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 Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.

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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:20 pm

As you can see from the title, our author today has a problem with telling the difference between plurals and possessives. I'll try not to pick on that so much, unless of course it makes a hilarious joke.

Quote :
POV'S

VEELA DRACO

Vampire Harry

Even after reading the fic, I have no clue what this means. However, I'm sure we all know that it is a VERY bad sign.

Quote :
Hermione walked into the room of requirement; having been asked by Harry to join him there; walking further in she stopped; surprised; Harry was sitting on the one couch in the room and Malfoy was standing by the other end and her eyes narrowed; she turned around then.

My poor semicolons were never meant to be abused like this! Someone, call Punctuation Protective Services!

Quote :
"Hermione, Please don't leave;" Harry called watching as she started to walk away effectively stopping her retreat "I wanted to have a talk with Draco, Hermione; and I wanted you to be here, so you could stop us if we started fighting."

Yeah, because Hermione is the best choice of mediator between Harry and Draco. She's not the least bit predisposed or anything.

Quote :
Harry's voice sounded so pleading and innocent to her ears; and there was no way she could leave now. Turning back toward the boys she walked over to the only chair in the room and sat down.

"Alright Harry I'll stay." She said with a pleased smile. She was glad to see he was finally starting to grow up. Although she had to admit that she would not have tried to talk with Malfoy after everything he had done to Harry, Ron and her.

Okay, Harry is "starting to grow up" by talking to their greatest enemy at Hogwarts? And if Hermione wouldn't do it herself, shouldn't she be more worried than proud?

Quote :
Malfoy moved from the couch, pulled out his wand, and before Hermione could even grab her own wand, Harry bound her to the chair with a spell.

Um, WHAT?!

Quote :
Still able to move her head she looked at Harry with shock. Malfoy raise his wand at the door, and casted both a silencing and locking spell,

I was under the impression that the Room of Requirement was already soundproof, and is the door even visible to those who don't need it? It's been forever since I read OotP, but I don't think just anybody can barge in when they want.

Quote :
before taking his seat again and looking at Harry with a small smile.

"We are sorry we had tricked you like this, but this was the only sure way to make you listen to what we have to say." Harry started; Hermione eyes narrowing in anger. "We love each other Hermione;

CLICHE COUNT: 1

This cliche is, of course, Harry and Draco falling in wub despite all their history together.

Quote :
we have for a while now but we both came into our inheritances this week.

They're finally confronting their feelings because they inherited a bunch of money?

Quote :
Draco here is Veela

CLICHE COUNT: 2

A character secretly being part or whole Veela is incredibly common in Harry Potter fics, and Draco is an extra-common candidate.

Quote :
and he told me I was one of his mate's,

Wow, how is Harry going to put up with being a mate'? I know how he would deal with being a mate, but not a mate'.

Quote :
he showed me his marks and at first I didn't believe him." Harry said pulling Draco shirt up to reveal the markings he spoke of.

What marks? Veelas didn't have any marks in canon, and you've done nothing to describe them or clarify where exactly they are.

Quote :
"I am one of his mates though;

A properly spelled plural! HALLELUJAH!

Quote :
I am vampire

CLICHE COUNT: 3

Vampires, despite never being described or explained in the Potterverse, are very common in fanfiction, and usually borrow from other canons.

Quote :
and came into my inheritance two days ago

Also, I'm pretty sure the "came into our inheritances" thing is from some other vampire canon, and the author assumed that it was a universal concept, despite the fact that Veelas are Veelas from birth.

Quote :
and knew instantly that he had spoken the truth because his blood had called to me; wanting to mate.

CLICHE COUNT: 4

The whole concept of "imprinting", "soulmates", and "predestined love" is very common in just about any fanon, but the poor Potterverse bears the brunt of it, even though one of the major themes of the series was that your future is always up to you to change, and "predestiny" undermines that whole concept.

Quote :
Usually most Veela's and Vampire's only take one mate for life but there are a few that take two mates. And Draco and I both fall under category with two mates.

CLICHE COUNT: 5

"Dude, this totally never happens. Like, ever. But it happened to two of us in one class!"

Quote :
You; are our other mate Hermione,

LAY OFF THE SEMICOLONS! WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU!

Quote :
but we don't what to force anything on you that you aren't ready for. We just wanted you to know so that you could think over what we've told you."

