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 Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment

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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Tue Oct 16, 2012 9:29 am

What? For the love of...

No, stop it yaoi authors. And why must they make everyone gay too? I mean if the main is gay it's fine, but there are like no straight couples if that's the case. It's mind baffling.

Read your spork too. had me snickering throughout the whole damn thing. You need to do more of these.
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:57 pm

Two chapters in two days? Boy are you guys unfortunate lucky!

Last time, on Harry Potter and the Fantastic Mr. Ron the Feisty Sentiment:

Harry, Blaise, rapevictim!Ron, and Voldemort (who Blaise needs no explanation for, I guess?) were having a pillow fight, while Snape mercifully stayed away. However, Voldemort has started talking to him, WHAT WILL HE DOOOOOO?!

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Severus was unconsciously hyperventilating and it was causing Voldemort to become very concerned. Voldemort had never seen Severus have such a severe panic attack before however he was sure that Severus had, had panic attacks before of this intensity due to the mental counting the man had been doing.

That's a nice sentence you got there. Be a shame if someone were to make sense of it.

Seriously, is Voldemort implying that Snape's internal counting has been causing panic attacks? Or that the counting is a symptom of one? And if Voldemort can always tell what Snape is thinking and when he is panicking, HOW WAS SNAPE EVER ABLE TO FOOL HIM INTO THINKING HE WAS LOYAL? F.U.C.K.E.R. seems to have forgotten that Snape was never a full slave to Voldemort, at least not after Lily died. And yes, I checked, this story wasn't published until LONG after Deathly Hallows. I'm beginning to think that F.U.C.K.E.R. just threw out all the books after reading the end to GoF and thinking "OMG MUST GET SHIPPING!"

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Severus was a demon vampire hybrid

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Dammit, F.U.C.K.E.R., I thought I could stop making these things!

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Quote :
which was a rarity in its own right. There were very few books on the particular spawn from the clashing of these two dark breeds. Voldemort knew that Severus had a soul mate somewhere out there in the world but he wasn't sure whom it was however Voldemort did know that these panic attacks were the result of the man being unmated for so long.

WHAT?! This is "Mate's" all over again! Come ON, isn't Harrymort ENOUGH for you, F.U.C.K.E.R.?! Why does EVERYONE need to get shipped?! Alright, alright; I'm calling it right now; Neville is secretly a racoon-goblin, and it turns out he's totally made for Lee Jordan, the badger-mermaid, but that's a problem because Stan Shunpike the were-panda has set his sights on him. But if they don't mate soon and produce racoon-badger mermaid-goblin ass-babies, they'll both develop oozing welts on their big toes! I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.

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"Severus, you need to calm down. Everything is going to be okay." Voldemort said calmly.

It took nearly an hour but Voldemort's words did eventually calm Severus down.

Ugh, if I had any drawing talents at all, I would turn this fic into a perfectly sincere webcomic, just for the visuals. Then I'd send a link to F.U.C.K.E.R. and watch her gush over it.

Quote :
Severus smiled sheepishly at Voldemort before leaving the room. Harry was curious as to what Severus was doing so he pulled the Marauder's Map out of his pocket and followed the dot labeled Severus.

Snip Severus dispelling a make-out session, then goes up to the Astronomy tower. Harry, being perfectly normal, puts on his invisibility cloak and follows him.

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When Harry entered the Astronomy tower he was shocked as to what the scene was before him.

"OH DEAR GOD, PROFESSOR! COVER UP!"

Quote :
Severus was curled up tightly on the floor asleep and kept mumbling the name 'Remus'.

Wut

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Harry could only stare in shock. It was no wonder that the man was upset all the time, the git probably thought that Remus wouldn't like him due to his creature blood, werewolves weren't too kind about vampires no matter how small the blood was, as well as the fact that Remus was James and Sirius' friend and those two weren't exactly the kindest people towards Severus.

Okay, I'm beginning to wonder how this whole "mating" thing works. It can't be random, evolution doesn't work that way. Some of the main reasons people find others attractive is due to evolutionary patterns that allow us to subconsciously take into account a person's health and fertility, so I imagine that a species in which mating is so strongly biologically enforced would have some strict evolutionary guidelines as to what was desirable in a mate and what wasn't. WHAT, pray tell, is a good reason for two species that are mortal enemies to want to breed? That's like a woman suddenly being unable to resist the urge to bear the child of a rhinocerous. Does "creature" DNA encourage evolution through hybrid-making? Do "creatures" never fall in love with their own kind?

Oh, wait, I forgot, this is the one who thought the average thirteen-year-old would gladly sign up to be a sex slave to an adult stranger. Carry on.

Quote :
Harry decided that it was time to write a letter to his longtime family friend.

Dear Remus,

Hello my fellow wolfie friend. I truly miss you around Hogwarts these days. I wish you could have kept on teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. The reason I am writing to you is about a matter of the utmost importance. How do you feel about Severus Snape? I am asking you about Severus because I found out recently of something that is quite troubling.

He has this odd habit of sobbing while masturbating in the Astronomy tower for hours on end. I know this because of... reasons. Is this normal behavior for a canon-rape victim?

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The man has creature blood in him but it is up to him to ever let you know of what creature he is the only thing I will hint at is that he is a hybrid. Anyway his creature blood cries out to you but he is deathly afraid of actually asking you to become a part of his life for reasons I am sure you understand. I will not force you two to come together and I know that my job as matchmaker might not work as well for you two but I would like you to consider at least talking with Severus. I fear for his health for the longer he goes without his mate the more his health diminishes. If you have any form of a heart-which I know you do- then you will consider coming to Hogwarts and visiting Severus.

Love,

Harry

P.S. Could you spare us a few of your commas? I know the rations nowadays are hard enough to handle already but please think of all the students in need.

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Harry sent off his letter with Hedwig to 12 Grimmauld Place where he knew that Remus was currently residing.

Harry didn't know about 12 Grimmauld Place until he was fifteen!

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Later that evening in the Great Hall the Triwizard cup spewed out the names of the champions which ended up being Viktor Krum, Fleur Delacour, Cedric Diggory, and surprisingly Harry Potter.

Surpisingly.

SURPRISINGLY.

That's ALL you have to say?!

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Nearly everyone except for his friends and the professors thought that Harry was a liar and a cheat.

Um, no, just about everyone but fake!Moody and maybe Hermione were convinced Harry had put his name in. Oh, whoops, that would provide conflict and tension. Can't have that now, can we?

Quote :
Harry was neither a liar nor a cheat for he knew automatically that 'Moody' had been the one that placed his name in the cup and Harry also knew that the reason for him being in the tournament was so that he could prove his worth of the title 'Dark Prince' for the death eaters whom were still skeptical about him.

Ah-

AH---------------------

HOW???!!!

Quote :
He went along told everyone that he simply didn't know how his name was in the cup so that he could continue proving his worth instead of becoming a tattle tale.

Quote :
tattle tale

Quote :
tattle tale

Quote :
tattle tale

Telling your professors that there's a DEATH EATER in the school, and that he's trying to kill you, is TATTLING.

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This section wasn't even long, but I'm already DONE. See you.
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Ya-u

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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Oct 19, 2012 7:45 am

I really want to draw some ridiculous fanart for this fic. XD
Particularly Harry and Ron with their animal parts.

I'm enjoying the snark, too. It's making the craziness of the story actually funny.
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Oct 19, 2012 12:24 pm

Agreed. sadly my drawing skills are mediocre, and GOD what is with this author and shipping people? I thought the naruto fandom had it bad.

Has anyone ever done a FULL snark of that one fic where they're all hermaprohdite animal/human things? I know someone on here started one, but it was never finished in full. Poor thing, probably committed suicide from the badness.
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Oct 19, 2012 10:13 pm

Kakashifan727 wrote:
Has anyone ever done a FULL snark of that one fic where they're all hermaprohdite animal/human things? I know someone on here started one, but it was never finished in full. Poor thing, probably committed suicide from the badness.

