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 Goddess of Music!

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TheIan
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PostSubject: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 11, 2012 2:28 pm

I don't even

So I decided to check out the God of War section of the Pit-- because self-torture makes ya smart, don'tcha know!--only because I found how much I enjoy God of War. I enjoy grabbing my enemies and tearing them in half with my bare hands. I enjoy pixellated bloody spray. Violent games keep me sane. And I told myself, 'there's no way God of War could possibly have any bad fanfiction, it would be impossible!'

Guess what I found.

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Out of pain and angst when losing someone she loves to a mysterious death...Maliyah Jones is sucked into a place she has never known. Out of all of this mess, can she find happiness? *changed one genres to general because of humor**it still has angst tho*
Oh boy! Ready your razor blades, kids!

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Here I am. Sitting in this mirror right before my big performance.
Mirror Master is an asshole like that.

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Think about where it all started.
I dunno... at the beginning, maybe?

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I put these earrings and make up on without a care...not really caring where I STARTED. Just to think that I was just like the people in the audience, coming to see a celebrity getting credit for what someone else has done for them. Me, Maliyah Jones, was once one of the people.
Now she's one of the Chinchilla.

Quote :
" Ms. Jones?"

" Yes, Jeff?"

" You're on in 5... whats the matter? You seem bothered. Want to talk in the little 5 minutes that we have?"

" Its nothing."

" Maliyah, I know you. Whats the matter?"

" I was just thinking about how I started in this game; just the fact that I didnt get to thank Max before he died. Hes the main reason I'm here. If it wasnt for him, I don't know where I would be."
Thank you, exposition. As always you're such a help.

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" Im sure he's looking down on you and is proud. Now come on miss black Kim Kardashian-"

" You know I hate that cornyass nickname, Jeff!"

" I know Im just fuckin with ya. Rock that stage, Lili."

" Thanks, Jeff."
Get all that? Because this story hasn't begun to suck!

On to Chapter 1!

Let's have an info-dump!
Quote :
Max Elroy Rolleck was the best Angent/Manager a singer could have. Once he worked with you, he considered you family. He was like a father to me. When my mother got sick and sent to a nursing home, he took me in and took care of me. But when he had been daignosed with lung cancer, things had gotten shaky. Everyone always told him to stop smoking thos fucking cigars. He always told us he'll be okay and cough up blood after saying it. On August 24, 2010 was my biggest performance yet. He was coughing alot that day. He insisted that I went without him instead of cancelling it so I can tend to him; that he would be fine and watch me on the TV screen; but he was wrong.
"I finally got the results from the test back. I definitely have lung canc--AHAGHAG! AHUAGHASDFJHNWAFLNWSAF!"

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After I had performed I was so excited to get vack to Max's house. When I got there, there was a note on the front door that said:

"Dear Lili,

I saw your concert and it was great. Im so proud of you. If you get this letter, I went for my last walk on the bridge. I still cant believe you were the same little girl I use to spoon feed. Lung cancer finally caught up to me. Ill be back to say my last goodbyes.

Love,

Max
"

I couldnt believe what I was reading.
Neither could I. He may be dying, but would it really kill him to use some apostrophes?

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I hurried to the Ben Franklin bridge, his condition had gotten worse while I was gone. He was pail and looked very exhausted. As I got out my car, he stepped on the ledge of the bridge, like he was going to jump.

" Max, what are you doing!"
"Dammit, woman! Can a dying man dance the Charleston on the edge of a bridge in peace?!"

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He shot me a piercing look that went straight to my heart. He jumped.
Wow. He wanted out of this story as bad as I did! Get that guy a beer!

The Sue takes it rather well.
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I stand there motionless; speechless; thoughless.

I quickly ran to the side of the bridge. All I could see was a flashing blue light, like lightening, flash in the water several times. I didnt know what to think of it. All I knew was that Max was gone.

I drove home crying my eyes out, not being able to hardly focus on the road.
And of course, like a distraught woman-driver Sue, she drives into a text-wall in the next chapter!

Onto Chapter 2!
Quote :
Weeks had gone by and Max's name had came up in news articles and everything. The more they mentioned it, the more guilt I felt. No one expected that I had done it, and I wasnt giving them a reason to. I hardly came out my house. I went intio a deep depression. I cried a lot. I gained a couple pounds and stayed in my room for days, not coming except to bathe, go to the restroom. I had my own personal mini refigerator that I would ask my butler to refill from time to time. Then something occured to me, why sit here self loathing when I can figure out what happened to my beloved Max. I couldn't sit there and sulk anymore. What happened to him that night was suspicous. I had to find out what exactly happened. Even though I saw with my own eyes, something was attracting him to the river. But what?
Maybe this'll be the link between this fic and God of War?