"Yeah, we don't want to force anything on you; that's why we lured you here under false pretenses and tied you up. Or, whoops; we don't want to; force you to do anything you don't want to do; that's why; we tie you up; eh?"

Quote :
"Have you… two mated already?" Harry looked at Hermione with sad eyes.

"No; Draco refuses to mate until both of us are ready. Draco is different than I am. Veelas' like Draco; who have more than one mate; must mate both during the same time.

CLICHE COUNT: 6

"And that's why we HAVE to have a threesome. Y'know, magic and shit. There's just no other way to do it."

Quote :
Vampires like me don't mind mating separately, but since Draco is my other mate I have to respect him and not mate separately." Harry said looking away.

Also, what exactly does mating at the same time entail? You'd think they'd need to mate at the EXACT same time, and how would Draco do that if both his mates were female? Cut his dick in half and do them both at the same time?

Quote :
"I… need to think…I…" Draco interrupted then.

"We told we would not push you and we meant it. We will give you the time to think. We just wanted to make sure you'd listened to everything we've had to say." And with a wave of his wand she was free. Before leaving them alone she looked between once before she was gone.

Looked... between... once? Huh?

Quote :
"I hate this Draco.

We hate him too, Harry. We hate him too.

Quote :
I want you and I want Hermione, but I'm not even sure if she'll agree to this." Harry sobbed; sighing Draco pulled his young vampire close, and kissed his mate; comforting the boy.

Yeah, this reminds me a bit too much of [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. Even though Draco and Harry are the same age, Draco thinks of him in terms of "the boy", as if he were some little kid.

Quote :
"She'll come around you'll see. She won't be able to stay away once she accepts us. She'll want us just as must as we want her."

Um, what makes you think that? She's not a Veela or a vampire, so there's no real reason she would feel drawn to either of you. She might just not want to do it. Not every opinion has to change at some point; sometimes you hold onto a belief forever.

Quote :
Draco could feel Harrys' body relax a little. He pulled the young vampire closer still.

"Thank you Draco… may I… have another kiss?" Draco chuckled before pressing his lips against his mates'.

Shit, it is Walking on Glass!Harry, his voice is faltering as he asks for sex favors!

Quote :
…H.D.H…H.D.H…

That's our line between POV changes. Be afraid.

Quote :
Hermione's POV

'What am I to do?' I thought to myself 'Can I really forgive all that Malfoy has done? Harry seems to have forgiven him, but I wonder if that is because Malfoy is his mate.

No, Hermione, it's because Harry has been possessed by a slash writer. Don't worry, the PPC can cure that sort of thing.

Quote :
Oh this is frustrating.' I was brought out of my musings as Ron shook my shoulder lightly.

Mentioning Ron: because he... exists, I guess.

Quote :
. They looked over at me with small smiles. I watched as Malfoy took Harry's hand and kissed the back of it before letting it go and walking off toward the Slytherin table. Harry looked over at me and I thought for a moment that he would sit next to me, but as he came closer to the table he sat across from me which I really appreciated. I still had so much to figure out.

Purpose: this scene has none.

Quote :
Harry's POV

Draco walked with me to the great hall after our talk with Hermione. I should have been happy to be with my Veela, but all I could think about was Hermione. The feelings I had were very different, but they were both very strong. Hermione's blood; it sang for me while Draco's called to me.

I wonder if Hermione's blood is a soprano or an alto.

Quote :
We arrived; Draco opened the doors so we walked in together and my eyes sought for Hermione. She was looking over at us with a small frown on her lips

As opposed to a frown on her thigh or left elbow, as she usually has.

Quote :
but I smiled anyway; it was just a small smile for her eyes only. I looked over when I felt my hand being lifted and watched as Draco kissed the back of it. If I could've blushed I would have.

Look, author, if vampirism is such a big part of your story, why have you not stopped to explain anything about it, other than the whole "I can mate separately" thing?

Quote :
He let go of my hand after a minute and walked over to his houses' table. I walked over to the Gryffindor table and for a moment I felt the need to sit next to my mate but decided against it and walked over to the other side opting to sit across from her. I would give her, her time and space to think.

So the author decided to repeat the exact same scene from another person's point of view, adding absolutely nothing to the story. Crap, it's [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] all over again!

Quote :
Draco's POV

As Harry and I walked to the great hall I could tell there was much on my mate's mind. I decided that I would not interfere with Harry's thinking knowing it must've had something to do with Hermione.

