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 Becoming Female

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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Jul 26, 2012 12:09 pm

Chapter 14, in which we meet the sexist preacher.

Quote :
We all went inside the church and sat down. Preacher Bob started talking and it was SO BORING.

He'd get more in his congregation if his sermons didn't consist of play-by-play recaps of snooker matches.


Quote :
"Everyone should be Muggles," said Preacher Bob bigotly.

But only wizards know about Muggles, so that means Preacher Bob (played by Mel Gibson) is a wizard...and that...what the hell does it mean!

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Quote :
"Magic is evil and dumb because Jesus said so on page seven of the Bible.


Did he?

*checks Bible*

So he did.


Quote :
Also, when gays marry, it ruins marriage for the rest of us."

I thought Fred Phelps was banned from entering the UK.


Quote :
"Stop, that's WRONG!" I shouted, bravely standing up. "You're HOMOPHOBIC!"

Crystal Captain Obvious Potter, who cares. Unlike the rest of us squares.


Quote :
"Don't listen to her," Preacher Bob said evilly.

Way ahead of you.


Quote :
"Apples are healthy, you moron!" I shouted. "Your Bible makes NO SENSE!" Everyone in the room gasped.

Anyone else think Preacher Bob might be a militant atheist taking everyone for a ride?


Quote :
"Shut up, or I'll send you to Hell on purpose!" Preacher Bob screamed

And then Preacher Bob pressed a button. Crystal was dragged into hell, where every room was Ron's bedroom.


Quote :
"You're SEXIST!" I shouted loudly in a loud voice, but that sexist idiot Preacher Bob kept talking.

Without carrying out his threat to send Crystal to Hell.


Quote :
After he was done, we all went out of the church and into the car.

Must have been a pretty big car.


Next time on Being Female: Dudley falls in love.


Last edited by GeorgeUK on Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:34 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Removed joke that didn't work.)
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EileenK98
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:41 pm

It's just a pity that the person who reposted this could only find half of it. I would have liked to see how it ended (for the lulz, of course).
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:09 pm

Chapter 15, in which Dudley falls in Love.

Quote :
"How DARE you talk to Preacher Bob that way!" shouted Vernon as he started the car.

Careful, Vernon. People who get on the wrong side of this sue tend to suffer violent and suspicious deaths.


Quote :
"He was saying mean things about gay people and women!" I pointed out sexily.

Again, can you imagine that line on sexchat?


Quote :
"Our Lord, Jesus Christ, loves everyone and only he is smart enough to know who sucks," laughed Vernon evilly. "Amen!"

"That's SEXIST!" I yelled at him, but he didn't listen because he was a Christian fundamentalist.

Vernon didn't actually say anything sexist.


Quote :
We arrived back at the house thing and went inside. Luna was holding Dudley's hand cutely.

I don't like where this is going...


Quote :
"Let's watch TV," said Dudley, too stupid to realize that he had become retarded in the first place because of the TV, especially "Jersey Shore".

TV doesn't cause learning difficulties. Let's check the TV Guide, anyway. Junk...junk...Celebrity Big Brother...Ron Raper's Raving Review...ooh, My Little Pony is on!


Quote :
Vernon, who stayed inside to read his favorite Chick tracts.

Which are virtually unknown in Britain.


Quote :
Outside, Luna started telling Dudley all about her amazing, crazy creatures. He believed her because he was retarded and IT WAS SO CUTE.

Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Murderer, Arsonist, condescending to people with learning difficulties...


Quote :
"Way to go!" screamed Petunia. "Now have sex with him in front of everyone!"

And then Luna pulled off her mask. She was Lavender!


Quote :
Later, we went inside to eat our yummy dinner, but Vernon had to pray before he could eat!

You didn't, however.


Quote :
Me and Draco went into my bed and started to have sex awesomely

And then Draco took off his mask. He was Ron Raper!

Next time on Being Female: Vernon is so mean! (At least someone else is in-character.)
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:56 pm

Where's sexist!Ron 100? scratch
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sun Jul 29, 2012 12:04 pm

Chapter 16, in which Vernon is so mean!

Quote :
We went downstairs and Petunia made us breakfast because she was a slut.

There you have it, people. Women who cook are sluts. Wait, doesn't that make Narcissa a slut?


Quote :
Vernon was watching "The Glenn Beck Show" because he was a Christian fundamentalist.

Isn't Glenn Beck a Mormon? Anyway, his show isn't broadcast in Britain.


