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 Assassin Amy Rose

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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Assassin Amy Rose   Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:58 pm

Okay. Wanna see something turd-tastic? It's really, really bad. And it's Sonic, because I do Sonic.

And I'm gonna start with the first chapter, which positively RAPES my logic senses. In fact, the first chapter probably does it worse than any of the other chapters, even put together. Logic in the Sonic-verse is pretty bendy thanks to the Chaos Emeralds. But this story doesn't even bother with those.

Also, after my non-gushing (but still civil) review the writer PMed me back like a moronic twat. So she's gonna catch it as well as the story.

Assassin Amy Rose

Quote :
one day there was a girl on the floor she was about 1 years old she was on the streets and then one simple morning a husband and wife had walked past Amy's spot and they had heard a soft moan and then they had went to find out where the noise was coming from but the only thing that they had saw a little bundle of fur and then the wife had went to pick up the little girl of the floor and when she had went to touch the little girl and she had uncurled and then looked up at the woman and then sat up and saw a man there as well.

See those run-on sentances and the ruthlessly murdered syntax? Better get used to them, because the ENTIRE STORY is like this. See the punctuation or the capital letters? No, because there are none - wait, there ARE... it's just never where it needs to be.

See the words "ONE YEAR OLD". That's what we're picking on this chapter (mostly) because it will rattle your brain painfully...

Quote :
"What is it that you want do you want to steal from me people" says the little girl

"No we heard a noise while we were walking past and we came to check it out and noticed you here" says the woman

Wait, what? A one-year old baby not only can speak full English but can ask questions (as long as you don't use question marks), and is afraid of something being stolen from her? And of engaging in meaningful conversation about something other than candy? You bet your ASS she can, because this is BADFIC!

Quote :
"All right but what is your name madam" says the little girl

"Well my name Lilith and my husband is called Lucifer and what may your name be dear" says Lilith

"Well I had to decide my own name I like Amy miss Lilith" says Amy

Holy crap, she can choose her own name! You caught that, right? Not Lilith and Lucifer (subtle, real subtle...) calling her Amy, but she calls herself Amy! Okay, I'm gonna stop getting at that part now because there's other logic-fucking shit to get at.

Quote :
"Well little Amy would you like to come live with us and become one of us and do the same job as us" says Lilith

"And what is it that you both do miss Lilith" says Amy

"well we are not just ordinary people we have very special powers like nothing you have ever seen and we are assassins we kill people for money and it is a job for us and we have never been caught before in our entire life and we live in a castle would you like to live there and become one of us" says Lilith

"Yes please make me one of you" says Amy

"We're assassins. We're the BEST because we've never been caught. We live in a castle. And I extend this offer to every baby I see in the street. Want to murder people for money?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Actually... YES! I could brainwash you into doing it as my baby and that would make a lot more sense, but you have a choice. And wait, you chose as a one-year-old-baby to murder people for money as your life-carreer. Something's a little off there..."

Quote :
so then Lucifer had left the place and went on the mission and then Amy and Lilith had both started to walk and then they arrived at the spa and then Lilith had made Amy have a bath and then Amy had her hair done which she had gotten her hair straight and then when her hair is dried she had gotten black red and blue colors in her hair as highlights and they all go together with the color pink and then when that is done. Amy had gone to see her new mother and then Lilith smiled at her and paid the worker the money for the job that was done.

then they left the store then started to walk down the street to the piercing parlor shop they had went inside and then started to walk to the worker and sorted out what they would like to get done and then the worker had made Amy walk with him and then he had lifted Amy up and then he had started on the ears and marked about five on each side of Amy's ears and then he started to pierce the earrings inside the ears and then she was holding her eyes closed and then when it was over she had opened her eyes and then he had done the same thing on the eyebrows but one on both side then that was done so he then made Amy open her mouth and pull her tongue out and he had done the same and then he did the same with the belly button and her pussy with one piercing then also the nose as well.