"Or about the fact that we had just transformed into non-canon creatures just a couple days ago. He could've been thinking about that too."

Quote :
I wanted to mate Harry the minute I realized who he was to me but I felt a pull on my soul, my marks and knew that if I mated with Harry without my second mate present; I would forever regret the decision.

WHY? Does Draco have an older Veela to ask about this kind of thing, or is there a "Veela's Guide to Puberty" book out there? How does he know that mating separately would harm him, and in what way WOULD it harm him?

Quote :
Normal POV

It's called third person omniscient, author. Please learn the most basic of writing terminology before trying at it.

Quote :
A week had passed since Harry and Draco told Hermione what they were and who she was to them. Draco walked into the room of requirement and found Harry passed out on the floor.

CLICHE COUNT: 7

Random fainting: it always helps.

Quote :
Fear flooded through the young Veela. He brought Harry over to the bed that now graced the room and when Harry finally awoke he explained what was happening.

"Draco as you know; my blood is different from yours; my instincts tell me to go ahead and take you or Hermione because I can mate separately, but since you can't my body will continue to weaken until Hermione accepts us and we can mate. Soon I won't be able to move at all."

CLICHE COUNT: 8

"For this random, contrived, unforeshadowed reason, I will get weaker and weaker and probably die. UNLESS YOU SAVE ME WITH YOUR WUB."

Quote :
Harry's voice was weak, his usual pale skin was a sickly pale, and his veins showed. Draco pulled the boy into his lap and rocked him to sleep.

STOP TREATING HARRY LIKE A LITTLE KID! PLEASE, for the love of GOD, don't give him a bubble bath.

Quote :
He would have to find a way to get Hermione to fall for them, but he had a feeling that he was the big problem and decided to have a one on one with her.

Um, that sounds a lot creepier than the author intended it to be.

Quote :
Draco walked through the now dark halls thinking of how to best talk to his mate. He didn't want to offend her any further then he had already done. He knew he would have to apologize to her for his first few years of Hogwarts, but he really had no idea where to start.

CLICHE COUNT: 9

"Despite the complete lack of remorse for my horrendous deeds in canon, I REALLY want to make up with you guys. But I just don't know how to do it, because I'm so cute and awkward! Aren't pureblood supremacists adorable?"

Quote :
Approaching the Gryffindor tower he noticed that two student were outside and decided to get closer.

Draco's POV

Why have Draco's POV now, instead of where that "Normal POV" was? In fact, that section was Draco's third person POV, so why switch to first person now instead of earlier?

Quote :
"Did you hear about Ron and Hermione?" I heard one of them whisper and my body tense waiting to hear more.

"Yeah; I heard she told him that they were breaking up." The other laughed

"I know. I also heard that she said there was someone else." My eyes narrowed wondering who this person was and how I could get rid of them without Hermione thinking it was me.

Aww, isn't that cute? Draco wants to "get rid of" whoever his rival in love is! How sweet! Also, that counts as another cliche.

CLICHE COUNT: 10

Quote :
"I heard that Ron plans on hurting Hermione for breaking up with him." I felt fury run through me at the thought of Ron hurting my mate.

Oh, FUCK YOU, author! Ron would never hurt Hermione for breaking up with him, he'd just be super sad and confused, and possibly angry at himself.

Quote :
"He planes to do it were they first confessed to each other."

... dafuq was that supposed to mean? Ron is flying a plane somewhere? Huh?

Quote :
The laughing is what did it. I snapped loosing myself to my inner demon.

Would your inner demon happen to be related to Ana's inner goddess?

Quote :
"Where did that Weasel and Hermione first confess?"Draco growled grabbing the one closest to him by the neck. He watched as the other one try to run but he would not allow the boy to escape. He concentrated on his magic and stopped the boy from going any further.

What magic? Draco didn't draw his wand, and Veelas don't have any wandless magic other than making people attracted to them. Is that what he's doing to "stop him from going any further"? And why are we suddenly in third person again?

Quote :
"Now where did they confess."When the boy didn't answer Draco dug his claws into his prey's neck drawing blood.

Draco is channelling himself from [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :
"I… don't know…I… swear…" the boy gasped trying to breathe.

"I know where it is Draco, but I'm going with you; she is my mate too." Draco looked over and was meet with enthralling sight.

Canon had been restored, and he was about to get detention for threatening a classmate!

