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PostSubject: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:50 pm

I wanted so badly to have a better title and description... so, so badly, but there was just too much to try and cram in.

It's a few chapters long and not finished yet, so I'm just going to pick out some of the best bits. Here's the author's summary:

Quote :
Roxanne is a vampire...but she's not your usual vampire, she's one who can eat normal food and walk in the sunlight. So what happens when she falls for a certain mech? Will he love her back, and will she be able to save him from his fate? CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR DOTM.

Unassuming enough, right? Albeit stupid, of course...

...aaand yes it's the Toni Braxton song that's stuck in your head, now.

Anyways, let's get on with the story, shall we? And oh! if it isn't a long description of what the sue looks like right off the bat:

Quote :
A young woman was walking down the street of Mission City, her heels clicking against the pavement as she walked. She was tall-sih, about 5ft 7in (With the heels) and her perfect black hair blew lightly with the slight wind.

Aspiring writers, take note: never describe anything having to do with a character you cherish and take seriously as "perfect".

Quote :
She was dressed in skinny jeans that hugged her curves, a dark top that showed a little cleavage, but went right down her arms. On her porclain right hand, on the ring finger, was a chunky ring that looked like a little sun.

Any one else having trouble picturing what a shirt that shows some cleavage but goes right down the arms looks like? Is it, like, a low-cut tube that you wear with your arms inside? Well if that were the case, it would have the added benefit of needing to shake her butt more as she walked to prevent herself from falling over.

Quote :
If inspected closely, you could clearly see the words in Latin saying, *Domina Noctis* on one side and on the other side it said, also in latin, *Praesidio in lucem diei*. Her hypnotising blue eyes were almost sparkling in the dim light, her eyes were dusted in a slight shade of violet, her lips were painted in a blood red colour and her high cheek bones were dusted in a slight pink. All in all, she was a beautiful woman.

Man, is TF really the new HP and LotR? I haven't read awful descriptors like these in AGES. This sounds like a gothy 10th walker elf girl here, or whatever that translates to in Potter-world. A paralyzingly beautiful half-selkie, half-centaur, half-muggle witch of Lemurian decent, maybe.

Quote :
Now, this young lady was aware that she was being followed by a man in a black GMC Topkick. Personally, she loved those heavy duty vehicles, it gave her a jolt of arousal whenever she saw one. As she were walking, she tried to ignore the rumbling of the engine behind her.

...because if you're being followed by a stranger in a car as you walk down the street, your first reaction is to wet your panties thinking about his ride, of course.

Okay so car stops, WILLIAM LENNOX has appeared, and apparently this haunting hottie knows him. Duh! We then discover that she has "perfect teeth" and is Scottish. Oh boy, let's see how this accent plays out, yeah?

Quote :
"I'm al'ight, I've been better. How're ye?" She asked.



Quote :
Will nodded and pulled her over to the truck. She willingly walked over to it and went around the back to rub against the tailgate.

"Oh how I love these trucks" she said.

Will laughed and opened the door.

"Wanna take him for a spin?" He asked.

Roxie looked at Will.

"This truck's a guy?" She asked.

Will nodded.

"What? You think, that with an ass like that, that this truck was a gal?" He asked.

Roxie shook her head. He was right, with an ass like that, and muscles like that, there was no way this truck was a gal.



It's going to take someone more skilled than I to snark that. It's just... yeah. I mean, actual car-philes exist, like, on the level of "cars" being their sexual orientation, but they're pretty fuckin' rare. I guess Vampirex1's is a world in which everybody's one.

Anyways, so without any explanation as to how they know each other, Will let's this chick drive this car around the block. She says weird stuff to it, and then "senses something about it", so she takes it to a park (still leaving Will where he was on the street by himself) to talk it out. Ironhide doesn't reveal himself yet, but Roxanne's "perfect vision" spots the autobot insignia on his tail lights (I didn't think you'd need 20/20 vision to spot covers on the lights of a truck that's practically the size of an Amtrak locomotive, unless her perfect eyes could like... telescope themselves to see around corners since I don't think she was standing behind him.

She brings Ironhide back to pick up Will, where she tries interrogating him about the truck.

Quote :
"Don't give me that BS Will, my senses are tingling...this truck...isn't a truck" she said.
Quote :
my senses are tingling

The chapter ends on a CLIFFHANGER! WHERE ARE THEY GOING? WHAT IS HE GOING TO REVEAL TO HER ABOUT HIS CAR? WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE A HEART ATTACK? HOW IN THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER AND WHY DOES WILL NOT GIVE A SHIT THAT SHE'S A VAMPIRE? WHAT IS ANY OF THIS EVER?

Well, it's time to find out.

CHAPTER 2: "AUTOBOTS"

Starts off with more crap about her being a special little snowflake of a wanksty vampire girl.

