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 Who is Voldemort's Dad?

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MasterGhandalf



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PostSubject: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:48 pm

As we all know, turning your favorite character into a self-insert is distressingly common in fanfiction. Often it’s a harmless sign of an immature or casual writer and they grow out of it. Other times, it goes into much, much weirder waters, as in this fic, which I’ve seen sporked before, but never here, and it at times rivals My Immortal, Becoming Female, or The Wolf Blood Lineage for sheer bzuh factor.

I’d rather not think about what it says about the author that they chose Vernon Dursley as their self-insert Gary Stu.

Therefore, without further ado, let us dive into the depths of Who Is Voldemorts Dad? The Tales of Vernon Dursly and Some Magic.

Summary: For years Harry Potter fans have wondered who Voldermorts dad is?

Uh, no we haven’t. Voldemort (Tom Riddle’s) dad is Tom Riddle Sr., as revealed in Chamber of Secrets, the first book to really explore anything about Voldie’s history.

NOW WE FIND OUT!

I can barely contain my anticipation (and yes, this is going where the title would indicate it’s going).

Has Harry/Ginny! And also some bad words but they are all blocked out. Also has some car chases!

That’s… nice.

AN: I was having some troubles with writng my Deathnote fanfics so I wrot this instead. It is really good I hope if not why are you reading it lol !?!?!

Trust me, this is not good. It is, however, So Bad It’s Good.

It was seven o clock only not really but uncle Verons watch was all broken. He looked at it and sed "f-cking watch it is broken again!!!"

What an absolutely riveting introduction, pulling us straight into the world of the story and giving us such vital information!

He steped out of the car and found himself. In the middle of a car park.

And thanks to the power improperly placed punctuation, Uncle Vernon has apparently attained enlightenment. Hopefully it’ll improve his disposition.

"I'm glad you met me here when I sent you you those anoyomus letters" said a mysterious voice coming mysteriously from the buses around the park.

But were they mysterious buses?

"It was no problem"

"that is good" said the man as he jumped out the bush.

"YOUR VOLDEMONT!" yelled Vernon jumping backwards and stepping on a cat which screamed quite loud and then ran away.

Is this a Monty Python sketch now? And how does Vernon know Voldemort by sight, anyway? He’s only barely aware of who he is! And I see that we are currently in the wonderful world of Tara Gilesbie, where Voldemort’s name is never spelled correctly, giving a whole new meaning to “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”. And… why am I trying to apply logic to this? It will only end in tears.

"I AM NOT JUST VOLDEMORT!!!! I AM YOUR………….. SON!"

…I rest my case.

"How can this be!" he shoted. "I have only have to kids and they are Dudly and Harry."

Ummm… no. Vernon has one kid, Dudley. Harry was raised by his aunt and uncle, but they’d never claim him as their son, nor he claim them as his parents. He’s not called “Uncle” Vernon for lols, you know.

Then voldemort grabbed his long wand which was under his cloak in his pants. It was made of wood from the whomping willow tree which made it supper powerful.

“Supper” powerful? I guess Voldemort has hitherto unsuspected powers of magical cooking at his disposal, then. On a more serious note, Voldemort either wields a yew wand or, at the end of the seventh book, the Elder Wand (made from- you guessed it- elder). And I pity the poor person who had to harvest Whomping Willow wood to make a wand from.

He pulled his wand and pointed it at vernon and a long shooty of white magic strings flew out of the end and landed on some stuff.

…Not touching that one.

"I can do magic and so can Harry. Did you think it was a reason?"

A reason for what? It means they’re both wizards, but there are a lot of wizards! Is Vernon now the father of the entire Wizarding world (yikes)? And I could mention that both Voldemort and Harry inherited magic from their mothers’ side of the family, but at this point we’re stopping up leaks on the Titanic here.

"I did not think of that" Vernon confetti as he wiped off the sticky magics that were on every thing.

"But you are the most powaful wizard of them all. Like even more powered than dumbeledore and that dude with the turban thing put together!"