Quote :
Harry was in full protective mode and knew that if he were to deny Harry's his right to protect Hermione; Harry would leave without him.

CLICHE COUNT: 11

Rushing to protect someone, BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR TWU WUB. Just a normal old friend wouldn't be worth it, of course.

Quote :
"Put the boy down mate, Hermione is going to need us."

This sentence is much better when read in an Australian accent.

Quote :
Draco dropped the boy not caring if he hurt him. Harry was right their mate was going to need them. Harry smiled his fangs showing and held his hand out for his Veela to take and they were gone.

And that's it for today. Although this is a one-shot, it's so long and so draining that I've decided to spork it in two pieces.
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PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Sat Aug 25, 2012 2:35 pm

Ye gods, this is bad. Got a link?
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PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:57 pm

Vampire Harry?

My Immortal called. They want their premise back.
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PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Sun Aug 26, 2012 5:14 am

SouthSimGal wrote:

Quote :
Harry's voice was weak, his usual pale skin was a sickly pale, and his veins showed. Draco pulled the boy into his lap and rocked him to sleep.

STOP TREATING HARRY LIKE A LITTLE KID! PLEASE, for the love of GOD, don't give him a bubble bath.


I admit, I laughed. Nice find SouthSimGal, and nice sporking. But we need a link to spork for ourselves.

What is this fascination with making Harry Potter a weakling? He was never that, not even in the first book.
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PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Mon Sep 03, 2012 4:46 pm

I’m finally back! Silly me, I forgot to include a link to the fic last time! Thank you for reminding me, WGWers!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :
…H.D.H…H.D.H…
(AN- Most of this is happening during the confrontation with the Gryffindor's)

Um, why was this little note necessary? To tell us that we were confronting Gryffindors in this scene? Couldn’t we have gathered that from reading the damn thing?

Quote :
"You stupid bitch; you think you can leave me for someone else. You're wrong; I'll never let you leave me. I will make sure the other person you want will never want you." Ron yelled as he kicked Hermione in the side and she cried out.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 12

“RON IS TEH EBULZ NAO YOO GAIZ.”

Quote :
"Please…" She gasped. "I… never wanted…" she coughed "to hurt you, but I… can't help… who I fall… in love with." Ron growled and backhanded her.
Wait… Hermione has fallen in love with Harry AND Draco? Look, Hermione is very mature, and I can see her forgiving Draco for the things that he’s done (albeit AFTER he apologizes), but FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM? When he hasn’t even done anything to make it up to her?

CLICHÉ COUNT: 13

“Hmmm, you’ve done nothing but be a total dick to me from the day we met, and you have done nothing to apologize or atone for that behavior. AH WUB YOO.”

Quote :
"Shut up. I don't want to here it. You are a slut a whore."

A slut-a-whore sounds like a ride at a theme park. An 18+ theme park, of course.

Quote :
Tears streamed down Hermione's face mixing with the blood that was falling from her split lips. Ron grabbed Hermione wrist in on hand pinning her to the ground as he ripped off her panties.


CLICHÉ COUNT: 14

“Me, Hermione Granger, a genius witch with training in defensive magic? Of course not, silly, I’m just a cute little wimmins who needs a man to save me from my rapist!”

Quote :
He grabbed a stick close to where they laid and forced it in to her; she screamed.

That reminds me… where are they? There’s a stick lying around, so I’ll assume that they’re outside, but where? Under the Whomping Willow? In the Forbidden Forest? By Hagrid’s hut? Where?

I will mercifully snip a paragraph of stick-fucking and vaginal fisting.

Quote :
He pulled his hand out so he could pull his pants down and was about to thrust into her when he was pulled up and thrown. Ron glared up but regretted the action immediately.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?” It was……………………………………………. Dumblydore!

Quote :
"Harry… it's not what it looks like. She wanted this."


“Girls love getting sticks shoved into their vaginas! I should know!”

Quote :
Ron pleaded his case; looking at a very pissed off Harry. Harry growled; the sound sharp and fighting to Ron.

"Harry as much as it would please me to kill this weasel." Ron stilled as he heard Malfoy's cold hard voice speak from where he stood. "But I would much rather take care of Hermione right. She is in so much pain." Draco's voice softened as he spoke to Harry.

"Go love; take her to Madam Pomfrey." He whispered gently

CLICHÉ COUNT: 15

No matter how dire the situation, our main couple cannot stop reminding us of how twu their wub is.

