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 A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE

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TheIan
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PostSubject: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:18 pm

Oh boy, have I got stinker!

Now, I've practically given up on the Naruto anime, and settled on the manga. The story is good, the action is fun, the characters are likable, all around, I love it. Naruto has ninjas. Ninjas are automatically awesome (Pirates are awesome too, but I'm not here to talk about One Piece).

Then there's Final Fantasy VII. It's a decent game. It's one of those games that revolutionized the way games are seen nowadays. There's a deep plot, human characters with emotions and obstacles they have to overcome, vast amounts of symbolism and underlying themes, it's no wonder the game was milked.

And then there's today's story, Konohagakure's Unlikely Alliance, a tale of outright disappointment that would rather tell the story of a Sue more than anything else. In case you're wondering, it's a full-blown 63 chapters. And no, I don't think I want to sit through 63 chapters. I like my head unexploded, thanks. Complete with a prolog and Sue biography.

And by prolog, I mean the author doesn't take a stance supporting the politics of a log (or Republicans but is there really a difference?) but rather setting up the story for what's to come. With a whole six sentences.
Quote :
Twelve years ago, two nine tailed foxes suddenly appeared. It's tailed lashed out, smashing moutains and created tidal waves. A band of ninja's rose to defend their village from the attack. One great ninja was able to imprision the monsters, but died in the process. This ninja was known as the Fouth Hokage. This is the story of his living legacies.
Last time I checked, author, there was only one Nine-Tailed Fox demon, not two. According to Naruto mythos, the Nine Tailed Beasts were fragments of a Ten-Tailed Demon the Sage of Six Paths had sealed in himself as a Jinchuuriki. So how or why there's two Nine-Tailed Fox Demons, author, I'm going to just assume you can't count.

The next chapter is a bio for the Sue.
Quote :
HI, this is my first time doing finfiction,so please bear with me if my story isn't all that great. NO flames are allowed,please. Instead, just tell me what I can do to make it better. Reviews are a given so fell free to tell me how the story is.
Just the author's note alone should be enough to demonstrate the uphill battle I'm going to have.

Here's the point of the bio that I can't seem to fathom...
Quote :
Kekkei Genkai: Kamigan: enables to copy any justu including other Kekkei Genkai
Oh get bent, author.

Kamigan in the Sue-thor's sense means Sparkle-Eye. I have a problem with this because this Bloodline Limit doesn't exist in Naruto canon! What is your problem, Suethor?! Just how far into Naruto are you? There are only three, count them Sue-thor, three known canon Dojutsu: Sharingan for the Uchiha family, Byakugan for the Hyuuga family, and the Rinnegan, unique to only the Sage of Six Paths and Nagato, who are both dead. Neither Minato nor Kushina ever had this kind of Bloodline Limit! So how did you inherit this?

Christ's balls of fire, not even through this second "chapter" and I'm ranting already.

Sue's got a back-story and everything.
Quote :
Back when war struck out, The Fourth Hokage found her when she only two years old. Having no idea who she was or where she came from, she was taken in by him and his wife.

After getting a name and a family, she was enrolled into the Academy to become a ninja. At the age of six, she graduated along with Kakashi Hatake to become Genin. At age seven, they both became Chunin and fought in the war.
Oh, fuck you, Sue-thor. Now you're not even trying.
So you're telling us you're not a blood relative, but adopted? On one hand, that explains your Sparkle-Eye. On the other hand, that doesn't excuse you being on the genius level of Kakashi.

She's a big-shot ninja, she had one of the two Nine-Tailed Fox demons sealed in her, she looks after Naruto, blah blah blah...
Quote :
Life wasn't so glamorus for them since they were Jinchuriki,but they made the best of it with the few friends that they had. And with their Godmother, Yuri, life was full of excitement.

About Yuri:

Yuri was Jiraiya's cousin. And like him, she was famous.
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Jiraiya's cousin! Why, Sue-thor? Why are you making this just so much harder for me?

So the Sue gets a mission from the Hokage, and we get the generic display of Fan-Japanese that's be expected.
Quote :
Back to the story:

Mikomi opened the door to the Hogake's office. Inside, she saw the Third Hokage at his desk doing paper work. He looked up from his work when he heard her come in.

"Ah, come in".

She nodded and stepped inside, standing in front of his desk.

"Konichi wa, Hokage-sama" she greeted happily. Sarutobi smiled in return.
Little does she know, the Hokage only called her in because it's time for his sponge-bath.

Obviously, the Sue accepts the mission with some more Fan-Japanese, and then an author's note.

And now we finally reach the actual first chapter!

So the Sue, Mikomi, finds Naruto eating ramen and they talk about their day:
Quote :
"So, Naruto. How was your day?" She asked.