Seriously, two chapters into this and not a single mention of Kratos or any bit of bloodshed! It's become kind of formulaic. Each chapter starts with a text-wall, and ends with dialogue prompting us to the next chapter. This is tedious.

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After two weeks that Iv spent in my room, I came out to find Jeff, my best friend/co-manager/stage manager, chilling on my couch watching the news.

" Three weeks and still no sign of Maliyah's manager, Max Rolleck." The anchor woman announced.

" Ben Bridge." I thought outloud.
Ben Bridge: I haven't eaten anyone, I swear!

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" Hm? Did ya say somethin', Lili?"

" Uh-no, no-"

" Where you goin'?"

" Ill be back. Late."

" Okay. But don't stay out too late."

" As you wish, my ever so caring Italian father."

" Whateva' Lili."

So I left for Ben Bridge.
Yes, jump off it and end this story before we begin to care!

Next time, Chapters 3-6!
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Dixie
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 11, 2012 3:00 pm

Meh... this story is at worst mediocre. I haven't even heard of "God of War" so have no idea who any of these characters are, or what their stories are. So frankly, comments like
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Seriously, two chapters into this and not a single mention of Kratos or any bit of bloodshed
are lost on me.

Apart from a bit of dodgy English, I see nothing intrinsically bad about this fic. Please - unless a story is so unutterably crap that even someone who has no idea about what fandom it represents can see the crapness, don't bring it here.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 11, 2012 4:08 pm

Dixie wrote:
Meh... this story is at worst mediocre. I haven't even heard of "God of War" so have no idea who any of these characters are, or what their stories are. So frankly, comments like
Quote :
Seriously, two chapters into this and not a single mention of Kratos or any bit of bloodshed
are lost on me.

Apart from a bit of dodgy English, I see nothing intrinsically bad about this fic.
What would you say if I told you these characters have no relevance to canon? Would that possibly change your mind any?

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Please - unless a story is so unutterably crap that even someone who has no idea about what fandom it represents can see the crapness, don't bring it here.
OK, that's fair enough advice.
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S-r-ex

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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 11, 2012 4:19 pm

The God of War games are about the chainsword wielding Spartan general named Kratos, his revenge first against Ares and later the entire Greek pantheon. And the bloody mess of zombies, chimeras, cyclopes, harpies, gorgons and other Greek beings in his wake. So writing a GoW fanfic without blood is best compared to the Bible without God. Writing GoW about a singers love instead of a really pissed man's revenge is like The Hitchhikers Guide as a mormon tragedy.

As for this story, it seems to become pretty sue-ish a few chapters in. While the parts I've read so far aren't directly awful, it looks a bit like wish fulfillment on the little author insert. While a war eventually breaks out in later chapters, it seems to take it's damn good time before going anywhere.


Last edited by S-r-ex on Thu Apr 12, 2012 8:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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Reidmar
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:30 pm

Dear god... fan-fiction brats are ruining EVERYTHING!
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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Tue Apr 17, 2012 5:51 am

And this is God of War how?
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Tue Apr 17, 2012 1:06 pm

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:
And this is God of War how?
That's what I said! But my girlfriend was like, "You need to stop wasting money on stupid crap!" and I was like, "Shut up! They were on sale!"
Obvious Illegal Danish reference is obvious!

...What were we talking about again?

Whatever, on to chapter 3...

The author decides to spice up the monotony of the chapter with an author's note that consequently has no real relevance to the story, other than to give the readers a reason to further their aneurysm.
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* Note: She has the singing voice resembling Alicia Keys. I do not own Alicia Keys...lol
Because that is just so important it needed its own author's note. Well done. Rolling Eyes

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As I drove, I thought about this thoroughly. What were those strange flashes in the water? Or were my eyes decieving me?
Or why you didn't bother to look over the edge when you had the chance?

The author, in the middle of her own paragraph, jumps the gun not telling us particularly when the Sue jumps, but deciding it to be a great idea to turn on the flashlight:
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I then got out and went to the side where Max had fallen. I turned the flash light on in the water, but saw no sign of anything, mainly Max's body...

You noted it yourself author it was three weeks since the guy disappeared, and you honestly think you could do a better job at finding his body than the professionals? Either you suck at your own continuity, or you hope your readers to have the attention span of a piranha.

The author then decides an off-screen singer wasn't enough of a role for her Sue, and tries to turn her into a private investigator...
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But it didnt even make sense!
This story doesn't make sense, author!

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He would atleast scream for help...but he jumped on his own will...this was no ordinary river, I began to believe. How was I going to express this to Jeff without him thinking that I was bonkers?