Quote :
Roxie shook her head. Even though she was a vampire, she didn't like to get into the paranormal things...people may start asking questions...and that wouldn't be good.

Really? Really? I was into vampires and darkness and knives and ghosts and books written in blood when I was a teenager, and nobody ever thought "hm, you know, I wonder if she's undead..."

Okay, and then 2 lines down we get the horribly anticlimactic reveal in an open field. More or less "Hey this is Ironhide".

Neither Will nor Ironhide seem capable of explaining anything to her, and say that Prime is the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN so I guess that gives them a place to actually go now, since apparently everyone was just wandering around aimlessly until now. Finally! They have a purpose!

And then as they drive merrily off, we cut to some suspicious characters.

Quote :
Meanwhile; a young man was sat in a warehouse, with a couple of friends. He had black hair, and his eyes almost glittered in the dim light. They were sharpening pieces of wood into stakes.

I don't understand how this villain (whose name is Johnny, btw) is going to wind up becoming a threat whatsoever, now that the selkiemugglevampiregirl has made a whole cast of new and exciting friends. Last I checked, sticks didn't work so great against giant alien robots. Scene ends and we get a cut back to our main characters:

Quote :
Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.

...w...what? The fuck is Diego Garcia? Why are they going there, and why do they need to take a plane? Fuck if I know! I'll do the rest next time and leave you writhing in anticipation of the next installment. Which you can easily locate yourself here.


Last edited by fapfapfap on Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:05 pm

It's hilarious the author doesn't even hide the Sue's qualities. It's like, "NOPE! She's a vampire and she can walk in sunlight!"

Might as well make her sparkle, while you're at it, Suethor!
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:37 pm

In all fairness, Dracula, in the original novel, could walk around in the daylight just fine.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:50 pm

KJM wrote:
In all fairness, Dracula, in the original novel, could walk around in the daylight just fine.
But they didn't make a point of using that as a way to mark Dracula as a speshul snowflake. It was just how he was, and it didn't make him more or less remarkable.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 3:10 pm

Quote :
She was tall-sih, about 5ft 7in (With the heels)

Fucking hell, guys, I'm a giant.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 3:17 pm

grmblfjx wrote:
Quote :
She was tall-sih, about 5ft 7in (With the heels)
Fucking hell, guys, I'm a giant.
I was about to say. I mean, I think I am 5'7" with heels and I am preeeeety average. Unless she is writing this from an Asian country, I guess. Or wearing really short heels.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 7:11 pm

fapfapfap wrote:

Quote :
Roxanne is a vampire...but she's not your usual vampire, she's one who can eat normal food and walk in the sunlight.

So, what's the point of her being a vampire then? scratch Does this little detail play any role in the story whatsoever, other than adding to the long list of Sue-ish qualities? As far as I can see it isn't remarked on ever again (though I'm too lazy to click through to the actual story right now). It's like "vampire" has become fanbrat-speak for "generic supernatural abilities and stuff."

Quote :
If inspected closely, you could clearly see the words in Latin saying, *Domina Noctis* on one side and on the other side it said, also in latin, *Praesidio in lucem diei*.

1. That is not how you indicate a foreign language. Use quotation marks or italics, dumbass. Also plz to be keeping your capitalization consistent, thnx.

2. I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT THE MINUTE LETTERS ON HER RING SPELL OUT UNLESS SHE'S GOING TO PUNCH SOMEONE AND IMPRINT IT ON THEIR FACE. Then it will be amusing and worthy of note. Until then kindly shut the fuck up about it and find some other way to make your self-insert cardboard cut-out original character interesting.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 8:56 pm

fapfapfap wrote:


Quote :
Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.

...w...what? The fuck is Diego Garcia? Why are they going there, and why do they need to take a plane? Fuck if I know!


Diego Garcia is a Tropical island used by the British and Americans a Naval base and various other military things. Since it's isolated and restricted, that would make a better than average place to hide your 30-foot tall robots. Assuming they didn't rust.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:05 pm

William Shakespeare wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:


Quote :
Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.

...w...what? The fuck is Diego Garcia? Why are they going there, and why do they need to take a plane? Fuck if I know!


Diego Garcia is a Tropical island used by the British and Americans a Naval base and various other military things. Since it's isolated and restricted, that would make a better than average place to hide your 30-foot tall robots. Assuming they didn't rust.

Good for her for having collected that little factoid from somewhere, but... it doesn't seem she knows anything about it other than it's an isolated base. She doesn't even seem to know that it's an atoll... or that it's on the other side of the world.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:23 pm

fapfapfap wrote:
William Shakespeare wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:

Quote :
Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.
...w...what? The fuck is Diego Garcia? Why are they going there, and why do they need to take a plane? Fuck if I know!
Diego Garcia is a Tropical island used by the British and Americans a Naval base and various other military things. Since it's isolated and restricted, that would make a better than average place to hide your 30-foot tall robots. Assuming they didn't rust.
Good for her for having collected that little factoid from somewhere, but... it doesn't seem she knows anything about it other than it's an isolated base. She doesn't even seem to know that it's an atoll... or that it's on the other side of the world.