Naruto had a sour look on his face.

"That Sauke-teme was acting all high and mighty again! Just because he's better than me doesn't mean that he can chew me out. I am as good as he is! Even better maybe".

Mikomi ruffled his hair as she gave him a simpithetic look.

" Don't let him get to you,Naruto. He just likes making other people feel bad".
I can think of someone on this forum like that.

On the way home, Mikomi and Naruto run across Kakashi, who replaces himself with his Shadow Clone Kakasji to go read in privacy. I don't blame him. Being around a Sue makes me want to puke sparkly rainbows.
Quote :
"Kakashi-Sensei"

Kakasji peered through his book to see his student and old teammate.

"Yo,Naruto,Mikomi"

A slight blush dusted over Mikomi's face. It was a well known fact that she has had a crush on him since they were kids. He didn't know about it,but it was better that way. She didn't want to risk getting her heart broken and ruining their close friendship.
The Sue's one and only TWU WUB and I doubt she knew of Rin being on Kakashi's team.

While Mikomi and Kakashi continue flirting, I'm going to go throw up. It takes up the majority of this chapter alone...



Anyway, Naruto's all pissed because Mikomi's got a mission and whines like the brat he is.
Quote :
"Don't worry,Naruto. I'll have this missions done sooner than you know it"

Naruto managed to smile a tny bit.

"But while I'm gone, I expect you to behave with your teammates"

He suddenly grew angry at that.

"Why don't you try telling that to Sasuku-teme!"
I thought you were having trouble with Sauke-teme?

"Hey sis, I'm convinced you work the red-light district while I sleep."
Quote :
"I do not!"

"You do too"

"Do not"

"Do too"

"Do not"

"Do too"
Sorry, couldn't resist.

Time for some painful, confusing exposition.
Quote :
Even thoug Naruto had his own place, he tended to stay at his sister's house A.K.A their parents home. It wasn't really considered a house for the most part. It was an old boarding house that her dad used to live in before he became Hokage. He lived in it after he became the leader of the leaf village. He would always say that he din't want to live in the Hokage mansion because it was too fancy. Her mom on the other hand said it was because he would just get lost if he lived in a big house.
That says so much and so little at the same time.

Quote :
"Hey ,Nee-chan. Wanna watch a movie before we go to bed?"

She simply shruged.

"Sure, why not? Yuri isn't here, so we can pig out on junk food as well".

Whenever Yuri went on a mission, that was their chance to stay up late watching movies and eating junk food out the wazoo. Yuri didn't like it, but it was a tradition that they did since day one.
It sounds like something you do yourself, Sue-thor.

Time for some awesome going-to-bed action! And by awesome, I mean boring and pointless.
Quote :
Going into her closet, she pulled out a white tank top that had the Konoha emblem on it and a pair of flannel bottoms. She consider these as her pajamas, even though they were a bit skimpy. After changing into them, she went into Naruto's room to say goodnight to him.

He was already in his bed when she came in. His room consisted a lot of posters of the village and different types of ramen. He even had some empty ramen containers scattered all over the place.

She kissed him lightlt on his forehead.

"I'll see you in the morning, ok?"

Naruto nodded as his eyes became heavy. He yawned and turned to his side.

"Good-night, nee-chan. Promise you'll come back safely from your mission"

He would always say that before she left for a mission. It was like some sort of charm almost.
It's a heart-warming scene, but at the same time contributes only padding to a plot THAT HASN'T EVEN GONE ANYWHERE.

The chapter ends with even more pointless and boring padding, which makes it just the more relieving when it's over.

This story sucks! I cannot express in proper words how much hate I have for this story. The author tries, they really do, to be good, but they fall so flat with the over-use of typo and bad writing jutsu!

I need to go lie down...
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:19 pm

Ian wrote:
I can think of someone on this forum like that.

Inb4Wolfrage
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sun Nov 13, 2011 8:48 pm

TheIan wrote:

Quote :
Twelve years ago, two nine tailed foxes suddenly appeared. It's tailed lashed out, smashing moutains and created tidal waves. A band of ninja's rose to defend their village from the attack. One great ninja was able to imprision the monsters, but died in the process. This ninja was known as the Fouth Hokage. This is the story of his living legacies.
Last time I checked, author, there was only one Nine-Tailed Fox demon, not two. According to Naruto mythos, the Nine Tailed Beasts were fragments of a Ten-Tailed Demon the Sage of Six Paths had sealed in himself as a Jinchuuriki. So how or why there's two Nine-Tailed Fox Demons, author, I'm going to just assume you can't count.
Nah, that's a classic Suefic artifact, very well known by Harry Potter fans. Want your Sue to share the spotlight with the main character? Just duplicate the stuff you need. Have her survive Voldemort and live in the closet with Harry. Have another Kyuubi to get sealed inside her. Same principle.