You mean "For Your Eyes Only"? I wanted to spork it myself, but I know nothing of Naruto canon, so I would be unable to point out things like OOC. A PPC sporking can be found here, but some people don't like the PPC format. I, for one, am not a big fan of how most PPC missions abridge stories and conclude the sporking before the fic is over, so I just read the raw fic.

But I had to stop reading it when... well, THIS happened:

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*shiver*
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bleachedblackcat
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Oct 19, 2012 10:15 pm

... wha?
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:17 pm

Last time on Harry Potter and the Endless Crackships Feisty Sentiment:

Snape is inexplicably in love with Lupin and Dobby was watching!, then Harry decides to not be a total pathetic whiner like that canon idiot, and allow a murderous Death Eater to run around school without telling any of his teachers.

Quote :
Harry was lying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, when he heard someone open the dormitory door. He glanced at the alarm clock beside his bed which read one thirty five in the morning before glancing at the intruders.

Does Harry have insomnia? Why else would he just be sitting around, staring at the ceiling when he should have been sleeping hours ago? Why isn't he talking to anybody?

Quote :
The intruders happened to be a quiet Seamus and Ron whom were coming in late because of their Slytherin lovers.

Um, are you trying to imply what I THINK you're trying to imply, F.U.C.K.E.R.? I don't think students are allowed in other house's common rooms, much less their dorms, and I'm pretty sure there are teachers to make sure stuff like that doesn't happen.

Quote :
Harry couldn't help but smirk before coughing which caused both boys to jump out of their skin.

"Merlin Harry! You nearly gave us a bloody heart attack!" Ron whispered angrily.

"Oh really? How do you think I feel when I had to explain to Hermione- on my own mind you- as to why you two weren't in bed by curfew?"

*GASP*

Hermione... EXISTS?

Seriously, I was beginning to think that some virus had somehow managed to destroy all magical folk that lacked penises. Why was Hermione completely absent until this moment?

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"We are really sorry Harry! We just needed to get rid of some stress and the best way to do that was by spending some time with our lovers." Seamus explained quietly.

"Let's make it up to him Seamus." Ron whispered mischievously.

GAAAAAAH NO NO

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That was the only warning Harry got before he was assaulted by his red head and Irish friends. Seamus and Ron snuggled up to Harry's side.

STOOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIT

Seriously, does F.U.C.K.E.R. REALLY think teenage boys act like this? They act like freakin'... what the hell do they even act like? I can't think of a single example of a human being who would act like these shapeless gobs of cuddle-slime.

Quote :
Harry sighed softly as he felt like a father to the two whom had always acted more childish than himself.

Hmmmm, last time I checked canon, Harry and Ron were at just about the same level of maturity. Of course, that does seem to apply here, too; Harry, Ron, and Seamus all appear to be six years old. Why does the author suddenly think she can play the "Team Dad" card on Harry? The other characters have been treating him like a little kid since the story began!

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That night Harry fell asleep while Seamus and Ron curled up against him like kittens to a mother cat.

That is, tugging and biting at his milk-engorged nipples. Seriously, F.U.C.K.E.R., what is with all the furry imagery?

Quote :
The next morning Harry woke up and looked at his friends- "sons"- sleepily. Seamus and Ron were still deeply asleep if the soft snores were anything to go by. Harry carefully extracted himself from his "sons" and went to the bathroom. Once inside the humongous bathroom, which happened to be only slightly smaller than the prefect's bathroom due to the large amount of Gryffindor students in their year, Harry quickly stripped and got in the shower.

...What? Did Hogwarts rebuild the bathroom to accomodate a large class? I have a hard time buying that...

Quote :
The shower lasted for all of ten minutes before his "sons" burst into the room.

"Harry-

You left us!" Seamus and Ron whined together while their mouths curled into pouts.

AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH

Look, I've learned to expect this behavior from Ron-- after all, he prefers to bottom, so he's completely incapable of functioning as an independent organism-- but what the hell is wrong with Seamus? The author said that Seamus is supposed to be a seme, so by her own logic, he should be completely capable. Why is he suddenly clinging to Harry?

Quote :
"I just wanted a shower geesh guys!" Harry complained playfully.

"You could have at least woke us up Har." Seamus complained just as playfully.

After the bathroom fiasco

Fiasco? Wouldn't a fiasco imply that something interesting or funny happened? All they did was talk.

Quote :
Harry, Seamus, and Ron headed to the Great Hall for everyone else in Gryffindor had already gone down a few moments earlier. When Harry entered the Great Hall the light and playful atmosphere that he was once in quickly disappeared as mostly everyone in the Great Hall glared at him so Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table silently. Neville patted Harry on the shoulder in a comforting way as if to say 'forget all the arseholes in the hall Har, you still got all of us Gryffindors and a few slytherins to back you up'.

Why is everyone calling Harry "Har"? It reminds me of an ongoing joke we had in elementary school. I lived in an area where most kids were given long, descriptive names, so the kids in school decided that the first three letters in your name were your nickname, resulting in a lot of girls called "Kai" and "Lil", and one boy called "D'ma". Despite the fact that I only had a two-syllable name, people called me "Aud".

[/meaningless childhood anecdote, instead of just complaining that the name "Harry" does not need shortening]

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Harry smiled at Neville before he started eating. Neville told Harry the great news of how he had been brave enough to hold up a three minute conversation with Luna before getting flustered.

*ALERT*ALERT*ALERT*

THERE IS A HETEROSEXUAL PAIRING IN THIS FANFIC, I REPEAT, THERE IS A HETEROSEXUAL PAIRING IN THIS FANFIC

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Harry congratulated Neville while he ate before his mind drifted off into the lands of the unknown at least that was till Hedwig brought him a bunch of letters. There was a howler from Mrs. Weasley, a letter from Ginny, a note from Sirius, and a letter from Remus. Harry decided that he would listen to the howler first.

What? What does Molly have to be angry at Harry for?

Quote :
How dare you endanger yourself! I was finally getting over the shock of where you spent your summer and now you already trying to get yourself killed once more?! Please be careful Harry. I see you as a son so don't get yourself killed!

Molly would NOT feel the need to send Harry a Howler just to get such a simple point across! The only reason she sent one to Ron in CoS was because he'd damaged property and caused major problems for the family. Yes, Molly would probably send a letter to ask Harry not to participate, but she would never do it in such an angry manner!

Oh, and way to undermine Molly's love for Harry. Two sentences reprimanding him, a few words of generic warning, and then "OMG I LOEV YU LIEK FAMLEE". Yes, Molly did accept Harry as her son, but she never went out and said it except in one conversation when she was told that "it's not like he's your son" and replied "He's as good as!"
I liked it better that way. Having Molly just come out and say it so casually to him really cheapens the effect.

Quote :
Harry stared at the now shredded silent red envelope and smiled small before moving onto Ginny's letter.

Dear Harry,

I am sorry that I ignored you this summer. I was just overcoming something that is overwhelming within my personal life so I didn't have much time to think about you. You were probably as safe as can be but I was always taught that Malfoys were a rather vile family. I understand now that just because they say a few rather insulting comments that it doesn't make them horrid people. I hope you don't see me as an enemy anymore, if you ever did that is.

Sincerely,

Ginny

"Yeah, just because they looked down their noses at us due to our poverty and willingness to associate with Muggles, and constantly flaunted their belief in pureblood supremacy doesn't means they're bad people! In fact, I'm suddenly feeling a bizarre urge to wear a ridiculously expensive outfit and get molested by Draco! I'm sure you know what I mean."

And why would Harry ever think of Ginny as an enemy? As a nuisance, maybe, but never an enemy!

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He looked at Ginny and nodded at her. Ginny smiled small before returning to her food.

Wait, that's right, Ginny's in the school right now. I'd nearly forgotten due to her COMPLETE LACK OF APPEARANCES. So why did she send him a note by mail?

Quote :
After their short silent conversation Harry turned to Sirius' note and then Remus' letter.