then they had finished and they walked back to the front and Lilith had seen what had been done and she was proud and then the worker and Lilith had been talking about how long it would take until the holes will be able to set in and it was about a whole year and the Lilith had paid for it and then they had went out of the store and then walked to the tattoo parlor and Amy had gotten a black rose and a skull on both sides of the chest the skull on the right and the black rose on the left side and then they left the store and then they finally had gotten to the clothing shop.

so then Amy had went to try on a lot of sexy clothing that would catch people eyes and then when they were done with that they had went to the shoe store and they had spent an hour in there for a whole lot of shoes and they were get some sexy ones that would match the outfits that she had been getting. Then Lilith and Amy had went to the makeup store and bought a whole lot of makeup that suites Amy's beautiful skin.

You get all that? The one year old baby just went out to the spa and got Amy's hair dyed, and then they got her slapper clothes, and then... then they got her multiple piercings in her ears, eyebrows, tongue, tummy and nose... and then they got her a tattoo?! And the shoes and makeup?

JESUS CHRIST. The author's really trying to hurry this one along. And as for logic... well, logic's currently crying naked on the bed, wrists and ankles tied down.

Quote :
So then they walked out of the store after they paid for the items that they wanted to get. then outside the store a limo had came to the front of the shop and then the butler had came out of the car and opened the boot and then walked over to were Amy was and then grabbed the bags out of her hands and then they are put in to the car boot and then closed the boot and then he opened the car door so that Lilith and could climb inside the limo. were Amy sat next to the window and then suddenly feel asleep on the seat and then when she had woken up she was in a bed in a fence room with a bed and stuff that is in a bedroom and then there was a knock on the door and then Amy looked at the door and then the door opened and then in came Lilith and Lucifer.

"Hello Amy dear it is morning now it is time to start your training now" says Lucifer

Yes, the author has NOT forgotten it's a baby, because she's in one of those baby cages. But she's still about to start assassin training.

But you apparently can't train a baby even after she's displayed the afinity for being some kind of super-baby... first there's something else that has to happen to logic...

Logic: OH GOD! OH GOD! I'M SORRY! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!

Shut up, Logic. You're currently this author's bitch.

Quote :
then Lilith and Lucifer had taken Amy down to the basement where there is a machine that can change a person into a grand ultimate life form so then Amy and Lilith had walked towards the door of the machine and Lilith had opened it wide so Amy could go inside and then when she was Lilith had closed it and then Lucifer had started the machine in there and then suddenly they heard screaming inside the machine. Which had lasted for quite a while then they had stopped and then so did the machine and then suddenly Amy had came out of the room and she looked about 18 when she is about 1 years old and then tomorrow would be her birthday.

Get that? Get that? This couple has a machine that turns babies into adults. Possibly playing on how Amy once wished to be older in the comics or something, but better excused as being total bullshit so that a baby can for no reason look 18.

Quote :
They had trained all day yesterday and it was now Amy's birthday and she looked the same way as she had done yesterday and she was happy that it all had happened to her. Then her mother and father had came into the room and then they had looked at Amy and they had smiled at how she had looked and then they had hugged her and then they had went down to get some breakfast and then they had continued to train and then they had decided that Amy is going to be 18 years old.

"Yes, I'm happy that I've been stripped of my childhood for the sole purpose of looking sexy to my new foster parents! Also, I don't know how to read or write just yet..."

Quote :
18 years later

Amy is an assassin who goes for someone that is her target and they do not know it until they are dead and her parents have gone they are dead. So she lives by herself inside the home that she had grown up in to. She was to mean to have a person killed. Who had killed her parents and it was no ordinary person it was tails the fox. So Amy had been training hard and then now it was time for her to get revenge but her boss always calls her you for a killing to be done.

Ah, a time skip. Also Amy's adopted parents never appear again. So... is Amy now 32? Or has she, in being turned into some sort of Grans Ultimate Lifeform, been frozen at 18 for 18 years? I'm going to choose the latter, since it makes less sense but now she's legal and sexy at the same time.

