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 JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT

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PostSubject: JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT   Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:31 pm

Since this year marks the 50th anniversary of the first James Bond movie, I thought we should celebrate it by sporking some truly awful Bond fanfiction.

The two-part fic is written by a Finnish guy named Storyprovider. His stories are generally very short and contain AWFUL grammar and spelling. They are nevertheless incredibly funny. He used to post his stories on [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] (I myself discovered him maybe about a year ago), but just recently his "storyes was deleted for some kind of reason" from that site, and now some of them (including the story I'll be sporking now) can be found on his new blog: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Anyway, let's begin:

Quote :
JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT

Bnod, James Bnod.

See what kind of author we're dealing with here? He even manages to misspell the name of the main character for god's sake...

And really, "space aliens"???!!! This supposed 23rd movie makes even Moonraker seem down-to-earth.

Suddenly, we are thrown in the middle of the action with no context whatsoever:

Quote :
it vas day and james bond vas figths on some place and kickd bad guys in the face

WHERE?! WHO?!

Quote :
but sudenlty the radio said that "this is the m you must meet me i have the mission you must kill space aliens hurry"

Not only does this fic contain "space aliens", but talking radios too!

Quote :
but then bond soon sawed the space aliens and took his guns and seyed that "space aliens you have come to inwad so you must die"

How the hell does Bond know that anyway? If a talking radio said out of the blue that I "must kill space aliens hurry" and left it at that, I'd be confused as hell. He doesn't even make the tiniest effort to find out what these "space aliens" want.

Bond then engages the aliens in a battle, and belatedly gives us insight into their motivations:

Quote :
but then the alien boss guy took a lazer gun and aimed to bonds head but missd! "oh no i miss but you vills dies hahahahajhah!" so then bond then shotred to some barrels and they fall to the space aliens vho deads and bond was sads so he saiydd "space aliens i shove more mercies so i kill yous fast but you take prison peple and make science so you make pain so i kiled fast but not slow!" bond sayed again but ten he saw the televison were vas guy who scarred becaus bad aleins and creep lik terrors!

So, these aliens are evil and "cause pain" because they make scientific discoveries and help the tax-payer by alleviating the enormous costs of the prison system???

Quote :
"OH NO SPACE ALIENS KILL AND ATTECK I MUST SEEKS TO THEMS TO PEVENT WAR!" BOND sayed

Oh, so they want to cause a war too? That does sound bad, but why exactly do they want it, Sir Storyprovider?! I STILL HAVE NO IDEA ON WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR CRAPPY STORY!!!

Quote :
and vas soon to landing tsone were vas more space alien guys so he taked the rocket gun and shoot to ceiling and it drop but he sawed a women witch vas loks good


So Bond's a homicidal killer now? Shocked

Apparently she survives this though, and proceeds to sleep with his attempted murderer for whatever reason in a highly erotic sex scene:

Quote :
so they fighted space aliens some times and she vas from sum othre agent place witc vas not sames. after spacealiens had deaded but not all becaus not all in same plage so they kiiss and it was nice so they has sex witch vas good and happy so they .

I've never heard of a secret service by the name of "sames". I must do some research on this.

Also, is this really the right time to be having sex? What with the world being threatened (I think) and everything?

We then get to the exciting action climax:

Quote :
"we have to wins the misson!" bond sayed to woman so they bagan kicks and pungh and space aliens deads so they ranned back to ship so bond jumpeds at to them and they was son in space!

"james bond you stope inwade why" the space alien bossgyu sayed and bond saiyed that "human peple musts be freeded" so the space alien angry but bond tooked his lazer guns and shoted him to hearts and pused into spaces so he vas deads and no more so he had more sexs with woman

Um, shouldn't you leave the ship first? Some military force might end up shooting it down while you're focusing on the deed.

Time for the cliffhanger:

Quote :
but it vas alien instead and taked knife so she cuteded bonds boy thing and he vas scarreds and woman sayeds taht "YOU MAKE INWADE FAIL WE HAVE REVENG NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"!" HE SCRENMD LIK TERROR AND BAD!

Shocked Shocked Shocked

Quote :
SEQUEL WILL HAPPENS!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Oh dear, this is way too painful...

Quote :
THE SPACE ALENS FIGHT 2: I HELP BOND!

author nots: this is a continatio nof my pervious james bonstrory where bond fighted some bad aliens and outcommed in alien cuted of his you know what but that was sad endign so i had to writted a sedquel but please readed first part too (it cans be founded in my pro file: it the only bnod fanfic trere bedsides this))

i wanted aslo do an story where i am in treh story and help bond becaus he cool caracrer and ittd be nicew to help out so i did asequel to made it happen. please enjoy ant reveiw!



Seriously, there's nothing more I can say to that. I don't even know which is worse: The author putting himself in the story, or the fact that he makes no effort to disguise it. That ant is probably the only person on earth enjoying this crap.

Quote :
CHAPTER ONE: BOND IS TO TROBLE!!!

bond has sex wit woman but it wsa a alien who vas evil and cuted off bonds man thing and screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1" becaus bond vas bleeds lots of bloods

How come his immunity system didn't kill him then? Shocked Shocked Shocked

Quote :
and was painting from the horror of all this "aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

Personally, painting would be the last thing I'd be thinking of if an alien cut off my dick. But maybe that's just me.

Quote :
"we have a reveng now! HAHAHAHAHAHA" the alien sayed who bond thoughted was the woman but wasned. he tryed to fight off the evil alien and grabe her from nekk but bond was loosings becaus he was in mutch pain from blood loose and might loose te battel if no one help

Our author self-insert is then introduced, and he's apparently a creepy sex pervert with a castration fetish:

Quote :
BUT THEN I CAME!