Harry-

Good job finding another dangerous adventure. I always knew the Marauder blood was strong in you. –Sirius


Harry simply grinned maniacally before turning his attention to the last letter.

I don't think F.U.C.K.E.R. knows what "maniacally" means. Also, Sirius never signed his notes "Sirius", because he knew that if someone intercepted it, they would interrogate Harry for details on his location. He always referred to himself as "Snuffles".

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Dear Harry,

I am going to be coming up to Hogwarts this weekend to speak with Severus. I will be meeting with him at noon on Saturday and if time allows I will visit you when I am done before I leave. Since I have a strong sense of smell due to the side effects of Moony I already figured out that Severus was a demon vampire hybrid however I had not realized that the two of us were mates. Do not worry I will fix the mistakes I have made hopefully it is not too late. Thanks for giving me the kick in the arse that I needed. Maybe you should consider making a business at this matchmaking thing. Hopefully I will see you this Saturday pup but if I can't then I will arrange another day to see you. By the way due be careful in this tournament.

Sincerely,

Remus

Oh. Dear. God.

It is WAY too late for this.
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:00 pm

Last time, on Harry Potter and the Worldwide Comma Shortage Feisty Sentiment:

A letter from Lupin almost made me give up on life. Here it is!

Quote :
Dear Harry,

I am going to be coming up to Hogwarts this weekend to speak with Severus. I will be meeting with him at noon on Saturday and if time allows I will visit you when I am done before I leave.


Or, I could visit with you first, and THEN with the man who I've been unable to stand since childhood. But that would just be SILLY!

Quote :
Since I have a strong sense of smell due to the side effects of Moony

Um, what? Is "Moony" a new euphemism for lycanthropy? Has Lupin actually developed a split personality known as Moony?

Quote :
I already figured out that Severus was a demon vampire hybrid however I had not realized that the two of us were mates. Do not worry I will fix the mistakes I have made hopefully it is not too late. Thanks for giving me the kick in the arse that I needed. Maybe you should consider making a business at this matchmaking thing.

After all, everyone you know is suddenly hooking up with strangers! You must be doing SOMETHING right.

Quote :
Hopefully I will see you this Saturday pup but if I can't then I will arrange another day to see you. By the way due be careful in this tournament.

Sincerely,

Remus

P.S. Please stop asking me for commas. As much as I would like to help you my rations have been cut down to the point that I can only use them in the salutation and conclusion of each letter. I'm very sorry.

Quote :
-Time skip to Saturday-

Severus was lying on his couch as he stared into the flames of the roaring fireplace on the wall near the couch. No one knew but Severus was actually quite a submissive person and this was one of the main reasons he helped Ron out all those nights ago.

Shut up, F.U.C.K.E.R. You just want to not have to include an OOC warning for Snape.

Quote :
Severus had been in a similar situation before however he wasn't raped he was just being used. Way back when during his sixth year at Hogwarts Severus had been in a relationship with Rabastan Lestrange.

Okay, I looked this up on the wiki. Apparently Rabastan is the canonical brother of Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix's old husband. He was a Death Eater, sure, but... I feel bad that he had to be drawn into this shit.

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Rabastan wasn't a horrible person per say

Again, Death Eater.

Quote :
however he was quite rough and in other words a bit of a moron when it came to seeing the ways of the heart. Severus remembered all those years ago when Lucius had picked up Severus' broken body off the library floor one night around midnight.

Wait. Snape went to Hogwarts the same year as the Marauders, and Lucius is never mentioned as having been in school at the same time. I'm pretty sure Lucius was much older than all of them...

Quote :
That night Rabastan had roughly made love to Severus before throwing to the floor and claiming that their relationship was over.

Will we find out why this happened? And why it had to be in the library? NOPE.

...

OMG FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!!!!!!111

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Severus had cried for the first time in his life that night for he only ever wished to be loved.

For the first time... in his life? So Snape never cried as a baby when he needed something, or as a child when he got frustrated, or even as a teenager when Lily stopped being friends with him? No? Well, okay.

Quote :
Lucius was a bisexual man however he was betrothed to Narcissa so he couldn't exactly give Severus the right type of love that he needed however Lucius was able to be a great friend and nearly a brother in all but blood.

This.

Is.

POINTLESS.

Quote :
Severus must have fallen asleep while he was thinking about the old days because he woke up once he heard a loud knock on the door. The clock above the fireplace read eleven fifty seven so Severus guessed that it was Remus and wasn't disappointed when he saw the werewolf as soon as he opened the door.

"Hello Severus." Remus spoke softly.

"Hi R-Remus" Severus stuttered slightly as he blushed and silently cursed himself for stuttering.

It's okay, Lupin can always cure that with a bubble bath.

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Remus smiled at the nervous man before coming into the room.

Whoa whoa whoa, Lupin, hold on! You two haven't even had your first date yet!

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Severus closed the door once the werewolf was inside and went back to siting on his couch. Remus took a seat across from the man on a rather comfy chair. Severus curled up so that his knees were pressed tightly against his chest but otherwise stayed silent. Remus broke the silence after a few moments in order to comfort the man in front of him that looked like he was about to have a panic attack.

Severus breathed heavily for a moment. Remus watched him with worry. Severus was okay. Remus was happy. Severus reached up to scratch his nose real quick. Remus swatted at a fly, but missed. Severus sighed with boredom. Remus wondered when this scene would end. Dumbledore burst in yelling, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!"

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"Severus, I can sense that you are my mate and I already know what creature you are. Harry told me that you already knew that I was your mate yet you never told me so my question is how are you faring with all of this?" Remus asked softly.

"I have constantly feared rejection. Your friends never liked me much so I assumed that you didn't like me either. Werewolves don't like vampires nor demons so I knew that you probably even hated me further for that fact because I knew you could sense me back in our school days." Severus murmured.

"Also, I have this nasty habit of laying my psyche out on the table for everyone to see. I just don't know of a guy who could see past all that."

Quote :
"Severus I could never hate you. If you remember I never even so much as glared at you. Whenever I knew that James and Sirius were going to prank you I tried to sabotage their plans.

"Yeah, don't you remember that happening? I mean, 'cause, it totally happened. Really."

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Honestly, back then I did not know that you were my mate and I still did not know until a few days ago when Harry told me through a letter. I can now feel the immense pull to love and protect you when previously I had unconsciously blocked those feelings for the simple fact that I was scared of falling in love whom might deem me as a monster." Remus explained

"So many people have shunned me before they even knew me, just because I have no idea how to punctuate my long, rambling, sentences."

Quote :
Severus looked up at Remus and smiled. Remus was so unused to seeing those lips curl up so pleasantly that it was no wonder what happened next.

Oh, so THIS is the part where Dobby starts watching.

Quote :
Severus had been smiling one moment and the next he was being pushed into the couch by Remus as the werewolf attempted to ravish him. Remus hovered over Severus intimately as he caressed Severus' lips and neck with his lips. When the small incident finished Severus was panting as he stared up at Remus lovingly. Severus' lips were swollen and he had small love bites as well as a large hickey on his neck not to mention his clothes were rather rumpled and his hair disheveled. Remus grinned brightly before gently pulling Severus into his lap and together they snuggled close in an affectionate matter for a few hours.

So, basically, it's the scene where Enoby and Darko make out keenly against a tree, but instead of him putting his thingy in her you-know-what and them doing it for the first time, they cuddle for a few hours. Look, F.U.C.K.E.R., I love to cuddle as much as the next person, and I understand that these characters probably aren't ready for sex when they've just reconciled after so many years, but do we REALLY need to know this?

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-Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Tower-

Voldemort was sitting on Harry's bed which was shocking to most of the tower's occupants but they soon got over their shock and kept quiet about the unannounced visitor.

I'm going to translate this into a modern-day Muggle situation, to help us try to understand it.

"Hey, is that Hitler next to that kid's bed?"

"What, no way-- OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT IS HITLER."

"Wh-what do we do?"

"Pfffft, nothing. Go back to sleep."

The end.

