Harry and I haven't missed anything of importance in our absence?" the girl in the middle asked, a smirk stretched on her face.

Vin: Lord Ruler! They’re even rude to their own headmaster, who is presumably a master assassin in his own right or he wouldn’t be running this place! Well, that certainly explains their attitude towards Dumbledore, if Professor Shrimp here puts up with this behavior.

"No Sara, you didn't, did the mission go smoothly?"

"As smoothly as can be hoped." Another girl replied, with the tiniest twitch of her lips, showing off that she was struggling not to smile.

"Then what are you doing back here?"

"Oh, we just wanted to spar a bit, hope you don't mind us borrowing a room?"

"I have a better suggestion, you three, three on three now in the training arena."

"Yes headmaster." They chorused, totally evil grins on their faces.

They separated off to separate changing rooms and everyone else made haste to the training arena, those who has not heard about 'Unique' yet, was curious why so many teachers and students were looking towards the arena with such apprehension but anticipation as well.

MG: You’d think if the arena was such a big thing, the students would all know what it was for. [/b

[b]]Vin: And what is this “unique” thing, anyway?


MG: Honestly? No idea. It’s like the author has this whole setting mapped out in their head, but can’t actually bring themselves to explain it to the reader because they’re too busy gushing about the awesomeness of their Sues/Stu.

After an hour, the girls were prepared.

Vin: Harry, however, was in his room, passed out drunk on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit.

They entered the arena, wearing simple muggle clothing. Sara wore loose black pants, a white tank top and had her long raven hair tied back into a high ponytail. Kate wore black leggings, grey short sleeved top and had her hair kept off her face using a grey headband.

MG: At least they’re all dressed somewhat practically for fighting, rather than doing it in some over-the-top beautiful/sexy outfit like Sues frequently do.

Vin: Wise choice. I’ve fought in ballgowns before, and by the time it was done, I had a destroyed rag that used to be a gown. They could probably stand to cut their hair shorter, but this is the first sign of professionalism I’ve seen from these people.

Harry wore dark pressed track suit pants and a white short sleeved shirt.

MG: So apparently Harry was one of the girls after all. Make of that what you will.

Headmaster Krill set the rules; they were allowed to use whatever weapons and powers they have but they are not allowed any unforgivables or use anything that could seriously kill you.

Vin: So they weren’t allowed to use whatever weapons and powers they have, then.

MG: And keep your eye on the “seriously kill you” part while reading this fight scene. Remember it, because the characters sure don’t.

The minute the whistle begun, some of the new students expected them to rush straight into fighting but to their upmost surprise, they stood staring at each other, no one backing down. Suddenly and without warning Harry threw a fireball at Kate and the battle begun.

MG: Let’s keep track of all the potentially lethal moves here, shall we? 1.

Sara kept to herself using shielding spells whenever a random spell or element was thrown her way. Suddenly and without any warning at all, Kate and Harry lunged into attack at Sara. She had no time to come up with any shielding spells so she decided to let her elements come into play. Putting up a massive air globe that surrounded her, allowing no spells, curses, hexes or elements to get through, she sent a mild tsunami wave at her friends who had no choice but to take to the air and remain there until she draws the tsunami power back to her.

Vin: Now, I could be wrong, but aren’t Potterverse wizards incapable of unaided flight?

MG: Voldemort and Snape excepted, they are indeed. Of course, they don’t throw around elements like mad either, so we’re not in the Potterverse anymore, Toto. Oh, and a tsunami sounds like it could kill you. 2.

Keeping her shields and tsunami in place, Sara threw two daggers at her opponents and both moved away just in time to avoid getting nicked in the throat but not soon enough to avoid getting a scratch or cut on their skin.

MG: 3.

Kate now has an unfortunate deep cut on her thigh and Harry has a mildly deep cut on his left arm. Now the new students understood why so many people were so apprehensive, they realized that not only are they highly trained in physical fighting; they control the elements and also have a magical core.

Vin: Magical core?

MG: Don’t ask…

It also startled them to understand from what they were hearing that, that particular display of power was nothing more but a chance at intimidation and that they have not even come close to using their true potential. Before anyone had time to react, Kate sent a hell-wave towards Sara and Harry who worked together using their air, water and earth elements to create a shield around themselves to protect against the up coming heat wave.

MG: I have no idea what a “hell-wave” is, but it sounds nasty. 4.

Everyone who controls if the smallest bit of elemental magic, felt the power behind that heat wave. Everyone held back a shiver at the dark magic that Sara then used to gain control of the wave, doing a particular dark magic chant, she unleased her fire element and combining it with the dark magic, and she turned the hell wave back onto Kate who had no choice but to shield herself against it until the wave wore off. Everyone thought that Sara would draw of the wave but she continued using it and battling at Kate's shield. Kate finally let out a cry of annoyance and let her two elemental animals come through her powers, a magnificent killer whale and an lovely great eagle bird and all the animals let out a war cry and they consumed the hell wave before lunging into attack at Sara. She instantly changed into her animagus form of a dragon.

MG: Good God! Elemental magic, summoned elemental animals (eagle bird is redundant, by the way), “hell waves”, dark magic, and a third animagus form that’s a dragon? I think we’ve reached critical mass of sue-per powers here!

Letting out a cry she took out the whale in one breath and she and the eagle began a battle of wills. Finally, after twenty minutes of intense spells between Kate and Sara's animagus form,

Vin: Intense spells we’ll never see, by the way. Twenty minutes is rather lengthy, too- most real fights are shorter than you’d think. This, then, is obviously some bizarre interpretive dance.

Kate's eagles (El) and Sara's animagus form,

MG: Yay redundancy!

Sara sent one last burst of magical energy and they all fell backwards due to spell backlash. El instantly disappeared and Kate knelt on the ground recovering her strength.
Suddenly Harry, and without any warning, sent multiple curses and elemental magic towards Sara, who had no chance than to dodge it.

MG: These curses aren’t specified, but the combination sounds pretty horrible. 5.

She finally decided to let her powers overwhelm everyone and Harry, Kate and a number of the spectators all fainted at the amount of power used in the spell. Sara won, but she was breathing heavily. Everyone else who haven't fainted looked on in awe, because it was a great show of power but everyone was surprised at the look of anger on Headmaster Krill's face.

Vin: Ah, yes, the Sue is just so wonderful that everyone has either fainted or is in awe.

MG: And why are the audience surprised Mr. Shrimp is angry? They all blatantly broke the rules he laid down!

And I was saving this for the end of that fight, but this… this is not Harry Potter magic. At all. Apart from the terms “animagus” and “dark magic”, there is absolutely nothing to connect this to Harry Potter magic, and even they don’t seem to be the same things as they are in canon. This is some unholy fusion of the Codex Alera (I’d say Avatar: The Last Airbender, but Alera has summon-able elemental spirits in animal shape and Avatar doesn’t), Dungeons and Dragons, and Dragonball Z. I have nothing against any of these, but they don’t belong in Harry Potter!

Sara turned her head to face the crowd and then muttered a really loud 'shit' when she saw Krill making his way straight to her. Now an argument began. "Sara, what did you do that for?" he asked.

"Do what for?" Sara replied, even through she'll be in a lot of trouble, she can't resist defying the headmaster once again. Her friends held back their groans knowing just exactly what Sara was planning to say.

MG: Can this girl be polite at least once in her life? Ever? I can’t help but think that this is the author’s attitude about how a “cool” person should react around authority figures, but guess what? Sara doesn’t come off as cool. She comes off as an arrogant, self-righteous jerk!

"Why did you use such a large amount of power when you knew you can win without wavering at all?"

"Because headmaster, I decided it'll be a good chance to try my hand at intimidation of your school."

MG: Your school? Isn’t she a student there? It’s her school too! Why is she trying to intimidate them, beyond “it makes her feel good?”

Vin: This girl… is not… an assassin. Assassins don’t showboat, we work in the shadows. Assassins don’t show off all our tricks to potential rivals, we downplay them so that they’ll underestimate us. Assassins kill people, we don’t fight in arenas to show off how awesome we are. Sara, you’re not an assassin, you’re some horrible Lord Ruler-damned combination of gladiator, preening peacock and performing monkey.

