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 Princess of the Fortress

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Dr. Quinzel
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PostSubject: Princess of the Fortress   Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:24 pm

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See all of those characters up there? They're pretty much all either assholes, aggressive, crazy, or an endearing mix of these features (Engineer actually seems like a pretty all right guy, but Soldier makes up for his appeared stability by being [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]). For those of you who do not know, Hat Team Fortress 2 is a first person shooter where two teams of mercenaries (RED and BLU) try to kill each other for briefcases of intelligence and land. Yeah, there's an actual plot that's going on in this cartoony universe, but it really doesn't need mentioning because this fic barely touches upon it!

This riveting tale is called [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] by [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], where her self-insert character mysteriously finds herself in the Team Fortress 2 universe! Because really, who doesn't want to be in the company of homicidal stereotypes?

The story literally starts off as a Dark and Stormy Night™️ as our Mary Sue, Nicole Anderson, hails a cab.

Quote :
"Where are you headed to, Miss?"

"To the Railway Apartments of 34th Street, it's just down the road."
Cabbie: 34th Street? Nothing over there but porn of everything imaginable.
Nicole: Including Team Fortress...?
Cabbie: You kidding? More HeavyxMedic than you can shake a stick at!
Nicole: Schlick

After some attempts at poetically describing the weather and a blurb about what Nicole looks like (she's pretty much wearing all black clothes, surprise, surprise), the cabbie makes small talk with her. So far, the story isn't actually that bad and the grammar itself sets it above some of the other abominations floating around. It isn't until Nicole points out her stop to the driver and the guy completely ignores her that we enter facepalm territory.

Quote :
"Make a turn over here, this is my stop." She informed the driver, pointing at the sign.

"Right then." He responded.

The bright red traffic light quickly turned to a cool green and the cab took off.

Nicole's heart skipped an entire beat. "Um…my stop was over there."

The driver nodded. "Yes, it was over there, wasn't it?"

Nicole frowned. "Um…is there a problem?"

"Nope, not at all."

Nicole's twiddled her thumbs even faster, uttering no words.
So...he blatantly drives past where she wants him to stop and this is how she responds? I wonder if she's just as passive about getting her head dunked into a toilet.
It isn't until the cab driver pulls into an alleyway and stops that our brave protagonist decides to speak up, but to her shock and surprise, there was a different person in the driver's seat!

Quote :
The old, pale taxi driver was no longer there. The man that took his place wore a fine red suit with a bright scarlet tie, slim black gloves, and a dark-red ski mask to hide his identity. He faced her, smiling wickedly at her. "What's the matter, chéri?" He asked in a thick French accent, "Cat got your tongue?"
That's right, it was the RED Spy all along, but let's ignore the fact that he's being a terrible spy and not wonder why the hell he's doing this. Let's look at this dazzling dialogue:

Quote :
"B-B-B-But…" Nicole stammered, "Wasn't that other guy just right there a few seconds ago?"

"Whatever you do, don't open the back trunk." The man let out a sinister cackle.
Rather than going 'Holy shit!' and getting the hell out of there, Nicole goes the route of stupid damsel in distress.

Quote :
Nicole gasped in shock. "You…killed him? But how did you…and what-? Ah!" Her train of thought was scattered everywhere across her mind, quickly losing focus.
Nicole apparently doesn't have a flight or fight response, or maybe it's malfunctioning. Either way, the only thing she does is scream when Spy grabs her and injects her with what I assume to be tranquilizer. But don't worry, our Mary Sue has just enough time to attempt some realistic, in-depth thoughts before passing out.

Quote :
If there were three things she found wrong with this, they were that she was in a taxi cab alone with someone she didn't know, riding during a stormy night, and could do nothing at all to save herself from a kidnapping.

Then she faded into unconsciousness.
Because you definitely have time to rationally think when you're being knocked out by a dangerous stranger. Curse those pesky Dark and Stormy Nights™️ and the terrible things that always happen during them!

