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 Yet another Sueko story

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TheIan
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PostSubject: Yet another Sueko story   Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:19 pm

Optimus Christ, Vampire Hunter. Zuko is every prepubescent fanbrat's wet-dream. Why is it he gets so much attention and paired with Sues or Katara? Because in The Young Lady of Legends, Zuko is paired with a Sue who, according to the author:

Quote :
She was a shy, self-centred and overall lazy dreamer from our world, transported to the world of Avatar where she's the stuff of some sort of legend. She also can't continue being lazy, not if a certain agitated prince gets his way. ZukoXOcc
Yeah, it's gonna be one of those fics.

Also, what the fuck is an Occ?

It finally begins with Zuko in his room, doing what most brooding exiled Princes with anger-issues do.

Quote :
He was trained in the art of his Fire Bending, and this form of mediation was simple to him.
I'm not so sure that's going to help you in the midst of a negotiation, Zuko.

Quote :
Still the prince concentrated, but a small portion of his mind was focusing on what had just happened to him, hours ago. He had let the Avatar slip from his grasp, he'd been so close to regaining his lost honour, and then…
"I'll get you next time, Gadget Avatar! Next time!!"

Quote :
In the back of his mind, the young prince heard their voices:

"Your sister was born lucky – you, on the other hand, were lucky to born!"

"You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher!"
"Uuuuuuuuse the Celtic GUAAAAAAARDIAN ZUUUUUUKOOOOO~!"

This all doesn't build up to anything in particular, in fact the next scene is the exact same this. Only we focus on the Sue now.

Quote :
The young lady's eyes were closed, as tears slid silently down her face, messing up her eyeliner and mascara.
Fuck this, I quit. Man, there is nothing else this author could write to make me care for this character. First sentence, and we're supposed to care that her make-up is running?

Quote :
In front of her on the coffee table in a vase was a single red rose that was losing its petals and a cup of green tea.
What the fuck does this have to do with the story? What relevance, or importance does this detail have? Why is it so important you think you need to point it out here? It does nothing to make your character's setting any more interesting.

And then, we get into the juicy exposition that provides even less information. Check this shit out.
Quote :
On the TV, a movie sat paused, on the scene of a movie she had bought without permission.

She had bought it without permission, like she had done so many other things without permission, and now she was paying the price for those things.
Take a drink every time the word 'permission' is used. Here's an idea, author: Expand your vocabulary!

Quote :
They were going to lock her out of her room, stop her from doing the things he loved, the things that kept her going. She couldn't fathom it…

Why the fuck am I supposed to care about this character? If we're supposed to care for this character, author, don't be so goddamn vague about it.

Quote :
In the back of her mind, the young lady heard their voices:

"You're a useless, lazy, selfish, worthless bitch!"

"If hitting you is the only way I can make you learn, then so be it!"
"Ghost Nappa is in your fic, fucking shit up."

Quote :
The young lady's entire body was shaking now, and the side of her face was turning bright red where her Father had struck her. So what if she did things like buy DVD's or go on the internet without permission? Was that any reason to hit her, or swear at her like they did?
Is the audience supposed to care? To be continued...



...Right now.

Skip to yet another scene, and...I will admit, this part was done pretty well. I mean it! But the thing about it? It's too long. It chews up more scenery than the main characters.

Quote :
Tai Li-Jun hadn't been watching them but, of course, the young goddess sensed the discomfort of the yin and yang spirits, and ran through the halls to the Courtyard Of Rain.
To get through this courtyard, she had to open the Gate of Justifiable Flatulence, by solving the fabled puzzle of Vintusler with the blood of an ogre found only in the Cellar of the Amnesiac Sock-folder.

Quote :
"Qi-Feng!" Tai Li-Jun called, nearly tripping over her robes in her hurry. "Qi-Feng! Your fish spirits are glowing pink again!"
"Aw, shit, I need to change the filter again? Six-month guarantee my ass."

So these celestial sucktards are here solely for the purpose of chewing scenery, wasting time and progressing the plot.

Quote :
"We're not talking about the fish anymore, are we?" The lady by the pond turned around, and Tai Li-Jun gasped. It was not Qi-Feng at all with whom she was talking, but the lady of Mercy, Kwan Yin.
She's only called Lady of Mercy for what she does in the Dungeon of Leather, Pain and Tears.

This whole scene is written well, I'll give the author that much credit, but there is more padding here than an eighth grader with boob-envy.