Uncle Vernon, who has never shown any magical ability nor had any training, is more powerful than Dumbledore. Right. And Quirrell was only powerful because Voldemort was possessing him- he’s usually referred to as a mediocre wizard by himself.

And why can’t you consistently capitalize proper names, author? Won’t you think of the capital letters?

Vernon looked in his feelings and found they were all true even the ones that just a few short days ago would have seemed crazy to a tall handsome mustachiated man like himself.

Uncle Vernon… handsome… yeah.

He toked out his wand and pointed it at Voldemort who was starring in amazement and shouted "die you pies of sh-t!" and "Avrakadavra" and a magical blast of stuff (AN what does it shot anyway? Noone knows cos its magic! ;-) ) came and hit Voldemort in the face he exploded in a pile of ash screeching "Ill get you yet Uncle Vernon!"

Okay, there are so many things wrong with that that I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. The one I keep coming back to is- where did Vernon get the wand? Are you ever going to answer that, huh? Ever?

Of course not. Who am I kidding?

Vernon looked down in shock at his wand and the magic dripping from the end told a million stories like nothing ever could. He jumped over another car into his own car and slammed on the brakes and screamed out of the carpark laughing leik a manic.

And now the part of Vernon Dursley will be played by the Joker. Come to think of it, the Joker’s presence could only improve this… series of events masquerading as a story. At least no one expects him to make sense!

MEAN WHILE IN HOG WARTS!

Oh sweet merciful Manwe… shades of legolas by laura…

Dumbeldore looked at the letter he was writing on his magic typewriter. It said some stuff about really complicated magics and they were too hard for any muggle to understand even like Einstine or Obama or the dude with the wheelecahir.

I would think not, since none of those people are, you know, wizards.

Suddenly he looked up at his magicometer which was busy dancing over his desk like a man on fire except it was not on fire it was quite happy and singing to it self.

O… kay.

"THERE IS A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE!" he yelled jumping to his feet like he wasn't a beardy guy from the like middle ages or whatever.

It was as if the rules of proper storytelling and the English language cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced…

He jumped in his car which was a 1961 Audi Catro in bright red with some pink bits too where magics had exploded. He had made it by magic so it had like a million horsepowers in the breaks and some rocket booster too.

He zoomed away real fast and shot by some cops but he was magic and there radar gun didn't work even though they were magic cops with a magic radar gun cos he was just that good at magic.

He overtaked the night bus and that tall dude with the spots yelled "watch out you f-cking psyko!" and beeped at him but Dumbledore had a honk if your horny sticker and he thought he was horny.

I believe the preceding three paragraphs have just established Dumbledore as the most out-of-character in this entire… thing… and that is saying something.

He got to Vernon fast and shouted!

"YOU WILL DIE" he said as he used his wand to conjoin up a double barrel bazooka machine pistol which was the most powerful gun ever except a nuclear bomb which he couldn't make because he didn't have any nuclears with him.

He used his wand… to conjure a gun… instead of just using one of the numerous combat curses introduced in the Potter books. And author, you are aware that a nuclear bomb is not a kind of gun, aren’t you?

And what on Earth is a nuclear, anyway?

He shooted it at Vernon and he exploded because he cast a spell at his gun which blocked the barrel and it went the wrong way even tho he tried to stop it cos he failed!

"NOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~~O!" he shouted as he blew up and bits of berd splattered all over his car which became vernons now because he had left the keys behind and Vernon could steel them and use them to go driving wherever he wanted. Even the sea. Because it was magic.

After a bit of thought, I think I’ve worked out what happens here. Dumbledore tried to shoot Vernon, but Vernon caused his gun to backfire, blowing Dumbledore up and splattering beard everywhere. Now Vernon has Dumbledore’s car and can drive wherever he wants with it.

Because that all makes perfect sense.

"Now I will becum the new headmater of Hog Warts and there will be a few changes around here let me tell you……………………………………."

Apparently Hogwarts now works on the “you kill it, you bought it” principle. Now, if canon!Vernon suddenly became Headmaster of Hogwarts, he’d make one and only one change- shutting the place down. Since there’s been no sign of anyone even remotely resembling canon!Vernon in this fic, I think the school is safe.