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Harry played with Voldemort's long slender pale fingers as he thought about what Remus had said in his letter. Voldemort knew that something was on his younger lover's mind so he asked what was bothering him but he never expected the answer he got.

"Voldemort, do you think that I should become a professional matchmaker?

You're fourteen! You can't be a professional ANYTHING!

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I would take up wand lore on the side of course as being a matchmaker probably wouldn't make a lot of money. There is an unused building in Hogsmead that I could set up my business in if the building was still for sale by the time I got out of school." Harry commented.

Seeing as that's four years from now, I wouldn't count on it.

Quote :
"Well, um, that is a rather odd choice but I think you would do well at it since your previous attempts at matchmaking have been such a success as well as how peaceful your personality can be." Voldemort said with a smile.

"Also, considering the ridiculous number of crack pairing F.U.C.K.E.R. still needs to squeeze into one fic, we really ought to at least make some cash off of them."

Quote :
Harry grinned and kissed Voldemort's jaw for his positive response. Voldemort let out a playful growl before tickling Harry mercilessly. Harry giggled wildly and the only way he could get Voldemort to stop his tickling attack was to make out with him which didn't bother Harry one bit.

Awwww, how sweet-- YOU GUYS ARE IN A FUCKING DORM ROOM! TONE. IT. DOWN.

Quote :
Voldemort and Harry were in the midst of snogging when the door to the dormitory slammed opened and revealed a frustrated Hermione Jean Granger.

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione yelled, eerily sounding like a mother hen.

No.

NO.

nononononononononononononono

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:28 pm

Quote :
however he was quite rough and in other words a bit of a moron when it came to seeing the ways of the heart. Severus remembered all those years ago when Lucius had picked up Severus' broken body off the library floor one night around midnight.

Wait, when the hell did aving sex with someone so hard they're in a pool of their own blood before breaking up with them become just a tiny tad unfeeling?


Yay! Hermione is here to hex Voldie and take off that curse he's laid on the entire school, the one that makes them think he's really a good person! Go girl, go!
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:08 am

I'm very excited for the snark of the next chapter. The story just seems to be getting more and more ridiculous! XD

SouthSimGal wrote:
Quote :
however he was quite rough and in other words a bit of a moron when it came to seeing the ways of the heart. Severus remembered all those years ago when Lucius had picked up Severus' broken body off the library floor one night around midnight.

Wait. Snape went to Hogwarts the same year as the Marauders, and Lucius is never mentioned as having been in school at the same time. I'm pretty sure Lucius was much older than all of them...

Actually, Snape and Lucius were at Hogwarts at the same time, but if I recall correctly Snape's first year was Lucius last year. So, the story still makes no sense because Snape would have been about eleven when Lucius was still at school and therefore probably not having tons of rough sex. Anyway, Lucius was a prefect and befriended Snape. Lucius always spoke very highly of Snape and it is suggested that that is why Snape is Draco's favorite teacher.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Oct 21, 2012 5:24 pm

This is great snark, SouthSimGal. You've certainly earned your golden spork with this story. I suppose we can't rag on the OOC, because we were at least warned.

...Actually, yeah, we can rag on that. Harry/Voldemort?! The whole point of the Potterverse is the fight for Harry to survive and defeat Voldemort and the Dark Lord's only ambition is to kill Harry. After their encounter in Philosopher's Stone, he didn't even try to turn Harry to his side. Did the whole convoluted Goblet of Fire plan to get Harry to the Grave to revive himself and KILL Harry! Sent his snake, containing part of his soul, to KILL Harry!

Who the hell sees Voldemort using the Cruciatas curse to torture Harry and thinks,'that there? That's twu wuv!'

Nuts. The author is nuts. More nuts than the contents of a Squirrel's colon.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Oct 21, 2012 7:15 pm

Last time, on Harry Potter and the Nonchalant Encounters with Wizard Hitler Feisty Sentiment:

Snape and Lupin finally got together after that grueling half-chapter of suspense, and Harry wants be a matchmaker. Also, Hermione just ran into the boy's dorm yelling "VAMPIRE POTTER YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" or something, I can't even remember.

Quote :
Harry Potter, the boy who lived to be embarrassed, was currently lying under his mate when one of his friends barged into the room.

Well, that's what happens when you make out with the Dark Lord in a public sleeping area.

Quote :
He couldn't help but yelp in surprise before trying to bury his face in Voldemort's robes.

Oh no, Ron's uke-virus has spread to Harry! Or perhaps it started with Harry, and then progressed faster in Ron.

Quote :
Voldemort was annoyed beyond belief at the little chit ruining his personal time with Harry.

"Yeah, it's almost as if she didn't expect to find the Lord of all Evil making out with her best friend when she went to tell him something. I mean, come ON, like you've never seen THIS before?"

Quote :
When Voldemort looked down and saw that Harry was trying to hide himself he frowned deeply.

"What do you want?" Voldemort demanded.

"I want to know why Hedwig just delivered a package filled with illegal books to the common room and it's addressed to Harry J. Potter." Hermione shrieked.

Ugh, that dialogue does sound a lot like Hermione, but she does not SHRIEK out everything! And WHY is she not shocked to see Voldemort? Does he have one of those "glamour" things on to make him look like a normal student? Did he have a talk with everyone, explaining why he's here? Why is no one suspicious of him?

Also, I'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen at the end of the challenges. Obviously, Voldemort is already alive and well, so why did anyone even bother putting Harry's name in the Goblet? Voldy doesn't need his blood!

Quote :
"I am doing research Hermione." Harry murmured.

"You shouldn't be doing illegal research!" Hermione screamed.

Calm down, Hermione! Okay, if I were suddenly vaulted into this fic, I would probably be screaming in anguish too.

Quote :
Ginny suddenly entered the room and said, "Hermione is it really necessary to scream so loud. I understand you are pissed but siriusly,

HOO HOO HOO

Quote :
get over it. So Harry got some illegal books it's not as if he is turning into the next dark lord or anything

"He's just sleeping with him!"

Quote :
he is just trying to do some reading on subjects not offered here."

Nice of Deus ex Ginny to show up and defend Harry on this.

Also, what "subjects" are we talking about here? The only books I can imagine being censored in the wizarding world (at least, before Voldy's return) would be instruction books on the Dark Arts. So yeah, Hermione has every right to be concerned that you're "turning into the next Dark Lord", especially when she takes into account your circle of friends lately.

Quote :
Everyone stared at Ginny.

It sure was nice of her to drop from the sky and tell Hermione off like that!

Quote :
Voldemort and Harry were watching her in both shock as well as thankful.

Nice parallel sentence structure there.

Quote :
However, Hermione was simply watching Ginny with an unreadable expression on her face. After ten minutes of silence

Alright, an hour on rape foreplay, a "few hours" on post-heart-to-heart cuddling, and now ten minutes of post-burn staring. Does ANYBODY is this fic have someplace to BE?!

Quote :
Hermione murmured something that suspiciously sounded like 'stupid hot red heads' before dropping the package of illegal books on the floor and leaving the room.

Hermione does not give up that easily! She had Harry's Firebolt forcably taken away because she thought it might be booby trapped! She wouldn't just admit defeat after a paragraph of nonsense! I can only hope that she's walking away to report this to a teacher.

Quote :
Ginny grinned brightly and waved at Voldemort and Harry before going after Hermione.

In other words, this whole scene could have been replaced by "Harry got some illegal books in the mail."

Quote :
Voldemort and Harry looked at each other before they started laughing.

"I am not even going to bother to figure out what the hell that was all about." Harry said with a smile.

Neither am I.

Quote :
"Neither am I Darling, so let's see those books that are supposedly illegal." Voldemort said as he caressed Harry's cheek.

Voldemort's eyes were clouded slightly with lust

Or with glaucoma. It was hard to tell sometimes.

Quote :
causing Harry to let out a small shudder of pleasure before heading over to the package of books on the floor. Harry was almost at the package when Voldemort suddenly tackled him from behind.