I had to keep this to myself, until I can link together pieces to this mess...
Hell, while you're at it, ask Phillip to consult the Planetary Bookshelves. He'll figure out the Dopant behind this no problem! Kamen Rider W reference FTFin'W!

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All of a sudden gray clouds were gathering like a funnel and lightening began to strike, along with thunder began to crack. The wind blew, and in the water, what seemed to be a whirlpool/portal opened. The same blue flashes occured again. I was terrified and couldnt believe what was happening! This is what happened to Max! So I quickly jumped in the portal...not sure if I will ever be seen or heard from again.
The Sue is clearly not thinking with portals, and dives into chapter 4...

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All I can remember is the dizzy feelingof being in a whirlpool. I rushed up and out of the water onto mud and leaves. It was raining; pouring; Water had gone all the way in my nose and brain.
That doesn't do that.

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My mouth and throat were full of water, I began to choke. That wasn't the only thing wrong, I was naked. Had the water pressure been so hard, it completely obliterated my clothing?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Thanks for that laugh, author. I need it to drown out the stupidity...

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I started crawling more onto the ground and fully out of the water. I felt weak and helpless. I no long had the strength to crawl any further, so my body gave out on me. I was surrounded by trees and forest. Where was I?
I dunno, a forest maybe? Rolling Eyes

But because the author has to drag things out in unnecessarily short chapters, two centaurs happen upon her! (I know, last I checked, God of War didn't have any centaur).
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Soon I here the beating what sounded like the hooves of horses coming closer and closer to me. I didn't have the strength to actually look at them but I could tell there were too men.

Wanna know how the author continues to punish the audience with her stupidity?
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" Ti prépei na kánoume mazí ti̱s?" the first one said.

"Emeís tha ti̱n pároun sti̱ Spárti̱ kai na exetásei ti̱s. Sti̱ synécheia tha ti̱n párei ston Ólympo." said the other while they pick me up by my arms and carried me over to the horse, wrapped me in some cloths and swung me over the ass of the horse. They didn't know that I knew exactly what they were saying. They were figuring out what to do with me. They were going to examine me in Sparta then take me to Olympus.
OK, fuck you author. Your Sue is a singer, a detective, and now a goddamn linguist. A little backstory on how she fucking knows Greek would be nice!

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I was in fucking 5th century Greece. I had guessed that the whirlpool was some kind of magical portal that can travel through time and space.
Though why such a portal exists in the fabric of Wibbly-Wobbly space-time and why The Doctor hasn't fixed it yet is a matter I deem more important than this story.

The Sue is carried off to chapter 5, and she wakes up all prettied and made to look speshuler.
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I woke up to candle light lying in bed. Ancient Greek pots and vases surrounded the floor below me. I sat up and noticed that the two men had clothed me and bathed me. My hair also felt like they had done it. It was in a high bun. The sheets on the bed were so soft, even the pillow.
"Even the pillow", what, author?

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I took a glance at my feet and had barbarian sandals on.

You utterly fail, author. Forever.

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"Eíste xýpnioi." A familiar voice spoke behind me. Even though I could speak Greek fluently, I preferred english.
If you speak it fluently, Sue, how about sharing with us that don't speak it what he just said?

It turns out to be the guy with lung cancer at the start, and the two talk, giving little in the way of an explanation.
Quote :
" Max?"

" Yes." I ran with elation to hug him and he hugged back.

" What the hell is going on? What happened to you? Why are you talking like that?" I asked.

" I should be asking you the same thing. Why are you here? Why did you jump in the portal?"

" I was following you. I saw you jump in and I thought you were dead, but I came back a couple nights later and I fell in. I didn't want to say goodbye."
"By the way, what happened to your lung cancer?"
"I got better."

But why exactly is he here, anyway?
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" Well you should have stayed home. Its bad enough I have to protect the city, now I have to worry about if you are safe."

" With the level of security around here, Im sure you have little to worry about me. Now, we must leave here." I said while sneaking to climb out of the window.

" I cannot leave. I have duties here. With General Kratos away on military call, and if one soldier leaves, Sparta will be vulnerable to any attack."

" I cant believe the shit youre saying right now." I said, losing my temper.
For once, I agree with you, Sue.
"If a soldier leaves, Sparta is vulnerable to attack".
A single soldier leaving and the whole city could get fucked up.
DO YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF AUTHOR

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" First of all, we dont even belong here! This is not even our fucking time or country! Secondly, there are people who love you and miss you back home...especially me."

" Then get back to them yourself. I like it here. Did I mention that they cured my lung cancer?"
How? How would an ancient civilization manage to cure something that would give modern-day doctors and surgeons trouble? This makes no sense!