Quote :
"That evil evolution is still being taught in schools," said Glenn Beck sexistly.

Criticising the teaching of evolution is sexist. Who knew?


Quote :
"Where's Dudley?" asked Petunia.

He's having sex with Preacher Bob.


Quote :
"I'll go get him," said Vernon back to her and he went upstairs. After awhile, we heard him scream at the top of his lungs! He sounded like a little girl!

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Quote :
We all ran upstairs and saw Luna was in Dudley's bed with him! They were naked, but they were covering themselves with the blanket so they were appropriate to look at.

Looks like Luna's a slut.


Quote :
Luna started to cry sadly and Dudley comforted her retardedly.

RIP Proper use of Adverbs, c.1300-2012


Next time on Being Female: Another event happens.
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:05 am

Chapter 17, in which another event happens.

Quote :
"YOU WILL GET MARRIED!" Vernon screamed badly at Dudley and Luna.

As opposed to screaming...unbadly? Goodly? Well? Help me out here.


Quote :
"And it will be a Christian fundamentalist wedding, which means Luna will have to vow to be Dudley's slave and do all his house work and laundry for him! Amen!"

Wrong. Even Christian fundamentalists follow the 1833 abolition of slavery act.


Quote :
"That's SEXIST!" I yelled outrageously.

A wild Vernon appeared!

Go! CRYSTAL!

CRYSTAL used That's SEXIST!

It's not very effective...


Quote :
Women are supposed to do cleaning and have babies and stuff," said Petunia sluttily. "That's our only purpose in life because men are better than us."

Don't sluts sleep around? I don't recall any subservience to men amongst them.


Quote :
"You're not allowed to get married the way you want to because you're so awesome for being a man!

Maybe he should marry another man. Then that would mean awesome squared.


Quote :
We were only allowed to watch Christian movies, so we watched "Raise Your Voice".

Raise Your Voice is about as Christian as Not the Bees The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage.


Quote :
Suddenly, there was an explosion and the front door flew into the room epically.

Decapitating Crystal in the process. The End.


Quote :
A man walked into the house. He was awesome and sexy and he had on epic clothes. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! He turned to look at us sexily and raised up a wand. He was Viktor Krum!

Yay Viktor! He's awesome...until the author discovers he wasn't played by Robert Pattinson.

Next time on Being Female: Saved at Last!
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:58 pm

Now I want to see Robert Pattinson performing all the characters in a one-man Harry Potter show.

What's wrong with me?
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:44 am

Chapter 18, in which Crystal is saved at last!

Quote :
"Go away, you Satanist wizard!" yelled Vernon evilly. "We've made Crystal reject your evil atheism and embrace our Lord, Jesus Christ! Amen!"

Aren't atheism and Stanism Satamism two different things?


Quote :
"THAT'S NOT TRUE, YOU MORONIC NITWIT!" said Dudley epically.

14 years of tantrums and that's the worst he can come up with?


Quote :
As Dudley watched that dumb reality show "Jersey Shore", he did become more and more retarded!

TV does not cause mental retardation.


Quote :
Viktor held up his wand while Vernon meanly took out his samurai sword.

Doesn't Vernon own a shotgun?


Quote :
He raised it up in the air to hit poor Vitkor with it Christianly.

I imagine that would involve carving a cross on the chest.


Quote :
And he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!" Vernon said in a hypocritical voice because actually he was wicked and Viktor was nice.

Explained joke count: 1


Quote :
Suddenly, Vernon tripped on a banana peel and feel backward into the TV, which was epically ironic because actually he was the one who was wicked and so what he said actually happened!

Explained joke count: 2


Quote :
The TV blew up in electricity and Vernon died awesomely in the explosion.

Along with everyone else. The end.


Quote :
We all cheered about that sexist Christian fundamentalist Vernon being gone for good this time!

Bet you he would have returned in the threequel.


Chapter 19: Back to the magic world.

Quote :
Later that day, Petunia died while having an orgy with six random guys because she was a slut.

As you do.


Quote :
Luna decided to stay in the Muggle world and live happily ever after with her new husband, Dudley Dursley!

Of course.


Quote :
Preacher Bob was tied up and on fire because Dudley and Luna were punishing him for being sexist!

And so Dudley and Luna spent the remainder of their lives in prison for murder. The end.


Quote :
"Well, after Umbridge took over she made some new laws," said Viktor sexily. "No one was allowed to have sex or even kiss. People were only allowed to hold hands!"

"THAT SLUT!" I yelled angrily.