Quote :
Quote :
Kekkei Genkai: Kamigan: enables to copy any justu including other Kekkei Genkai
Oh get bent, author.

Kamigan in the Sue-thor's sense means Sparkle-Eye. I have a problem with this because this Bloodline Limit doesn't exist in Naruto canon! What is your problem, Suethor?! Just how far into Naruto are you? There are only three, count them Sue-thor, three known canon Dojutsu: Sharingan for the Uchiha family, Byakugan for the Hyuuga family, and the Rinnegan, unique to only the Sage of Six Paths and Nagato, who are both dead. Neither Minato nor Kushina ever had this kind of Bloodline Limit! So how did you inherit this?
Not to mention the idea is horribly uncreative, redundant with both the Sharingan and Rinnegan. It's also counter-intuitive. The Sharingan allows one to copy moves by letting the user observe and register another person's movements with accuracy. It's not magic. Is her sparkle-eye capable of changing the user's DNA on the fly to match a technique by observation? How in hell does that work?
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:25 am

Copy, pause.... paste.

Okay, so... wait what. Minato and Kushina adopt a kid, okay. Kid happens to have SparkleEye... what. Kid gets one of two Kyuubi sealed inside of her-- okay, screw you author! Sure I made the almost exact same mistake my first time writing, but at least there was research involved there! Basic to the very least, but... wow. Okay, first thing you do; don't make a Sue. If you can't do that, don't make her conveniently this or that, or this AND this AAAND that... oh, wait. That's a Sue.

One of the only ways this can be redeemed is with her death. Particularly one that isn't a self-sacrifice one where she's saving the entire world and everyone's gonna get along with peace and happiness and love and sparkles because even though she died she made the world 20% cooler. Angry
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:28 am

Much as I despise and hate every inch of this story, I will continue snarking this until my sanity gives way or there are no chapters left, whichever comes first. Probably the former.

So Chapter 4 starts with the author trying to coax the readers into a false sense of security.
Quote :
When you hear 'The Planet', many things pop into your head. Sephiroth, Meteor, Jenova, Geostigma, Deepground, and of course Cloud Strife and AVALANCE. Their stories are legendary to us all. People would think that after all that has happened, the planet would be at peace. You'd think that Cloud and his friends would finally get a break from all of this chaos, but sadly, luck wasn't with them at all.
Luck isn't with the reader this far into the story.

Quote :
It all started with a rumor that Sephiroth was still alive. No one believed it, but lately they saw black feathers scattered in various places. Some thought it was a joke, but it became evident that no one would play a sick joke like this. Everyone just pushed that thought away. The thought that Sephiroth was actually back.

But what they saw next would shake the planet to its core.
Wow, exposition, you're really harrowing and suspenseful. I'm on the edge of my seat. I should probably sit back a little...

Quote :
Sephiroth was real and he was back for revenge.
DUN DUN DUN DUN!

Sephiroth's resurrection story count: 13,263,847,384,439

Quote :
Shin-Ra never knew why he was at headquarters. Maybe he wanted to see if the remains of Jenova's body were still around. Or perhaps he wanted to make his presence known to everyone. Particularly Cloud.
Or maybe he just came for his Retirement pay?

Whatever, ShinRa and AVALANCHE totally overreacts.

But Cloud takes it rather well.
Quote :
The blonde was seriously pissed off. No, he was beyond pisses, he was super pissed off that this was happening
And the audience is super-special-awesomely-ultra-mega-maximum-pissed off at how unbelievable this writing has become.

Quote :
Tifa was worried about him. Things were starting to go well for them and now this had to happen. She was upset about this as well as the others. But this was serious to Cloud. He was going back to his 'emo' self again and was taking it out on everyone.
He was whining about how little game-time he had in Dirge of Cerberus.

Quote :
"Has anyone thought of any ideas yet?"

They had spent the whole day trying to find ways of destroying Sephiroth. Some of them were good, but not good enough and others just sounded impossible.

When no one responded, he sighed.

"We're not making much progress"
JUST READ THE GODDAMN STRATEGY GUIDE AGAIN!

Halfway through this chapter and it devolves into a pointless conversation. But wait! Vincent has something not totally useless to add to this shit-fest!
Quote :
"Don't forget that he's not the only problem we have to worry about" Vincent said. "We have those three brothers to worry about as well".

It was true. Two days after Sephiroth was spotted, the remnant brothers were spotted was well. It seemed they couldn't have one without the other.
How much does it add to the plot? Not much. In fact, they're about as useless in this story as they were in Advent Children.

Quote :
No one really said anything as they continued to think of ideas.
Thanks for sharing that, author. Good to know this plot is still dead in the water.