4 days and like 15 hours or something later

"Introducing your new head teachers, VERNON DURSLY!" shouted Snape into a microphone at the big dance.

…This is either the stupidest or most brilliant mental image in the entire story so far. Snape with the microphone alone…

Vernon jumped on stage and grabbed the microphone and also a guitar and his wand. He started moshing out to chasing cars (because he had been chasing cars early lol!) and soon everyone was joining in and it was really good and some peeps even started moshing on the stage and security had to come in and pull them off.,

Is this a school or a rock concert?

Harry was delited that his dad had finally excepted him for what he was ~ a magical dude ~ and moshed harder than anyone even though his glasss fell off and smashed and someone jumped on them and then a bird came and stole them way.

If Vernon suddenly accepted Harry, Harry wouldn’t be delighted, he’d probably assume that his uncle was under the Imperius or some other behavior-altering spell. You know why? Because in canon, Vernon was always the one who was horrible to Harry without any real cause other than hating anything and everything strange or abnormal.

Ginny walked over and started snogging (AN: Its British for macking or frenching!) him real hard like shed never snogged before which she hadn't because she was a vergin or at least almost one because this one time she touched ron but they were cousins so it dddnt really count.

Ginny is Ron’s sister, not his cousin. This was established from their very first scene.

Later they went up the make out point and did some sex in vernons old car.

I’m happy for them.

10 years latter!

(AN: THIS HAPPENS INSTEAD OF THAT STUPID BIT AT THE END OF DEADLY HALOS)

Trust me, we’ve left canon well behind, and whatever you think of the epilogue, this is much, much worse.

Vernon was angry at harry for getting ginny all teen pregnant and stuff but then he looked at the cute baby in his hand and hes heart melted and came out his mouth in the form of a smile and also drool.

Things seem to have gotten even more ridiculous over the timeskip, I see.

"This is a happy day for everyone in the Dudley family and the Wesley family and the Potter family he yelled at everyone at the party.

Since there’s no closing quotation marks, are we to assume that Vernon yelled this entire paragraph? Also, “Dudley” and “Wesley” families?

"CAN YOU SING FOR OLD TIMES SAKE!" yelped Arthur who was keeping it reel on the dancefloor.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t know why, but that particular line just hit me as a summation of all this absurdity.

So Vernon got on the stage and sung that song that had made the baby and everyone was happy except ron who was a bit jelous but also happy.

"If I ley here! Would you lie with mea nd just forget the wolrd" he sang

The song that made the baby- so the song got Ginny pregnant, I take it? And hello there, incestuous!Ron (unless it’s Ginny he’s jealous of? Or Vernon? I give up!)

OUTSIDE THE GIG!

"We're back and joined forces and stronger than ever " said voldemort and Dumbledore at the same time

Fear their randomly-resurrected, stereo-speaking might!

OH NO!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?

PROBABLY NOTHING COS THIS IS A ONEOFF LOL!

Actually it’s not- there’s another chapter of this… thing. But this is all I can take for now.


Last edited by MasterGhandalf on Thu Sep 27, 2012 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Fixing typo/bold)
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Sep 27, 2012 5:06 pm

Ohmigosh. This is HILARIOUS! This is one cool (albeit obvious) troll.

Great sporking, too.
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Mouse
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Sep 27, 2012 6:10 pm

Definitely a troll. That "pies of shit" line and the death note mention confirmed it.
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EileenK98
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Sep 27, 2012 7:42 pm

Comedy gold, man. Comedy gold.
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:40 pm

MasterGhandalf wrote:

It was seven o clock only not really but uncle Verons watch was all broken. He looked at it and sed "f-cking watch it is broken again!!!"

This line alone makes me suspect a troll. For some reason, I'm reminded of "Quarter Life: Halfway to Destruction".

Quote :
"I did not think of that" Vernon confetti as he wiped off the sticky magics that were on every thing.

Confetti? Is someone getting married? Also, I hate it when sticky magics land on everything.

Quote :
"But you are the most powaful wizard of them all. Like even more powered than dumbeledore and that dude with the turban thing put together!"