Shocked Shocked Shocked

Quote :
CHAPTER TWO: I FIGHT THE ALIENS

OF COURSE YOU DO, SIR STORYPROVIDER. Fap

Quote :
"DIE YOU EVIL GUYS YOU ARE NOT MY FRIES!!!!!" i yelled in mad to the aliens becaus i was angrer then eve before becaus this was james bond who vas good guy and the first story end badsly so i yelld AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! and shooted bang bang bang so the evil aliens had no heeds no more!!!

HE ALSO HAS A METAPHYSICAL MARY SUE ABILITY TO SEE BEYOND THE FOURTH WALL! HOW AWESOME! Fap

Anyway, the whole castration thing is then neatly reset-buttoned:

Quote :
i tooked my surgery things and put the bonds thing into place so bond was ok again and sayed "thanks what uis your name" bond aksed and i ansereds back that "my name is " i sayed and loadeded my guns

WOW. That was lame. No emotional consequances or anything, just punch the reset-button. Also, how convenient is it that the self-insert should be so highly skilled in medicine as well? Fap

We then have another exciting action scene:

Quote :
then more aliens camed to the place and i gived a gun to bond and he shoted to aliens to kill them but they all died so he sayed "we musts excapes out of here now" and i agreeded and did cool kicks to aliens head and his face explose to millon peice HAHA. "thanks fro hepling me" bond say while trowing granaid to a hord of alien

then i tooked a big rocket gun to shooted them and shooted so aliens died.

YEAH! YOU'RE SO AWESOME, SIR STORYPROVIDER! Fap

Quote :
bond then tooked a lazer clock taht vas to his wreist and opend lock to excape pod with it so we goed to the exscopa pod to go away so we went and were safe from explosing ship "hooray we are safe!!!" and the ship explosed in big BOOM! but we wrer safe from exposon becaus bond and i were safe distance from ship so we vere okay

Note the bolded part. Storyprovider evidently tried to make extra sure we could all follow the story. Outstanding job. Rolling Eyes

Suddenly, Bond and the self-insert are already close friends (Bond sure got over that part where the self-insert fapped to his castration rather quickly, didn't he?):

Quote :
"that was close"
"you are good friens bond sayed to me and "

...and what?

Quote :
CHAPTEE 3: WE LAND TO EARTH

the ship landeded in a some place in earth so bond and i stepped from out of ship and and loked at to nature "this is good day" i sayed and bond sayed "yes is it" and i laghed so we did noting for some time to pass time.



Now that was entirely pointless.

Anyway, an alien ship crashes to earth, and our heroes then follow the alien to the MI6 headquarters (I think):

Quote :
"HELP ME A SHIP JUST CRUSH!!!" a woman sayed and we runned to there into her house were it happened there but there was no alien no more or no body so i say "alien has gone away" and bond loaded our guns so we could figted again!

"it is must be the main bad guys escape ship" we realized so it vas all reely hurry!

alien was in car and we chase it to the m16 plage were bonds headcaters was and we goed in after alien did and we askd "have you seen alien" we both sayed same time togetrer but they sayed no so we had to look and meeted m but he was the alien!!!!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL DESTORY THE WORLD!!!!" the alien who disgused as m sayed and bond was mad taht someon would do this to his belowed country that he loved so he gotted madder and madder!

"THIS IS FOR ENGLAND!!!!!!" bond yelld

I thought you were serving The UK, not just England? scratch

Quote :
and jumped to air and kicked the alien to his head so alien flewed out of window but climed to boats "we must make a chase" i remraked so we did and q gived a boat "thanks"

bond and i was in the boat now and we was a gods team and good friend too so bond immedately gasped it when "ALIEN IS THERE!" i sayed to bod so we went but there was too much traffic there so we coulnet see!!!

OF COURSE YOU WERE! Fap

Quote :
"oh no we loosed him!"

but it was a trap and soon the boat was trapped somewhere in some place



Quote :
and alien shooted our guns so we couldned not shoots no more becaus our guns was broke "NOW YOU DIES!" the alien say to us

OH NO!

WILL OUR HEROES DIE?

No, since our self-insert character still has some new tricks up his sleeve:

Quote :
BUT I HAD A POCKET GUN!!!!!

"NO IT IS YOU WHO DIE!" i yelled and shot a big fireball at the alien so the bond was safe and could save the world in anoter time.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Quote :
"thanks for help but hoe?" bond saked me but i goed away. he would not find out my secert.

What just happened??? I'm so confused. Was that some kind of sexual innuendo or is he an alien or something??? WTF IS GOING ON???!!! Angry Angry Angry

Quote :
MAYBE A ENDING...???????

PLEASE DON'T MAKE MORE, I BEG OF YOU!!!

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Sutremaine
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PostSubject: Re: JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT   Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:48 pm

Quote :
i tooked my surgery things and put the bonds thing into place so bond was ok again
i used tongs for putting to bonds thing because tho i love bond it is in manly way and not way like gay man way
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Hot Cancer
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PostSubject: Re: JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT   Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:49 pm

Ah... good ole' Storyprovider.

If only all trolls were as blatant as him.

As you might have guessed, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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Trioculus
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PostSubject: Re: JAMES BNOD 23: THE SPACE ALIENS FIGHT   Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:23 pm

I don't know what this means, but as I read this story the narration is in Borat's voice. It seems to make it more tolerable.
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