This author must like to add the most pointless lines to this story.
Quote :
Yuffie continued spinning in her chair. You would think the motion sickness queen would be sick to her stomach by now, but apparently she was fine.
I bet Yuffie loves the water too, because it's where the fish live.

Yuffie, in all her uselessness suggest they need a miracle. Cloud gets all introspective about Aerith, generally useless and the chapter ends.

Thankfully.

I HATE THIS STORY! They are simply chapters of nothing!

Fuck it. If someone want to snark the next chapter, be my fucking guest!
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Fri Nov 18, 2011 1:49 pm

Colbert C'mon Ian, "u kan dooo eeeet!"
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Fri Nov 18, 2011 3:53 pm

Reidmar wrote:
Colbert C'mon Ian, "u kan dooo eeeet!"
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:48 am

^You know, what they said. Twisted Evil
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:52 am

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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:06 am

So it turns out Andy's Mom's favorite toys are also called Buzz and Woody.
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:07 am

Knorg wrote:
So it turns out Andy's Mom's favorite toys are also called Buzz and Woody.
You're, rather late
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:23 am

This is a thread about a Naruto fanfiction from 2009. This is hardly the time to care about being late.
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Mon Nov 21, 2011 9:19 am

What's that? The Rabbit is late?
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Tue Nov 22, 2011 3:50 pm

Aside from supposed canon rape and abuse of the English language - meh.

Unfunny snark, Ian. Sorry. It just feels more nitpicky than anything.
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Tue Nov 22, 2011 3:54 pm

This thread is so 2005. Remember when getting nitpicky was popular?
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Tue Nov 22, 2011 4:44 pm

StandupShady wrote:
Aside from supposed canon rape and abuse of the English language - meh.

Unfunny snark, Ian. Sorry. It just feels more nitpicky than anything.
Well, I work with what I find.

You wanna try snarking a chapter?
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:56 pm

Disco Stu wrote:
This thread is so 2005. Remember when getting nitpicky was popular?

Maybe I'm old school in that I prefer the blatently or subtly absurd as opposed to the fanfics that get a few bits of canon back-to-front.

Swings and roundabouts really.
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:37 am

I said I’d complete snarking this story until my sanity gave way or there were no more chapters, and I surrender to that commitment wholly, despite every fiber of my being resisting to stare into the abysmal dread that is this wretched pile of shit.

Chapter 3, O Fuck my Life.

The author gives us one of those pretentious text keys where you have to use a decoder ring you get in specially marked packages of Cliché Crunch, part of a balanced breakfast. And all of this before the real shit.
Quote :
Key:
"Talking"
'Thinking'
'Usagi talking'
'Aerith talking'

The chapter opens with the Sue clearly lost,
Quote :
Mikomi jumped through the trees that filled the vast forest.
She was supposed to go through the forest filled with giant dildos.

But it’s OK, because it’s only important that the Sue’s unspecified mission was done.
Quote :
She finished her mission in the Land of Waves faster than she expected. Now, she was returning home to report back
She entered the Land of Fire's border. Just a few more miles and she would be in the heart of the country.
But since the Sue was lost, she ends up closer to the liver of the country instead.

And along the way, the Sue reflects on how important it is to report on the mission’s unspecified conclusion
Quote :
She flipped from one of the trees and landed on the ground. She deemed it safe to travel by foot now that she was so close to home. The forest held a calming effect on her as she walked. A breeze would pass by and go through her hair. The trees shaded her from the scorching sun's evil rays.
Or she could think about how much of a giant dick the sun is, that works too.

After the Sue reflects on some pointlessness, she decides to just relax, because…
Quote :
Moments like these were hard to come by when you were a ninja. You were either busy doing missions or were guarding the village from intruders.
Or you could just be off-duty.

But no, she takes this time to talk with her sealed Fox Demon.
Quote :
Usagi was the fox demon that slept inside of her. She was original the Village's demon guardian that protected the village. But when the nine-tailed fox attacked, she got sealed up to protect the village.
OK, fuck you author.

For starters, your fox demon is named Rabbit. Second, the Tailed Beasts are fragments of Chakra that make up the much larger and more dangerous Ten-Tailed Demon. They don’t protect anyone or anything period. They’re like honey badgers on Bath Salts.

Third, the Fourth Hokage adopted you during a war. That could have very well been from anywhere. I don’t think anyone, Hokage included, would just up and allow you to be the jinchuriki to a fox demon named Rabbit.