And now Amy is the best assassin ever. We know, because we've been told so. She can kill anybody. And she's trained hard; we know because we were told so. And - WAIT WHAT TAILS KILLED HER PARENTS?!

Tails. Yes, THAT Tails. Why? How? How old is he? Canon says he's 8. How old was he then to have done it? How old are his friends? How could he-

Wait, maybe she's talking about her adopted parents. In which case Tails killed two assassins, and that's something of a hitch to killing people for money; your life is always on the line - ah, FUCK this, I'm just gonna run with saying that the author's a pillock and hates Tails.

Quote :
"Hello Amy I have a job for you now and it is not going to be okay I need you to kill the king but he is being guarded by the royal knights" says bobby

"What who are the royal guards then bobby" says Amy

"Well it is sonic the hedgehog and his gang and there is also a twist there is also someone that had killed your mother and father dear" says bobby

Hmmm. Amy has to kill the king (who alternates between the king and the mayor in later chapters). Why? Amy wouldn't care but we do. But logic and grammar failing in their frenzied attempt to survive this thorough ass-raping, let's get on with it.

Quote :
"what the hell he is letting a murderer protect him I am going to kill the king and kill tails for killing my parents and no one will stop me even if I have to kill every one there" says Amy

"hold on Amy and calm down now listen and do the job a professional al right now do not let the hatred get the better of you" says bobby

"All right bobby I will not so were, how, when bobby" says Amy

Amy's not being very professional... Normally the first question is "How much?" You know, like everybody who sells their soul for money. Not that she asks that until AFTER the job is done. But she sure calmed down fast. If I was bobby I'd be suspicious.

Quote :
"well he will be out on the streets and he will be in the stands watching or joining in, how is that I want you to use a insult riffle from a far so that no one will be able to notice you and to be able to know when he will be there is at 2pm all right just don't get caught my dear" says bobby

"All right bobby I will do that then bye and I will be there just watch the news all right" says Amy

End chapter. You want an insult rifle? I got one here - *BLAM* ASSWAD.

But holy SHIT this was awful. It makes the same mistakes over and over and OVER again. Spelling and grammar are raped up the arse right next to logic and pacing. There's no description of anything happening, it's all something we're being told, and on top of everything it happens in the worst possible tense for writing a story in - present progressive.

The Author's pretty damn snobby too. This was my review:
Quote :


This story has so many things wrong with it that I don't know where to begin. And it's not just the lack of punctuation. First, everybody is TOTALLY out of character. If you ripped off a movie, you sure put everybody in the wrong parts.

Second, you have no description; you say what's happening and that's it.

Thirdly you have no pacing; the punctuation fail doesn't help but even so everything feels like it happens at a run.

Fourthly, besides the names you clearly haven't even tried to link this story to Sonic the Hedgehog, universe or personality-wise. It's not fanfiction.

I read your profile. And I too love to write but you cannot just shoehorn two characters into an alternate universe, totally alter their characters, call them Shadow and Amy and pretend it's still a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic. I honestly can't think of a single good thing to say about this story.

I'm just saying that this story is not, at least by your current standard of writing, something that can be improved so stop writing it now.

I could get a lot nastier than this. I could even say stuff about how you will never be a writer. But I don't believe that; anybody can have quality writing skills; it just takes more effort than you currently put into ANY of your work.

This is her replying via a PM:

Quote :
if you do not bloody like my story's well do not bloody read them right leave me alone it has been a while since i have been on here all right and it is my choice about the way i right my characters they may not be from sonic all right so leave it

So she doesn't write in PM any better than she does in her story. Also she can't use apostrophies. She says she hasn't been on in a while but the story was published in November and updated in December, and she spotted my review pretty sharpish too. And catch that line...

