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 Walking on Glass

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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Walking on Glass   Thu Aug 09, 2012 12:30 am

Here we have a fic surprisingly similar to "a sad story," which was excellently sporked on this here forum. For those of you who haven't gotten around to reading it yet, it's a Harry Potter fic that demonizes Uncle Vernon into a child-beating monster. Clearly this author took a leaf out of its book, because this fic does the same thing, only taking it further, making Vernon into a child-beating RAPIST monster.

This'll be a treat.

Quote :
Harry stared out his window. Snow fell softly to the ground. He looked over at the sleeping blonde in the bed near him. The blonde that had saved him…

The author is clearly trying to begin this story in media res.

Quote :
~Three days Earlier~

Of course, this device would be a lot cooler if there were any media to be in res of. lulz I speak Latin so goodly Nothing really occurred to draw us into the story, so we might as well have just begun reading right here.

Quote :
Uncle Vernon's fist connected hard with Harry's jaw.

They had become Siamese twins, and spent the rest of their lives performing acrobatics in circus side-shows.

Quote :
The small raven-haired boy whimpered as Vernon kicked him hard in the ribs.

I don't like the thought of Harry "whimpering."

Quote :
Harry hard a crack! another broken rib.

The author hard a boo! another disgraced sporker.

Also, if Vernon had made a habit of beating Harry hard enough to give him multiple broken ribs, I'm pretty sure someone would notice. You can't very well walk around with broken ribs without wincing at every movement.

Quote :
Then the worst of the punishment came.

Vernon was going to make him read the fics featured on Pottersues! Harry knew that he had confiscated the sporks, so there would be no escape this time.

Quote :
Uncle Vernon tossed Harry on the bed like a rag doll. Harry squeezed his eyes shut.

"Please don't make me read them! I don't want to hear anymore about Draco's harem!"

Quote :
The pain was almost unreal.

"Suethors... please... penis doesn't go there... Malfoy and I would never hook up... men can't get pregnant... OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!"

Quote :
Harry felt blood race down his legs dripping on the bed. "This is what freaks like you deserve!" Vernon growled pulling Harry's hair hard!

I don't think it's grammatically incorrect or anything, but exclamation points in prose are one of my writing pet peeves. It makes me feel like I'm reading the captions in a coloring book.

Quote :
Harry whimpered. Finally Vernon was done and rolled off the undersized green-eyed boy. Harry didn't-couldn't sleep. He lay in a puddle of his own blood, sweat and Vernon's bodily fluids.

HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT: 2

And "bodily fluids" makes it sound like Vernon peed on him. Which makes me think of the dad from Troll 2.

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This clip never fails to make me smile.

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Finally dawn's milky fingers sliced through the inky night.

Dawn's fingers are "milky"? I thought they were more "rosy"? Is the author honestly referencing the Odyssey?

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Harry tried to sneak from the room.

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOURE GOING BOY?"

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Quote :
Vernon bellowed, shoving the thirteen year old boy down hard. Snap! he landed hard too hard on his left wrist. Pain shot up his arm. He whimpered tears running down his cheeks.

HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT: 3

And that's the whole first chapter. There are only three chapters in this baby, although the other two are a lot longer than this.
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PostSubject: Re: Walking on Glass   Thu Aug 09, 2012 7:04 am

Let me guess. The next two chapters will either be...

'"Surprise!" yelled Vernon as he boned young Harry up the ass.'...

or that unspeakable fanfic with Evil!Big Macintosh and the CMC taken up to eleven.
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PostSubject: Re: Walking on Glass   Thu Aug 09, 2012 8:00 pm

Quote :
Harry picked up his glasses that had flew off when Vernon pushed him down. Vernon was huffing and puffing as he stormed from the tiny bedroom.

And he blew the fic down. And there was much rejoicing.

Quote :
Harry curled in a fetal position near the door waiting for it to open once again. He heard the !click! Of the lock and knew it would not be opened for a long time.

Onamatopeia doesn't work that way.

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Harry occupied himself with counting the dead flies in the spider-web on the celling.

