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 I Attack the Demi Darkness!

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Maximilia
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PostSubject: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:08 am

It's been a while since I snarked a fic. Since I'm currently reading the Dresden Files at the moment, I thought this would be a good place to start. I mean, it's not that popular... right? The fics can't be that bad...right?

Well, I found this: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. I haven't read the whole thing (there are 9 chapters), but almost from the first sentence, it gives the lulz.

Right away, it puts Wizard Harry Dresden in mortal danger! Well, in peril! Well, ok, moderately inconvenienced.

Quote :
She was young, seventeen tops, if I was a good judge of , maybe not all that young, but she was by my standards. At that age, she shouldn't have had that much power. Hell, at that age, she shouldn't have had any. Yet, here she was, holding me in a figure of High Magic.

I hope it wasn't a dancing hula girl. I hate being captured in hula girl figures of High Magic!

Harry spends a paragraph then summing up his situation for us after the girl asks him if her circle is good enough. He sort of whines about it, but that's not terribly uncommon for Harry, especially in the older books, at least so far. She then asks for help!

Quote :
"Mr Dresden." she sighed, "I apologize for this. I knew of no other way to reach you though."

"I have an office. I have a phone. I'm in the phone book," I told her dryly.

"I couldn't risk anyone finding out about this meeting," she explained.

Because a phone call is more showy than drawing a circle, putting enough magical power in a circle to capture a wizard, spending time and magical energy or resources learning his true name, and then summoning him. Got it!

Quote :
"Don't you think that might be a little difficult? You coerced me into coming here and broke the Fourth Law of Magic in doing so. The While Council-" I shut my mouth before I coul dig myself into an even deeper hole. I had just told a possibly rouge magic user about the White Council. I sighed. Things were not looking good.

Harry, no! Don't tell a magic user made up with mommy's make up about the White Council! They might enforce a curfew or put her into time out! Seriously, a rouge magic user? Also, the term here would be sorceress if she's not a wizard. But he's only the lead character... no way he'd know that. Pffffft!

So, they basically agree not to hurt each other and she releases the circle, and asks for help. Harry, wise man that he is, says he doesn't even know her name. So she tells him.

Quote :
She nodded. "You're right. I apologize again. My name is Wisteria Harpiai Broadsword."

There's a joke in here about her being a sword broad if she carries a sword, but we don't know that for now. In the meantime, I hope that you will join me for a collective, "Who the FUCK names their kid that?!" Harry, being strangely in character here, wonders the same. BUT! It is NOT her true name! *le gasp!*

Quote :
I felt sorry for her with a name like that. It was a mouthful, make no mistake. I whispered the name, mimicking its exact nuances. But I felt no magic. "Its' fake," I told her.

"To you, perhaps. But it is the name that magic knows me by. So, for me, it's more true than my given name."

"Which is?"

She paused, as if deciding whether or not to tell be. "I'm Yolanda Centura Bloom."

Anyone want to join me for a SECOND round of "Who in the FUCK names their kid that?!" What's wrong with Ann? Or Lucy? Or something nice and simple for once? Also, 'it's the name that magic knows me by'? So, magic is sentient now?

She asks for help from our favorite wizard private eye, and Harry's all like, "Who do you need protecting from?" She says the Red AND White Courts of vampires. Harry's like, "Well, WTF slow down. If I help you..." Oh, let me quote:

Quote :
And if the Council learns that I'm helping a rouge wizard-"

"I'm not a rouge," she interrupted. "Nor am I a wizard. At least, I don't think I am."

Then what the hell are you? Once again, I kept all opinions to myself. And people say I never learn from my mistakes. I heard her say something under her breath, but as to what it was, I had no clue. "Come again?"

"I'm a Demi," she said.

She comes from the Clan of Moore to act in classic 80's films. Seriously, wtf is a 'Demi'? Harry asks this question as well, and he's rewarded with an answer:

Quote :
"A Demi what? God? Demon? Angel?"

"Vampire."

I stopped dead, no longer pacing. I have no shame in admitting that it was the beginnings of being frozen in fear. "A what?" I asked, hoping that I had misheard.

"I'm a Demi-vamp, Mr. Dresden."

Answer hadn't changed. And things were rapidly getting worser by the second.