That's the end of the first chapter and, while it should go without saying, it gets a lot worse from here.
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:34 pm

The title alone guarantees that.
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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:38 pm

A princess will get her brains blown out in her first 20 seconds in THIS fortress.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:08 am

I'm not sure a Princess would do that badly... pretty sure Miss Pauling could pwn all of them!
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:19 am

Ohgod, Heavy/Medic? Is that...really a thing? I mean, Rule 34, so I guess it must be, but...THE IMAGES. I'm really glad I haven't read any TF2 slash now. D:

Maybe the RED team just wants to kidnap her in order to throw her off a balcony and use that as a momentary distraction for the BLU team? That's the only explanation I can think of for this...
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Sat Aug 13, 2011 3:10 am

Happenstance wrote:
Ohgod, Heavy/Medic? Is that...really a thing? I mean, Rule 34, so I guess it must be, but...THE IMAGES. I'm really glad I haven't read any TF2 slash now. D:

Are you serious? 99% of TF2-related stuff is LOLOLOL HEAVY AND MEDIC ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER LOLOLOL.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Sat Aug 13, 2011 6:33 am

I could just hear the Administrator over the intercom after a victory for either side: "Your Princess is in another complex!"
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:56 pm

Penguin wrote:
Happenstance wrote:
Ohgod, Heavy/Medic? Is that...really a thing? I mean, Rule 34, so I guess it must be, but...THE IMAGES. I'm really glad I haven't read any TF2 slash now. D:

Are you serious? 99% of TF2-related stuff is LOLOLOL HEAVY AND MEDIC ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER LOLOLOL.

I just got into the game a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't gone looking for fics yet. Now I kind of want to, though. Sounds...fruitful.
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:41 pm

Please tell me this evolves into a crossover between TF2 and Fat Princess.
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Dr. Quinzel
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:25 pm

Happenstance wrote:
Penguin wrote:
Happenstance wrote:
Ohgod, Heavy/Medic? Is that...really a thing? I mean, Rule 34, so I guess it must be, but...THE IMAGES. I'm really glad I haven't read any TF2 slash now. D:

Are you serious? 99% of TF2-related stuff is LOLOLOL HEAVY AND MEDIC ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER LOLOLOL.

I just got into the game a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't gone looking for fics yet. Now I kind of want to, though. Sounds...fruitful.
Slash is really prevalent in the fandom. Not a fan of it myself, I more like to see the team as the broest of bros, but if it's slash that you want you go to [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.](NWS).

ALSO, working on more snarky reviewing, though other people are welcome to do so (because I'm not all that funny, honestly).

Kommandar wrote:
Please tell me this evolves into a crossover between TF2 and Fat Princess.
This fic would be a lot better if it did.
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:45 pm

Happenstance wrote:
Penguin wrote:
Happenstance wrote:
Ohgod, Heavy/Medic? Is that...really a thing? I mean, Rule 34, so I guess it must be, but...THE IMAGES. I'm really glad I haven't read any TF2 slash now. D:

Are you serious? 99% of TF2-related stuff is LOLOLOL HEAVY AND MEDIC ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER LOLOLOL.

I just got into the game a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't gone looking for fics yet. Now I kind of want to, though. Sounds...fruitful.

No, I meant it when I said "TF2-related stuff." Note that doesn't specify fan fiction. Fan art, videos, pretty much everything is Heavy/Medic. Or at least, it used to be for a long time, but it's mellowed out recently, and... now, you get stuff like this.

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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:50 pm

Kirby was born to be a Spy.
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Dr. Quinzel
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Fri Oct 21, 2011 5:50 pm

As we go into chapter two, we have a complete change of perspective! It starts off with the RED team (minus Spy) crowding around the knocked out Nicole, and we get probably the only paragraph of description in this entire chapter.

Quote :
The RED team grouped themselves around the unconscious young girl, her beige skin now covered in dust, her dark-brown hair in its ponytail was frizzy and a complete mess. A few scratches and cuts covered her hands and face, her clothing covered in dirt and even a few tears.
The Medic knelt down to the girl and pressed his two fingers against her neck. "Ah, zhere is a pulse! She still lives!"
Medic: Wunderbar! I am alvays short on living test subjects! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The team babbles on about what they're going to do about her and the only person with a believable reaction to all of this is Scout, who is the only one that is at least slightly in character. Although everyone is a little surprised at first, most of them accept the situation as if they just found a stray and thought 'oh, why not let it stay?'

