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 Criminal masterminds.

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Dixie
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Join date : 2011-08-18
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Criminal masterminds. Empty
PostSubject: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyFri Mar 16, 2012 9:55 am

I've had a look through and I haven't found a thread on hilarious fail in the crime world.

So to start off, from my local rag the Downsmail.

Quote :
POST OFFICE ROBBER CAUGHT WITHIN AN HOUR.

A man who robbed the Grafty Green Post Office, armed with a metal bar, has been jailed for four-and-a-half years.

He'll be out in a year or so with good behaviour.

Quote :
Christopher Williams (20), of Lambeth...

He came down from London for this? Whatever he robbed must have been cancelled out by the price of the petrol he used.

Quote :
During the robbery, a post office worker was hit three times in the face.

Notice it doesn't say whether Williams did it, or whether s/he was unpopular and other Post Office workers just took advantage of the chance.

So the guy robs the Post Office and drives off. A member of the public spots the number plate and takes it down to give to the police. An hour later the car is spotted in Maidstone and the guy is arrested.

Uh, Chris, me old china, the purpose of a getaway car is to, you know, get away? Not to drive a few miles away and wait in the car. There's nothing in the article which says the car was stolen, so this amateur actually seems to have used his own car.

Now for the moment of pure antidote.

Quote :
When the detaining officer told Williams: 'I am detaining you as I suspect you have committed an offence,' Williams responded: 'What robbery?'

Excitedplz

I am only surprised he didn't follow it up with: 'What post office?'

So do you have any amateur Blofelds who's stupidity defies belief?
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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyWed Mar 21, 2012 12:57 pm

I recall hearing on the radio about somebody in Australia who was caught trying to break into a police station.
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Summercorn
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyTue Apr 03, 2012 2:01 am

GeorgeUK wrote:
I recall hearing on the radio about somebody in Australia who was caught trying to break into a police station.

Into? Just... why? Criminal masterminds. 203843

I do remember the government wasting nearly a quarter of a million pounds trying to discover why people want to escape from prison. Rolling Eyes

Well, since I'm the only person who cares Criminal masterminds. 309696

but I still care!

From the Sun (UK):

John, O'Dell, 41, caught by the police after he burgled a flat in North London. He'd stolen a laptop and had driven off. The police followed and he ditched the car to run for it.

Quote :
his low slung jeans fell down and tripped him up. O'Dell burgled a flat but police stopped his car a mile away.


In London this means nothing, the burglary could have happened hours before Traffic in London is now officially slower than it was when there were horses and carts.

Quote :
he jumped out and ran off, but his trousers slid down and he fell

Well, wearing hipsters at the age of 41 is just silly. He's got an 18 month supervision order, whatever that is. You expect more grown-up behaviour from someone of that age.

Quote :
[O'dell] also admitted common assault after biting the hand of a passer-by who helped police.

Criminal masterminds. 724940
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyFri Apr 20, 2012 4:36 am

Summercorn wrote:
So do you have any amateur Blofelds who's stupidity defies belief?
I read it a century ago, but there was a stoy about a guy who ended holding up two banks.
At first he went into Bank A, took a form from the desk and wrote on the back, "Give me all yur $ this is a stickup", then queued patiently for his turn. However, the queue was moving too slowly, so he started to suspect that maybe the surveillance camera had read his note and they were stalling the queue on purpose.
So he leaves the bank, taking his note with him, and crosses the road to Bank B, which has fewer people waiting. He finally manages to get a free teller and hands out the note to the clerk. The clerk figures out this guy musn't be the brightest lighthouse in the harbour and tells him that they're sorry, but they cannot accept the note as it's written on a form from Bank A.
The guy nods and leaves. Minutes later, the cops arrive and arrest him. He had crossed the road and was queueing in Bank A again.
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Dixie
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyFri Apr 20, 2012 6:40 am

I originally picked this story up from the Darwin Awards site back in 2004. I've not been able to find it again on the Darwin site, so I presume it was found to be either untrue, or lacking in excellence. Doesn't matter to me: it's still one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Quote :
This event was related to me by a friend who had been working for the Post Office (as was then) some years ago toward the end of the eighties. He related this as a debriefing session - a counsellor was interviewing three security guards who had been the victims of an attempted robbery, and this was their story.

It is important to note that security vans visiting post offices here in the UK do so primarily to drop off money, not (as is the case with many other stores and services) to collect it. Post Offices used to be the primary collecting point for pensioners to collect their state pensions and for those on welfare payments to collect their cash. As such, more money tends to flow out of them than flows in.

Said security guards were making their rounds in their armoured van fairly uneventfully, one in the back of the van and the other two making the deliveries at every stop. As they emerged from their last call of the day - a small, local post office in a village high street next to a bakery - three men in balaclavas armed with sawn-off shotguns leapt out of a nearby alleyway. Clearly, these guys had done their homework plotting the course of the van and ambushing it on its last port of call.