MG: Well, make that peacock, monkey, and Super Saiyan. [/b

[b]]Vin: What’s a Super Saiyan?


MG: You’re probably better off not knowing.

"That wasn't necessary Sara, what if Voldemont attacks now?"

MG: Voldemort. With an R. It’s not hard. This is, I believe, the only mention of him in the entire fic, by the way.

Vin: I take it that not including this Voldemort person is an oversight?

MG: Well, assuming he’s powerful right now, based on the fact he might attack (don’t even ask me to work out the timeline here)- well, it’d be a bit like writing a story in your world without involving the Lord Ruler.

Vin: (flatly) I see.

"If he attacks now, I'll gather my strength from the elements and anyway, I'm not tired, so if you'll excuse me, I'll like to go for a run."

MG: Yes, you read that right, Sara is just so special that she’s totally casual about possibly fighting the freakin’ Dark Lord.

"Dismissed, be more careful next time."

"Yes headmaster." Sara said and apparated away. A lot of the spectators looked around in surprise because Karala is like Hogwarts, no one should be able to apparate away in Karala so they thought she did. But actually all Sara did was put a invisibility spell on herself and quietly crept away.

MG: Then why did you say she apparated? This is supposed to be her POV, though you’d be forgiven for forgetting that.

She ran around the track for around another 2 hours without breaking a breath. She then headed off to the hospital wing and found her friends awake but not at yet full magical reserves.

MG: Magical reserves. Potterverse wizards don’t have “magical reserves”- they don’t really seem to deplete their energies unless they cast spells nonstop for hours. I’m not sure what Sara, Kate,
and Harry are, but they’re clearly not Potterverse wizards. Of course, we see in later chapters that the Hogwarts faculty (the students never really get involved, thankfully) use essentially the same magic as in canon, so this whole thing is just an exercise in Sara (and Kate and Harry to a lesser extent) Is Better Than You, which is really, really annoying.


Vin: As a character created by an author known for his elaborate, detailed magic systems (and as a practitioner of one of them)- let me just say that I’m so glad my fandom is small and produces very little fic. I shudder to think what the fanbrats would do to my allomancy.

Also, I hate Sara with all my being and before this mess is over, I will find a way to track her down and finish her, for making magic-using assassins everywhere look like stuck-up, self-obsessed twits.

Once they've gotten to full magical reserves and Sara got thoroughly chewed out by the headmaster, they returned back to Hogwarts where school have yet to begin.

MG: And on that grammatically-incorrect note, we end the first chapter of “Karala”. What is Karala? Apparently a magic school that trains assassins, not that it ever bothers to explain that. Why did Harry go there instead of Hogwarts? Who knows. Who are Sara and Kate? They might as well have sprung fully grown from the head of Zoose, patron god of badfic and spelling errors, for all the backstory we get. What new ways to humiliate Albus Dumbledore and his staff will the author come up with next? You haven’t seen anything yet…
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SouthSimGal
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Join date : 2012-05-05

PostSubject: Re: Karala   Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:44 pm

The description of this thing is sporkworthy in and of itself...

Quote :
AU. Harry ignores his Hogwarts acceptance letter and goes to Karala. Gets trained as a assassin.

Meets up with Sues. Destroys canon. Speaks in fragments.

Quote :
IndependentHarry,

Yeah, because if there was anything wrong with canon!Harry, it was his willingness to trust and rely on his friends and allies. I mean, c'mon, who makes a character like THAT?

Quote :
ManipulativeDumbledore

I love how the Stuthor(as impressive as his Sues are, I'm getting a bit of a male vibe here) acknowledges that this isn't canon!Dumbledore, it's his manipulative counterpart. It's like he's admitting that everyone is hopelessly OOC.

Quote :
No parings so far.

Well, I should hope nobody's been pared, let's save that for the actual assassination scenes!

Quote :
Chapters 1 & 2 suck..but I swear, Chaps 3 on wards is much better.

Oh yeah, and this whole "I-wrote-these-forever-ago-so-be-nice" thing is just silly. If you know they suck, and 3 and 4 are so much better now that your writing has developed, rewrite the damn things!

Great sporking, though. I doubt I could've gone through with such a dense fic. Can't wait to see more!
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MasterGhandalf



Join date : 2010-05-20

PostSubject: Re: Karala   Sat Oct 13, 2012 4:53 pm

Here we are again, ready to spend another fun-filled session with our favorite “assains” as they show off How Much More Awesome They Are Than You, denigrate the canon characters at every turn (especially Dumbledore and to a lesser extent his staff, though aside from Snape and McGonagall they’re portrayed as a faceless lump), and explain absolutely nothing about who they are, what Karala really is, or why Dumbledore wants them here.

@SouthSimGal, I was a bit torn myself on what the author’s gender is. I thought female initially, because of how Harry gets shoved into the background for Sara, who I’d taken for a self-insert, but events in later chapters have convinced me as well that this person is male- it’ll be pretty obvious, I think, when we get there. Thank you for the kind words, and on with the show!

Dis:

Albus: I'm glad storme06 doesn't own us.

Harry: Why? Afraid of letting everyone know that you've grown senile?

Albus: One hundred points from Gryffindor for inappropriate comment at a teacher.

Sara: Too bad Storme06 doesn't own you huh Harry?

Harry: Yeah too bad, it'll be great to give Dumbles what he deserves.

MG: And so the Dumbledore bashing begins in earnest with this bizarre disclaimer. Do you even need one of those for every chapter? I’m assuming “Storme06” was the author’s name at one time, but it’s not anymore, making this whole section nearly incomprehensible.

Vin: And since the author, whatever their name may be, is about to give “Dumbles” what they think he deserves *anyway*, issues of ownership are a bit of a moot point.

A/N: Sorry, I made probably a dozen spelling and grammar mistakes. So if I made any, just tell me. Please? puppy dog eyes

MG: Considering you make no real effort to correct that as we go on (even the allegedly improved later chapters are only marginally better) I can’t say I’m in a forgiving mood. The uncapitalized and unpunctuated puppy-dog eyes bit does not help your case.

What happened last chapter

"Yes headmaster." Sara said and apparated away. A lot of the spectators looked around in surprise because Karala is like Hogwarts, no one should be able to apparate away in Karala so they thought she did. But actually all Sara did was put an invisibility spell on herself and quietly crept away. She ran around the track for around another 2 hours without breaking a breath. She then headed off to the hospital wing and found her friends awake but not at yet full magical reserves. Once they've gotten to full magical reserves and Sara got thoroughly chewed out by the headmaster, they returned back to Hogwarts where school have yet to begin.

MG: A “previously on” segment is totally unnecessary on a site like ff.net where you can just flip back with a click to remind yourself what you missed, and in any case, re-typing the last paragraph verbatim is not the way to do it.

Vin: And trust me, I already experienced this once, and it’s no more bearable the second time.

Arriving outside the Great Hall of Hogwarts, they decided that a grand entrance should be in order.

Vin: A grand entrance. Really? As I’ve said before, you people are not assassins, no matter what your protests to the contrary. If an assassin wanted to impress someone with their entrance, they’d sneak in unnoticed and then reveal their presence at the opportune moment, not burst in with powers blazing!

MG: Ah, the Batman approach.

Vin: I don’t know who this “Batman” person is, but he obviously knows what he’s doing more than these cretins.

Touching upon her air elemental, Sara made sure there was a long lasting cold breeze blowing through the great hall. Kate then dimmed the lights and Harry produced an air of magic and elemental magic around them and they burst through the door. Sara was secretly glad that he had added a few shield charms to their little bubble of magic otherwise they would probably be stunned, petrified, broken bones and the works.

MG: It seems that in this context “grand entrance” translates to “show off non-canon powers, potentially fatally”.

"Enjoying our entrance?" Sara asked, scorn dripping off her words. Getting a no response from the teachers, Sara relit the Hall, let her elemental run free and turned towards the professors with a smirk stretched on her features.