The canon!Dursleys would never allow a spiderweb to grow in their house, even if it was in Harry's room.

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Harry had never been allowed outside.

What, is Harry five years old in this fic? We know that the Dursleys allowed Harry to go to school, although they encouraged Dudley to ignore him, but that doesn't change the fact that he was free to go outside when he behaved and didn't call attention to himself.

Quote :
He felt so jealous of the little bugs and things that came and went as they pleased.

"One day I'll be able to go where I please." The undersized green-eyed boy whispered in the dark musty hellhole.

Hell-o and welcome to Clicheville!

"I just want to fly free through the air, but I've always been isolated in this horrid little room with a man who beats and rapes me! WAAAAAAAAH!!!!11eleventy-one"

Quote :
Harry closed his eyes and dreamed. Dreamed he was away from the Dursleys, free like the birds he often heard in the early morning hours. Dreamed that he had…friends. But freaks like him didn't deserve friends. He was awoken by the door being swung opened. Vernon stood there his face red nearly purple.

"BOY!" he bellowed.

"I know you've been storing sporks up your ass, against my orders of NO MORE SPORKING THOSE FANFICS I READ YOU! Now I must carefully remove them with my penis!"

Quote :
Harry cowered. Vernon kicked the boy in the ribs. Harry whimpered.

HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT: 4

Quote :
Vernon unzipped his pants and shoved his slab of hot pulsing meat in Harry's small, tight mouth.

"Slab"? Isn't that more of a flat, thick shape? I don't think any penis should be shaped that way, unless it's been in a tragic steamroller accident...

Quote :
"Don't bite it this time, whore!" Vernon hissed slamming his penis down Harry's throat.

You know, if you got bitten once, you'd think you would learn not to force him to blow you again.

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Harry gagged and nearly choked on Vernon's fat short cock.

Of course, it's not enough for Vernon to be a rapist, he must also have a small cock. Because evil= unattractive. What is it with authors always making rapists small?

Quote :
Vernon kept pumping, finally the obese man came in the young boy's mouth.

DON'T FORGET THAT HE'S FAT LOL

Quote :
White dribbled from his mouth. Harry cried. He cried and curled back into a fetal position, rocking back and forth.

How long has this treatment been going on? Harry says he's never been outside, so he's been badly treated all his life, but has he always been raped? If he's been being raped for years, especially if he's not yet school age, then I don't see why he would still be crying over it. Kids will adapt to anything that happens to them, and they'll always assume it's normal or that they deserve it.

Quote :
"Shut up you little freak!" Vernon growled, his fist hitting the boy in the belly. He left then. And in his anger and ecstasy forgot to lock the door.

Nothing in this process was treated as any less than routine, so why did Vernon forget this time? He's been angry and ecstatic before, I'm sure.

Quote :
Harry didn't realise that till much later. He sat there curled up sniffing and wiping his runny eyes and nose. He lost track of time sitting there replaying the scene over and over and over and over again. He hated Vernon. And his aunt, he saw her so seldom he barely remembered her name and their wretched son Dudley. He hated them all. But he also loved them.

Why? Because they provide food for him? Because he knows he could be worse off? Because he's just happy someone is paying attention to him? I'm not saying this opinion is impossible for an abused child, I'm just saying that I would care about Harry a lot more if he only explained the motives behind his feelings.

Quote :
And that confused him worst of all.

Oh I see, that's why we get no insight. "I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHY I FEEL HOW I FEEL BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHY LOL" Why do authors use this as a cop-out so often?

Quote :
He understood why they hated him. Because he was a freak. But he couldn't understand why he loved them.

Will this very serious issue ever be addressed? FUCK NO.

Quote :
Harry stood up and without much hope turned the door knob. !click! The door opened. Harry nearly gasped.

Wait, Vernon has never left the door locked before, so why did Harry try now? We didn't see him try it last time, and he clearly didn't take into account the fact that he didn't hear the lock !click! this time, because he was surprised when it opened. People do things for REASONS, author, and when you tell a story by their point of view, you have to explain those reasons!

