Whilst browsing the Google results for Daniel Radcliffe Fanfiction, I stumbled upon this little gem. This link takes you to the pages of IceandHarryPotter. Along with such morsels of joy as ‘Which Harry Potter element do you have?’
(Me, I’ve got his electrum. If he wants it back, he’s gonna have to ask nicely. (Or just
Accio it. Whichever.)
And the frankly perplexing, ‘What Daniel Radcliffe expression are you?’
(I’m Daniel Radcliffe’s post expression. I’m hoping that if I hold on to it long enough, it’ll become early Radcliffe Dadaism, segue gently into Arts, both Deco and Nouveau and finally become a sort of early Modernist Radcliffe. Then I can sell it on Ebay. Make a killing.)
We bring ourselves to the two part fan-fic ‘Slaughter’. For those of you who want a direct link to the story:-
Here you go.
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- hope you guys like it! Message me and I will continue!
Threats so early on.
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- Dan still couldn't quite figure out why he hadn't already told Zelda he had feelings for her. There was something about her that made it hard to release the truth. Perhaps it was the fact that he thought Zelda would think she was too good for him. Zelda was a sword-fighter, and Dan was not.
No he was not. Dan was an international movie star who had been brutally kidnapped and forced to take part in a fan fiction. Weep for Dan.
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- Or maybe she was too punctual, too sad, too angry... Or maybe even...Sad, depressed and lonely.
Punctual? Dan can’t say ‘I love you’ to a girl who shows up on time? Perhaps Zelda is too sad, mad and dangerous to know. Or has SAD. But sad is there. Oh yes.
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- From what he was told and from what he had experienced that day, Dan thought, once again, of how his childhood had been, and how it became so much better when he came across Zelda on that summer's day.........
Everybody wobble, for we are going into a flashback…
back… back...Zelda and her mom and dad are in the car, just driving back from a trip to granny, when the car gets a puncture. Or as it arrives in the fiction:
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- *pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft*
I haven’t much notion of the fandom, but from My Inner Life, got the feeling this HyRule stuff was kinda Medieval. So are cars usual? It seems incongruous with the rest of the story. He dad gets out to fix the car and asks for a screwdriver.
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- Zelda hopped out of the car happily and handed her father the screwdriver, who instantly snatched it from her hand and pushed her over.
Zelda rolled down the long, grassy and wet hill as her father ran to the car and killed her mother and two brothers.
Wow, that was random. Farewell Zelda's mother and two brothers, we hardly knew you. In fact the first mention of the two brothers comes as they are killed. Our first abusive father in this story. This guy seriously freaks out at a flat tyre. Wonder what he’s like when his big end’s gone?
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- Nearly seconds later, her father had been running down the hill towards her, the screwdriver tight in his hands....He was going to kill her too.
Nearly seconds? That’s hellishly fast work for killing three people with a screwdriver. A bit of wangst later, Zelda is stabbed in the arm and faints. The possession of the author subsiding, Daddy comes round and realises his day is somewhat ruined.
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- Her father stood in silence for a very long time. What had he done?? He had killed his family for no reason, and he would be caught and sent to jail.
His masterful plan for this is to drive away in a car full of corpses, take them off and bury them somewhere and to drop his daughter down a well. We hear that she falls down the well for 'many minutes', but for all that, lands gently on soft, dry earth. This place has it’s own physics and a serious case of ‘bad place to dig a well’. There’s no water table, even thousands of feet down.
And Daniel Radcliffe, hereafter described as Pod-Dan, turns up. Aged ten, which makes even less sense than including him in the first place. I thought the way his introduction was written meant he’d had a vision of Zelda, but apparently he and his father turned up at the well by chance. He finds Zelda and they get her out of the bottomless, waterless well. How? It never comes up.
Oh, by the way, were you missing the cruel, abusive father now he’s left with the ex-wife and kids?
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- "I said no!!" His dad shouted as his hand was raised and slapped the young boy across the face.
This young boy,Dan, fell to the ground and his dad picked up the young girl and left him lying there.
There, Pod-Dan’s father is abusive too. Or, since he only slaps Pod-Dan and doesn’t rummage in the toolbox and turn him to Pod-Dan pate with a wrench, maybe he’s this universe’s Dad of the Year.
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- 'Lying there....' Dan thought heavily...
He’s concussed. No way would the thought ‘lying there’ occur to anyone not addled.
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- Dan! I Love You!
Oooh, poor Dan!
Indeed. I love it when the jokes write themselves.
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- Message me if you liked it, and I'll post the next chapter!!
They did. She did. Oh the unmerciful fates.