Vin: Sara, you haven’t changed a bit. I’ve missed you so much… wait…

MG: Consdering that its an *air* elemental letting it run free would probably kick up a windstorm in the middle of the Great Hall. Yeah, that’ll make the staff willing to trust you with their security, rather than shipping you back to Karala in a heartbeat.

Quickly doing an aura scan, she was quiet surprised that a few professors, Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall had actually enjoyed their little performance.

MG: Snape and McGonagall, probably the two most serious and uptight teachers in the school, enjoying this little exercise in ego stroking and pointless destruction? Hardly. Of course, as we’ll begin to see, this author doesn’t hate all of the Hogwarts staff, but can’t write *any* of them in-character.

Vin: What is an aura scan, by the way?

MG: Something that has no place in Harry Potter.

"I hope you do not plan on this kind of entrance all the time?" Dumbledore asked, having recovered his previously calm expression and the renowned twinkle back, although not yet at full strength.

Vin: Wow. Who knew that there was a *gauge* on eye twinkling?

MG: More to the point, Dumbledore never loses his cool unless his students are being threatened or he’s just been force-fed horrible, hallucination-inducing potion. Let’s start a count, shall we? Character Assassination:1.

"Oh course not, just thought you should be warned of exactly how much power we have. Headmaster." Kate replied, with a some-what evil smirk on her features.

Vin: Oh, if it’s only *somewhat* evil, that makes everything okay.

"Good then, I had an idea. I would like you three to create a duelling club to improve our students' defences."

"I don't think so. This is not what we agreed to." Harry replied.

Vin: The man. Is. Blackmailing. You. At least in the short-term, your best strategy is to play along! We’ve been over this before!

MG: Why is Harry so opposed to the idea, anyway? I’d have thought that the chance to show off for the peons of Hogwarts would appeal to these people!

"If you're sure, then I'm sure that your 'friends' wouldn't mind being let on to your little secret then." The staff members recoiled back in horror at the fact that Dumbledore is blackmailing the students of Karala to do what he wants, whilst Sara, Kate's and Harry's mouth was pulled back into a soundless snarl.

MG: After reading this paragraph several times, I *think* Dumbledore is the one speaking here. Dialogue tags are your friend, author. In any case, Dumbledore isn’t that blatant a manipulator and his staff trusts him- if they do disagree, they do it in private, as we see from Snape about hiring Lupin in Prisoner of Azkaban. Let’s add two points for that, then. Character Assassination:3.

"Fine, we agree and we choose the terms." Sara snarled at the headmaster, anger clearly written on her face.

"Of course, would like to join us for dinner." Although it was said as a question, it was quiet clear to everyone there that it's an order and they had better obey them.

Vin: It was said as a question, which is why there wasn’t a question mark. Yeah, the author is really trying to improve their writing, aren’t they?

"Of course headmaster, thank you for inviting us." Kate said with a too sweet smile on her face. Kate sat next to Snape, Sara between Snape and McGonagall and Harry next to McGonagall.

MG: Wow, those seating arrangements were so riveting! I’m so glad to have that information!

They started to eat the food that appeared in front of them, barely sparing a glance at the professors they were sitting next to. Once dinner was done and the plates have been vanished, Dumbledore spoke.

"So Sara, what do you prefer to do in your spare time?" he asked.

"Oh the usual." She replied, a careful neutral look on her face.

Vin: This is actually fairly good strategy. If someone has already shown an inclination to use your secrets against you, you should definitely be on guard against revealing anything more.

MG: Enjoy it while it lasts. Things are about to get much, much worse.

"Like?"

"Hanging out with friends, reading, quidditch, running, sparring, duelling and that's about all."

"Oh, ok, so tell us about Karala."

"What's to say? It's basically like any other school."

"What topics do you cover there?"

"The usual, Defence against the Dark Arts, care of magical creatures, charms, potions, transfiguration, muggle studies, divination and all ministry approved subjects."

"How do you keep fit then?"

MG: You know, I don’t think that wizards are all that concerned about physical fitness, since apart from Quidditch Hogwarts has nothing really resembling a PE program.

"We train, depends on what kinda job we want, assains train in all areas, Aurors focus a lot on magic, healers on their healing ability, seers on divination and so on."

Vin: And, our favorite typo returns!

MG: The description makes no sense by the way. I’d think assassins and aurors would probably need very similar skills, they’d just use them differently. Healing and divination are both forms of magic, so there’s no reason to separate them out like that. Healers and aurors in canon are highly specialized wizards who need more training after school (though this might just be to show off how much more awesome Karala is) and being a seer is an inherent ability that training doesn’t really help with, which is why Trelawney’s class was such a joke even though she was a real seer.

Of course, as we’ve already established that this author doesn’t give year-old hippogriff droppings about the canon Potterverse, none of this should really come as a surprise.

"Is that all?"

"Duh, what did you expect?" Harry asked from beside Snape,

Vin: Wait, wasn’t he beside McGonagall?

contempt in his words and an mocking smirk on his face. Dumbledore said nothing but decided to try some subtle leglimens

MG: One, that’s spelled wrong. Two, a legilimens is a person who can read minds. The actual power is called legilimency. Three, author, are you actually *trying* to make me hate your alleged “heroes”?

on Sara only to be pushed out of her mind so quickly and forcefully that he slammed into the wall behind him. Every single teacher looked at him in surprise. Sara stood up in anger followed by Kate and Harry.

MG: Now, in canon, blocking someone’s legilimency just denies them access to your mind (and I always got the impression that a really good occlumens, like Snape, could feed you false information as well). Therefore, I can only assume that Sara threw Dumbledore back purely out of spite. The fact that she *could* toss around the greatest wizard in the world with no apparent effort earns another point. Character Assassination: 4.

"You do know that it's against the law to use leglimens on someone without permission I hope and I also hope that you realise that no one is above the law, not even you." She snarled, anger spilling off her in waves. Her magic aura which was hidden until then manifested to its true strength.

MG: It’s never said anywhere in the books that legilimency is illegal. Snape, at least, is implied as early as the first book to use it on people all the time (Harry explicitly mentions getting the feeling that Snape can read his mind). It’s probably highly *rude*, but he wouldn’t care about that (for that matter, neither would this Dumbledore, and if Sara gets mad about rudeness, she’s a hypocrite of the highest order).

And magic aura? Power spilling off her in waves? This *is* Dragonball Z!

"My girl I was just trying to see if your school was teaching anything illegal, I was just concerned." Dumbledore replied, trying to redeem him self to his staff. He then tried another leglimens, thinking that Sara is currently too angry to keep her shields up and thus he was met with ultimate surprise. He was blasted into the wall even further and Sara grew angrier.

Vin: The summary promised a “manipulative Dumbledore”. This Dumbledore is an incompetent clown. I know a scam when I see one, author, and I have just been scammed!

MG: Okay, Dumbledore having to “redeem” himself to his staff, trying a technique again that he knows doesn’t work, and getting blasted into the wall again? That’s three points. Character Assassination:7.

"The first time could be counted as curiosity headmaster, but doing it a second time cannot." Sara said quietly, but every single word was heard in the quietness of the Hall. Sara's control on her temper was close to snapping and realising this, she stalked outside where she let her anger loose. All the teachers followed at a run, dismissing the headmaster's health to see just what would Sara do.

MG: Dumbledore’s staff is- with the exception of some of the Defense teachers- quite loyal. They wouldn’t abandon him just to watch some girl they barely know lose her temper. Character Assassination:8.

They were met with a terrifying sight; the grass was charred and she had power bellowing around her like a cloak in the wind. Her hair was flying in all directions and her eyes were glowing a brilliant golden colour. In her left hand, a fireball was growing larger and larger and brighter and brighter. Whilst in her right hand a combination of water, earth and air elemental was glowing brightly creating an orb. Using the last amount of control Sara had left, she quelled her fire elemental and then together with Harry and Kate, they used their earth elemental and to the teachers' surprise, they regrew the grass and trees that Sara's fire had burnt. Turning to face the professors, Sara's face was once again its natural mask.

Vin: Author, contrary to what you might have hoped, this little display has not convinced me that Sara is a terrifying badass I should respect. It has, rather, convinced me that she is a petulant child who can barely control her own power.