Quote :
He stepped from the room, suddenly he was running, to the front door, he opened it. !RING!RING!RING!RING! The alarm startled him and he paused on the porch.

Who sets an alarm to go off when the door is opened WHILE THEY'RE AT HOME?!

Quote :
Vernon waddled as quick as he could from his bedroom.

HE WADDLED 'CAUSE HE'S FAT LOL

Quote :
But the boy was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Free. Harry ran, ran, ran until he could scarcely breath,

Which reminds me: if Harry hasn't ever been out of the small room, then he really shouldn't be able to run very fast. Vernon, tubby as he is, should have been able to grab him.

Quote :
still he ran he imagined Vernon behind him, his pants unzipped his penis hard and hot spewing with fluid at Harry's back, Harry ran on.

Ummmm... I know that image was only in Harry's head, but were we really supposed to imagine Vernon ejaculating in anger while chasing Harry?

Quote :
He ran til he collided with a tall thin blond haired man.

"Hello." The man said in a soft sort of voice. Harry said nothing. Just stood there with blood dripping from his legs.

It should be dripping DOWN his legs, author, unless Vernon was raping him through a leg wound. Also, what is Harry wearing? If Vernon was constantly sexually assaulting him, you'd think he wouldn't be wearing any clothes. Well, I am now imagining Harry making a break for it naked, his penis flapping in the wind...

Quote :
"Has someone hurt you?" The man asked,

Well, DUH! There's blood dripping down his legs, I think it'd stand to reason that SOMEONE hurt him.

Quote :
Harry simply collapsed, his eyes closing. He fell into a comfortable black. When Harry awoke he was lying in a warm soft bed, next to a blonde haired boy. The boy looked about sixteen. Harry slipped from the bed and curled up in a chair by the widow.

"So, widow, where are we?"

"Well, this is where they take abused Stus. And spiders, of course."

"Ah, that would explain why you're here..."

Quote :
Harry stared out the window snow was falling heavily. The wind screamed. Harry was scared. He whimpered.

HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT: 5

Quote :
The blonde stirred.

"Hello." He smiled gently. Harry dropped his eyes to the floor. "I'm Draco Malfoy. What's your name?"

Wait, if this is Draco, the blond man who took Harry here must be Lucius. What the hell was Lucius doing, hanging around a Muggle neighborhood?

And if Draco is sixteen, then so is Harry, and he's been to Hogwarts and should know who Draco is. Plus all that "never allowed to go outside" thing would be bullshit.

Quote :
Harry shrugged.

"Surely you know your name?"

"M-my….uncle c-calls me…um…Freak…b-but…m-my-my na-name is-is H-Harry…" Harry still didn't meet the other boy's eyes.

So if Harry does know his own name, why did he shrug?

Quote :
"A cute name for a cute boy." Draco grinned.

"a-ar-are y-y-you g-gay?" Harry asked.

Shocked Okay, I guess calling a sixteen-year-old "cute" is an odd thing for a straight guy to say, but gee, Harry. Actually, this is pretty accurate. Harry has apparently never had any human interaction with anyone but the Dursleys, so of course he would have no way to know how to act in polite company.

Wait, then how does Harry know what "gay" means? Did Vernon give him the talk while raping him one day? No, it must've been when he read him My Immortal...

Quote :
"Wow! You are one blunt kid!" Draco laughed, "But, yes I am gay."

"I-I…I'm gay t-t-t-t-too" Harry stuttered.

How does Harry know that he's gay? His only sexual experiences have been with Vernon, and he clearly hasn't enjoyed them. Maybe Vernon just told him that "gay" meant you had sex with other men?

And author, w-w-when y-you w-write y-y-our c-c-ch-ch-character's dialogue like th-thi-this, we can gather that they're stuttering without you telling us.

Quote :
He blushed. Draco threw his head back and laughed.

"Come here, sit on my lap." Draco smiled. Harry walked over and sat on Draco's lap.

Um, shouldn't Harry be really scared to do that? He might do it out of fear, but since we have insight into his feelings, we should know that he's terrified that Draco might do to him what Vernon did.

