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 "How Can I Go On"

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The Unoriginal
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Join date : 2009-06-17

PostSubject: "How Can I Go On"   Sun May 13, 2012 4:47 pm

This is the fic that, in its original form, introduced me to GAFF. Excuse me while I wipe a nostalgic tear from my greasy fat cheek.

The original fic had been taken down, having attracted too much attention of the unwanted kind, ie lots of angry people calling on the author for her hypocrisy - namely, the villains in the story are described to be dressed as sluts, but when the newborn Christian shows up at the prom with a dress that leaves her barebacked down to the crack of her ass, it's all fine and dandy. Then she gets raped... But I'm getting ahead of myself. However, a revised edition is up on ff.net again, much to the delight of heathen armbiters:

Quote :
Life for Serena Tsukino couldn't be better. She had what seemed like the perfect life in Tokyo. She had good grades in school,
Ah, well. The fic starts with a bit of foreshadowing, a telltale sign that the author knows a few tricks of the trade.
Unfortunately, she hasn't learned how to not clutter the story with useless details, or at least not to pile them in conspicuous heaps right when readers would prefer that the plot moved on – for example, in the first chapter, which often makes or breaks a story.

Quote :
she and Diamond had been dating for quite some time and she felt that a marriage proposal was imminent. It might even happen that very night.
This is actually good. See how she builds up anticipation in order to better crush it when the big insensitive dump comes up?
Then it all goes wasted because the next twenty lines are spent on description of her makeup, hairdo and dress, and the climax so carefully constructed deflates like a punctured tire.

Quote :
The year before... His father was a world-renowned businessman... Serena was wearing her favorite dress... She had worn it only a few times... Serena had just returned from the nail salon... She showered, washed her hair and did her make-up...
I only read so far because I knew this fic and wanted to snark it. Still, I was foaming at the mouth after a dozen lines of this. The dress is deserving of a special mention:

Quote :
It was a short, light pink dress with stylish V-neck plunge neckline crossed over the bust


It's not as infamous as the laced prom dress, at least because Serena has not Seen The Light yet, but hot damn! the author sure likes it when there's cleavage in sight.

Serena finally stops worrying herself sick over the several possible reasons Diamond would be late and calls him on the phone:

Quote :
"Hello?" a female voice answered. Serena recognized the voice as Diamond's sister, Emerald.
"Hi, Emerald, it's Serena. Is Diamond there? He was supposed to pick me up an hour ago," Serena said.
"Hold on a minute," Emerald said. There was a silence and Serena knew that Emerald had put the phone on mute.
(biting nails) Get there, sis. Just. Get. There! Diamond's sister does nothing to advance the plot. She might have been traded in for a schnautzer and still I wouldn't give a rat's ass. Next time you rewrite your fic, please have Diamond pick up the goddamn phone himself.
Quote :
"Serena, I know that you've been waiting for me, but I just can't see you anymore. I've been seeing someone else for a few months now, but I haven't found a way to tell you," Diamond said.
"Diamond, how could you?" Serena cried. "I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you."
Was that a comeback, sister? I am... underwhelmed. You could at least have gone for:



Quote :
Serena could hardly believe it. Diamond had just dumped her, on their anniversary. Not only that, he'd been seeing someone behind her back.
And that's pretty much all the insight we get to Serena's emotional turmoil, which has to be OVER 9000 as she

Quote :
practically tore the dress from her body. What did she care if the dress got ripped or torn? Diamond didn't love her anymore.
So, she changes into baggy clothes, leaves a suicide note and runs out of the house without locking the door, because what does she care if a serial killer gets in and waits in ambush for her entire family? Diamond does not love her anymore!
Remember how in the first edition of this fic, she tried to drown herself in a kiddies' pool or something? Well, not this time!

Quote :
She ran all the way to the Nijubashi Bridge
which is part of the Emperor's residence and usually closed to the public. Plus, it does not cross a river but the Castle's own moat (citation needed). I can buy that she might have hit one of the two days a year that commoneers are able to walk the bridge; I'm having a harder time imagining that a Japanese might disregard the Tenno so much. Then again, what does she care if the Crown Princess miscarries the imperial heir at the sight of her bloated corpse floating in the koi pond? Diamond doesn't love her anymore!

Quote :
She stood for a minute or two and finally climbed up onto the railing. She anticipated for a moment before jumping into the river. She fell many feet before she felt the cold water cover her entire body. Serena felt like she was being carried to the very bottom when all of a sudden, she felt a hand
gently placed on her bare shoulder.
“Oh no,” she thought. “I've ended in one of Andrew Troy Keller's fics! Must... dive... deeper...”

Quote :
Soon, her head was above water and Serena took a long gulp of fresh air. When she reached the shore of the river, Serena discovered that the hand belonged to a very handsome-looking man; probably college-age.
The dynamics of her rescue are hazy. It seems that her savior managed to pull her out while staying, warm and dry and handsome, on the shore. So it's either Reed Richards or a close friend of “Thing” Addams.
Quote :
"As a Christian and child of God, it's my duty to save the life of my brothers and sisters in Christ," the man said. Serena looked at the man as if he had a third heard or something equally perplexing.
I stared at this sentence as if it had a third heard too, and still haven't figured out WTF it means.

Quote :
"What are you talking about? I don't want to live anymore and now you just ruined my plan," Serena said.
"Your pain in nothing that God cannot give you the strength to endure," the man said.
scratch

Quote :
"How? I've never known God outside of weddings and funerals," Serena said. "Besides, why would God care about one small person in the world?"
"Because He cares for each and every one of his children. He knows when they're in pain and even though he doesn't take it away, He shares it with you so you never have to be alone," the man said. Serena suddenly found herself wanting to learn more.
(I only want to point out the inconsistencies of this fic, not of the religion it advertises. I only want to point out the inconsistencies of this fic, not of the religion it advertises. I only want to...) So Serena is instantly convinced by a watered down retelling of Mary Stevenson's "Footprints in the Sand". It also helps that the Christian is easy on the eyes and doesn't look at all like Emperor Palpatine with too much eye shadow, like RL Christians sometimes do.

Quote :
"Heavenly Father, I thank you for this opportunity I have had not only to save a life but to also aid in bringing another soul to know Your loving kindness. May she have a safe journey home, wherever that is for her and may she always know that You are there for her no matter what. In Jesus' Name, Amen," he prayed.
Well that was nice of him. I'd still have preferred that he walked her home, suicide attempt and all that.
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