A FAERIE FATED FOREVER

I wasn’t going to be doing any more free/cheap books you could download. Really, I hadn’t been planning to.

Then I saw the trailer for a book my sister was begging me to read.





You can either buy this book on paperback, or free off Amazon. Because I know you’ll want two copies to follow along with me as I explore the world of romance, idiots, and um… historicalish stuff.

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A gaggle of Maclee warriors lurched haphazardly behind Nial, their mostly sober laird. The annual fair on the Isle of Skye hadn't spawned excitement enough for this group so they headed for a secluded area where they could brew their own - thanks to the antics of "Heather the Hag."

The Maclees! We’ve all heard tales of them showing off their Scotsness in battle! Forever shall we sing the songs of those brave men as they attempt to get away from their stalker.

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The girl followed their ambling path, ducking and hiding hither and yon. Currently, she crouched rather poorly behind a pair of barrels a few feet away. The cap of her granny bonnet poked over the flat top like a wild turkey's tail feathers. Every so often, she popped up to peek at Nial, each time wearing the same expression as a priest at the pearly gates.

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He’d of walked away and left the drunks to their play, if not for that dratted unsettled feeling that grew worse instead of better. If he left, he would abandon the lass. Some would say the little spy deserved what she got. He’d like to say that too, but for some reason he couldn’t explain, he would not leave her to the taunts and games of his drunken friends.

Our two heros. Heather the Stalker and Nial the I Don’t Care About Women Getting Raped Most of the Time.

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After long moments when Laird Maclee's discomfort grew obvious even to his sotted companions, Calum spoke. "Lads, Ian Maclee - Nial's Great Grandfather many times removed, fell in love with the daughter of the Faerie King who disapproved of the liaison but gave in to his daughter's tearful pleas. He allowed the couple a handfast marriage. After the year and a day passed, the lass had to return to the land of faerie. We know what those two were up to, because a bairn appeared nine months later."

Yes. Handfasting Is never to allow two people to get it on. Never, ever, ever. It was for tru luv couples that just couldn’t wait!

Also, why the fuck would you only allow a handfast? Isn’t that just asking for it to get broken up?

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"On the appointed day, awash in tears at leaving her mate and newborn babe, the princess forlornly left with the escort, a band of faerie knights. Her loving spouse raised nary a protest, much less a sword. Some months later, a loud party at the keep lured away the pair of nurses.

I don’t know about you, but a bunch of drunken people vomiting all over the floor so loudly I can hear them from a long ways away is MY idea of a good time.

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Their abandoned charge, the forsaken bairn, wailed loudly. Wee Ian's cries alerted the faerie princess who secretly returned to comfort her child. The princess swaddled Ian in a cloth and crooned a lullaby. The tune called the swaddling cloth a faerie flag and said 'twas a charm to protect the clan when its laird can't do his job."

This will not be important at all any time in this story.

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"How did Ian repay such bounty? He married a lass for the coin she brought which royally pissed off the Faerie King,

Maybe the Faerie King shouldn’t have been such a snitty father-in-law and made sure to only allow a handfasting? Or maybe Ian wanted a mother for his child? Or needed the coin because there had been a hard winter? Hell, we don’t know.

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who appeared at the reception to pronounce a curse: From this day forward, every laird of the Clan Maclee shall be more handsome and more irresistible to the lasses than the one before him. Ladies shall chase him and try to trap him, but he must not fall prey to their wiles, for he shall fall in love only once. His faerie fated love shall set the claws of passion to his manhood, the need to possess to his soul, and the magic of love to his heart. If he marries another he will live a wretched existence beset by unsatisfied desire for the love he cannot have and cannot forget for all of his mortal days."

HE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY UNLESS WITH HIS TRUE LOVE GUYS. SHE’LL BE THE ONE TO SET HIS PASSION ONTO HIS MANHOOD.

COULD HEATHER BE THE ONE? BUT SHE’S UGLY. WOMEN WHO ARE UGLY CAN’T SET MEN’S LOINS AFIRE.


I would also like to point out that this curse includes Wee Ian (as the story calls him).


Worst. Grandfather. Ever.


Heather is the only child of the Laird of Clan MacIver (you silly Scots and all your Mac-sir names). BUT HE CANNOT LOVE HER BECAUSE SHE’S UGLY.

Even though as soon as she’s thrown on top of him Nial gets an erection from her giant boobs.

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Nial caught her, still charged with that odd spark. His staff twitched at the press of her generous breasts and he widened his stance.

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If his one-eyed wonder worm

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That or we’re being told that, like a worm to a snake, it is tiny and dies quickly in the sunlight.


The parents walk into the lovely scene of Heather sitting on Nial’s lap while he has a hard on and is clenching at her breasts like a weening baby. They’re all delighted because may Heather’ll have a chance to marry him! Who doesn’t want their daughter married to someone who has an entire cursed bloodline?


Nial promises to invite them to the castle so he can see Heather and maaaaybeeee ask her to marry him. But she’s not his true love so how could he marry her? Nial wants to find the love of his life and marry her and have many strapping boys. After that he finds a barmaid (in the middle of a place that was away from the fair, holy shit did that beer tent spring up fast) and pulls her into the bushes for some fun.


But all he wants is to find his true love!

Semi-OT, but I can think of few things more pointless than book trailers.