Quote :
Draco ruffled his hair.

"Hey buddy. Hey." Draco grinned hugging him. "You know you're a cutie don't ya?"

This scene is pretty squicky, especially when Draco talks to Harry like he's three years old. Seriously, where is the emotion in all of this? Harry should be quaking in his boots.

And if Lucius went to the trouble to take Harry to his home and lay him in Draco's bed (seriously, does Malfoy Manor have no guest rooms?) then you'd think he had treated his wounds, and therefore would know that Harry had recently been raped, so wouldn't he tell Draco to lay off?

Quote :
Harry blushed.

HARRY'S BLUSH COUNT: 2
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PostSubject: Re: Walking on Glass   Thu Aug 09, 2012 8:48 pm

Yeah…am I the only one who paid attention during book three aka the one where Harry blew up his aunt because he was pissed off? Witches and Wizards are dangerous when they're angry.

This reminds me of a good tic I lost track of, sadly enough. Basically after the roof incident when he was seven, the Dursleys' kept Harry locked in a cage because they hated him, telling the neighbors they sent him to live with other relatives. Eventually after the letters are unanswered, Snape comes to collect him and is horrified by what he sees...Of course the writer actually knew something about child abuse so after all this abuse, Harry's behavior is closer to Genie than a cute, plucky Dickensian orphan who immediately latches onto the good guys because years of abuse never leaves you suspicious of hawt people. Rolling Eyes


Last edited by Mouse on Fri Aug 10, 2012 6:34 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Damn you, autocorrect.)
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PostSubject: Re: Walking on Glass   Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:33 pm

Quote :
Harry sat in Draco's lap, his head resting on Draco's shoulder. Draco twisted his fingers gently in Harry's long hair. Draco had never felt like this before. He felt like he had to protect this little boy.

Why is Draco calling Harry a "little boy"? Is this an AU where Draco is significantly older than Harry, and Hogwarts doesn't exist? That would make this whole story make a lot more sense, but nowhere in the description or the author's notes does it say "AU."

Quote :
A feeling of complete love filled his heart.

Hey, how 'bout you show us that love instead of telling us?

Quote :
He barely knew the boy, but could tell he'd been through a lot.

I can hardly see Draco reaching out to someone simply because they'd been through a lot. He certainly wasn't very kind to Harry in canon, even though he knew he was an orphan, unless of course you count the offer of "friendship" in the first book.

Quote :
"Come on, bath-time…you stink." Draco grinned gently.

Stop treating Harry like he's three years old! Or at least explain why you're doing it!

Quote :
Harry nodded and followed Draco to the bathroom. Draco ran some warm bath water and helped Harry get undressed.

"Can you bathe yourself?"

Harry shook his head, "I-I…um…never…took a b-bath in m-my l-l-life."

Wow, an entire life without a bath. Harry's appearance must be something to behold, especially with being raped daily and all. Care to SHOW US what he looks like, author?

Quote :
"I can tell." Draco joked,

THAT DOESN'T COUNT!

Quote :
he took a washcloth and started scrubbing the boy down. Harry tensed at first then slowly started to relax.

All those physical and sexual abuse victims who shy away from human contact? Who can never bring themselves to truly trust anyone? Obviously no one has ever GIVEN THEM A BUBBLE BATH. Pfftt, we've been screwing around with therapy and gradually inducting them into everyday life when all we needed was some warm water and soap!

Quote :
Finally he got playful and pulled Draco into the tub with him. Draco yelped as he was pulled in the warm water.

Tiny little Harry, who has been kept in a tiny room and raped all his life (not to mention that he's possibly a toddler), can easily pull sixteen-year-old, reasonably healthy Draco into a tub with him.

Quote :
"Harry!" He giggled taking off his shirt and undoing his pants.

Good idea! Get naked in front of the boy who's been sexually victimized since childhood! I'm sure that won't have any negative repercussions! SPOILER ALERT: it doesn't.

Quote :
Harry looked up innocently. Draco laughed and hugged the smaller boy.