It is canon that the Transformers and NEST are based there. They also store Energon and an AllSpark shard there.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:32 pm

William Shakespeare wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:
William Shakespeare wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:

Quote :
Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.
...w...what? The fuck is Diego Garcia? Why are they going there, and why do they need to take a plane? Fuck if I know!
Diego Garcia is a Tropical island used by the British and Americans a Naval base and various other military things. Since it's isolated and restricted, that would make a better than average place to hide your 30-foot tall robots. Assuming they didn't rust.
Good for her for having collected that little factoid from somewhere, but... it doesn't seem she knows anything about it other than it's an isolated base. She doesn't even seem to know that it's an atoll... or that it's on the other side of the world.

It is canon that the Transformers and NEST are based there. They also store Energon and an AllSpark shard there.

Oh man, she was so paying way more attention than me during that movie. I am not ashamed to say that I didn't pick that up... I was probably busy playing my DS.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:50 am

Who knew this fanbrat had an attitude?

Quote :
Say what you want about it douche...It's not like I care. Don't like it...don't F*ing read it...simple. Oh and B.T.W: She has a RING that keeps her safe from the sun. She takes that off...she burns like a piece of paper. She's not one of these stupid, idiotic twilight fake vampires...she doesn't sparkle, she doesn't have venom, she also burns when confronted with holy water and a cross...she can be staked through the heart, which will dust her. You saying Roxie is like the fampires from Twilight, is like saying Angel is too...as he also has a ring to protect him from the daylight. Get your bloody facts straight before you review on someone's story...or don't bother reviewing. Get it? Got it? Good...now sod off.

Bite my head off, why don'tcha?
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 8:59 am

TheIan wrote:
Who knew this fanbrat had an attitude?

Quote :
Say what you want about it douche...It's not like I care. Don't like it...don't F*ing read it...simple. Oh and B.T.W: She has a RING that keeps her safe from the sun. She takes that off...she burns like a piece of paper. She's not one of these stupid, idiotic twilight fake vampires...she doesn't sparkle, she doesn't have venom, she also burns when confronted with holy water and a cross...she can be staked through the heart, which will dust her. You saying Roxie is like the fampires from Twilight, is like saying Angel is too...as he also has a ring to protect him from the daylight. Get your bloody facts straight before you review on someone's story...or don't bother reviewing. Get it? Got it? Good...now sod off.

Bite my head off, why don'tcha?

Man, girl is a serious Britophile too, huh? I have a hard time believing that anyone who is actually from the UK would go and bother to fetishistically spell out one of their own accents for the entire duration of a story. Another giveaway: she said she was in "college" in her profile.

Anyways, I guess I'd better get on with this.

Chapter 3 is one big clusterfuck of a flashback in which our leading lady is a pampered Victorian princess (though unbeknownst to the author, she was technically living on the cusp between the Elizibethan and Gregorian eras) living in Scotland at the end of the 17th century.

And of course, third sentence starts thusly:

Quote :
A young woman was being driven home by her personal driver, she was a beautiful young woman, her black hair tied up in a beautiful bun, her flesh pink both from the het of the night and the heat in the carriage, her ocean blue eyes were dusted in a pale pink that shimmered as the carriage passed numerous candle lit windows and her pouted soft lips were painted a stunning crimson.

I can't tell if it's the thought of something actually "dusting" my eyeballs, or the crappy metaphor that makes me want to close my eyes and go "ow".

She proceeds to bitch in the third person about how mean her parents are for wanting to set her up with a husband, and implies that they're unfair because they're doing it ONLY BECAUSE their marriage was arranged too. Which is funny because, like... I probably have more fingers and toes than the number of people who wed out of love in those days. Especially out of the gentry, which "Roxie" (don't get me started on the wtfery surrounding a Brit being given that name in the mid-1600's) is part of because her father is a Lord, btw.

Anyways, she's in this carriage when they "they [go] over something that [feels] like a bump". Turns out its a dude in the road (I guess he would have been easy to miss by the carriage driver what with all the shit and dead animals in the streets those days). But he's fine! Just a little dazed and confused, is all, with a few bumps and scratches, he'll be fine. Nope, no broken bones or ruptured organs, or torn this, or lacerated that. It's not like solid wooden carriages weigh anything, after all.

She takes him home, randomly puts him into some other dude's clothes for no reason whatsoever, he tells her his name, and then passes out. We get some really obvious hints that he's a vampire: not bleeding (she just noticed this, even though she was supposedly sitting with him for the duration of the ride back... unless she has a super fancy carriage that has multiple cabs or a trunk), and he's very cold.