God-fucking-dammit, author, there are more plot-holes in this story than there are competent writers for Family Guy...

I don't fucking care anymore... Chapter 6, please!
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So that was it. Max wasn't leaving. I know I sound clingy but he is the only father figure I had left. I wasnt ready to let him go just yet, being that I didn't have a choice with my biological father.
The more you go on, the more and more you sound like a selfish twat, Sue.

Lucky I'm stopping it on this chapter, because nothing happens in it worth noting. The Sue ex-posits about Max not being soldier-material, she cries about how much of an "adventure" she's had (albeit waking up in an Ancient Greek city after going through a tear in the fabric of Wibbly-Wobbly Space-Time doesn't feel to count as an adventure) and she finally drifets off to sleep after getting burped and her diaper changed.
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" Look, Im really tired. I think the morning would be best to continue this conversation." He then left to go to his own room. After he left I drifeted into a deep sleep.
Fuck this story.

Next time, it's chapters 7-9.
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Sheba
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Tue Apr 17, 2012 2:26 pm

.....Imma drifet to the back button now. My voice sounds like Alanis Morrisette.
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:51 pm

Wait, how the hell would she know just WHEN she ended up in Greece? I could see someone going "Oh hey this looks like the Greece from movies and that nude statue I saw once!" But how does Mz. Sue the Wonderful know just what date she showed up at?
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:58 pm

bleachedblackcat wrote:
Wait, how the hell would she know just WHEN she ended up in Greece? I could see someone going "Oh hey this looks like the Greece from movies and that nude statue I saw once!" But how does Mz. Sue the Wonderful know just what date she showed up at?

The second stage of Sue Syndrome: Hair becomes shiny and 'perfect', eyes widen, and the irises may become multicolored or colorchanging. Omniscience commonly manifests in this stage.
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 18, 2012 2:54 am

Quote :
* Note: She has the singing voice resembling Alicia Keys. I do not own Alicia Keys...lol

Why do they always do this? Why is it always necessary for characters to look, dress, sound or sing like someone famous? Can't they just look, dress, sound and sing like themselves? Even so, I don't know what Alicia Keys sounds like, but I'm sure you can convey that in a story without a comparitive in an author's note.

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How? How would an ancient civilization manage to cure something that would give modern-day doctors and surgeons trouble? This makes no sense!

By the same logic that people use to reason that Dark Ages civilisations had the technology to make plate armour (which they didn't by the way), but for some reason that technology can't be applied elsewhere, and the rest of civilisation works entirely by digging ditches and shovelling shit.

Quote :
Wait, how the hell would she know just WHEN she ended up in Greece? I could see someone going "Oh hey this looks like the Greece from movies and that nude statue I saw once!" But how does Mz. Sue the Wonderful know just what date she showed up at?

She might have gotten an idea of the period from the architecture, the clothing, and the hoplites. But when you just realise that you've travelled back in time, like, 2000 years, the first thing you're going to do is NOT try to pinpoint the exact period. Your first thought would be "I'm in Ancient Greece!" Not "I'm in Greece in the...hmm, let's see now...this is obviously pre-Byzantine architecture, those pots look like they're from about 5-400BC, and that's definitely early hoplite armour, so I'd say 5th century. I'm in fucking 5th century Greece!"
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 18, 2012 7:27 am

I left a review because I couldn't take how infuriating it was to read this story, and the author replies with:
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You know, it seems to me that you are the expert on how people should write? I think we all have to encounter ** like you in life that only expect their criteria in everyone else that they dont know... Really Guy, i don't a flying ** what you think! Other people think its good so im going to keep my ** fingers on the ** keyboard and keep ** writing. I think that you think that you know what my best writing is. So when i can't drive my tank into your pothole of a brain, i suggest to get off your high ** pedastal!

Good day
Sincerely yours,
Lillykins (^_^)
FAN-BRAT!
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Euglena
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 18, 2012 7:30 am

Man, who does that little ** think she is?! Seriously, ** her!
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PostSubject: Re: Goddess of Music!   Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:25 am

[quote="Cunovendus"]
Quote :

*goes into a rant about Greek art, realizes that just because it's my area of study that no one else gives a shit*

Um... long story made short there is really no way she could pinpoint down her time of landing in Greece to a date just like that. She might be able to look at statues or pottery and go "I don't see anything that looks like it's Classical Art so I have to be here before XXX BCE." Plus she's not in Athans, which is the place to really figure out that you're in the 5th century.

Quote :
Good day
Sincerely yours,
Lillykins (^_^)

Hahahahaha, for some reason this 'sweet' little ending really gets me.
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