MG: And note how Harry and Kate immediately fix the damage she did. We can’t have her actions actually have consequences, after all.

"Sorry about that, but I'm sure if anyone's mind got attacked, they'll be just as mad, right?" Sara asked. Everyone knew it was a rhetorical question so no one said a thing but the majority of the professors were nodding in agreement. Sara then suddenly disappeared in flames. The professors let out a gasp of shock.

Vin: I’ve had my mind attacked. I was mad, but haven’t ever destroyed all the plantlife around me by losing control of my powers. See my previous comment.

MG: Well the teachers should be surprised, since it’s repeatedly and emphatically stated in the books that you can’t apparate to or from Hogwarts, and while Sara is a phoenix animagus (gag) she shouldn’t be able to use that form’s power of travelling through fire while human.

Harry seeing this replied;

"Don't worry; she'll be back before school starts."

"Are you sure?" McGonagall asked.

"Positive."

Vin: *as McGonagall* Damn! I was sure we were rid of her…

"Then where will you be staying?" asked Snape.

MG: Because when I think of those who are always the first to be concerned for others’ wellbeing and living arrangements, Severus Snape is always at the top of the list.

Vin: I’ll assume he just wants to keep an eye on them so he can dispose of them discretely at the proper time. It’s what I’d do, and from what I understand, it would be fairly in-character for Snape as well.

MG: You know there’s next to no chance that’s what the author intended.

Vin: Yes, but it slightly eases my mind, so I’m sticking with it.

"The chamber of secrets." Harry and Kate said in unison and enjoyed the utter looks of shocks they received in return.

MG:HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We know nothing about what’s been going on at Hogwarts in this AU when canon should have been happening, but since there was no Harry to use parseltongue to get into the Chamber, I’m assuming the basilisk is still alive and well. Say hello to the Sues and Stu for me, o giant snake of death! I’ll be back later with medicine for the indigestion you’ll surely develop.

Of course that doesn’t happen. I can still dream.


Last edited by MasterGhandalf on Sat Oct 13, 2012 10:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Sat Oct 13, 2012 9:05 pm

Quote :
"The chamber of secrets." Harry and Kate said in unison and enjoyed the utter looks of shocks they received in return.

WHAT?! How do they even know where it is? What part of the chamber's legend would make them think, "Hey, this sounds like a cool place to stay!"

And boy, do I love how Harry and Kate have dissolved into an amorphous blob of Sara-pandering. You might as well replace the word "Harry" with a random Stu name and the story would make just as much sense. Or just cut him out altogether, since Kate already holds the title of "Pointless Sidekick."

And, oh boy, the whole "bad temper" character flaw. If someone were to tell the Stuthor that Sara is a ridiculous Mary Sue, he would probably be like: "NOWAI! See, look at how she's so angreh all the time! She's not perfect, dammit!" And yet, the only negative effect her temper ever has is alienating people who... were determined not to like her anyway. Why do so many people warp this legit flaw into a discredited trope? When I was a kid, I had a major violent streak and was easily pushed over the edge, and that led to a lot of my teachers and classmates being unable to stand me, even the ones I was fond of and tried to be nice to. A character who has trouble keeping their anger in check is a good idea, but so rarely well-executed.

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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Sun Oct 14, 2012 9:46 am

Yeah, let's face it, this is really "The Adventures of Sara The Completely Awesome Character I Made Up and Fap/Schlick To" Why is this even in the Harry Potter universe? You could easily get the impression this writer doesn't even like Harry Potter or anybody in it.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Mon Oct 15, 2012 8:39 am

@SouthSimGal: The real problem with Sara’s temper is that it’s not treated as a flaw at all- the story seems to expect us to take it as a perfectly reasonable reaction that anyone would have done in her position. Had Sara’s pride and temper been played as things she needed to overcome, rather than entirely justified- well, she’d still be obscenely overpowered for the setting, but she’d be a much better-written character.

@Trioculus: I think the only reason that this is a Potterfic at all is because the author wanted to show how much more awesome their OCs were (Sara and Kate, of course, but this Harry might as well be an OC too) than anyone in canon.

Well, here we go again. It’s time to dive into the third chapter of Karala, in which there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that Sara is off-page for most of the chapter. The bad news is that Harry and Kate step up admirably to fill the Sue-void she left behind.

Dis: I don't own anything, but I do own this laptop, Sara and Kate, the plot, this account and you get the gist. Wink

MG: You don’t own *this* laptop, author. As for the plot, there is no plot here, just a lot of fawning over your OCs and stuified-Harry.

A/N: What happened last time?

"Don't worry; she'll be back before school starts."

"Are you sure?" McGonagall asked.

"Positive."

"Then where will you be staying?" asked Snape.

"The chamber of secrets." Harry and Kate said in unison and enjoyed the utter looks of shocks they received in return.

MG: See my comment on the last chapter- this is not needed and annoying, even if I actually enjoyed this thing. As I don’t, I have no desire to read it twice.

Kate and Harry spent their time exploring Hogwarts separately and in their own time.

Vin: So apparently the giant snake you mentioned didn’t eat them after all? Pity. I was actually kind of looking forward to that…

MG: Of course not! Nothing can inconvenience these people. In fact, the basilisk is never mentioned, despite being the entire raison d’arte for the Chamber of Secrets in canon.

Both teens got on exceptionally well with McGonagall and Snape.

MG: Ha! Doubt it. These two are about the last Hogwarts professors who’d take to overbearing strangers, certainly ones who had humiliated Dumbledore. Let’s expand the Character Assassination count for characters other than Dumbledore, shall we? Character Assassination: 10 (one point for each teacher).

They found out that there was an enormous library in the chamber of secrets (COS) and so they also spent a lot of time there reading any books they could get their hands on, learning as much information about the school and founders if they could and memorising as many spells as they could.

Vin: Note the abbreviation- apparently, the author needs shorthand because they can’t be bothered doing anything other than worshipping their “assassins” in detail.

MG: They also seem to have a very skewed idea of what’s in the Chamber. In canon, it basically consisted of a tunnel, the big room where Harry confronted the memory of Tom Riddle, and some sort of den either inside or behind the statue of Slytherin for the basilisk. There was no indication of anything else there. This version, on the other hand, is less a chamber and more an entire other building underneath the school!

Harry was wondering the grounds and thinking back to his first encounter with Snape. It wasn't exactly pleasant which is why he was currently hoping that Sara will hurry up and come back because both he and Kate would like to know why he has such an interest in Snape and McGonagall and asked them to get as close as possible.

Vin: Lord Ruler! Harry is so dependent on Sara that he needs her to tell him why he himself is interested in Snape. Because assassins are lost without someone to tell them what to do, of course.

MG: Not exactly pleasant would be an understatement, were Snape in character. But this Snape, well, we’ll see…

Flashback

MG: Gah! There’s no need to label a flashback “Flashback”. The italics are sufficient!

He was wondering the grounds bored to death, looking for something interesting to do because he was sick of just reading and training all the time. He wished that Sara was here so that they could play a prank on someone together. Being so lost in thought suddenly, 'BANG', he bumped into the most 'esteemed' professor of potions, Professor Snape, who looked down his long crooked nose at Harry with unmistaken scorn.

Vin: “Bang” is not a sound I’d associate with people bumping into each other, unless one or both is filled with dynamite.

MG: And Snape’s nose is large, but is never noted as being crooked. Apparently he had a nose transplant from Dumbledore.

"What's wrong Potter? Forgot how to walk?" he asked an unpleasant scowl on his face.

MG: Well, that insult is weaker than I’d expect from Snape, but otherwise that was pretty in-character. But let’s look at Harry’s response, shall we?

"First up Snape, my name's Harry Kill, not Potter.

Vin: *stares at the screen, then doubles over in a very un-Vin-like fit of snickering*

MG: Yes, the author is under the impression that assassins all have some sort of cool or badass sounding name, but as we see here they’re remarkably unoriginal when it comes to making them up. “Harry Kill” is a name with all the creativity of your average lima bean behind it, and just wait until we see Sara’s full name.