Moving on through the Sue uselessly padding the chapter conversing with her fox demon and foreshadowing canon, the Sue takes off again, only to realize, like her forest filled with trees, the chapter is filled with padding.
Quote :
After walking for a few more hours, she started to grow bored. There was nothing to do in a forest except look at the trees or tap a nap in one.
Yeah, tap a nap! So dirty, the way I like it. Fap

Quote :
Just as she was about to take another step, something caught her eye.
Something sparkled nearby the bushes to her left. Growing curious, she decided to investigate.
“Ooooh, sparkly plot device…”

Quote :
She walked cautiously to the bush. For all she knew, it could have been a trap set for her.
Yes, because your Sue is SO IMPORTANT a trap specially set for her is going to be in the middle of a forest just MILES outside a renowned Ninja village. Rolling Eyes

The Sue builds tension as she discovers what this sparkly plot device could be!
Quote :
What she found was totally unexpected. She thought she would find an old kunai knife or a headband protector, but instead she found the strangest thing.
It appeared to be an orb of some sort. Due to the texture of it, she deemed it to be made of glass. The appearance of it what strange enough, but what made it even more strange was that it gave off a greenish glow.
You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Sorry, I couldn’t find any videos on YouTube of just king Arthur shouting at Tim.

Quote :
She thought it was a bomb of some sort, but when it didn't go off she figured it was safe to tough it.
She examined the orb carefully. She never encountered something so strange as this.
Modern-age ninjas with mystical reality-bending powers, talking animals, and multi-tailed demon beasts roam the land, and a fucking marble is out of the ordinary?

Well, the Plot Device takes away the Sue and we cut to Cloud moping to Aerith’s spirit.
Quote :
Her death was one of her most gravest sins. He promised that he would protect her and yet he managed to let Sephiroth impale her with his sword. He could never forgive himself, no matter how many times people told him it wasn't his fault.
"But it was my fault" he thought. "I let you die"
"You never change" Aerith suddenly said "Always blaming yourself for things you didn't do"
Cloud looked up at the sky.
"What do you expect me to do?" he said to the sky. "Just forget everything that's happened?"
"That's right" the Ceatra said "How are you suppose to stop Sephiroth if you're thinking about things that already happened. You need think in the present and not in the past".
I keep expecting Aerith to slap the whiny out of Cloud and tell him to grow a pair.

Hey Cloud, ever wondered what an ironic delivery and clichéd plot-point trope looked like?
Quote :
He looked up at the night sky, hoping Aerith might listen to him.
"Tell me what I'm suppose to do" he pleaded. "Send me a sign…a hint…anything"
Just then, something flashed up in the trees. Cloud watched as a body came crashing through the trees.
When the light faded away, Mikomi found herself in some foreign forest. She landed on a thick branch with a 'thump'. She looked around the forest of white trees. This was something she never saw before.
You’re welcome!

So the Sue crashes through some trees and lands on her head (at least no harm done) and she meets Cloud who was conveniently in the area. Place your bets what Cloud thinks of all this! Bets, anyone?
Quote :
Those green eyes, that brown hair; it all screamed Aerith. But it was too good to be true. Aerith was dead and she was never coming back. Plus this girl looked a lot younger than her, plus she was more built than she was.
Plus she wasn’t as cute as Aerith was, plus she fell from the sky, plus she probably wouldn’t take to Cloud crossdressing as well as Aerith did, plus…

And then Cloud breaks the Sue.
Quote :
"Are you o.k.?" he asked.
She looked like she was going to say something put she blacked out and went limp.
Broke her IN HALF.

Happiest day in my life…

And thus the chapter ends with Aerith being a smart-ass, Cloud practically abducting an unconscious Sue, and people on the other side of the island tying in the loose ends of last season.

This story is still stupid.
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:30 am

Quote :
Usagi was the fox demon that slept inside of her.
Someone has been swiping names from Sailor Moon without Googling the meaning first.
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Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Jul 28, 2012 3:23 pm

Well, I'm glad that this story finally ended. I gotta say, I'm kinda surprised Cloud broke that Sue in half. He is a credit to Canon.

Now I'll never have to deal with this Sue agai--
Quote :
Pain was the only thing Mikomi recognized when she regained conscience. Her skull throbbed painfully, causing her to have a headache.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Goddamn it, Cloud! You suck!

To those of you coming in, I'll catch you up.
Quote :
She tried to recall the recent events that made her have this god awful headache. She remembered coming back from her mission in Kirigakure, talking with Usagi, finding that strange orb.
Now you are caught up.

Quote :
"Oh yeah. I wound up in that strange forest and hit my head on one of those white trees"

She didn't know what happened after that, so she went to see if Usagi knew.

"Hey Usagi. You awake?" she asked her fox friend.

Said fox could be heard groaning as if she had a headache as well.


Quote :
"Do you know what happened back there?"

"Not a clue. All I remember is that strange orb, a white forest, and crashing through trees"

"Do you know where we are?"