Then shoved his wand into his neck and cried, "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry Potter dropped to the floor, dead at last. Voldemort sighed in relief as he stood up. He wasn't sure why doing this hadn't occured to him before, but at least this was over now.

Suddenly, Harry's body began to stir. "Dammit! How many times do I have to kill you, boy!" He turned, wand at the ready, but was shocked by what he saw.

"Buh-- who are YOU?!"

"At last!" The creature cried. "I've been attached to that Potter boy's soul far too long! Now that you've disposed of him, I can finally begin my mission!"

"But-- WHO?"

"Why, I'm F.U.C.K.E.R! I've come into your world to bring all of my crack OTPs to life! Now, come here so I can feed off of your soul, too!"

"Wait-- how long were you in that body?"

"From the very beginning! But that's over now, I'm finally going to inhabit a body with power!"

"Wait, so when the Potter boy and I-- that was YOU--"

"Well, I couldn't just leave you ALONE to do it, or you might mess it up..."

Voldemort then vomited. F.U.C.K.E.R. held his long, handsome, bishie-hair back for him. Then she jumped into his body, brushed his teeth, and set about destroying canon as we know it.

The end.

Quote :
He let out a small giggle before wiggling slightly in order for him to be able to turn enough to see Voldemort's face. Voldemort snogged Harry senseless and all Harry could do was wrap his arms around Voldemort's neck. They moaned in union and it wasn't long before their groins decided to thrust against each other.

"Sentient groins" were on of the may side effects of wizard Viagra.

Quote :
Even though both lovers were fully clothed they still managed to get so passionate that they both came in their trousers.

And they JIZZED IN THEIR PANTS.

Quote :
Voldemort was panting slightly after their intense sexual escapade.

Frottage: now an INTENSE SEXUAL ESCAPADE.

Quote :
Harry leaned up and lightly kissed Voldemort's serpentine nose. The two stared at each other for a few minutes before they began to grin.

Again, who stares at someone for a full minute? I'd get kinda creeped out.

Quote :
"So, um, how about we take a look at those books?" Harry suggested shyly.

"Of course love, I'll just go and sit on your bed." Voldemort said.

Cockblocked by a book. Sounds more like something that would happen to Ron.

Quote :
Voldemort carefully got off of Harry and headed towards the twin sized bed. Harry picked up the small pile of books and headed over to his bed. He sat the books on the bottom of the bed before climbing into bed himself.


The true main character in this story: the bed.

Quote :
Harry tugged the books towards them before snuggling into Voldemort's side. Voldemort however decided to move Harry into his lap causing the younger man to pout.

I think we might have entered Legend of Korra with all this pouting.

Quote :
"What?" Voldemort asked amusedly.

"Now I can't see your face." Harry said while still pouting.

Voldemort's face: It is the light and the life of the world.

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Yeah, hell for me.


Quote :
Voldemort turned Harry so that he was sitting sideways in his lap. Harry rested his head against Voldemort's shoulder and picked up the first book. The book was bound in brown leather and was titled 'Darkness of Wand lore'. Together the two read the book and got nearly halfway through before Harry began to become a dead weight. Voldemort looked down and saw that the reason was the fact that Harry had fallen asleep. Carefully placing a bookmark in their book, Voldemort made sure to set their book along with the others on the bedside table and then lay down with Harry. Harry snuggled into this chest and soon Voldemort was just as lost to the world as Harry was as his dreams overtook him.

Aren't you guys so glad that this scene happened? It was just so important!

Yeah, that's about the halfway point of this chapter, so I'll leave you guys at this. Just remember, Voldy is watching you.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:40 pm

I can't...BWAHAHAHAHA!!

And thanks for the link by the way. Already read it, and I also don't like the way the PPC does things. was thinking of joining in the beginning, too. But not after some of the stuff I read.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:53 am

Hahahaha, oh dear. That was hilarious.

I keep reading Voldemort's dialogue in the voice of Voldemort from A Very Potter Musical. It's quite comical.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Thu Oct 25, 2012 12:11 pm

This is hilarious...someone should really do a comic.

Although I could have done without Jesus!Voldie.... Shocked


Anyway, I hope there's more cuddling, girlishness, and cookie dough! Sounds like a party!
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sat Oct 27, 2012 9:14 pm

Last time, on Harry Potter and the Constant Snuggling Feisty Sentiment:

Hermione showed up, served no purpose, Ginny showed up, served no purpose, Voldy and Harry frottaged around for a bit, then read some illegal books. Harry is now sleeping. And, of course, dreaming.

Quote :
They were in a study, a study which looked ridiculously familiar but neither Harry nor Voldemort could remember where they had seen it.

Wait, Voldy and Harry are sharing a dream? Huh?

Quote :
The room however was bloody freezing for Harry so the room slowly changed and turned into a forest, a rainforest to be exact.

Okay, they're lucid dreaming, so they can control whatever happens. When did they learn to do that?

Quote :
Voldemort shed off most of his clothes until he was only in a white tank top and black silk boxers.

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I wanted a more accurate picture for you guys, but... I don't know how many pictures of silk boxers I can look at without losing my sanity.

Quote :
Harry hung from a tree by his tail

Lemur tails are made to support LEMURS, not humanoid creatures. I hope Harry likes getting his coccyx torn out.

Quote :
dragged Voldemort up so that his mate could be with him in the huge tree. Voldemort rested his back against the tree trunk while he allowed his legs to stretch out along the thick tree branch he was currently settled on. Harry snuggled into Voldemort's chest happily as his tail curled around Voldemort's thigh.

Are they going to fall asleep again? I mean, why lucid dream about doing something you JUST did in real life? Do they really like rain forests that much?

Quote :
Voldemort nuzzled Harry gently and the two were about to become extremely passionate when they noticed two wolves below them.

Wha...? Wolves don't live in the rainforests.

Quote :
There was a white wolf with blue grey eyes and a light brown wolf with bright blue eyes.

F.U.C.K.E.R. is a wolfaboo. This means that the wolves in question probably look less like wolves and more like this:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Yes, that's supposed to be a wolf.

Quote :
Harry noticed that both wolves were males however the white wolf seemed to be pregnant.

If you are close enough to a wild wolf to make out its gender, you are way too close.

Quote :
Harry woke up abruptly. Who did those wolves represent?

Maybe. They're just. Wolves.

Quote :
Harry wondered before turning to Voldemort. Voldemort was still sleeping peacefully so Harry decided to read one of his books. The book Harry picked up this time was titled 'Black Magick'.

Well, obviously you can trust magical tips from someone who can't spell "magic".

Quote :
As Harry flipped through the contents he found out that this book was on every type of dark magic there was.

Um, in one book?

Quote :
The book contained the dark side of the following subjects: Transfiguration, Charms, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Potions, Divination, Astronomy, Creatures, Hexes, Curses, Spells, Fighting, Wand Making, and Business.

Wha--? Business? What, like how to embezzle money by possessing your boss?

Quote :
Since Harry had some time to waste he decided to take a glance at the Transfiguration portion of the book however he found a paragraph in the Transfiguration section that talked about Animagus and referred to a spell.

Animagi aren't Dark magic!

Quote :
Harry quickly flipped to the page in the spell section and found a spell that would allow you to tell a person's Animagus form by simply seeing the word overtop of their head. He noticed that most of his roommates were now in the room in their designated beds so he decided to see what their forms were.

Yeah, that won't work, you see, only Animagi have Animagus form--

Quote :
Ron ended up being a fox.

Oooorrrrrrrrr fuck you. That's good too.

So the spell shows the person's POSSIBLE Animagus form. Yeah, what about this makes it Dark magic?

I, for one, am SICK of the way Suethors always have good characters practice Dark magic, claiming that "omg its just light magic but its dark yoo gaiz dat dont meen its evil!!!111". We've seen Dark magic in canon, we've had it explained to us. Think about the canon Dark Magic, F.U.C.K.E.R. The Unforgivables, Fiendfyre, Horcruxes, Inferi... do ANY of those sound good to you? Those are all used to kill, torture, and control people. They involve SOUL MUTILATION, for crying out loud! There is no GOOD Dark magic, hence the word "dark"!

