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 Last Airbender's Girl-band!

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TheIan
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PostSubject: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Sun Nov 13, 2011 5:18 pm

Dear zutara chicka;

Of all the stories in the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom I could have snarked, I found yours, The Song to be the choicest piece of grade-A teen wangst crap yet. I mean, let's face it, as far as plots go, Katara, Suki, Yue and Toph forming an all-girls band could be for the most part an interesting development, but the way you handle it makes it cliche and, well, just terrible.

Let's face it, when you start your story off with Evanescence, you're showing us just how unoriginal you really are. Your first chapter alone is just this:
Quote :
" Hurry up Katara " yelled Suki the bands bass player " ok ,okay ...sorry guys I was just finshing up a song ! " said Katara in a happy tone

" Ok then give us the notes and we can start" said Toph the bands drummest

"Ok here it is ," Katara said as she handed them the notes

"it's called 'EverbodysFool' its for Jet" Katara said with a devious smile. "Well let's start !" Yue said as she walked over to the keyboard

' perfect by nature'

' icons of self indulgence'

'just what we all need'

' more lies when your pretending'

' never was and never will be'

' have you no shame? don't you

see me'

'you know you got everybody fooled'

' look here she comes now '

'bow down and stare in wonder'

' oh how we love you'

' no flaws when you pretending '

' without the mask '

' where will you hide?'

' can't find yourself '

'lost in your lie '

2x ' i know the truth now'

'i know who you are'

' and i dont love you anymore'

' you dont know how you betrayed me'

and somehow you got everyody fooled'

" " Wow nice song kat that will totally crush him!" Suki said in a excited voice "Thanks now i can't wait for him to hear it !" Katara said with a devious smile
An entire song, some dialogue and no action. If you really, really, really want to be a writer, you need more than a pretentious conversation and ripping-off of bad teen-wangst bands!

Your next chapter, I will admit, does not offend everyone with copy-pasted crap. However, you could really do a lot better.
Quote :
"Hi Katara miss me ?" Jet asked as Katara closed her locker " Leave me alone Jet!" she said in a rough voice.

" No I don't think so." he said in a suductive voice

" I said leave me alone !" yelled Katara as she punched him square in the mouth " Your gonna regret that " he said in a warning voice as he walked off into crowd
Notice anything missing, author? Anything possibly off about this start of the second chapter? No? I'll tell you. You spelled "seductive" wrong! Oh, and periods are missing. A lot of them. Practically all of them, in fact.

And almost as if you want to just piss off your audience, you leave an entire line unfinished.
Quote :
"Mr. Mizu !"..." My class is not for sleeping now get up anddo your report !" yelled
Who's yelling? What's going on? What is so important in this scene you had to include it?

Your entire negligence of common English grammar and spelling is, to say the least, staggering. When you write, you're supposed to make sentences coherent.

Review so far: Coherent sentences=good writing. Incoherent, uninteresting sentences=bad writing.

And then you decide to have Katara throw a tantrum for being put in detention because... missing a night of band practice is so important...?
Quote :
"What! I can't have detention, I have band practice after school !" she yelled with a ferious look on her face. "Well thats to bad you should have thought about that before you yelled at me " said ina serious tone. " Jack ass mother fucker dats bullshit of a lie." she muttered under her breath as she slumped down in her chair wating for this class of hell to get over with.
....How long have you actually been in high school, author?

You're honestly trying, I just know it, to give everyone reading this an aneurysm. Because there is no way you can go this far into your own story and forget the Enter Key!
Quote :
" Whats up guys ?" said Katara as she sat down next to her brother and Toph " Nun much just talking about that song you wrote what about you?" " Oh nun much just got detention again by yelling at that stupid jackass , so now band practice is an hour later than usuall." she said in a pissed tone of voice as she tyook a bite out of her burger. " Again , what is that like the 7th time you got detention by him ?" asked her brother in annoyed toone of voice . "No the 12th " Katara muttered as she took a sip of her water as her brother pretended to choke on a fry. " What dad is already pissed at you for getting detention like 7 times but what do you think he'll do when he finds out that it's 12?" Sokka asked ,almost yelled. But before she could answer everyone turned to wher everyone was yelling 'fight'.

This is some of the most pretentious pre-teen dialogue I've ever read! And when I'm NOT gouging my eyes out at the unholy mess of this text-wall, I'm getting a migraine trying to figure out how "nothing" is shortened to "nun"! If you are failing English in school, there's something wrong with you!

So far, your first chapter uses a preteen band for exposition, you use shitty grammar and spelling for actual writing, I dare not ask what you do for an encore...

Of course, you bullshit your audience with some even more crappy dialogue between Zuko and Katara.
Quote :
"Thanks for standing up for me "

" no problem "

"What was that fight in the cafateria about?" she asked in a caring voice

"A bou you because he called you some things and I couln'tkust sit there and let him call you that, I mean you are my ex-best friends sister ."Zuko said in a shy tone of voice as he rubbed the back of his neck .

" Oh thanks for standing up for me again " she said with a smile on her face

" No prob." he said n a shy tone
"ex-best friend's sister", author. That alone tells us nothing about Zuko. It implies he and Sokka were friends at one point, but do you add to it any or explain why they stopped being friends? Of course you don't! You never will because you never thought of this out when you started writing!

This story sucks, author! Everything about it is generic, pretentious pre-teen bullshit with more lack of depth than the DemoMan! If this is truly the best you can do, then I daresay you are not yet ready to write properly.

Sincerely;

Ian of Why, God, Why
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Howithurts
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PostSubject: Re: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Sun Nov 13, 2011 6:44 pm

Both times she mentions the teacher, she doesn't say his/her/both/its name.

Based off of this staggering research, I call trollfic.
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Reidmar
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PostSubject: Re: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:28 pm

Colbert Sure is obvious troll.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Mon Nov 14, 2011 3:22 am

HAND CANNON.

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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:59 pm

Knorg wrote:
HAND CANNON.

Oh for fuck's sake, Knorg, what the hell are you doing out of the museum! You're supposed to be on exhibit, you fossil!
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Last Airbender's Girl-band!   Thu Nov 17, 2011 11:44 pm

Museum? Sweet child, this piece of art belongs in the Louvre!
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