“Hand over the money!” they demanded, so with a shrug the two security guards handed over the cash bags they were carrying. Did I say these guys had done their homework? Clearly not, as having made their last delivery the bags were in fact empty. Our three desperados were not fooled for long, and realising that the cash bags were empty they made another demand:
“Hand over the cash boxes!”

Now, these cash boxes are designed with robbery in mind, and when relinquished by their owners their defences were triggered - one let off a cloud of orange dye, the other shot steel rods out of its corners to prevent it being secreted anywhere easily - so surprising the would-be armed raider that he dropped it, seriously lacerating his leg.

At this point, two elderly ladies (presumably shopping having just collected their pensions from the post office) emerged from the bakery and showing the defiant spirit that kept the Nazis from our hallowed shores many years ago, began to pelt the shotgun-armed raiders with their weapon of choice and convenience: bread rolls.

Now, while shooting someone (and being shot at) in a desperate gun-battle may add to a criminal’s street-cred, and while carrying through threat of armed force on a victim is par for the course, even our crooked trio, steeped as they were in the depths of underworld culture, found themselves unwilling to blow away two old-age pensioners just for throwing bread at them, and instead decided to seek their ill-gotten gains in the safety of the armoured van. They climbed into the cab and slammed the door shut, satisfied that they had now found the way to their prize.

Wrongly, as it turns out, for even if there had been any cash remaining in the post office van (there wasn’t), it was in the back, and they were in the front, and in the interests of security there was no way betwixt the two inside the van. Reaching this conclusion, our ruthless three sought to exit the van - only to find that, due to foresighted security measures, the doors would not open from the inside without a key - which was still in the hands of the security guards outside.

Relieved at last to be able to demonstrate their macho destructive power, the three pointed their shotguns at the windscreen, determined to blow their way out.

Did I mention this was an armoured van?

Oh yes, it did have bullet-proof glass.

All three suffered serious lacerations from the rebounding pellets, but they did inflict sufficient damage to break the glass to freedom, sliding bloodily over the bonnet of the van and still being pelted by bread rolls, they beat a limping retreat.
The counselling session was intended to help the victims of the raid avoid post-traumatic stress, but the counsellor realized that further sessions would be unnecessary after he asked each of the guards:
“Didn’t you try to apprehend the attackers?”

“No,” they each replied. “We couldn’t stop laughing.”

I would hence like to nominate the three would-be criminals for an Honorary Mention (if they are still alive).

Submitted on 01/27/2004
Submitted by: Kelvin Walker
Reference: Hearsay (but its a good story)
Copyright © 2004 DarwinAwards.com
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Lady Anne
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Age : 47
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyFri Apr 20, 2012 7:57 am

A guy I knew in high school didn't do so well for himself, so he decided to rob a bank. He succeeded, spent the money--and then went back and tried to rob the same bank again.

Now, this is a small town, and the bank also happened to be half a block from the police station. The teller recognized him from the last time he'd robbed the bank, and this time the guy was also greeted by name by a recently hired bank security guard who had gone to high school with him. Despite this, he still pulled a gun and demanded money. The teller gave it to him, then watched him walk out the door--straight into the hands of the waiting cops.
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WD40
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyFri Apr 20, 2012 8:30 am

Summercorn wrote:
So to start off, from my local rag the Downsmail.

Must... resist... non-p.c. joke...
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyMon Apr 23, 2012 8:57 am

WD40 wrote:
Summercorn wrote:
So to start off, from my local rag the Downsmail.

Must... resist... non-p.c. joke...

Shocked

.

.

.

Excitedplz

I've never noticed that! And to think I went to Downs School. Odd thing is, the Downs, (North and South), are mainly in the two Sussex', (East and West), and this rag comes out in Kent. Which as everyone knows has Kentishmen and Men of Kent, depending on whether you're from the Hill or the Weald.

I mean, everyone knows that. Right?

Wink
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WD40
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Criminal masterminds. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyMon Apr 23, 2012 12:28 pm

Summercorn wrote:
WD40 wrote:
Summercorn wrote:
So to start off, from my local rag the Downsmail.

Must... resist... non-p.c. joke...
I've never noticed that! And to think I went to Downs School.

NNNNnnnnngggggg.....
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyMon Apr 23, 2012 3:25 pm

A pretty large portion of Portland is named after some navy captain named "Couch" but pronounced "cootch". Cootch street, cootch park, cootch elementary...
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: Criminal masterminds.   Criminal masterminds. EmptyMon Apr 23, 2012 3:46 pm

Then there was the chap from my hometown who robbed an elderly couple's car from outside their house.

And was seen the next day by their son, driving the stolen car around the town.

WINNING
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