"No. I've been out the same time as you have"

"You're a lot of help"

"Well excuse me for not having control of my own body. It's not my fault that your dad sealed me up in you. He could have sealed me up in Naruto, but no, he had to stick me with you."

"Ok, ok, I get it. God, you're such a crab when you wake up, you know that?"

"So what if I am? Now get your lazy ass up and find out what's going on before I take over your body"

"Alright, I'm getting up. Man you're a real brat today"
"Hey, you know what we need right now?"
"A third voice?"
"I was gonna say a sudden scene shift, but that would be cool, too."

Quote :
Her eyes fluttered open. She clutched her head as she slowly sat up. When the pain faded away, she looked at her surroundings. She found herself in somebody's bedroom and happened to be sitting on somebody's bed. From what she gathered, it had to be a kid's room since there were tons of stuffed animals and drawings on the wall.
Dear god, she woke up in the Suethor's bedroom! All of Hyper-Time is collapsing!

Hungrily, the Sue spies some lunch kids nearby...
Quote :
"Are you ok, miss?" the boy asked.

She gave them a weak smile.

"Yeah, my head just hurts a little. But thanks for asking."

The girl got up on the bed and sat across from her.

"I'm Marlene and that's Denzel." Marlene said. "What's your name?"

Mikomi smiled at them. They were too cute.

"I'm Mikomi. It's nice to meet you Denzel and Marlene."

Both of them smiled in return.
They don't suspect...

And then we get to see the Sue's mind truly at work! It's a marvelous display of fine-tuned machinery and brilliant brainpower only a Sue can possibly be capable of!
Quote :
Denzel sat on second bed that she just realized was in the room. She figured that this was their room and that they shared it.

"I take it that this is your room?" she asked the kids.
COWER AT HER POWERS OF OBSERVATION

I think perhaps the greatest crime in this story is the author lining up the corpses of former Beta-readers to indicate a break in the story.
Quote :
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Tifa came into the room a few minutes later. She was surprised to see Mikomi up already. Marlene got off her bed and ran up to her.

"Tifa, she's awake"

"I can see that" she said.
"I'm not completely stupid, like some characters in this story."

And the Author uses perhaps one of the most overused tropes: unnecessary flashbacks that break up the pacing.

There's no point in quoting it here, since it's boring and goes on for quite a while.


Quote :
Now that she saw her up, she had to admit that she resembled Aerith a tiny bit. She had the same brown hair and green eyes, but that was it. She looked a lot younger than Aerith and she didn't have that gentle look on her face. She had a stubborn look and had a muscular body for her size. Her eyes shown that she had seen a lot of bad things for someone her age. It almost reminded her of a certain blonde.
It's like she was supposed to be the illegitimate bastard-child of Cloud and Aerith who somehow crossed dimensions, grew up as a ninja, became a Jinchuuriki, and then crossed dimensions again! But this is Fanfiction, nothing that far-fetched is possible, could it?

Sue and Tifa make introductions, it's shitty and not worth the time, and then the Sue full-on fangirls Cloud.

Quote :
Mikomi almost felt her heart stop beating. He looked EXACTLY like her dad and Naruto. He had the same spiky blonde hair and blue eyes as they did. He even had the same light skin tone as they did.
Looks like Minato, huh?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Yeah, no, I don't see it...

And then Cloud has a moment where you can actually scrape the emo off him with a spatula.
Quote :
Now that he saw her awake, he could tell that she looked nothing like Aerith. That was good in some way. Now wouldn't have to see the woman that he had lead to her death. But it was also sad because he would never see that gentle face again.

Quote :
"I take it your Cloud? I'm Mikomi Uzumaki "
Why are you taking my cloud? GIVE IT BACK! IT'S MY CLOUD! It has my Yuffie porn...

My brain is starting to burn out from this chapter.

Quote :
"Toto, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore" she thought.

Oh yeah, because that's exactly what we needed in this boring mess.

Quote :
Mikomi waved nervously to everyone. Sure, she could be tough, but she tended to be really shy to new people. It's not every day that people would want to be near a Jinchuriki. She secretly held onto the kunai knife that was sewn into her hakama pants.

Everyone looked at her carefully.
They were probably wondering why she was reaching into her pants in front of them. Schlick

I'm sorry.


Quote :
Mikomi bit her lip nervously. She didn't like the looks they were giving her. It reminded her of how everyone in the village would look at her. She didn't like it one bit.

"But then again, I'm used to it"
You also seem used to contradicting yourself, too, Sue.

Quote :
"You don't know what a materia is?! Have you been living under a rock or something?!"

Cid elbowed her in the side. The glare she received made her cower a bit.

Mikomi bowed her head shamefully.