CUT to everything being fine and dandy, and they're in looooove. Dude asks her dad to marry her, but he's DE-NIED. Butthurt happens:

Quote :
"Well, can yeh feel this...I hate yeh...an' I am goin' out, whether yeh like it 'r not" she said.

She ran past him, down the stairs and out of the Manor. She ran into the woods around her house, and then she felt someone grab ahold of her.

Anyone else picturing her doing laps around the property? Also my god the accent is seriously getting in the way of being able to read any of this crap.

Quote :
"I heard what happened...why dih yeh do it Jim?" She asked.

James looked at her.

"Because I love yeh Roxie...an' I wanted teh marry yeh before I ask yeh, if yeh wanted to join meh for all eternity" he said.

And then despite being in a forest, the guy (whose name is James, by the way) spots a cottage "a few miles down". They take refuge there, without so much as a mention of whether it's abandoned, or owned by someone, or even if it's fucking furnished or not. Instead, the author's in a rush to get to one of the most pointless sex scenes I've ever read:

Quote :
He pulled Roxanne along with him. They went to the cottage and James seduced her. After they both climaxed...James put his lips to her neck...and began to kiss it.

I guess Vampirerex1 really does think feeding vampires is hotter than sex. Anyways, he eats her neck and she gets hot n bothered by it, until he finally bites into her and drinks uh blad.

Quote :
After several moments, she felt something be pressed to her lips, and something thick, but watery slipping down her throat. For some reason, it tasted good. As the thing at her lips moved away, she moved with it and sealed her lips around it...sucking hard and feeling more of that beautiful, sweet substance flow down her throat. Then the sweet substance was taken away and her eyes opened.
...this honestly reads as though vampirism in this universe is spread by eating spooge.

And then some nonsensical stuff:

Quote :
Her hands flew to her throat as she heard her own voice perfectly clear, her eyes could see miniture specks of light in the darkness, and when she turned towards James, she could see him perfectly.

A passage like this would have had much more of an impact if the author had bothered to like... originally mention that the cottage was dark. Or that Roxanne couldn't... hear properly?

Quote :
"What are ye?" She asked.

He looked at her.

"Vampire" he said.

Quote :
Roxanne shook her head and ran out of the door...realising she could never go home. Her father was right about him...there was something bad about him.

THERE WAS SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HIM. BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T PUT HER FINGER ON IT...

Quote :
"Vampire" he said.

Time passes, she gets super emo about everything, tries to kill herself, but isn't really sad when her parents die or when she finds out they're looking for her because she'd disappeared herself. Just one of those "single, silent tear" moments before moving onto the next scene.

Then out of the blue she meets a druid in Spain sometime later (???):

Quote :
"Hey you...vampire...come here" she said.

Roxanne walked over to her and lifted an eyebrow.

"How dih yeh know I were a vampire?" She asked.

The druid woman put her finger to her lips and took Roxanne into her tent.

"You're not happy being what you are...are you?" She asked.

Roxanne shook her head.

"Then I can grant you two wishes...you can eat normal food, and this ring here...will grant you protection from the sun...you can live a normal life" she said.

Roxanne felt no different...but she took the ring.

"Thanks" she said.

She looked at the ring, and the druid woman chuckled.

"Domina Noctis...it means Lady of the night. And Praecidio in lucem diei...it means Protected from the light of day" she said.

Roxanne nodded and put it on.

What is this, the first Zelda game? It's honestly on par with old men hiding in caves waiting to give you swords and bombs.

In the next scene she almost vampirically molests a kid who turns out to be Lennox? Next cut explains that they "met again, and again".

And haha oh man this:

Quote :
Roxanne became a good friend of the family and Will walked in on Roxanne feeding on a human. He ran out, but Roxanne caught him.

"What are you?" Will asked.

Roxanne looked down.

"I'm a vampire" she said.

Will stayed where he was.

"A-and you feed off of humans?" He asked.

Roxanne nodded and looked at the now teenager...

"Aye, but I don't kill 'em" she said.

Will nodded but still shied away from her.

"I'm not going teh hurt yeh Will...I never have...and I've had plenty o' opportunities teh do so...when I first met yeh, you were bleedin', an' I wanted so bad teh kill yeh...but I din'eh...yeh wanna know why?" She asked.

Will looked at her.

"Because I thought of yeh life...ahead o' yeh. An' it woudn'eh be right if I killed yeh then. And I'm not gonna kill yeh now, or at any time" she said.

The man she was feeding off got up and was about to run, when Roxanne caught him. Her eyes flashed golden.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Yeh were out an' about, an' this rabid animal attacked yeh" she said.

The man stared at her...in a trance.

"A rabid animal attacked me...it just came out of nowhere, I didn't have time to do anything, it just came out of nowhere" he repeated.