Indeed! Things ARE getting worser by the second! We'll add grammatical errors to misspellings and the sheer WTFness of a "demi" vampire! Demi what? If she's bitten by a Red Court vampire but hasn't killed yet, she's a Red Court Initiate, I do believe. Or Infected, depending on how you look at it. If she's a White Court vamp who hasn't killed yet? White Court virgin. There's no "demi" in there. At all. Worser and worser indeed!!
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:31 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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So, she's a smelly and nasty person who likes to chop people up.

It fits.
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cristina_chavia
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Fri Feb 10, 2012 3:00 pm

Is it as bad as Changes?

Er, probably. It's a few years old, which explains a few of the oh-so-many references. Not really needed in such a short fic.


And written by a Brit. Warms the cockles of your heart, doesn't it? And she's going on to write Bob drabbles. Bless.

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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:32 am

I had forgotten I started this snark and never finished it! I must fix this error.

Plus, I'm still reading the Dresden Files (and watching Supernatural now if you can't tell from the other snark I posted here not too long ago), so the canon is all still fresh in my mind.

We rejoin Harry and Wisteria where Harry is captured! By the Demi-Vamp! Which we still don't know what the fuck a Demi-Vamp is!

Quote :
"Have you taken blood yet?" I asked, thinking of Susan. If she had, she was likely almost a full-fledged vampire from the Nevernever and was dangerous.
When the fuck did vampires come from the Nevernever, Harry? And considering she has you captured... the magical Suevamp isn't dangerous now?

Quote :
"No. Nor can I," she added. "I'm not that type."

"Then what are you?"

"Ever hear of psychic vampires?"

I nodded, thinking of Thomas and the White Court.

She looked surprised, but recovered. "I'm impressed. Few have. Then you know that I feed off of energy."
Because we totally need to make up a new kind of vampire when there's three types (possibly four!) in canon already! The speshul Sueiness is so supa aweshomes.

We learn that she feeds off a strict code of conduct.

Quote :
"I feed under a strict code of conduct though. I skim extra energy off of the surface of people and only when their auras are big enough for me to see without Sight."
*scratches head* Auras are invisible. They will never be big enough to see without magic...oh never mind.

Quote :
"What else do you do?"

She shrugged. "I project [the energy] to make me seem less than I am. I use it to heal. Some of it goes towards my own shields and wardings."

"Like in this room?" She nodded, then looked at me hopefully. "Mr. Dresden, please. WIll you help keep me safe until I can find a place to live in safety?"
You just summoned a wizard out of nowhere into a circle he can't break and you need his help?

So, Harry agrees to help her because she's a woman (this is actually pretty canon there, which is why fanbrats love Harry Dresden). He asks something...

Quote :
"Would a promise be too much to ask?"

"Depends on the promise," she retorted.

Hells bells, this girl was good.
Yes! Common sense in asking what the promise is means she's got MAD SKILLZ YO!

Quote :
She laughed. It was very musical sounding, like water flowing over rocks in a stream.
The brook behind my house sounds like a piano.

Quote :
She estinguished most of the candles and when she disappeared into the shadows, I cringed for a moment. If she was going to go turn on the lights...As a wizard, electornics and me don't get along. As soon as I enter a room, a light will burn out. Fans will suddenly cease to work. Cars will sputter and die the moment I got near them. Anything made after the 60s hates me.
I wince here, because again, this is canon (the part about the electronics anything pre-60's), but Jesus Christ, lightbulbs were invented in 1879! They are pretty safe from a wizard's hex, and Harry would fucking know that.

So anyway, they go to leave, and he examines her in more detail. It's actually... kind of sad that I was expecting a more in depth "she was hot" speech since it IS a Dresden book, but it's strangely to the point. He asks why she's using a kerosene lamp, and she replies:

Quote :
Light hurts me eyse. It's part of being Demi. But this is dim enough so that I can see without pain.
Fonzie, in his earlier days before he learned to control his cool, his eys were also hampered by the light.

She asks where they are going, because her stronghold of wards and whatnot in the place is COMPLETELY NOT SAFE.

Quote :
I thought about that for a moment. The safest place would be my tiny apartment. But that was my safe haven. And, as formentioned, timy. It had a kitchen with a stove and an icebox that still ran on ice.
He had air conditioning that ran on air too, and a water fall that ran on water!