Vin: *recovering her composure* Seriously, “Harry Kill”? For an assassin, that’s like a street thug calling himself “Tough Guy”! It’s dull, it’s immature, and gets just about the opposite reaction from people you would probably want. Generally, though, if you’ve got a reputation you don’t need a scary name, and if you don’t, then giving yourself one just makes you look pathetic.

What ever you had against my 'father' or 'mother' does not get transferred to me.

MG: Bad move, Harry. Whatever brownie points you’d get from Snape by renouncing your father, you’d lose a hundredfold by renouncing your mother, the woman he loved and whose death he’s spent more than half his life working to avenge (and atone for his own role in it). Of all the Hogwarts staff, Snape is probably the most dangerous to make an enemy of (except Dumbledore, who’s already been established as an incompetent in this), and you’re in deep now.

If you decide not to like me without getting to know me first, then that's your problem, not mine. Second of all, no assassin likes to be treated like shit, so teacher or not, I have no qualms about killing you right here and now or anyone who disrespect us. Third of all, your precious headmaster is already walking on thin ice with that leglimens attack he did on Sara, so if I were you and any other professor, I'd advise you guys to watch your step. Now I have gotta go, so good day."

MG: They’ll be scraping what’s left of him off the grounds for *weeks*…

And with that he left, head held high. Using his elemental air magic, he used it to find out Snape reaction. Who was currently standing there shocked, have not recovered that his childhood rival's son had just threatened him and all the teachers in the school. It was that night of the same day when both of them bumped into each other again.

Vin: How does elemental air magic help you learn his reaction?

MG: No idea. And Snape, were he in canon, might well be shocked, but he certainly wouldn’t stand there and take it and would probably immediately begin plotting “Harry Kill’s” imminent demise. Character Assassination:11

This time, Harry was holding a number of transfiguration, charms and potions books in his hand.

Vin: In his hand? Either Harry has a huge hand, or those were tiny books!

"Oh Snape, hi, Dumbles said you might like some more books, so there's a library in the COS and Kate and I got you some potions book, would you like to look at them?" Harry asked, hoping he said yes because the books were not exactly light. Snape just nodded in response and Harry gave him all the potion books he had with him. Snape recovered enough to say 'thanks Harry' before he made a beeline to his dungeons, preparing to read as many of the books as he could.

MG: Okay, Snape in canon has pretty much two moods he lets other people see- coldly in control, and completely enraged. He wouldn’t be so disconcerted by a teenager and if he wanted the books (which is actually pretty in-character), he’d probably just take them. Character Assassination:12

End of flashback

MG: See earlier comment about flashbacks.

After that, Harry and Severus soon became closer

MG: How? The encounters you’ve described would just make Snape hate Harry even more than he did in canon! The only student in canon Snape seemed to like was Draco, who sucked up to him; he doesn’t take people defying him well at all (and I know Harry’s not a student here, but he’s student-age and I doubt Snape would draw much of a distinction). Character Assassination: 13

Vin: With the use of their first names and the word “closer”, I’m now imagining them entering a romantic, or maybe just sexual, relationship. Thanks for that, author.

and Snape didn't even mind sharing his private lab with Harry.

MG: HAHAHA, no. Do you even remember how protective Snape was of his private stores in canon? Character Assassination:14

This is where he was currently preparing to go to, deciding that he wanted make some more potions, especially some elemental magic replenishing potion. He knocked lightly on the door, "Who is it?" Severus snapped,

"It's Harry; can I borrow your lab?" Harry shouted through the closed door, making sure that he stood close enough to the door so that Snape can hear him. Soon enough, he heard the door being opened and Snape gestured him to come in.

MG: Snape had a dementor hidden in the room and wanted to make sure there were no witnesses.

"What do you intend to make?" he asked, softening his voice slightly at the sight of the raven haired assassin.

MG: When Snape uses a soft voice, it’s usually a sign he’s at his most angry and dangerous. I’m thinking they’re only getting along well in Harry’s head.

Harry shrugged; he wasn't going to tell him the entire truth that's for sure, staring at Severus with a soul searching green gaze.

Severus broke the stare, "Well then, get going." He replied brusquely.

MG: Snape stared down Voldemort and successfully lied to his face for years. No way he’d lose a staring contest to Pod!Harry here. Character Assassination:15

Harry smirked; he headed to his usual place and cauldron and began the potion. Due to the fact that they were all his own, Sara's and Kate's concoction, it was pretty obvious that Severus had no idea what he was making and he intended to keep it that way. He could feel Severus's eyes on him, but he ignored the dark gaze.

Vin: Because it is totally inconceivable that a skilled potion-brewer couldn’t figure out what you were making based on what you used and what steps you followed. I’ve found that watching other people use their powers is usually quite the learning experience; apparently “Harry Kill” never learned that lesson.

MG: Assuming something three teenagers came up with was even something someone as clever as Snape would find valuable enough to learn in the first place.

After around an hour or so, he was done. Carefully bottling up his potions and cleaning his workspace, he silently slipped out of the room, knowing that Severus wouldn't even realize he was gone until he finished his potion.

Vin: Stealth! Apparently these people are familiar with the idea after all! Who knew?

MG: Snape’s one of the most observant characters in the series, though. I’ll prefer to think that he knows exactly what Harry’s up to and is only letting him think he’s in control of the situation.

Harry quickly slipped into the COS and set his potions on his work bench there. There was a potions lab in the Chambers too, but he was ordered by Sara to get as close as possible to Snape, and wondered how well Kate was getting on with McGonagall.

Vin: When? Sara’s been gone ever since she vanished at the end of last chapter! Lord Ruler forbid Harry or Kate take the initiative themselves!

Whilst Harry was brewing in Severus labs, Kate had searched out for McGonagall in her office. As she waited patiently for Minerva to acknowledge her, leaning casually against the door frame, watching Minerva's slender hands moving the quill against the parchment.

Finally, just when Kate was about to announce her presence herself, Minerva looked up; a subtle smirk playing on her face. "Is there something I can do for you?" she asked, rising an eyebrow that reminded Kate of Snape and Sara.

MG: McGonagall actually starts out pretty in-character, here. I think she’d be more overtly determined to get rid of Kate, considering how her fellow assassins have been behaving, and Sara doesn’t deserve to be listed with either Snape or McGonagall, but it’s better than anyone else has gotten so far. Of course, I’ve read this whole thing, and it doesn’t last. Believe me, it doesn’t…

Kate bounced into the room, grinning brightly at Minerva. "Nothing much, I'm bored…and the other teachers don't really like me and Harry is with Snape so I have no one to talk to and was wondering whether you need any help with anything?" she asked, smirking at Minerva.

Vin: You know, the smirk ruins the effect of the whole “offering to be friendly and helpful” spiel. Do you people know any other expression?

Minerva looked at Kate, she was surprised that the blonde haired assassin would even bother herself to help others, she was naturally suspicious of Kate, but as she couldn't see anything wrong with talking to Kate and replied, "Unless you're good at transfiguration, I would be very grateful if you help me mark these tests."

MG: No. Just no. I’m a TA at a major university, and I had to go through tons of reading about how confidential students’ information (including grades) is and the penalties for revealing it to anyone. I don’t know if similar laws apply in wizarding Britain as in Muggle America, but McGonagall is a consummate professional and that alone would keep her from letting someone who is almost a total stranger help her do her grading. If she really wanted Kate’s help, she’d find her something else to do. Character Assassination:15

Kate smiled, conjured up her own chair and quill and sat by Minerva's desk. "So what do you want me to mark?" she asked, fingering her quill.

Minerva landed a heap of parchment in front of Kate. "Mark these." She ordered, watching Kate with a smirk.

Vin: Apparently smirks are contagious in this universe.

MG: McGonagall is usually more stern than mocking anyway.

Kate replied with a challenging glare, and started to mark the first parchment on her pile. This belonged to Draco Malfoy, 6th year Slytherin. She mentally sneered at the looped writing. It was obvious he was trying to match up to his father's elegant script. Correcting all mistakes and everything, she continued on the next one, ignoring the fact that Minerva would occasionally look up and make sure she was…alright.