Quote :
before his voice hardened continuing. "I'll take care of this." Draco nodded before gently picking his mate up and disappearing.
"Harry! Why did you let Malfoy take Hermione?" Ron yelled clearly upset that another man other than Harry touch what he thought was his.

Oh, so Ron is okay with HARRY touching Hermione. Gee, after the Deathly Hallows, I never took Ron to be a Harmonian.

Quote :
Harry chuckled darkly but made no move to explain.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 16

“Allow me to take great pleasure in getting you into trouble. I mean, it’s not like we were best friends less than an hour ago. Nope, I will have no internal conflict or confusion about why my best friend would do such a thing, I’m just going to suddenly have never liked you anyway.”

Quote :
"For what you've done to Hermione you're going to pay." Harry hissed. His quick movements startled Ron and Harry performed Legiliments.

Uh, when did he learn to do that? Legilimency is an incredibly rare skill, and Harry was never trained in it.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 17

“Trouble? Welp, I better immediately master a nearly extinct skill!”

Quote :
Harry ran though Ron's head until he found what he wanted. He watched as Hermione confessed that she no longer loved Ron and apologized for any hurt she was causing him. As Hermione walked away Harry saw a plan form in Ron's thoughts. Stopping there he moved forward and watched as Ron hurt his Hermione. Harry almost pulled away when he heard her scream in pain but he needed to know what the bastard had done. Harry stopped where he had intervened and wished that they had gotten to Hermione sooner. Conjuring a rope Harry bound Ron so he could not escape.

Shouldn’t you have tied him up and THEN mind-raped him? I mean, what was Ron doing this whole time, just standing there?

Quote :
…H.D.H…H.D.H…

"Madam Pomfrey." Draco called out no loner his Veela self.

What? Veelas only have one form. They’re always their Veela selves.

[quote]The nurse walked out and stopped in her tracks as her eyes fell on Hermione who was curled up against Draco's chest.
"Oh my; what happen?" [quote]

PFFFT. Okay, I know, there are other more stupid typos in this thing, but just imagining matronly Madame Pomfrey being all “WHAT HAPPEN?” amuses me to no end.

Quote :
She asked as she motioned for Draco to lay the girl down on a bed. Gently he placed her on the closet one.

Which was a mistake, as Suemiones need lots of sunlight to heal themselves.

Quote :
"She was almost raped." Draco answered clearly worried and upset; Pomfrey could hear it in the way he spoke.

ALMOST raped? She was penetrated by a frakkin’ stick! Who cares if it wasn’t a penis, it’s still rape!

Quote :
"Mr. Malfoy, could you please go and wait outside? So I can look over Miss. Granger." Draco looked over at Hermione who eyes meet his in a silent plea. Walking out and leaving Hermione alone was hard for him especially after what had just happened.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 18

“Oh, how can I leave my beloved twu wub all alone in a hospital room? I just can’t take this amount of separation!

Quote :
"Draco…is Hermione ok?" Harry asked approaching his mate worried.
"I don't know Harry. Pomfrey asked me to leave them alone." Draco cried pulling his mate close. Harry wrapped his arms around his Veela and concentrated on making his scent comforting.

So, not only are vampires extra-sensitive to people’s smells, but they can consciously change their own?

Quote :
"I need to know Harry. Where is the Weasel?" Draco asked his demon slipping free as he said the name.

“FOOL! I AM the weasel!”

“DRACO, WHAT HAVE YOU DOOONE?!”

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

*shot for making a joke so goddamn old*

Quote :
"I brought him to Professor Snape. He watched the memories saying he had to see the evidence first hand. I could smell the anger that rolled off Snape as he watched. When he pulled way; he flooed McGonagall instead of going up to her and she has contacted the ministry. I don't know what will happen now." Harry explained.

"Let's not worry about that now." Harry nodded and pulled away when he heard the handle next to them move.

"You can come in now." She said eyeing Harry before moving to let them in.

Oh, so they had to leave the room for all of two minutes? I guess that whole “rape trauma” thing I’ve heard about is just bullshit.

Quote :
"Hermione" turning her head she smiled a little at Harry; than at Draco.

"Thank you for saving me. I thought he was going to…" Harry grabbed her hand

"There is no need to thank us. We love you, we willalways protect you." She smiled again but this time it wasn't small.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 19

“I wub you, and I will always protect you! ‘Cuz, yanno, there’s no way you could ever be able to deal with problems on your own or whatever.”