Quote :
The ride was silent, but otherwise uneventful as I drove through the streets of late night Chicago to reach my flat.
Ah! I detect a Britishism here! Hehe.

It's not... it's maybe not the most horrible thing ever, but it's just so damn eerie how the author gets certain things right, and other things SO far off. And why make a new type of vampire? The four or so in canon isn't good enough? And how in the FUCK did she summon a wizard bodily through his own wards and protections against his will? Just... the stupid, it buuuuuuuuurns!

More to come!
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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:53 am

Chapter 3!

This is actually going to be relatively short because there's not that much lulz here to be had. There are a few though.

They go back to Harry's place, and he describes it in detail, and offers to take the couch. And she's all like, "Nu, I can take the couch, I r college student."

Quote :
"College?" I asked, surprised. "What major?"

She shrugged. "Undecided right now. But I'm leaning towards languages."

I nodded, thoughtful. "Good choice. Useful if you're going to learn more magic." She looked at me without meeting my eyes. Confusion played across her features as she tried to discern meaning from my words.
"Words good for the sparklies," Harry said in response, trying to use the least amount of syllables possible.

She goes to take a shower, and Harry goes down to confer with Bob. Bob, for those not in the know, is an air elemental which is bound to a skull. He acts as Harry's teacher, in part, and advisor.

Quote :
"What can you tell me about Psychic Vampires?"

"Have you run afoul of a member of the White Court?"

"Why is it that when I ask for information you automatically assume I'm in trouble?" I asked him.

"Because you generally are," he responded. "So did you?"

"No, I didn't," I shot back. "It's for a case." He looked at me expectently. "That's all the information you're getting."

"Fine. Feed off energy. Need energy to live. The end."

"That's it?"

"Those are the basics. Everything else is just decoration."

"What if they were a Demi Psychic Vampire?" I asked him.

"Bad news. They don't have the control a member of the White Court would have. Why are you needing to know all this?"
What "all this"? There's like NO information there, Bob!

I'm also amused that the narrative keeps trying to reject the notion of the "demi" vampire too. The narrative itself keeps asking, "No, really, are you a White Court vampire? Because srsly, demi vampires suck."

Quote :
"If you're dealing with a Demi," he told me, suddenly very serious, "be careful. They're unpredictable at best, dangerous at worst. And it all depends on what the other half of them is. If it's mortal, then you're pretty safe. If it's something else..." Bob trailed off, not bothing to finish.
OH! I get it! She's a half-vampire! Good lord. I bet the other half turns out to be dragon.

So, Harry goes back upstairs and she's done with the shower. He gives her his mother's silver bracelet for protection, and they chit chat.

Quote :
She rose and walked over to the door leading to the bedroom. "It's more than some people would do, Mr. Dresden. Especially after they found out what I am." I heard the hurt in her voice and caught a glimpse of it on her face before the door closed on it.

I had to wonder what could cause that kind of pain when she was still so young.


OH THE TRAGEDY! She's twenty-ish years old and has suffered SO much! Having both of your parents die young, being betrayed by your mentor who tried to mind control and then kill you, face an

Spoiler:
 

and barely surviving, then being under the Doom of Damocles where one mistake will get you kill by guys who are supposedly on your side is NOTHING compared to her angst! Nothing, I tell you!

They both go to sleep and that's it! What a scintillating chapter! I was riveted, by god! I wonder what non-action will happen next? Perhaps they will go shopping! Or investigating! It's about time for another canon character to drop in and shit all over themselves about how HURT and LOST and PRETTY yet POWERFUL she is. I'm betting Thomas. Maybe Murph, but I bet it's Thomas.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:00 am

Man, I really ought to pick up some more Dresden books.

But yeah also half vampire wtf.
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rae
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PostSubject: Re: I Attack the Demi Darkness!   Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:59 pm

I didn't think the White Council was exactly a huge secret in the supernatural world, what with being the heavies keeping all the 'little folks' in line. I don't know why that part bugged me the most, but there it is.

I'm going to continue to believe that in the next chapter, Bob laughs his bony ass off and admits the kid is both bonkers and some flavor of fae.
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