MG: You know, mocking Draco would ordinarily be a wonderful change of pace from fandom’s usual treatment of him, but considering the whole tone of this fic in regards to canon characters so far, I can’t shake the feeling that Kate has just out-Draco’d Draco. It’s the sneer. This is the only mention of Draco, or any Hogwarts student, we’ll be getting, by the way.

Well into the night, Kate finally finished marking the last of the papers. Massaging her temples, she got up and leaned against Minerva's desk, and waited for her to be acknowledged.

Minerva looked up to find Kate looming over her with a smirk on her face. "Is anything the matter?" she asked, her quill posed to write.

Vin: Stop it! Stop smirking! Can’t you smile for once, or even keep a neutral expression?

Kate smirked, "I'm done, why don't you relax and we can head to dinner. I'm sure Dumbledore is wondering where his deputy head is." She replied, holding out a hand to help Minerva from the desk. Here with the transfiguration professor, she'll play the kinder more helpful assassin, as Sara bloody-Blight had ordered her to do, and outside, she'll play the cold, indifferent assassin.

MG: Sara bloody-Blight. Author, if Harry Kill is completely unimaginative, Sara bloody-Blight is just trying too hard. *Way* too hard. (It’d look better if that first “B” was capitalized, too). McGonagall doesn’t need you to walk her to dinner, by the way, and would probably be offended if you thought she did!

Vin: And we see again that Sara has apparently scripted their every move. Even when she’s not here, she’s dominating everything!

Minerva looked at Kate with a small question in her eyes, but she took the offered hand and stood up, stretching like a cat, she blinked. "Ow, my head." She massaged her temples, unconsciously copying what Kate had done just a few minutes ago.

Kate sighed but she mentally smirked, "Here." she handed to Minerva a headache relieving potion. It was her own concoction, so it meant that no side effects will happen and Minerva will be headache-less for the rest of the week, no matter how much she worked.

MG: I seriously doubt a potion invented by a teenager is going to be better than something McGonagall could either do for herself or get from Snape.

Vin: How quaint. You think we’re reading a story that can have any logical applied to it at all.

Minerva took the potion and drank it with a grateful smile. She was surprised at the taste, but she wasn't that worried that she'll be poisoned, as Kate seem to be pretty nice and she knew that assassins prefers to kill than poison. "Let's go." She ordered, heading to the door, not even looking behind to see if Kate was following. She hated anyone seeing her at her most vulnerable, especially if it turns out to be an assassin who was ordered to protect the school.

Vin: Wait, assassins don’t use poison? News to me! I generally don’t, because the things and people I generally fight either have ways to identify it or are too tough for it to be effective, but poisoning is one of the basic tools in the assassin’s arsenal!

MG: Now, McGonagall I can see not wanting to show weakness if she doesn’t have to because she’s McGonagall and she’s a tough old lady, but Kate *is* under orders to protect the school here, so this just seems like the author wanting to make McGonagall look weak.

Vin: I’d be worried about showing weakness in front of an outsider who was only an ally because they were forced.

MG: Yeah, but you’re the girl so paranoid you can give Mad-Eye Moody a run for his money.

Vin: *with dignity* I’m not paranoid, I’m *cautious*.

Kate didn't follow Minerva, she stepped in beside her. No assassin walks behind someone if they could help it.

Vin: Umm, why? It’s other people walking behind *you* that you want to worry about…

"So, Minerva, can I call you Min?" she asked, flipping her hair out of her face. She knew from the fact file the received that McGonagall hated anyone shortening her name, but she wondered if Minerva was afraid of her or starting to enjoy her company.

MG: Because of course, those are the only two possible ways to react to someone. Were this canon McGonagall, I’d say the response to Kate’s question would be “neither”.

Minerva turned to Kate, she wasn't stupid enough to threaten the blond assassin, no matter how appealing that idea seemed. Instead she turned to face Kate, "No." she half shouted, just as they reached the doors to the dining hall, and all the teachers gathered there, including Harry turned to face Minerva, who by this time was blushing a furious red. "Uh…" she stuttered, and then quickly slipped into her usual place next to the headmaster and began to eat as quickly as possible, avoiding looking at Kate, who was smirking as she sat next to Minerva.

Vin: Kate, I’m so disappointed in you. Here I was thinking that you were the least obnoxious of our three so-called assassins, and then you go and do something this stupid. If you’re trying to get in good with someone? Regardless of your personal feelings, don’t antagonize them. You might need them as an ally later. Using information in this “fact file” just to taunt them is really childish.

MG: McGonagall wouldn’t react this way. The only time in the books she really gets flustered is if information is suddenly sprung on her. If she just finds you personally obnoxious, she gets more composed (with a side-dish of snark), not less. Note her interactions with Umbridge in the fifth book. Where is the author getting the name-shortening thing, anyway? I can’t really imagine McGonagall going by a diminutive, but I don’t think she’d get that bent out of shape over it, either. She’d just coolly tell you to call her “Minerva” or “Professor McGonagall”, depending on who you were, and if you were a student, take points for being disrespectful. Character Assassination: 16

As they were all enjoying their dinner, Sara walked in the door, her brown-blond hair flowing down past her shoulders, with a shit-eating grin on her face. "What's up guys?" she asked, slouching down next to Snape. Only her friends noticed that she was favouring her right side, and only her friends noticed the extra designer watch she was wearing, and Kate and Harry shared a smirk with each other, knowing that Sara had just committed an assassination job that gave them some extra cash on the side.

Vin: Lovely. The Alpha Sue has returned, as smug as ever. Seriously, she might as well have “I just carried out an assassination” tattooed across her forehead in this scene. You’d think Karala would be able to provide first aid for its assassins, too.

MG: Just wait until next chapter when we find out who she killed, and why. It’s one of the bigger wallbangers in this thing.

Dumbledore stared at Sara, which was not the kind of entrance that he expected from the brown blond lead assassin. He was so surprised that he was speechless for quite a while, and that gave Sara the time to tuck into her dinner with faked relish, a hidden smirk creeping on her face behind her mask. Only her friends noticed the smirk, and neither could wait until dinner was finished where they could interrogate Sara on what just happened.

Vin: Would this be a literal or figurative mask?

MG: Who knows; description in this thing seems to be limited to hair and eye color, smirks, and sue-per powers. Apparently her entrance was enough to shock Dumbledore into silence, which is ridiculously out-of-character- even when Death Eaters were invading Hogwarts, he was still able to have reasonably polite conversation with them. Character Assassination:17

Whilst all this was happening, Minerva and Snape both noticed the sudden change in Kate's and Harry's posture, they had both relaxed just a bit, and it made Snape and McGonagall aware that Sara was the leader of the three assassins, that she might even be one of the leaders of Karala. Soon, Dumbledore has recovered his sense and was looking at Sara with those twinkling blue eyes, but only the three assassins, Snape and McGonagall noticed the subtle frown on the aged Headmaster's face.

MG: I would have thought it was obvious from the beginning that Sara was the leader, considering how much she shoves the other two into the background whenever she’s present. But one of the leaders of Karala? The first chapter was pretty explicit she was a student, so she might be the Karalan version of a prefect or even Head Girl, but that doesn’t really qualify her as one of the leaders of the school. This is just another bit that serves no purpose other than to (try to) make her look cool.

"So Sara, where have you been?" Albus asked, careful to resist the urge to use leglimens on Sara after what happened last time, but he was extremely curious about what had gotten the lead assassin into such a good mood.

"Oh around and all, Karala business." She replied smoothly, silently challenging the Headmaster to ask further.

Albus backed off, he knew that should he have asked, then he would not only be challenging Sara, but the entire society of Karala as a whole, and he wasn't ready, or capable, for putting himself and Hogwarts up against one of the most renowned and dangerous magical schools in the world.

MG: Renowned and dangerous, which is why it might as well have dropped out of the sky and into this fic, for all the backstory we get. Seriously, Dumbledore wasn’t terribly worried about going up against the Ministry itself for what he believed in; I think he can handle one school.

Silence filled the table again, each professor analysing their different thoughts, and each assassin thinking about multiple things. No one was prepared to break the awkward silence on the table yet, especially not if the headmaster currently have a subtle frown on his face. The only sounds could be heard was the sound of silverware bumping against plates and bowls, and soon, Sara finished her dinner. Shooting a look at Harry and Kate, she walked out of the hall, intending to head out to the CoS.

