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 Into Gerudo Forest

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TheIan
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Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

PostSubject: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:47 pm

45 chapters.

45 chapters of this. What is it, you ask? It's 45 chapters of ignoring the Enter key. I have seen some text-walls, but this is the wall to rule them all. Prepare for some eye-bleed, this is the text wall that is Gerudo's forest.

Quote :
She woke to the sound of shouting. A dull thudding sound was coming closer from somewhere in the

darkness of what she thought was her bed room. She couldn't quite make since of the noises she was

hearing.
Nor can the author make sense of double-checking her work.

Quote :
"Jimmy?" she called softly. "Jimmy where are you?" she said not

trying to panic. The room felt strangely warmer than it usually did even for a hot Georgia night. The

air hitting her legs made her realize her covers were off. As she reached for her sheets the sound of

clashing metal being struck repeatedly startled her eyes open.
You mean to tell me, author, that this character had her eyes closed even when she was woken to shouting?

Wouldn't you know it, she wasn't in her bedroom to begin with.

Quote :
What the light revealed shocked her. Her bed had been replaced

with a flat rock in the middle of a sea of sand.
Or it was just a futon. They're practically the same thing.

And the girl panics, no surprise and does the sensible thing and tries to wake herself up. To no effect, she panics.

Quote :
Sounds of horse hooves could now be

distinguished from the dull thudding she had heard before. A thought had just occurred to her. What if

her fiance' was just over that ridge? Was he in the middle of the battle? She just had to risk a look. It

would do her no good just to sit there.
Yes, go towards an ensuing battle and get caught in the middle of violent slaughter! I dare you!

Quote :
"Ok Melissa you just need to look over that hill. No one will

even know you were there." She said to herself.
Famous last words right there.

Also, it's now apparently this character is Melissa. I have to admit, she's not nearly as stupid as I'm led to believe.

Quote :
The other army was so drastically different. All of them were

women dressed in what looked like Arabian harem out fits.
And you were doing so well too, author.

Well, you fiance isn't amidst the battling, so you can safely--
Quote :
At first as she watched she thought the lack of armor on the group of

female warriors would leave them at a disadvantage. The more she studied the event below she could

see that the armor was weighing the men down into the sand making it harder for them to move.
That's nice to point out, author. Now if you could--

Quote :
A flash of light struck in the middle of a group of the armored men which sent them flying.

A gleeful cackling came from above. She looked up in amazement just in time to see two little old

women flying away on brooms just in time to avoid the volley of arrows being sent there way by

another half of the armored troop that surrounded who must be their leader.
Oh fuck it, I give up.

Have a confusing entrance!
Quote :
The clouds

had moved in once more and from them heat lightning was flashing. The brooms came to a stop

finally after crossing a good distance. Even at that distance she could see Him when the lightning

would flash. A man on a dark armored horse, his cape whipping out behind him in the wind.
He was also getting a face-full of sand, I assume.

We've gone a while without some dialogue (or a break in the paragraph for that matter) so have some riveting dialogue.
Quote :
"*&%#%#^% #$" She heard a raspy voice

shriek. Melissa looked up to see the two old ladies hovering over her. "*&%#%#^% #$"They

repeated.
Watch your fucking language. This is a game for teens, for the love of fire on Jesus' balls!

Quote :
"Uh hi." Melissa tried. "I'm sorry but can't

understand a word your saying. You wouldn't happen to speak english would you?" The two old

crones just stared at her for a moment then began to talk amongst themselves.
It's not that hard to understand, Melissa. They were asking if you could break a thirty-fingered snail for some violent peach cobbler.

And now some more gibberish!
Quote :
"$%^#^ $%^*##% %&*($% 6$^&*86^*(." One shouted suddenly at the closest

group of horseback women.
You want to what with a gallon of apple juice?

So, Melissa, bet you were expecting not to be seen, huh? How amazing those words came back and bit you in the ass?
Quote :
She almost felt silly about doing so but as she watched the horse galloping towards her she panicked.