"Gomen. I'm just so confused right now. I don't know where I am, or how I got here in the first place. I don't even know if I'm in Konoha anymore"
She also doesn't seem to know how to shut off the Fan-Japanese.

Long-Winded Confused Sad Ninja Girl Jutsu!
Quote :
"Well, this all started when I was coming home from a mission. I'm a ninja a village called Konohagakure or also known as The Village Hidden in the Leaves. I was coming home from a neighboring village when I found this …materia thing. I thought it was an explosive at first since it was glowing and all. When I realized it wasn't, I started to wonder where it came from. Next thing I knew, I wound up in some strange glowing forest and then here. And now, I don't really know where I am or what this place is ".
"And then I saw this tree thing, but it was hissing at me and it exploded and destroyed part of my house and now it's nighttime and there's zombies and I don't know what to do, because my house is destroyed and I can't punch trees at night and asdjkjtuohsdfjsfd"
That you, Sue. That is how dumb you sound.

The rest of AVALANCHE comfort the Sue is an orgy of hugs and rainbows and moral bonding and where the fuck are the turn-based battles and Limit Breaks and fighting and shit?! This is a Final Fantasy VII/Naruto crossover for fuck's sake; there should be more action in this story than a UFC match!

Quote :
A/N: Holy Crap that was a long chapter! I think I surprised even myself.

Hope this was to your liking, and I look forward to those reviews.

Remember, I'm still looking for funny ideas. So if you have any, lay them on me and post them up. I'll even dedicate a chapter to you.

Please send me feed back and tell me how you like it so far.

Ja ne
I have a funny idea for you author.






A PLAGUE OF BEARS UPON YOU
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ScytheK



Join date : 2012-07-19

PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Jul 28, 2012 6:23 pm

Wait, Naruto still has a fandom? I thought it died like, years ago. (Ironic coming from someone that's in the Beetle Bailey fandom, for god's sake.)
Suethors do get a lot of lols from me, so keep up the sporking.
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myeerah
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Jul 28, 2012 9:04 pm

Well, Cloud and Minato both have spiky blond hair and blue eyes. That's all the description a bad writer needs, so clearly they are identical.
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TheIan
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Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Sat Sep 01, 2012 12:23 pm

What a horrible dream...

I was sporking this shitty story about a stupid Ninja Sue from Konoha who fell through a plot-hole into Final Fantasy VII for some bullshit reason.

I'm just glad that nightmare's ove--

Quote :
Chapter 7: Adjusting

A/N: Here's the next chapter. Thanks again to Bakuto Masaki for being the only person who reviews this story. And sorry for not responding to your PM. My computer is messed up. Without further ado, let's get on with the story.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(╯>□<)╯​︵ ┻━┻AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I need a hug

Quote :
"Good morning" she yawned. "Did you have a good night's sleep?"

The kunochi nodded with a small grin.

"Yes I did. Thank you for letting me use you room for the night"
"Thank goodness. We were worried for a while last night. You sounded like a dying coyote. Also why did you want someone named Tenten to keep going down on you?"

Two Fap jokes in two chapters? See if I can go three for three next chapter.

And to the Sue's fortune, she gets breakfast in bed!
Quote :
Both children crawled out of their beds and got on hers. She had to admit, they were pretty cute.
The kids were never heard from again, and nothing of value was lost.

Quote :
Tifa had breakfast preparing when they came down. They smell of bacon and pancakes hit them like a ton of bricks.
That's not surprising. Tifa's cooking always did feel like you were eating lead.

Quote :
The martial artist smiled as she saw her guest up.


I can't help if I spot the innuendo! It's just written so obviously. Colbert

Marlene, somehow surviving being eaten by the Sue, appears again. I blame the Sue for being a sloppy child-eater.

Quote :
Marlene pulled her to the dining area.

"You can sit by me" She said.
Be sure to use your fork this time, Sue!

Quote :
She led her into the dining room, where she found Cloud, Barret, Yuffie and Cid at the table.

They all looked at her when she entered the room. She smiled at them nervously. She didn't like the looks they were giving her, or rather, the guys were giving her.
Cock-whistling Christ on a stick, author, are you trying to get your Sue laid?!

The only person who really doesn't give off the most sexual tension with the Sue seems to be Yuffie, which I find rather stran--
Quote :
Yuffie jumped out of her seat and went up to her.

"Good morning, ninja buddy"

She gave her a big bear hug.
GODDAMMIT

Quote :
"So, how do you like our world so far?"
"I haven't spent a whole day here conscious or outside this house, that is a terrible question to ask."

So at the table, the Sue gets a closer look at Barret.
Quote :
Mikomi nervously looked at the former leader of AVALANCHE. He looked like a real tough guy that could beat anybody up.
But deep down, Barret shared his adopted daughter's love for Fluttershy.