"That dude with the turban thing"? Definitely a troll. The whole "write an intentionally bad story" joke is wearing seriously thin now.

That said, I think this one needs to be dramatically read, and the reading uploaded!
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MasterGhandalf



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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Fri Sep 28, 2012 2:22 pm

Well, here is the second (and final) chapter of this absurdity. If you thought it was completely ridiculous and the “plot” was nothing but a string of random events beforehand- well, you haven’t seen anything yet.

"NOT SO FAST SIR VERNON OF DURSLY!" shouted Dumbledore as he jumped though the door with his double barrelled wand which was like to wands stuck together with magic tape.

Things I learned from this paragraph: 1. Vernon Dursley has apparently been knighted offscreen, and 2. You can make wands more powerful by taping them together. Who knew?

Vernon put down his drink in and spat it out all over the people dancing in front of them in shock but he was metal that they diddnt care.

Apparently, if you’re “metal”, people won’t care when you spit on them. Huh. Good to know.

"Who are you you crazy bastard?" swallowed Vernon pointing his guitar which had a wand built into the long pointy bit. Every string on the guitar was a dragon hartstring which made the wand like super powered and he accidentally blew the cloths of Tonks because it was so strong.

I’ll actually give the author some credit- dragon heartstring is indeed a material you can use for wand cores in the Harry Potter universe. However, the author immediately loses those points for the wand guitar and out-of-the-blue nonsensical fanservice (why is Tonks even there, anyway?).

"I AM YOUR FARTHER!"

Why is everyone in this thing related to Uncle Vernon? WHY!? For that matter, where exactly are Petunia and Dudley in all of this?

Vernon slapped his knees crying and cryed "How can this be?"

Search your feelings, Vernon- you know it to be true!

Juts then Voldemort smashed through the window bit in the sealing of the gig with a parachute and shouted "don't forget me about me, your sun, VOLDERMORT RIDDLE!"

He can FLY! Why does he have a parachute? Why is he calling himself “Voldemort Riddle” when the entire point of the name “Lord Voldemort” was to get rid of his muggle name? For that matter, if he’s Vernon’s son, where is the “Riddle” coming from in this weird universe? And… why am I bothering anymore?

"NOOOO! How did you live my blast of Avrakadavra?"

"I used…………………. MAGIC!"

This exact line should be used to explain every plot hole in every Harry Potter fic ever. Just saying.

Vernon was to shocked for words and dumble dore took this opportunity and shot twice ~ once in each hart.

WHY ON EARTH DOES VERNON HAVE TWO HEARTS? Is he an alien now? Wait a minute- he has two “harts” that Dumbledore shot. Poor deer…

"NOOOOOOOO~~!" screamed Tonks who was naked and extremly sexy.

Thank you so much for the reminder that Tonks is naked- we might have forgotten in the last five minutes since you established that.

"WHAT? BUT I KILLED YOU!" screamed dumbledore as Vernon came back too live but this time with a vengance like Die Hard.

Well, that does it. The laws of life and death have been completely reduced to fine powder and the end of all things is nigh. Nice knowing you, everyone.

"Then you did not kill me hard enough" and he blasted a rocket spell and Dumbledore who blasted off like team rocket never to be seen again except by aliens on the distant plant Rpatz.

The planet… Rpatz? Robert Pattinson is a planet now? Makes as much sense as anything else in this fic.

"Good job dad!" said voldemort taking of his evil robs.

"I know everything has gone exactly as planed."

So not only was Voldemort apparently in league with Vernon all along, he’s now stripping. WHY?

Under neat Voldemorts robes was a very sexy man with muscles like twices as big as a dumpster and eyes that lit up the room with gold.

GAAAH! Am I the only one who remembers that in canon Voldemort is a skinny old guy who looks like as snake? I don’t think all the brain bleach in the world will help me get over the description of him as “sexy”.

"Oh your so sexy" said Tonks who still naked.

And apparently the author has confused Tonks for her Aunt Bellatrix, the only canon character who might possibly describe Voldemort as sexy and still be reasonably IC.