She made a mad dash away but knew she wouldn't be able to out run a horse. She felt a sharp tug at

the back of her night shirt and was lifted into the air. Her captor was definitely stronger than she

looked. She pulled Melissa onto the horse and together they rode off.
Melissa meets a grisly demise, there's an orgy, the end.

I wish. I really fucking wish. At this point, I'd just be done and over with this. I'd more pity-quit because this story is just so pathetic. It's entirety is a text-wall that you're just beating yourself in the head with over and over again.

Anyway, Melissa is whisked away from the battle. Attempting to break up the awkward situation, Melissa ensues in some cliche dialogue for her situation.
Quote :
"Where are you taking me" she asked after riding what

seemed a few good miles. The lady didn't answer. "Could you at least tell me where I am and how I

got here?" But again she was greeted with silence. "What are you going to do with m-?"
Tell there are no other fanfics that use this same dialogue when a normal!human character appears in Fandom. I dare you.

Quote :
They arrived at a huge stone castle/temple looking building that

looked as though it had been carved out of the rock face for which it stood against. Melissa stared in

awe of the beauty of the carvings etched and carved into it. They dismounted and the woman dragged

her into the building. As they traveled the maze like hallways Melissa found herself lost.
I'm not. I see a light at the end of this long, boring text-wall tunnel.

In the end, Melissa is left locked up in a prison cell and I could care less.

Fuck this shit! This is not something to read while drunk or sober! Or at all for that matter! The writing is decent save for some of the obvious errors, but the character of Melissa is boring, vague AND completely uninteresting. 45 chapters of this. Fuck that.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:02 pm

Quote :
At first as she watched she thought the lack of armor on the group of

female warriors would leave them at a disadvantage. The more she studied the event below she could

see that the armor was weighing the men down into the sand making it harder for them to move.
Hmm- That is why those I Dream of Jeannie costumes exist you know, superior sand-battle protection.
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:44 pm

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Reidmar
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Sat Nov 05, 2011 7:54 pm

Penguin wrote:
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Generic Rage... RISING!
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Raille



Join date : 2012-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:12 pm

Have you looked at Imacetra's story lately? She actually revamped it. What you had to say, though, was pretty awful of you. Shame on you for being so rude to a budding writer. That's the first- and longest- fanfiction she's every written. Perhaps her intro wasn't the greatest or most convincing, but then, at least she tried to create a story from a different angle. It wasn't centered on Link like so many others. Sorry she was more concerned with writing the story than thinking about the enter key or perfect grammar. I wouldn't call that eye-bleed unless you're anal, as you must be seeing as you hated the story enough to post the above comments. But then, you never got out of the first chapter or two. If you had read further, you would have seen that it got better as it went along. But that's what you get when you're more worried about the enter key and some cliche moments/dialogue than finding out where the story was meant to take you. Honestly, if you found yourself confused and picked up by a stranger in the desert, would you not ask "Where are we going?" at some point? If you're so interested in originality, you shouldn't be reading or writing fanfictions since they're based off of others' work. Give her a break. Not everyone can be as perfect as you apparently are.
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Mouse
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:13 pm

Oh boy, either this is the author or this is a friend of the author...either way bit of writing advice: most people who read fanfiction do so because they like the characters and want to read more about them. A Legend of Zelda tic doesn't have to be about Link or Zelda; it could be about Malon or Nabooru if you wanna give more light to female characters. If you're still interested in OCs, try making your character be based in the game's universe. If you like the Gerudos so much, tell it from the perspective of one of Nabooru's warriors. This would make for a more interesting character. Also regarding the "everyday teen ends up in fantasy world" story, let me just say it's been done to death. I'm not saying it can't be done well (there are no bad ideas, only bad writers), but that it has been done so often you're going to need some twist to make yours grab the reader's attention and hold it. Average teenage girl is going to flip out when they realize they're not drunk off their tree but are in a world they regard as fiction. Especially since, given the level of tech in Hyrule, do they even have basic stuff like tampons and Tylenol? Addressing minor issues as that would go a long way towards improving your story.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:21 am

Quote :
Oh fuck it, I give up.