Quote :
Blaise whom decided to stay with Ron tonight ended up being a coyote.

Did F.U.C.K.E.R. just forget that Hogwarts is a school with teachers and not just some sort of omgmagick resort? There are people making sure kids don't spend the night in other people's rooms, you know!

Quote :
Seamus and Draco, whom had snuck in at some point,

At least F.U.C.K.E.R. acknowledges that she has no way of making this possible.

Quote :
were both wolves. Wait a second Seamus and Draco are both wolves! They must be the ones in my dream. I wonder if Draco is really pregnant or if that was just a dream or even possibly a vision about the future?

What a lame vision! If only I could have looked to the future to see if we would find enough commas to sustain us soon...

Quote :
Harry happened to glance at the clock at noticed that it was nearly six in the morning so he got out of bed but as he was about to leave Voldemort suddenly grabbed his wrist.

"Where are you going?" Voldemort questioned sleepily.

"It is nearly six in the morning so I was going to grab a shower before the other guys wake up. Would you like to join me?" Harry whispered.

NONONONONONO

Alright, F.U.C.K.E.R.'s sex scenes are mega-boring, so we'll just skip to--

Quote :
When Voldemort pulled away he chuckled before amusedly responding, "Well I am glad that an old man like me can still thrust like a teenager."

Shocked

Quote :
"Damn right." Harry said with a grin.

Voldemort and Harry quickly finished washing each other's bodies before they dried each other off with a thick black towel. Once they were dry they got dressed but since Harry had classes today Voldemort had to leave.

Oh really? I'm surprised Voldy doesn't just put on the invisibility cloak and shadow him all day.

Quote :
Voldemort kissed Harry goodbye before he left and no one besides the Gryffindors had seen Voldemort ever appear.

Fortunately, a load of Gryffindors, many of whose parents had spent their youth fighting Voldemort, were not the least bit shocked or frightened by a resurrected Voldy randomly appearing in their dorm.

Quote :
Harry walked down to the Great Hall and sat down. While Harry was eating however someone came up behind him and kissed the back of his neck.

Dammit, Voldemort, just because I mentioned it doesn't mean I RECOMMEND it--

Quote :
Harry jumped scaredly and turned around only to be pinned down by Marcus Flint.

wut

Quote :
Severus just happened to enter the Great Hall a moment earlier and rushed over to the Gryffindor table to rescue Harry. Marcus was just about to kiss Harry went Severus pulled him off.

Ah, Marcus went to Jeremiah's School of Effective Raping!

Quote :
Harry's body was shaking and even his tail was trembling. Severus threw Marcus to the ground before scooping Harry up in his arms and carrying the poor lemur demon up to the staff table.

Wait, Snape, you forgot to have Marcus castrated, then inexplicably keep him around to allow him to become the only attempt at an antagonist!

Quote :
Harry was still shaking but at least now he was slightly calmer. Since Harry never calmed down entirely he ended up staying in Severus' lap for the rest of breakfast.

Severus was spotted by McGonagall, who, fortunately, knew a child molestor when she saw one. She sent her fastest owl to the Ministry's Department of Child Protection and had Snape arrested and thoroughly investigated. It was found that, in addition to his bizarre relationship with Harry Potter, he had also had
a bizarrely contrived encounter with Hermione Granger. Fortunately, his victims were able to summon up the strength to testify against him, and then start on their way to recovery, including Harry having a strange growth removed from his coccyx. Snape spent the rest of his days in Azkaban.

Quote :
Today's breakfast consisted of berries and a croissant roll with butterbeer. Harry burped softly before he began to quietly giggle meanwhile Severus just stared down at him amusedly.

Why? Because burps are hilarious, that's why.

Quote :
"Hey, Sev?" Harry whispered softly.

"What is it young lemur?" Severus asked.

"You smell wolfie!" Harry said before he began giggling hysterically.

Okay, maybe that's something that the Annoying Orange would say, but try to imagine Harry saying that. Just... try.

Quote :
"Well Remus did spend the night last night… Would you like to hang out with Remus today in my private rooms or would you rather brew today's potion?" Severus offered with a slight smile.

"I wanna stay with Remy!" Harry exclaimed childishly.

You know, I once read something interesting on a list of symptoms of childhood sexual abuse. Let's see... ah, here it is:

Quote :
  • Sexually precocious
  • Regressive, babyish behavior
  • Inappropriately seductive

Yeah, this isn't helping me enjoy the story at all.

Quote :
Severus deeply suspected that Harry had too much butterbeer this morning either that or someone spiked his butterbeer.

Uh, shouldn't Snape be a little concerned about that? I mean, the kid's fourteen.

Quote :
While Harry finished up his croissant Severus glanced around the Great Hall and noticed that Draco was acting rather odd.

NOT HIM TOO

Quote :
His godson had been pushing around his food on his plate instead of eating which was odd considering Draco always ate about half a plateful of food every morning for breakfast.

1. Draco is not Snape's godson.

2. Draco prefers to bottom, so remember: he must be womanly and dainty. A WHOLE plate of food? Pffftt, that's man's work.

Quote :
As soon as breakfast was over Draco ran over to Seamus and buried himself in the Irish wizard's side while they walked to double potions. Seamus was surprised at how clingy Draco was but otherwise ignored it as he cuddled up with Draco as much as he could without people around them gagging at their displays of affection.

F.U.C.K.E.R. may intend this to be foreshadowing for Draco's pregnancy, but not so! It is merely a sign that Draco has finally come down with the uke-virus that's been going around lately.

Quote :
Remus was lying in Severus' bed. Moony was applauding Remus for finally mating with their mate last night.

Okay, it's settled. F.U.C.K.E.R. thinks that Remus has a seperate "werewolf" personality.

Quote :
Remus relished in being around Severus' scent as he had wished to be with his mate for so long. He just lied there in bed for a good twenty minutes before he sensed someone coming so he got dressed and started making himself some coffee. Harry and Severus entered the chambers moments later.

"Remus, I am letting Harry stay here with you since he has already done the potion for today's class during the summer." Severus explained.

"Also, his Stu-powers make all learning unnecessary. Please, remove him from the class immediately."

Quote :
"Okay love. Good luck with the other dunderheads." Remus said before lightly kissing Severus.

Remus KNOWS the kids in Snape's class! He taught them all last year! He would NOT refer to them as "dunderheads."

Quote :
Severus smiled softly at Remus before leaving for his Potions classroom. When Remus turned around to see what Harry was doing he found Harry curled up in a huge pile of blankets near the roaring fireplace. Remus walked over to Harry with his mug of coffee in his hand. Harry looked up at Remus and smiled small.

Ugh, if Harry was just going to go to sleep, couldn't Snape have just sent him back to his dorm? Well, at least this way we know we won't get another sex scene with Voldemort. Yeah, whatever Harry will do with Lupin is going to be much superior to another dumb lemon--

Quote :
"What in the world are you doing Harry?" Remus asked amusedly.

"I got cold so I made myself a nest." Harry mumbled.

"Can I join you?" Remus questioned softly.

At Harry's nod Remus climbed into the small nest of blankets. The two ended up spending the day talking about their lovers before they both fell asleep. When Severus entered the room a few hours later he found Remus hugging his pillow against his chest while Harry was curled up with his back against Remus. Severus couldn't help himself and ended up taking a picture of the two in their homemade nest. He made a note to himself that he needed to send a copy of the photo to Voldemort.

Yeah, I got nothing.

Oh, except for this:

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Best playdate evar!!!11
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Mon Oct 29, 2012 4:48 am

Shocked

That picture will haunt me even worse than the mental image of Chris Hemsworth in a dress!