"They may not be from Sonic"

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have been confused. You know, by the way you called the main characters all after Sonic characters, and they look like them, and it's in the Sonic tag... but they're not actually Sonic characters? "My characters". By god she's arrogant. I really had to bite back from saying that she hasn't written fanfiction; she's written Cookie Cutter fic and shoehorned the names of some Sonic characters in, and when a reader comes along and complains about it (note, she didn't even mention AU in the summary) they can bugger off. Honey, you posted your shit on FF.net for the world to see, you specifically say you put it up for all to see; ergo that makes your content my bitch. If you don't like it, here's a great big FUCK YOU to chew on, miss Godmother and Auntie.

Oh yeah, and there are currently eight other chapters to go, and they're ALL bad. But I can't stand doing any more right now... If somebody else wants to, they're welcome to take my place...
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:37 pm

Quote :
I honestly can't think of a single good thing to say about this story.

I'm just saying that this story is not, at least by your current standard of writing, something that can be improved so stop writing it now.

I could get a lot nastier than this. I could even say stuff about how you will never be a writer. But I don't believe that; anybody can have quality writing skills; it just takes more effort than you currently put into ANY of your work.

Wow Harlz, I can't imagine why she would get "snobby" with you in PM. NOT AT ALL.

ps 18 x 2 is 36 and also STOP WITH THE RAPE JOKES PLEASE


Last edited by Cyberwulf on Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:54 pm

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

The Author's pretty damn snobby too. This was my review:
Quote :


This story has so many things wrong with it that I don't know where to begin. And it's not just the lack of punctuation. First, everybody is TOTALLY out of character. If you ripped off a movie, you sure put everybody in the wrong parts.

Second, you have no description; you say what's happening and that's it.

Thirdly you have no pacing; the punctuation fail doesn't help but even so everything feels like it happens at a run.

Fourthly, besides the names you clearly haven't even tried to link this story to Sonic the Hedgehog, universe or personality-wise. It's not fanfiction.

I read your profile. And I too love to write but you cannot just shoehorn two characters into an alternate universe, totally alter their characters, call them Shadow and Amy and pretend it's still a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic. I honestly can't think of a single good thing to say about this story.

I'm just saying that this story is not, at least by your current standard of writing, something that can be improved so stop writing it now.

I could get a lot nastier than this. I could even say stuff about how you will never be a writer. But I don't believe that; anybody can have quality writing skills; it just takes more effort than you currently put into ANY of your work.

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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:49 am

Okay, so I'm getting picked on now for... what, exactly? Using the forum for its original purpose?

Also, Asylum... are you trying to be funny? That wasn't funny.
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Quijotesca
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:16 am

I'm getting serious "legolas by laura" vibes and want to believe this is a trollfic.
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:36 am

Quijotesca wrote:
I'm getting serious "legolas by laura" vibes and want to believe this is a trollfic.
You can relax, I'm pretty sure it is. Especially after looking at the author's Beta Reader's profile.

Quote :
Beta Bio:

i check each and every sorry that i might recieve and i will check for spelling mistakes, commerce, charicteristics and the ideals as well and i will also make sure that everything that is the story is about i will make sure that it will be excalent so people will enjoy the story that they will read. it will make it better for the artist who had created the story to get it check and to make sure that the story is all right

My Strengths:

it is to spot the wrong words that is spelt wrong or if there is not meant to be something in the sentance and to make it better and to get the discriptive of something that is in the story to make it better for the artist who had created the story which had been sent for it to be checked out and it is able to make sure that it is all right and there is nothing wrong at all.

Still, I had a laugh reading this.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:18 pm

I would have thought it was Trollfic too, if the author hadn't been quite so indiginant at my bad review.

Plus it's 9 chapters long.

That's a lot of time wasted on a Trollfic when you could be doing something more useful, like blending Smurfs.
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:19 pm

Trust me, I've wasted far more time writing trollfics. Colbert
And I guess that's why most of my reviewers think they're serious.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Assassin Amy Rose   Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:46 pm

Hmmm. Being a Trollfic doesn't mean it's good though.

How do you tell the difference anyway?
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