Quote :
"You know I went over what you all told me over and over again and decided that I would agree to mate with you Harry but I'm so unsure of whether or not I could forgive Malfoy for everything he has done and said to me." She said honestly. Draco placed a hand on Harry shoulder to get his attention.

"Do mind if I speak with her alone love?" Draco asked. Harry frowned he didn't want to be away from Hermione but decided to leave. Getting up he kissed Draco on the cheek and was gone.

“Well, now that he’s gone, we can restore canon. Allow me to verbally abuse you.”

Quote :
"You know" Draco started "before this happened I was coming to speak with you. That's when I heard about Ron planned on doing to you for breaking up with him." Draco shivered and moved on clearly not wanting to talk about it. "Any way like I was saying, you are my mate and I want you to love me. Before coming into my inheritance I was very mean to you." Draco chuckled at her narrowed eyes. "Ok, ok." Pausing he thought of a good word for what he had done to her. "I was very cruel to you." He finally said. "I called you something that I regret immensely. Mudblood" He shivered "I will never call you that again.

Hey, how about saying that you’ll never call ANYONE that again? I mean, Hermione’s not Draco’s sole victim, he was cruel to a lot of people. Does he regret any of them?

[quote]I know that I can't take back what I've said or the hurt you felt after I said it. I am however willing to make it up to you ever day for the rest of my life if you gave me the chance to prove to you how special you are to me. [quote]

“By being completely out of character. C’mon, I warped canon just so we could be together! That’s got to count for something!”

CLICHÉ COUNT: 20

“I know I’ve treated you terribly, but now that this magic shit is making me want to bone you, I’m super sorry. And, uh, I love you and stuff, I guess.”

Quote :
After seeing what Ron had done to you I felt so sick. It hurt to know you were in pain and that there was nothing I could do to take it way. If only I" Draco trailed off tears escaped his eyes.


“If only I could’ve been my canon self and not given a shit, none of this would have happened!”

Quote :
He looked away not able to talk any more. Hermione's breath was labored as she cried. She turned his face to hers with gently but sure hands.
"Thank you Draco." She said softly her brown eyes staring into his gray eyes "You don't know how much this means to me. That you are willing to make up for what you've done, but you know what?" She asked with a tilt of her head. Draco's eyes were now curious.

"What?"

“You are a terrible person, and I refuse to forgive you until you take back what you said to my friends and all of your other victims.”

Quote :
"You have made up for it. By hearing talk about what you've said and what you felt when you found me I forgave you. Then listing about how you wished you had gotten there sooner makes me feel warm.


“In my panties.”

Quote :
To know you care that much for me even though I might not have chosen to mate with you; makes me very happy.

CLICHÉ COUNT: 21

“You’re a racist bigot with no remorse—wait, you’re sorry? You wub me? Oh, well, that’s okay then.”

Um, Hermione, can I refer you to a couple of paragraphs ago?

Quote :
That's when I heard about Ron planned on doing to you for breaking up with him." Draco shivered and moved on clearly not wanting to talk about it. "Any way like I was saying, you are my mate and I want you to love me.

He all but stated that if you weren’t his mate, he would’ve just kept walking and allowed you to be raped! Yeah, that’s the kind of love you need.

Quote :
I will mate with you Draco Malfoy because you have proven to me that you love me unconditionally." The response she got was a soul searing kiss.

This was a prelude to a Dementor’s kiss, making sure that the soul is properly cooked before consumption. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :
His lips moved against hers with such passion and love; she couldn't help responding by leaning more into the kiss. A cough caused them to pull away as she blushed. Draco chuckled and turned to see Harry pouting.

“WAAAH, I wanna join in the threesome!”

Snip them all taking turns kissing.

Quote :
Harry pulled away hearing four sets of footsteps approach the hospital wing.
"Someone's coming." Harry whispered into Hermione's ear. "As much as I would love to continue" He trailed off as the door opened.
The trio watched from Hermione's bed as Snape walked in first fallowed by Ron who was in shackles, and the last two to walk in were McGonagall and Kingsley Shacklebolt the Minister of Magic.

Wait, Kingsley is the Minister? If Harry and Hermione are still at Hogwarts, shouldn’t the Minister either be Fudge or one of Voldemort’s puppets? And why isn’t Dumbledore here?