Vin: You know, at least the previous chapters had some sort of ending. This one just… stops.

________________________________________
A/N: Just tell me what you think about this story. Please?

Vin: Oh, I think that’s what I’ve been doing…

MG: Well, so it ends for now. There’s only one more chapter left, thankfully, but it includes some doozies- the most bizarre sequence in this whole thing, explanation of where Sara was that makes it plain the author either never read the last two books or willingly threw them out, and about as solid proof of the author being male as you can get without them out and saying it. I’ll have it up in the next couple of days.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:02 am

I feel sorry for you; had to skim the last couple of paragraphs in ch3 because it was so boring. Good job though, I don't think I could have gotten past chapter two with the dueling. Even though I've made some PotterSues, these are insane.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:30 pm

Harry Kill? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

And aren't the ~*~TRIO of POWAH~*~ supposed to be protecting the school or something? They seem to have nothing to do all day but make potions, walk around, and suck up to teachers that shouldn't be giving them the time of day.

Oh boy, I can't wait till next chapter! I'm tempted to read ahead, but I don't want to spoil anything.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Mon Oct 15, 2012 6:33 pm

Took a look at one of her other fics, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Nice to know this suethor can only write Petulant Bitch!Sues. Seriously I'm not normally in favor of smacking people around, but I keep wishing someone would smack the Suethor around, just so she'll know that being a petulant bitch doesn't endear you to anyone.

Also, apparently said other fic lists "GrangerWeasleyBashing" in the summary, so yeah...if you have issues with blood pressure, you might wanna stay away.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:13 pm

Well, this is the home stretch- just one chapter to go. This one has some serious wallbangers in it, but it’s short and then it’ll all be over!

@SouthSimGal: Yes, they’re supposed to be guarding the school, presumably from Voldemort. However, the author seems to have forgotten that in favor of just having Sara, Harry, and Kate strut around showing off. Ugh. In any event, on with the show:

Dis: No..I do not own Harry Potter...unfortunately, I am not that a good writer yet..sigh

Vin: No, you’re not. At least you can admit it.

What happened last time?

Silence filled the table again, each professor analyzing their different thoughts, and each assassin thinking about multiple things. No one was prepared to break the awkward silence on the table yet, especially not if the headmaster currently have a subtle frown on his face. The only sounds could be heard was the sound of silverware bumping against plates and bowls, and soon, Sara finished her dinner. Shooting a look at Harry and Kate, she walked out of the hall, intending to head out to the CoS.

Vin: Stop it! Stop… recapping!

Harry and Kate finished their dinner at a more steady pace, knowing that too many questions will be asked if they both follow after Sara in unison.

MG: Why? They’re working together; why would it be unusual for them to leave dinner together?

Instead, Harry turned and chatted to Snape about some inane potion or other, whilst Kate began a conversation with Flitwick, finding that she actually enjoyed chatting with the hyper little professor.

MG: You know, Flitwick is more cheerful and energetic than hyper, but he’s actually a professor I can imagine being friendly to these three. He managed to be polite to Umbridge, after all, and even Sara can’t hold a candle to that level of horrible. Anyway, he’s the only staff member even vaguely in-character here.

By some unspoken agreement, Harry finished his dinner and dismissed himself first, leaving Kate to stay behind and keep everything 'normal'. Kate barely spared Harry or Sara a glance as they walked out the door, although she didn't miss the fact that Minerva and Dumbledore's eyes followed Sara's and Harry's every move. It wasn't such a big surprise, as Sara is the leader of the trio, and Harry is the 'boy-who-lived', and she is just the unknown blonde assassin

Vin: The blonde assassin who forgot her punctuation, apparently.

"So Filius, how good are you at dueling?" she asked, ignoring Dumbledore and McGonagall, knowing that Minerva for now would still be Dumbledore's man, or in this case, woman.

MG: Then why didn’t you say “woman” to begin with? Was that supposed to be clever?

Filius hasn't missed out on anything that happened, and knew perfectly well that Kate was only staying there because it'll be suspicious if both she and Harry rushed out together, just when Sara had recently returned. Instead, he just replied, "Oh, good enough, I was a master dueller in my days."

MG: The author seems to like Flitwick for whatever reason. Not only is he somewhat in-character, but the author remembers a throwaway line in Chamber of Secrets that established him as a former dueling champion.

Kate wasn't surprised, she already knew this, but raised an eyebrow anyway. "That's cool, what are you favourite spells?" she asked.

"Oh, I personally love 'avis' and 'reducto'."

Vin: *looks up spells* All right, reducto I can understand, but avis apparently summons birds. While that might come in handy in a duel to surprise and distract your opponent, I can’t really imagine it would be a standard move.

MG: Just be grateful they’re sticking to the magic system at all this time.

"Sweet, maybe we should duel together sometime?" she suggested, feeling an instant connection with the small professor.

Filius smiled and nodded his head in agreement; he was extremely tempted to throw a potato at the headmaster's head for he had still yet to tear his eyes away from the door where Sara, and then Harry had existed from.

Vin: Huh. Apparently Sara and Harry are manifestations of the door.

MG: I take back what I said about Flitwick being in-character. Based on what his classes are like he’s pretty playful, but I can’t imagine him randomly throwing a potato at someone, much less Dumbledore. Character Assassination:18.

Kate, talks done, give you an update when you come back, flirt with McGonagall, Snape or Flitwick. Kate hearing that in her mind from Sara nearly choked on her mouthful of carrot, but assassin training forbids the littlest bits of emotion and she managed to hold onto her impassive mask. Are they mad? She wondered, but followed Sara's order.

Vin: I… don’t suppose we’ll ever get an explanation for this?

MG: Nope. Here follows one of the most bizarre sequences in this whole thing.

"So Minerva, what's wrong with calling you Min?" she asked, well aware that the temperature had dropped about two degrees and Filius and Severus discreetly keeping their hands on their wands.

Minerva glared at Kate, "Because it's inappropriate?" she suggested.

Vin: Yes, the teenager is flirting with the septuagenarian. Lovely.

Kate smiled cheekily back, "But its so cute." She replied, cleaning her mouth with a napkin.

Minerva glared, "I assure you Ms Glade, I am hardly what one would call cute." She replied, stiffly, staring straight ahead, ignoring the quiet sniggering coming from Snape and Albus.

MG: Well, McGonagall is valiantly struggling to stay in character, but Snape and Dumbledore sure aren’t. Dumbledore wouldn’t find someone harassing his Deputy Head funny; Snape might, since he and McGonagall head rival Houses, but he’s more one for smirking silently rather than sniggering. One point for each. Character Assassination: 20.

Vin: Apparently Kate’s last name is Glade. You can tell she’s the lesser Sue; she doesn’t get an overwrought “assassin” name, for which she should be very thankful.

Kate stood up and walked behind Minerva's chair, she leaned down and whispered into her ear, mentally smiling when Minerva shivered, "Maybe not, but for someone your age, you still are pretty." She smiled, allowing her hands to discreetly brush against Minerva's legs, and then she left, without a backward glance.

MG: Okay, Kate is officially sexually harassing McGonagall for no adequately explained reason. This serves absolutely no purpose in the plot, such as it is, and if it’s fanservice, it’s among the most bizarre I’ve ever seen. Seriously. WHY?

Minerva was left sitting there, resembling a goldfish, a very red goldfish, whilst her colleagues sent her curious looks. Albus, finally as the headmaster of the school took the plunge, "Minerva? What did she say?" he asked, resisting the urge to use leglimency on his long time friend.
Minerva stared resolutely at her plate concentrating on eating, "That is none of your business."
She snapped.

Vin: Considering she was brushing McGonagall’s leg and whispering into her ear, I think it’s bloody well obvious what she was doing!

MG: And were McGonagall remotely in-character, she’d have reprimanded Kate then and there, not turned into a gaping red goldfish! Character Assassination:21.

Albus backed off, knowing that he'll loose Minerva if he pushed harder, "Alright." He replied, setting down to finish his delicious dinner.