Quote :
Yet, he managed to give her a small grin. She seemed like a nice girl to him, and Marlene seemed to like her. As long as she didn't do anything that would harm his daughter, he was ok with her.
Dude, she's evil! She tried to eat your daughter twice! Stop being useless and do something, for once, Barret!

Cid's turn to study the Sue.
Quote :
Cid studied her from across the table. He didn't know what to make of her yet. She seemed to be nice, but she could be acting it for all they knew.
Only the kids know she wasn't faking it last night, Cid.

Quote :
Still, she didn't look like someone who had anything up her sleeve.


And Cloud, predictably, is being an emo.
Quote :
The said blonde was trying to avoid eye contact with her. He wasn't trying to be mean or anything. He just couldn't bring himself to look at her. He knew that she looked nothing like Aerith at all. But when he saw the brown hair and the green eyes, he just saw his friend being stabbed by Sephiroth. He didn't know why he brought her here, but something told him that it was the right thing. He didn't know why she came to this world. But if she did, it had to be very important. Otherwise, she wouldn't be here and Aerith wouldn't have told him to help her. He didn't know what to do about this whole situation, but he couldn't just leave his friends to take care of this. He would just have to suck in his broken pride and help the poor girl, no matter how much she reminded him of his friend.


So after another bodycount of the author's Beta-readers who committed suicide this far in, breakfast is served.
Quote :
"Alright guys. Breakfast is ready"

She struggled with the plates filled with food. Mikomi got up from her seat and took one of the plates from her.

"Here Let me help"

Tifa smiled at her.

"Well, aren't you sweet?"

She rounded at the others.

"Why can't you be more helpful like our guest? You don't get seconds because of that"
Tifa also seems to count as a motherly bitch.

Quote :
"Keep your pants on" Cid barked "It's just breakfast"
You keep your pants on, goddammit! The last thing I need to see in this story is a Sue sleeping with one of you bozos!

Breakfast drags on, Cid and Sue have a trust-building exercise, while Tifa's awful cooking forces the Sue to regurgitate Denzel later.
Quote :
Denzel was playing soccer with Yuffie, while Mikomi did jump rope with Marlene. Barret kept an eye on them while he sat by the front steps. This made Mikomi a little nervous. Marlene seemed to notice this.

"Don't worry. My daddy is really nice."

She went up to him and gave him a big hug.

"He's like a giant teddy bear"

Barret ruffled her hair before motioning for Mikomi to come over.

"I won't bite ya, kid"
"Not unless you like it." Dongs

Sue swears to Barret she won't let anything happen to Marlene, but deep down, Sue is imagining how Marlene will taste with some nutmeg and garlic.

But now it's time for the Sue to show off her amazing Ninja abilities! See how she... u, gets a ball off a roof!
Quote :
"I don't know how we're going to get it down though"

Mikomi walked up to them.

"I'll get it" she said plainly.

"How? The only way to get up there is to climb up"

"I'll jump then"

"Huh?"

She sent chakra to her feet and jumped into the air. She went higher than the building, so she flipped through the air until she landed on the roof.
And proceeded to throw up from all the midair somersaulting.

Quote :
Picking up the ball, she flipped off and landed gracefully to the ground.

Everyone looked at her wide eyed. Cid's cigarette fell out of his mouth.

She handed Denzel back his ball. He looked at her, to his ball to back at her again
If you ask me, her dismount was shaky.

And then the Sue shows more of her awesome General Issue Sue Powers just before the chapter ends.

Quote :
Mikomi went up to a wall and started walking it up.

"I can walk on walls"

She walked until she reached underneath the porch.

"On ceilings"
Kids, don't try this at home! You'll get footprints all over the wallpaper and your mother will be very irate.

Quote :
They all simply watched as Mikomi performed more jutsus for the children. It was almost like watching a magic show in a way. The way she could breathe fire and make two of herself

This was something they had never seen before. It was all new to them. But if she came from a different world then of course she would be different. They guess they would just have to adjust to all of this just like she would have to adjust to all of them. This was going to be strange for all of them.
How fitting an ending that states the obvious and just sounds stupid as the rest of this Fic.

I think I just felt a bit of my soul die from this chapter.
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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: A Ninja Sue is drafted into AVALANCHE   Thu Sep 06, 2012 2:16 am

ScytheK wrote:
Wait, Naruto still has a fandom? I thought it died like, years ago. (Ironic coming from someone that's in the Beetle Bailey fandom, for god's sake.)
Suethors do get a lot of lols from me, so keep up the sporking.
Well, I suppose the Narutomania died a bit after the networks realized it wouldn't be the next Dragonball Z. Yet, I must remind you that both the anime and manga are still ongoing.
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