"You smell wolfie" = Best.Line.Evah. Seriously. As Tyler Durden would say, we have hit rock bottom.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Tue Oct 30, 2012 8:47 pm

Quote :
"Well I am glad that an old man like me can still thrust like a teenager."
Well I'm not.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:54 pm

Alright guys, you know how at the beginning of Chapter Three, I warned you guys that the fic was about to descend into depths of ridiculousness that I had no right to hope for? Yeah, weeeeellllll...

IT DOES IT AGAIN.

So... please. Just, please take warning. If you feel you may be prone to heart failure, please DON'T read this chapter. Or any of the following ones, at that. Because I finally read the rest of the fic (yes, F.U.C.K.E.R. finished writing it, thank the gods), and it actually gets WORSE with every single chapter. Because of this, I think I'm going to try to start sporking whole chapters at a time.

Please, turn back. Before it's too late.













Quote :
Harry Potter, second champion for Hogwarts, was faced with a problem. The thing was that Dumbledore announced the first round of the tournament would be tomorrow and he had no idea what he should even be researching for the task.

Oh yeah, because Ron is too uke and Hagrid is too nonexistent to warn him that it's dragons. Well, I suppose it's a good thing that Hagrid's not here; otherwise, F.U.C.K.E.R. might moe-fy him and pair him up with... I don't know, Firenze or something.

Quote :
On a whim he decided to examine a book on dragons due to overhearing Hagrid and then later Mad Eye Moody (Barty Crouch Junior) discussing the large reptilian beasts.

If you chose to read it because you heard them talking, then you didn't do it "on a whim."

Also, Hagrid exists. And how, pray tell, does Harry know Moody's true identity? Did he hear it from Voldy, who used the telekinesis that he hath to find out? GAAAAAAHH I'll never make it through the chapter!

Quote :
Harry found out in the large tome of dragons that the creatures could be spoken to through parseltongue as Salazar had done so many years ago when he tried to protect Hogwarts from such intruders.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

No, that's not correct, F.U.C.K.E.R. Go to the back of the line and try again.

Quote :
Salazar Slytherin had shaggy black hair that was slightly past his shoulders and he had bright green eyes. There was a commotion outside of his private chambers so he went to investigate. Salazar was amused to find Godric Gryffindor outside of his chambers trying his best to figure out what to say.

What? Why are we having a flashback? No one in this scene was personally involved in this scene. Was it written in the book? I don't think so. And... um... you'll see why.

Quote :
Meanwhile his familiar Selene

As opposed to his creepy Selene that he didn't even know.

Quote :
was hissing quite vulgarly at Godric for even bother trying.

How do I used tense?

Quote :
Godric looked up shyly when he felt Salazar's stare. Salazar was leaning against the doorframe as he watched Godric intently. Godric coughed embarrassed before he whispered a loving poem,

Well, thank goodness you told us it was a loving poem, because I wouldn't have been able to tell otherwise.

Quote :
"I am not but a Gryffindor,

Certainly not right for a Slytherin,

But a shot at what we could be is the only thing I ask for,

The only thing I plead,

OMGOOSH F.U.C.K.E.R. YOOR POETRY IS SO GUD

Seriously, I'd almost prefer it if she'd just plagiarized a famous poem. This reminds me of my whiny, emo, free-verse teenage years.

Quote :
I found myself one day checking out your arse,

That's... so romantic.

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And then your eyes,

And finally your personality followed everything else.

I may be brash,

I may be arrogant,

But please be my fellow,

For you are the only man I ever want there to be.

So Salazar what I ask for today,

What I ask for this year and many more to come,

Is will you allow me to court you,

And eventually have you bear my son?"

WHAT?! Godric, he hasn't even agreed to go out with you yet! Don't try to talk him into pregnancy already!

Quote :
Salazar couldn't help himself. Usually he was always so calm and collect but Godric's words hit him right in the heart. Salazar threw himself at Godric and began to kiss him roughly. Godric wrapped his arms around Salazar's waist affectionately. However all good things do have ends.

Well, that's pretty fortunate. If they had no ends, how would they eliminate wastes? And more importantly, how would their semes fuck them?

Quote :
Godric and Salazar broke away from each other when they heard a loud screech. They looked at one each other confusedly before rushing outside of Hogwarts to see what was going on. A dragon was attempting to rip out parts of Hogwarts.

A dragon is attacking a CASTLE (not the people in it, the castle itself) and it's not utilizing its fiery breath? No, just go ahead and rip at it with your claws, that'll do the trick.

Quote :
"Stop oh mighty beast! What have we done to offend thee? Why must you ruin our home?" Salazar hissed out in parseltongue.

"This land was my mating field where I came to every year during the mating season but now I have nowhere to go!

"Also you took all my commas! There were once whole forests of beautiful comma trees and now you've cut them down for your own selfish gain! I won't stand for such pollution of the English language!"

Quote :
I can feel one of my babies is lying underneath your home. He is still in his egg but he will want out soon." The dragon hissed back.

"I will take care of your baby myself until he has grown enough to come out of his shell and return to you, you have my word." Salazar promised.

"You shall keep your word or I will destroy you." the dragon hissed before leaving.

So Miss Dragon was willing to attack a freakin' CASTLE to get her egg back, and now she's just leaving it in the care of some random guy? Will she be watching him from afar? How will she make sure he keeps his promise? And wouldn't it all just be easier for both of them if Salazar just found the egg and gave it back to Miss Dragon (although I'm surprised it lived long enough without its mother for the castle to be built)?

I WANT to understand you, F.U.C.K.E.R., I really want to know what's going on in your head, but you're making this impossible!

Quote :
Harry woke up abruptly. The book he had been resting on slid off the table with a loud thump.

Wait, so that was a DREAM? I guess he read a summarized story about the dragon and Slytherin, but then had a strangely erotic dream about how it really went? Wha-? I'll just say that whole thing was Harry making shit up. It's the only way.

Quote :
Barty Crouch Junior suddenly appeared, wearing his mad eye moody disguise of course, and moved towards Harry. Harry stared at the death eater in disguise before gathering his things and leaving the library with one thought on his mind: He had to get to the Chamber of Secrets.

Wait, so Barty Crouch Jr. just enters the scene, walks ominously toward Harry... so Harry calmly leaves the room? Why do I feel like I'm in some sort of slasher film parody?

Quote :
He walked swiftly down the corridors until he reached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Harry quickly whispered the password to the snake faucet and went inside the hidden chamber. Once inside Harry spent hours searching for the dragon egg and was surprised when he eventually found it wrapped up in cloths hidden inside an old dresser along with a picture of Salazar kissing Gryffindor overtop the head of a little boy that resembled both of them.

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So... that was REAL?! Harry is just having visions of the past now? Does he hath telekinesis now, too? And also, the dragon said the egg was hatching soon, not over a thousand years from now. I'll admit, we know little about the life cycles of Potterverse dragons, so perhaps over a thousand years IS a short time to them. But you still have to STOP and EXPLAIN, F.U.C.K.E.R. You have to tell us about how Harry suddenly realized that the egg must still be in the castle because a dragon egg laid right before the castle's construction would still be unhatched.

Also, an old dresser? Full of family memories? Why would that be in the Chamber of Secrets? In the books, it's just full of stone and snakeskin.

Quote :
Harry paused to study the picture more. The boy looked to be around nine years old and had black hair with a reddish tint to it along with Salazar's green eyes. Harry couldn't help but grin. From his dream he had learned that the two were a couple and that Gryffindor wanted a son but he never knew that they had been so successful.

SO successful? As opposed to only a LITTLE BIT successful? There is no middle ground here, guys, you either get a son or you don't.

And that makes it sound like Slytherin and Gryffindor might have been the ones to invent the mpreg potion or whatever. Did they? How did they do it? How did it become popular? EXPLAIN, F.U.C.K.E.R., EXPLAIN!

Quote :
After a few moments Harry laid the photo back down and closed the drawer before carefully carrying the dragon egg up to his room. Harry lay in his bed with the dragon egg cradled against his chest. Soon Harry fell asleep but it was a dreamless sleep.