Actually, why the hell is she just lying there in the middle of no where? Did Spy leave her there when he remembered he had better things to do? It's a mystery for now. Medic eventually uses his Medigun (aka magic healing gun for non-TF2 fans) on her and she wakes up.

Quote :
"What's going on? Please tell me this is a dream! Who are you guys? What do you want from me? Where am I? This has to be some kind of dream!"
"Wow… girls… they're freakin' crazy!" Scout snickered to himself.
Not all girls, Scout. Just this one.

Despite the initial freakout from our sue, she calms down unrealistically fast and starts asking questions.

Quote :
"Vell, fraulein, I am zhe Medic of zhe Reliable Excavation und Demolition. Name's Klaus."
You know, there's exaggerating accents in dialogue and completely butchering them like a moron. Guess which camp this falls into?

Much to the aggravation of anyone happening to read this, the Medic proceeds to introduce all the characters by their class and first names (save for Pyro, who apparently doesn't have a first name, and we find out Spy's name, but he isn't even there). This could be avoided by just calling them by their 'code names', but why do that when you can give them unsuitable names and confuse the audience?

Quote :
Klaus smiled as he helped Nicole up. "Nice to see you, Miss Anderson. Zhis is zhe RED team. Our Scout's name is Jacob…"

"It's Jake, Doc!" The Scout interrupted.

"Right zhen… our Soldier is Kyle. Our Heavy is Boleslav. Zhe Demo is Angus. Zhe Engineer is Bill. Our Sniper is Benjamin."
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(I can't be the only person who thought of this)

How the hell are we supposed to remember all of these names? I'd rather deal with a shitty info dump of a Mary Sue's appearance than get nine names shoved into my face with the expectation that I'm going to remember who the fuck is who. What's really baffling is that all three of the characters I bolded have canon names already, so inventing them a new name is completely unnecessary. THANKS SUETHOR.

Nicole eventually learns of BLU, the opposing team, and Kyle (Soldier) accuses her of being from BLU. She defends herself, noting she doesn't even know how to fight, and Klaus (Medic) makes mention that they could teach her how.

That's right, mercenaries are going to teach a 17 year-old girl how to kill people! That's the option that makes the most sense. Keeping her safe in the base until they figure something out or getting in contact with the Administrator (the person who pretty much runs the whole operation) for a solution are far too rational decisions!

It's also a good time to mention that Team Fortress 2 takes place in the late 60s (calendars shown in the game reveal it to be June of 1968). I know this is obviously an alternate universe, but considering the times, they would most definitely not be teaching her how to use weapons. They'd be more likely to ask her to tend to 'domestic' things, especially considering her age.

One last thing...Nicole is so damn bland. I'd almost rather see a stereotypical personality than none at all. Just look how boring and generic her lines are:

Quote :
Nicole gave a curt nod. "It's, uh... a pleasure to meet you all." She smiled weakly.
Quote :
"What? Why would you say that?" Nicole gasped, "I don't even know where the heck I am, I just met you guys, and I don't know what's good or bad…Heck, I don't even know how to fight!"
Quote :
Nicole smiled. "Um… yes… thanks."
I might've been a little more forgiving if we got any sort of insight into what she's thinking, but we don't. Most of this chapter is just constant dialogue with minimal description, and frankly a pain in the ass to read. Not only that, but she's instantly complacent and accepting of being kidnapped and waking up to a bunch of grown men just staring at her after the initial 'oh no!'. I know it's stupid to whine about realism with a universe like TF2's, but come on! A normal teenage girl should not be okay with this situation at all!

That's thankfully it for now. You have Nicole training with Soldier to look forward to next chapter.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:31 pm

I thought DemoMan's name was Tavish DeGroot? It's Angus?
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Dr. Quinzel
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:48 pm

TheIan wrote:
I thought DemoMan's name was Tavish DeGroot? It's Angus?
No, it is Tavish DeGroot. He's one of the three I pointed out as having a canon name, yet the author chose to give him a new name (which reminds me of burgers).
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PostSubject: Re: Princess of the Fortress   Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:54 pm

Keep her safe? Why would they do that? It would be the sensible thing to do, weren't they a bunch of psychotic mercenaries with bizarre notions of conduct. It's more likely they use her as bait or something worse.
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