Wouldn't sluts encourage sex?


Quote :
"Umbridge was also really mean," Viktor said more. "She said abusive things like 'You have got to be the stupidest person I have ever met' and 'Go back to first grade, dillhole', but acted like that didn't count as being mean. Then Hermione stood up to her and called her fat and Umbridge got really upset and sent Hermione to Azkaban for being mean!"

And suddenly, I quite like this version of Umbridge.


Quote :
"Yeah, that's when everyone realized how much Umbridge sucked," Viktor explained. "She's dead now and they've made Sirius the new Minister. He's turned everything back to normal and sent me to get you and bring you to him."

RIP Umbridge and Vernon, the only two people who were in-character in this.


Quote :
"Okay, that's cool," I said to Viktor in a voice.

At least she didn't abuse adjectives this time.

Next time on Being Female: a Sirius minister

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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:41 am

Chapter 20: a Sirius minister.

Quote :
We went to the Ministry of Magic and Viktor parked his car in Sirius' office.

Running over several unfortunate workers on the way and causing thousands of galleons' worth of damage.


Quote :
Two hot girls wearing bikinis were in the tub with him because he was such a stud. They weren't sluts because they were in love with Sirius for his personality and NOT because of sex.

You keep telling yourself that, Crystal.


Quote :
Suddenly, Hermione walked in the room. She was wearing a lime green rayon blouse with purple polka dots, skin-tight hot pink short shorts made of tweed, olive green tights, cerise knee-high socks, and orange boots with blue stripes. I couldn't see it, but I assumed she also had on a bra and panties under the rest of her clothes so that she would be wearing underwear.

Actually, she wasn't.


Quote :
"Hello, Crystal," said Hermione in a nerd voice. "Are you ready to go?"

Doubt it.


Quote :
"What?" I asked in a confused way because I didn't know what she meant by that.

Looks like Harry found out what he'd been doing the past 74 chapters.


Quote :
"I haven't explained yet," said Sirius awesomely. "I need to send you all on an important mission."

"You're to go to Sexistville, Texas, and stay there."


Chapter 21:
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Quote :
"Well, with the Burrow gone, Umbridge decided Arthur and Molly needed in a new house," Sirius explained sexually, "so she gave them Malfoy Manor. They're now in control of the house and they've made Narcissa their maid!"

Sounds legit.


Quote :
"THAT SLUTTY NINCOMPOOP!" I yelled angrily, referring to Umbridge as a slutty nincompoop.

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Quote :
"That's SEXIST!" I screeched epically.

Deafening the entire city of London.


Quote :
"You, Draco, and Hermione must go there and save Ginny," Sirius said to us, explaining what we had to do. "Viktor can't go because he has to go play Quidditch awesomely for Bulgaria."

Bet they fail.


Quote :
I started to cry because Viktor was so awesome and sexy and I didn't want him to go away!

He won't be awesome and sexy in the next chapter.


Quote :
"Don't worry, Crystal, I'll still be there," said Draco mannishly.

Which was also sexistly.

Chapter 22: The Next Chapter (Wow, talk about imaginative.)

Quote :
Also I've been feeling sad cuz the boy I like never let me sit next to him in class all year cuz he thought I might have cooties.

Or he thought your lack of writing talent might rub off on him.


Quote :
Barty Crouch, Jr. was there waiting for us and he was so incredibly hot.

Where'd he get his new soul? I can't imagine him being able to outbid Satan on eBay.


Quote :
He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

Wait, what happened to Viktor?


Quote :
He had turned nice after the dementor sucked all the evil out of him.

However, it had also rendered him impotent.


Quote :
Also, it turns out Viktor Krum is really ugly and sexist and he doesn't even look like Robert Pattinson.

Of course.


Quote :
"That sexist idiot!" me and Draco laughed together.

Great way to repay all he did for you.


Quote :
She was wearing fancy slut clothes from five hundred years ago or whenever the Wild West was.

No wonder the author's getting straight Fs. Slut!moly count: 10


Quote :
"You're such a joke, girl," I told her awesomely.

This coming from a self-insert of someone who considers Twilight fanfics to be literature.


Quote :
"Get out of our way, stupid!" yelled Hermione epically at that slut Molly.

Slut!moly count: 11


Quote :
"I WON'T LET YOU THROUGH, YOU RETARDED GIRL!" shouted Molly sluttily because she was a slut.