Of course Harry's not going to freak out at this. Sexual abuse victims don't become the slightest bit uneasy when someone they hardly know strips down and hugs them while they're naked, what idiot told you that?

Quote :
Harry growled playfully and gave Draco a quick peck on the lips, going red instantly.

Nope, they just put the moves on ya. Those horny abuse victims!

HARRY'S BLUSH COUNT: 3

Quote :
"Was that all?" Draco asked, his blonde eyebrow raised.

If Draco is giving Harry a bath, shouldn't he be able to see his, erm, wound? I mean, the blood that comes from being raped in the anus (with no lube mentioned) would be pretty noticeable to anyone looking.

And didn't Harry break a few ribs in the first chapter? Yeah, he was still able to make a quick getaway with those. Did Lucius heal those with magic while he was sleeping or something? Shouldn't Harry have noticed that his chest didn't hurt anymore when he woke up?

Quote :
Draco leaned over and kissed Harry on the lips, a deep loving kiss. Harry gasped and attacked Draco's mouth,

Biting and clawing until his lips were nothing but a greasy mess of blood.

Quote :
kissing him with passion. Draco laughed against Harry mouth and reached under the water.

Reached WHAT under the water? What is he touching, Harry thigh, chest, stomach, ass, dick, what?

Quote :
Harry moaned and kissed Draco's throat.

Then sunk his teeth into it, carefully ripping out the windpipe and leaving Draco to drown in his own blood.

Quote :
"I-I l-love y-y-you I-I'm s-sure sure of it." Harry whispered.

Normally I'd whine about how they've known each other for less than an hour, but I suppose it's normal for a severe abuse victim to latch onto the first person who treats them well. However, I WILL whine about how Draco has not treated Harry well, he's done plenty of things which should have reminded Harry of his abuse and made him want to escape again.

Quote :
"I love you too Harry." Draco smiled hugging the boy.

"I want to be your…um b-boyfriend." Harry stammered, turning beet red.

"I'd like that." Draco grinned kissing Harry again. "I love you…boyfriend."

This is the clunkiest love confession I've ever seen.

Quote :
The two got out of the tub and dried off. They curled up on the bed naked. The two made love.

Clearly, this author is the master of the erotic thriller. This passage gets my panties moist every time.

Quote :
It seemed Harry finally had his happy ending, but a storm was brewing…and that storm was Vernon.

Hurricane Vernon, a level 1 storm of pure narm.

Quote :
Vernon snarled and kicked a chair out of his way.

Out of his way to what? Where is he and where is he trying to go?

Quote :
"I must get that boy back!" he hissed. His cock twitched at the thought of having the boy underneath him squirming and crying. He would punish the boy, oh yes, punish him good. Vernon couldn't wait to fuck the shit out of the boy.

Ewww, it's really not as sexy as you might think to fuck the shit out of someone. Puncturing the colon always brings such embarrassing health problems...

Quote :
He'd invested in the best bloodhound in London.

PPFFFFFFTTTT. Okay, Vernon bought (Rented? Borrowed? Exchanged for sexual favors?) an amazing bloodhound. I still have a hard time buying it that he couldn't catch Harry when he ran away, but I'll just assume that he caught up to Lucius, argued with him after Harry passed out, and Lucius decided that he was obviously abusive and that he had to rescue Harry himself. So, how did Lucius take him away after that? If this is an AU, I'm guessing he put him in his car. If it's not, I guess he'd wait for Vernon to go away and then Apparate. Either way, how could a bloodhound track that?

Quote :
His name was Bud.

Oh...kay.

Quote :
He gave the dog a whiff of the boy's shirt. The dog bolted out the door, dragging the fat man behind him.

VERNON'S FATNESS COUNT: 3

Quote :
Harry stared out his window. Snow fell softly to the ground. He looked over at the sleeping blonde in the bed near him. The blonde that had saved him.

OOOOOH IT'S THE WORDS THAT WE HEARD AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY AND NOW WE KNOW WHO HE MEANS HOW SMASHING

Quote :
Suddenly a knock at the his bedroom door.