When Harry awoke the dragon egg started crackling. Oh Salazar, this egg is going to hatch.

Oh, how convenient. The minute after Harry found it, the thousand-year-old egg hatched. I guess all it needed was the touch of a Stu.

Quote :
Harry quickly cast a silencing charm around his bed before helping the baby dragon take the pieces of loose eggshell off of him. The dragon finally burst out of his eggshell prison and tried flapping his wings. Harry smiled small before he took a rag and lightly rubbed the birthing fluids off of the dragon. The dragon lightly nipped at his hand before nuzzling it happily. Harry couldn't help but awe at the sight.

"Awe" is not a verb.

Quote :
Soon however the dragon started talking.

"Mama?" the dragon hissed.

That will never be normal.

Quote :
"I guess you could call me that. My real name is Harry. What is yours?" Harry hissed back.

"Johnlazar." The dragon hissed softly.

Dragons are born with names? Stu names? And it's not even a clever Stu name, it's just an everyday name with a pretty-sounding suffix added on.

Quote :
"Well Johnlazar what would you like for breakfast?" Harry hissed.

"Mice?" Johnlazar suggested.

Harry summoned a few mice and put them in a bowl for Johnlazar to eat out of.

Yes, yes, little Johnlazar, develop a taste for that meat. Then, when you're big and strong, you can look to your "Mama" as a source of your next meal!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

Quote :
After he watched Johnlazar eat Harry decided that it would be best to take him out on the grounds for Charlie Weasley to take care of.

Then why didn't you consult him earlier? Sure, you know everything there is to know about HATCHING a baby dragon, but taking care of one? That's for professionals.

Quote :
When Charlie saw Johnlazar perched on Harry's shoulder the man nearly passed out. Harry explained that he would the dragon egg lurking in an abandoned room last night while he was trying to clear his head.

Why not tell the truth? It's not shocking or anything, you're just lying for the sake of giggling behind your hand at all those silly people who actually trust you!

Quote :
Charlie bought the story

SEE?!

Quote :
and promised Harry that he would take care of Johnlazar. Harry went to the Great Hall for breakfast since the first round of the tournament was to begin in an hour. As soon as Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table he was swarmed by what he deemed as his family and that included Severus, Remus, Draco, Seamus, Ron, and Blaise.

Never has a description of someone's family unit been more cold and emotionless.

Quote :
When asked if he was nervous about the task ahead of him Harry merely replied that this would probably be one of the easiest tasks for him. It only took his "family" a few seconds to realize that Harry was talking about his parseltongue ability.

Stop putting "family" in quotations! It makes it sound like Harry's all, "Blech, what peasants, thinking they can act like my 'family.'"

Quote :
What Harry spoke was true for when it was his turn to begin the first task of the tournament he got the fake egg away from the mothering dragon within mere moments of entering the enclosed area which effectively won him first place.

No description of how he did this. He just did it. Using parseltongue.

Quote :
Many people believed that what Harry had done was considered cheating for no one else besides Voldemort, of course they had called him He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, would have been able to use such a "gift" to lure the egg away from the dragon.

Hey, remember canon? Where Harry had to struggle and study just to get through the test? FUCK DAT SHIT, HARRY'S GOT DA GIFT. And, come on, what's more endearing than a hero with a magical gift that keeps him from ever having to work at or struggle in anything? I friggin' love those guys.

Quote :
Harry sighed irritably and ignored nearly everyone for the rest of the day. It was mere luck that the first round had been so easy for him but the second round would probably be much tougher for him to succeed at.

Who wants to bet that something equally bullshitty happens to make it easy for him?

Quote :
Harry was resting on a couch in the far corner of the library when the link between him and Voldemort activated causing Harry to hear Voldemort's voice in his head.

"You did a good job today love." Voldemort said softly.

"I know this however I kind of miss that little dragon Johnlazar.

"After all, it's been hours since I last saw him!"

Quote :
I wish I could have kept him but he would have been better in Charlie's care, after all that man is a professional dragon tamer." Harry said sadly.

"Don't be so sad Har, it could have happened to any other parseltongue in the world." Voldemort teased slightly.

"Yeah, we all discovers centuries-old dragons hidden in the depths of the dungeons in our schools, then see them hatch and have to give them away. It's just one of life's little struggles."

Quote :
"Will you come visit me this weekend? The next task isn't for another two months but I want to be able to relax with you for a day or two before I get in too deep with my research for the next task." Harry pleaded.

"I will get Severus to sign a pass for you so that you can leave for the weekend." Voldemort stated.

"Can we go to Riddle Manor or even, maybe, a beach somewhere?" Harry suggested and if he could he would have pouted.

POUTING. IS. SO. ENDEARING, YOO GAIZ.

Quote :
"We shall see my love, we shall see." Voldemort whispered.

"I love you Voldemort." Harry murmured sleepily before cutting off the connection so that he could take a nap.

I'm not even going to question Voldemort's telekinesis anymore, that joke stopped being funny a while ago.

Quote :
Harry fell asleep against the arm rest of the couch he was sprawled on. It had gotten pretty late for the sun was beginning to set. Dinner would start soon if it had not already. Draco shook Harry awake worriedly. Harry looked up at Draco sleepily but followed the blonde towards the Great Hall. He let out a loud yawn that caused Draco to stop in his tracks and turn around to face him. Harry looked at Draco confusedly and was surprised when the blonde glared at him. It was as if Draco was trying to force Harry to stop acting so human.

What?! What?! Someone please tell me what this scene is supposed to mean, because I don't have a clue! What the hell?!

Quote :
The two continued their stare down before they went back to walking towards the Great Hall. Draco went over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Seamus. It looked as if Draco was trying to get as close as he could towards the Irish boy without sitting in his lap. Seamus of course loved all the attention and ended up tugging the poor blonde into his lap anyway. After a small kiss however both the blonde and Irish wizards seemed to get over their slight lover's spat if it could even be called that.

FORESHADOWING!!!!!!111

Hell, it's not even foreshadowing anymore, Harry all but stated that Draco was pregnant last chapter. Now we're just waiting for F.U.C.K.E.R. to realize that everybody already knows.

Quote :
Harry sat down next to Ron and ate up almost an entire plateful of food before becoming full.

HOLY SHIT A WHOLE PLATE?! It's almost like you're a real person or something!

Quote :
After waiting a few minutes for the food to settle in his stomach Harry set off towards Gryffindor tower however he never reached there for someone was whispering to him through a window within the corridor and the next thing he knew everything went black.

Okay, if you thought this chapter was too weird to handle, then you need to leave this sporking while you still can. There are still seven chapters left, and EVERY SINGLE ONE GETS WEIRDER. How do I say this... Nostalgia Critic?

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EileenK98
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:39 pm

Johnlazar sounds like one of those awkward smushed pairing names that we talk about a few forums down. Not a dragon name at all. I just Googled "dragon name generator" and got over two million results--and I'm sure that at least one million of those are better than Johnlazar.
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Nov 04, 2012 8:14 am

Besides, Johnlazar's appearance was totally random and added nothing at all to the, uh, story.

Well, shouldn't be expecting any sort of coherence from F.U.C.K.E.R., now, should we? Apparently, she's the only one who doesn't hath telekinesis (and no, that joke never gets old).
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Sun Nov 04, 2012 7:04 pm

Are you serious? Bet the dragon saves him later, or it was just a stupid cameo to Eragon. BLEH. I don't feel like reasoning it out.
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Mon Nov 05, 2012 12:15 am

I have a feeling the dragon will show up later, in a no doubt equally stupid situation.

Anyway, the crazier the story gets, the funnier the snark seems to get. Great job. Smile
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Kakashifan727
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:53 am

I still wonder if the author was drunk/high/UI while writing this shit. Only coherent explanation besides the fact that they are an idiot.
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: Harry Potter and the Feisty Sentiment   Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:16 am

You should never, ever write fan fiction whilst high...never mind publishing it.

But at least it's entertaining us, even though probably not in the way the "author" intended.
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