Slut!moly count: 13


Next time on Being Female: He's Back!
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Fri Aug 03, 2012 6:37 pm

Snarking, MLP, ridiculously stupid author add up to be the perfect way to spend a boring Friday evening. I thoroughly enjoy the snarking. How you've maintained your sanity is impressive.
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sat Aug 04, 2012 5:50 am

Chapter 23, in which He's back!

Quote :
BTW, I've taken a writing class now, so the writing will be improveder in this chapter, okay?

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Quote :
"Hi I'm a bitchy stupid teenager" said an ugly slut "and I'm mean to my awesome little sister all the time for no reason! I hate that she blackmailed me with a picture of me and my boyfriend." We all felt a great connection at what a familiar and relatable situation this was.

Blackmail doesn't make you awesome. It makes you dishonest.


Quote :
In a sudden way that sexist idiot Arthur walked out onto the stage. We knew he was sexist because he had said sexist things before!

Sexist!Arthur count: 13


Quote :
He was talking in an American accent because most people know more American people than British people so that way more people could relate to it.

I don't, so I can't.


Quote :
In a sudden way someone walked out on stage! He was covered in bandages so he looked exactly like a mummy

Who could this be, I wonder?


Quote :
In a sudden way he started to undo the bandages revealing his ugly sexist face. He was someone we thought was dead but he wasn't!

Lucius?


Quote :
He had ugly red slicked back hair

Hang on...

Sexist!Ron count: ONE HUNDRED

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Quote :
He was wearing an old-fashioned suit

Yep, it's Sexist!Ron alright.


Quote :
He laughed in a sexist voice because he was sexist.

No, really? Sexist!Ron count: 102


Quote :
HE WAS RON RAPER!

He's Back!

Next time on Being Female: A Slut in my Bedroom!
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sat Aug 04, 2012 9:43 am

GeorgeUK wrote:


Sexist!Ron count: ONE HUNDRED


Yeah

It was looking kind of grim there for a while, but she pulled through.

It's an accomplishment that made her all tingly in her Pleasure Hole.



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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sat Aug 04, 2012 11:26 am

Ron Raper the sexist is now this girl's wet dream
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sat Aug 04, 2012 12:08 pm

Anyone know if there's any fanart for this story? I'd really like to see some of these outfits she describes. (With my luck, the color combinations will burn out my retinas, but I'll take that chance.)
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Sat Aug 04, 2012 2:15 pm

All I found was [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Tue Aug 07, 2012 6:25 am

Chapter 24, in which there's a slut in Crystal's Bedroom!

Quote :
"Well, if it isn't Crystal Malfoy," said Ron Raper sexistly.

Sexist!Ron count: 103


Quote :
"This time I'm going to get away with raping you sexistly and there's nothing you can do about it.

He reminds me of a James Bond villain. Sexist!Ron count: 104


Quote :
I was horrified to discover they had written the words "sluts to rape here" on my bedroom door.

Which is somewhat redundant, as the sluts in this fic will have sex with anything that moves.


Quote :
There was a little girl also there. She was that innocent first year Fanny I had saved epically before. Fanny was innocent because she was a first year. I couldn't believe even Ron Raper would go that low!

You could, or you wouldn't have gone out of your way to trash his character. He's probably twirling his sexist moustache at this moment.


Quote :
"That SEXIST pedophile!" I shouted angrily in an angry voice.

Sexist!Ron count: 105

Next time on Being Female: Freedom!
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:41 pm

EileenK98 wrote:
Anyone know if there's any fanart for this story? I'd really like to see some of these outfits she describes. (With my luck, the color combinations will burn out my retinas, but I'll take that chance.)

Challenge Accepted.
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 09, 2012 7:18 am

Chapter 25: Freedom! (But not for the reader)

Quote :
An: I didn't brake da rules.

No, you accelerated them instead.


Quote :
Snooki isn't a real person cuz reality TV is fake.

Um...reality TV, anyone? Britain's Got Talent isn't fake.


Quote :
BTW, I am NOT eleven and a half years old.

Good. Because if you were, you'd get the banhammer.


Quote :
Suddenly, someone flew up to the window thing on a broomstick and it was Draco and Barty. They looked twice as sexy and awesome together! They also weren't wearing shirts.

They were also having sex.


Quote :
He splashed the bars with the dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide and they melted epically.

Wait, those bars melt on contact with water? That's what they get for buying from Econo-Save.


Quote :
"Can I have a shirt?" asked Draco, who was shivering masculinely because he was cold.

"NO!" laughed me, Hermione, and Ginny because Draco was SO HOT without a shirt.