Wading through the rest of the crap in this scene, we get something that actually seems to tie in what relevance this scene has.

Quote :
"Ah, yes," Kwan Yin agreed. "But, in these areas, she will learn and, give time, he will teach her. She will master her skills as Priestess eventually, but to succeed she must put in more effort than she has been recently. It will not be easy for her. She is going to have to put others before herself for a change, but I believe she can do it. And she, in turn, will be able to reach his heart. But, even before that happens…" A small smile played on her painted lips. "I believe they'll have a hard time leaving each other alone…" The smile did not extend to her eyes, however, and she thought: But, if that is the case, then we may have more trouble to contend with…she'll have to guard that power within her until the time is right…the prince won't be the only one who becomes aware of it…
In other words, "Let's dedicate development to the one character no one will like throughout the extent of this story."

It takes the author an entire three scenes before the audience can have any interest. Bad idea, author.

So now the Sue will cross into Zuko's world WITH THE POWER OF PINK, MOTHERFUCKER!

Quote :
The prince was speechless, as he turned around and saw that a pink light had appeared in the middle of his room and…was that a figure, appearing in the light?

It was…

A female, to be exact, appearing in the beam of pink light. He could tell it was a girl, became of the curves where girls had curves, although he had definitely seen girls who were more curvy than this one…but how was it that she was appearing in his room, and in pink light of all things?
Oh Zuko, I'd have thought by now with all the Sues you've been with, you never question how they enter your world. My mistake.

Quote :
She's not bad looking… Prince Zuko thought, surprising himself slightly.


The rest of their interaction first time is awkward, stupid, and just outright ridiculous. And I'm done. Fuck this shit! Fuck it all to fucking hell!

This story could have been handled better. But the author decides padding and scene-chewing is supposed to trump exposition and establishment.
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Trioculus
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:10 pm

At first glance of the thread, I thought the title was "Yet another Sucko story". Which would work just as well.

Quote :
Also, what the fuck is an Occ?

It must be an Occupational Character Class from the Rifts role playing game. Good grief, it makes so much sense--this is a game where people bamfing in from other dimensions (Palladium Fantasy RPG) or other properties they license(d) (Robotech, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) is encouraged and practically canon.

Super special Sue from another dimension? No problem. Just outfit her with some high powered magic, a mecha, and a dinosaur pet packing a Mega Damage laser rifle capable of blowing holes through entire fleets of wooden ships, and you're all set.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:31 pm

god Ian I can't believe you're whining about things like, oh, A ONE-LINE DESCRIPTION OF THE ROOM SHE'S IN.

ps why the fuck are you shitting up new releases with this generic mary sue fic

fucking seriously

expand your damn horizons already
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Fri Sep 23, 2011 7:27 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
Reeeeee
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KJM
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:09 pm

Trioculus wrote:
It must be an Occupational Character Class from the Rifts role playing game.
Leave Rifts out of this.
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:16 pm

'Own Canon Character' would be my guess.
I just read it. The story is balls.
Also boring and filled with plot holes.

Oh and thanks Ian.

I now require someone to point me in the direction of OPTIMUS CHRIST: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

I wanna Watch, Dammit! Angry
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Sara Jaye
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:55 pm

Oh joy, another "Wangsty!Sue gets transported to the author's favorite canon and hooks up with the boy of the author's dreams" fic.
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Sheba
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:19 pm

I like to assume that Occ means her character is an ocelot; at least those are cute.

Daaaaaw, just wookit da ears!!!

Also, what Sara said.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:37 pm

Sheba wrote:
I like to assume that Occ means her character is an ocelot; at least those are cute.

Daaaaaw, just wookit da ears!!!

Also, what Sara said.
My heart asploded.
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Vilecat

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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Fri Sep 30, 2011 1:06 pm

Trioculus wrote:
Super special Sue from another dimension? No problem. Just outfit her with some high powered magic, a mecha, and a dinosaur pet packing a Mega Damage laser rifle capable of blowing holes through entire fleets of wooden ships, and you're all set.
Hey, don't mix my adorable Wexter in these terribad fics now No
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PostSubject: Re: Yet another Sueko story   Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:20 pm

Sheba wrote:
I like to assume that Occ means her character is an ocelot; at least those are cute.

Daaaaaw, just wookit da ears!!!

Also, what Sara said.

Shocked Holy crap! Disney Eyes!
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