Roxanne nodded and let him go...he ran off and Roxanne looked back at Will.



Quote :
One night, she went out for a walk, and she spotted this man...he looked like he was a gangster of some sort and she was feeling a little hungry...she went over to him, and he seemed to recognise what she was..

"Hey...don'eh kill meh...yeh don't look very happy...let me feed on yeh, an' I'll turn yeh" she said.

The man nodded and Roxanne fed on him, but got stopped when she heard a siren. She looked down at him, she hadn't taken much, and she also hadn't hit the jugular, but had hit a vein that had given her the blood she'd wanted. She looked down at him, and then ran off, the man stumbled to a vertical base and walked off.

"I'm going to kill her" he muttered to himself.

Uh... okay I guess this is the end of the chapter? Wh...



Yeah, sure, whatever you say Vampirerex1.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:39 am

Talk about being mature, this bitch blocked me from sending her PMs and reviews!
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 10:27 am

TheIan wrote:
Who knew this fanbrat had an attitude?

Quote :
Say what you want about it douche...It's not like I care. Don't like it...don't F*ing read it...simple. Oh and B.T.W: She has a RING that keeps her safe from the sun. She takes that off...she burns like a piece of paper. She's not one of these stupid, idiotic twilight fake vampires...she doesn't sparkle, she doesn't have venom, she also burns when confronted with holy water and a cross...she can be staked through the heart, which will dust her. You saying Roxie is like the fampires from Twilight, is like saying Angel is too...as he also has a ring to protect him from the daylight. Get your bloody facts straight before you review on someone's story...or don't bother reviewing. Get it? Got it? Good...now sod off.

Bite my head off, why don'tcha?

Jeez. And people think I have a tendency to overreact? Shocked This chick sounds like she's on the verge of a rage-induced aneurysm.

I mean, I can just picture Whatshername screaming those words in somebody's face, veins bulging on her forehead as she berates some unsuspecting soul who committed the unforgivable crime of pointing out her fanfic might be one iota below perfect...I'm no doctor, but judging by the sheer fury she spews out in that rant I'll bet even money her blood pressure is through the ceiling and she has anger management problems a mile deep. She's got more rage in her little finger than most badfic authors have in their entire bodies. She actually makes the crew over at Love-Shy look calm and mature(and that's saying something given their notorious antics).
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:14 pm

Chris91 wrote:
I mean, I can just picture Whatshername screaming those words in somebody's face, veins bulging on her forehead

...there wasn't even any capslock or a single exclamation mark. Where do you get this shit?


I just

I


I ACCIDENTALLY A WHOLE IGNORE LIST





...by the way, fapfapfap, I laughed.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:47 pm

Ian your review was fucking terrible and you should be ashamed. You deserve every bit of whiny butthurt attitude that fanbrat gave you.


Quote :
Oh geez...

OK. From the summary alone, this story is a complete disaster. A day-walking vampire Mary-Sue does not make for a good protagonist IN A TRANSFORMERS STORY. It's amazing your Sue doesn't sparkle.

You didn't pick out anything that's actually wrong with the story. Why is this story a disaster? Why is she a Mary Sue? You're just screaming YOU PUT A VAMPIRE IN A TRANSFORMERS STORY?! ZOMG YOU CAN'T DO THAT! AND VAMPIRES SUCK!!1

Come to think of it, this is the first time I've seen the statement "don't like don't read" actually apply, because bashing her story based on "the summary alone" makes it sound like you didn't even read the damn thing.

Not only did your review not contain not a single constructive comment that she could use to improve, it wasn't even funny. This story is utter shit and you couldn't even write a decent flame.

Given this worthless dribble of diarrhea you sharted out I think she's totally justified in blocking you.

TheIan wrote:
Talk about being mature, this bitch blocked me from sending her PMs and reviews!

WAAAHH I wrote a nasty pointless review and she blocked me!! What nerve. Also is 'bitch' the only insult you can come up with? Try a new one sometime, because that's really getting old.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:51 pm

Owlish wrote:
Ian your review was fucking terrible and you should be ashamed. You deserve every bit of whiny butthurt attitude that fanbrat gave you.
You're right, I did. I'm usually pretty bad about this sort of thing. Kind of a habit I never broke.


Quote :
Quote :
Oh geez...

OK. From the summary alone, this story is a complete disaster. A day-walking vampire Mary-Sue does not make for a good protagonist IN A TRANSFORMERS STORY. It's amazing your Sue doesn't sparkle.

You didn't pick out anything that's actually wrong with the story. Why is this story a disaster? Why is she a Mary Sue? You're just screaming YOU PUT A VAMPIRE IN A TRANSFORMERS STORY?! ZOMG YOU CAN'T DO THAT! AND VAMPIRES SUCK!!1
Yeah, hindsight tends to come back and bite me in the ass like that.