And then Draco died of hypothermia.


Quote :
Draco was good with children, so he played with Fanny using his wand.

Where's Chris Hansen when you need him...

Next time on Being Female: they get away sexistly
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:51 am

What happened to their baby? Some parents they are.
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 09, 2012 12:48 pm

Is there any chance at all that this isn't a troll?
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 09, 2012 5:23 pm

Chapter 26, in which they get away sexistly.

Quote :
Me, Hermione, and Ginny

No, Hermione, Ginny and I.


Quote :
"HOW DID YOU GET LOOSE, YOU FEMALE GIRLS!"

As opposed to male girls.


Quote :
shouted that sexist idiot Ron Raper sexistly in a sexist voice because he was sexist.

Fitting he'd use "Female" as an insult. Sexist!Ron count: 109


Quote :
"You're SEXIST!" I yelled awesomely at him because he was sexist in a sexist way!

So, did you yell it in a sexist way, or is he sexist in a sexist way? I'm going to go with the latter. Sexist!Ron count: 112


Quote :
I got out my wand and did a spell at him, but he just laughed sexistly.

Sexist!Ron count: 113


Quote :
Arthur laughed sexistly as he disappeared away from where we were. Everyone gasped at how sexist he was being!

Sexist!Arthur count: 15


Quote :
Then Ginny did a spell that it made so Theodore Nott's skin all fell off and then she put what was left of him on fire. We all laughed as he started to die slowly and painfully. That would teach him for being so SEXIST!

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

Next time on Being Female: Epic Stuff happens! (And I imagine Sunshine is taken into care and adopted by Arthur and moly)
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Thu Aug 09, 2012 10:56 pm

myeerah wrote:
Is there any chance at all that this isn't a troll?

No, but it's so hilarious it's nice to pretend it isn't.
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:24 am

GeorgeUK wrote:
Quote :
"HOW DID YOU GET LOOSE, YOU FEMALE GIRLS!"

As opposed to male girls.

If you'd been here longer, you would have known this would have been the perfect place for a [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:27 am

Chapter 27, in which epic stuff happens.

Quote :
"HOW DARE YOU, YOU LUDICRUS WHORE!" shouted some sexist guy sexistly!

Sexist!Ron count: 115. Because it probably is.


Quote :
All the bad people ran at us for what we did! The girls joined in because they were sluts.

"Slut" seems interchangeable wth "prep" in this.


Quote :
"What are we going to do?" I panicked feministly. I started to cry, but then Barty raised up his wand epically in an epic way!

Some feminist role model she is.


Quote :
"Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee!" he shouted epically.

Another botched shoutout.


Quote :
Suddenly, that ugly slut Molly ran into the room ugilily in an ugly manner!

Slut!moly count: 11


Quote :
She was wearing an ugly barrel so that she wasn't naked.

And I assume this was relatable to people who wear barrels.


Quote :
"Not my barrel, you bitch!" Molly shouted sluttily

FAIL.

Oh, and Slut!moly count: 12


Quote :
We all cheered at them being gone and Narcissa hugged me awesomely for saving the day!

Except it was Barty who saved the day, not our glory hound here.


Chapter 28, in which there's an AWESOME surprise.

Quote :
I started to cry because I felt so lonely when suddenly almost everyone I knew jumped out and said "SURPRISE!"

As they boned young Crystal up the ass.


Quote :
Almost everyone was there, including Draco, Barty, Hermione, Ginny, Narcissa, Sirius, Hagrid, Fanny, Griphook, Lupin, Snape, Bellatrix, Cho Chang, and Winky the House-Elf. Of course, there wasn't anyone there that was sexist!

Well, until the author discovers Barty doesn't look like Robert Pattinson. Although he was played by the tenth doctor.


Quote :
"You're such a strong woman!" sobbed Hermione awesomely. "You never let men do everything for you like someone needing a lobotomy would think!"

Really?

Quote :
I was going to cut the cake, but the knife was a little heavy, so Draco did it for me. My fork was kind of heavy too, so Draco fed me romantically. Everyone went "awwwww!" at how cute it was. Then I was feeling too tired to walk, so Draco awesomely carried me into the living room.



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And then they all took their masks off. They were Ron Raper!

Next time on Being Female: We go through the author's ffnet profile.
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PostSubject: Re: Becoming Female   Mon Aug 13, 2012 3:29 pm

Next time you read any part of this fic, try mentally replacing all adverbs with "boringly".
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Becoming Female
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