Oh man, is it wrong I am mostly laughing at the word "Laird" over here?

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Oh man, is it wrong I am mostly laughing at the word "Laird" over here?

I admit to knowing nothing about Scotland and/or titles of the area so I have no clue what an laird would be.

Just in case someone also wants to download the 'book'.


In either weeks, days, decades, or centuries later that is the start of chapter two. Heather is hiding in the woods from her father. Who is freaking the fuck out, has gathered his warriors, and is giving the clan battle cry out.

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She could delay no longer and ran from her hiding place in the trees, waving her arms wildly…. Carrick MacIver dismounted at a run, throwing off battle gear with each step. “Lass, ye’re alive! Thanks be to God. Did you get away? Did you fool the villains and sneak off? Who took you?” He gave her no time to answer before crushing her in a mighty hug. Then Bonnie came running from the house, ashen and still in tears.

“Baby! Where have you been? Were you taken, then? They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

The answer is no, Heather just snuck away to help someone. Without telling anyone. Which means her parents were crying themselves sick because their one and only child couldn’t have bothered to leave them a note.


It’s all to show how kind Heather is because she’s up all night tending sick children, even though her mom also points out that there are other healers in the area. Bonnie (she doesn’t get to be called mom by Heather because…. Something) complains about Heather’s clothing.

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What did it matter that she wore a red Granny bonnet? The thing hid her loathsome hair didn’t it? Yes, her dress would fit several women her size, but what of it? It was one of the high-necked, long sleeved, garments that she favored for comfort- and to hide her sow-like breasts.

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Aww, poor Heather doesn’t know how beautiful she is! Because her grandmother told her just how ugly she was, even though she also loved her grandchild enough to teach her how to heal people after Granny got back from the Americans?

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Heather bit back the vicious insult she wanted to haul at her empty headed mother. Only her Granny had loved her enough to tell her the truth and to accept her despite her flaws.

Yes, your mother telling you that not dressing in clothing too big for you means she's a bitch. Telling you that she thinks you’re pretty when the grandmother you knew for a couple years insulted you all the time. Yep, hates your guts.

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“Why, take Laird Maclee. A man like him will never bother to check out the contents if he isn’t interested in the pretty wrapping.”
“You’re wrong about Nial. He’s not shallow! He’s different!”

*maybe a page later while the family talks about Nial Maxlee*

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“It’s unfortunate that sometimes the pretty cake isn’t the best tasting. But Laird Maclee has so many dishes to choose from that I fear ‘twould take an exceptional dish indeed to make him forego such a feast.”
Heather considered that and gave a long sigh as she glanced out the window. She knew all too well that the loveliest lasses in the land dangled after the laird. She’d seen them pawing him on the dance floor.

Yes. He is just the most wonderful man in the world.

What is it with romance novels and making us wish that we could read about everyone but the main couple?


The chapter ends with Mom and Dad telling Heather she’s beautiful, even if she has giant boobs and isn’t tiny.



Scotland/England in the 1600-1800s (more on this later) only liked women that looked like boys. That’s why their fashion required that all women to bind and cover their boobs


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And brown hair! Oh God did they ever hate brown hair!! In fact they always hid their brown haired, giant boobed women away so no one would EVER have to see the ugly that was them.

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Heather whines because her dad tells her that she’s beautiful. In fact she says her worst nightmare is to be looked at without the hat hiding her face.


In fact everyone (who gets to see her at all) tells her that she’s beautiful, with her long hair filled with every single color of brown that can be seen by mortal eyes and her golden eyes.

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Her brown hair mixes tones of every hue in that color’s spectrum, from nearly blonde to almost red…. Eyes should be blue or brown or green. Gold eyes were downright strange.

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But Heather knows that this just means that everyone in the world hates her because she’s ugly, Granny was the only one who ever loved her!111!!

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But her looks wouldn’t matter to Nial. He was a dreamer searching for a dream that would only be found within…. Nials would love the woman inside her because she was the dreamer who shared his dream…. She’d considered him her Prince Charming before the fair. Afterwards she was certain he was her prince.

OMG HE WAS DRUNK AND GROPED ME!!! TRU LOOOOVEEEE!!!

Quote :

The good Prince loved the beauty Cinderella became, but it was to the girl garbed as a scald that he gave the slipper and his heart.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Please tell me the author wrote this book while drunk or stoned. The idea something so horrendous could be turned out by a sober person is, frankly, terrifying.

It's probably by far the smallest problem with this story, but "Niall" spelled with one L just irks the fuck out of me. :/

I know what you mean. I've had my share of teeth-gritting moments over reading misspelled names in certain fics...I sometimes wonder why Fanfiction.net doesn't insist on spell-checking for stories before they're submitted.

Chris91 wrote:

I know what you mean. I've had my share of teeth-gritting moments over reading misspelled names in certain fics...I sometimes wonder why Fanfiction.net doesn't insist on spell-checking for stories before they're submitted.

It would wreck the lulz.

Lady Anne wrote:

Chris91 wrote:

I know what you mean. I've had my share of teeth-gritting moments over reading misspelled names in certain fics...I sometimes wonder why Fanfiction.net doesn't insist on spell-checking for stories before they're submitted.

It would wreck the lulz.

A small price to pay for keeping dreck like "A FAERIE FATED FOREVER" off the Internet.