Quote :
"Hello Miss Grange, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy" Kingsley started "I wish we could have meet under different circumstances but as it is I have not." He said remorsefully


So Kingsley hasn’t met Harry or Hermione yet, but he’s the minister? When is this taking place?!

Quote :
"I have found out that you Miss. Granger are one of Mr. Potter's mates' is that correct.

“I found this out by talking to the Suethor. She’s incredibly knowledgeable about Veela and vampire mating patterns, but not much else.”

CLICHÉ COUNT: 22

EVERYONE has a perfect knowledge of how twu the main characters’ wub is. Unless they’re evil soulless bastards who have never known love, that is.

Quote :
"That's correct Minister. I am also one of Draco's mates'." Kingsley nodded;


That makes it sound like Kingsley is one of Draco’s mates. Oooh, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] fans will be delighted!

Quote :
he knew a little about the kind of matehood the three were in.

He’d received a briefing on it from several screaming fanbrats.

Quote :
"You might not know this Mr. Potter" Kingsley said looking at Harry.

“But this entire fanfic is an undiluted pile of shit.”

“NOWAI.”

Quote :
"Since you're an ascended vampire you have the right to sentence Mr. Weasley." Harry's body stilled for a moment and then his whole posture changed.

WHAT?! First of all, what is an “ascended vampire”? A fully mature one? Also, why does Harry’s species allow him to take the job of a judge and jury?

CLICHÉ COUNT: 23

“You get an unfair amount of authority on a very important decision. Why? Because, ummmm… because you’re a vampire, that's why! Yeah!”

Quote :
"I think he should be killed of the way he treated my mate. But I will let Hermione chose his punishment."Harry said looking at Hermione his usual bright green eyes were dark and cold but she could still see a little of her Harry in those eyes which helped her relax a little.

Well, that’s nice of him and all, but allowing a victim of a crime to choose the punishment of the perpetrator when the crime just happened and she’s still traumatized and everything is NOT a good idea. She’s not going to be able to think of this clearly and objectively before making a decision. She’s going to give him what she feels he deserves.

Quote :
"I agree with Harry but… I think since he was going to rape me… that he should feel what it would have been like for me… if he had been able to continue." Draco sat beside Hermione and pulled her into his arms kissing her cheek. Harry didn't turn back around as he watched Hermione closely.

"You heard my mate."

Wait, so they’re going to rape Ron? But she said she agreed with Harry, so they’re going to rape and then kill him? Who’s going to do it? Are they going to rape him with an actual penis or with an instrument? How can this punishment be legal?

CLICHÉ COUNT: 24

The government always agrees with our main characters, even when they’re sick and wrong.

Quote :
"You can't be serious. How can you let this happen?" Ron yelled as he was pulled out of the room by Snape.

“Easy; we just had to completely forget about canon and common sense.”

Quote :
"I am sorry for your mate Harry, Mr. Malfoy. I will leave you now and make preparations for his punishment." McGonagall walked the minister out and closed the door behind her.

No! Don’t leave them alone, they’ll have a threesome right there in the Hospital Wing!

Oh, you think I’m kidding.

Quote :

Warning Lemon Mating

CLICHÉ COUNT: 25

No one ever suffers negative consequences from public sex.

And this is where I leave. This lemon is so damn long, I am not up to sporking it right now. The reason this part took so long was that my computer kept crashing whenever I got near the end. As you can see from Neville Gets an O, I am TERRIBLE at sporking smut, so if anyone feels they would enjoy sporking this nonsense, please join in.
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GeorgeUK
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Join date : 2011-05-16

PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Mon Sep 03, 2012 6:44 pm

Vampire Harry, chickified Hermione, and now Ron Raper gets in on the action as well.
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Sutremaine
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Age : 32
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Mon Sep 03, 2012 7:42 pm

So, in an epic cage fight between Hermione here and Ginny in that other HP fic with the harem, who do you think would win?
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SouthSimGal
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Join date : 2012-05-05

PostSubject: Re: Mate's: Not so much a fanfic as it is a collection of cliches.   Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:52 pm

Sutremaine wrote:
So, in an epic cage fight between Hermione here and Ginny in that other HP fic with the harem, who do you think would win?

Well, neither of them would have any idea what to do, so they'd sit around staring at each other until their ~*~*BEAUTY*~*~ inevitably attracted their respective rapists, Ron and Emperor!Draco. Then the rapists would end up fighting instead, with the winner getting to rape both girls. As to who would win that match, I have no clue.
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