"You to" Voldemort trpleid.

Then they sexed for a long time on the floor and everyone cheered except when voldemort fell on a peace of glass that had fallen from the roof when he had parachuted in.

He suddenly remembered that he was supposed to be a (heavily implied asexual) Dark Lord out to dominate the entire Wizarding world, and knew he needed the fastest way out of this story he could find!

"ARCKKKKKK How could this be? I only wanted to use my sexy powers for good" he screamed as he died and blood came all over Tonks and the floor and she screamed.

Yes, because murdering people indiscriminately, proclaiming yourself a Lord and trying to take over the world just scream “Good intentions”.

Then he didn't die but jumped up and pulled out the glass and went back sexing ~ only tthis time twice as fast.

Well, at least Bizarromort’s horcruxes appear to be in working order- among other things…

"Boy this is sexy" said Harry.

If you ever find yourself uttering the phrase “boy this is sexy”, seek help immediately. Particularly if you’re talking about your worst enemy- who looks like a red-eyed snake-man- having public sex with one of your friends. On second thought, if you see that, you’ll probably just start drinking heavily and never stop.

It wasn't long before everyone was sexing and the cops had to come and arrest eveyonr but Vernon put a sexing spell ojn them and then they satrted sexing too.

Yay random orgy!

TOMORROW

"No I am headteacher" he bellowed "I will take no crap from noone"

Umbridge walked out crying and kissing a picture of a cat.

Yay random Umbridge!... wait…

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?

A drug-induced hallucination?

I DON'T KNOW!
BUT I MIGHT WRITE IT ONE DAY

When even the author admits they don’t know what they’re doing, you have a problem.

KEEP REVIEWING FOR MORE CHPTERS PLEASEEEEEE!

Well, whether or not they got enough reviews, the author never wrote any more of this story. I’m torn between being grateful for that and wondering what rarified heights of pure nonsense remained for it to ascend to.

And yes, this is likely a trollfic (though the author is a dedicated troll if so- the Death Note fic mentioned in the first chapter’s author’s note is nearly fifty chapters long). It’s so ridiculous, though, that I found I didn’t care.









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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:11 am

Damn it, I had five dollars on Cliff Richard.
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:50 pm

This is trying too hard to be dumb. What kind of badfic author would focus on Vernon? Looks like the deliberate choice of a troll.
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sun Sep 30, 2012 5:41 am

Another 50 cents says the OP wrote it and is now seeking to self promote through self depreciation.
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MasterGhandalf



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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:04 am

Heh, but no- this is legit (or at least, legit troll) and has been around for several years now. I found it via TVTropes liveblog, and the author's profile page is here: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

His Death Note fic actually has a TVTropes page and is apparently just as stupid, but I'm not doing that one since I'm only familiar with the general concept of that series.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:57 am

Fair enough. I used to do it so it seemed a fair bet!

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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:50 pm

Aw, come on, it's a loving homage to My Immortal and Tara Gilespie! I'm still waiting for Voldemint and Masticating!Snape.
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:33 pm

Knorg wrote:
I used to do it

Those were the days...
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:35 pm

grmblfjx wrote:
Knorg wrote:
I used to do it

Those were the days...

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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:58 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:15 pm

The "Disturbance in the force" bit confirmed it's a troll. It was hilarious up until then, but the author decided to lay it on too thick. It's a shame when a perfectly good badfic turns out to be in jest.
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Sat Nov 24, 2012 7:44 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Wed Apr 10, 2013 10:07 pm

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:
This is trying too hard to be dumb. What kind of badfic author would focus on Vernon? Looks like the deliberate choice of a troll.
There's also the obvious point that Voldemort had begun rising to power while Lily (Vernon's sister-in-law) was at Hogwarts. Assuming Vernon's around the same age at Petunia, he'd probably be about a decade or so younger than Voldemort.

It's like people don't even try with the trolling anymore. No
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PostSubject: Re: Who is Voldemort's Dad?   Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:36 pm

I knew it was a troll at "sed".

...

More people need to read Adventures of Dark Yagami. Best trollfic ever.
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