It had accidentally 42 GB.

Quote :
He opened it and screamed. A hand pressed against his mouth, shutting him up. Vernon was there. Harry struggled then stopped it was no use. Vernon was too strong. He pulled the boy into a car and slammed it into reverse, they peeled out of the driveway and into the street. Harry whimpered pressed against the car door.

HARRY'S WHIMPER COUNT: 6

Quote :
"Think you're clever boy? Huh? Well youre not!" Vernon hissed, "No matter where you run I'll find you!" he stopped the car in front of a dinky little building. Vernon dragged Harry in. three huge guys stood there.

Um, why are we here?

Quote :
"That's him?" One said his eyes unbelieving.

"God, a fly's bigger en him!" the other said.

Did the author just attempt to write out a Cockney accent?

Quote :
The other just licked his lips.

"He's tight, real tight." Vernon said ripping Harry's pants off and bending him over. Harry whimpered as the first guy pounced on him.

So THIS is how Vernon paid for the bloodhound. Actually, it never says who these guys are or why they wanted to fuck Harry. I mean, the way Vernon was talking a few paragraphs ago made him sound like the jealous type when it comes to his rape victims, so I figured he'd want to make sure Harry never got touched by anyone else.

Quote :
"Oh, God, oh God! He's fucking tight!"

Harry closed his eyes and dreamed he was with Draco…

No trauma, no horror at being dragged back into the life he'd thought he'd escaped. Not even another damn whimper. Just, "Gee, I wish my b-b-boyfriend were the one violating me right now!"

And that's how the fic ends. It got discontinued after this chapter, I assume it's because the author lost interest or didn't get enough reviews. Here, I've been snipping the author's notes so far, but here's the final one, in celebration of the first spork I truly finished:

Quote :
So yeah that's all I have…ummm like I said if you have an idea for where this can go next tell me.

"Think up my own plot? Silly, my readers can do that for me!"

And as long as we're here, have some reviews:

Quote :
Please make it longer? or a novella? that would be amazing! Smile

Good job!

Did someone honestly find this writing engaging enough to want to read a freakin' novella full of it?!

Quote :
So my favorites.

The Dusley are so bad with Harry

I'm guessing that the first line was to indicate that she had added the fic to her favorites? This thing had 13 favorites, by the way.

But what is "the Dusley"? A hybrid of the Dursleys and Dudley? Wouldn't that be impossible, seeing as Dudley is a Dursley? Well, maybe if Petunia, Dudley, and Vernon were chemically combined, the Dusley is the beast that would emerge.

Quote :
Get Harry to apparate back to draco - wish magic

Ha, silly reviewer, that would require Harry to do something other than whimper and come onto Draco!

Quote :
Is this a fic where both Draco and Harry are muggles? like an AU fic?

THANK YOU, REVIEWER! I want to know these things!

Quote :
I think that maybe Draco should come bursying in and save him. Kill Vernon and the other guys and then take harry away.

"I WILL BURSY IN AND SAVE YOU, MY LOVE!"

In a more serious tone, this fic gets a 0.1 out of 5 in terms of quality. Although "rescue from abuse" stories rarely catch my fancy, this one depends on plot holes just to keep it from collapsing in on itself and has no characterizating or motives in the slightest. The only thing I can really use to vouch for it is that while the rape scenes were IKEA-style, they at least didn't seem to be written with only one hand on the keyboard, which is more than I can say for many rapefics. However, the romance was not only phoned in, but incredibly offensive to anyone who was ever a real victim to physical or sexual abuse.

However, in terms of enjoyment, this gets closer to a 3 out of 5. I couldn't help but giggle behind my hand at the clunky dialogue, contrived romance, over-the-top caricatures of both victims and abusers, and obvious Random Events Plot. However, that can't take away from the horrified reaction I had for the way Harry acted toward Draco with no reason to trust him whatsoever.

Overall, this is rated a 1.55/5, and is worth reading only if you aren't especially sensitive to rape and misjudgement of its aftereffects.
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