I think what I really meant to say was that Vampire OC's are so dime-a-dozen, this story isn't even remotely unique. And that adding a human vampire to a fandom about folding robots doesn't usually make for an interesting story.

Quote :
Come to think of it, this is the first time I've seen the statement "don't like don't read" actually apply, because bashing her story based on "the summary alone" makes it sound like you didn't even read the damn thing.

Not only did your review not contain not a single constructive comment that she could use to improve, it wasn't even funny. This story is utter shit and you couldn't even write a decent flame.
I usually do leave good reviews every once in a while for stories. I'm trying to work on doing that more often than just posting something on an impulse and not fully thinking it through.

Quote :
Given this worthless dribble of diarrhea you sharted out I think she's totally justified in blocking you.

TheIan wrote:
Talk about being mature, this bitch blocked me from sending her PMs and reviews!

WAAAHH I wrote a nasty pointless review and she blocked me!! What nerve. Also is 'bitch' the only insult you can come up with? Try a new one sometime, because that's really getting old.
Don't get me wrong, I know some other insults, bitch is just my default.

But you're right, Owlish. I'm a terrible person and I deserve every bit of this.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:20 pm

Well. Glad I'm doing the snark for this then.

CHAPTER 4: OPTIMUS PRIME

Not sure why the fuck it's called that, because Prime clearly isn't the main attraction of this chapter. Like, at all. It would have been more appropriate to call it:

CHAPTER 4: TRYING TO PLAY OFF SEXUAL TENSION LIKE ITS NOT SEXUAL TENSION

Now on with the show!

Quote :
When Roxanne, Will and Ironhide got to the base in Diego Garcia Roxanne saw it was in a shambles. She looked to Will and he shrugged.

The reason he gives for this is about as meaningful as the shrug, so I'm going to leave you with that. A few boring sentences later, and they come across Optimus in truck mode, who proceeds to transform:

Quote :
"Wow, un, feelin' a wee intimidated here" Roxanne said.

Optimus finished transforming and came down to Will's and Roxanne's level. Will stepped forward.

"Optimus...this is Roxanne. She's been my friend for...well, since I can remember really. Umm, I think she'll be useful in the rest of the war" he said.

Really, now. How d'you figure that? scratch Also, we're four chapters in and this is the first time we hear about something as potentially plot-driving as this? Why do I suspect that this will also be the last we hear of this...

So now is the typical Autobot introduction that every sue character must endure. This one just so happens to be a pretty good copy of what Optimus said in the movie. This is also the last thing he says or does during this chapter which is so aptly named after him. Why? Well, because the author gets sidetracked by more stupid vampire shit:

Quote :
"A'right Will...I'm feelin' a wee bit intimidated here, an' I'be beginnin' teh get hungry" she said.

He asks if she wants rations, and she declines. (Apparently the last time she'd eaten some was 80 years ago, but I guess vampires are very sensitive to aftertastes.)

So then the obvious happens.

Quote :
"You want some...?" He asked.

Roxanne nodded.

"Where can I get some?" She asked.

She finds out Lennox is talking about himself and she gets superupset! about it. We get another cute little snippet of godawful wtfery:

Quote :
"None of the others will let you Roxie...and there're no humans for a few miles, you'd be starved by the time you found one...

Like I said, I don't think she knows that Diego Garcia is an atoll in the middle of the ocean. I was also going to make a snark about why in the fuck would Lennox be the only human stationed there, but then the part about "none of the others will let you". Does that mean there ARE people nearby, but they won't let her? But ones that aren't so close would let her? Or was that in reference to her feeding on an... Autobot? Because something tells me that oil and freon aren't quite compositionally the same as blood.

But heh, that's probably just me reading too far into it. Cool

So Victorian Princess Roxie storms off, quite literally growling. CUT to more or less an identical scene, because I guess nothing interesting happened between that and her second encounter with Lennox pornographically shoving his neck in her face. I mean, it's not like there's Autobots sitting around, or an Ironhide she's supposed to be bonding with and romancing or anything.

Quote :
A few hours later

She was getting hungry.

Quote :
So hungry, that her eyes were beginning to change colour, from her beautiful blue, to the golden/brown they did when she was hungry. As she walked by humans, her nostrils flared and she could see the veins beneath their skin, her jaw began to ache as her fangs slipped into place, but she shook her head.

Ah, k, so there ARE other people there. What the fuck, Lennox?

And wow, thanks. Brown eyes are ugly, I guess.

Quote :
Then she felt a presence in front of her, she looked up to see Will.

He levitates now? That's the only way I can imagine someone not seeing something that's technically in front of them while they're looking ahead.

Anyways, she shambles off, but Will catches her as she almost falls over, and then this... thing happens:

Quote :
Will grabbed her tighter and exposed his throat again.