Hands up if you wish Ian really would.
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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:27 am

Knorg wrote:
Quote :
Oh fuck it, I give up.

Hands up if you wish Ian really would.

*raises her hand*
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Raille



Join date : 2012-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:18 am

I'm just tired of people hiding behind their computer screens, thinking it's safe to be so rotten because they don't think they can be hurt. TheIan posted on her wall but wasn't capable of being that mean to her virtual face. And you're damn right I know her. She's my sister. I wasn't the one who found this post. She did. And it hurt her a lot. If you can't say something to a person's face, then why is it okay to spew garbage like this on the internet for the whole world to see if it wishes? It's like a bad movie review that makes you not want to see a movie before giving it a chance. And I fail to see how tampons make a story better. Again, all I can say is that the internet truly sucks for etiquette. If you can't give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, leave damn well enough alone!

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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:55 am

Raille wrote:
I'm just tired of people hiding behind their computer screens, thinking it's safe to be so rotten because they don't think they can be hurt. TheIan posted on her wall but wasn't capable of being that mean to her virtual face. And you're damn right I know her. She's my sister. I wasn't the one who found this post. She did. And it hurt her a lot. If you can't say something to a person's face, then why is it okay to spew garbage like this on the internet for the whole world to see if it wishes? It's like a bad movie review that makes you not want to see a movie before giving it a chance. And I fail to see how tampons make a story better. Again, all I can say is that the internet truly sucks for etiquette. If you can't give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, leave damn well enough alone!


Bolded mine.

When was the last time you read a movie review, a bad one, which offered constructive criticism? "Catwoman would have been better if they had hired <so and so> to redo the script, got rid of Halle Berry, gave Sharon Stone a bigger part" and so on. NEVER. Reviews don't do that. Snarks don't do that. As much as I don't like TheIan's snarks (sorry, they're boring), it's his opinion on a publicly listed work, just like a movie critic. You can agree, you can disagree, you can ignore. But basically, what it boils down to here is: Crai more, newb.

No, no, please. Crai more. It gives people extra lulz when authors (or friends of the author) show up to defend the work. I would have to say, Raille, you are the only thing which managed to make this thread interesting.
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Raille



Join date : 2012-01-26

PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:36 am

Out of all of that, you could only pick one line to criticize? Again, if seeking to poke fun at those defending their work or the work of others is the only thing making this thread interesting, it shows just what kind of scum and internet trolls hangs out on this piece of crap website. If SOPA and PIPA pass- which I hate- perhaps pointless websites like this will start to disappear. You guys don't add to the internet, you detract. If all you all have time to do is hang out and make snarky comments, maybe you should go to college and find a degree to get a real job, because you obviously have too much time on your hands. Noob? Please. A noob is someone who spends more time criticizing others than actually improving themselves. A noob is someone who laughs it up because they don't play fair and they know they'll win. You're right, I probably did give this stupid thread some more fame. But at least I'm standing up on the right side of things, an I can say as much. Peace out Mrs. 38.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Into Gerudo Forest   Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:02 am

Your sister answered my review, I hope you realize. And she said this:

Quote :
Thank you for the input. You write beautifully and my writing will probably never be that good. I hate to write and this was my first attempt at a fan fiction. I just woke up one morning and just had this strong urge to type this. The fact that I am writing at all is a miracle. After I finish this story I will probably never write again. lol I was told to post it on here and I really don't have the time to make it convenient for people to read. I am sorry you hate it. I have tried to put as much thought into it as I could but I don't really have a plan as far as how the story should go. I just sit there most times with writers block and feel pressured by my friends to produce another chapter as quick as I can. So I usually end up writing what comes to mind if it sounds good enough. Sorry for your eye strain. =_=;

What you're doing, isn't nearly as productive as you think. You defend your sister because of emotional and family attachment. But have you at all talked to your sister about what she feels? About what she wants do? I admit, I tend to be mean-spirited (we all are on this forum. Some more than others, believe it or not) as does everyone else here.

Hell, we're all assholes here in some way or another. But we all mean well. Don't ask how that works, I have no fucking idea even to this day.
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