Full Life Consequences!

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I'm surprised this one hasn't been done yet, but I searched and couldn't find anything. This is one I found on Youtube - the video reading of it was so funny, but what really gets me is, as a concept, it really is not that bad. It could work, but it's so badly written that it fails on just about every level - not just the spelling and grammar but the whole narrative! That is why I'm posting it here.

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John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

This is the introduction to the lead character, John Freeman. All we know about him at this point is that he's Gordon Freeman's brother, and works in an office. No further description follows. We don't even know if this occurs before, during, or after, the events of the first Half Life game.

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John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

Why, exactly, is it necessary for him to be a stunt biker? Driving a motorbike off an office building is a surefire way to wreck it.

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John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.

This is where it gets really silly. The headcrab zombies from Half Life are mindless creatures that attack anything that moves. There is no way in the world that one would attempt to give someone a speeding fine, even if it was a police officer previously! They maintain none of the living person's characteristics, otherwise every headcrab zombie from Half Life would be highly intelligent and capable of far more than running at you and hitting you.

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"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

What happened to him "not having weapon"? Mistakes like this litter the entire story. The grammar, I could forgive (providing the author's first language isn't English - and that's a fairly easy fix anyway) but he should at least keep the narrative consistent.

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John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

You can just feel how his courage almost deserts him but his brotherly love gives him the strength and determination to continue, can't you?

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Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

So many things wrong here I don't even know where to start.

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John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

So...the author refuses to give us any more information about this antagonist other than pointing out that he's the "final boss". Who is this "final boss"? What does he look/sound/fight like? Come on! Not everyone who reads this will have played Half Life to its conclusion, you can't assume that everyone knows the game inside out!

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Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.

Apparently the "final boss" wasn't as "final" as the author would have us believe. He is now superceded by one simply called "the next boss" - again, no description of any kind.

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"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

Whose lungs are these, and why did he climb to the top of them?

There are three more chapters to this, and it is all written in a similar style. If the author could keep his narrative straight, describe things a bit more, take a bit of trouble to actually set the scenes and explore the characters' feelings, then it could actually be quite a good story. A little background on the characters would help too. And you can't assume that everyone who reads this is familiar with all of the backstory and events of the game, even if most of its readers will be.

I think no one ever put up the old snarks from GAFF or HoBFF.


This is one of my two favorite bad fanfics, because I can show it to people who aren't into fanfic, and they still find it funny.

I still wonder why JOHN FREEMAN must 'walk real fast' instead of running places. Squirrelking is apparently aware of the verb 'to run,' since he uses it elsewhere. But John never does. He always walks everywhere. O.o

e: Request that this thread get moved to the Golden Oldies?

The whole of Squirrelking's works are entirely troll-fics. It's like The Room. It's so bad, it's almost good.

I was under the impression that SquirrelKing was a child when he wrote this stuff. I thought he was, like, 11 or something?

Is that "Best of GAFF" still around here somewhere, or did it get lost in the moves? Something like that would be useful to show the newcomers.

EileenK98 wrote:

Is that "Best of GAFF" still around here somewhere, or did it get lost in the moves? Something like that would be useful to show the newcomers.

You mean like the Worst of Fanfiction List, "The Gaffapedia" that is stickied right at the top of the Golden Oldies?

I believe his profile used to link to the Something Awful thread where the author exposed himself. At any rate, the twitter links to the same guy.

From the first sequel, "Halflife:FullLife Consequences 2:WhatHasTobeDone", which interestingly enough looks like it was written for TvTropes formatting (I'm fairly certain this was written before TvT made it big.)

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John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him. John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out.

Besides the redundancy, the first sentence reads like he's given up and is trying to get away from it all. I think I'll stick with this context as it paints Mr. Freeman as a complex, traumatized veteran in the following section.

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John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.

"Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud.

John Freeman picked up a laser gun and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.

I love how Squirrelking seeks to recreate the fully interactive environment of the source material. I also wonder if there's any HLFLC artwork of this scene that shows the mother bird with an aerosol can spraying the eggs with her scent again (and I wonder if this inadvertent act of potential destruction by Mr. Freeman was a deliberate error on SK's part)

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"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.

Emphasis mine. Again, the anguish of John Freeman is so great he's apparently seeing hallucinations of men.

Our hero then find the "next boss's" weakness on the internet, and takes the time to check his email.

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"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!" then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

Even Tara knew to start a new paragraph for a new speaker.

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John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle. He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.

John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.

I don't believe it was ever established in the HLFLC canon how "zombie goasts" can be killed. I'm gonna assume it's a Silent Hill thing where they're all in crazy!John Freeman's head and his need to fight against the "enemies" allows him to do so.

Also, why didn't he just run them over?

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John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.

For all the talk of John Freeman being a parody stu, I think this section establishes him as sucking at stealth. Does that work with failing to save Gordon Freeman to make him an anti-stu?

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The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

Fun fact: in early versions of The Sims 3, when clothing could still be purchased, growing 10 excellent steaks would have unlocked the pants tree.

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John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down.

[...]

Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

I understand this sort of plothole was deliberate, but if Gordon Freeman was indeed crushed, how was there enough for the headcrab to live off of?

Pengwolf wrote:

I believe his profile used to link to the Something Awful thread where the author exposed himself. At any rate, the twitter links to the same guy.

I'm glad somebody else pointed this out before I had to and then make a poorly written transition between that point and my favourite videos that stem from the original dramatic reading/garry's mod videos.

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then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

This part makes me laugh...if that was a faster motorbike, why didn't he use that one to start with, since he was late and had to go "faster like the speed of sound"?

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I don't believe it was ever established in the HLFLC canon how "zombie goasts" can be killed. I'm gonna assume it's a Silent Hill thing where they're all in crazy!John Freeman's head and his need to fight against the "enemies" allows him to do so.

I don't think it was actually established what "zombie goasts" are! Again, they are only mentioned in passing, as though the author expects the reader to know this.

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The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.

I also like the way he had to travel back to the office, load up his computer and surf the net to find out that a rocket would kill the "next boss". Did he type "next boss's weakness" into Google? Also, what kind of office has rocket launchers lying around in the car park (which is on the roof and includes a ramp)?

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The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

Apparently "pants" grow very fast in this world. Also, is there a reason the author always uses his full name, and never once calls him "John"?

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"John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

So what's the difference between a zombie goast and a headcrab zombie? Judging by his previous interaction with the zombie goasts, they are not the same thing, so how does Gordon Freeman become "zombie goast" by a headcrab? What the hell is a zombie goast anyway??

Finally, there is no transition between the end of the second chapter, and the start of the third chapter, "Hero Beggining", and there is no explanation for how John Freeman left Gordon Freeman (who now is "zombie goast") and ended up joining the "humens" to fight the "combines". My best guess is that he simply abandoned Gordon Freeman to his fate as "zombie goast", and the events in "Hero Beggining" happen some time later, since the "combines" need time to "put science in".

I actually just went and googled next boss weakness. The TvTropes page is the first result.

Nobody has done it because, at this point, there's no need.

It is hard to find much to say when dealing with trollfics.

Reminds me of a recent "discovery": a Jesus version of Full-Life Consequences 2 with St-Peter firing laser guns from a carriage amongst other things. Sadly I can't find the 1st part.

Jesus: Fulllife Consequences 2 on dA

Shouldn't this one be in "Golden Oldies"?