"Take a look Roxie...take a good look...do you see the artery? Pulsing with all my blood...can you hear it? The force with which it's being pumped around my body? Don't you long to taste it?" He asked.

Roxanne looked, and her jaw ached again, but she looked away.

"I WELL NAWT FEED FROM YEW!" She shouted.

She stumbled off again and this time Will grabbed her and slapped her around the face, she growled, and he did it again.

"Feed from me Roxie..." he said.

She shook her head and he slapped her again.

"Feed...from...me" he said.

Roxie shook her head again. Will slapped her again.

"FEED FROM ME!" He shouted.

:

Fuck even is this?

So she play-threatens him for the helluvit (author has to try and make Roxie look like a badass as some point, I guess), but instead goes for the wrist.

CUT to this:

Quote :
"With my hunger Will, I could've killed you. I have done it before, and, aye, while I'm none too happy about it...I can do it again, and I probably will. You shouldn't trust me Will, I'm a natural 'born' killer, I'm at the top of the food chain, past the Lions in Africa, the Great White's in the sea, I..am the top predator" she said.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Cue herpderp angsty shit about not being able to trust, and not trusting herself cause she's a monster or something. Ends stupidly again.

--

Man, this makes me want to get back to my own TF fic cause it's not shit. bbl writing.

EDIT: Just found her ff.net forum RP featuring her and her friend as they go off into Transformerland: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Glorious.
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Howithurts
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:16 pm

Owl, brah, I hate to break it to you, but Ian's not actually doing the snark.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:57 pm

TheIan wrote:
But you're right, Owlish. I'm a terrible person and I deserve every bit of this.

Hey now, I never said you're a terrible person. You just wrote a shitastic review. Wink Just put a little more effort into it next time.


fapfapfap wrote:
Quote :
"A'right Will...I'm feelin' a wee bit intimidated here, an' I'be beginnin' teh get hungry" she said.

He asks if she wants rations, and she declines. (Apparently the last time she'd eaten some was 80 years ago, but I guess vampires are very sensitive to aftertastes.)

So, the minute they're on an island in the middle of nowhere she gets hungry? And it never occurred to her, gee I'm going somewhere where there's no food and maybe I should eat something beforehand! The question is whether the author intentionally set up this pointless conflict for the wangst or whether she just lost track of her own story and thought, hey convenient dramaz!!1


Howithurts wrote:
Owl, brah, I hate to break it to you, but Ian's not actually doing the snark.

derp

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Sun Oct 09, 2011 5:02 pm

fapfapfap wrote:
Man, is TF really the new HP and LotR? I haven't read awful descriptors like these in AGES. This sounds like a gothy 10th walker elf girl here, or whatever that translates to in Potter-world

Either a third possible prophecy subject, a second surviving Syltherin descendant or a member of a new Hogwarts house.

I may have to look into this further... Twisted Evil

ETA; So... this is basically Sam getting pursued by a more assertive version of Twilight's Bella?
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:51 pm

Freezer wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:
Man, is TF really the new HP and LotR? I haven't read awful descriptors like these in AGES. This sounds like a gothy 10th walker elf girl here, or whatever that translates to in Potter-world

Either a third possible prophecy subject, a second surviving Syltherin descendant or a member of a new Hogwarts house.

I may have to look into this further... Twisted Evil

ETA; So... this is basically Sam getting pursued by a more assertive version of Twilight's Bella?

I guess, except she's supposed to be a romantic interest for Ironhide, despite apparently enjoying herself much more by being a cocktease for Lennox.

--

To prime you for the next chapter, here's this little nugget from her nonsensical (avant-garde?) sex-fueled transformers RP:
Quote :
After seven long hours of teasing Jazz, he was upset to admit, that I had won the bet. I smiled at him and helped him get rid of his very painful arousal.
Really? You were dancing and hip-grinding him for 7 hours?

--

CHAPTER 5: VAMPIRE VS AUTOBOT?

Quote :
Sorry, no Roxie in this chapter...mentions of her, but she won't actually appear

So the chapter in which is supposed to include vampires AND autobots, there are no vampires. I don't think the author knows what "vs" means.

We start off with Autobots dicking around, and apparently with nothing better to do than talk about this girl that Lennox randomly brings to an military base in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Then again, I'd be questioning his abilities as an officer if he did such a stupid, pointless thing, too. A waste of taxpayer money is what that is.

Chapter continues on while the Autobots make more observations that we're already well aware of from Vampirerererex1 hammering it into our heads, like "she's cold". Though apparently:

Quote :
she does not have the scent of the human substance called sweat

So it doesn't matter if she does or doesn't, the fact of the matter is that she smells like black roses all the time. Wow, how moronic can you get? Really? Her idea of a perfect female character includes the ability to not ever have to deal with BO? What is this, an article for Cosmo? That's like Lennox pointing out that he'd never seen her clip her toenails or cleaned her ears or pick the gunk out of the corner of her eye. I wonder if the author's ideal breed of vampire doesn't take shits either.