MG: Implying Dumbledore only views McGonagall as an asset, rather than a friend, and cares nothing about her obvious discomfort with this situation. Character Assassination:22.

Meanwhile in the CoS

Vin: I think I could have figured that out on my own, thanks.

Kate walked at a leisurely pace to the girls' bathroom, and the entrance to the chamber of secrets. Hissing out, she enjoyed the wide drop to the entrance.

MG: How does she know where the Chamber is and how to get in? Harry learned that in his second year, which he was apparently at Karala for in this AU!

"Was it really necessary to order me to flirt with those three?" she asked out loud, ignoring Harry's cursing as she had just interrupted his telepathic conversation with his assassin girlfriend.

Vin: Even the Sue is recognizing the logical fallacies here!

MG: Is Harry’s assassin girlfriend Sara or someone we’ve never heard of? It’s moot anyway, as this is the only mention she’ll get!

"Yes it was." Sara said, leaving no room for arguments. She sat down cross legged and leaned against the leg of a chair. Kate lay down and laid her head in Sara's lap, enjoying the feel of Sara's hands gently massaging her scalp.

Vin: Of course, we’ll never learn why Sara thought it was necessary. Maybe she just likes messing with people.

MG: I get it! Sara’s not an assassin, she’s a troll! I’m not sure if her target is Kate, McGonagall, or me, but she’s certainly trolling someone.

"So, what happened?" she asked, as Harry joined them, using her arm as a headrest.

Sara kept her gentle massaging of Kate's scalp as she replied, "Lucius Malfoy is dead, Nacrissa was the one who paid us." In such a short sentence, a lot of people's world would have fallen apart, which means it was a good thing that no one was there to hear that revelation.

MG: WHAT!!!! The last two books clearly established that as horrible as the Malfoys are otherwise, they do genuinely love each other. This proved key in Harry surviving the final battle, since Narcissa covered for him to save her family! Book six made it clear that Narcissa was upset by Lucius’s incarceration! This chapter was written in 2008, so the author has no excuse.

"Oh my God! Cissy actually went through with it?!" Kate exclaimed.

MG: Cissy. The only person in canon who called Narcissa that was her sister, Bellatrix. What I wouldn’t give for Bellatrix to be unleashed on these people (never thought I’d say that)…

"Yes."

Kate looked up under lowered lashes, "I love you Sara, and you're bloody amazing."

Vin: Random lesbians, ahoy!

Sara leaned down, it wasn't unusual to find the two best friends locking lips around Karala, and Harry had by then gotten used to those two kissing ever once in a while. "I know I am." She whispered, landing a gentle kiss on Kate's lips, and soon a battle of tongues began, that lasted for quite a while until Harry discreetly coughed.

MG: And this is why I became convinced the author was male. This scene serves no purpose other than to have two hot assassin girls making out with each other. There was no real foreshadowing, just random fanservice.

They broke apart, "Anyway, as I was saying, Cissy will be staying with us, out of sight and out of range from now on." She waited for Kate to jump up with joy as she will be reunited with her fair headed lover once again.

MG: Okay, I’m going to assume that the “Lucius” Sara killed was a polyjuiced double and Narcissa is coming not to lie low, but to have a chance to backstab the assassins who were willing to take out a contract on her husband, possibly as part of a Death Eater plot to destroy the competition. Wait, that would make sense…

Kate jumped up with joy and let out a shout in ecstasy. "YES! When is she coming?" she asked, quieting down and facing Sara, ignoring Harry's muttered threats, as she in her excitement, had allowed Harry's head to bump 'painfully' against the ground.

Vin: Why is “painfully” in scare quotes? Was it painful, or wasn’t it?

"She is coming tomorrow afternoon; I need you and Sara to distract everyone from my disappearance. I should be back before dinner." Harry replied, standing up and stretching.

Kate didn't need to ask why Harry was going, as if it was she or Sara; they could more easily get distracted. It wasn't that they were distracted easily, but both Sara and she had previous relations with Nacrissa. "Alright then, now if you don't mind, I'll go to bed." She said, yawning. She wasn't extremely tired, but she still would enjoy any rest she could get.

MG: Sara/Kate/Narcissa OT3!!!! Seriously, what is going on here? Why are we having this history just dropped on us? Has the author never heard of foreshadowing?

Harry's eyes followed Kate out,

Vin: Ah, the floating eyeballs have returned.

and he then after a nod at Sara, retreated to the training room and started his training, retreating to bed at around 1 am. Sara took her book off the bookshelf, curled up on the sofa and continued reading, until sometime in the early morning at 2.

Vin: If it was at 2:00, it wasn’t a generic “sometime”.

MG: Apparently the Chamber of Secrets has a training room now. Who knew the basilisk was an exercise freak?

She made her way to her own bed and sank comfortably into it. Using her own magic, she gently sensed the school, finding out that Albus was sound asleep in his room, Severus brewing a potion, Minerva curled up in her animagus form on the couch asleep, Filius reading up on some inane hex, the rest of the staff all asleep and the ghosts wondering around…some drifting off into dreamland.

MG: And then Sara was a Jedi.

Sara sighed and stretched like the cheetah she was, she turned and drifted off into a mediative state, appearing to the unknown eye as sound asleep.

Vin: The known eyes, however, were only waiting for her to actually fall asleep so that their owner could strike.

MG: Since she’s in bed, I’m assuming she’s in human form, not cheetah, so that wording really gives the wrong impression. What’s a mediative stare, anyway? And why does the Chamber of Secrets have *beds*. WHY?

Vin: Who knows. Since this is the rather sudden end, I’m leaving. I think I’m going to track down Mara Jade and Natasha Romanoff, and then we’ll find Sara and show her how *real* female assassins do things. *she gets to her feet, drops what looks like a small coin, and then launches herself by some unseen force up and towards the back of the theater. Landing by the door, she shoots a last, murderous look at the screen, and departs*

MG: Well, that’s over. Apparently even the author couldn’t figure out where to go with this because the story screeches to a halt and hasn’t been updated since 08. I’ve read worse, admittedly, but this just has it all- nonsensical AU, Super!Harry, Dumbledore bashing, great wads of non-canon magic everywhere, and ludicrously obnoxious and overpowered Sues. All it needs is some poorly-written sex and for Draco to don some leather pants, and we’d practically have the perfect storm of badfic. I’m guessing the short length is the primary reason it’s pretty obscure, though I found it linked from another site. The reviews are pretty dull- all mindless praise, but nothing spectacularly lol-worthy.

And that’s “Karala”. Good riddance. Think I’ll do something for Avengers, Avatar (either Airbender or Korra) or LotR next- I’ve had enough Potter badness for a while.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Tue Oct 16, 2012 9:07 pm

Flirt.... with.... MCGONAGALL?

Wow. Yup, nothing makes a scene like gratuitous lesbians! Fap Fap Fap

Thank God this is over. May I suggest that you do an Avatar fic next? There is a woeful shortage of them on WGW.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Tue Oct 16, 2012 9:18 pm

This was hilarious! What is it with dudes and lesbians? Almost like the yaoi fangirls in that aspect. Creepy.
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:40 am

SouthSimGal wrote:
Quote :
"The chamber of secrets." Harry and Kate said in unison and enjoyed the utter looks of shocks they received in return.

WHAT?! How do they even know where it is? What part of the chamber's legend would make them think, "Hey, this sounds like a cool place to stay!"
Isn't the chamber supposed to be secret anyway? Finding the damn thing's location is the whole plot of the second book!
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Wed Oct 17, 2012 10:51 am

Suethor logic. Oh wait a minute...there is no logic in this thing,
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PostSubject: Re: Karala   Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:18 pm

Quote :
All it needs is some poorly-written sex and for Draco to don some leather pants, and we’d practically have the perfect storm of badfic

You're forgetting them doing something absurd with Ron. Ron the Death Eater, Ron Raper, Ron the Uke Furry, etc. Then we'd have Bingo on Harry Potter Crapfic card.

I think the fact that Ron and Hermione seem to have been ignored by this crapstorm might be it's only redeeming quality.
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