Ironhide is summoned to help piece the puzzle together!

Quote :
"Have you noticed something odd about the human femme William brought to meet us today?" He asked.

Ironhide nodded.

"Yes...when she got into my alt form, I-she did not feel the same as normal humans do, more cold, and she knew I was not a normal truck. William knows something about her that he is not telling us. When he went outside with her earlier, I smelt his endorphins spike...that could mean two things..." he said.

She could have given him a hit of morphine, too, you know. I know I would have wanted one from being around her.

Anyways, kaaaaay fine obvious conclusion is obvious:

Quote :
"Indeed. Either he had intense pleasure, or intense pain" he said.

WHOA.

WHOA.

WHOA.

YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND TAKE THAT, IRONHIDE?

Quote :
Ironhide nodded.

Wow, what a pushover. Remind me, author, how this romance is supposed to bud, exactly?

Then random cut to this passage:

Quote :
Johnny growled angrily as he patrolled the streets of Mission City.

"Where is she? Where is that vampire bitch?" He asked himself.

He continued to look around, a wooden stake in his hand and holy water around his neck.

"I'll find you Roxanne, and when I do, I'll make you pay for what you did" he said.

Just another crazy meth-head who thinks he's Batman roaming the streets of Mission City.

Anyways, back to the Autobots!

Quote :
"I noticed that when she got aroused around me, her heartbeat...well, there was no heartbeat" Ironhide said.
Not exactly sure how that can happen, since like, a huge part of being aroused is the whole rush of blood to the genital area. If her blood circulation doesn't... exist... h-what.

Quote :
"Indeed, I noticed that with her when she was watching me transform. There were the signs of intimidation, but unlike with Samual, there was no increased heartbeat...in fact, I do not believe I could sense a heartbeat at all" he said.

"She was sexually aroused when I transformed, but I guess that it happens so often in TF fanfic that none of us care anymore."

And who's Samual?

Quote :
Ratchet nodded.

Quote :
"That I should talk to her. After all, I am the one she met first, and she seems to be quite intimidated by you and primus knows what will happen if Ratchet talks to her" he said.

Okay, I guess this is where the romance starts or something? And tell us, what would happen if Ratchet talked to her? Because I'm trying really hard to come up with a legitimate reason why that would be bad, and I'm having a hard time coming up with anything. Oh nonsense story points, how I love thee~

Quote :
Optimus thought this over.

"That is true. Alright Ironhide, you will talk to her. However, do not just ask her out-right, you must build up to it" he said.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Ends with .

Quote :
"I have faith in Ironhide. I am sure he will be able to coax Roxanne to tell him about herself" he said.

Awesome. Dry
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:40 am

fapfapfap wrote:
What is this, an article for Cosmo?
I think I love you a little. God, I hate Cosmo. Every couple of years when I am in the mood for a good rage and a spike in bloodpressure, I buy one.





Quote :
Quote :
"I noticed that when she got aroused around me, her heartbeat...well, there was no heartbeat" Ironhide said.
Not exactly sure how that can happen, since like, a huge part of being aroused is the whole rush of blood to the genital area. If her blood circulation doesn't... exist... h-what.
That's the whole probem with vampire porn fiction in general though, isn't it? How can Edward make babbies? How can vampires cry? Or bleed? The most plausible expanation I've seen for anything so far was that someone had their vampire protagonist say he kept breathing out of habit.





Quote :
Quote :
"I have faith in Ironhide. I am sure he will be able to coax Roxanne to tell him about herself" he said.

Awesome. Dry
Yeah, we definitely haven't heard enough about her.
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PostSubject: Re: UNBREAK MY SPARK   Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:49 am

grmblfjx wrote:
fapfapfap wrote:
What is this, an article for Cosmo?
I think I love you a little. God, I hate Cosmo. Every couple of years when I am in the mood for a good rage and a spike in bloodpressure, I buy one.

You might like this series: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
No need to buy another Cosmo mag ever again! Excitedplz


grmblfjx wrote:

That's the whole probem with vampire porn fiction in general though, isn't it? How can Edward make babbies? How can vampires cry? Or bleed? The most plausible expanation I've seen for anything so far was that someone had their vampire protagonist say he kept breathing out of habit.

Truthfully I haven't read a vampire book since middle school (10 years ago for me), and when I did, it was the first couple books from Atwater-Rhodes' "Den of Shadows" series. I don't remember her mentioning any vampires getting aroused or feeling any kind of reproductive urges, so it's not something I've thought about until it's smacked me in the face from being written so poorly. :B

Lol, tell me Rice does a better job?
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